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toilet

Drunk Stuff, Stuff on a toilet

Kimmy K: Everyone says that I can do better than you and your shoes, but I’d really like to see where this relationship is going. Love, MODG

March 18, 2010

Many of you are concerned for me and my relationship with Kim Kardashian. You’re all, dude she’s screwing you over and you can do better! I know I know. Ok here’s the deal. Apparently Kim’s shoes are on like 40 other websites like trannygirlshoes4life.com and ilovecheapshit.com (don’t go to those websites I made them up) but you see what I’m saying.

For the newbies, I joined Kim’s shoe club Shoe Dazzle and we have a serious relationship that is really going places. I review her shoes here. Check the site for details on how it works.

But here’s the thing guys, me and Kim have something really special and I’m not willing to just throw that away because she’s made a few mistakes here and there. I love her tranny cake face style, I love her fake personal shoe selections that are really created by some computer machine and I love that I now have 5 pairs of kimmy shoes and I have yet to wear one in real life. PUHLEASE do not tell B. I know you are all friends now but that needs to be kept between us.

Now with that being said, I told Kimmy Gibler that this month I need “more work, less tranny” and I have to be honest, Kim did good.

Kimmy K sent me a lovely pair of mid heel ballerina pink patent peep toes. And B was not happy about package #32 to be delivered to me this week. Sads for B. Happies for me.
Here’s what you’ve been waiting for:

Ahhhh it’s so nice to get back to toilet basics. We were going wild there for a while with a bunch of real random shit on toilets. It feels good to be back to normal, sans full length mirror. (ps I really do want a full length mirror and I’m taking applications for benefactors to purchase this one. thanks)
So you can see I paired them with some cuffed green cargos to balance their girly twirlyness. I actually really like them. I think I’m getting old because I seriously can not walk in the 4.5 inch platforms anymore and I think they kind of look slutastic. These however, are cute and I can wear them to work or doing whatever the hell I want.  Oh here’s a new super dangerous pose I developed for you guys too…
**DANGER**


By the f-ing screwmeover way, I love that Shoe Dazzle develops THIS program after I post 50 times about my shoes and make you all join:

If you haven’t joined and would like to, do me a favor and email me at modgblog at gmail dot com and I’ll send you the invitation so I get something out of it, since Kim is ignoring me right now, clearly trying to screw me over, and it’s really hurting my feelings. Oh and you also get 20% off it looks like. Great for you.

Thoughts on the peep toes?
Thoughts on my relationship with Kim?
Thoughts on my new toilet pose?
Anyone want to be my benefactor?

Pastel Sparkles,
MODG

Many of you are concerned for me and my relationship with Kim Kardashian. You’re all, dude she’s screwing you…

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Drunk Stuff, Stuff on a toilet

Day 4 of AMERICA’S FAVORITE STUFF ON TOILETS. (one more day left)

March 11, 2010

*UPDATE* I just wrote the whole post and I’m rejuvenated by your toilets. So disregard my negativity in the intro of this post. Loves and Cares, MODG*

So you’ve heard me say I’m kinda toilet-ed out. I mean there are only so many toilets you can take in a day. For most people it’s like 3-4 times a day. For me it’s like 38 minimum. I’m considering starting a paypal donation to raise money for a full length mirror. If that’s not a noble charity, I don’t know what is.

However, we have 2 days left of the toilet contest. I saved some good ones as we approach the end.

Reminder of what this weirdness is: An ungodly amount of readers sent in their toilets to be judged by America. We do 5 at a time and vote for our fave toilet. We’ll then have the finals and then America’s/Asia’s favorite toilet.

Here.We.GO.

Smooth Moves Toilet
By, Shandal’s Life in 3D

This toilet is a straight up education. I am one of the chosen people who poops normal and regularly. Stars for me! B however is another story. He’s in poop club where they talk about this kind of jazz. I’m enjoying how literal the toilet owner got with her collection of items. I mean this IS a toilet picture after all. Why not put shit on it related to the shit that goes IN it. But I am really staring at that black bag of mystery trying to figure out if it really says “choked on”??  I’m unsure. Bonus points for anything with the word “creamy” on your toilet. Good work poop princess of power.
REDRUM Toilet
I call this toilet Redrum because it means murder with an emphasis on red, which is what this toilet is. I would also maybe commit murder if I had a red room in my house. But that’s not the point. The point is that this bitch is so stressed out. Everything on this toilet is just kind of thrown there, like get it out of my face NOW… except except except the birth control. That is displayed proudly and nicely because that shit is like gold to this toilet owner. Also I like that she has 3 phones ready to go in case any sort of murder does happen. Even the kid is all, my mom is a nut ready for mortal combat. I need my 911 device as backup. PS. That is so much toilet paper to have at one time. 
3 Year Old Runs This Shit Toilet
This toilet was submitted by a 3 year old. She was like, I just want to show you my regular toilet without a bunch of shit on it. I mean my mom is always taking this shit off, so I’m trying to prove a point here. I TOLD her that I need ultra padding, a giant chest of treasures in case I get bored and a rocket right in the middle of the hole, just to hold on to. So I was like, wow, that’s pretty neat. What’s up with the shower curtain? 3 year old was all, my mom moved me to Florida and I’m more of a snow kind of person. Isn’t she a bitch? Man…tough hand to be dealt kid. Sorry mom.

Dirtiest Toilet Yet But Also Totally Fascinating Toilet
This toilet owner sent me a spiel about this stuff but I didn’t read it. So, um, WHAT the F is that?! I think (as a non dog owner) that is a dog bone. But could it be like a chicken leg or something that they ate in medieval times? Like I went to that place Medieval Times where they ride around on horses and give you food and that was definitely on my plate. SICKness. And it’s like right next to her lipstick. Maybe she ate some and had to reapply. I get that. But let’s all zero in on the LILLY PULITZER themed makeup bag with the word Zilla on it. That rocks my world into pieces. I always say, drop off the God and you got zilla. Ok I never said that, but definitely starting. Also the trash is floating, tons of booz (smiles) and there is dirt everywhere. I don’t even know….I’m rarely speechless. 
Don’t Do It Robot! Toilet
By, Veronica Daylight
I’m surprised to say this is the 2nd suicide toilet we’ve had in the competition. Pleasantly surprised. I wonder what happened to this robot that makes him think that it all has to end here? He’s such a little robot with such a great robot life ahead of him. Maybe he’s sad because he has like zero buttons. Robots should have a lot of buttons. Maybe he’s sad because we’re just not ready for robots yet. Like the Jetsons were all, yeah you’ll have a maid robot in like 30 seconds. Everyone will! Or MAYBE he doesn’t want to be a maid anymore. Maybe he is an indentured servant of the future. A future where all pictures are created in MS Paint. i.e. an AWESOME future. Digressing… Goodbye robot friend. You always have a place at MODG. 
OCD Toilet…I think…
I feel like this toilet owner is maybe obsessive compulsive. Like I think she picked up and put down the soda can 9 times and then picked up and put down the nail polish nine times. And then she turned the door knob 9 times before closing it and took 9 pictures of this display of scary. And then, when it was all over, she scrubbed this shit DOWN. That poor plant is reaching out to us and needs help. It reminds me of the author guy from that movie Misery. Can’t you tell? It’s like save me from the crazy! She scrubs my talons every 9 hours. Ok this one went to far…
Well you have a very diverse offering on this toilet day. I’ve been keeping track of the winners every post and counting all your weird comments one by one. It takes me like an hour. Awesome for me.
Make sure you vote! Promote your toilet if this is your toilet day. Good luck crazies. 
PS. No pets today! That is if you don’t count robots as a pet. I do…
flushy sparkles,
MODG

*UPDATE* I just wrote the whole post and I’m rejuvenated by your toilets. So disregard my negativity in the…

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Awesome things, Drunk Stuff, Stuff on a toilet, Style

I’M REVIEWING THE EASYTONES. EVERYONE CAN JUST CALM DOWN NOW. OK?

March 10, 2010

So yesterday two of you emailed me asking about my Reebok Easy Tones. This is big news as no one really emails me about anything:

DID YOU ever do a review on the Reeboks? DO THEY work? DO you like them?
My friend wants them and asked me if I heard anything about them.
THANKS!
Ashley

Any ideas why Ashley is yelling random words in this email? Please advise.
And then this:

Do you think your easytones work? given, i’ve only worn them a handful of times, but i don’t think they’re doing shit except making my toes cramp up and fall asleep.
Hotpants

So it was time for a review. The public demands it.

Last time we discussed these, most of you were like, MODG you have terrible taste. These are for old ladies and are gold. I KNOW THEY ARE GOLD. Pickings were slim and I’m already not cool with wearing sneakers around the town, so what do I care what color they are? Shit is shit and it can’t get any browner….or golder.

Now you THINK I’m going to show you a picture of my legs and ass all toned up, post easytones. You’re wrong. These pictures are still pre. This is not because I’m not toned post easytone, but because I’m not putting closeups of my ass on the internet and you’ve seen plenty of my legs. Oh and if I see one more toilet in the next 4 months I’m going to drown myself in it’s bowl. Which is a problem since I see a toilet like 3.5 times a day. But just for good measure here you go. HAPPY? These are the old pictures. I’m too periody and pissy to take new ones.
I’m not the best reviewer because contrary to my bitching and moaning about having to constantly wear these around the town, I’ve done that like 4 times total. But I do in fact wear them to the gym, to run, on a treadmill. The first few times felt a little unstable. Like I just threw back a few shots. But I got used to it and actually had a bit of the sores in my legs. So I really do think they make a difference. But I think you have to be dedicated. Then again, if you’re dedicated to running, you probably don’t need magic shoes to begin with. You just run a lot. And that’s enough. so….yeah.
Would I buy them again? Yes I would. But mostly because I like to get every little tiny advantage that I can out of my work out. Especially if it means little to no extra effort on my part. How big is this advantage? Who knows or cares. It’s something. 
Now if I had a job that let me wear sneakers (hooters) and I could wear these everyday, I’m pretty sure these would be the ass tightners to the max. Like if you do a lot of walking around the town (I don’t know why I keep saying town) and you aren’t wishing you were in your cute flat riding boots or your too cool for school chucks, then these are your bitches. Buy them. 
But if you’re like me and you like fashion and awesome. Maybe don’t. 
But like I said, I like any advantage I can get. So maybe buy them. This is a terrible review. 
HOWever I think like 30 of you told me you went out an bought them so Reebok should totally pay me.
So Reebok, if you’re reading: I LOVE THESE SHOES THEY ARE LIFE CHANGERS AND ARE THE HOTNESS FOR 2010.
please pay me.
Love
MODG.

(ps I’m still eh about them)

So yesterday two of you emailed me asking about my Reebok Easy Tones. This is big news as no…

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Drunk Stuff, Stuff on a toilet

Day 3 of AMERICA’S FAVORITE STUFF ON TOILETS.

March 8, 2010
Here we are on a very toilety Monday. It’s day 3 of the competition, 2 days left, and this is a very good toilet day. Some of you were all, what the shit is this whole thing? Are people sending these in every day? I want in with my rockstar toilet. 
No. The deadline has passed. I just have like a gabillion toilets to get through and if I keep accepting them to post, I’m going to change the blog to martinis or your gd toilet… Which you weirdos would probably love. 
So here’s how it works for the new kids. Look at the toilets below and vote for your fave in the comments section. We’ll then move to the toilet finals and find America’s (and I think Australia’s) favorite toilet. Go ahead, be joyful. It’s all completely awesome. 
Suicide Poison Toilet
This toilet owner was all, F that. I’m sick of everyone giving MODG shit for putting food on her toilet and saying that it’s “germy” or “dirty”. I’m going to show these whiners what food danger really is. I’m going to go ahead and put my food and drink next to straight up POISON. And you know what? You can all bite me, because me and my little man on the top deck are all, NBD….snickers, gin and tonic, poison, whateves. Bold, toilet owner, bold.  I like it. 
“Welcome” to Texas
So this toilet is all, Hey ya’ll come to Texas…. But here’s the thing. Texas doesn’t want you. Texas doesn’t love you. Do you know who Texas loves? TEXAS. How do I know? That frame is empty. EMPTY because it’s a Texas frame and the only think that can go in a Texas frame is another picture of texas. So it’s empty. I know you were like, well maybe my picture can go in there? Wrong. Why do you think it’s the “lonestar” state? Do I have to tell you who the lone star is? I’ll give you a clue: it’s not you OR Britney. HOWEVER: that cowboy boot rocks my face off. 
There was a bunch of shit up here but I ate it Toilet
Toilet Owner definitely went all out and put her favorite shit all over this toilet. There were sardines, tuna, mice, strings, tiny birds and she was all, this toilet ROCKS. I can’t wait to send it to MODG. She’s gonna die. I love fish and birds and stuff. So toilet owner goes to get her camera and comes back to this shit. The cat ate it all? Wah wah…..(sad sounds). And that cat is like, what? I can’t help it that we both have the same favorite things. Take it sister, I’m going to lick my lips in your face. And I’m going to judge you for entering this weird toilet competition. Too bad, so sad. …Ballsy cat.
You can find me da club Toilet

This toilet is so acid trip nightmare to me. It’s so hammered from a night of booz and whatever this asshole was snorting off of the sink with his “boys”. You can infer what you will from the butt paste….(JS) I just feel like this toilet really needs to get his shit together. He’s all, duuuude it’s totally cool, relax I’m just having a good time. And I’m like, I don’t listen to any toilet with an enlarged handle and splash guard. That shit is crazy. Once you grow up, ease off the sauce and just BE a proud gay man, we can maybe work on our relationship. Until then, you are dead to me.
Mortified Mut Toilet
OMG this dog is so embarrassed. He does not want his dog friends to see him on the internet. I’m guess it’s because he wasn’t given a real martini but a cotton ball martini. Which no one is interested in outside of maybe Care Bears. He like won’t even look us in the eye. Poor puppy. It’s ok dog, write me an email or just g-chat me and I’ll send you some real booz. In the meantime, keep working on your garland chain to throw out the window and climb out of that house. I’ll meet you at Olive Garden. xoxo.

That’s your 5 for the day. This is a tough week. They are all the hotness.
Vote in the comments and voting ends at 8am eastern on Tuesday.

hearts to you.

Here we are on a very toilety Monday. It’s day 3 of the competition, 2 days left, and this…

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Drunk Stuff, Stuff on a toilet

DAY 2 of AMERICA’S FAVORITE STUFF ON TOILETS.

March 3, 2010

hi.hi.hi I’m here. I was at the MUSE concert last night so blogging took a backseat and I asked Billy Blanks to take the wheel. Kind of like how Carrie Underwood asks Jesus. So here we are with DAY 2 OF TOILET PICTURES AND CONTESTS FOR STARS AND RAINBOWS.

I realized that I should clarify what’s going on here for the new modg-ettes. So… everyone that reads this blog is a creep. They love to look at stuff on toilets. (i know…) So I devised a contest for readers to send in picture of their toilets with their shit all over it. Not literal shit. We’re not that creepy. Each day we’re voting for our favorite toilet and then we’ll have the toilet finals and THEN America’s favorite toilet. Dying?

In unrelated toilet news, I have a big MODG announcement tomorrow. MAKE SURE YOU READ TOMORROW’S POST IF YOU EVER WANT TO READ MODG AGAIN. Hoping that you do. Great. On with the toilets.

Drunk and Fat Skinny Asian Toilet
By, Raising Colorado

I know you are all fat prejudice, so I’m going to tell you that I know this toilet owner, and she is not fat. Let’s get that out there. K? Cool. But let’s not pretend, this is an EATERS toilet if I’ve ever saw one (and I have). Any good eater knows the basis of all eating is bacon. Duh everywhere. Throw in some Miller Lite for health reasons (the vegetable of beers), ice cream and slim fast for when you hate yourself late at night and you are a serious winner. Oh. and this ALL has an Asian Flare for BEING ASIAN 2010! (my goal). Also there is a small man guarding it all for security.  I know I would too if bacon was on my toilet. 
An Obvious Threat Indirectly to Me Toilet
This toilet person does not play. She’s all, Suri thinks she is running this baby show? I got news for her. She’s in for a world of pain when she sees this fashion fetus I’m brewing in my belly (THIS IS THE TOILET OWNER SPEAKING, NOT ME YOU BABY BUMP STALKERS). Just so you all know, I ran this by Suri. Suri was all, bitch please. Katie tried to give me a giraffe once, in Africa, in the jungle, because it was a REAL LIVE GIRAFFE.  Oh Suri….However, I will say that as an adult baby, I would really like that sweater. It’s a good color for me. 
(Possibly racist?) Snob Dog on a Toilet
By, Gini
This toilet says so much while saying so little. You know this dog is one snobby ass white bitch. It’s all, color? Color is for children who live in a trailer park and play with crayola and the like. WHITE WHITE WHITE. I holiday in the hamptons, where I attended Diddy’s white party and sipped chardonnay with Diane Keaton.  It was a dry heat that year. White is where it.is.at. WHITE POWER. (just kidding…maybe)
*UPDATE you bitches, her tiles are brown. Like the color brown, not dirty. She is not spreading shit around on her floor. She is a nice person who cleans. Moving on.
LOOK AT ME CAT I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS SHIT
So those dinosaurs are all, look at me! I’m famous! I’m on the internet! I have candy and a strange fame! HOORAY FOR DINOSAURS. But much to their surprise a monster cat hovers above them ready to take their shit OUT. The cat is all, this is not your show, I live here and I have sparkle hats and ears and if you think you are ruining my one chance for internet fame, you have another think coming in your broke ass extinct brains.  *The green tape worm concerns me* Bets are on the cat.
A baby with a toilet fetish
By, 2 guys a girl and a yellow dog
I don’t know a lot about babies, but I don’t think this one is ready to balance itself 3 feet up on a toilet. But I really do enjoy the 3 fingers there, on the edge, ready to go. Maybe the baby is a girl scout? That’s their thing right? But I will say this baby LOVES THE TOILET. Much like her idol, MODG. So point for stuff in common. But this baby is throwing it in our faces that she is spoiled. Paris Hilton did this once on 20/20 and the public was not pleased. Maybe she should have checked with her PR people first? Regardless, I like this spoiled diamond baby. I think we’ll be friends. 
*****
Ok America. You have 5 awesome toilets to choose from this week. Voting will end 12pm tomorrow eastern. Remember, the winner after the finals gets a toilet badge! I mean, come on….that’s best ever. 
Vote in the comments for your toilet heart. And remember to come back for the monster MODG announcement tomorrow. 
sparkle pisser,
MODG

hi.hi.hi I’m here. I was at the MUSE concert last night so blogging took a backseat and I asked…

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Drunk Stuff, Stuff on a toilet

Day 1 of AMERICA’S FAVORITE STUFF ON TOILETS.

March 1, 2010

Warning, I have the Sunday smushies. Like the real puffy hungover face and my eyes are half closed and I have a napkin next to me with random crumbs all over it from something I ate, which I do not remember. And of course I put this toilet thing off until the last minute because I am lazy and also I wanted to give everyone a chance to send one in. But the good news is that I’m posting them in chunks. (toilet chunks. sick) They are all too good so I can’t cut any out. And the better news is that I’m turning this into a contest.

Every Monday (when I’m too tired to think of my own blog content) or whenever I feel like it. I’m going to post the next chunk of toilet pics. Your job in the comments is to VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE. The preliminaries will last until I’m out of toilet pics and then we’ll move on to the finals.

The winner of the toilet pic awesome contest will win a toilet award made by me in paint and a fixture in my sidebar for a spell with a link to your weirdness (blog). Ok let’s start with our first toilet chunk.
A lot of you sent me commentary but I’m putting my own. It’s just what’s happening here.

LET’S START THE SHOW

**********
The Jealous and Possibly Neglected Cat Toilet 
By, Celebrittany 
Besides having major sads for the kitty who is clearly feeling left out. I’m SUPER worried for that wine, which that dog with a Jedi stare is about to kick over. I think the dog has the rude mads because that strange cupcake is fake and he thinks that you celebrittany have far too many lip glosses (I think you don’t have enough but this is about the dog, not me). The tiara I am undecided on. I am hoping you were on Toddlers and Tiaras. 
This bear deserves Lasik Toilet
By, Oughta Say Blog
At first I was all, I hate teddy bears. They are rude. Ever since Mr. Bear stole the show on Full House from Stephanie Tanner I was done with bears. But this bear. THIS bear may be winning me over. 1) He loves a good Vampire book (well it looks like he’s only on page 1 though) 2) He appears to be Asian and 3) He doesn’t give a shit what you think. That’s my kind of bear. 
Gym Tan Laundry (Jersey Shore) Toilet
By, At Least I’m Skinny

I’ll be honest, I don’t watch The Jersey Shore. Not because I’m all on my Italian high horse, but because I can’t watch shows about trashy people. It gives me the BIG SADS. Like Married With Children was the worst and I would think I would end up poor and in leopard if I kept watching it. Anyway, I’m digressing. BUT I do know Bump Its (I have them also) and I do know being tan is life. Otherwise you turn green (If you’re Italian and it’s not pretty) and I hope you can read it but there is a home made card that says “fist pump for Valentine’s day”. THAT is a good card. Bonus points for a full trash can. 

Vintage Beyond Creepy Gives me Nightmares Since I Saw It Toilet
By, Stacy’s Mamma
Picture taken 1981. Yes that’s right. BEFORE my toilet bit. So this chick is not only brilliant but also psychic. SO psychic that this doll’s name is…ready? MANDY. LIKE AMANDA EXCEPT VERY CHEESY. I know!!! So psychic. But this dirty doll on a toilet gives me the major creeps and I’m super sure it’s going to come through my computer screen and bite my face. But points for extra dirt and making the doll as nude as possible. 
This Person Should Just Be my Best Friend Now Toilet
By, I’m Staying Young Forever
What I’m loving about toilet pics is that it really brings people together. I’m pretty sure Erin is a non commenter (that’s ok with me) but I like knowing the people who read this crapass that I write. Well Erin, I don’t know if I’ve even seen the beauty that is an image containing the faces of Brit Brit WITH Rachel Zoe WITH Sephora purcases With booz and shoes. I mean, Julie Andrews knew here shit when she told me These Are a Few of Her Favorite Things.  I’m not so sure about the purple battle star on your wall. But I’ll give it points for weirdness.  Call me. xoxo
**********
So there you have it. Your first 5 toilet contestants America (that was me being Seacrest, but taller). Remember, vote for your favorite. Tell your friends to vote for you, tell your boyfriend to vote for you and tell your sparkle stars to vote for you. And don’t be lazy, tell me why you picked the one you did.
I will post every toilet picture that has been sent to me up until today and we will vote until we have AMERICA’S FAVORITE STUFF ON A TOILET.
Go off and be creeps.
Sparkle Pots,
MODG
**Please note that Sunday was the last day to get your photo in. All you cheaters want to outdo everyone now. Not on my watch. 
Voting for this toilet chunk will end 8am eastern time Tuesday morning.

Warning, I have the Sunday smushies. Like the real puffy hungover face and my eyes are half closed and…

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