Toddlers

B and others who know me in real life say that I overshare.

Duh B and others.

Hi, I write MODGblog.

But I posted this on facebook Sunday:

“Today I cried a little as my best boy got on an airplane and left mommy for a week. Then I pooped by myself for the first time in 5 months and got over it.”

I’m not sure what’s overshare-y about that. Poop is poop and it comes out of everyone’s butts. But it’s time to talk about what that post was really about.

I AM TODDLER-LESS FOR THE WEEK. Let that sink in a little.

toddler

For those of you who have a toddler and a baby…especially an active toddler with an affinity for construction equipment and destruction, you know what I’m saying.

I am here with Ruby and no G. This is the first time I’ve been away from him since our babymoon to Miami and the 2nd time total ever. I didn’t really know what that meant until he left. It means a lot of things. It means that I miss him dearly. Let’s get that out of the way. But it also means these things. These things that I now can do and some that I can’t do now that the 2 year old has peaced.

  • I can walk into the kitchen, open up all the cabinets, open the drawer full of knives and walk away. I can even yell at the top of my lungs THE DRAWER OF KNIVES IS OPEN AND NO ONE IS WATCHING! SHARP THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE!
  • I can freely eat cookies at 11am, 1pm, 4pm, and 8pm without sharing. Also without hiding. Also in my bed. Also on the toilet.
  • I can shower. Like during waking hours. And then if I feel like it, I can put eyeshadow on without someone seriously trying to convince me that it’s actually not eyeshadow, but paint for coloring books and maybe the wall.
  • I can pull into my driveway and open my garage for easy house access and walk directly into my house immediately upon arrival. The opposing scenario is this: TOYS MOMMYMOMMYMOMMY PLAY TOYS. TOYS TOYS. NO INSIDE. TOYS. NO LUNCH. NO FEED RUBY. TOYS.  (the damn toys are in the garage in case you didn’t put that together)
  • I can go to the mall as I please during waking hours and not Jim’s Bouncy Run Around Be Crazy Play Land to get out energy, ensuring long toddler naps. In fact, I can just stare at the wall and not move at all.
  • OR I CAN JUST SLEEP.
  • I can walk up and down the stairs, holding things in my hands. I do not in fact need any free baby gate opening or closing hands. BECAUSE I DON’T NEED BABY GATES. Swing wide, sweet baby gates. Swing wide and free.
  • I can choose an outfit based on pure style and awesomeness and not based on how easily ketchup and yogurt stains will be removed from the fabric.
  • I can take 56 minutes deciding on that outfit if I so choose to.
  • I can watch TV during waking hours. That TV program can include vampires, nudity, and the words shit and asshole. And I have no idea what project Bob the Builder is building.
  • Similarly I do not have to watch on tv any cats in hats or any mentally disturbed men in yellow who regularly talk to monkeys.
  • I can bring a purse with me that isn’t the size of New Mexico and waterproof. I don’t have anyone digging through it for snacks. I can put it on the floor if I want. I can put makeup in it. I do not have 5 trucks and a train in it.
  • There are currently no sticks or rocks in my car.
  • And yes, I can poop in private.

PRIVATE. I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT IN PRIVATE.

I want to be clear about something, I haven’t been able to do any of these things in 2 years. G is a wonderful nut of a child and was a very colicky baby. I couldn’t put him down for a second. I was overwhelmed as a new mom and freaked out. Ruby is chill and goes with the flow. And for that reason, I’m relaxed. I literally feel like I’m on vacation.

I remember blogging about how hard motherhood was when I had G. I remember a specific comment that said “dude, what are you complaining about? You have 1 child.” But now that I have Ruby? I’d like to say F you to that commenter. ALL BABIES ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL. Yes 1 baby in general is pretty easy. But 1 G equals 7 regular babies. I really didn’t fully know how stressed I was until this very moment.

Moms, if you have a toddler and a baby, I fully recommend a toddler vacation. Get the kid to the grandparents for a week. It will change you.

Moms, stand on your couch and hold your cookie high. Shout to the world FREEDOM. I AM FREE.

mom cookie

If you need me, I’ll be watching Vampire Diaries on really loud while sharpening my knives.

xoxo

MODG

 

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In honor of mom freedom, this post is brought to you by Laura Prell Massage Therapy. This one is for my local moms. If you’re toddler isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, get your ass to get a massage. It’s sort of weird getting a massage at a place you don’t know about for the first time. You don’t know where those hands have been and you are not so sure about being naked around them. I’m here to give you a solid thumbs up for Laura. She’s local to downtown Phoenixville, PA and is super affordable. Highly recommend.

Now go get a massage. Bring the cookie.

 

 

POSTED IN: Awesome things,Dramababy,Mom Stuff,Toddlers

Guys, I survived. Well, I survived week 1 of single parenting. I have another week coming up followed by another 2 weeks alone. Dudes, I don’t care if you’re like the toughest baddest ass on the block. You WILL FEAR the week alone. Oh yes, you’ll fear it.

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Because now? I fear nothing more in my life. Well, I’m pretty scared of also facing a day where there is nothing “planned” for G. Because when I don’t have either paintbrushes and rocks and shit laid out for some sort of “project”, it’s all over. Or maybe jesus took the wheel that day and delivered some sort of large box from Amazon that can be turned into a rocket ship or a house for an hour. Then, we’re good. But no plan? Holy shit, just go and hide your valuables and sanity because they are both about to go out the window.

And that was my challenge with the double kid solo week. What the hell are we going to do? I mean I’ve done every BS activity on Pinterest including the damn baking soda dropper food coloring nonsense. I did the sensory bins of stupid. I did the jars of crap that you hold and then break and then ruin the carpet. So I scheduled us. I scheduled the shit out of us.

I sent a desperate email to pretty much everyone I knew. It went like this.

Hi friend,

How are you doing? How is that thing you are working on? How is that person we talked about? Great! Now I really need you to help me give kids baths and take G to your house for an hour. Please help me with that if you care about me or my children at all. Thank you. Peacebewithyou. 

Desperate in Phoenixville,

Amanda

And because I have awesome friends, I had someone here every single night helping me with baths and bedtime. Because bathing an infant with a toddler running around with a bucket on his head and a sword in his hand, is difficult. One night I even had one of my “cool” friends here to help. The “cool” friends are the ones without kids yet. However she confirmed for me after her night with us that it will be quite some time before she becomes uncool like me. Thanks kids.

You see, G is special. Real freaking special. And by special I mean, he’s 2 and a half and drama out the ass. I am walking on egg shells with this kid.

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Me: G, I made your favorite lunch!

G: I no hungy.

Me: Ok, you can let me know when you want to eat.

G: I HUNGY!

MeL Ok great, let’s eat now.

G: NO I NO HUNGY!!

Me: Ok, you see how this could be confusing for me Gavin.

G: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! fire candle birthday cuppycake fire.

Me: Oh, I see. Right. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that first.

And then there is Ruby. Poor little Ruby is getting her 2nd tooth in a month. And she’s only 4 months old. She wants to be happy so bad but she is just mis. It’s a little like this.

Hi Ruby Lee!

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You are so happy!

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Oh, don’t be sad. Let’s sing a song.

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Yay!

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Oh sorry, ok more song.

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(G screams: MOMMY PLAY TOYS)

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A;LDKSF;AKLDFJ;LKJ

And then there’s the bullshit of cleaning the cat shit box, doing laundry, doing diaper laundry, doing dishes, cooking meals, emptying trash, taking out trash, getting mail, sending mail… You know, regular people stuff who can do stuff who have 2 working arms available. People like B. People who are IN CALIFORNIA VISITING THEIR GIRLFRIEND.

So B is home. But like not really. I mean he still goes to work every day and I still am home with the kids. And yes, it’s hard and yes I complain. I would complain about a rainbow of sunshine free J.crew clothes. But dudes, it’s not a one man job. And for those of you in this situation permanently? Call the cops. Someone needs to be arrested for putting you in that situation. At least get a lawyer. Call me, I’ll be your lawyer.

Day by day people. Day by day.

xoxo

Queen of the dark circle.

POSTED IN: Mom Stuff,Not Pleased,Toddlers

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