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Awesome things, Mom Stuff, Not Pleased, Stuff I like, Style

The best skinny jeans for the non-skinny post baby body. i.e. me, after baby #2 and 40lbs of coconut product.

January 31, 2013
slider 5

This post is the most important post in the history of all time.

Because what it’s more important than jeans?

exactly.

pinterest

See, after baby#2, this little old body of mine is like screw you bitch. I’m tired. And fat. And I like it that way. Except I don’t like it that way. I’ve been on the Paleo diet for almost a month now and due to my insane crutch of eating bags of nuts and every coconut product that a coconut could ever produce (there are like 58), I’m gaining weight. GAINING WEIGHT. How do I know this? Because I had the awesome responsibility of getting measured for a bridesmaid dress. Which is worse than weighing yourself on a scale. It’s numbers that tell you how much earth you take up. And then a week later, the numbers were bigger. And I died. So we’re working on fixing that asap.

In the mean time, a girl has to wear jeans. And I’m super qualified to help all the post pregs find jeans since my body looks like a half empty roll of toothpaste. Before we get into the grit of it all, I’m going to explain my body to you so you can understand if this can help you.

me

 

Yes that’s me. I also have a Ihateeverything look on my face for good reason. I remember when Kendra Wilkinson said that she could feel her uterus pushing out her stomach, I thought, please bitch, that’s some excuse. But I swear I feel it. It’s giving me a big pouchy belly. I have a longer torso with short legs so in general I need jeans that have a higher rise so they don’t push my side fat all over the jeans. But my legs are petite and I’m overall a pretty small person, so when I go up a size, the waist fits, but the legs are too big. I know, disgusting. So this was my challenge.

I posted on facebook to everyone to recommend your best skinny jeans to me. I normally am not a skinny jean fan, but with my new disgusting body, it’s works. In a disgusting way. I received almost 300 comments. Super. I went through them all. My criteria was this:

1) affordable. I do not plan on being this size for long. HEAR THAT BODY? But I did try a few pricier ones just to compare

2) dark color to make me fade into the dark dark night of skinniness

3) super skinny with some stretch

4) a mid to high rise to tuck away all the bullshit

I made a pinterest page categorizing all of the recommendations. Then I got a very very special day where B stayed home with the kiddos and I went on a damn MISSION to the mall. There was sweat involved.

**NOTE** I do not have the time or ability to do a full denim photoshoot on my toilet. I tried and then a baby cried and a toddler pooped and it was all over. I got one picture.

I started with some of the cheaper and less likely options

loft

Ann Taylor Loft is the supplier of these seemingly cute jeans (Modern Skinny). Cute right? Dark, skinny, stretchy, mid rise. And what I like about general mall type stores is that the sizing always makes you feel way skinnier than you are to appeal to fat america. I bite. Loft had a 50% off sale so I ordered these.

DISGUSTING FAIL.

I should say that I saw these on a friend and they were cute. This is what they looked like on me

DSC_0196

I can’t even believe I just put that picture on the internet with my slow face and beast butch outfit. Regardless, you needed to see the FALACY that is Ann Taylor Loft. BAD. Now I should say that I have heard the legging jeans are better. This I may try. But these friends. No. Just no. Next.

Another American Standard. THE GAP. I’ve been impressed with their jeans lately. They usually do stretch out but without paying 200 dollars, you’re going to get that.

I tried these:

gap

This is the Gap legging jean. Note, it is not the super stretch. We’ll get to that. These I liked. The rise was perfecto. I did order 1 size bigger than I normally wear pre-preg, but it wasn’t THREE sizes bigger so that’s a win. I did not order the short or petite, which you would think I should since I’m 5’2”. But in both, the rise is shorter and hits the handles in a vomit spot. The regular was perfecto. I KEPT THESE AND I’M HAPPY WITH THEM.

I did also try these

gap2

These are the same jeans as above but with Super Stretch. Very cute, seemingly good fitting. But halfway through the day they literally fall down my ass and I’m pulling them up like a diaper wearing mental patient. Cute but annoying. For my body, it’s a no.

Levi’s Juniors 535 Super Skinny Denim Legging
Good old American Levi’s. Sold on Amazon. That’s always a bonus. I emailed the mom jean guru herself at Aint No Mom Jeans and asked her opinion and she suggested these.

levi

Ok these were sitting in my mailbox as I was writing this post. I threw on my hot pink slippers and pea coat and ran in the freezing wind to get them. I threw them on and immediately thought, too small. kill myself. But I kept going. And you know what? I like them. A lot. They are “jeanier” than a lot of the legging jeans I’ve tried. I wish the rise was a little higher but I think they will stretch a bit. I will say that they are junior’s sizing which is AWFUL. I ordered 3 sizes bigger and should have gotten 4 sizes. I know. But I’m going to keep them and rock them.

Next….

bdg

These are the BDG jeans that are carried at Urban Outfitters. I didn’t get to try them this time around but I do have a pair and I like them. They aren’t my “current” size right now but the rise is good and I’d try them again. Price is great too. I’d go a size up in these though.

jcrew

Oh JCrew. Once upon a time we were friends. No longer. The toothpick and matchstick jeans were recommended to me and were a giant frump fail. I looked like a mom on a mission. A mission to be disgusting. I tried on all the jeans in the store. Some jeans, when you size up just doesn’t work on the rest of you. J.Crew falls into this sad sad category.

rockstar

I’m SO sick of everyone being all “Old Navy ROCKSTAR jeans are the bestest best ever”. No. No they are not. They are SO low rise I wanted to vomit. I tried all colors, shapes, etc. These are so bad (for me) I wanted to cry/die. I also tried their other shapes, flirty curvy, swirly, twirly, who can keep up with the lame names. They were all a no for this post preg.

Other recommendations on the cheap that I didn’t get to try:

American Eagle  Hi Rise Super Skinny (I was afraid to go in, everyone was 15 in there)

Target  Denizen Mid Rise Skinny (they didn’t have them online and I can’t go into a store without a baby strapped to my body)

Victoria’s Secret siren mid rise skinny. Eh, I just didn’t.

Now let’s talk about some of the higher end options. In another child-less life, I had a high paying job and could buy nice clothes. So I believe there is nothing in the world like expensive jeans. They do things for your body that no other clothing item can (Spanx excluded). Not too long ago I received a 100 dollar gift card to Nordstroms from a reader. I KNOW?!?! So I got in the car, left my pride at home and tried some of these fat sluggers on.

hudson

 

Hudson mid rise “Nico”. Ugh expensive jeans. You are so good yet hurt me so bad. See, these people don’t need to cater to fat America so their sizing is more “true”. I like to call it more “lies” but it’s true. I had to go up THREE sizes to get them to even fit. And then they were bag sag in the legs. For me, it was a no go. For someone cuter than me, a good jean.

AG

These are the AG Jeans in super skinny stretch. They fit more like a legging. I went  up 1 size AND 2 sizes and both fit. That’s how you know you’ve got some pajama jeans on your hands (good thing). I really really liked these. They came up perfectly in the rise and hugged my legs and butt. I was realizing that I needed more of a legging jean in general and less of a skinny jean. The legging jeans were giving me the stretch I wanted to not squeeze the belly but also to be tight enough on my legs to make me look small under my giant potato sack sweaters.  I didn’t buy these because they were so expensive BUT I WANTED TO. OH I WANTED TO.

joe's

 

Joe’s Skinny Leg “Marty”. Nope. Not cute. Not skinny enough. Not stretchy enough. Too tight in the waist, too big in the legs. Same old BULLSHIT. Screw you Joe and your “jeans”.

Others I tried to find but they didn’t have in the store

J Brand Mid Rise (also recommended from Aint No Mom Jeans)

Paige Skyline. I think these would have been great. I’m a Paige fan in general

Articles of Society “Mya” jeans. These are sold in the junior’s department. I just couldn’t.

So my conclusion for those of you who may have a similar body type and are dealing with post partum fats. Get yourself the stretchiest legging jean you can find (i.e. leggings). Remember how leggings were good when you were preg? Same idea, except JEANS.

My top low end recommendation: Gap Legging Jean with the Levi’s 535s
as a close back up.

My top high end recommendation: AG super skinny Jean (Glendon)

But I do think that any jean with the word “legging” in it with a super high amount of stretch and a mid rise, will do the job. What do you think? Are there any that I missed that I HAVE to try?

Apologies from my toilet. She sends regards.

xoxo

MODG

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Awesome things, Stuff I like, Style

IT’S HERE: Stuff I Like (Holiday Edition II)

December 4, 2012

Hello and welcome to the 2nd holiday edition of “Stuff I Like”. I also call this, the time where I pretend to be Ellen/Oprah (Elrah) and you pretend to care. It’s a great time of the year.

In this series, I do a post on the stuff I want, stuff B wants and stuff the kids wants. It helps you buy gifts and spend your money carelessly. That’s what friends are for.

I’m starting with my list and I feel the need to share this disclaimer: I have been pregnant for 43 years, I haven’t put on non pajamas in 3 weeks, my dark circles match my hair color and I really couldn’t tell you anything happening in the world that E news isn’t reporting. With that being said, my list may reflect my current state of being. Gone are the days where I’m posting the cutest Marc Jacobs bag and now I’m posting a waterproof diaper bag and food processor. Apologies to cool people everywhere.

Here we go. Remember, click on the picture for the link to the product:
Hue Women’s Perfect Fit Leggings.

I know this picture is small. Click on it for the bigness. These leggings (I’m told) are the best for post pregs. They have a wide waistband and come up high enough to suck in your sag parts. And let’s be honest, I clearly haven’t worn enough leggings in the past 9 months, so I need MORE MORE MORE LEGGINGS. Right now I care about being comfortable and not a heinous beast. Ok, 1 out of 2 isn’t bad. Also: CHEAP. Get them, thank me.

Longchamp expandable travel bag (big ass diaper bag)

Oh lovely expandable waterproof diaper bag. How I long for you. My super cute leather bag isn’t cutting it anymore. It’s a super bag, but for the likes of 2 kids in cloth diapers who need shit like bananas and bibs, I need this. I keep posting it hoping that some benefactor out there will gift it to me because they want to. That stuff happens right? I mean in our lives, the cost of this is totally not realistic for a diaper bag. But I can dream. And the richies out there can get it and rub it in my face.

Bach Flower Remedies

You’ve heard me talk about Bach Rescue Remedy before. Bach has many many “remedies” as the fancy homeopathic people call them. They are essences that cure ailments. For example, I’m taking the Mustard remedy now  to “bring back joy and cheerfulness when gloom descends for no obvious reason” i.e. post partum depression. I love how specific the descriptions are on the remedies. They are also super beautiful little tiny magic bottles. I feel like a cobbler in 1765 with my remedies. If I really had my super gifting ways, I’d love the whole set and run a homeopathic business in my front yard. Lemonade stand style. And if you want to get funny about it, get this set for your favorite frienemy. Be all, “I really thought you could use this…”

You can look up ailments here

That is one tiny sexy pumper. Note to self: Take picture in your self pumping bra, naked, with hand on hip and seductive face. Use as facebook profile pic. So yeah, I look at stuff like this on my own wants list and sigh. My life is so far from “martinis”. But dudes, I really want this. Do you know what an ass pain it is to hold the pumps at your boobs while you pump? You can do all sorts of things with this. Pump and ride a horse! Pump and pave your driveway! Pump and Britney dance with a snake around your neck! The options are limitless. Also, pump and take awkward pictures.

One of you guys clued me into this on the MODG facebook page. This is the coolest. It’s a memory card for your camera that has built in wi-fi. So you can upload directly to your computer, or facebook, or twitter, or porn sites in a flash. Also I felt so smart when I told B about this and I knew about it before he did. Thank you MODG readers for making me smart. This is a very cool gift for anyone with a camera.

Let’s chalk this up to the “gifts I’ll never get, but will talk a lot about wanting” category. Oh MacBook Pro. You should be mine. See, I hate ipads. I know, kill me society. But I’m a “writer” (heavy on the quotes), so I like to type. And any “writer” knows that typing on anything touch screen is for baboons. I assume the proper posture that I learned in 1994 typing class and I play dork games like Type Racer. So I want want want a macbook. And don’t give me any of that netbook BS. I have one and I want to throw it at someone’s head. Mainly Taylor Swift.

 

 

Dudes, my Magic Bullet finally broke.  I think there are like 9 sex toys out there with the same name, but I’m talking food processor. I’ve had mine for TEN years. I’ve had NOTHING for ten years. This thing is closer to me than my cats. I finally broke the damn thing trying to process dates for some homemade Larabars. I’m an asshole. You can buy them at trader joe’s. Whatever. I want a new one like yesterday. If you don’t have one, buy one RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY DO IT. It will change your life forever. We use ours like twice a day.

As any good hippie, I have classic Toms. I love them more than bacon. Now I’m an advanced hippie and I need advanced Toms. I like these. I like the alien green color and the stitching. But I’m open to other wild Toms. They are the perfect throwing on running out the door shoe and look normal with everything. I say normal because looking “good” is something at this point in my life I’m not really striving for. Again, apologies cool people.

How cool is this? Again, for people who use their camera a lot, this is awesome. It’s such a good gift and so unique and awesome. This is a camera strap. I guess I should have said that. It’s not a horse bit. Or leather whipping tool. Camera strap. That’s all. Love it. Want it.

Finally, what modern mother would be complete without initial necklaces of her kid’s names? Obviously I need a G and an R. I’ll tell people it’s for Grave Robber. This Etsy seller does them cute and cheap.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/109385852/tiny-gold-letter-necklace-gold-initial?ref=cat_gallery_13

sorry there is the link…

And there you have it friends. My super list. Use it and go forth. Those who will like my items may fall into the following categories:

New mom

Fake Hippie

Old mom

Bored mom

Needs more hobbies mom

“writer”

My favorite part of these lists though is the comments. So please leave in the comments any awesome items that you are wanting this holiday. Then I can claim it as my own.

Next up is the toddler list. Hold on to your wallets people (B).

xoxo

MODG

_____________________

The ability to write this post and not (yet) declare bankruptcy was brought to you by the super cuteness at Gigi Hill. I really am wanting this and this right now. You know, for all of my fanciness that I’m doing these days. I didn’t know about this company until they started advertising with me but they have awesome bags and luggage that aren’t balls expensive. Which is definitely my biggest qualifier these days.

 

Hello and welcome to the 2nd holiday edition of “Stuff I Like”. I also call this, the time where…

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Awesome things, Mom Stuff, Nursery, Preg Stuff, Style

FINALLY the Big Boy Room Pictures and source list.

November 5, 2012

Thank you all for your positive stories and advice. I have to admit I’m an emotional mess. I called B this morning at work crying…

Me: I c c c aaan’t have an o o other c c c c sectio o o o n

It’s so hard to stay positive right now. But I’m doing the best I can. So to take our minds off of my vagina and onto bigger and better things, let’s do some big boy room shit. By the way STILL NO SUN. I had like 30 seconds of sun today and I RAN to the room with my camera and the sky was like GOT YOU. It just wanted to see a 39 week pregnant woman run.

So we’re going with what we have because I’m ovah it.

First let’s credit the uber talented, fabulous and foul mouthed MFAMB. If you don’t read her blog, you are foolish. Really. Here’s how it went down every day. She would give me ideas and I’d be like I NEED MORE SPECIFIC INFORMATION. I need you to tell me exactly where to put that frame and where to put the books that go in the box because my brain doesn’t work anymore. And she would. And not call me a nut job. She does this service for people in the world. She is fabulous.

We started with this inspiration, put together by MFAMB:

 

I loved it and wanted it exactly like this. That didn’t completely happen for reasons which I will explain. But the inspiration to start was great.

Here is the before picture of the room. Our old guest room:

And now the after

BIG BOY ROOM! You’ll see I committed the #1 design crime: ceiling fan. I apologize to the design world but it’s hot. We need a fan. Deal.

 Yep, it’s a lot of orange. That table is fluorescent orange and in the West Elm picture it is the color of sand. Tricky West Elm. Tricky.

I think my favorite element is tied between the awesome vintage dresser find on Craigslist for 60 bucks and the blow up of G picking his nose. Equally great.

All the chachkies we had or were toys that G didn’t play with anymore because they don’t scream songs and light up your face. Of course NOW he wants to play with them. Sorry kid. Sacrifice to the design gods.

Photograph by yours truly. My talents know no bounds.

You’ll see that there are GASP markers and paint in these tins. This is something we call “styling” a picture. Because the second these pictures are over, that shit comes out. I’m no fool, a 2 year old can’t be trusted. Toys and cars will go in them until he can act right.

B built these after only 3 fights and 1 crying session. Win.

That picture is the day B and I first met. And that equation below it is real math.

Chach.

Books chosen from our house on purpose.

The art is all done by a great friend of ours which I’ll tell you all about

Obv a deer head.

Kids are really the only ones that get tons of pictures of themselves in their own room. I asked B, I can’t do this is my room.

See what happened here?

And there you have it. A complete big boy room. This process started in April and finished TODAY. That is 8 months friends. And I say this because this wasn’t all bought at once and definitely not accomplished all at once with a 2 year old in the house. This was blood sweat and vomit. But I do really have to credit all of the work to B and all of the design to MFAMB. I did nothing. Thank god for that.

Now what you really want. The source list.

Bed: Amazon

Blue zig zag quilt: PB Teen

Stars sheets:  Company Store

Fluffy Pillow: West Elm

Orange quilt:Land of Nod

Table and chairs: West Elm

Tins and wire picture hanger: Ikea

Curtain fabric: Spoonflower

Toy bins: Container Store

Rug: Urban Outfitters

Nightstand: Ikea (expedit single cube)

Nightstand light:Ikea

Ceiling fan: Lowes

Hanging rockets: Land of Nod

Bob Dylan art: Concepcion Designs (a very good friend of ours and insanely talented)

Robot print: All Posters

Rocket Print: All Posters

Dresser: Craigslist bitches!

2 white lamps: Lamps Plus

blue guitar: Amazon

Orange clock: Urban Outfitters (sold out)

deer head: Urban Outfitters

If there is something you see that isn’t on this list it’s because we already owned it. This was work to put together my friends. To thank me, please go visit MFAMB and have her design a room for you. Or have her paint a picture for you. Or have her scour your local craigslist for you for awesome shit OR have her recap American Horror Story for you with MS Paint drawings. Because she does all of that. And she is in commercials. Really.

I hope you like the room as much as we do. No, G isn’t in it yet. We wanted to have it ready for him to get used to before switching him. It will be a few months. So if you want to rent it out for the night, it’s 700 a night.

I take paypal.

xoxo

MODG

______________________

Sponsor shout out to Vaccishield. Awesome product that I give to G before his vaccines to make reactions less severe. Packed with vitamins, totally natural and just a powder that looks like cocaine. It’s not. You sprinkle it in their food and magic health fairies arrive. Check them out. I highly recommend. She is giving 15% off with the code MODG at checkout. Woohoo!

Thank you all for your positive stories and advice. I have to admit I’m an emotional mess. I called…

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Awesome things, Preg Stuff, Stuff I like, Stuff on a toilet, Style

My last time on the toilet before the baby comes. No. My last time STANDING on it.

September 17, 2012

I have good friends. Real ones that don’t just live on the internet. Internet people are good too. Usually. But these people I’ve actually seen and touched. Well, not like really touched. I don’t like to touch or be touched. Ask B. He’s thrilled with that.

But my good friends are throwing me a Sprinkle. I like to call it Mah Sprankle. Do you know what a Sprankle is? It’s a little baby shower. Get it? Just a sprinkle. Yeah, I thought it was a sex thing too at first. Like that one pee episode of Sex and the City. It’s not.

I am usually very uncomfortable with parties in my honor. I have been known to find out about surprise parties and cancel them. I just feel strange with all these people there just for me. Like I should do a tap solo or something to express my gratitude. (which 6 years at Knecht Dance Acadamy could definitely allow). I know, from someone who thrives on internet attention, you’d think I’d be all over parties about me. These are the things that therapy is for.

But I am super happy and grateful to my friends for throwing Mah Sprankle. And of course, there is a fashion dilemma. Of course it’s all about renting dresses. But this time THIS TIME I have something new to present to you and you are going to shit yourself over it.

I don’t get any referral fee or points for this, which is balls because you pregs are going to be all over it. But first you help me pick a dress and then I’ll give up the info. See how that works? That’s because we’re FRIENDS.

Ok we’re choosing between 4 dresses today. Keep the following in mind:

  • Shoes and accessories are all subject to change
  • I will be a full 8 months preg at Mah Sprankle (I am 7 in these pictures)
  • Mah Sprankle is fairly casual. So regardless I’m prob going to be overdressed. Whatever. Here we go
  • Getting up onto this toilet, this preg, was no joke. It won’t be a happening again for a long LONG time.

 

 

 

Couple notes: I’m super afraid that I’m still going to blow up in the face and body like Bethenny did when she was preg like a month before her baby was born. It’s a REAL possibility. I met Bethenny, I was that skinny in 4th grade and never again.

I have my 2 faves but of course I asked most of my friends and got a different answer from everyone. So I need some internet consensus.

Tell me your fave and how you would accessorize it. Statement necklace? Big earrings? Leopard shoes? Fascinator and whip? Also tell me if I should really trust you. Like go ahead and tell me that you are a stylist for Rachel Bilson so I take your comment seriously. You can also tell me if you have daughters named Honey Boo Boo and Pumpkan and don’t know much ’bout no clothes.

NOW for the goods.

The website is called Mine For Nine All of these dresses are rented for like 20 bucks. AND AND AND I get them for a month! AND AND AND I can send back any that I don’t want within 3 days for a full refund. FULL REFUND. This is amazing. The dresses are all great quality. The red and the gray are Isabella Oliver which is like fancy shmancy preg wear that only famies would ever actually buy.

Yes I love renting clothes. RENTS FOR LIFE.

now make with the advice.

xoxo

your favorite preg.

ok…prob like your 3rd favorite preg.

MODG

I have good friends. Real ones that don’t just live on the internet. Internet people are good too. Usually.…

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Awesome things, how-to, Stuff I like, Style

Just wrap a quarter in your undies and press. And other important makeup tips.

September 10, 2012

Let’s all be honest. A year ago we were not baking bread from scratch. We were not making casserole’s that taste like pizza with 1 calorie. We were not stock piling pumpkin filling to make every fall festive cookie in existence. Our outfits were just ok. And we didn’t know how to make homemade kitchen cleaner that turns your kitchens into stainless steel robots. No. We were much more regular then. Like living life making chicken and not wearing sock buns. My friends, things have changed. This is the Pinterest generation.

And I’m about to tell you about my best Pinterest life event ever.

THE MAKEUP TABLE.

FROM THE GODS. (yes that’s mine)

Now to a regular person, you go to a store, and buy a makeup table and it’s done. But I am married to B. B buys generic tape. I stand on my toilet to see my outfits because we don’t have a mirror. So this was not only a huge deal, it was a huge campaign.

But I have to start by giving credit to this site, which I found, via Pinterest. And I will tell you that I put more time and effort into this than I did into creating this baby. But that is another story.

This was all done through Ikea and Michaels for a grand total of 87 dollars. That includes all the cases, shelving, mirror and stool. And it’s bomb. Yes, I said 1999 Bomb.

Oh do I wish I had a before picture for you. But surprise, I didn’t take a picture of the shit hole in my bathroom that used to store the stacks of dirty Nars containers and hairy brushes that I never clean. So imagine a pile of shit. Then put lipstick on it. Then throw it next to B’s body hair trimmer and generic mouthwash.

So when I saw this I knew I was doing it. Well, B was doing it and I said I would do what it took to get B to do it. Yes, you’re thinking correctly. I went and got the shit myself at Ikea and threatened to pregnant cry.

But friends. I didn’t stop at the table. I wanted it to be beautiful. I never know what the F I have in my containers. None of them are clear so every morning I guess at what colors go on my face. No more.

I scraped all of my eye shadows out of their containers and put them into these tiny plastic containers that came in these cute little boxes from Michael’s. They are meant to store beads. Like seed beads. Like that nonsense you were into for 10 minutes when you were 13.

Yes ALL of them. And you’re like WAIT so you don’t know what color is Beachy Ball Blue and what color is Bankrupt Bang-cock? No. And I also don’t know what is Chanel and what is Wet and Wild. And I like it that way. It’s like the great equalizer. My eye shadow represents society. Think about THAT.

But then I was like. Well, this is going to be a mess. B is going to give me shit every time he sees a little Princess Palace Pink on the floor. I need to do something BETTER.

So I googled it up and watched a few Asians on You Tube teach me how to make pressed eye shadows from the scraped up mess that I now had. And I’m going to tell you how. And before you say it, yes I had this much time on my hands. It was important. You’d make time to rescue a kitten from a burning tree wouldn’t you? Same.

Here is what you need for the project:

 

you’re so intrigued right? Dirty underwear and a quarter? I definitely found this sort of thing in the streets of Penn State on a Sunday morning. Stay with me for the magic. And yes, that’s my underwear before the project. I do in fact poop rainbow circles.

Ok so you need, rubbing alcohol, tweezers, a dropper bottle to fill with the alcohol NOTE: THROW IT OUT WHEN YOU ARE DONE IF YOU USE ONE THAT SAYS EYE STUFF OR BABY STUFF OR WHATEVER. You may not reuse it but the nanny, grandma, dumb husband may shoot that shit up the baby’s nose. Throw it out. You also need, a blunt object (end of a mixing spoon), cotton fabric and a quarter.

The sick part is the scraping out of your tins. Lay down a BIG towel, lock the door from your husband and dig that shit out with tweezers. Dump it in your containers. It takes forever. Watch a wedding show twice while you do it. Again, lock the door.

Once all the pigments are dumped, do this

 

Now, do that a billion times with all of your eye shadows. You don’t have a life. You watch wedding shows twice. You’re fine.

Then, after all of your hard hard work. You have THIS:

And they are so beautiful you could cry.

And now, NOW you are ready to load up your makeup table that your husband just finished drilling into the wall and waking up your toddler to do. BUT YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOURS.

 

And you have so many colors and choices and options that you can do this every day now

JUST like you wanted to.

It’s ALMOST like you live in a Nordstrom’s. All of the sources are listed and update on the site I originally credited. Check here for everything. I wish I could hug this woman for bringing such joy into my life.

I guess I should hug B too.

After I hug my eyeshadow.

 

xoxo

sparkle eyes.

Let’s all be honest. A year ago we were not baking bread from scratch. We were not making casserole’s…

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Awesome things, B, babies, Mom Stuff, pregnant stuff, Style

The most important thing you must do before the baby comes. And if you don’t the 11 things you’ll never be able to do again.

July 17, 2012

If you are pregnant: LISTEN UP. I’m about to tell you some important words.

I didn’t do it during my first pregnancy but this time I knew I KNEW that it was non negotiable. We scraped together every last dollar and agreed on no birthday or Christmas presents for like the next 12 years and went on

A BABYMOON.

Before you slaughter my face for using that term, deal with it. It’s the easiest way to say -vacationforwhichonefindsjoyandrelaxationinadestinationbeforetheshithitsthefan- i.e. babymoon. I don’t want to hear it.

Dudes, it’s a MUST do. I don’t care if you get in the car and drive to your local hourly motel next to the check cashing place. JUST GO.

It all started with me watching an obscene amount of Bethenny reality shows. And it seemed like every damn one of them she’s at a beach. B and I hadn’t had a beach vacation since our honeymoon and we hadn’t been away from G since never. I knew we were on the clock. I could only really fly up to a certain point and once YoSHE arrived, it was all over. My life that is.

So MUCH to my surprise, B agreed. See, B is the type of person whose hypothetical personals ad would read “turn ons: excessive generic brand purchases and 401k’s.” So for him to agree to sort of a frivolous trip was like, as exciting and rare as an alien sighting. Twice.

And you better believe I planned that shit right quick. I think everyone kind of knew that I needed it. I think they had secret meetings about it. They probably met in that tunnel by the factory that the pregs met at. They said things like “seriously, Amanda is losing her mind. I can’t hear about Baby Signing Time one more damn minute”. I say this because everyone was so agreeable to help. B’s mom flew out just to watch G, with no help, for like 5 days. Which my friends, is a damn olympic feat in itself.

We planned a trip to Miami because it was close enough to solid medical care if needed, the flight was relatively cheap and it was the off season. YES Miami in July. Pregnant. I know.

B was way nervous about douchebags and I was as nervous about the heat. We both survived. What I wasn’t sure about was if I could survive leaving G. I cried when I just thought about leaving him. I didn’t know how I’d do it.

But I did it. And I didn’t cry. But the first 2 days I was like, Oh the ocean, G would love the ocean. Oh a tile floor, G would love a tile floor. Oh crackers, G would love crackers. After B smacked my brain, it all magically went away. And I was *gasp* relaxed.

See, here’s the thing with a vacation when you’re life is chasing a toddler 24 hours a day: Your expectations are very low. Like, if you spend 3 hours watching Kardashian reruns in your hotel, you feel successful because ALL of the things in the world that are non baby are special and a bonus. You don’t feel like you’re “wasting your vacation” because seriously, peeing alone is a vacation.

We ate our faces off, we laid on the beach, we walked in shops and yes we watched TV. And it was glorious GLORIOUS and the best money ever spent. But because our standards were so low and just time to ourselves was amazing, we really could have gone anywhere. And that my friends, is why you HAVE to do this. In case you still aren’t sure, here are some things I did that I normally can not do:

1 Dry my hair. With a hair dryer and ROUND BRUSH. So it’s like, nice.

2 Eat candy out in the open. Like not crouching behind the kitchen island out of baby sight.

3 Watch tv during toddler awake hours. Like Ellen and Undercover Boss and WHATEVER I WANTED WITH CURSES AND NUDITY.

4 Put on eyeliner without worrying that anyone would imitate me and poke our their eye necessitating a hospital trip

5 Use a purse. A REAL PURSE THAT ISN’T A DIAPER BAG.

6 Eat a dinner without sharing my fork, picking up thrown chicken, begging anyone to take another bite or hoping no one screams at anyone.

7 Eat dinner AFTER 6pm

8 Go to bed AFTER 11pm

9 Wake up AFTER 9am

10 Wear jewelry without fear of tearing flesh from my ears or a spray of beads from a ripped necklace

11 Refer to myself as me and I instead of mommy for a whole FIVE DAYS.

 

I mean really people, can you ask for anymore than that? Do you know how great it was to like dress up? SO great. I will show you some pictures and you will see pure relaxation, a sparkle tan and complete happiness radiating from my soul.

 

Look at us. IN HEELS. I mean me. Look at me also in Helmut Lang. Which in real life I could NEVER afford. Thank you yet again Rent The Runway.

Apparently any douchebag who is any douchebag in Miami HAS to have a margarita with 2 Coronas poured into it. I was proud of B for embracing the douche 42 dollars later.

And just like that, I’m not pregnant! Amazing right? Thank you fashion. And again, thank you Rent the Runway. Have I mentioned that yet? Not having to buy maternity dresses was AHmazing.

And just to prove to you that I took your advice, I wore the slutty bikini in Miami. And dudes, compared to the 500 naked boobs we saw this was beyond no big deal. What would have been a big deal was if the pregnant lady became 502. THANK YOU B.

And then I embraced my inner Gloria Estefan Lopez Kardashian and did it UP Miami style. I did this the same night B drank his double Corona margarita, so he had no idea what was going on. You should also know I’m wearing pregnant spanx. Don’t ask, I don’t really get it either. But the dress was see through. Also it’s from Urban Outfitters and I would NEVER wear this not pregnant because it shows everything. It’s super ironic how you can show more shit when you’re pregnant because you’re supposed to be fat. It really was a great fashion time for me.

And with that I’ll end with B in a leather jacket. Because that’s normal in Miami heat. Which I hear is a sports team.

Apparently B thinks robots wear leather. I guess some do.

Now, as good and grande as our trip was. Do you know what was better? (hold your puke) Coming home to G. Seeing how incredibly happy he was to see mom and dad was like, the best thing ever. Yes, better than the eyeliner thing. He had a great time with his Nana and we owe her a million ponies and rainbows for what she did for us. But he was jumping out of his skin when we came home. (and so were we).

So that my friends is my plea to you Pregnant Women of the World. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. Because this time I knew what was ahead of me and dudes, these babies are not playing. They will take your brain and your soul for a solid 12 months.

And now I thank you for dealing with a LOT of vacation pictures. My unborn fetus promises you that there will not be ANY vacations for a very VERY long time to come. You are welcome.

xoxo

tanMODG

If you are pregnant: LISTEN UP. I’m about to tell you some important words. I didn’t do it during…

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