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B, Stuff I like

Stuff B wants! (What to buy your “i don’t want anything ever” man person)

December 10, 2012

And the winner of the Tee shirt quilt is:

Sarah Macon

#1. That is why I don’t have 2 kids.
#2. We have that alarm clock and it is awesome. She is bed bound until 8am.
#3. Train tables are awesome but we have no room left in our house due to kid shit taking over.
#4. I need to win. I favorited that bad ass t-shirt quilt.
That is all.

Sarah, email me at modgblog at gmail dot com to set it up. And for the rest of you, use the code MODGYOURFACE to get 25% off a quilt. Order must be placed in the month of December.

_______________________

Welcome to the one post that I dread writing most every year. Stuff B Wants is like pulling teeth. You can see the post from last year that I said pretty much the same thing. Oh you can also see from last year that many of these gifts are repeats. Because 1)boys are boring and 2)B never gets anything for himself. One of those is sad. Feel free to buy something for B and make the sad face go away.

Here is my annual disclaimer if you are looking for a gift for your man person and found yourself here (I’m sorry). B likes sports, beer and man things. He does not know what AG jeans are. He does not wear any sort of wrist decoration. His “fancy” sunglasses are Oakley and you will not find him in da club. Like ever. If that sounds like your man person, let’s do this.

 

What do you know. A drill. Is it the same drill from last year’s list? Almost. It’s just the newer model. Every time I ask B what he wants, this is the first thing he says. I don’t know WHAT on earth he is drilling (that’s what she said). But apparently it’s something that is very far away from outlets. It MUST be wireless he says. So if your male has a drill and it has a wire, maybe he wants this? B says so.

Ok this one is being posted by popular request. Many of you have actually told me that this underwear changed your male’s life (sounds like I’m talking about a cat when I keep saying male). B is very proud of this fact. This underwear comes in a plastic package and you can get it at walmart. Probably even the grocery store. We roll fancy around here. We also never say roll. I also sort of just wanted to post this picture.

B is 6’4” and broad. Nothing fits him. NOTHING. It drives everyone crazy who tries to buy him something ever. Either the sleeves are too short or the length shrinks or the arm holes are too narrow. Whatever. It’s a pain. J.Crew tall seems to be the only one that gets it right. Because B is not really BIG and tall. Just tall. This is getting uncomfortable. Whatever. J.Crew does the job.

I know, you’re like…”please MODG. B? Wants a slow cooker?” Let me tell you something. Without said slow cooker (and without said Pinterest) B would not eat. So yes, B wants a slow cooker. The problem with ours is that on the lowest setting it cooks very hot. This one you can set the temperature manually and check the temperature of your meat with the included thermometer. Or it can just shut off at the right temp. It’s genius and not that expensive. We …I mean B, wants this.

OMG, if I have to hear about the Nest thermostat one more time. B says, Nest is advertising on ESPN! B says, Lowes is having a super special on Nest. B says, Nest is really everywhere. This is probably his number 1 gift. Why? It saves you money. And that my friends, is all any regular dude wants. To save money. For those of you who don’t know, this thermostat is made by the smarties from Apple. It learns your behavior in a creepy cool robot sort of way and adjusts temperature to your behavior. It prints our reports, it makes suggestions, it wipes your butt. It’s awesome, I have to agree. NEST NEST NEST for president!

B wants ….ok I can’t do it this time. I want an immersion blender and forgot to put it on my list. It comes in pink. Enough said.

B got a Sonicare toothbrush from his dentist friend when we first started dating. Um, like 10 years ago. It’s probably his number 1 favorite gift ever. B has good teeth though so maybe he’s on to something. Finally he needs a new one. Probably because he changed the brush head like twice in 2 years. Apparently they are “pricey”.

Ok you sold us. MANY of you told us to tell our Magic Bullet to beat it and get on board with the NINJA! HI YA! I’ll be honest, things with the name ninja always get me. B makes a smoothie like daily and he’s on board too. NINJA FOR THE WIN

Ok this is almost 300 dollars. B doesn’t know he wants it, which is good since he’s not getting it. But I promise you, he wants it. It’s the whiskey advent calendar! For your favorite drunk! Shoot down a bottle of whiskey every day until Christmas to erase the pain of your life. Happy holidays!

 and there you have it. Love it or hate it, this is really B’s list. I don’t try and get all creative and fancy with these lists, I just show you what we actually want or are giving. I hope this helps make your holidays a little less stabby this year.

Operation WANA is SO close. Hang tight everyone.

xoxo

MODG

_______________

Your man gift referral list was brought to you by the awesome geniuses at Turning Art. This is seriously the coolest gift that I would LOVE to get. Can I tell you how many times I’ve gone to buy art for my house and had to get it framed for a billion dollars or go buy a dumb Ikea frame that fits nothing and 3 months later hang it only to hate it? This service starts at 10 bucks a month and let’s you rotate REAL grownup art in your house ..FRAMED! When you find something you like you can buy it at a discount. Or you can keep switching it up. I’m giving this as a gift to someone for 3 months (30 dollars total). It’s so creative. And shipping is free. Have I said I love this yet?

Turning Art is giving away a free 6 month membership. One great way to take advantage of a membership is to use it with your kids and teach them about art. Check out some Whimsical pieces and post your favorite here to enter to win. Winner will be posted next post.

And the winner of the Tee shirt quilt is: Sarah Macon #1. That is why I don’t have 2…

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Awesome things, Stuff I like, Style

IT’S HERE: Stuff I Like (Holiday Edition II)

December 4, 2012

Hello and welcome to the 2nd holiday edition of “Stuff I Like”. I also call this, the time where I pretend to be Ellen/Oprah (Elrah) and you pretend to care. It’s a great time of the year.

In this series, I do a post on the stuff I want, stuff B wants and stuff the kids wants. It helps you buy gifts and spend your money carelessly. That’s what friends are for.

I’m starting with my list and I feel the need to share this disclaimer: I have been pregnant for 43 years, I haven’t put on non pajamas in 3 weeks, my dark circles match my hair color and I really couldn’t tell you anything happening in the world that E news isn’t reporting. With that being said, my list may reflect my current state of being. Gone are the days where I’m posting the cutest Marc Jacobs bag and now I’m posting a waterproof diaper bag and food processor. Apologies to cool people everywhere.

Here we go. Remember, click on the picture for the link to the product:
Hue Women’s Perfect Fit Leggings.

I know this picture is small. Click on it for the bigness. These leggings (I’m told) are the best for post pregs. They have a wide waistband and come up high enough to suck in your sag parts. And let’s be honest, I clearly haven’t worn enough leggings in the past 9 months, so I need MORE MORE MORE LEGGINGS. Right now I care about being comfortable and not a heinous beast. Ok, 1 out of 2 isn’t bad. Also: CHEAP. Get them, thank me.

Longchamp expandable travel bag (big ass diaper bag)

Oh lovely expandable waterproof diaper bag. How I long for you. My super cute leather bag isn’t cutting it anymore. It’s a super bag, but for the likes of 2 kids in cloth diapers who need shit like bananas and bibs, I need this. I keep posting it hoping that some benefactor out there will gift it to me because they want to. That stuff happens right? I mean in our lives, the cost of this is totally not realistic for a diaper bag. But I can dream. And the richies out there can get it and rub it in my face.

Bach Flower Remedies

You’ve heard me talk about Bach Rescue Remedy before. Bach has many many “remedies” as the fancy homeopathic people call them. They are essences that cure ailments. For example, I’m taking the Mustard remedy now  to “bring back joy and cheerfulness when gloom descends for no obvious reason” i.e. post partum depression. I love how specific the descriptions are on the remedies. They are also super beautiful little tiny magic bottles. I feel like a cobbler in 1765 with my remedies. If I really had my super gifting ways, I’d love the whole set and run a homeopathic business in my front yard. Lemonade stand style. And if you want to get funny about it, get this set for your favorite frienemy. Be all, “I really thought you could use this…”

You can look up ailments here

That is one tiny sexy pumper. Note to self: Take picture in your self pumping bra, naked, with hand on hip and seductive face. Use as facebook profile pic. So yeah, I look at stuff like this on my own wants list and sigh. My life is so far from “martinis”. But dudes, I really want this. Do you know what an ass pain it is to hold the pumps at your boobs while you pump? You can do all sorts of things with this. Pump and ride a horse! Pump and pave your driveway! Pump and Britney dance with a snake around your neck! The options are limitless. Also, pump and take awkward pictures.

One of you guys clued me into this on the MODG facebook page. This is the coolest. It’s a memory card for your camera that has built in wi-fi. So you can upload directly to your computer, or facebook, or twitter, or porn sites in a flash. Also I felt so smart when I told B about this and I knew about it before he did. Thank you MODG readers for making me smart. This is a very cool gift for anyone with a camera.

Let’s chalk this up to the “gifts I’ll never get, but will talk a lot about wanting” category. Oh MacBook Pro. You should be mine. See, I hate ipads. I know, kill me society. But I’m a “writer” (heavy on the quotes), so I like to type. And any “writer” knows that typing on anything touch screen is for baboons. I assume the proper posture that I learned in 1994 typing class and I play dork games like Type Racer. So I want want want a macbook. And don’t give me any of that netbook BS. I have one and I want to throw it at someone’s head. Mainly Taylor Swift.

 

 

Dudes, my Magic Bullet finally broke.  I think there are like 9 sex toys out there with the same name, but I’m talking food processor. I’ve had mine for TEN years. I’ve had NOTHING for ten years. This thing is closer to me than my cats. I finally broke the damn thing trying to process dates for some homemade Larabars. I’m an asshole. You can buy them at trader joe’s. Whatever. I want a new one like yesterday. If you don’t have one, buy one RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY DO IT. It will change your life forever. We use ours like twice a day.

As any good hippie, I have classic Toms. I love them more than bacon. Now I’m an advanced hippie and I need advanced Toms. I like these. I like the alien green color and the stitching. But I’m open to other wild Toms. They are the perfect throwing on running out the door shoe and look normal with everything. I say normal because looking “good” is something at this point in my life I’m not really striving for. Again, apologies cool people.

How cool is this? Again, for people who use their camera a lot, this is awesome. It’s such a good gift and so unique and awesome. This is a camera strap. I guess I should have said that. It’s not a horse bit. Or leather whipping tool. Camera strap. That’s all. Love it. Want it.

Finally, what modern mother would be complete without initial necklaces of her kid’s names? Obviously I need a G and an R. I’ll tell people it’s for Grave Robber. This Etsy seller does them cute and cheap.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/109385852/tiny-gold-letter-necklace-gold-initial?ref=cat_gallery_13

sorry there is the link…

And there you have it friends. My super list. Use it and go forth. Those who will like my items may fall into the following categories:

New mom

Fake Hippie

Old mom

Bored mom

Needs more hobbies mom

“writer”

My favorite part of these lists though is the comments. So please leave in the comments any awesome items that you are wanting this holiday. Then I can claim it as my own.

Next up is the toddler list. Hold on to your wallets people (B).

xoxo

MODG

_____________________

The ability to write this post and not (yet) declare bankruptcy was brought to you by the super cuteness at Gigi Hill. I really am wanting this and this right now. You know, for all of my fanciness that I’m doing these days. I didn’t know about this company until they started advertising with me but they have awesome bags and luggage that aren’t balls expensive. Which is definitely my biggest qualifier these days.

 

Hello and welcome to the 2nd holiday edition of “Stuff I Like”. I also call this, the time where…

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Awesome things, babies, Eating Innapropriately, Halloween, hippie stuff, Preg Stuff, Sharing, Stuff I like

You’re invited to my last pregnant moments in a dress. I photoshopped out my nipples. You’re welcome.

October 7, 2012

Yesterday was the last warm day in Philadelphia for a long long time. I consider this the sun setting on my freedom. However yesterday was happy for another reason because IT WAS THE DAY OF MAH SPRANKLE.

 

 

Yes you are correct. You see glitter pumpkins and candy. I could have died in a corner covered in crumbs and been happy. But I know you do not give 7 shits about my cupcakes. You want to see what I wore. Because I only made the biggest deal about it since that stupid Kardashian shoe club.

That is me. In the grass. In my slutty preg outfit. Complete with outie belly button and nipples photshopped out. My body looks like the face of a surprised asian girl. And you can’t see the shoes but they are leopard flats. To be fair to fashion, I started the day out in black leather ankle booties. That lasted 30 seconds. Literally. I came in and threw on those flats right away.

In terms of my rental dresses, I ended up returning the blue and the red and keeping the gray and the green. Which one got the final rose, was a last minute call. But I’m happy with my choice. I liked that my boobs weren’t in everyone’s face. And I’m proud of that gigando bump. Although I was asked if I was having twins. I chose not to choke her though.

The jewelry was a tough call. I rented a bunch from Rent the Runway with mah points. I wore none of it. Instead I got this gem from Bauble Bar. Their jewelry is cute and not expensive. Although it’s not ALL like super Kate Middleton quality. It’s more like Nicki Minaj quality. Which I’m ok with.

The sprinkle itself was great. We kept it really small and only invited people who I really wanted to be there. Also I have 7 friends total. So that idea worked out great. But my favorite part of the shower was my regular strength friends colliding with my hippie friends. I’ll show you some of the differences.

 

Non hippie gift.

Handmade hippie gifts.

Yes, I cried. 30 times. The hippies also gave me more cloth diapers and handmade jewelry with Yoshe’s birthstone and a card detailing the  magical powers that the stones will give us. Everyone was really jealous that they didn’t have hippie friends of their own.

We also painted onesies.

Non hippie onesie.

 

Hippie onesie.

 

Really, I can’t lose.

And now some more pictures just because I’ll never look like this again. EVER. Note to shower attendees: pictures here were chosen solely based on how good I looked in them.

 

Scrubs for G! Do you die? Get them here

And yes, this also made me cry. Because of the matching onesie that says “You make me happy when skies are gray”. (secret: B cried too when he saw it). Get it here

And that’s it friends. My last “thing”  until Yoshe shows her face in my lady parts. The countdown is on. We are at 5 weeks as of today. Thanks for virtually attending mah sprankle. Your presence did not go unnoticed.

xoxo

massive modg

this also happened.

meow.

Yesterday was the last warm day in Philadelphia for a long long time. I consider this the sun setting…

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Awesome things, Preg Stuff, Stuff I like

The 14 things you need to get you through the end of pregnancy. Plus a bonus sleeping Asian baby.

October 3, 2012

I don’t know why I was surprised, probably because my brain is 80% toilet water right now. But I was surprised how many of you are reading along with me, at the same stage of pregnancy as me. I mean I get it. Pregnant blogs make sense for pregs. But I did have to explain this to toilet brain.

So I thought that I’d share with you the things that were getting me through these last few months and weeks. Because this shit is real and I need real shit. Partly so I can actually shit. Partly so I can keep saying shit. This does wonders for my google ranking. Many of these things are good for non pregs too and just aspiring hippies or fatties. We’re all the same.

 

I’m linking a little bit different today. The picture is clickable to the link. It’s really for geniuses.

 

This my friends, is my numero uno favorite hippie discovery so far in my lifetime. It’s called Thieves Oil. And I mostly like it because in black plague time, grave robbers rubbed this shit on them when they stole magic crosses and rubies from graves so they wouldn’t also get the plague (THIEVES oil). I know. So smart. I love stealing ideas from criminals. Dudes, this stuff works. A few months ago during the pregnancy I got sick and I rubbed this stuff (highly diluted…one drop per teaspoon of a carrier oil like olive oil or sunflower oil) on my chest and feet. I have been known to host diseases in my body for a straight up month. Within 2 days the cold was gone. With the change of the season, I have been using it every night. Also, it smells like Christmas Santa Claus pants. It’s not cheap but I think worth every penny. Also the brand matters. You can find it cheaper but  you need a good quality oil.

 

Just to bump up my immunity as well I’m taking Vitamin C with Ester. I love this brand and it does the trick. The Ester is an old grandma who lives in the pill telling your body to feel better fast. She is very helpful.

 

And THEN my doula was like, idiot, you need vitamin D3 and then I saw the one legged lady on RHONY buy this stuff too (this brand) and I knew I needed it. For those of you calling out hypochondriac, I’ll remind you that I had a terrible flu/cold when my water broke early in my last pregnancy. I then had this cold for a month while by body tried to heal from a c-section while coughing and bruising ribs. Bite me.

 

I’m sorry this picture is tiny. But I like to imagine that I can put this tiny pregnant lady in my pocket and she will tell me secrets. (toilet brain). Anyway, I’ve posted this pillow before but now? THIS IS MY HUSBAND. Don’t worry, B has a body pillow too except he calls his, “his mistress”. I know, we’re F’d. Really I could never ever sleep without this thing. It is my jesus.

Many of you asked me about my go-to leggings. I have tried THEM ALL. I don’t like expensive maternity clothes so I always start with Old Navy and hated them. They tried to choke the baby out of me. These are the most comfortable. Yes they are from Pea in the Pod and yes they are 39 dollars (buy one get one 50 off now), but I promise you that they are so worth it. Anything there with the name “secret belly fit” means fatty comfy. The band comes up waaay over the belly and doesn’t dig it. It’s not overly tight and I die for them. I promise you. Worth it. Get black and gray.

I found this “dress” at Old Navy. Let’s call it what it is. Pregnant lady shirt that covers your ass. Online it’s pre-orderable but it’s in stores. I bought a large (I’m 5’2”). It’s great. Does the job, comfortable, cute and in a bigger size is like I’m so cool I wear things that fall off the shoulder. Put it with leggings, boots and a long necklace. Done. It comes in a bunch of colors. I say no to animal print though.

IF IF IF after all my nuttiness, I still get sick before delivery, I will buy this. This is a cold air oil diffuser and I will diffuse that Thieves business all over this air. Cold air diffusers are better for oils because heat breaks them down. I think I just out-hippied myself.

nap time

If I could buy more nap time on Amazon, I would. I would pay 49.99 per hour.

 

 

ok, you’re going to click on this and be like WTF Modg? An expensive square purple pillow? I hate you. Listen. If you are preg or have been preg you know what a pain in the ass it is to not be able to ever lay on your back. I learned this in yoga. You take one of these bolsters (they are very firm and special) and prop them up with 2 blocks (see below) to make the pillow lean on an angle and bam. THE MOST COMFORTABLE LAYING POSITION OF YOUR LIFE. You’re still probably like, dude, I don’t care. Get to 36 weeks and then talk to me about expensive pillows. You’ll buy 8.

 

Yoga blocs. One goes vertical at the top of the pillow and one is horizontal, closer to your butt.

Like this:

 

I’ve been “trying” to do a little bit better with my makeup and skin routine in terms of natural hippie stuff. But here’s where I’m sort of a snob. I love makeup. I love Sephora. I love anything that makes me look like an airbrushed toddler and tiara. But this stuff is good. It’s lighter, more natural, and it’s a BB cream. You know, that shit you keep hearing about and you’re like BB WHAT? It just means like tinted moisturizer that won’t murder your skin holes. It is actually supposed to make your skin better over time. And I’ve sampled them all. This is the best.

Yes it’s pricey. But I bought this stuff the day I found out that I was preg (Jurlique balancing cleanser for face) and I still have half a bottle 8 months later. It’s natural and does great things for your skin. Doesn’t strip it of oils but gets the grime and shit off. Love it. You need it. All of you.

 

Again, this falls into the IF I GET SICK category. Hold your vomit, this is fermented cod liver oil. I KNOW…DIE. But it is the gold standard ultimate forever winning hippie health remedy. Also it’s in a gel. Also you take it by the spoonful. You hate me. It’s ok. That’s why I’m ONLY getting this if I do get sick. It’s a million dollars but really does work. I hear that the cinnamon flavor tastes good. But I hear lots of lies all damn day.

 

Oh lower back pain, you asshole. It just happens when you’re preg and large. Nothing you can do. My heating pad and my body pillow makeout with each other and then we all have a 3 some. We make each other very happy.

enchiladas y nachos

ole.

And those my friends are my favorite things. Aren’t you glad I’m around now that Oprah is gone? Same but better.

As usual, share with me anything that I need to get me through these last few weeks. I’ll take what I can get.

Go forth and eat mexican.

xoxo

MODG

 

I don’t know why I was surprised, probably because my brain is 80% toilet water right now. But I…

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Awesome things, Preg Stuff, Stuff I like, Stuff on a toilet, Style

My last time on the toilet before the baby comes. No. My last time STANDING on it.

September 17, 2012

I have good friends. Real ones that don’t just live on the internet. Internet people are good too. Usually. But these people I’ve actually seen and touched. Well, not like really touched. I don’t like to touch or be touched. Ask B. He’s thrilled with that.

But my good friends are throwing me a Sprinkle. I like to call it Mah Sprankle. Do you know what a Sprankle is? It’s a little baby shower. Get it? Just a sprinkle. Yeah, I thought it was a sex thing too at first. Like that one pee episode of Sex and the City. It’s not.

I am usually very uncomfortable with parties in my honor. I have been known to find out about surprise parties and cancel them. I just feel strange with all these people there just for me. Like I should do a tap solo or something to express my gratitude. (which 6 years at Knecht Dance Acadamy could definitely allow). I know, from someone who thrives on internet attention, you’d think I’d be all over parties about me. These are the things that therapy is for.

But I am super happy and grateful to my friends for throwing Mah Sprankle. And of course, there is a fashion dilemma. Of course it’s all about renting dresses. But this time THIS TIME I have something new to present to you and you are going to shit yourself over it.

I don’t get any referral fee or points for this, which is balls because you pregs are going to be all over it. But first you help me pick a dress and then I’ll give up the info. See how that works? That’s because we’re FRIENDS.

Ok we’re choosing between 4 dresses today. Keep the following in mind:

  • Shoes and accessories are all subject to change
  • I will be a full 8 months preg at Mah Sprankle (I am 7 in these pictures)
  • Mah Sprankle is fairly casual. So regardless I’m prob going to be overdressed. Whatever. Here we go
  • Getting up onto this toilet, this preg, was no joke. It won’t be a happening again for a long LONG time.

 

 

 

Couple notes: I’m super afraid that I’m still going to blow up in the face and body like Bethenny did when she was preg like a month before her baby was born. It’s a REAL possibility. I met Bethenny, I was that skinny in 4th grade and never again.

I have my 2 faves but of course I asked most of my friends and got a different answer from everyone. So I need some internet consensus.

Tell me your fave and how you would accessorize it. Statement necklace? Big earrings? Leopard shoes? Fascinator and whip? Also tell me if I should really trust you. Like go ahead and tell me that you are a stylist for Rachel Bilson so I take your comment seriously. You can also tell me if you have daughters named Honey Boo Boo and Pumpkan and don’t know much ’bout no clothes.

NOW for the goods.

The website is called Mine For Nine All of these dresses are rented for like 20 bucks. AND AND AND I get them for a month! AND AND AND I can send back any that I don’t want within 3 days for a full refund. FULL REFUND. This is amazing. The dresses are all great quality. The red and the gray are Isabella Oliver which is like fancy shmancy preg wear that only famies would ever actually buy.

Yes I love renting clothes. RENTS FOR LIFE.

now make with the advice.

xoxo

your favorite preg.

ok…prob like your 3rd favorite preg.

MODG

I have good friends. Real ones that don’t just live on the internet. Internet people are good too. Usually.…

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Awesome things, how-to, Stuff I like, Style

Just wrap a quarter in your undies and press. And other important makeup tips.

September 10, 2012

Let’s all be honest. A year ago we were not baking bread from scratch. We were not making casserole’s that taste like pizza with 1 calorie. We were not stock piling pumpkin filling to make every fall festive cookie in existence. Our outfits were just ok. And we didn’t know how to make homemade kitchen cleaner that turns your kitchens into stainless steel robots. No. We were much more regular then. Like living life making chicken and not wearing sock buns. My friends, things have changed. This is the Pinterest generation.

And I’m about to tell you about my best Pinterest life event ever.

THE MAKEUP TABLE.

FROM THE GODS. (yes that’s mine)

Now to a regular person, you go to a store, and buy a makeup table and it’s done. But I am married to B. B buys generic tape. I stand on my toilet to see my outfits because we don’t have a mirror. So this was not only a huge deal, it was a huge campaign.

But I have to start by giving credit to this site, which I found, via Pinterest. And I will tell you that I put more time and effort into this than I did into creating this baby. But that is another story.

This was all done through Ikea and Michaels for a grand total of 87 dollars. That includes all the cases, shelving, mirror and stool. And it’s bomb. Yes, I said 1999 Bomb.

Oh do I wish I had a before picture for you. But surprise, I didn’t take a picture of the shit hole in my bathroom that used to store the stacks of dirty Nars containers and hairy brushes that I never clean. So imagine a pile of shit. Then put lipstick on it. Then throw it next to B’s body hair trimmer and generic mouthwash.

So when I saw this I knew I was doing it. Well, B was doing it and I said I would do what it took to get B to do it. Yes, you’re thinking correctly. I went and got the shit myself at Ikea and threatened to pregnant cry.

But friends. I didn’t stop at the table. I wanted it to be beautiful. I never know what the F I have in my containers. None of them are clear so every morning I guess at what colors go on my face. No more.

I scraped all of my eye shadows out of their containers and put them into these tiny plastic containers that came in these cute little boxes from Michael’s. They are meant to store beads. Like seed beads. Like that nonsense you were into for 10 minutes when you were 13.

Yes ALL of them. And you’re like WAIT so you don’t know what color is Beachy Ball Blue and what color is Bankrupt Bang-cock? No. And I also don’t know what is Chanel and what is Wet and Wild. And I like it that way. It’s like the great equalizer. My eye shadow represents society. Think about THAT.

But then I was like. Well, this is going to be a mess. B is going to give me shit every time he sees a little Princess Palace Pink on the floor. I need to do something BETTER.

So I googled it up and watched a few Asians on You Tube teach me how to make pressed eye shadows from the scraped up mess that I now had. And I’m going to tell you how. And before you say it, yes I had this much time on my hands. It was important. You’d make time to rescue a kitten from a burning tree wouldn’t you? Same.

Here is what you need for the project:

 

you’re so intrigued right? Dirty underwear and a quarter? I definitely found this sort of thing in the streets of Penn State on a Sunday morning. Stay with me for the magic. And yes, that’s my underwear before the project. I do in fact poop rainbow circles.

Ok so you need, rubbing alcohol, tweezers, a dropper bottle to fill with the alcohol NOTE: THROW IT OUT WHEN YOU ARE DONE IF YOU USE ONE THAT SAYS EYE STUFF OR BABY STUFF OR WHATEVER. You may not reuse it but the nanny, grandma, dumb husband may shoot that shit up the baby’s nose. Throw it out. You also need, a blunt object (end of a mixing spoon), cotton fabric and a quarter.

The sick part is the scraping out of your tins. Lay down a BIG towel, lock the door from your husband and dig that shit out with tweezers. Dump it in your containers. It takes forever. Watch a wedding show twice while you do it. Again, lock the door.

Once all the pigments are dumped, do this

 

Now, do that a billion times with all of your eye shadows. You don’t have a life. You watch wedding shows twice. You’re fine.

Then, after all of your hard hard work. You have THIS:

And they are so beautiful you could cry.

And now, NOW you are ready to load up your makeup table that your husband just finished drilling into the wall and waking up your toddler to do. BUT YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOURS.

 

And you have so many colors and choices and options that you can do this every day now

JUST like you wanted to.

It’s ALMOST like you live in a Nordstrom’s. All of the sources are listed and update on the site I originally credited. Check here for everything. I wish I could hug this woman for bringing such joy into my life.

I guess I should hug B too.

After I hug my eyeshadow.

 

xoxo

sparkle eyes.

Let’s all be honest. A year ago we were not baking bread from scratch. We were not making casserole’s…

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