This post is the most important post in the history of all time.
Because what it’s more important than jeans?
See, after baby#2, this little old body of mine is like screw you bitch. I’m tired. And fat. And I like it that way. Except I don’t like it that way. I’ve been on the Paleo diet for almost a month now and due to my insane crutch of eating bags of nuts and every coconut product that a coconut could ever produce (there are like 58), I’m gaining weight. GAINING WEIGHT. How do I know this? Because I had the awesome responsibility of getting measured for a bridesmaid dress. Which is worse than weighing yourself on a scale. It’s numbers that tell you how much earth you take up. And then a week later, the numbers were bigger. And I died. So we’re working on fixing that asap.
In the mean time, a girl has to wear jeans. And I’m super qualified to help all the post pregs find jeans since my body looks like a half empty roll of toothpaste. Before we get into the grit of it all, I’m going to explain my body to you so you can understand if this can help you.
Yes that’s me. I also have a Ihateeverything look on my face for good reason. I remember when Kendra Wilkinson said that she could feel her uterus pushing out her stomach, I thought, please bitch, that’s some excuse. But I swear I feel it. It’s giving me a big pouchy belly. I have a longer torso with short legs so in general I need jeans that have a higher rise so they don’t push my side fat all over the jeans. But my legs are petite and I’m overall a pretty small person, so when I go up a size, the waist fits, but the legs are too big. I know, disgusting. So this was my challenge.
I posted on facebook to everyone to recommend your best skinny jeans to me. I normally am not a skinny jean fan, but with my new disgusting body, it’s works. In a disgusting way. I received almost 300 comments. Super. I went through them all. My criteria was this:
1) affordable. I do not plan on being this size for long. HEAR THAT BODY? But I did try a few pricier ones just to compare
2) dark color to make me fade into the dark dark night of skinniness
3) super skinny with some stretch
4) a mid to high rise to tuck away all the bullshit
I made a pinterest page categorizing all of the recommendations. Then I got a very very special day where B stayed home with the kiddos and I went on a damn MISSION to the mall. There was sweat involved.
**NOTE** I do not have the time or ability to do a full denim photoshoot on my toilet. I tried and then a baby cried and a toddler pooped and it was all over. I got one picture.
I started with some of the cheaper and less likely options
Ann Taylor Loft is the supplier of these seemingly cute jeans (Modern Skinny). Cute right? Dark, skinny, stretchy, mid rise. And what I like about general mall type stores is that the sizing always makes you feel way skinnier than you are to appeal to fat america. I bite. Loft had a 50% off sale so I ordered these.
I should say that I saw these on a friend and they were cute. This is what they looked like on me
I can’t even believe I just put that picture on the internet with my slow face and beast butch outfit. Regardless, you needed to see the FALACY that is Ann Taylor Loft. BAD. Now I should say that I have heard the legging jeans are better. This I may try. But these friends. No. Just no. Next.
Another American Standard. THE GAP. I’ve been impressed with their jeans lately. They usually do stretch out but without paying 200 dollars, you’re going to get that.
I tried these:
This is the Gap legging jean. Note, it is not the super stretch. We’ll get to that. These I liked. The rise was perfecto. I did order 1 size bigger than I normally wear pre-preg, but it wasn’t THREE sizes bigger so that’s a win. I did not order the short or petite, which you would think I should since I’m 5’2”. But in both, the rise is shorter and hits the handles in a vomit spot. The regular was perfecto. I KEPT THESE AND I’M HAPPY WITH THEM.
I did also try these
These are the same jeans as above but with Super Stretch. Very cute, seemingly good fitting. But halfway through the day they literally fall down my ass and I’m pulling them up like a diaper wearing mental patient. Cute but annoying. For my body, it’s a no.
Levi’s Juniors 535 Super Skinny Denim Legging
Good old American Levi’s. Sold on Amazon. That’s always a bonus. I emailed the mom jean guru herself at Aint No Mom Jeans and asked her opinion and she suggested these.
Ok these were sitting in my mailbox as I was writing this post. I threw on my hot pink slippers and pea coat and ran in the freezing wind to get them. I threw them on and immediately thought, too small. kill myself. But I kept going. And you know what? I like them. A lot. They are “jeanier” than a lot of the legging jeans I’ve tried. I wish the rise was a little higher but I think they will stretch a bit. I will say that they are junior’s sizing which is AWFUL. I ordered 3 sizes bigger and should have gotten 4 sizes. I know. But I’m going to keep them and rock them.
These are the BDG jeans that are carried at Urban Outfitters. I didn’t get to try them this time around but I do have a pair and I like them. They aren’t my “current” size right now but the rise is good and I’d try them again. Price is great too. I’d go a size up in these though.
Oh JCrew. Once upon a time we were friends. No longer. The toothpick and matchstick jeans were recommended to me and were a giant frump fail. I looked like a mom on a mission. A mission to be disgusting. I tried on all the jeans in the store. Some jeans, when you size up just doesn’t work on the rest of you. J.Crew falls into this sad sad category.
I’m SO sick of everyone being all “Old Navy ROCKSTAR jeans are the bestest best ever”. No. No they are not. They are SO low rise I wanted to vomit. I tried all colors, shapes, etc. These are so bad (for me) I wanted to cry/die. I also tried their other shapes, flirty curvy, swirly, twirly, who can keep up with the lame names. They were all a no for this post preg.
Other recommendations on the cheap that I didn’t get to try:
American Eagle Hi Rise Super Skinny (I was afraid to go in, everyone was 15 in there)
Target Denizen Mid Rise Skinny (they didn’t have them online and I can’t go into a store without a baby strapped to my body)
Victoria’s Secret siren mid rise skinny. Eh, I just didn’t.
Now let’s talk about some of the higher end options. In another child-less life, I had a high paying job and could buy nice clothes. So I believe there is nothing in the world like expensive jeans. They do things for your body that no other clothing item can (Spanx excluded). Not too long ago I received a 100 dollar gift card to Nordstroms from a reader. I KNOW?!?! So I got in the car, left my pride at home and tried some of these fat sluggers on.
Hudson mid rise “Nico”. Ugh expensive jeans. You are so good yet hurt me so bad. See, these people don’t need to cater to fat America so their sizing is more “true”. I like to call it more “lies” but it’s true. I had to go up THREE sizes to get them to even fit. And then they were bag sag in the legs. For me, it was a no go. For someone cuter than me, a good jean.
These are the AG Jeans in super skinny stretch. They fit more like a legging. I went up 1 size AND 2 sizes and both fit. That’s how you know you’ve got some pajama jeans on your hands (good thing). I really really liked these. They came up perfectly in the rise and hugged my legs and butt. I was realizing that I needed more of a legging jean in general and less of a skinny jean. The legging jeans were giving me the stretch I wanted to not squeeze the belly but also to be tight enough on my legs to make me look small under my giant potato sack sweaters. I didn’t buy these because they were so expensive BUT I WANTED TO. OH I WANTED TO.
Joe’s Skinny Leg “Marty”. Nope. Not cute. Not skinny enough. Not stretchy enough. Too tight in the waist, too big in the legs. Same old BULLSHIT. Screw you Joe and your “jeans”.
Others I tried to find but they didn’t have in the store
J Brand Mid Rise (also recommended from Aint No Mom Jeans)
Paige Skyline. I think these would have been great. I’m a Paige fan in general
Articles of Society “Mya” jeans. These are sold in the junior’s department. I just couldn’t.
So my conclusion for those of you who may have a similar body type and are dealing with post partum fats. Get yourself the stretchiest legging jean you can find (i.e. leggings). Remember how leggings were good when you were preg? Same idea, except JEANS.
My top high end recommendation: AG super skinny Jean (Glendon)
But I do think that any jean with the word “legging” in it with a super high amount of stretch and a mid rise, will do the job. What do you think? Are there any that I missed that I HAVE to try?
Apologies from my toilet. She sends regards.
This post is the most important post in the history of all time. Because what it’s more important than…