I’m here, for now.

Hi guys. It’s me.

I’ve been thinking about how this would go and what I would say to you at this moment for months now. I’d form a few sentences and then find myself rambling and scrap the whole thing. This went on and on as I’d dry my hair at night, as I’d fall asleep, as I’d attempt to watch American Idol. But nothing seemed right.

I owe you an explanation. I know that. I need to tell you where I’ve been. Why I left you hanging. But the answer isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be.

I started this blog on July 29th, 2009. The post was titled “I thought breast pumps were shoes, truth”. And now I just spent the better part of 2013 exclusively pumping for my second child. So that should give you a pretty good picture of how much life has changed in almost 5 years.

I’m a mom to two kids. And those two kids are my air and stars and sunshine and gummy bears. And as 2014 is taking shape, I’m finally starting to see a small glimmer of an adult life creeping back in as well. A small part of me that includes wine, dates, shopping, friends and DVR. It’s a happy little sparkle that can cozy right up next to my gummy bears.

However, getting to this point has been a tough road. We haven’t had the easiest of paths. We’ve faced a number of challenges as all parents do. We all choose to handle these challenges differently. To add to our challenges, I’ve struggled with anxiety for the better part of my life. I was the kid in kindergarten throwing up before school because I was too nervous for show and tell. Now, as a mother, my anxiety showed it’s ugly little face again. And it’s been a challenge to balance the natural worry that we all feel for our kids with unnatural levels of anxiety.

As I’ve shared our stories with moms that I meet at school, or elsewhere, the one common thread that I find is that almost all of us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We all worry about our inadequacies day in and day out. I was talking to a very cool, “with it” mom of 3 kids who said she battles guilt every day that she just isn’t doing it right. Or that it just isn’t enough. And I could totally relate. We all can.

There is nothing in this world that I love more than my kids. My DVR is like a FAR second. And I can’t think of anything scarier than screwing them up. We all have issues and we all think that we are heinous fat beasts who are emotionally scarred from flushing a pet down the toilet. And we all want to do everything we can to give our kids a better shot at being less F’d up than we are. But it’s hard because you really just don’t know. It’s like this huge, long, detailed experiment that you won’t get the results from until 18 years have gone by and it’s too late to fix any major errors. We’re just all kind of crossing our fingers, reading books and blogs and huffington post articles that promise us that IF WE DO X, Y WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK.

But here we are. And you want to know still, where I have gone. Why haven’t I been here. Why hasn’t it seemed like I care about my readers who have been with me for 5 years. Why did I neglect everything I worked so hard on for so long? Why did this little corner of the internet fall apart under my watch?

I’m not the person anymore who started this blog. I think that is obvious. However, I’ve always tried to stay very true to the tone of this blog. I wanted the message to always be honesty, whether it was pretty or ugly. Truth whether it was favorable or not. And my life as unfiltered as possible.

But that message is harder for me to convey as a parent. It’s easy to convey confidence as you detail your nap on the kitchen floor after your 8th martini when you’re 24. It’s less easy to talk about your children and parenting choices, and hear criticism about you as a parent.

Because it’s so much more important.

I’m not going to put this on you guys or really anyone else except me. I am pretty hard on myself as a mother. And my anxieties can get the best of me. And it started getting to a point that I dreaded the ding of my email as comments came in from this blog. I used to love the interaction, now I just waited for the criticism.

Many of you said, just don’t talk about the controversial stuff. Believe it or not, I don’t. If that gives you an idea of how controversial our choices may seem. The criticism came from posts that I least expected. And sometimes just due to the tone of my writing.

Many of you said, if you can’t take it, you shouldn’t have a blog.

Maybe you are right.

Because I can’t take it.

So the question becomes: What now? Do I continue blogging but just not talk about the kids? I tried that. The blog became sort of inauthentic and distant. Not what I wanted.

How do I blog without the unfiltered honesty that I’ve always maintained as the tone for this blog?

These are hard questions that I STILL don’t have the answer to. And I’m figuring it out.

Will I quit? Will I go on? Will I start a new blog? I don’t know yet.

I’m closing the comments on this post. Because I’m ashamed to say that I’m still afraid of the feedback.

I wanted to let you all know though that we are ok. I appreciate all of your emails. If you still want to keep up with us, I do maintain my instagram account for now “modgblog”.

I promise I won’t be gone for good. I just don’t know what it will look like when I’m back.

sparkles, loves and peace signs out your butt,


Guys. This is me in high school.

hs junior

plus a jazzy background.

It was 1998. I was a junior. Britney Spears was skinny. I had a perfectly perfect chin length bob that doubled as a face helmet. I had a steady boyfriend. I had 3 best friends who would sing Spice Girl’s lyrics with me at lunch. I was in choir, the History Club (for the free trip), and the school newspaper. I wasn’t a nerd but I wasn’t the coolest of the cool. I was insecure and just trying to blend in. Just like the rest of high school dopes. All just trying to get by in one piece.

Now it is 2013 and my high school is still standing and educating girls in bra tops and boys in whatever boys wear, while everyone learns via robot teachers and laser beams that shoot knowledge into student’s heads. I’m pretty sure that’s what happens in high schools now. But something else is different too…

You may have heard my high school’s name in the past week or so. It’s been in the NY Times, Huffington Post and even on ESPN. They are talking about a hot button that has been discussed for years and years and years. And finally, a group of brave kids wanted to do something about it.

Here is the cover of that yearbook from 1998.

hs yearbook

What’s wrong with this picture? I bet a lot of you will say nothing. We’ve sort of been taught after 100 million Thanksgivings and Halloweens that nothing IS wrong with this. But what if it was a different picture and it said Blackskin? Or Yellowskin? Would you see something wrong then?

The word “Neshaminy” refers to a Native American tribe that resided where I grew up. There is a mall named after them too. And as long as the school has been there, they have been the Neshaminy Redskins. Just a brief history lesson (I learned it in History Club….please) the term “Redskin” is what us whities called Native Americans because of the paint that they would use on their faces. It’s derogatory. Plain and simple. No matter how you use it. For example, “that Redskin is sooo awesome!” Still derogatory. It’s objectifying a group of people.

Well, the editors at the Neshaminy school newspaper, The Playwickian, decided that they weren’t going to publish the word “Redskin” anymore in the print of the actual paper. Instead, they would just refer to the football team and other school teams as “Neshaminy.” They wrote this piece stating why. And it was brave. Because they knew there would be backlash. But they just didn’t know how much.

After they made this decision, the principal of the school declared that they MUST print the word “Redskin”. That they actually are not “allowed” to NOT print the word. Um, what? The principal doesn’t feel that Redskin is a racist term in any way and is shoving their first amendment rights up his racist principal butt. And hence we have a huge hot debate going on within the school and now the state and the country and also the universe.

Does this totally sound like a weird episode of Glee or is it just me? Granted, that’s my only exposure to any high school anymore, but come on. A racisty squirly principal telling a bunch of kids, who are standing up for what they  believe in, that the school will take away their bus for their trip to nationals followed by a rendition of Don’t Stop Believing??? I  mean…. You get it.

But it hasn’t ended here. The kids at school who made this decision are being bullied. Football players are ripping copies of the paper in their faces. Grown ass adults are attacking them on Twitter. And to top it off, a full page ad in the school newspaper was taken out by the class of 1972 saying some bullshit about school, tradition and “GO SKINS”. Just to pretty much tell the kids to shove it. And no one is helping these kids.



These kids aren’t trying to take away a school mascot (although they SHOULD. Or someone should.). They just don’t want to print the word in the paper. National papers have done the same with the Washington Redskins. But we’re not talking about a team with billion dollar merchandising deals. We’re talking about a high school mascot. Do you really give a shit if the mascot changes to the Neshaminy Tigers, or the Neshaminy Squirrels or the Neshaminy Racists? Wait that last one would be offensive. And we wouldn’t want to project to the world that the high school is racist, WOULD WE?

So after a big open forum and meeting at the school with the administration and the students, an agreement was not reached and now it’s going to the school board. These kids are standing up for what they believe in and they aren’t getting any real support.

Well I want them to know that a little insecure junior girl from 1998 supports them. In 1998 I wrote some weird weird shit for the paper. Most of it was never published because they would look at me like, “what is wrong with her? We can’t publish a hate piece on Winnie the Pooh. That’s weird” But sometimes my weird stuff was published. And that was exciting….seeing your words written for everyone to read.

And here we are in 2013 and I make my living writing weird shit for everyone to read. Thank you Neshaminy and thank you Playwickian.

I hope that you will support these editors like I do. It takes guts to work for the school newspaper and do things that others don’t like. Just like AHndreAH Zuckerman and Brandon Walsh did

You may be reading this and still disagree with me. You may think that the term Redskin isn’t offensive. You may think that tradition is more important. You may have some argument about football and recognition and team spirit.

None of that is as important as respect. And the Native Americans deserve it. And so do the editors of this school paper.

I want this to get as much attention as possible. What this principal and these administrators are doing is wrong. For those of you who do agree with me, I need you in full force attention getting mode.

I want you to tweet/facebook/instagram/whateverthehellyoudo with the hashtags #theRword and tag @theplaywickian. You can follow them on twitter and give them encouragement here.  

Write to the school board. Tell them they are shitheads. Don’t use those words. You know how to act.

And I’ll leave you with this.

This openly gay Neshaminy student posted this and was voted class president.  And I’ll be voting him president of the world.


Go Neshaminy.


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