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I love cats and if you don’t you can bite me.

babies, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Not Pleased, You think you know but you have no idea

Dear Persons who installed Unbaby.me on Facebook

August 24, 2012

Hi!. I heard you don’t want to see babies anymore on your facebook feed and you downloaded this new app that blocks baby faces and replaces them with things like cats and dogs. It’s cool, I get it. You’re young, hot, hip and with it. I can tell by the 300 pictures that I’ve seen on you in your bikini on the beach from all different angles. I don’t know how you get your arms to stretch like that, but way to go. Looking at babies is SO not part of your scene. I mean what if one of your friends actually caught you with a picture of a baby on your monitor? Can you even imagine? Shit would get real. They would definitely ban you from the next group Halloween. I know! And you were SO excited to dress up like slutty crayons AGAIN. And I really wanted to see those pictures. Again.

(photo from wtfcostumes.com)

But listen, honestly, I do get it. You are in a different part of your life than I am. You don’t actually have a baby. So why would you want to see a baby? Like I don’t  have a dog so I don’t really feel like seeing your dog on your bed “smiling” for the camera and you quoting his thoughts: “Sparky LOVES to be a cuddle bug!”. But tell me what you are ok with seeing so I can post more pictures of that. Food that I’ve cooked from Pinterest? Motivational Someecards that say things like “I hate big boobs, said no one ever” hahaha. See how funny I am? Oh wait, how about just more pictures of my cat. You like that. I know this because the option on Ubaby.me is to replace pictures of babies with actual cats. This I get. If anything says cool and hip, it’s being a Cat Lady.

You know, we’re not that different though now that I think about it. I’ve shown you pictures of my baby covered in mud, stumbling along as he learns to walk with his shirt off because it got all wet in the hose. That was totally JUST like your Saturday night, right? I know because I saw it. On Facebook. I just didn’t have any sort of app to not see it. But it’s ok, that’s who you are. And you’re my real friend. Because Facebook says we are.

I was there. I posted that shit before I had a baby. We bonded over my 500 girl night out pictures. You saw me mirror posing to get the perfect I’mnottryingtobegorgeousbutIreallyam face and then instantly make it my profile picture.

You saw pictures of my sore feet in my LAMB shoes with a dollar bill stuffed in them, just because.

You even saw me wear costumes to 7-11 because that’s what cool hip people without babies do. And you know what? You didn’t complain. That makes you tops in my book.

But now I’m a mom. Wah Wah…. I have kids. BLAH. I am pregnant. BOOOO. I am despicable. I don’t want the pictures of the happiest thing in my whole life to clog up your facebook feed. You need to have room to see what everyone is listening to on Spotify. Duh.

So enjoy your new found unbaby.me freedom. I’m going right now to download unrepublican.me, unbebetop.me, unironichipsterglasses.me and unpicturesofyourdinner.me. I’m going to replace all of those things with pictures of babies.

Yay. Now we can all be the exact type of friend that we want. Clones of ourselves.

HOLLA TO YO BOYZ,

MODG

I would super love if you could post in the comments what you would like to un____.me. Some of my favorites so far are unjesus.me and unposthowmanymilesyourun.me. Please continue this sort of thing as it makes me very happy. Thank you.

 

Hi!. I heard you don’t want to see babies anymore on your facebook feed and you downloaded this new…

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Awesome things, Drunk Stuff, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Stuff on a toilet

On the 8th day of Christmas my MODG friend gave to me, a bunch of weird pictures off the internetsy

December 20, 2011

It’s Hanukkah jewy jews! But guess what? Hanukkah is stupid. I heard that first hand from a solid jew. We just make a big deal about it because it’s near Christmas and we feel bad. When really, Hanukkah is like as stupid as Columbus Day. Minus the genocide and rape that we celebrate on Columbus Day. ANYWAY

**Update** Apparently some of my more sensitive readers were offended by this. THEY FREAKING LOVE HANUKKAH. So to that I say: HAPPY HANUKKAH. There are some people who love the shit out of this holiday. And to them I say Mazel. I also say, if you are the type of person who gets offended at stuff, you  may not like it around here**

With all this Hanukkah talk, I forgot the real reason of this post.

A CHRISTMAS EXPLOSION IN YOUR FACE. I know, lately we’ve had a lot of explosions in your face (that’s what he said) and for that I’m sorry. But I wanted to share with you some holiday imagery that makes me feel warm and lit on fire inside.

My cats are also Jewish (they have menorah stockings) so I get this cat. I would just really like to find this gettup. Charlie is dying for it.

 

I wasn’t going to do it. But I did it. I mean why not force your kid to sit on the dirtiest old man’s lap ever. Then take a picture of it. Then pay 20 bucks for the cheapest “package”. xoxo Christmas.

 

If this doesn’t scream merry christmas, nothing does.

Sorry, just 2 more cats.

I feel the same way toilet owner. Poinsettias are not only crap, but they poison cats. FLUSH THEM ALL..in the woods??

Why weren’t these guys at the mall instead? I would have bought the 50 dollar package.

Oh, woops how did that get in there?

that’s called magic.

I’ll wait why you wipe away your christmas magic tears.

 

If you don’t have this toy, go get it. Not for your kid, for yourself. It was on our wish list and a lucky boy got it for his birthday. It’s SO FUNNNNNNNN.

 

And that’s all friends. In the comments, please share with me something that will further increase my holiday cheer. MAKE IT EXTRA HOLIDAYCHEERISH.

And to conclude, I give you my favorite Christmas song that I’ve been singing out loud to who ever will listen since 1999. I  made B do a dramatic reading of them the other night. I recommend it.

 

hearts to you all

MODG

It’s Hanukkah jewy jews! But guess what? Hanukkah is stupid. I heard that first hand from a solid jew.…

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babies, Halloween, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Mom Stuff, Not Pleased

It’s a Halloween emergency. My child CAN NOT reject Halloween.

October 31, 2011

The same people who told me that my insane newborn was a “high needs baby” are now telling me that I have a “strong willed child”. Let’s just call a taco a taco. My child is his mom. Stubborn and defiant. Now I know, he’s only 11 months old. He’s not out to get me. Unless he’s a super genius and totally out to get me. No, he’s not. Probably.

Within the past 2 months, G has totally become a person. He does tricks. Not that my baby is a dog. He’s not. But he does do stuff on command. Although he’s probably going to slice me if I has him one more time how big is Gavin. But when he puts his hands way in the air with a big smile, I die. And I just want to see it over and over. And when you ask him to give you a kiss, he sticks his tongue out like some weird french sort of kiss. But it’s still ADORABLE. And I want to see those tricks over and over. But what has come with learning to do stuff, is learning not to do stuff.

We have very specific things that are hated by our strong willed child. We hate safety and warmth via hats and sleeves and we hate anything clean. This poses numerous problems. We have baby proofed the SHIT out of our house. I’m talking tv up on the wall, fireplace enclosed in protective glass proofed. This shit was not cheap. But 11 months old don’t know no. OR, they totally know no and thinks it’s hilarious.

Here’s how it started. G has always been a great eater. He eats anything we give him and then eats more. But lately he stares deeply into our eyes as we present him his favorite meatballs, picks it up without losing eye contact, slowly stretches his arm to the side and just opens his fist, as it drops to the floor, waiting for our reaction, stone cold glare.


He waits.

Here are the reactions I’ve tried

No G. Mommy worked hard to make you that reheated broccoli from dinner 3 nights ago.

NO G. YOU DO NOT THROW FOOD ON THE FLOOR THAT IS FOR TERRIBLE BABIES AND YOU ARE A JOY

Let’s keep our food on our try and in our mouths because that’s for winners!

(ignore ignore ignore)

And then B laughs and G wins the game.

This game of how can I get a reaction has transcended to climbing into the fireplace and now banging on the glass that was purchased to prevent climbing into the fireplace, chewing on cords of death, smacking our hands into our diaper poop and bucking straight out of our stroller and carseat.

When I talk to people about this they are all, oh he’s young for this sort of thing. GREAT. What does that mean for our future?

I can not be the mom in the store screaming at my child to stop punching strangers and no the box of tampons is not a box of rockets.

And now for the reason behind this post. It’s halloween. THE BEST HOLIDAY OF THEM ALL. And I may have had G’s costume made like 4 months ago. And I probably didn’t know that my child will fully believe that hats are in fact out to kill his head. And the whole essence of the costume is the hat. AND AND AND do you know how many damn baby costumes are in my facebook feed right now? Oooh your lion baby is so cute. Oooh your pumpkin baby is so cute. OOOH your Teresa Guidice baby is so cute.

I NEED TO PARTICIPATE. I mean G does. Whatever.

It’s do or die people. WE MUST get the hat on G. Trust me, you want to see this.

Help.

And also help me not have to mop my floor 4 times a day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN PAGANS.

xoxo

MODG

The same people who told me that my insane newborn was a “high needs baby” are now telling me…

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babies, Drunk Stuff, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Mom Stuff

If you met a girl who draws pictures of her cats and hires pychics to talk to them, you’d totally be friends with her right? THANK YOU.

October 10, 2011

Dudes. We have drama. It started yesterday here:


You can tell that Charlie has given up all hope. He just wants his damn sunspot and G just can’t contain himself. He just loves too much and too big. Well Charlie had enough and he had a plan.

Charlie has been hiding out in the basement drawing up blueprints of the house, communicating with neighboring animals and trying to get Willy on board. But Willy has no interest in Charlie’s shenanigans. Willy is all, “if you’d just act like a normal cat and be anti social like the rest of us, you wouldn’t have these problems to begin with.

See?

But Charlie knew he had to get out of this mess. And he did.

B woke up in the morning  to do his morning stuff and feed the cats. You best believe if a meal is ready, Charlie is there. He eats everyone’s meals. But no Charlie to be found.

B looked in the usual spots: On anyone’s shoulders and faces and he was not there. B was like “CHARLIE I HAVE SO MUCH FOOD AND HUGS FOR YOU” No Charlie.

So without getting me worked up, B takes G and leaves the house to find Charlie. He opens the back door and as casual as Britney at the farm, Charlie struts out from under the grill on the deck and waltzes in the house like no big thing. Just looking around for his food. Like hey everyone, I spent the night outside with the animals and the stars and the bugs and NO BABY and it was great and I’m amazing.

WTF. The bad news is that Charlie is escaping regularly now and I would seriously lose my mind if we lost him. The good news is that I have a solution. I will be contacting a pet energist. I got the idea from Real Housewives where the one lady has a regular energist who tells her about her energies. And also from Flipping Out where Jeff Lewis had a pet psychic read his dog’s mind. I feel like I need that for Charlie. Bravo gives me the best ideas. B is totally on board too. The conversation was like this:

Me: I CAN’T LOSE CHARLIE. I’m going to hire a pet energist to solve this problem.

B: Um, no.

Me: What do you mean no, you don’t even know what that is.

B: You just aren’t hiring anyone about anything.

Me: OH yes I am. As the house manager, I am hiring a pet energist to read Charlie’s mind and bring our family back together.

B: Great. Sure. Go hire a pet energist. That sound like a *really* good idea.

See? He’s totally on board. I told you. So now I have to hunt one of these bad boys down. In a quick google search, this is my first result. I feel like this was the smartest idea ever.

 

Oh also, B was like…So, you’re totally going to draw an MSPaint picture of Charlie outside in a tent, roasting marshmallows or something by a fire. Um, No B. You don’t know me. Also, that is absurd. Cats hate marshmallows.

they like fish.

 

Send us us psychic energies and some sort of electric fence.

Team Charlie this week.

xoxo

MODG

Dudes. We have drama. It started yesterday here: You can tell that Charlie has given up all hope. He…

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babies, Dramababy, Drunk Stuff, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Mom Stuff

War of the Beasts: The Big House

October 2, 2011

Happy Sunday and welcome to another edition of War of the Beasts. If you’re just joining us you can review our last telenovela here. I’m warning you. This week is ugly.

G: Man, that cat really did it. He really got me into some sort of jail situation. I don’t really understand it though. I mean, this is still my house but now there are jail bars. Damn that genius ball of love fur.

G: OHMYGODOHMYGOD IT’S YOU IT’S YOU! I knew you’d come for me my wonderful bag of kitty love

Charlie: They told me you were drooling everywhere, peeing in your pants and throwing food during meal times. SO HERE I AM. HAPPY?

G: Oh I’m so happy. I know I’ve made some mistakes. But you’re here now and that’s all that matters and you love me and you’re here and you love me. I’m gonna sneak you in so we can hug until you can’t breathe. Just get real flat and slide under that bar down there.

Charlie: Well…I guess it couldn’t hurt…just for a little….

Charlie: NO. I can’t do this. Not this time. I’m going to be strong. Also there is a camera on my asshole and I don’t have a tail, so I have to go.

G: Charlie, nooooo uggh I’m sick without you uuuugh grunt grunt uuugh. They try to give me avocado and and make me wear sleeves and other means of torture. What do I have to do to get you back?

Charlie: Put your tongue away first of all. You look like a damn fool.

G: DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I’LL SHOW YOU TONGUE, YOU BACK-TALKING TAIL-LESS NO GOOD WORTHLESS ASS CAT.

G: Ok that was too much. I crossed the line. I’m sorry. I LOVE YOU

Charlie: And I’m done.

G: You think it’s over. But I’ll be out soon Charlie. I’ll see you very soon. And I’ll eat your fur with some fava beans and a nice chianti. IT’S NOT OVER UNTIL I SAY IT’S OVER.

 

……

Well this week things got a little ugly and aggressive. Charlie continues to try and escape during my daily UPS delivery of amazon crap. And G now says mamma, dadda and Bob. We’re not sure who Bob is but we’re assuming someone he met in the slammer.

I have no idea where this will go but it seems like Charlie is wearing down and G is getting more aggressive. Most of you were team G, but you may have changed your mind after today.

So update me: are you still siding with this ruthless abusive baby?

I feel like we need shirts with cat heads and baby heads on them.

Word,

Warden MODG

 


Happy Sunday and welcome to another edition of War of the Beasts. If you’re just joining us you can…

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babies, Drunk Stuff, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Mom Stuff

The Charlie and G Saga: Charlie’s Escape.

September 16, 2011


While we were all busy talking boobs and boob scandals, there was a scandal occurring under my own roof. Lucky for you the paparazzi was available and we’ll be reviewing the play by play.  Before everyone gets all nervous and terrified, you can rest easy knowing that everyone is safe and still living in this house.

G: Well well well. What do we have here? I see you think you’re going somewhere?

Charlie: This is goodbye. I’ve had enough of your abuse and lies. The mailman will be taking me back to Japan within the hour.

G: don’t leave me my lover!  You’re the only happiness that I’ve ever known. Please just hold me one more time.

Charlie: (59 minutes, 58 minutes…)

G: I DON’T THINK YOU’RE HEARING ME LOUD AND CLEAR. I WANT YOU TO STAY IN MY LIFE FOREVER.

Charlie: You’ve hurt me too much. I’m stronger today and I’m leaving. And go put a shirt on already.

G: Look at me love. Just look at me and remember the good times. The grabs. The bites. The pulls. Those are memories and they are real.

Charlie: Well…

G: YOU LOVE ME YOU WANT ME BACK YOU LOVE ME I KNEW YOU LOVED ME YOU NEED ME YOU WANT ME WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER.

Charlie: (stay strong, stay strong. He always does this and you always take him back. NOT this time)

G: And juuust so we’re clear, if you do leave. I’ll be taking a piece of you to remember you by.

Charlie !!! CALL 911 !!!

G: You know what? Fine. I changed my mind. I don’t need you. I’m a better baby without you. Just go. Leave. I can’t bare the sight of you. You sicken me.

G: But  just one more kiss. That’s all. One more.

 

Charlie: NO. I’m done. I can still taste you on my lips. I don’t want this anymore.

G: But. But. But….

Charlie: I’m calling the police and you’re going to jail. You better get the rest of your velour track suit and gold chain. You’re going to need it in the slammer.

 

And so my friends, you’ll be happy to know that I stopped Charlie just in time and he is safe with me. But he tries to escape every time we open the door.

Tune in next week for Charlie’s visit to G in the slammer. I don’t know WHY he even visited. It’s like he’s looking for pain and torment.

G is still wildly abusive and we’re looking to get help for him.

Keep us all in your thoughts,

MODG

While we were all busy talking boobs and boob scandals, there was a scandal occurring under my own roof.…

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