I love cats and if you don’t you can bite me.

Hi!. I heard you don’t want to see babies anymore on your facebook feed and you downloaded this new app that blocks baby faces and replaces them with things like cats and dogs. It’s cool, I get it. You’re young, hot, hip and with it. I can tell by the 300 pictures that I’ve seen on you in your bikini on the beach from all different angles. I don’t know how you get your arms to stretch like that, but way to go. Looking at babies is SO not part of your scene. I mean what if one of your friends actually caught you with a picture of a baby on your monitor? Can you even imagine? Shit would get real. They would definitely ban you from the next group Halloween. I know! And you were SO excited to dress up like slutty crayons AGAIN. And I really wanted to see those pictures. Again.

(photo from wtfcostumes.com)

But listen, honestly, I do get it. You are in a different part of your life than I am. You don’t actually have a baby. So why would you want to see a baby? Like I don’t  have a dog so I don’t really feel like seeing your dog on your bed “smiling” for the camera and you quoting his thoughts: “Sparky LOVES to be a cuddle bug!”. But tell me what you are ok with seeing so I can post more pictures of that. Food that I’ve cooked from Pinterest? Motivational Someecards that say things like “I hate big boobs, said no one ever” hahaha. See how funny I am? Oh wait, how about just more pictures of my cat. You like that. I know this because the option on Ubaby.me is to replace pictures of babies with actual cats. This I get. If anything says cool and hip, it’s being a Cat Lady.

You know, we’re not that different though now that I think about it. I’ve shown you pictures of my baby covered in mud, stumbling along as he learns to walk with his shirt off because it got all wet in the hose. That was totally JUST like your Saturday night, right? I know because I saw it. On Facebook. I just didn’t have any sort of app to not see it. But it’s ok, that’s who you are. And you’re my real friend. Because Facebook says we are.

I was there. I posted that shit before I had a baby. We bonded over my 500 girl night out pictures. You saw me mirror posing to get the perfect I’mnottryingtobegorgeousbutIreallyam face and then instantly make it my profile picture.

You saw pictures of my sore feet in my LAMB shoes with a dollar bill stuffed in them, just because.

You even saw me wear costumes to 7-11 because that’s what cool hip people without babies do. And you know what? You didn’t complain. That makes you tops in my book.

But now I’m a mom. Wah Wah…. I have kids. BLAH. I am pregnant. BOOOO. I am despicable. I don’t want the pictures of the happiest thing in my whole life to clog up your facebook feed. You need to have room to see what everyone is listening to on Spotify. Duh.

So enjoy your new found unbaby.me freedom. I’m going right now to download unrepublican.me, unbebetop.me, unironichipsterglasses.me and unpicturesofyourdinner.me. I’m going to replace all of those things with pictures of babies.

Yay. Now we can all be the exact type of friend that we want. Clones of ourselves.



I would super love if you could post in the comments what you would like to un____.me. Some of my favorites so far are unjesus.me and unposthowmanymilesyourun.me. Please continue this sort of thing as it makes me very happy. Thank you.


POSTED IN: babies,I love cats and if you don't you can bite me.,Not Pleased,You think you know but you have no idea

It’s Hanukkah jewy jews! But guess what? Hanukkah is stupid. I heard that first hand from a solid jew. We just make a big deal about it because it’s near Christmas and we feel bad. When really, Hanukkah is like as stupid as Columbus Day. Minus the genocide and rape that we celebrate on Columbus Day. ANYWAY

**Update** Apparently some of my more sensitive readers were offended by this. THEY FREAKING LOVE HANUKKAH. So to that I say: HAPPY HANUKKAH. There are some people who love the shit out of this holiday. And to them I say Mazel. I also say, if you are the type of person who gets offended at stuff, you  may not like it around here**

With all this Hanukkah talk, I forgot the real reason of this post.

A CHRISTMAS EXPLOSION IN YOUR FACE. I know, lately we’ve had a lot of explosions in your face (that’s what he said) and for that I’m sorry. But I wanted to share with you some holiday imagery that makes me feel warm and lit on fire inside.

My cats are also Jewish (they have menorah stockings) so I get this cat. I would just really like to find this gettup. Charlie is dying for it.


I wasn’t going to do it. But I did it. I mean why not force your kid to sit on the dirtiest old man’s lap ever. Then take a picture of it. Then pay 20 bucks for the cheapest “package”. xoxo Christmas.


If this doesn’t scream merry christmas, nothing does.

Sorry, just 2 more cats.

I feel the same way toilet owner. Poinsettias are not only crap, but they poison cats. FLUSH THEM ALL..in the woods??

Why weren’t these guys at the mall instead? I would have bought the 50 dollar package.

Oh, woops how did that get in there?

that’s called magic.

I’ll wait why you wipe away your christmas magic tears.


If you don’t have this toy, go get it. Not for your kid, for yourself. It was on our wish list and a lucky boy got it for his birthday. It’s SO FUNNNNNNNN.


And that’s all friends. In the comments, please share with me something that will further increase my holiday cheer. MAKE IT EXTRA HOLIDAYCHEERISH.

And to conclude, I give you my favorite Christmas song that I’ve been singing out loud to who ever will listen since 1999. I  made B do a dramatic reading of them the other night. I recommend it.


hearts to you all


POSTED IN: Awesome things,Drunk Stuff,I love cats and if you don't you can bite me.,Stuff on a toilet

It’s a Halloween emergency. My child CAN NOT reject Halloween.

Thumbnail image for It’s a Halloween emergency. My child CAN NOT reject Halloween.

The same people who told me that my insane newborn was a “high needs baby” are now telling me that I have a “strong willed child”. Let’s just call a taco a taco. My child is his mom. Stubborn and defiant. Now I know, he’s only 11 months old. He’s not out to get me. […]

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If you met a girl who draws pictures of her cats and hires pychics to talk to them, you’d totally be friends with her right? THANK YOU.

Dudes. We have drama. It started yesterday here: You can tell that Charlie has given up all hope. He just wants his damn sunspot and G just can’t contain himself. He just loves too much and too big. Well Charlie had enough and he had a plan. Charlie has been hiding out in the basement […]

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War of the Beasts: The Big House

Happy Sunday and welcome to another edition of War of the Beasts. If you’re just joining us you can review our last telenovela here. I’m warning you. This week is ugly. G: Man, that cat really did it. He really got me into some sort of jail situation. I don’t really understand it though. I […]

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