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After 2 years, 2 kids, 200 cat naps, I FINALLY beat the cat nap. TAKE THAT CATS.

May 17, 2013

You guys. I have been quiet around here because I feel like as SOON as I put this into legitimate word writings, it will disappear. Like when Britney was all “Slave 4 U” in her matching denim outfits with Justin in public…. POOF Justin’s all, “what comes around goes around”. Whatever, you get it.

Ok I’m going to say it.

Hold your breath.

Ready?

RUBY IS NAPPING.

Wait, I need to say it again. And better.

RUBY IS NAPPING FOR A LONG TIME.

EVERY DAY.

Guys, I did it. And guess what? NO CRYING INVOLVED.

DSC_0429

 

And LOOK how happy we are about it

Ok I know you’re dying to know. Remember when I wrote this post about G’s napping and how I figured it all out? And 2 years later with baby #2 I write this post saying how that post was bullshit because it didn’t work and I hate myself? Well NOW I’m writing this post saying that the last post was wrong and the post before that was right so this is a post saying how I was wrong about saying that I was wrong and I’m really right.

I mean.

yeah.

Let’s back up.

On my toddlercation, it was my MISSION to get Ruby to sleep. I tried paci, I tried no paci, I tried 2 hours of awake time, I tried 1.5 hours of awake time. I tried nursing to sleep. I tried not nursing to sleep. I tried putting her in her crib awake. I tried putting her in passed out. Nothing was working. We were on 25 minute cat naps every day.

I skyped with my sleep lady.

She’s like: Ok what’s going on?

Me: ican’tdoitanymore! Rubyneversleepsandi’mgoingtodieandGhatesmeandi’msotiredandihavetocookallthethingsandshe’sovertiredandjusttellmewhattodo?!

SL: Um

Me: TELLMEWHATTODOLADY!

And then we went over for hours and hours what could work and what may not work. And here’s the thing guys, I just wanted her to be like, do this and this and put her to bed at this time and bam, sleep. But it’s not like that. Because it’s so shitty but really? Every baby is different. I KNOW IT’S SO CRUEL. They all come from the baby store with no instructions, which is rude enough on it’s own. But now it’s like grab bag of babies. You have to figure it out. Regardless, sleep lady gave me a plan to try. But she was clear that naps are a bitch whore and that whore is nasty and just wants to be paid. Or something.

But this time? It didn’t work. It STILL DIDN’T WORK. Her plan was to try a shorter period of awake time and a long soothing period to calm her down. Sounds good but didn’t work.

So I stopped everything. I cleared my head. I reminded myself that in every major mom problem that I’ve faced, I trusted my gut. And it’s usually worked. My gut was telling me that it wasn’t how she was being put to sleep it was when. And then I remembered the G post. The first G post. I tried it again.

The idea of what worked with G was stretching his awake time. It goes against all logic and every sleep book. But I tried it.

Morning nap we did 3 hours of awake time.  We were at 2. And you know what? That child slept for an hour. I got mildly excited but didn’t believe anything anymore.

Afternoon nap I did another 3 hours of awake time. SHE SLEPT FOR 2 HOURS.

ruby naps

Because of all the sleep we skipped the 3rd nap and she went to sleep at normal bed time. I should remind you all that we have a few night wake ups still. And if she doesn’t wake up, I set my alarm to feed her. We have some feeding issues that I’ll talk to you about another time.

But guys, this was huge.

Next day, same thing.

NEXT day SAME THING

We were now officially dropping the 3rd nap, extending awake time and she was sleeping like a champ.

The one thing the sleep lady taught me was that when a kid wakes up from a nap, after 30 minutes or really any time. They are usually up. It’s very difficult for them to go back to sleep. And she was right. So I knew this child needed to be tired enough to get through that 30 minute arousal.

Here is our routine broken down for you so you can try it. Don’t ass slap me if it doesn’t work. It didn’t work for us 2 months ago. I think she just had to be a little older. So for the record RUBY IS 6 MONTHS OLD.

Morning wake up 630-730 First nap 10/1030- Around 10:15 change diaper, get in our Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit
(LOVE that thing…it’s a swaddle transitioner), turn down lights, nurse in our chair until very sleepy. Give paci and ghosty (literally the perfect lovey. G has one too and it’s the perfect size).

Wake up around 11- Sleep lady says don’t wake them but I’ve had to for various G outings and it’s been fine.

Second nap 2/230- Same exact routine as first nap.

Wakes 330-4 (!!!!)

Bed time 730/8. Routine is the same but with a bath thrown in the mix and NO paci. I know it seems counter intuitive. But the way their baby brains process night and day sleep is different. She doesn’t wake up 200 times crying for the paci anymore at night because it’s not there to begin with.

And that my friends is our success story.

Please slice my face open when I come back in a week and say it doesn’t work anymore and I’m kicking myself for putting this on the internet. But I know that lots of you are in the same boat. So if you have a 6 month old +, try it.

 

I’ll be sitting here without any kids for 30 more minutes. Because they are sleeping. THEY ARE SLEEEEEEPING

ASKDF;ALKDJSF;ALKDSJF;KALSJF;KASJDF’J

xoxo

MODG

sleep winner

You guys. I have been quiet around here because I feel like as SOON as I put this into…

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Awesome things, how-to, Stuff I like, Style

Just wrap a quarter in your undies and press. And other important makeup tips.

September 10, 2012

Let’s all be honest. A year ago we were not baking bread from scratch. We were not making casserole’s that taste like pizza with 1 calorie. We were not stock piling pumpkin filling to make every fall festive cookie in existence. Our outfits were just ok. And we didn’t know how to make homemade kitchen cleaner that turns your kitchens into stainless steel robots. No. We were much more regular then. Like living life making chicken and not wearing sock buns. My friends, things have changed. This is the Pinterest generation.

And I’m about to tell you about my best Pinterest life event ever.

THE MAKEUP TABLE.

FROM THE GODS. (yes that’s mine)

Now to a regular person, you go to a store, and buy a makeup table and it’s done. But I am married to B. B buys generic tape. I stand on my toilet to see my outfits because we don’t have a mirror. So this was not only a huge deal, it was a huge campaign.

But I have to start by giving credit to this site, which I found, via Pinterest. And I will tell you that I put more time and effort into this than I did into creating this baby. But that is another story.

This was all done through Ikea and Michaels for a grand total of 87 dollars. That includes all the cases, shelving, mirror and stool. And it’s bomb. Yes, I said 1999 Bomb.

Oh do I wish I had a before picture for you. But surprise, I didn’t take a picture of the shit hole in my bathroom that used to store the stacks of dirty Nars containers and hairy brushes that I never clean. So imagine a pile of shit. Then put lipstick on it. Then throw it next to B’s body hair trimmer and generic mouthwash.

So when I saw this I knew I was doing it. Well, B was doing it and I said I would do what it took to get B to do it. Yes, you’re thinking correctly. I went and got the shit myself at Ikea and threatened to pregnant cry.

But friends. I didn’t stop at the table. I wanted it to be beautiful. I never know what the F I have in my containers. None of them are clear so every morning I guess at what colors go on my face. No more.

I scraped all of my eye shadows out of their containers and put them into these tiny plastic containers that came in these cute little boxes from Michael’s. They are meant to store beads. Like seed beads. Like that nonsense you were into for 10 minutes when you were 13.

Yes ALL of them. And you’re like WAIT so you don’t know what color is Beachy Ball Blue and what color is Bankrupt Bang-cock? No. And I also don’t know what is Chanel and what is Wet and Wild. And I like it that way. It’s like the great equalizer. My eye shadow represents society. Think about THAT.

But then I was like. Well, this is going to be a mess. B is going to give me shit every time he sees a little Princess Palace Pink on the floor. I need to do something BETTER.

So I googled it up and watched a few Asians on You Tube teach me how to make pressed eye shadows from the scraped up mess that I now had. And I’m going to tell you how. And before you say it, yes I had this much time on my hands. It was important. You’d make time to rescue a kitten from a burning tree wouldn’t you? Same.

Here is what you need for the project:

 

you’re so intrigued right? Dirty underwear and a quarter? I definitely found this sort of thing in the streets of Penn State on a Sunday morning. Stay with me for the magic. And yes, that’s my underwear before the project. I do in fact poop rainbow circles.

Ok so you need, rubbing alcohol, tweezers, a dropper bottle to fill with the alcohol NOTE: THROW IT OUT WHEN YOU ARE DONE IF YOU USE ONE THAT SAYS EYE STUFF OR BABY STUFF OR WHATEVER. You may not reuse it but the nanny, grandma, dumb husband may shoot that shit up the baby’s nose. Throw it out. You also need, a blunt object (end of a mixing spoon), cotton fabric and a quarter.

The sick part is the scraping out of your tins. Lay down a BIG towel, lock the door from your husband and dig that shit out with tweezers. Dump it in your containers. It takes forever. Watch a wedding show twice while you do it. Again, lock the door.

Once all the pigments are dumped, do this

 

Now, do that a billion times with all of your eye shadows. You don’t have a life. You watch wedding shows twice. You’re fine.

Then, after all of your hard hard work. You have THIS:

And they are so beautiful you could cry.

And now, NOW you are ready to load up your makeup table that your husband just finished drilling into the wall and waking up your toddler to do. BUT YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOURS.

 

And you have so many colors and choices and options that you can do this every day now

JUST like you wanted to.

It’s ALMOST like you live in a Nordstrom’s. All of the sources are listed and update on the site I originally credited. Check here for everything. I wish I could hug this woman for bringing such joy into my life.

I guess I should hug B too.

After I hug my eyeshadow.

 

xoxo

sparkle eyes.

Let’s all be honest. A year ago we were not baking bread from scratch. We were not making casserole’s…

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Awesome things, how-to, Mom Stuff, Stuff I like

JUST SAY NO TO MOM SWIMWEAR. Your life depends on it. A Brazilian told me.

June 22, 2012

Hey Ho’s.

So today’s post will probably piss you off. It’s mostly because I’m going to yell at you. And you’re going to be like, “who does she think she is? She’s pregnant and then usually not a completely terrible fatty. She doesn’t even know.” But I’m still going to say it and you’ll thank me. Maybe.

We’re talking swimwear. Again.

Mom swimwear. Or lovely lady swimwear if you’re fancy.

So last night I’m out to dinner with my mom friends and we’re talking about our local public pool. Everyday, there are a brigade of moms (not us) that all know each other and sit on the edge of the pool in a row and watch their kids. So I proceed to tell my group how their swimwear choices drive me crazy. They all are clearly under the age of 60 (and most likely under 40 but who could tell) and dressing like it’s the grandma pageant circa 1954. And they aren’t fat and don’t need to wear a damn birqa to the pool. As I say this, all of my friends slowly look down at their feet and divert their eyes from my judgey glare. And then I realize. NOT YOU TOO! What you all are sporting damn tankini dresses to the pool? You are all young and hot. And it gets quiet.

Ok, hear me out.

I understand that we ALL have some pudge. We all have some cellulite. None of us want to be all pastey glow in the dark good queen saddlebags in public. Especially when it’s just time to watch your kid and probably not pick up a male suitor. But these damn bathing suits aren’t doing anyone any favors. And I really realized that when I ran into another mom friend who is Brazilian. Dude, those Brazilians know what’s up. She had a baby A WEEK AGO. And was in a bikini. We could all learn from her people. She did not give one shit or many shits for that matter what anyone thought. and she had a belly and she had cellulite but you know what? She looked hot. And she was running around, not trying to cover her parts up with strange fabric. She was even (gasp) sitting down. You know, in the position that makes your pooch pop out. But she looked young, and fun and awesome. And really all I saw were her awesome boobs anyway.

And the moms who are super covered up in their bathingdresses? Sure I couldn’t see their fat bumps, but they looked old and sad and like no one that would be on the penis parade. Actually, a penis parade sounds horrible. Nevermind. You know what I’m saying.

What was I wearing at the pool? A one piece with shorts over it. And I felt stupid. I mean, I should have just taken the damn shorts off after seeing Brazilian mom. I actually should have just rocked the bump. But listen, I do understand that a bikini isn’t totally necessary or for everyone at the baby pool. But neither is an evening gown people. So let’s talk options.

In my quest to find bathing suits for my early pregnant belly, I explored many options with what I’d call a pooch. I mean it wasn’t really a bump yet. And my legs are also carrying their own set of twins. So that’s awesome. But I think that a lot of people can relate to this bodyshape, preg or not.
Here’s what did not work.

Tankinkis.

I promise you. It’s not good for a pooch. The loose swim fabric makes you look wider and sloppy. You’re trying to cover up and it’s just not working. Here are some no examples.

 

Ok, still with me? Now for those of you who are like HISSSSS MODG I LIKE TANKINIS. Here is one that I think is cool. I really think the way to get away with it is to go sporty. Think like cool swimmer who throws a tank over her bikini like this one from J.Crew.

See the diff?

Ok let’s talk more things that could work. This is still my favorite bathingsuit for a post partum pooch or also a post pastry pooch. I wore it last year after G. And also after pastries.

I have this bad boy from La Blanca in coral and it’s THE BEST. I get compliments on it all the time. The ruching is great for a tummy and the boobs with an actual bra cup in it, are pushed up up and away. This is me in it last summer. Grab some protective eyewear before you view so my milk boobs don’t knock them out of your face.

A similar option that I also have and love is from JCrew. The deep v is cute and draws your eyes away from your lump a bumps that live in your legs and ass. My pooch is tucked and sucked and my giant milk bags are in your face. Also it’s nice to carry around a table to cover up your ass in pictures. So do that too.

Another option that I totally love is this retro one piece from Old Navy. I saw a girl in it at the pool and I RAN over to her to tell her how amazing she looked and where did she get it and when. She told me Old Navy and I almost fell off my baby. I RAN home to check the Old Navy site and of course it’s gone. But check your local store, they may have it. Now I should say I normally don’t love this cut on me because I’m short and my legs have some extra bulk right now. But this was good. I promise. Here is a picture that I stole off of someone else’s blog.

If you find this in a store, send me one. I think I’m a medium. I’ll send you a billion doll hairs.

And my next suggestion (because I’m clearly SUCH an expert at really nothing) is to give the bikini a whirl. You may surprise yourself. My friend just recommended this site (Hapari) to me to mix and match tops and bottoms. I think getting a bikini with the right size top AND bottom is way important. I’m a fan of the side tie for love handle adjustability.

Top

Bottom

I like the tops that come a little lower on your torso. I think they are skinnifying. Also white top means big boobs and black bottom means small ass. That’s science.

Another bottom that I’m a big fan of (good bottoms do NOT cut into side fat)

Is this one from J.Crew that you can mix and match with like any top ever.

Order a size smaller than you think you’d need. Proms.

LAST suggestion and this is a total wildcard.

If you want to be totally cool whatever girl. Maybe try this….

Just throw on a bikini with a fitted white tank over it. Then you’re sporty I don’t care girl. I wish I could find a picture of this. Throw on a cute hat and shades. Bam. You’re so awesome and I want to be your friend.

Now I know  you still may be side-eying me over there, saying that I have no idea about fat stuff. But here’s the thing. Every woman has an issue with her body. Every woman hates something. I remember seeing Charlotte on Sex and the City say she hates her thighs and I wanted to beat her with my flab tummy. But from my special science observation, don’t be afraid. Dress your age, flaunt your good shit. You’ll look better for it, I promise. I’m going to try and take my own advice and just because I’ve been a medium asshole in this post, I will take pictures and you can judge me. All pregnant and sick.

And I’m going to remember my brazilian friend and TRY to not give a shit. We’ll see. I tend to give shits.

Ok what do you think? Also I’d love your recommendations to the ladies of the world to keep looking our age at the pool.

WORD out

MODG

**UPDATE**

If you take my advice (as you should) and flaunt your sexy self at the pool or the beach, send me a picture to modgblog at gmail. We need to start revolution. I would love to post some DO’S for the ladies. Be confident

 

**DOUBLE UPDATE**

I want to emphasize that I wrote this post specifically for the NON pregnant girl with some pudge. Outside of the Old Navy retro and the foldover Jcrew bottoms, I wouldn’t necessarily wear these suits pregnant. For many reasons. BUT because of your interest level in this topic, I’m going to do a preg specific post on swimwear. Because after a lot of trial and mostly error, I found some winners. Post to come.

Hey Ho’s. So today’s post will probably piss you off. It’s mostly because I’m going to yell at you.…

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how-to, Mom Stuff, Preg Stuff, Sharing, Toddlers

5 steps to a successful flight with a toddler. And 1 mini step about not killing your husband. All valuable.

May 22, 2012

Today I’m going to talk about something that I have feared since I was pregnant with G. It was something that was inevitable for our family but it shook me to the core and scared me more than the Blair Witch circa 1999.

B is from Danville, California and his friends and family still live there. I was able to delay it a full 17 months. That my friends is an accomplishment. But we finally took our first cross country flight WITH A TODDLER.

Most of you know this, but G isn’t just any toddler. He’s a boy toddler. That means his blood pumps straight up Red Bull. The child does.not.stop. Here’s is 20 seconds in his brain:

Oh a ball. I’ll get the ball. Wait there is a button. I have to push it. Snack, I need a snack. Where’s that ball? Balloon! Balloon! Water. WHERE IS MY WATER? Poop in my pants. Hide from mom. Ball. Ball! Outside. Outside now. Oh another button. I need to wiggle. wiggle wiggle wiggle. SNACK! Give me a SNACK! Ball.

And it goes on and on and ON. I could not imagine this child in the confines of a 2×5 airplane seating area for 5 and a half hours. Let alone the airport shenanigans and travel to and from the airport.

I’m going to give you my advice and my experience with these caveats.

G is 17 months old and the flight was domestic and 5 and a half hours. All of this matters.

This was our first flight. No I’m not a toddler flight expert (that’s directed to you facebook flight snobs. You know who you are). But we have some good things happen and some bad things. I also researched the shit out of toddler flight stuff. It’s basically the same as flying a mental patient. But I scoured the internet for advice. This post will be my story and the next will be about the shit that I bought that saved our asses in a Stuff I Like post.

5 Steps to a successful flight with a Toddler

 

Step 1: Choosing your flight

Fight with your husband for a week about the flight times and insist that none of them will work. This is your subconscious but pretty much conscious way of hoping the flight will never actually happen. You will finally decide on a flight time that about 2 hours before his nap time but not too early that he has to wake up way before his normal wake up time. Your procrastination will cost you roughly about 200 bucks.**Important** Buy 3 seats. This was our best decision. For 5 hours, G would have lost is MIND in his car seat (which we didn’t bring). He had the middle seat and we enclosed him in. He loved it. He was up on the seat, down on the floor, standing on the seat, looking at the plane, on my lap, on B’s lap. This got his energy out. I would also say try and do a direct flight. It’s just easier on everyone and less travel time overall.

Step 2: Packing

When your husband checking only 2 bags instead of 3, you may tell him that this doesn’t even dignify a response because it’s such a ridiculous statement. Bags cost 25 dollars each, each way. Not negotiable. Actually carrying all of that shit through the airport will require a luggage camel and professional guide. I thought B was going to collapse.

Your carry-on pre-toddler probably included cool stuff like the latest Lucky Mag, a bag of Skittles, makeup for touch-ups, Smart Water so you stay fresh and hydrated and your ipod. Throw all that shit in the river. Your carry on AND the toddler’s carry on will now include the following:

TOYS: so so SO many GD toys (which I will detail in the next post)

Snacks: Like cool snacks that the kid doesn’t normally get but not shit like M&M’s because they will bounce off of the ceiling and into the lap of the person behind you who really hates kids. But you also want to have a mix of proteins and fruits and things. You know how you feel when you eat that whole bag of mixed candy that seemed like a good idea on your mall trip…like every time you go to the mall? And then you have candy stomach? Yeah you want to avoid that. Some suggestions: cheese sticks, apple slices, mandarin oranges, peanut butter pitas, Lollipops for take off and landing (helps clear their ears and shuts them up), animal crackers, fruit snacks, fig newtons, chicken nuggets cooked and wrapped in some tin foil, a cup of water.

Diaper Stuff: DO NOT put them in a diaper that is too big for them. G’s diaper may have turned into a thong. We tried disposable on the way out thinking it would be easier and we held our breath for poop the whole way. Thankfully he didn’t do it. We used cloth on the way back and it was much better. The changing table was fine in the bathroom but we also changed him on the seat. NBD.

Sleep stuff: For when you negotiate with him to sleep, make it irresistible. He got the same routine he gets at home. We packed comfy pants, sleep sack, paci, ghost dog and a blanket on the seat. After 50 tries, he laid down and went to sleep.

Step 3: Getting through the airport

This was actually cake. We brought an umbrella stroller after considering a harness, a carrier or just letting him walk. Stroller was a good decision. Security in almost every airport will let you in a special secret line for families. It was awesome and easy. We breezed right though. They let you take a drink for the kid and just put it in a top secret super scanner machine to test it for death rays. Ours passed. Kids keep their shoes on and I carried him through.

Leave some time to let the kid burn off some energy. We could have boarded first but we chose to board last. We new we’d need access to all of our shit so we didn’t even use the overhead storage. So B ran around with G and played games with him and chased him until the very last moment of boarding.

If your husband books through Travelocity and they tell you that your seating assignment is only a SUGGESTION and you end up not sitting together on the flight. Like, as in, your toddler has a seat ALONE. Try not to kill him. The good news is that security did not let you bring any weapons through. People are nice and will let you switch seats. They are especially nice when your toddler is screaming and they have the chance to move.

Step 4: Pacing the flight

Ok you’re on the flight. You have a ton of shit. Don’t be an ass and break it all out in the beginning. You have a long ways to go. The flight will be a novelty in itself for the first hour or so. Then when you DO start breaking out the goods, try your best to not let the mental patient see where you are getting the goods. Otherwise, they will be scrounging like little scavengers the whole flight.

We started with a lollipop for takeoff and this was a big hit. As soon as he could get out of my lap for takeoff and realized he could climb all over the seat, he was pretty damn happy. We played with some toys and had some more snacks and then it was beg for nap time.

We spread a blanket out on the middle seat and he sprawled between me and B. It worked out really well and he slept for about an hour. It got him through the flight. No we didn’t do Benadryl. I wanted to give him a chance to make it happen on his own. I just pictured a strung out kid and that could have been way bad. This at least kept him on some sort of schedule.

I would suggest not doing the walk up and down the aisle thing. At least for G he would have been grabbing people’s shit and running into the captain area trying to fly the plane. Then once he would have figured out that he has more than a 2×5 area of fun, we never would have gotten him back into the seat.

On the way there we sat in front of kids. This was perfect. They loved G and wanted to talk to him and play with him through the seats. On the way home we sat in front of a kid hater. We discovered this when G through his 3 little pigs house at her face. She said WHAT was that about? We said….um we are so sorry. But my advice? People are going to be annoyed by kids. But I’m annoyed by people snoring on planes. I’m annoyed by people’s smells. Stuff happens. They can deal. They can also get noise cancellation headphones. I wish I could get people cancellation headphones.

Step 5: Arrival and time change

G was so tired after the flight. He pretty much chilled while we got our bags and got to the car. Then he passed the F out in the carseat that was brought for us by B’s parents when they picked us up (this is clutch if you can make that happen). I was super worried about the time difference. G is on one nap now and I was pretty sure that I was screwed. I pictured that kid up every night hoching me left and right. I was totally wrong.

He adjusted immediately….like some sort of time zone genius. I’m told kids adjust easier. We put him down at his normal nap time on the West Coast…so like 930pm east coast time and he was fine. We did have to wake him up in the morning but he went down that day at his West Coast nap time and all was fine. That is until like day 3 when I think it all caught up with him. Of course this was “see all of our friends everywhere who we never see day and meet G for the first time and yeah he’s being a complete terror” day. But whatever. He was fine after that. The time adjustment coming back home was just as easy. So I wouldn’t really worry too much about that.

 

As a post note: Flying while pregnant. This was actually ok for me. My nausea is FINALLY peacing out. Having a breakfast with protein seemed to help me. I peed right before the flight so I wasn’t getting up a million times. I did almost vom on the landing, but I held it in.

And there you have it friends. Did I miss anything? Feel free to post questions in the comments. I’m sure many of you have way more tips than I do, but I’m happy to share from my own experience.

With that being said, it wasn’t that bad. But I will not have it in me to do it again for another 17 months. And I need a GD vacation to recover from the vacation.

Next post will detail all the shit I bought. G describes it as “overboard”. I describe it as shutthehellupbecausewegotthroughtheflightbecauseofmyshit.

Happy Travels,

MODG

 

 

 

Today I’m going to talk about something that I have feared since I was pregnant with G. It was…

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Awesome things, babies, hippie stuff, how-to, Mom Stuff, Stuff I like

Do the dance. Do the diaper dance. I’VE GOT FANCY PANTS.

February 16, 2012

You only get to sing that part of the song if your kid is in cloth diapers. Since I KNOW you want to sing that part, I’m going to teach you everything I know.

Just about cloth. Not about life. That’s for my book.

How do you catch and release your baby’s pee and poop? This is apparently a very interesting topic to talk about.

This actually happened to me once.

No I’m lying.

No I’m not.

Many of you have asked me for an update on the cloth diapering. If you missed the first post on my pending saint-hood, please read here and come on back.

So here we are, a year into cloth diapering. I’m going to give you some genius tips that I’ve learned in this year of the hippie butt. I’m also going to tell you why in fact it doesn’t take a saint to do this and you can catch and release too. I’ll even certify you.

We use bumGenius One-Size pocket 4.0. When I did my research, BumGenius had the highest ratings for durability and non pee all over my shirt-ness. 2 important qualities. A billion washes later, they are still in perfect condition. Literally look like new. The other type you can get is the AIO (Bumgenius All in One…clothies are big on acronyms. It’s to make you feel dumb). This just means that instead of inserting an absorbing terrycloth thing into a pocket to absorb pee and poop, it’s all in one diaper. We picked the pocket kind because you can add inserts at night, you can use different types of insert and you can trash them if they get gross.

Now I’m going to tell you about the stuff I learned that will help you:

Acquiring them:

We have 20 and were using 10 a day when he was little. Now we use about 5 a day. You can get them on ebay or craigslist. No it’s not gross. You can literally sterilize them. Also it’s babies, not meth addicts. My diapers are in primo conditioned and we’ve washed them almost every other day for a year. They are expensive, this saves money.

**DO NOT BUY THE VELCRO KIND EVER EVER IN YOUR LIFE EVER.***

There are people out there whose only job it is to switch from velcro to snaps. This is because velcro is stupid. It doesn’t last forever. Snaps do. It’s science really. I had to convert 5 of mine.

I have a friend that switched to cloth when her baby was 15 months to save money. You can switch over any time. It’s never too late.

 

Cleaning them:

Charlie’s Soap is the best. Use it actually for all of your clothes. It’s gentle but will kill dirt and crap with a sledge hammer. I love this stuff. B thinks I buy it from some man named Uncle Charlie off of his porch in Alabama. B is a fool. You need a soap like this to make your diapers last.

When you are ready to wash them, do a speed cycle on cold and then a cycle on hot with an extra rinse. Throw in the dryer (it says don’t but I say do. You don’t have all GD day) and you’re done.

Bleach those bitches once a month.

Once in a blue moon you need to put like 4 tiny teeny drops of dawn dish soap in. This strips the diapers and yes it’s totally as sexy as it sounds. It helps with absorption.

Extra stuff:

Dudes. I WISH I knew about this during the breastmilk poop days. GET FLUSHABLE LINERS. It literally looks like big toiler paper. Line the diaper and when they take a massive peanut butter crap, peel off the liner and flush. SO EASY AND BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

We do have the Diaper Sprayer that hooks to your toilet and barely use it. Now that he eats solids, the poops just fall into the toilet. I love a good solid poop.

Eventually G got to the point where he was peeing a lot at night and the diapers weren’t doing the job. TRUST when I tell you that I was not waking me or him up to change his diaper. Then we got hemp inserts and problem solved. They are just super absorbable and wash the same way everything else does. We have 3.

I have to tell you that sadly, your run of the  mill diaper bag will not cut it with clothies. You should have 2 with you at all times and a wet bag (washable waterproof bag to hold the dirty ones.). With all that shit (literally) you don’t have room for drink, snacks, toys, pacifiers, change of clothes, etc. Even my fancy bag that I bragged about isn’t big enough. Get the biggest GD tote bag you can find and rock it.

 

And that’s it my friends. It’s honestly so easy I can’t believe everyone doesn’t do it. We always keep a pack of disposables on hand in case I get lazy with the wash or just in case I need him to wear skinny jeans (need). But I really really believe that anyone can do this. Not just saints and hippies. I’m going to be way honest here, sometimes I’m too lazy to recycle. But I’m not too lazy to cloth diaper.

There’s a cost upfront but a big savings in the long run.

Ask your questions and I’ll answer every damn one of them. Because I love you and the baby penguins. Also, you are now certified in cloth diapering. Here is your certificate:

I just really wanted to use a picture of that weird baby again.

________________________

Coming up in MODG

-My hunt for the perfect white T shirt. From low end to high end. I’ve found fashion gold.

-Did you know G speaks sign language? He tells me to F off. I’ll tell you how we did it.

-My interview with a robot. Well, she makes robots. Well she works for people who do. SECRET ROBOTS.

 

xoxo

MODG

You only get to sing that part of the song if your kid is in cloth diapers. Since I…

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Awesome things, Eating Innapropriately, how-to, Stuff I like

You don’t even need to buy Tracy Anderson’s Cardio Dance DVD. Just watch mine. MIRROR IMAGE.

January 11, 2012

I will tell you that I currently need adult assistance to do things like sit onto the toilet, picking up a tissue and thinking about math. All of those things hurt. The soreness that is radiating through my body seems disproportionate to the workouts that I actually did. This is how I know I had moved into sloth territory.

And today is day 3 of project: ltbwbcihaoyoaisostshbwafcal2mpataosmtichiwams. (that’s the abbreviation…see previous post).

Day 1 was 30 day shred

Day 2 was Tracy Anderson Post Preg workout

Day 3 was Tracy Anderson Dance Cardio

Tracy Anderson is a small, strange little lady. I had one of her older videos and always gave her side eye when she told me to pick up my 3lb weights and *nothing* heavier. I quickly remembered that skepticism as G was throwing my weights around with the rest of his toys. However, T.A. proved me wrong. I was immediately dying during and after day 2. It was the hardest ab workout of my life. I wish I had that Post-Pregnancy Workout DVD pre preg. It’s cuhrazzy and I love it.

But that’s not why we’re here today. We’re here to talk about day 3. An epic day.

We’re talking about The DANCE dvd. Here’s what I’m going to say about that. My last real memory of “dancing” was either at Pi Kapp circa 2001 in a beer flooded basement OR Eric Neis’s The Grind Workout on VHS (which I WISH I still had and I can’t believe they still sell). I was never a terrible dancer, but the whole choreography thing always has me all ADD staring out the window thinking about my next outfit. My brain just doesn’t remember body movement. So clearly I was made for the workout.

Tracy starts the video by walking you through all of the choreography segments. The tricky part is that she doesn’t tell you how many there are. So you learn 2 and you’re like. YES I’M A GENIUS AT DANCE. Then she’s like “ok segment 3” and you’re like oh balls. But then there is segment 4 AND THEN FIVE. And that’s when I was like, oh no. I’m done. My brain just shut down on me. I pleasantly watched segment 5 from the couch and I honestly could not tell you if there is a 6, 7, or 32.

Learning the moves was hard. But it wasn’t like Britney Slave for You hard. She clearly dumbed it down for us but as you’ll see, it wasn’t dumb enough. However, I’m confident that in a few weeks Tracy will be my own tiny slave.

But the most important part? It was fun. Like totally fun. It’s basically just jumping up and down a million times in different directions, flailing you arms to and fro. But it’s way more fun than a treadmill or a rope. And I feel like if I did just use a rope it would end up around my neck. Anyway, it was hard, I was sweating and it was fun. That’s a pretty good workout.

In terms of my diet thus far. I’m not really dieting. When I get hungry at random times of the day, I try to eat nuts instead of gummy penguins. But then I’m like, I can’t *waste* the gummy penguins. They need to fulfill their gummy destiny. So I should just eat them all so they will be gone and then I can really be healthy. And then there was the peanut brittle destiny and the caramel destiny. BUT NOW WE’RE ALL SET.

And now the moment you have been waiting for. Feel free to call the people at So You Think You Can Dance. BECAUSE I DO. And as you will see, I am amazing.

 

If you’re in on The Project with me, give me your update and how you’re doing so far. I want the good and the bad. Also I encourage you all to tape yourself dancing. You probably will stop dancing. And others will thank you.

xoxo

THE DANCE.

I will tell you that I currently need adult assistance to do things like sit onto the toilet, picking…

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