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Halloween

Awesome things, babies, Eating Innapropriately, Halloween, hippie stuff, Preg Stuff, Sharing, Stuff I like

You’re invited to my last pregnant moments in a dress. I photoshopped out my nipples. You’re welcome.

October 7, 2012

Yesterday was the last warm day in Philadelphia for a long long time. I consider this the sun setting on my freedom. However yesterday was happy for another reason because IT WAS THE DAY OF MAH SPRANKLE.

 

 

Yes you are correct. You see glitter pumpkins and candy. I could have died in a corner covered in crumbs and been happy. But I know you do not give 7 shits about my cupcakes. You want to see what I wore. Because I only made the biggest deal about it since that stupid Kardashian shoe club.

That is me. In the grass. In my slutty preg outfit. Complete with outie belly button and nipples photshopped out. My body looks like the face of a surprised asian girl. And you can’t see the shoes but they are leopard flats. To be fair to fashion, I started the day out in black leather ankle booties. That lasted 30 seconds. Literally. I came in and threw on those flats right away.

In terms of my rental dresses, I ended up returning the blue and the red and keeping the gray and the green. Which one got the final rose, was a last minute call. But I’m happy with my choice. I liked that my boobs weren’t in everyone’s face. And I’m proud of that gigando bump. Although I was asked if I was having twins. I chose not to choke her though.

The jewelry was a tough call. I rented a bunch from Rent the Runway with mah points. I wore none of it. Instead I got this gem from Bauble Bar. Their jewelry is cute and not expensive. Although it’s not ALL like super Kate Middleton quality. It’s more like Nicki Minaj quality. Which I’m ok with.

The sprinkle itself was great. We kept it really small and only invited people who I really wanted to be there. Also I have 7 friends total. So that idea worked out great. But my favorite part of the shower was my regular strength friends colliding with my hippie friends. I’ll show you some of the differences.

 

Non hippie gift.

Handmade hippie gifts.

Yes, I cried. 30 times. The hippies also gave me more cloth diapers and handmade jewelry with Yoshe’s birthstone and a card detailing the  magical powers that the stones will give us. Everyone was really jealous that they didn’t have hippie friends of their own.

We also painted onesies.

Non hippie onesie.

 

Hippie onesie.

 

Really, I can’t lose.

And now some more pictures just because I’ll never look like this again. EVER. Note to shower attendees: pictures here were chosen solely based on how good I looked in them.

 

Scrubs for G! Do you die? Get them here

And yes, this also made me cry. Because of the matching onesie that says “You make me happy when skies are gray”. (secret: B cried too when he saw it). Get it here

And that’s it friends. My last “thing”  until Yoshe shows her face in my lady parts. The countdown is on. We are at 5 weeks as of today. Thanks for virtually attending mah sprankle. Your presence did not go unnoticed.

xoxo

massive modg

this also happened.

meow.

Yesterday was the last warm day in Philadelphia for a long long time. I consider this the sun setting…

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Awesome things, B, Halloween, Mom Stuff

Halloween was 3% successful. I owe that to the smart readers.

November 1, 2011

Me: B, I want G to be an alien for Halloween

B: Ok whatever

Me: And then we can be men in black.

B: OH COOL I’LL BE WILL SMITH AND YOU CAN BE THE OTHER GUY AND WE’LL HAVE LASERS AND THINGS AND ALSO THA…

Me: Woah. Slow your roll homes. I’m talking REAL men in black. Like the originals.

B: OH COOL SO LIKE MEN IN BLACK PART ONE AWESOME WE’LL GET THE STUFF AND THE THI…

Me: NO NO NO. Like actual men in black that threaten people who “know too much”. Don’t you watch ANY alien documentaries?

B: But But Bu…

Me: And further more, I was busy every 4th of July in the 90’s and therefor have never seen Men in Black 1, 2, 3 or that one with the White House.

B: mumbles wellitwasprettycool mumble mumble mumble

And so our Halloween costumes were born. And of course there are no baby Alien costumes on the internet that aren’t related to a Pixar movie. No thank you Pixar, I’ll take Sleeping Beauty circa 198whatever.

And in the following pictures you will see that every.single.one the boy has some food in his mouth. We’re talking his first fruit roll up. All to get the damn hat on and stay on.

I believe that the fact that my “career wear” in my closet is now my halloween costume, makes quite the statement about my life.

Although let’s be clear, I was not a tie lesbian at work. I think.

 

And you my friends,  have earned your rights as readers to continue reading the nonsense that I write for teaching me how to get this child to wear a hat.

Bribery and distraction.

But then the alien won this round. And was now just some sort of 1950’s evil space leader. Things got ugly from here on out

We made it to one house. ONE. But we’ll keep that secret between you and I.

Because cost of costume per house is math that I don’t need in my life. AND NEITHER DO YOU B.

Next I’ll be contacting MUFON.

Thank you,

MODG and team.

 

Me: B, I want G to be an alien for Halloween B: Ok whatever Me: And then we can…

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babies, Halloween, I love cats and if you don't you can bite me., Mom Stuff, Not Pleased

It’s a Halloween emergency. My child CAN NOT reject Halloween.

October 31, 2011

The same people who told me that my insane newborn was a “high needs baby” are now telling me that I have a “strong willed child”. Let’s just call a taco a taco. My child is his mom. Stubborn and defiant. Now I know, he’s only 11 months old. He’s not out to get me. Unless he’s a super genius and totally out to get me. No, he’s not. Probably.

Within the past 2 months, G has totally become a person. He does tricks. Not that my baby is a dog. He’s not. But he does do stuff on command. Although he’s probably going to slice me if I has him one more time how big is Gavin. But when he puts his hands way in the air with a big smile, I die. And I just want to see it over and over. And when you ask him to give you a kiss, he sticks his tongue out like some weird french sort of kiss. But it’s still ADORABLE. And I want to see those tricks over and over. But what has come with learning to do stuff, is learning not to do stuff.

We have very specific things that are hated by our strong willed child. We hate safety and warmth via hats and sleeves and we hate anything clean. This poses numerous problems. We have baby proofed the SHIT out of our house. I’m talking tv up on the wall, fireplace enclosed in protective glass proofed. This shit was not cheap. But 11 months old don’t know no. OR, they totally know no and thinks it’s hilarious.

Here’s how it started. G has always been a great eater. He eats anything we give him and then eats more. But lately he stares deeply into our eyes as we present him his favorite meatballs, picks it up without losing eye contact, slowly stretches his arm to the side and just opens his fist, as it drops to the floor, waiting for our reaction, stone cold glare.


He waits.

Here are the reactions I’ve tried

No G. Mommy worked hard to make you that reheated broccoli from dinner 3 nights ago.

NO G. YOU DO NOT THROW FOOD ON THE FLOOR THAT IS FOR TERRIBLE BABIES AND YOU ARE A JOY

Let’s keep our food on our try and in our mouths because that’s for winners!

(ignore ignore ignore)

And then B laughs and G wins the game.

This game of how can I get a reaction has transcended to climbing into the fireplace and now banging on the glass that was purchased to prevent climbing into the fireplace, chewing on cords of death, smacking our hands into our diaper poop and bucking straight out of our stroller and carseat.

When I talk to people about this they are all, oh he’s young for this sort of thing. GREAT. What does that mean for our future?

I can not be the mom in the store screaming at my child to stop punching strangers and no the box of tampons is not a box of rockets.

And now for the reason behind this post. It’s halloween. THE BEST HOLIDAY OF THEM ALL. And I may have had G’s costume made like 4 months ago. And I probably didn’t know that my child will fully believe that hats are in fact out to kill his head. And the whole essence of the costume is the hat. AND AND AND do you know how many damn baby costumes are in my facebook feed right now? Oooh your lion baby is so cute. Oooh your pumpkin baby is so cute. OOOH your Teresa Guidice baby is so cute.

I NEED TO PARTICIPATE. I mean G does. Whatever.

It’s do or die people. WE MUST get the hat on G. Trust me, you want to see this.

Help.

And also help me not have to mop my floor 4 times a day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN PAGANS.

xoxo

MODG

The same people who told me that my insane newborn was a “high needs baby” are now telling me…

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Halloween, pregnant stuff

Witch does rhyme with bitch which rhymes with 2moremonthsgoodgod…

November 1, 2010

Hey kids. Halloween isn’t just about candy and monsters and blood. It’s also about awareness and sex talk.

Abstinence is the only true way to prevent witch pregnancy. Yeah I’m a witch. What you couldn’t tell?

B told me to put on a witch hat but I declined because that isn’t fashiony. My sparkle necklace and cocktail rings however, were. Kids were scared. I know it.

PS Let’s all just acknowledge my monstrous boobs and move on with our day. Thanks.

Halloween hearts and murder,

MODG

Hey kids. Halloween isn’t just about candy and monsters and blood. It’s also about awareness and sex talk. Abstinence…

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B, Halloween

B, Err day should be your birthday. So stop being creepy and spooky about it.

October 27, 2010

oooooh OOOOH boooooo (those are ghost sounds)
Helloooo friends. It’s the spoooookiest time of the year. oooh OOOH. (not sex sounds). So turn on your night lights, hold your mom’s hand and pee your pants because…..

The spookiest time of year is B’S BIRTHDAY WHICH IS TODAY!

B is 31 years old today. And every year B’s birthday is filled with mystery, suspense and spooks and sometimes murder feelings. It goes like this:

Me: B, your birthday is coming up!
B: oh my birthday is dumb we don’t have to make a big deal about it.
Me: DID YOU HEAR ME SAY BIRTHDAY AND PRESENTS AND CAKES AND GLITTER?
B: Yes, let’s just ignore it this year.
Me: Here is what’s happening right now. You’re saying “Amanda I’m going to make this very hard on you by giving you no indication of things I like or want ever. So good luck and I hate you”
B: rolls eyes and turns on ESPN

And I am left in the areyouafraidofthedark as to what to do for B’s birthday. AGAIN.

One year I threw him a surprise party and he basically cried in the corner over getting attention. Dumb. Attention is like crack to me. B apparently isn’t into crack. Doubledumb.

Another year I got him a nice leather laptop bag, which he wanted. And then returned. 3 times.

Sometimes I get him clothes. Then he says, “flat front pants? But everyone at work wears pleated pants”. After I clean up the vomit from my mouth, I remind him that he works with all overweight 60 year olds.

Last year we went on a trip to Charleston, SC. Now he says that was too much money and dumb. Way to cherish the memories B.

So here we are again. Faced with the spooookiest most mysterious day of the year. B’s birthday. What will I do? And how fast will he return it?

I will inform you all of B’s gift tomorrow and report back on my spooky findings. I definitely read a Christopher Pike book that started like this circa 1990. I think it ended with a witch who made out with a wolf.

Feel free to wish B a happy birthday. He always reads your comments and then pretends like he didn’t later on.

So B, don’t be shy about your birthday and let’s make it less dark and mysterious next year. You should enjoy it and embrace it like Flo Rida does. Err day should be your special day. He even gets emotional about it. Which I totally get.

Err Day I Wanna Stunt
Err Day I Want Sum Candles
Err Day A Hundred Bucks
Err Day I Pull Up In Lambo, Filet Mignon For Lunch
Where My Birthday
U Got My Birthday
When My Birthday
U Better Day My Birthday
I Get Emotional
That’s Wat C Notes Will Do

Err Day B. Err day.

Just saying.
Love you B,

Amanda

oooooh OOOOH boooooo (those are ghost sounds) Helloooo friends. It’s the spoooookiest time of the year. oooh OOOH. (not…

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Drunk Stuff, Halloween, Psychic stuff

Memorial Day is scarier than Halloween. In a ghost and terror kind of way.

June 1, 2010
Welcome back to hell everyone!
Sometimes I’m like, don’t even give me that extra day because it makes coming back that much worse. Like you’re going to throw the awesomeness of weekday freedom in my face for 24 hours and then expect me to be cool with just letting it slip through my fingers like that time my dvr just forgot to record Vampire Diaries? Hell.

 

Let’s focus on what Memorial Day is really about though. Ghosts.  So in celebration and respect, I watched 40 billion tv shows about ghosts.

disregard. I didn't watch porn this weekend.

I sat in the dark, in the AC with Willy and learned as much as I could about the paranormal… again. Again because I already watched most of the shows once before, so it was like a refresher course. I feel like I was doing my civic duty to our fallen soldiers by trying to figure out if any are stuck in a time space warp in my basement. B says he checked. But he also rolls his eyes when he says that. He could be on their side so I can’t trust him.

That’s the thing with ghosts…They are ultra fascinating and educational but if you ever were like, hey Amanda let’s go to that old house and bring a sacrificial lamb and a Ouija board and charms and spells and have a sleepover. I would give you the, you’re a fool’s fool look and run to church. Ok definitely not church, but probably McDonald’s….no Taco Bell. The bell makes it more holy like and I totally worship their soft taco.

I think I’m so scared because psychics have told me that I am also kind of psychic, which I totally already knew. Like how I always know when B had farted in a room and then walked away. So I know that ghosts are just waiting for me to be open enough for them to communicate. Which I don’t want. I would not handle it well and make B sell our house. And then the ghost would follow me to the next house and then I’d have a demon and then it would take over my body and then it would kill B through my body and then I’d be a murderer.

So I can’t watch ghost shows anymore. I don’t want to commit murder.

Happy Hell Day back everyone. I hope you spent the weekend respecting ghosts.

Respect.

Welcome back to hell everyone! Sometimes I’m like, don’t even give me that extra day because it makes coming…

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Awesome things, B, Drunk Stuff, Halloween, I heart TV

The Halloween Reveal.

November 2, 2009

I’ll admit, I have the post Halloween sads. I also have the post Halloween iatetoomanyfunsizecandy fats. Halloween is so magical and fun for children and sluts alike, that it’s difficult to let it go and move onto less important holidays like Christmas. But I’m guessing, if you’re visiting my little blog I call home, you’re interested to see what my genius brain came up with for Halloween this year. This is special since I normally don’t post my face on this blog and I have special permission from S and B to post them as well in honor of the wonder of Halloween. So let’s get on with the show.

I’d like to first though, bring everyone back to a special post on this blog that was the inspiration for this costume here
Remember these little Grand Supreme winners?
And how about their vision of beauty moms?
What better way to express my new love for the south, my never realized dream of being in a high glitz pageant and my future aspiration to let myself go and put all of my money and efforts into a doll baby? Announcing your new GRAND SUPREME winners!!!
Miss Macy Rae Reagan and Miss Laurel Mae Reagan. This year’s fiercest competitors and previous 5 time grand supreme winners. They owe all of their success to the dedication of their beautiful mother….
Momma teaches us all our routines and how to flirt with the judges and smile real big like so it even hurts our faces. This is us practicing our oopsie face!
Mamma’s pin says “My baby is the total package”!
Now many of you out there may be asking, “Where did you find such beautiful costumes in adult sizes as I would also like one for myself in everyday life…”
Great question friend.
Please take a look at these images from ebay seller Valo3456
yes, you’re looking at 2 beauties that come in ADULT SIZES. I even emailed the seller to be sure it wasn’t a mistake.
Dear Creepy Ebay Seller,
You’re telling me that these baby outfits that are weird even for a kid to wear come in adult sizes?? Do you swear this is not a trick?
Love
Amanda
No response. So I bit the bullet and ordered and S ordered and we ended up with those costumes which you see in our pictures. I’ll be posting more on the MODG facebook page and possibly a video of us practicing our outfit of choice dance. I’ll leave you all with this. Hope your halloween was as magical as mine.

I’ll admit, I have the post Halloween sads. I also have the post Halloween iatetoomanyfunsizecandy fats. Halloween is so…

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Confession Fridays, Drunk Stuff, Halloween

Confession Friday: Spooks and Scares in Your Face.

October 30, 2009

Despite previous post, I’m going to keep my sparkle chin up and enjoy my favorite holiday the best I can. S is coming so I’m excited about that. Check in Monday because I will be posting pictures of our costumes. As you all know pictures of real life and my face and things are not the norm around these parts. Mostly because I’m a beast and I just don’t love you enough.
Spooky Confession Friday!!



L: in my old apartment I was awoken, I would say about 75 times or so in the two years I lived there, to my bed shaking profusely. Nothing else in my room would be shaking, and it was shaking so crazy that it would wake my sleeping ass up. Then, I would lay in bed, holding myself completely still, and wait until the shaking bed episode stopped. This could take up to ten minutes at times. Eventually I tried yelling “STOP” during a shaking incident and lo and behold, the damn bed just stopped shaking. This I would say, was even scarier than the random bed shaking. Amanda tells me that my old room was where Edward Drinker Cope died an agonizing death. (my building is actually on his Wiki page!)
S: I peed at Dewey Beach on the rooftop of a bar and it trickled down in between the steps on people’s heads. The cops came. They gave me a citation and I DENIED DENIED DENIED that I would EVER pee on a roof top. Are htey crazy? Do they think I AM crazy? And then I cried. And then Ben Chando walked me to get pizza and it was all better…with a public urination citation in-tow. (MODG note: Not spooky S but funny)
J: One year for Halloween I dressed up as a teenage mutant ninja turtle. After much consumption and going home with an anonymous I had to do my walk of shame. Being as all I had to dress myself with was green spandex, a huge shell, and various ninja apparel I decided I would go home the quickest and what I believed to be most inconspicuous way home- through a small park. As I’m trekking through a small pond wiping the green smudge face paint out of my eyes I look up to see a super cute family having a picnic in the park. The children scream as they see a giant turtle emerging from the banks of the stream, the parents worried and confused, people walking their dogs, jogging through the park gawk at me.
K: One year for Halloween my sorority sisters and I had the awesome idea to be flashers. I decided to wear a thin small nude colored tank top, little lace boyshorts (because who is really going to be seeing under my trench coat for that long?) and a huge trench coat. We head down to bourbon street and begin to consume huge quantities of hurricanes and hand grenade drinks (If you’ve ever been down to New Orleans, then you know what I am talking about- 8 shots of grain liquor in 1 beverage) Drunkenly I start to hit on my friend Chuck, screaming at him because he isn’t interested in me, “Chuck, why won’t you f*ck me Chuck, why won’t you f*ck me?!?!”. Chuck and all my other friends run away, leaving me by myself, I manage to lose my trench coat, wandering down bourbon more naked than the strippers, an officer stops me for indecent exposure and drives me back to campus in his cop car. I end up spending the night sleeping on a bench in the quad and am woken up in the morning by a group of prospective students touring the campus.
Box: when i was younger, well maybe 13 my gf and I went trick or treating and she was dressed as a business man(MODG note: ???) with a briefcase and cigar and fake mustache etc. Natually, it was dark and we were walking on the sidewalk and in the grass through our neighborhood and my gf dropped her cigar and she bent down to pick it up and picked up a LONG NASTY piece of dog shit and went to put it in her mouth thinking that was the cigar. Needless to say, she hates Halloween an ran all the way home crying.
Confession All Star, Brakes and Gas: When giving birth at first glance in the mirror I experianced a panic unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. There was this tiny hole with this gigantic brown mound trying to come out. As the nurses told me to push, and I shoved with all my might, and the hole only became marginally larger, I cried to my husband that I couldn’t do it: “I have small crevices!” reverberated down the hall. I pointed to the hole as evidence of my small crevices and a knowing smile appeared on Brake’s face. He gently pointed about 2 inches higher in the mirror where there was another hole… in which a hairy head was beginning to emerge. That’s right folks, in my daughter’s first moments of life, I mistook her for the turd trying to escape my butthole. Mother of the year over here. Oh, and BTW, my kid looks nothing like a poop. Just wanted to clarify. (MODG note* This confession didn’t even come out of a confession Friday, it was a regular comment!)

Me: Even though I kvetch about all the slutty girls in their slutty halloween costumes, sometimes when I’m at a party I am jealous of the attention they are getting while I am in a box or wearing a bag on my head. What I’m still a girl?

CONFESS YOUR SINS OR BE SACRIFICED TO THE HALLOWEEN GODS. (you don’t want that)

Despite previous post, I’m going to keep my sparkle chin up and enjoy my favorite holiday the best I…

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Drunk Stuff, Halloween, Suri Cruise

Moments with Suri.

October 27, 2009

Hmmm. Halloween is approaching soon. One thing is for GD sure, I’ll be wearing these F-ing heels. Katie, remove your hand from my shoulder and fetch me a quality costume for which to display my sparkle louboutins. If you F this up, you will pay. I am not playing.
I warned you Katie. Finally, someone who knows what they’re doing around here. Figures I’d have to hire my own security detail to handle Katie and Tom. They are useless people. Thanks big John for the costume. Now let’s move it along I have places to be and sparkle heels to wear.

Hmmm. Halloween is approaching soon. One thing is for GD sure, I’ll be wearing these F-ing heels. Katie, remove…

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B, Drunk Stuff, Halloween, Not Pleased, Sharing, Stories

Never Again. Swears.

October 18, 2009

It’s 8:34pm and I’m in my living watching a baseball game going on 24 hours of awake time. If you know me, you know that I have either been drugged and captured or I’m too scared to be alone in my bedroom. If you chose B, you are the interweb smarts winner of the day.

Backing up. So you know how you get hammered after that fishbowl of vodka punch sugar juice totally marketed to 18 year olds, and the next day SWEAR you’ll never drink again as you use the toilet seat as a pillow, then do it all over again the next weekend anyway? You just forget the pain. I think childbirth is a similar situation. Well this is me, except with scary movies.

Me: B, let’s see Paranormal Activity. I heard it’s so good and scary
B: You told me not to let you see scary movies
Me: No I was just kidding.
**see movie**
Me: (crying) Why did you let me see that? I am terrified and disturbed
B: (rolls eyes)

For those of you unaware, Paranormal Activity is not real, but your brain thinks it is. My brain is used to reality tv so it thinks that everything is reality tv. When I see a hand held camera, people under 30 and a house, I instantly think Real World 76 even though I should know better. More than once I screamed out loud during this film. And this did not include my exclamation of “you are disgusting.” to the gentleman behind me loudly snorting back his mucus from his nose into his throat over and over. (this is true). Moving on.

I promise you friends, this movie scared the pee out of me. And if that wasn’t bad enough with about 10 minutes left of the movie, the movie stopped. Just stopped. Silence. Then with a woosh, the lights instantly turn on. Now, I’m no Dawson on the creek (he was a film maker remember? Ok stretch), but I’m pretty sure most movies are digital these days and don’t just stop. Also the 45 lights in the large theater don’t just turn on. You want to see a group of scared 20 somethings in a situation that doesn’t involve the cops or prescription drugs? This was the place to see it. We all legitimately thought, the demon had traveled through the screen into our theater and was about to eat our brains and our popcorn ( I still think this and I’m convinced the demon followed me home).

The movie people *fixed* the problem, we finished the rest of the movie and I honestly wish we hadn’t. After what I saw on that screen, I did not sleep. I didn’t eat and I am functioning at about 30% spunk. The lady at Plato’s Closet tried to tell me I bagged my clothes wrong with an attitude and I couldn’t even think of a rude one liner to throw in her dirty 2nd hand face. This is a problem friends. I am weak.

One upside to this situation. With every problem B has with me, I blame it on the demon.

B: You were kicking me last night in your sleep
Me: It was the demon

B: Stop spending money
Me: I can’t it’s the demon

B: Can you grab me a glass of water
Me: Ask the demon.

So here I am. Night 2 post demon movie and I’m stuck on this couch in front of this baseball game because I can not be in my bedroom alone. I hope this tapers off and I get my braves back. If not I’ll be putting the exorcist on speed dial. I’m currently accepting referrals.

PS. Remember that analogy about the fishbowl of vodka and swearing to never drink again? That was my Friday.
And this was my weekend.

Distracting the demon with Britney. Obviously.

It’s 8:34pm and I’m in my living watching a baseball game going on 24 hours of awake time. If…

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Drunk Stuff, Halloween, Sharing

My latest ebay purchase.

September 24, 2009

Glamorous Pet Wig.

Reasons why this is weird:
I don’t have a dog.
I don’t have my own Halloween costume yet.
I bought 1 instead of 2.

Reasons why this is not weird:
It’s a glamorous pet wig.

Glamorous Pet Wig. Reasons why this is weird: I don’t have a dog. I don’t have my own Halloween…

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Drunk Stuff, Halloween, Sorostitute Days

Get yourself to American Apparel for your lame leotard

September 9, 2009

Today is 9/9/9. That is kind of like 666 upside down, which is definitely devil stuff and that reminds me that it is 51 days (including this gem of a day) until Halloween. For those of you unaware, in the MODG household, this is major crunch time.

Who’s excited for Halloween? This girl.
This holiday is no joke. I have signed petitions every year to make this a federal holiday, I have researched costumes for a good 6 months prior, building on my 3 year in advance costume list and usually crash dieted to fit into either A) red skinny jeans B) a leotard or C) a leotard. Leotards are a big part of this holiday. L and S are co-presidents of the ihearthalloween committee. And I’m SLOWLY getting B more excited about Halloween. He at least knows not to plan anything within a 3 week period before the big day now. So today, let’s reflect on past Halloweens and discuss the upcoming holy day.
Major Disclaimer** I do not support the exploitation of Halloween as a way for girls to express their inner hooker. Ever since Penn State circa 2000 when Cindy Song was kidnapped on Halloween dressed as a “rabbit” (police code for playboy bunny) I vowed to not take part in the fill in the blank Halloween any more (slutty________)…fill that in with any occupation you’d like.
Being in a sorority I’ve seen it all Slutty…
Policeman, Fireman, Doctor, Teacher…but also
Slutty Home Depot worker (not kidding), Slutty Politician, Slutty Garbage Man and Slutty Pizza Delivery man.
The funny part was that the girls would wrangle about 20 of their friends to wear the same costume. Kind of like saying, “I’m a hooker, but look! I’m not the only one!”

These sailors would like you to dock in their port. Did you get that?

Like I really do not get it. Halloween is like being drunk. Your true self really comes out. Does this mean 98% of women are really Russian Hookers? Are you really dying to wear the white thigh highs out in public that bad?

What IS this? Like I don’t even know what half of these things are. The girl in blue says “best babe” and I think the girl in brown is a cookie?
Now I will admit, during a transitional Halloween period, my friends and I were shots of alcohol for Halloween. I was a “Dirty Girlscout” Before you give me the slut protest, hold your spit. I was a girlscout, yes. But I covered myself in dirt. Real life brown dirt. I recommend that to all of you.
So this year is QUICKLY approaching and L and I have made a last minute switch up to the costumes. I will tell you that it is related to 1 particular blog post from MODG history. B and I will be dressing up together and I expect a bit of controversy out of it. Any guesses? No it’s not me in a towel covered in poop.
And in big news, I will be posting the first actual picture of B and I on the blog after Halloween. I am roughly 290lbs with facial hair in real life. Feel free to get your printscreen button ready.
Please share your guesses for our costume and any ideas you have for yours. I am always excited by Halloween Creativity.

Today is 9/9/9. That is kind of like 666 upside down, which is definitely devil stuff and that reminds…

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B, Drunk Stuff, Halloween, Not Pleased, Sharing

Football. No thank you.

August 14, 2009

Not buying it Jess…
I will say something that will make me remarkably even more unpopular with 99% of men (if they are still here after the gassy post).
I hate football season. I loathe it in fact. If it were not for Halloween, I would genetically alter my genome to hibernate for the season (I can do that).
I get that it’s not “cool” of me to hate football. I get that I’m not that girl that (fake) loooves sports and is soooo sporty, and wears her little pink jersey that should be green, and can chug a beer with the guys at the big touchdown (is that a thing?). No, this is not me. I am the girl who stares at the tv when the sports shows are on, and my vision glazes over until all I see are small leggo men scrambling around the screen like ants on cake.
Guess what? These girls are not football fans. They are attention fans. And if anyone knows about attention, it’s me.
Now I think I’m a pretty smart girl (minus that whole can’t figure out a pregnancy test result). But for the life of me, I cannot understand the game of football. Maybe it’s my brain blocking out harmful incoming knowledge, like that Oprah when the people blocked out past life experiences. No? Not the same?
Here’s the real kicker (sports pun), my husband and my best FEMALE friend are both, sports, MANIACS. When B and I first started dating, people who knew him well would find out I was a sports hatah and literally would stare as us blankly and ask what we would actually talk about. Now I should say, B and I met at a tailgate at Penn State. Yes I went to a “football school” and yes I did go to tailgates. What can I say, I was a drunk sorority girl. It was protocol. However, I could see how this action could be misleading to B and friends:
B’s thought “cool, a girl that loves football. Awesome”.
Me: “I’m so sneaky. Get me out of here”

Now my friend, S is a big basketball fan. She likes North Carolina. But I swear to this day, she only likes them because they were a really pretty color. It’s this blue color and it is nice, I must say.
So this time of year is approaching again. I will look forward to the fights with B about what to do with our Sunday (pro) AND Saturdays (college). They usually go like this:
A-What are we going to do this weekend?
B-Well there is an Eagles game on Saturday and then you know I’m booked for the PSU game.
A-So you’re watching tv shows this weekend?
B-They are not shows
A-Yes they are, this is reality tv and you’re obsessed and need help. I demand one free day, pick Saturday or Sunday
B-I’ll get back to you. *rolls eyes*
B never does get back to me and I end up at the mall. When we lived in the city I would walk down Walnut Street and shop all afternoon with L and it was lovely. These days in suburbia, things are different.
All I can do is say a prayer to the basement gods that we can afford to finish our basement within the next 3 years and I can at LEAST separate myself from the roaming tv leggos that induce screaming, drunken chanting and gassy residue from excessive wing consumption.
Sick.
So there you have it. I, Amanda, hate football and hate football season.
But if there was a reality tv show on Bravo called, Real Football Players of Philadelphia City, I would totally watch it.

Not buying it Jess… I will say something that will make me remarkably even more unpopular with 99% of…

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