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Eating Innapropriately

Drunk Stuff, Eating Innapropriately

The 6 foods that get me through a diet. Fine, one is booz. Whatever.

January 16, 2012

Now that I’m the winner of So You Think You Can Dance: Blog Edition, I’ll be holding dance class in my living room once every never. Stop by.

So here’s my update for everyone on The Project:

I’m working my way though my workout dvd collection. I’m taking the philosophy of P90x and ghetto-izing it. Their philosophy is do a different workout every day so your muscles get confused. Apparently you want confused muscles. I figure that I can do this on my own, wiht my own dvd collection because I’m a genius. Thanks to my addiction to buying workout dvd’s, this is very possible. So I’ve just been doing a new workout every day. Last week I took 2 days off because 1) I was busy and 2) I didn’t care. I have been on The Project for 8 days now and have not repeated a dvd yet. And I won’t for a while. I know. Look away and stop judging.

So no, I have not danced with the big T-Dog again yet. I forgot everything that I learned so I am no where near just putting on that bad boy and dancing for an hour. I do however want another dance dvd. They are so fun.

NO. WHAT AM I SAYING?

I just said how I haven’t even been through all of my workout dvd’s yet and I’m plotting my next purchase. What is wrong with me?

Results: I feel great and I think I’m definitely gaining muscle. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight yet but after the soreness of 30 beasts wore off, I felt like I could feel real muscles in my stomach and butt. That’s a golden prize. The other result is that I’m not bored. And get this: I actually look forward to my workout when I put G down for his nap in the morning. OH. That reminds me. For those of you who were like, “wow G let’s you workout? That’s so great”. PLEASE. That child doesn’t let me open the refrigerator, let alone do a whole freakin workout. It happens when he naps.

That was hard. Mentally, giving up part of his nap where I gloriously internet, or lay around, or watch dvr’d housewife wedding makeover haunted pageant psychic babies shows. But once I did it, it was cake. I was like, DUH I’m an asshole. I should have been doing this all along.

I think I’m doing well with this because my standards are low low low like sho’ty. For those of you who weren’t with me through the unspeakable times, I’ll remind you. I did a total elimination diet to figure out G’s allergies while breastfeeding for months. TOTAL ELIMINATION means you eliminate every possible allergen and add them back in slowly. That means so dairy, soy, wheat, citrus, caffeine, chocolate, tomato, sugar OR ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES REGULAR FOOD. So I’m not about deprivation any more. I’m about doing whatever you can and being happy with it.

That brings us to the food portion of The Project. We’ve taken out all of the shit in the house. And by taken out, I mean it exited through the toilet, via my butt. What? Too much? It’s true. I had a bon voyage party for the awesome foods in the pantry. Now we house nothing awesome. Well, not true. I have a few staples that I’ll share with you that help me through times like these:

This is a great chocolate sold at Trader Joe’s. Don’t eat the whole bar fatty. Just a piece or two. After dinner when I need something sweet, I’ll have a little section with my red wine. Then I shower so I don’t think about eating the rest covered with a cinnamon bun.

Around these parts we call this broccolate. Because it doesn’t taste like super amazing and it’s healthy in some totally not healthy way. But it’s good to know how many calories are going in. Again, have it with red wine and then shower.  Sort of like a cold shower for a 14 year old boy.

Aaaah Ak Mak. When B and I were dating and he was (in my mind) some California hippie, I always told him that he ate twigs and sticks and the like. This falls into that category. Prob more twig than stick. But it’s a relatively good cracker if you need some crunch in your life. Great with hummus or sunflower butter or almond butter (I like sun butter best).

Dude….Larabars are the BEST. I learned about these when I was gluten free. The ingredients are like 3. Dates, cashew and then a fruit like cherry or apple. THAT’S IT. G lives on these with me too. They are so awesome and taste like super heros.

Ok, these are a little bit of a bad thing. But if you don’t eat the whole damn tub at once, you’ll be cool. They are almonds, in dark chocolate WITH SEA SALT. Do you even know? Do you? Put salt on anything sweet and I’ll eat it….especially nuts….(I HANDED that one to you)

But nuts in general are a big go-to when I’m trying to be healthy. Any time I want to grab something to snack on,  I grab cashews or almonds or some other nut.

And no, I will not be giving up wine. It’s part 2 of my 3 part plan (little awesome food, wine, shower). If you follow my 3 part plan, you too can be super fancy skinny awesome.

 

And that’s where we are. In terms of videos, I’ll be shooting one creating some healthy dinner recipes. I’m not really a good cook. But I’ll show you my stuff.

Oh and to those of you who recommended Physique 57 to me….we are not friends. That bitch is CUHRAZZY and should not be rapping.

That is all.

How is everyone else doing?

WORD OUT

MODG

Now that I’m the winner of So You Think You Can Dance: Blog Edition, I’ll be holding dance class…

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Awesome things, Eating Innapropriately, how-to, Stuff I like

You don’t even need to buy Tracy Anderson’s Cardio Dance DVD. Just watch mine. MIRROR IMAGE.

January 11, 2012

I will tell you that I currently need adult assistance to do things like sit onto the toilet, picking up a tissue and thinking about math. All of those things hurt. The soreness that is radiating through my body seems disproportionate to the workouts that I actually did. This is how I know I had moved into sloth territory.

And today is day 3 of project: ltbwbcihaoyoaisostshbwafcal2mpataosmtichiwams. (that’s the abbreviation…see previous post).

Day 1 was 30 day shred

Day 2 was Tracy Anderson Post Preg workout

Day 3 was Tracy Anderson Dance Cardio

Tracy Anderson is a small, strange little lady. I had one of her older videos and always gave her side eye when she told me to pick up my 3lb weights and *nothing* heavier. I quickly remembered that skepticism as G was throwing my weights around with the rest of his toys. However, T.A. proved me wrong. I was immediately dying during and after day 2. It was the hardest ab workout of my life. I wish I had that Post-Pregnancy Workout DVD pre preg. It’s cuhrazzy and I love it.

But that’s not why we’re here today. We’re here to talk about day 3. An epic day.

We’re talking about The DANCE dvd. Here’s what I’m going to say about that. My last real memory of “dancing” was either at Pi Kapp circa 2001 in a beer flooded basement OR Eric Neis’s The Grind Workout on VHS (which I WISH I still had and I can’t believe they still sell). I was never a terrible dancer, but the whole choreography thing always has me all ADD staring out the window thinking about my next outfit. My brain just doesn’t remember body movement. So clearly I was made for the workout.

Tracy starts the video by walking you through all of the choreography segments. The tricky part is that she doesn’t tell you how many there are. So you learn 2 and you’re like. YES I’M A GENIUS AT DANCE. Then she’s like “ok segment 3” and you’re like oh balls. But then there is segment 4 AND THEN FIVE. And that’s when I was like, oh no. I’m done. My brain just shut down on me. I pleasantly watched segment 5 from the couch and I honestly could not tell you if there is a 6, 7, or 32.

Learning the moves was hard. But it wasn’t like Britney Slave for You hard. She clearly dumbed it down for us but as you’ll see, it wasn’t dumb enough. However, I’m confident that in a few weeks Tracy will be my own tiny slave.

But the most important part? It was fun. Like totally fun. It’s basically just jumping up and down a million times in different directions, flailing you arms to and fro. But it’s way more fun than a treadmill or a rope. And I feel like if I did just use a rope it would end up around my neck. Anyway, it was hard, I was sweating and it was fun. That’s a pretty good workout.

In terms of my diet thus far. I’m not really dieting. When I get hungry at random times of the day, I try to eat nuts instead of gummy penguins. But then I’m like, I can’t *waste* the gummy penguins. They need to fulfill their gummy destiny. So I should just eat them all so they will be gone and then I can really be healthy. And then there was the peanut brittle destiny and the caramel destiny. BUT NOW WE’RE ALL SET.

And now the moment you have been waiting for. Feel free to call the people at So You Think You Can Dance. BECAUSE I DO. And as you will see, I am amazing.

 

If you’re in on The Project with me, give me your update and how you’re doing so far. I want the good and the bad. Also I encourage you all to tape yourself dancing. You probably will stop dancing. And others will thank you.

xoxo

THE DANCE.

I will tell you that I currently need adult assistance to do things like sit onto the toilet, picking…

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Eating Innapropriately, Mom Stuff, Preg Stuff

The 5 warning signs that you need to get off of your no longer pregnant but maybe pregnant with a ghost baby ass and exercise.

January 9, 2012

Today was day 1 of  Project:-lose-the-baby-weight-because-now-i-have-a-one-year-old-and-its-sort-of-shameful-to-still-have-baby-weight-and-from-certain-angles-look-2-months-pregnant-and-there-are-only-so-many-times-i-can-hide-it-with-a-maxi-skirt.

Background:

You should know that I have the opposite of that disease that eating disorder girls have. You know the one where they look in the mirror and see a big fatty but really they are like skeletor? Yeah. I look in the mirror and I’m like, damn girl, looking good. You go and eat those chocolate nachos. And I pretend like my jeans aren’t giving me a 2nd c section.

But some stuff starting happening:

1) Stores like JCrew and Gap size things like way big so you feel like a skinny, when really they are just sizing things for fat America. A good rule of thumb is the more actual stores that exist in malls, the more F’d their sizing is. So when I was reaching for the bigger size in the Long and Leans, that sent off the lard ass signal. But at this point it was just a small wee waw wee waw signal sound.

2) Other people posting pictures of you on facebook should be just as illegal as opening up your mail. (I say this and I’m the biggest tagger out there, I’m hated in 5 states for this). But you know, those pictures where some asshole thinks they are being all candid photographer and catches you NOT sucking in? And then you and your 543 friends all get to see you 3 months pregnant. Pregnant with chocolate nachos and regret.

3) Right. Sucking in. I used to be the BEST sucker inner (fine…that’s what she said…whatever). I mean, I didn’t even think about it. It was just second nature. I’d walk around with those flat sucked in abs. Then you get pregnant. And the reverse happens. You push it out. Because you want to emphasize the bump and have people think you’re preg and not a fat lardo. Then all sucking in ceases to exist. Then you have a baby and your brain forgets it’s awesome sucking in ability. And then the world learns your secret: you’re ghost preg (preg with a ghost baby for those of you unclear about that).

4) When any item of clothing causes you to have diarrhea. That happened. The wee waw wee waw turned into like a WAHWAHWAH.

5) When your child learns how to shake things and pull on things to watch them move around. And then they start to shake your thigh. And then it keeps shaking for a good 2-3 rotations simply from the BABY’S momentum. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

But all of those things weren’t enough. I knew I needed to get back to working out. At least at home with a dvd. I mean I could do that right? No because of things like this:

-I have my period

-I have a cold

-ugh I feel like it’s always tuesday

-everyone keeps talking to me today

-I am sooo behind on my dvr programming

-I just cleaned stuff

Finally I had a naked talk with myself and realized we got our shit together (naked talks usually work). But here’s the thing. Life is different now. I can’t spend 2 hours at the gym and eat a bag of nuts all day. I used to go balls to the wall because I wanted to see results and see them fast. Yeah I was totally working out and looking in the mirror like WTF? I JUST ran for 15 minutes. I SHOULD LOOK SKINNY. And then I would be like, well working out just doesn’t make me skinny I guess, I’ll just eat EVERYTHING. And then I’d not get skinny. And THEN I’d be like, ok I need to workout  more. AND IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON. I’m a smart girl, why can’t I make my brain understand that there is like a 1 week delay in workout skinnies? Even as I say this now, I’m like I WORKED OUT THIS MORNING MY PANTS SHOULD FALL OFF.

So here’s the plan. There is no plan. Well, I guess there is sort of a plan.

I have every workout dvd, like ever. Because buying them makes me feel skinny. So my plan to start will be at least 3 days a week of a workout dvd. I’m going to mix it up. I will not be going to an actual gym because I fear leaving G with gym day care or really anyone ever. This is another post.

Today was 30 Day Shred on easy. EASY IS AN INSULTING TERM JILLIAN MICHAELS. I love the 30 day shred though. It’s intense and short. Just the way I like it. Tomorrow will be Tracy Anderson Post Preg workout (just purchased. Made me feel skinny). I’m also a big fan of Workout with Jackie Warner. That shit is balls hard. And as I am typing this I just remembered that I purchased Physique 57 or 52 or something. You all told me to on the MODG facebook page. I better get REAL skinny from all this BS or B is going to choke me.

The food plan. Before every halloween (the most important time to be skinny) I would always read Perricone’s diet book. I bought this book almost 10 years ago. I credit this book for teaching me everything I know about food and health. It’s all the smart stuff about food that everyone else caught on to like 5 years later. Not too many people know about it, but it is my bible and has changed the way I eat forever (even when I’m not buying workout dvd’s and hate talking in the mirror). I highly recommend it.

So I will eat Perricone style (healthy, fresh foods, whole grains, minimal boxed foods, low sugar) and go from there. I’m also going to add in Shakeology once a day for the super health stuff and not just because they pay me. More because they sent me a free bag. But MOSTLY because of health stuff. That’s it people. Perricone, shakies and dvd’s.

Oh there is another part to this. I don’t weigh myself. Ever. I feel like I would become a cutter if I did. The numbers scare me. I trust the mirror (although she is *clearly* an evil liar) and I trust my clothes. And pictures.

So now I need to know who wants to do this with me? I’ll blog regularly about my progress and I want to hear yours as well. Perricone shakies DVD diet? Anyone?

If you have a go to method or trick or are just really good at hate talk. Please discuss.

I have to go squeeze my fat in the mirror now.

Love,

ghost baby

 

 

Today was day 1 of  Project:-lose-the-baby-weight-because-now-i-have-a-one-year-old-and-its-sort-of-shameful-to-still-have-baby-weight-and-from-certain-angles-look-2-months-pregnant-and-there-are-only-so-many-times-i-can-hide-it-with-a-maxi-skirt. Background: You should know that I have the opposite of that disease that…

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babies, breastfeeding, Eating Innapropriately

Hello again food, you dirty dirty lady.

August 18, 2011

Today is a big day. Well I guess yesterday was THE big day. But today is sort of large-ish too.

Some of you who are new here may not know that I had a very difficult time with my diet as G was breastfeeding. G was a fart rocket and I was advised to cut out dairy. When that didn’t work I was advised to cut out soy also. (ps soy is in everything, like the air and rainbows and reality tv). When that didn’t work I was like F this, I’m cutting out everything until I figure out what the hell it is. This seems drastic, but what was drastic was the screaming from my little blob 25 hours a day. I would have eaten only crickets if that would have made him feel better.

Eating turkey and rice for 30 days makes you want to choke bunnies. So I started seeing a counselor for my bunny choking behaviors. Then we got thrush. I KNOW. I went back and forth between eating foods and sleep. I was not allowed to have both. If I ate foods, G was up all night screaming and farting. If I starved, I could sleep. At this point I was depressed and on a fair amount of zoloft. At my craziest, I tried to implement a diet of bone marrow soup. Don’t get me started. And although I puked my guts out, I realized something on that diet. I wasn’t drinking enough water in my life. I upped my water intake and we had significantly less gas and more sleeps. HEAVENS. G however still had really really bad eczema. After going to an ultra hippie naturopath, we determined that I had to stay off of gluten.  So I decided to stay off of gluten, soy and dairy indefinitely. We had finally found peace in our house with our happy non sick baby and I would do anything to keep it that way.

I stayed off of gluten, soy and dairy for 7 months.

Today, is a new day. Because today….

 

I can’t remember a time that I couldn’t just eat some of the foods. I can now eat ALL of the foods. And you can see by my sophisticated palate, that you’ll soon be referring to me as that fat girl with a blog. WHICH I’M FINE WITH.  Also it’s interesting that I’m craving mostly round foods. I never thought of myself as a shape-ist.

I slowly introduced new foods into my diet and watched G like a Britney stalker. And now I can safely say, I’m a regular strength eater again. Ok I’ll be extra strength for a week. But whatever. After that it’s back to nuts and twigs. Kill me.

Here is the takeaway that I’d like other moms to gain from my experience with food sensitivity and breastfeeding. If you have a gassy ass baby, your pediatrician will first tell you to cut out dairy. That should not be your first plan of attack. TRY EVERYTHING ELSE BEFORE YOU F WITH YOUR DIET. Because let’s say you take out dairy and he stops farting. You’ll be like OK that was it. And you won’t eat dairy for a year. When in reality, it could have been those leather chaps you squeezed him into that day for that picture with the cats. Not that I know anything about that.

First see if you are an overproducer and find a lactation consultant who you trust (every week there are at least 3 overproducers in our breastfeeding group…it’s common). Second, drink a lot of water. Don’t drown yourself in it, but be very hydrated. Third, don’t take anyone’s advice as bible. Breastfeeding is just something that we don’t know a TON about. So get many opinions. I truly don’t know if any of these foods actually caused any problems with G. But I do know that I was too terrified to find out. We went through such a hard time that I was scared to change one little tiny dot of our routine. I just didn’t want that hell to re-emerge.

But I really feel like I’ve made it through a war. It was THE HARDEST time of my life and we  have made it through. We are still breastfeeding and I’m so happy that we did it.

 

Ok people. I have ONE week** of eating whatever I want, as much as I want, in any place or time that I want. Give me your worst. WHAT SHOULD I EAT?

xoxo

MODGlovehandles

 

**One week is my “i probably won’t get obese fat but probably pretty chunky and I’ll probably be able to undo the damage” time frame

Today is a big day. Well I guess yesterday was THE big day. But today is sort of large-ish…

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Awesome things, Eating Innapropriately, Mom Stuff

WTF Weekend

June 11, 2011

WTF internet!?

As much as I carry on and on about cereal marshmallows, not one of you thought to mention that cereal marshmallows are in disguise as a VERY COMMON BUT WEIRD “COOKIE” THAT I CAN BUY ANY TIME I WANT?

oh AND they are gluten free:

in secret disguise as

 

I thought we were boys, internet.

If you need me I’ll be rocking back and forth in a corner shoving these bitches into my cereal marshmallow hole.

Word,

MODG

WTF internet!? As much as I carry on and on about cereal marshmallows, not one of you thought to…

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Awesome things, Dramababy, Eating Innapropriately, hippie stuff, Mom Stuff

Hippie-fied Solids. It keeps getting weirder around here.

June 1, 2011

Next week Dramababy turns 6 months. And you know what that means, solid foods. And what that REALLY means is insanely disgusting crap diapers.

In the future I'd like to avoid this sort of thing

We cheated and started a little early. I thought I was being a good solid hippie by pureeing my own baby foods and buying organic fresh produce and feeding him from my own fingers. Sounds good right? WRONG. Those damn hippies always one up me when I least expect it. Obviously I jumped on the band wagon as soon as I heart about it…

Baby Led Weaning.

First, it’s the dumbest name for a thing ever because it’s not what it sounds like. We’re not weaning G. He’ll still be breastfed for at least the first year of his life. But we are giving him real foods now. Baby Led Weaning is about giving them actual foods, not mush, regular people food. You give him foods that he can hold and chew and lick and stuff. It’s about learning to chew before swallowing, where puree stuff is about swallowing before chewing. The best part is that it’s lazy people friendly. No magic bullet, no steaming, no mush on my floors and in my hair. Just regular style. It’s also about the baby learning to feed themselves and not sitting around shoving a spoon into their mouths.

No.

Ok here were my concerns so I’m sure you’re thinking them too:

1) I will kill my baby

To be fair this is a concern of mine on an hourly basis. So far so good. As long as the food is cut into large pieces that they can hold, but can’t swallow (that’s the key), this method is kill proof. You don’t give them chokable things like nuts or dimes, but stick to apples, cucumbers, pears, and then you move on to large chunks of meat that they can suck on for iron and then fancy things like french toast and sweet potato fries.

2) I will starve my baby

…which leads back to #1. Also, babies are food geniuses. They know when they are hungry and MAN do they tell you. We’re sort of following the theory of “food for fun until one”. So he’ll still be getting just as much breast milk as before. Starvation solved.

3) My mom will think I’m insane

Probably.

4) My baby will be laughed at by all the other babies

No. YOUR baby will laugh at those dumb mush faced babies all the way to Whole Foods. Your baby will be all chill with his stick of mango at the restaurant asking the waiter to make his steak medium, while that other baby will be covered in pureed liver bean gravy sauce.

I’ve personally met 2 sophisticated babies who were baby led weaned and it’s so cool to see a tiny baby eating a chicken wing and a whole apple. And let me tell you how happy those moms were to not be pureeing crap at a party for regular food eating people. I want to be one of those people.

This is the book that we’re using. There’s a good summary about how to do this hippie food stuff and then easy safe non killable recipes to go with it.
The Baby-Led Weaning Cookbook: 130 Easy, Nutritious Recipes That Will Help Your Baby Learn to Eat (and Love!) a Variety of Solid Foods – and That the Whole Family Will EnjoyChild Care Books)

I’ll let you know how it goes. If I get discouraged, please remind me of this.

WORD

MODG & G

Next week Dramababy turns 6 months. And you know what that means, solid foods. And what that REALLY means…

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