Thanks to the randomizer, the free orgasm of baked goods goes to….
I have to go for the raspberry chocolate rugelach…I would die for those. But also maybe the chocolate chip sandwiches…it’s too hard to decide.
I would die for the key lime cookies…and the Betty rolls…and the lemon rosemary shortbread! Wow these look SO good!
My butt nuts came back this pregnancy too. With a vengeance. So bad I had to give up thongs for “girl shorts”. Still on the hunt for the true “No panty line promise”. I’m 4 weeks from my due date now so pretty much I would die for anything on the Bad Kitty’s menu. I’m thinking my butt nuts would respond best to the lemon rosemary shortbread cookies OR the Betty bread OR red velvet ANYTHING. Yum yum and yum.
None of you pastry hoarders left your email address so I’m banking on you checking in. I’m not tracking your asses down. Email me your home address at modgblog at gmail dot com. I’ll give like 2 days and then you’re out and I’ll find a new fatty. Like my face.
I have many things to tell all of you.
1) I found my VBAC midwife. I’m so GD excited, I feel like I found the perfect cheap white t-shirt. That link is for all of you who have been STALKING my ass about that. Buy it in a size too big. I’m serious. Buy 100 of them. As a general old navy hater, I fully endorse this shirt.
anyway, back to the midwife. I was told that I would love her because she’s “like me”. I was like…um what the hell does that mean? Also I panicked because I usually do not like people like me. You know, always think they are right, always have an opinion, and think they are extremely beautiful in their head but pretty regular otherwise. That sort of thing. But I met her and she said “schlep” and “fuck” in the first 10 minutes and I was SOLD for life. I plan on having 10 more babies just so she can yank them out of my vag. Here’s the deal: she delivers in a hospital but has total control over what goes on and is the only midwife/doctor type person that would be touching my vag. I asked her about taking childbirth classes and she told me to use that money at JCrew instead. DREAM MIDWIFE.
I wish I would have gone to her with G’s pregnancy. If you are even remotely local, check her out.
2) I found a butt nut cream that literally made my nuts run away back into my butt at lightening speed. And don’t be surprised at all…it’s Asian. Of course it is. ASIANS DO EVERYTHING AWESOME. I knew this cream was for me when I read on Amazon that it would “cool off your poop shoot and make your butt smell chinese”. If ever there was a one click order, it was for that. I’m assuming it’s ok for pregnancy since the loose Chinese translation said “if pregnant have careful”. I had careful.
3) B and I spent 48 intensive hours researching the cooking methods of chicken wings. Because we thought it would be a good idea to enter a wing cooking competition…never having made wings. We also thought we could win.
You should know that couples who spend 98% of their free time indoors listening to a baby monitor, in general, do not have good ideas. You should also know that ideas like this will usually end up in a marital fight.
Me: So I think you should enter the wing contest. It can totally be your thing.
B: Yeah ok maybe I’ll try that.
Me: Ok we need a control group of sauce and wings and a test group and blind taste testers and secret ingredients and duel ovens. Should I start researching ovens?
B: I thought this was my thing?
Me: It totally is your thing. So where should we start? How about we choose 34 recipes and make them all? I’m also going to make ones that only I like.
B: ….. (zoning out and slowly backing away)
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE NEED TO GET STARTED NOW.
And so after an intensive wing weekend….whatever, I don’t want to hear it. B got to name them. He couldn’t decide between “If you like it then you should’ve put a wing on it” or “Lord of the wings”. Not like it mattered because WE DIDN’T EVEN PLACE.
Next year. Next B (I) will totally win.
OK that’s all I’ve got for you on this fine fine rainy Monday. Back to entertaining a toddler while pregnant. Which, my friends, is hardcore.
We’ll chat more on that another day.
Peace, vag and wings.
Thanks to the randomizer, the free orgasm of baked goods goes to…. julie s. I have to go for…