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Awesome things, B, Eating Innapropriately, hippie stuff

Just my usual Monday vagina, white tshirt, china butt cream, chicken wings post.

June 4, 2012

Thanks to the randomizer, the free orgasm of baked goods goes to….

julie s.
I have to go for the raspberry chocolate rugelach…I would die for those. But also maybe the chocolate chip sandwiches…it’s too hard to decide.

Caroline Blackwood
I would die for the key lime cookies…and the Betty rolls…and the lemon rosemary shortbread! Wow these look SO good!
Jill
My butt nuts came back this pregnancy too. With a vengeance. So bad I had to give up thongs for “girl shorts”. Still on the hunt for the true “No panty line promise”. I’m 4 weeks from my due date now so pretty much I would die for anything on the Bad Kitty’s menu. I’m thinking my butt nuts would respond best to the lemon rosemary shortbread cookies OR the Betty bread OR red velvet ANYTHING. Yum yum and yum.

None of you pastry hoarders left your email address so I’m banking on you checking in. I’m not tracking your asses down. Email me your home address at modgblog at gmail dot com. I’ll give like 2 days and then you’re out and I’ll find a new fatty. Like my face.

I have many things to tell all of you.

1) I found my VBAC midwife. I’m so GD excited, I feel like I found the perfect cheap white t-shirt. That link is for all of you who have been STALKING my ass about that. Buy it in a size too big. I’m serious. Buy 100 of them. As a general old navy hater, I fully endorse this shirt.

anyway, back to the midwife. I was told that I would love her because she’s “like me”. I was like…um what the hell does that mean? Also I panicked because I usually do not like people like me. You know, always think they are right, always have an opinion, and think they are extremely beautiful in their head but pretty regular otherwise. That sort of thing. But I met her and she said “schlep” and “fuck” in the first 10 minutes and I was SOLD for life. I plan on having 10 more babies just so she can yank them out of my vag. Here’s the deal: she delivers in a hospital but has total control over what goes on and is the only midwife/doctor type person that would be touching my vag. I asked her about taking childbirth classes and she told me to use that money at JCrew instead. DREAM MIDWIFE.

I wish I would have gone to her with G’s pregnancy. If you are even remotely local, check her out.

2) I found a butt nut cream that literally made my nuts run away back into my butt at lightening speed. And don’t be surprised at all…it’s Asian. Of course it is. ASIANS DO EVERYTHING AWESOME. I knew this cream was for me when I read on Amazon that it would “cool off your poop shoot and make your butt smell chinese”. If ever there was a one click order, it was for that. I’m assuming it’s ok for pregnancy since the loose Chinese translation said “if pregnant have careful”. I had careful.

3) B and I spent 48 intensive hours researching the cooking methods of chicken wings. Because we thought it would be a good idea to enter a wing cooking competition…never having made wings. We also thought we could win.

You should know that couples who spend 98% of their free time indoors listening to a baby monitor, in general, do not have good ideas. You should also know that ideas like this will usually end up in a marital fight.

Me: So I think you should enter the wing contest. It can totally be your thing.

B: Yeah ok maybe I’ll try that.

 

Me: Ok we need a control group of sauce and wings and a test group and blind taste testers and secret ingredients and duel ovens. Should I start researching ovens?

B: What?

Me: I mean if we’re going to win we need to do this right.

B: I thought this was my thing?

Me: It totally is your thing. So where should we start? How about we choose 34 recipes and make them all? I’m also going to make ones that only I like.

B: ….. (zoning out and slowly backing away)

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE NEED TO GET STARTED NOW.

 

And so after an intensive wing weekend….whatever, I don’t want to hear it. B got to name them. He couldn’t decide between “If you like it then you should’ve put a wing on it” or “Lord of the wings”. Not like it mattered because WE DIDN’T EVEN PLACE.

See? That is not B OR I.

Next year. Next B (I) will totally win.

OK that’s all I’ve got for you on this fine fine rainy Monday. Back to entertaining a toddler while pregnant. Which, my friends, is hardcore.

We’ll chat more on that another day.

 

Until then,

Peace, vag and wings.

MODG

 

Thanks to the randomizer, the free orgasm of baked goods goes to…. julie s. I have to go for…

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Awesome things, B, babies, Eating Innapropriately, I heart TV, Mom Stuff

The Bachelor and a Bacon Unicorn and other amazing B things. But not B himself. Because he’s busy watching cartoons.

February 28, 2012

Thank god you’re still here.

I thought you got all Lost on me and vanished into an alternate reality complete with smoke monster.

2 days ago, I go to write you a super extra good post. You know about The Bachelor and a tooth of mine and soft baby craps. That kind of post. And BAM you all had disp’rd. I had just a blank screen. And you best believe I panicked. I asked G if he had anything to do with this and he ate one of his toes in response. That means, “I don’t give a shit about your dumb website mom”. Turns out the internet was just in the mood to F me.

No one on the internet wanted to help me and finally my unicorn prince helped me again. Just because. Ladies, I’m here to tell you that you can find your unicorn prince too. You just need to buy a shit ton of unicorn food. You can’t expect him to just show up if you’re all lazy like.

Regardless, I’m here. And you’re here. And we can move on with our official MODG business.

As I’m writing this, I have iTunes open in the background and all I can see is that it’s recommending “A Mother’s Gift” by Carnie Wilson. No iTunes you asshole. No. Bad call.

So this is going to be one of those posts where I keep talking about what this post is going to be, like right in the  middle of the post because I don’t have much to say.

So here are my points:

1) Soft Craps: G has exploded his diaper every day at least once for 2 weeks now. SHIT IS EVERYWHERE. I’ve fed this child every sponge of a food I can think of to absorb the softies up. No go. We go through a pair of pants, a changing pad cover and usually socks every day thanks to the softies. Then B comes home to a softies diaper in the sink because I literally can’t be around softies anymore and I just lock it away. THANK YOU ANTIBIOTICS.

2) MY MONDAYS: We call this Amanda’s Special Time in my house. I invite you to the wonderment of awe that is my Monday night. Bachelor, red wine, dark chocolate, latest magazine or Jcrew ‘logue, iPad for looking up ‘logue items and such and a locked door. Should you dare interrupt my special time, dark dark forces will rise against you and tell you how annoying you are for bothering me and that you should probably go downstairs and keep watching that cartoon with the talking baby that you watch, even though you are an adult and probably shouldn’t be watching cartoons, let alone ones featuring babies. JS.

3) The Project: I feel like I should update you on my fat assness. Remember that 40 second trip to hell that was G taking 1 nap? Well my workout was clearly not happening then. But G went back to 2 naps. But guess who didn’t go back to working out? Joe Jonas! No, just me. I was just thinking of him because he was on Smash AND Andy Cohen.

4) I love tv so much.

5) I love Pinterest so much.

6) I have a good Stuff I Like post coming up. It includes MY #1 FAVORITE STUFF I LIKE EVER IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE OF THINGS AND STUFF.

7) The other day I googled the lyrics to the Education Connect song just because. Don’t tell B that though, he’ll make me get a job if he knows that I have that kind of free time. But I thought we could end with that.

I’m working for an hourly wage. I went to high school, didn’t do great. Still I gotta make more cash, more education is what I’m looking at. When I get a degree, I will make a bigger salary.

So now I got to see, which college is right for me. I went on the Internet and found Education Con-nec-tion. I took some free tests to find out my direction. I’m takin’ my classes online, gettin’ my degree on my on time. Education Connection matched me with the right college for free.

 

I totally judge her. What a loser. Then I feel guilty about it. Like maybe she had a really tough life.

Then I smack myself and google the lyrics.

xoxo

MODG

I’m so glad you’re not lost. But after this post you may wish I was. I will accept comments including soft crap remedies, worship type comments about my Mondays, and anything telling B that cartoons are dumb.

Thank god you’re still here. I thought you got all Lost on me and vanished into an alternate reality…

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B, Sharing

Tomorrow B made the conscious decision to be married to me for 5 years. I at least owe him a top 10 list.

February 23, 2012

Dear B,

Tomorrow we have officially been married for 5 years. Do you believe it? Yeah I guess I do too. This past year I think took a good 3 off of our lives. But now that we’ve come out on the other side, I’m very confident we can handle a future kitchen remodel.

Since you always ask me to do top 10 lists, I’m doing to do one and dedicate it to you. And also share it with the internet. You’re cool with that right?

Top 10 reasons why I love you B.

10) You’re cool with me sharing stuff with the internet. Like all the stuff.

9) When you’re super gassy, you know it. You’re not all in denial and weird about it like other people. You accept it and you voluntarily sleep in the guest room to air out your organs. That sort of courtesy does not go unappreciated. The rest of the female population should be so lucky.

8 You don’t judge me when I say things like, wait…what’s going on in Palestine again? I swear I went to Ira Palenstine’s Bar Mitvah…  And then you tell me and I’m like, Jesus B, can you NOT talk during the preview for next week’s Vampire Diaries?

7) You do the grossest stuff in the house 1) brush the cats 2) unclog our poop toilets daily 3) clean cat vomit 4) kill all bugs. It’s reasons like those that women get married.

6) You don’t make me play football, in the  mud, with your brothers and your dad and sister in law who is apparently much cooler than me, on Thanksgiving. Because you know that in any universe, that is never ever happening.

5) You change every single diaper when you are home to do it. See #7

4) You are pretty for a boy. But not like a pretty boy. Do people still use that term? Like boy band sort of pretty? I didn’t think any of them were “pretty” per se, well maybe JT. No not even him. He had terrible hair back then. And there was that guy with the corn rows. NOT PRETTY. Oh sorry, I meant to say…you are a hot piece. That’s better than pretty I guess.

3) You fully support my dream to be the most fashionable, cat shelter owning, stage actress, writer, boss of everything, pop star. Like that one time just for a *test* I told you that I was going to audition for American Idol and you were like, ok I’ll be there. And that right there is why all of those bad bad singers think they are good.

2) You think my MSPaint drawings are brilliant.(yes that my #2 reason and they are in order)

1) You are *the* best dad on the planet to our boy. I read somewhere that you should only marry a man that you would want your son to grow up and be exactly like. Mission accomplished. I hope that G is as generous, thoughtful, and loving as you as he grows up. Maybe one day he’ll even learn how to tell a good B joke.  i.e. The cats think that is a purrrfect idea.

 

I love you B. For those 10 reasons and 10 jillion more.

Happy Anniversary,

Love me and the internet.

 

 

Dear B, Tomorrow we have officially been married for 5 years. Do you believe it? Yeah I guess I…

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B, babies, breastfeeding

Biting the hand that feeds you < biting the nipple that feeds you.

December 13, 2011

While we were all busy saving the world and being good people and shit, my life turned upside down. Now many of you were like OH YOU GOT A TV SHOW. Or OH YOU ARE GOING TO BE ON THE NEWS. or OH YOU FOUND A LOT OF GOLD THINGS AND REALLY ARE RICH.

no.

See, despite my fancy internety ways, I’m really just a regular mom. I clean stuff. I cook things. I feed the baby. And I watch dvr. That’s my life. So when I say that my life is turned upside down, it’s more like, oops the dvr fell off of the shelf and less, taadaa you’re super famous now.

So cue G’s actual first birthday (December 8th). After the party we really did nothing to make note of the day itself. Apparently that was not ok with G and he showed his gratitude by biting my nipples. WITH TOP AND BOTTOM TEETH. At every, single, feeding. It was literally like he forgot how to nurse. Now I’ll be honest, this happened once before. But he was raging mad angry and didn’t realize what he was doing. He drew blood. We don’t talk about that.

But the fear lives inside my boobs. And the fear is real. Once you’ve been bit, you don’t forget.

So my now 1 year old boy would slowly approach the nipple and like in slow motion show his fangs and start to clamp down.

NO DO NOT BITE MOMMY. THAT HURTS. (and then we do the sign for hurts…like he has any idea…)

So we’d try again. ANOTHER BITE. NO I SAID NO BITING GAVIN. And then he loses it and screams and cries. Like how dare I not let him bite my nipples. And so he went to bed without nursing. And then I cried about it.

Next morning, Good morning G! I bet you’re thirsty, time to nurse. ****CHOMP*** Really? REALLY? We’re still doing this? More crying. No nursing.

Now I’m really freaking out. And here is why…Yes I wanted to wean at 1 year so I could take my medication and just be a better mom.  However nursing is a very special bond between me and G. I’ve done it at least 3 times a day for 365 days and early on it was like 10 times a day. I don’t even always pee 3 times a day every day. And it makes him happy and I know it’s good for him. And now I was faced with a choice.

I could push this. I could research ways to get him to stop biting. I could consider it a nursing strike and wait it out and try again. I could pump to keep my supply up so when he is ready, I’ll be there. I could deal with the biting and hope that he stops.

Or, I could wean.

For 24 full hours, I cried. Because I thought that I wanted to wean, but I felt like a terrible mother for not pushing through a big nursing problem. But here was the kicker: He could have given 2 shits. He wasn’t asking for boobs. He was sleeping well. And he was happy as a dairy free clam. It was ME that was a mess.

And I realized, this situation is so much better than if it were reversed. I wouldn’t want him to be like an addict coming off of a binge, begging for more. I’d so much rather him not care and move on. This was an opportunity and I needed to take it.

B did not understand.

Me: B do you think I’m doing the right thing?

B: Um, I guess.

Me: NO YOU NEED TO SAY YES YOU ARE DEFINITELY DOING THE RIGHT THING.

B: I do?

Me: YES! I AM TORMENTED INSIDE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

B: Well I sort of thought the weaning process would just take a little longer

Me: SO YOU’RE SAYING I’M A SELFISH AWFUL MOTHER?

B: No.

Me: SOBSOBSOBSOB YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

And he really didn’t understand. But this is probably the first decision that I have made so far as a mother that benefited me directly and G indirectly. So G won’t be necessarily benefiting from abrupt weaning, but he will benefit from having a better, more sane mother with a happy vagina.

I want to say that this decision was not taken lightly. Long time readers know that I have been through thrush, elimination diets, then resulting in no dairy, soy or wheat for 6 full months. I later found out that I was dehydrated. And we made it through. And we still breastfed. It was the most important thing in the world to me, but now I have to put my health first.

So 1 week  has gone by and we are no longer breastfeeders. G hasn’t even given my boobs a second glance. It’s like flat chested 7th grade Amanda again with all the boys staring at the other boobs. But I’m cool with it and so is G.

I’m slowly pumping less and less to adjust to not feeding a baby anymore. I’m pumping once every 2 days now. And you know what? I’m happy. Because I can leave G with B and go to the mall. And stay there. And then I can go to my friend Box’s house and stay there. And I don’t have to stare at my watch waiting for it to be 2 and nurse G to sleep. For the first time, OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO STUFF. It’s liberating.

I would not change a single second of how I nursed G. Well, maybe I’d be sure that kid took a bottle at some point in his life. But besides that, I’m super happy and proud to have nursed him for 365 days exactly. It was a really tough road but totally worth it. And at his high school graduation, I’ll be sure that all of his friends know that he is so awesome because he breastfed. G will love it.

My baby is growing up. And now I can relax a bit. Except not about eating. BECAUSE I BETTER NOT GET FAT NOW.

And as we changed the world with WANA, my own little mom world changed and I now have a little independent man running around who don’t need no stupid boob.

IT’S TIME TO BRA SHOP.

xoxo

Milkless MODG

__________________________________________________________

this boob update was brought to you by the fine folks at Shakeology. I have a giant bag of the chocolate shake on STANDBY for when the breastfeeding skinnies go away (like now). Also Pete (my dad) will be doing a Shakeology review for us. I can already tell you though, it’s awesome. They gave me this whole calendar with recipes for every day of the month to make different things with the shake. Um, can we say chocolate banana peanut butter? I HEART IT. I will be so skinny you won’t see me. CROSSIES.

While we were all busy saving the world and being good people and shit, my life turned upside down.…

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B, Stuff I like

STUFF B LIKES: Or as I call it, B likes nothing.

November 27, 2011

 

Every gift giving holiday, I have this conversation with B:

Me: So what do you want for your birthmasfathersflagiday?

B: I don’t want anything.

Me: By saying you don’t want anything, you make my life infinitely harder.

B: Why? Just don’t get me anything.

Me: You KNOW that’s not going to happen. Now I have to tell all the people who are asking to get you bandannas and underwear. Is that what you want?

B: YES.

Me: No. and I hate you.

And from my experience with the penis population, this is common. Buying gifts for men is the stupidest activity on the whole earth. Stupider than water polo. I don’t even know what water polo is. I imagine it’s stupid. When you shop for a girl you can buy pretty clothes, or jewelry or makeup or spa stuff or RHOANYTHING books and paraphernalia and it’s easy and fun. Shopping for boys results in either 1) something with a charger/plug or 2) something with a motor. SNORING.

So I want you to know that I sacrificed THREE hours of my time sitting with B at the kitchen table pulling out any sort of gift information out of him to help the general public who has to give a gift to the penis population**

**Special Note: B is a regular guy. He likes booz, sports and naps. So if that’s your man, you’re all set. If you’re picturing your member of the penis population right now and he’s wearing any pair of jeans over 80 dollars as well as any sort of arm decoration, move along friend. This is not the place for you.

B as well as many other men that I know like to cook on fire. It’s part of the caveman mentality. That’s why someone invented the grill. Someone *genius* was like, how can we get men to spend hundreds of dollars on a box of fire to cook their meat? And then they were like, I KNOW I’LL JUST DO IT. And they did it and now every man in America has a grill. But I digress. B will cook anything on a grill and really wants to cook a pizza on it. Enter The Pizza Stone….It makes it easy to cook a pizza on a fire. Whatever.

Pizza Stone

I should warn you. In my kitchen discussion with B of gifts, I told him to shoot for the stars and tell me his ultimate wish list. So some of this shit is pricey. For example: A giant machine that just blows. No not that. THAT would be on every penis population’s list. I give you, the snow blower. B almost dies every year shoveling snow. This he wants from his rich mistress (aka not me)

Poulan Pro PR621 Gas Powered Snow Thrower

B is regular strength handy. Like he’s not building me that finished basement that I NEED TO HAVE B, LIKE NOW. But he is super gluing stuff and hammering things. He drill’s some things too. He told me that it’s awesome to have a wireless drill. He also said that 18volt is important. See? It’s that sort of stuff that the vagina population would never know.

Black & Decker CDC180ASB 18-volt Compact Drill

omg. I’ve been hearing about the damn noise cancellation headphones for the better part of 6 years. I’m like, WAIT. You want headphones that make sounds stop? Like the opposite of regular headphones? So you want to buy nothing? You want to buy non sound? For HOW MUCH? Needless to say he does not have the noise cancelling headphones. I mean WHAT noise could he possibly want to cancel anyway?

Bose® Noise Cancelling® Headphones NEWEST MODEL

ESPN is the equivalent to the Bravo Clubhouse with Andy Cohen. It’s where the cool people hang out and you want to know the secret stuff that goes on behind the scenes. This is a good book to buy your person if they like any sport whatsoever.

Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN

B likes this magazine. B is in sales and has a job. He likes to know about other people who have jobs. That’s all I have to say about that.

Fortune (1-year auto-renewal)

B has used a hand me down lawnmower for 5 years. He desperately wants a new one. He says this is where it’s at because it’s 22 inches and gas powered and self propelled. Again: THINGS I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. But if you’re buying your male a lawn mower, you should send me envelopes of cash. Because you can.

Husqvarna 22-Inch Gas Powered Lawn Mower

It’s a Time Machine!!!! No. Just more boring stuff. So apparently smokers are devices that make everything taste like ham. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT? B’s order of likes go like this: baby G, bandannas, me, ham. He says that every man in the whole world wants this. It’s fairly inexpensive too. I just can’t take ham tastes every day.

Weber Smokey Mountain Cooker

Let’s call it what it is: Manscaper pubecutter. Once every 2 weeks or so I come into the bathroom, which has turned into a black forest of hair. There’s wires everywhere and  parts and things and it’s frightening. B has this whole set up to trim his entire body of hair. And it’s a lot. This guy is wireless, simple and to the point.

Philips Norelco Bodygroom

I was like, B, how about some NICE underwear? Like something you normally wouldn’t get yourself? Nope. He wants the plastic pack of underwear. He says it’s soft on his waist and soft parts. Great.

Note: I could have shown you the pack of underwear, but I chose not to.

Hanes 4-Pack Comfort Soft Waistband Boxer Brief

B is a big fan of Hugo Boss (after I dragged him out of a K & G kicking and screaming). Apparently the prices on Amazon for a suit are WAY better than anywhere else.

Hugo Boss Mens Suit

Personally, the bite valve creeps me out. I just feel like food bits and germs and disease live in it. But B loves it. And little G destroyed his last one.

CamelBak BPA-Free Better Bottle with Bite Valve

I’m not even.

12 Color Pack Double Sided Print Paisley Bandana Scarf, Head Wrap

Who remembers my argument with the bedding company who sent me a body pillowcase by accident? Anyone? Remember what I said? THEY ARE STUPID. Guess who is dying for one?

Body Pillow Pillowcase 100% Cotton, 300 Thread Count Color: Ivory

B says to me: I want a hat to wear to the gym. But not like a regular hat. Like a gym hat. To this I gave him confused side eye. The  man has 30 hats. Why can he not wear these hats to the gym? Apparently because you’re not supposed to wash regular hats because they shrink. B has a super sized head so this would be bad. He wants these.

UNDER ARMOUR Men’s Off-Day Adjustable Cap

He also wants socks. SNORING. The socks *I* wanted were exciting.

Kenneth Cole Men’s Oversized Grid Dress-Socks

 

And there you have it. B’s wish list. What did I tell you? Boy stuff is the WORST. And we as women don’t understand it at all. I vote for segregated gift giving in this country. WOMEN MAY ONLY GIVE TO OTHER WOMEN AND MEN TO OTHER MEN. It can be a giant pick from a hat sort of thing.

But I need a woman who gives diamonds. JS.

Ok now tell me what you have in mind for your member of the penis population. Maybe I’ll get a better idea for B than his snore list.

xoxo

MODG and B

 

  Every gift giving holiday, I have this conversation with B: Me: So what do you want for your…

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Awesome things, B, babies

*WE* are Penn State. Not them.

November 12, 2011


Penn State is bandanna wearing, mascot baby, opponent colored balloons for teaching babies niceness (or just what I happened to have), super happy awesomeness.

Post pictures to my facebook wall of what Penn State is to you.

I’ll do awesome things with them.

xoxo

Go State

MODG Family

Penn State is bandanna wearing, mascot baby, opponent colored balloons for teaching babies niceness (or just what I happened…

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