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Awesome things

Awesome things, babies, Britney, I heart TV, I should be famous, Not Pleased

A pageant crown, mutated DNA and the TV. a glorious trio.

August 14, 2013

Where to begin…

This blog and you guys have definitely taken a backseat over the past few months. Most of my free time is spent pumping or cooking. It’s bites, but it’s life. I have 3 more months and then life can get a little bit more normal.

Both Ruby and G were tested to be homozygous for MTHFR mutations. I know…what the hell am I talking about. It looks like motherfucker for a reason. It’s a bitch. It’s so complicated, I’ll be going back to college to actually pay attention in class and figure this shit out. BASICALLY it means that their bodies flush out toxins or “methylate” at a rate of 30% what normal people do. This means they can react to their foods, environment, vaccines, pretty much anything that goes into their body. The reaction can be different for everyone. Some people don’t develop reactions until they are much older. Some kids develop ADHD, Autism, and a whole slew of other problems. It’s scary shit. I’m not saying that this mutation CAUSES all of this nonsense, but something like 98% of kids who have these issues, also have these mutations.

So. That means? I’m doing everything I possibly can to not be over the top insane crazy about this. It’s a crazy rabbit hole that I’m afraid to go down. I don’t want to be psycho mom that is policing everything they touch, do and eat. But I also want to take this seriously and give them the best shot that they can have to stay healthy.

It’s been a lot to handle.

And I’ve felt pretty depressed about the whole thing and the work it takes to make foods from scratch and pump 8 times a day including in the middle of the night.

And because of that, this blog has suffered. It’s hard for me to find the bright side and come here to talk nonsense with everyone. Although, I know that’s what I need. I need to try and see the bright side and try and find a way to live normally with all of this information.

So that’s what I’m going to try and do. Just please know that this blog and you guys have not been forgotten about. I often give quick life updates via the MODG facebook page and instagram page (I still think twitter is a whore). So that’s your best way to stay connected…if you care about cats and diapers. You know, good stuff.

So I owe you all some updates.

Please meet Ruby Lee, Phoenixville’s 3rd place winner in the Kimberton Baby Contest

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At first Ruby was like WHAT? 3RD PLACE? And then we had a talk about Britney and Christina and not being appreciated in your own time and coming out on the top later in life. She was like…what? And I was like, it’s pretty much like pulling for a higher title in a few years. She’s like, oh…I got it. So we’re cool.

Also, yes, we were on tv. It was a very surreal experience. Like, ME? you want to put ME on tv? So yeah, the interview wasn’t the most compelling piece of news drama this year. But it was cool for me and my family and something that I’ll probably never get to do again…outside of maybe hosting the Emmy’s.

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I got to have hair and makeup. THAT made me feel famous. I arrived with like 43 lbs of makeup already on though so the makeup guy was all…um…you’re not a kardasian. Right.

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But let’s get real here. Bringing a toddler to a tv studio is not something I’d recommend in regular life. Although G loved every second of it. He saw himself “on tv” and was sold. I’m in trouble.

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And then, on my BIG DAY. What do you know? Cole Hamels steals the show. Again. They see B and are all…wait. Her husband is here? That’s him? He looks like Cole Hamels? Get him on the show. NO PROBLEM B. I’LL JUST SCOOT OVER.

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The show is called Dawn. In case you weren’t sure. I was pretty nervous.

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Everyone CLEAR OUT. IT’S G’S TURN TO BE THE STAR.

 

Here are the clips. I was so bummed that they didn’t get to feature all of my products. I’m going to be doing a follow up post talking about each product and showing an exclusive amazing B produced video featuring the products we didn’t get to. It will be the B! show. You’ll love it.

Someone said it seems like I’m high. Probably my favorite comment ever. I would be very impressed with a high guest if I saw one. Just me though…

Few things. I don’t have a background in marketing. I felt bad correcting her. Also, some of you said you tried to call and were sent to a voicemail. Yeah, I don’t know. Also I guess I’m officially a “mommy blogger”. That term still makes me a little vomitty. I don’t know why. Martinis MODG would have full on puked. I need to accept it. I also need to accept my permanent preg stomach and grays. Barf.

So, this has been a weird post. Pageants, TV and DNA. That’s what you get on the MODG show. You’d watch it right?

I’ll be around. I promise. Be patient with me.
Stay tuned for the weirdest video I’ve ever made.

Love and Lust
MODG

 

PS If you know anything about MTHFR and can share your smarts, please tell me in the comments. I need mucho help.

Also I’ll take pageant comments too.

 

Where to begin… This blog and you guys have definitely taken a backseat over the past few months. Most…

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Awesome things, I heart TV

Get your coffee and your baby. I’m going to be on TV tomorrow. Put on some lipstick while you’re at it.

August 11, 2013
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Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

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I’m sorry to say so but sadly it’s true that the extent of my pop culture references now are limited to Dr. Seuss and Sid the Science Kid. So…I may not be the most interesting/awake/sane person tomorrow morning when I’m

LIVE ON MF-ING TELEVISION BITCHES. 

Guys, you remember Mike TV from Willy Wonka? He was all, I LOVE TV SO MUCH YOU ALL CAN SUCK IT AND I’LL JUST LIVE WITH MY STRING BEAN MOTHER AND MY TV. I’m totally like that. Me and TV are tight. So the fact that I’m going to be on it, is amazing.

I tried explaining this to G. That mommy is going to be on TV. He looked at the TV on the wall and asked if I needed a ladder. Point G.

Here’s the deal, it’s LIVE. That means I can’t say shitballs usa. I also need to be awake. That means that despite setting my alarm to pump TWICE in the middle of the night and my inability to consume coffee right now…or speed, I need to get my shit together.

I’m going to be on a show called Dawn on WMPN. It’s on tomorrow (MONDAY) at 10:30am

It’s a local Philly/Jersey station. Comcast is SD #19 and HD #794. It’s *pretty* local. But I’m *pretty* much just a blogger and have no business on TV anyway. So I feel *pretty* cool about it.

Ruby, B and G are all coming with me. I told them they didn’t have to but I think B wants some camera time too. ***IT’S NOT THE COLE HAMELS SHOW B, IT’S MY SHOW. MY SHOW.**

I’ll be talking about my favorite baby picks right now and a special little segment on baby fashion. Get your babies ready Philly. I’m NOT playing.

I’m going to start covering up my dark circles tonight. Hopefully by morning, I’ll put a dent in them.

xoxo

TV MODG

 

Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. I’m sorry…

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Awesome things, babies

Guys, it’s baby pageant time again. It’s what I call REDEMPTION TIME.

July 21, 2013

I’ve officially been pumping exclusively for 1 week now. Guys, it’s no joke. I’m pumping every 2 hours to get my supply up. It’s like, play trains, pee on the potty, watch some Cat in the Hat, Pump. Cook lunch, spend an hour packing up the car to go to the mall, pump in the car, be at the mall for a half hour, pump in the car on the way home. But you know what? As hard and annoying and uncomfortable as it is, it was harder before. It was way harder when Ruby just wouldn’t nurse. It was hard mentally and stressful. Now it’s just annoying. I can deal with annoying.

But on to more important things than keeping my baby alive with my own body—>
**Baby Pageants**

Many of you will remember 2 years ago, G was entered in our local baby pageant and was ROBBED of the title. I should remind everyone that “local baby pageant” means a bunch of baby is a farm warehouse standing around in 97 degree heat, waiting for the farmer’s wife and sister to proclaim the best baby in all of the farm. Next door was goat judging. I’m serious.

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So yeah, G was robbed. I mean B even wore a matching outfit. So this year? THIS YEAR? I have the golden ticket. I have the sunshine sparkle in everyone’s lives. Goats included.

I have MISS RUBY LEE!

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Miss Ruby Lee has brown hair and hazel eyes. Her hobbies include online shopping and sparkling. When she grows up she wants to be a Physicist and your very best friend. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage MISS RUBY LEE!

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And the crowd goes wild because they have never laid eyes on such an amazing baby before. This baby will change the world. And we’re starting here at the Kimberton Fair.

Ruby looks all sweet and cool but watch out babies, she is NOT playing. She is coming to win.

So, between pumping out every drop of milk I can, I’m planning her pageant look.
I’m trying to not be all, frilly tutu trying to hard baby (you know the one) but I also need her to appeal to the farmers/judges. So we’ve tried on a few looks.

We tried some gingham, some ikat, some preppy school girl and even a bathing beauty look. We haven’t made our final decision. It may be whatever Ruby is feeling that day. You bet your baby ass though there will be a headband.

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The pageant is Saturday. And it’s redemption time. We’re going to win for her brother. We’re going to win for everything that’s good and true in America. We’re going to win for all the babies in the world who have been screwed by the man.

Live within a 9 hour drive or 3 hour flight? I’ll see you there.

Tips for the win? (like we need it)

xoxo

MODG mom

I’ve officially been pumping exclusively for 1 week now. Guys, it’s no joke. I’m pumping every 2 hours to…

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Awesome things, Single Guy

GUYS. SINGLE GUY JUST GOT MARRIED.

June 23, 2013

For the most part, MODG has been a solo project, with one very special exception. When this blog first started, I had a weekly feature called “Single Guy”. This feature was written by a friend of ours from college. He played the game better than most. He scoffed at girls who didn’t eat edamame correctly or who wore North Face. You all loved to hate him. And I hated him too, until I totally loved him.

See, I married one of his friends and suddenly I could know him just as a person and he could know me as non-conquestable person too. He delivered his post to me every tuesday morning without fail. The feature was a hit. But like all awesome things, it ended. And a few years later, the eternally single guy got married. And it was awesome. I mean, it was great. I just said all awesome things end. So that was probably not the best thing to say.

Anyway.

He got married. And it was a big deal. Such a big deal that we put the 2 kids in the car for their first long road trip to Virginia. We left them with family and crossed our fingers that everyone would eat, sleep, pee and poop appropriately, and we were off.

Guys…he cried. He cried. You know when the groom first sees the bride…And then we ALL cried. Because it’s SINGLE GUY! He doesn’t cry and he doesn’t care about weddings. But he cared and it was really super.

Now. I know you want to know who tamed the beast. She is really great. She doesn’t put up with his edamame BS. She tells him to get his shit together. And he does. And this is a lesson to all you single ladies. Don’t let no man tell you how to eat your edamame. You tell him to shove it up his sushi roll hole. And then he will love you. Quote me on that.

So this post is for you old school MODG readers. Back when we were Martinis or Diaper Genies. I felt like you deserved to be a part of the wedding too. And so did SG.

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There they are. Look at the happiness. Eat it up.

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And here we are. No kids. And a glass of booz in the other hand. THAT is the happiness I can eat.

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2 kids puts on the gray. Just saying B.

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I felt like my son was getting married. But if G ever acts a fool like SG did, he’s done.

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And this ladies is the last true “single guy” of the group. And MAN would I love him to be the next MODG Single Guy.

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And this is really so I could just show you my whole dress. Because I was obsessed. Do I even need to say it? THANK YOU RENT THE RUNWAY AGAIN. Dress and necklace.

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Just in case you thought it was fake and photoshopped. I had to keep reminding myself that it’s real.

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And every fraternity wedding we go to ends in a Living on a Prayer crowd surf.

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We really love you Steven. Married Guy.

Feel free to leave your best wishes for our ex Single Guy. Let me know if you were reading back then.

xoxo

MODG

For the most part, MODG has been a solo project, with one very special exception. When this blog first…

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Awesome things, babies, breastfeeding, Mom Stuff

48 hours away from the baby. A little diarrhea, a few tears. And I’ll also tell you about the kids.

June 17, 2013

Guys, we survived. Babies, boobs and all the other B things. We made it the 48 hours apart. I diarrhead 90 times about it. But we did it.

For those catching up, this was my first time away from almost 7 month old Ruby. G was all, bitch please, I got this. He did.not.care. He was only interested in his Nana and what toys he could steal from her.

B and I were prepping to travel 5 hours to Connecticut to a wedding on Fisher’s Island. I pumped for FOUR months to get enough for the 48 hours away from the Rub-ster. And of course my supply drops right before we leave from stress. But we kissed our kiddos goodbye, handed over the NINE page instruction manual that came with our children in their boxes and peaced out.

I cried for 19 seconds in the car. Would Ruby ever nurse again? She loves that damn bottle and hates my boobs. Would she think I left her forever? Would she grow fangs and vampire bite me when I got home? The answer to one of these is yes.

Dudes. Connecticut is no joke. and Fisher’s Island is seriously no joke. It’s like if Martha’s Vineyard and the secret service had a baby. Because it’s super private, super fancy and super northeast coast. You have to take a boat to get there and  you have to be the king of something to live there. It’s BEAUTIFUL and I told B to get his shit together now so we could live there. He gave me his “sign up for match.com already” look.

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Now my task was to pump every 3 hours. But then I changed my mind and pumped every 2 hours because I’m a sadist and because I was so paranoid about my milk going away forever. I’ve never been in this sort of long term pumping situation before. It’s some real shit people. I’m pumping in bathroom stalls, backseats of cars, random bedrooms, under tables, on the backs of unicorns. Everywhere. I pumped. And pumping is a funny little thing. Your boobs totally get stage fright in weird places. You’re like I KNOW you have milk in there LET ME HAVE IT. And your boobs are all, NO, it’s weird here! I refuse to let go. And so you do things like watch videos of babies. Talk gently to your boobs. Take yoga breaths. Buy them Tiffany’s. Whatever it takes. And sometimes they cooperate.

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So there I am on more boats back and forth than I can count, a no-cell phone allowed country club, in 2 fancy dresses with a tow along cooler and my giant pump bag. Every single person at that wedding knew that I was pumping. It usually went like this…

Man: We’d like everyone to be seated now for dinner please.

B: I’m waiting for my wife, she’s pumping.

Man: Pumping?

B: Yes, pumping.

Man: Oh you have a baby?

B: Yep and she’s pumping.

———

Lady: What’s that bag?

Me: My pump

Lady: Your pump?

Me: Yes my pump.

Lady: Oh you have a baby?

Me: Yes and I’m pumping.

Probably this happened 74 times. And you know what? I wasn’t embarrassed at all. I was actually proud of myself for committing and I was proud to let the world know about it. I usually got a “good for you”. But man, it wasn’t easy. Especially leaving at 10am for bridesmaid stuff the day of the wedding and getting home at 2am. That’s a lot of swishy sloshy milk to carry around. But I did it.

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And when it was all said and done, the following things happened:

1) I actually increased my supply. Ruby is a shitty nurser so pumping religiously every 2 hours while taking Mother’s Milk Plus like doubled my supply. Winner winner breastmilk dinner.

2) I actually relaxed. I know. It shocked me too. Wedding stuff can be stressful for people. My dress is stained, the makeup lady is a bitch, I forgot my earrings. Whatever. I became the calm, problem solver. Everything was easy. Do you know why? Because ANYTHING without two kids IS easy. And everything is solvable. This is why moms should rule the world.

3) I slept. More than I have in 9 months.

4) I drank. More than I have in 9 months.

5) I wore heels. More than I have in 9 months.

6) I dressed up and had fancy hair and fancy bags and fancy clothes (thank you Rent The Runway yet again for that yellow dress, bag and necklace). And it was awesome.

7) I actually got to talk to adults for more than 3 minutes without a mommymommymommyMOMMY in the background. I spent great time with my family and it was something that I’ll never forget.

And when we returned, Ruby had drank all but 3 ounces of the pumped milk. She woke up once a night. And was so happy to see me that she gave me her first FOR REAL arms wrapped tight, head in my neck hug. And it was awesome. G was all, whatever, I have diggers to attend to.

However she grew like 4 more teeth. And yes, she has vampire fangs now. HISSSSSSSSSSS.

We came home on Father’s Day.

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So if I can do it,  you can do it too. So pack up your pump and head out to Dollywood or something weird. You deserve it.

Back to real life. Back to cleaning out the poop from under my nails.

Cinderella is home from the ball. And my prince smells like beer farts.

xoxo

MODG

PS. I will be a bridesmaid in your wedding as well for a small fee. I accept gift cards and cakes.

 

Guys, we survived. Babies, boobs and all the other B things. We made it the 48 hours apart. I…

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Awesome things, babies, how-to

After 2 years, 2 kids, 200 cat naps, I FINALLY beat the cat nap. TAKE THAT CATS.

May 17, 2013

You guys. I have been quiet around here because I feel like as SOON as I put this into legitimate word writings, it will disappear. Like when Britney was all “Slave 4 U” in her matching denim outfits with Justin in public…. POOF Justin’s all, “what comes around goes around”. Whatever, you get it.

Ok I’m going to say it.

Hold your breath.

Ready?

RUBY IS NAPPING.

Wait, I need to say it again. And better.

RUBY IS NAPPING FOR A LONG TIME.

EVERY DAY.

Guys, I did it. And guess what? NO CRYING INVOLVED.

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And LOOK how happy we are about it

Ok I know you’re dying to know. Remember when I wrote this post about G’s napping and how I figured it all out? And 2 years later with baby #2 I write this post saying how that post was bullshit because it didn’t work and I hate myself? Well NOW I’m writing this post saying that the last post was wrong and the post before that was right so this is a post saying how I was wrong about saying that I was wrong and I’m really right.

I mean.

yeah.

Let’s back up.

On my toddlercation, it was my MISSION to get Ruby to sleep. I tried paci, I tried no paci, I tried 2 hours of awake time, I tried 1.5 hours of awake time. I tried nursing to sleep. I tried not nursing to sleep. I tried putting her in her crib awake. I tried putting her in passed out. Nothing was working. We were on 25 minute cat naps every day.

I skyped with my sleep lady.

She’s like: Ok what’s going on?

Me: ican’tdoitanymore! Rubyneversleepsandi’mgoingtodieandGhatesmeandi’msotiredandihavetocookallthethingsandshe’sovertiredandjusttellmewhattodo?!

SL: Um

Me: TELLMEWHATTODOLADY!

And then we went over for hours and hours what could work and what may not work. And here’s the thing guys, I just wanted her to be like, do this and this and put her to bed at this time and bam, sleep. But it’s not like that. Because it’s so shitty but really? Every baby is different. I KNOW IT’S SO CRUEL. They all come from the baby store with no instructions, which is rude enough on it’s own. But now it’s like grab bag of babies. You have to figure it out. Regardless, sleep lady gave me a plan to try. But she was clear that naps are a bitch whore and that whore is nasty and just wants to be paid. Or something.

But this time? It didn’t work. It STILL DIDN’T WORK. Her plan was to try a shorter period of awake time and a long soothing period to calm her down. Sounds good but didn’t work.

So I stopped everything. I cleared my head. I reminded myself that in every major mom problem that I’ve faced, I trusted my gut. And it’s usually worked. My gut was telling me that it wasn’t how she was being put to sleep it was when. And then I remembered the G post. The first G post. I tried it again.

The idea of what worked with G was stretching his awake time. It goes against all logic and every sleep book. But I tried it.

Morning nap we did 3 hours of awake time.  We were at 2. And you know what? That child slept for an hour. I got mildly excited but didn’t believe anything anymore.

Afternoon nap I did another 3 hours of awake time. SHE SLEPT FOR 2 HOURS.

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Because of all the sleep we skipped the 3rd nap and she went to sleep at normal bed time. I should remind you all that we have a few night wake ups still. And if she doesn’t wake up, I set my alarm to feed her. We have some feeding issues that I’ll talk to you about another time.

But guys, this was huge.

Next day, same thing.

NEXT day SAME THING

We were now officially dropping the 3rd nap, extending awake time and she was sleeping like a champ.

The one thing the sleep lady taught me was that when a kid wakes up from a nap, after 30 minutes or really any time. They are usually up. It’s very difficult for them to go back to sleep. And she was right. So I knew this child needed to be tired enough to get through that 30 minute arousal.

Here is our routine broken down for you so you can try it. Don’t ass slap me if it doesn’t work. It didn’t work for us 2 months ago. I think she just had to be a little older. So for the record RUBY IS 6 MONTHS OLD.

Morning wake up 630-730 First nap 10/1030- Around 10:15 change diaper, get in our Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit
(LOVE that thing…it’s a swaddle transitioner), turn down lights, nurse in our chair until very sleepy. Give paci and ghosty (literally the perfect lovey. G has one too and it’s the perfect size).

Wake up around 11- Sleep lady says don’t wake them but I’ve had to for various G outings and it’s been fine.

Second nap 2/230- Same exact routine as first nap.

Wakes 330-4 (!!!!)

Bed time 730/8. Routine is the same but with a bath thrown in the mix and NO paci. I know it seems counter intuitive. But the way their baby brains process night and day sleep is different. She doesn’t wake up 200 times crying for the paci anymore at night because it’s not there to begin with.

And that my friends is our success story.

Please slice my face open when I come back in a week and say it doesn’t work anymore and I’m kicking myself for putting this on the internet. But I know that lots of you are in the same boat. So if you have a 6 month old +, try it.

 

I’ll be sitting here without any kids for 30 more minutes. Because they are sleeping. THEY ARE SLEEEEEEPING

ASKDF;ALKDJSF;ALKDSJF;KALSJF;KASJDF’J

xoxo

MODG

sleep winner

You guys. I have been quiet around here because I feel like as SOON as I put this into…

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