Mommas, Stuff I love, Style

My bestest best on Small Business Saturday. You will thank me.

November 28, 2015

So yesterday, I got in my car and participated in the black friday. It wasn’t as dark and gloomy as I expected a black friday to be. In fact, there was this strange bond between the shoppers. We kind of looked at each other like, yeah, you love this shit just as much as I do. No one understands me like you do, crazy shopper. And so we smiled when we tried to get through a teeny aisle of clothing or we generously held places in line when you realized you HAD to have the white tulle skirt.

Then I was all, black friday is so easy! I’m going to go to KOP mall. BAM. Pie in the face fooled. There were car lines in the street to get to the street that let you into the parking lot. Cars were parked at the businesses across the street. I was NOT interested. So here I am. Boozed up on margs and blogging on my new birthday MAC. My last computer was like an old man eating a ton of Werther’s Originals very.very.very slowly.

Now we are all Keanu Reeves in this joint.

BAM. speed.

So despite what my good hippies say (#buynothingtoday), I’d like to say #buyeverythingtodayjustlikeeveryotherday. I’m not going to discriminate DAYS on which I shop. I shop on all of the days. This day is no different. It’s just another day for you and me in paradise. Paradise. Paradise.

But here we are now on Small Business Saturday. Just like days, I’m an equal opportunity shopper in places as well. However, I have good friends who run small businesses and I see how tough it is and how much time and money they put into it. And doing well puts food on their tables. So today, I’m highlighting my favorite small business. This is run and owned by probably the kindest person on earth. She’s this kind of person:

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really just nonsense, WANA

Fur Wearing Tuesday, genocide and mah birthday.

November 24, 2015

So guess what’s hard? Doing anything.

Since it’s been a solid 2 years since I’ve been regularly writing. I’ve never experienced the actual need to have time to do like, stuff. Like writing here. Because someone wants to shoot me with a laser. Or someone needs to be wiped. Or someone is trying (again) to swallow the Apple TV remote, because…shiny. And so is life now. Right now the kids are home for aseventyhundred days from school because of one unnecessary “holiday.” Sorry Thanksgiving enthusiasts. It’s actually my birthday on that day. What better way to celebrate my birth and genocide?

Ok sorry, I’m in a mood. I’ve had a child in my bed for the better part of all of the dark hours. They are so sneaky about it and then kick my face every 30  minutes. And so I don’t sleep. And so I look like this as I write:

Photo on 2015-11-24 at 12.01

Because 1) it’s cold. 2) stay fancy 3) dark circles.

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Stuff I love

Winner Winners period dinners.

November 17, 2015

bloodyjesusinundies you guys have a lot of period stories. Like every woman in the usaworld. This tells me that if the majority of us have these stories about bleeding through our thongs, this by definition should not be embarrassing, it’s normal! (as I would totally dig a hole and bury myself in shame). I’m trying though guys.

Ok. I could not pick just one winner out of 240 period stories. Here are the winners of the Thinx.

Winners email me at modgblog at gmail

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Mommas, Stuff I love

Undies for periods and panties for no one ever because that word is not acceptable.

November 10, 2015


How does one describe the first time they see the stars in the darkest night?

How does one describe the first vision of their newborn child?

How does one describe period undies?


So, we’re going to talk underwear. Please note, we are NOT talking ‘panties’. That will be the first and last time that ‘word’ is uttered on this blog. Thank you. Moving on.

Back to underwear. We’re talking about it. We’re also talking about periods, vaginas, bodily fluids, female organs. If you are male and have any issue with this, grow a pair of balls, grow up and notify no one. Thank you. Again, moving on.

So you all know that I’m a floating member of the hippie community. I pop in and out for some tea and kefir when I can. A popular talk with my people is periods and the like. Do you use the cup? Do you use pads? Do you sit on hay for a week? See, apparently tampons have some shit in them that you don’t want sitting in your vag for a week. Here’s what I say to that: 80/20 rule and tampons for me fall in the 20. Sorry hippies.

I once got in an argument with my Women’s Studies Professor about periods. She said that our culture and society shame us as women for our periods. Possibly. But if I cut my finger, I put on a bandaid. Blood is red. Fact. My skirt is DVF. Fact. So I am, always have been, team tampon. I’m also team back up liner because guys, DVF.

My period DOES NOT PLAY. It gives me about a day’s warning. It’s like, “um excuse me, we are coming. Here is our friend light brown stuff to warn you.” Then later that day it’s like, “ok, you’re clearly ignoring me. Dark brown stuff is here.” THEN it’s like, OH this is how it’s going to be.” And it squeezes the F out of my uterus until I’m doubled over, shaking the entire bottle of Advil into my mouth and sending B to the store for the orange tampons. If you know the orange tampons then your are in my sad sad period club. The period club of doom. It laughs at your “cup”. It scoffs at your “regular flow tampon” (um, offensive REGULARS).


Why do I tell you all of this? Because you need to know to understand.

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small beings

No More Naps. A tale of terror and ponies.

November 9, 2015

Do you feel like we have to get to know each other all over again? Like I’m the old boyfriend from years ago who you just ran into. There’s still that spark but he has a goatee and is seemingly now a Brony? And he’s like, “well she has 4 cats now and colors. So…”  But maybe it will still work. Because despite ponies and crayons, true love prevails.

I mean, I’m not the mom with the babies anymore trying to figure shit out about poop. Now I’m just wiping it off of walls. I’m not consulting the nap gods anymore because MF-ING GUESS WHAT?



Take a breath and let me know when you’re back.

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Mommas, Style, Toilets

Pop Quiz: What’s hotter, solar flares or flare jeans? OBVIOUSLY…

November 3, 2015

Guys, there’s a lot of realness in this post. We’re talking living life correctly. We’re talking flares (all kinds). We’re talking about you don’t need no man helping you outta yo business (make some noise). And we’re talking toilets. Not just toilets, toilet problems.

So let’s all put our serious hats on. Mine has a feather. And let’s get down to it.

While I was “away” (that’s what the Italians call “being in prison), I had filed away important things that we had to discuss upon my return. Things that I NEEDED you all to know. This is one of those things.

So jeans. JEANS. A necessary evil in my book. IF IF IF you find the right pair, your life becomes full of golden justin timberlakes and pez. But finding THAT pair is like finding a golden justin timerblake pez dispenser. Not easy. Usually though, jeans end up squeezing your fat like an aggressive toddler mainlining toothpaste (side eye Ruby).  Or the are juuust short enough to be wrong. Or juuust low enough to show your ass crack. Or maybe they are juuuust tight enough in the rise to show your fortune cookie. Oh and forget it if you’re short. You will always have to pay another 20 bucks minimum to have your designated tailor hem them. Then you PRAY that she gets it right.

Jeans are an asshole’s asshole.

But guys, here’s the thing. I’ve found a loop hole. Oh yes I have.

First of all we all need to accept that skinny jeans are not ok. I mean, yes they are ok in a very specific sort of outfit kind of way. But jesuschrist enough already with the skinny jeans. I feel like a stuffed cat in a pipe in them. They are never comfortable. And I usually look like I have peanut legs.

Enter this season’s glorious wonderous throwback trend


Guys, no lie, I’ve been talking about, googling, searching, loving, living flares so much that solar flares regularly pop up in my facebook feed:


But I agree guys, flares are that impactful.

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