Hi guys. It’s me.
I’ve been thinking about how this would go and what I would say to you at this moment for months now. I’d form a few sentences and then find myself rambling and scrap the whole thing. This went on and on as I’d dry my hair at night, as I’d fall asleep, as I’d attempt to watch American Idol. But nothing seemed right.
I owe you an explanation. I know that. I need to tell you where I’ve been. Why I left you hanging. But the answer isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be.
I started this blog on July 29th, 2009. The post was titled “I thought breast pumps were shoes, truth”. And now I just spent the better part of 2013 exclusively pumping for my second child. So that should give you a pretty good picture of how much life has changed in almost 5 years.
I’m a mom to two kids. And those two kids are my air and stars and sunshine and gummy bears. And as 2014 is taking shape, I’m finally starting to see a small glimmer of an adult life creeping back in as well. A small part of me that includes wine, dates, shopping, friends and DVR. It’s a happy little sparkle that can cozy right up next to my gummy bears.
However, getting to this point has been a tough road. We haven’t had the easiest of paths. We’ve faced a number of challenges as all parents do. We all choose to handle these challenges differently. To add to our challenges, I’ve struggled with anxiety for the better part of my life. I was the kid in kindergarten throwing up before school because I was too nervous for show and tell. Now, as a mother, my anxiety showed it’s ugly little face again. And it’s been a challenge to balance the natural worry that we all feel for our kids with unnatural levels of anxiety.
As I’ve shared our stories with moms that I meet at school, or elsewhere, the one common thread that I find is that almost all of us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We all worry about our inadequacies day in and day out. I was talking to a very cool, “with it” mom of 3 kids who said she battles guilt every day that she just isn’t doing it right. Or that it just isn’t enough. And I could totally relate. We all can.
There is nothing in this world that I love more than my kids. My DVR is like a FAR second. And I can’t think of anything scarier than screwing them up. We all have issues and we all think that we are heinous fat beasts who are emotionally scarred from flushing a pet down the toilet. And we all want to do everything we can to give our kids a better shot at being less F’d up than we are. But it’s hard because you really just don’t know. It’s like this huge, long, detailed experiment that you won’t get the results from until 18 years have gone by and it’s too late to fix any major errors. We’re just all kind of crossing our fingers, reading books and blogs and huffington post articles that promise us that IF WE DO X, Y WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK.
But here we are. And you want to know still, where I have gone. Why haven’t I been here. Why hasn’t it seemed like I care about my readers who have been with me for 5 years. Why did I neglect everything I worked so hard on for so long? Why did this little corner of the internet fall apart under my watch?
I’m not the person anymore who started this blog. I think that is obvious. However, I’ve always tried to stay very true to the tone of this blog. I wanted the message to always be honesty, whether it was pretty or ugly. Truth whether it was favorable or not. And my life as unfiltered as possible.
But that message is harder for me to convey as a parent. It’s easy to convey confidence as you detail your nap on the kitchen floor after your 8th martini when you’re 24. It’s less easy to talk about your children and parenting choices, and hear criticism about you as a parent.
Because it’s so much more important.
I’m not going to put this on you guys or really anyone else except me. I am pretty hard on myself as a mother. And my anxieties can get the best of me. And it started getting to a point that I dreaded the ding of my email as comments came in from this blog. I used to love the interaction, now I just waited for the criticism.
Many of you said, just don’t talk about the controversial stuff. Believe it or not, I don’t. If that gives you an idea of how controversial our choices may seem. The criticism came from posts that I least expected. And sometimes just due to the tone of my writing.
Many of you said, if you can’t take it, you shouldn’t have a blog.
Maybe you are right.
Because I can’t take it.
So the question becomes: What now? Do I continue blogging but just not talk about the kids? I tried that. The blog became sort of inauthentic and distant. Not what I wanted.
How do I blog without the unfiltered honesty that I’ve always maintained as the tone for this blog?
These are hard questions that I STILL don’t have the answer to. And I’m figuring it out.
Will I quit? Will I go on? Will I start a new blog? I don’t know yet.
I’m closing the comments on this post. Because I’m ashamed to say that I’m still afraid of the feedback.
I wanted to let you all know though that we are ok. I appreciate all of your emails. If you still want to keep up with us, I do maintain my instagram account for now “modgblog”.
I promise I won’t be gone for good. I just don’t know what it will look like when I’m back.
sparkles, loves and peace signs out your butt,