Ruby vs. The Sleep. One has come out on top.

Maybe I should always include a giveaway in my controversial posts. Maybe I should also specifically instruct everyone to not be an asshole in the comments regularly. I say this because ALL 328 comments left on the last post were supportive, positive and encouraging. Thank you for that.

Let’s get something clear people, whether a mom formula feeds, breast feeds, co-sleeps, cries it out, feeds solids at 4 months or 14 months, every one of those moms really thinks they are doing the best thing for their kid. And not like, sort of best thing for their kid but secretly good for mom too. No really like, best thing for their kid.

DSC_0069

 

The mom who feeds their kids solids early may think that their kid will sleep better and be a happier  healthier baby who will meet milestones faster. The mom who feeds formula may have a baby who gets eczema and diarrhea from breast milk and they just want their baby better. And the mom who cries it out probably just wants their baby to sleep better and this solution was the last straw. NOT the first option. I’m guessing that mom, me included, rocked their baby 4 thousand times, replaced paci’s 7070 times, co-slept and straight up held the child for hours on end. But something had to give. Because maybe that mom has a toddler too who needs their mom. And that baby just needs to sleep.

Do I sound extra explainy? I know. That’s because I got a lot of flack for the last post. Not from you guys who read, and know me. I’ll just leave it at that. But it was brutal and not fair.

So this is another PSA to remind us all (myself included) to NOT JUDGE MOMS. I’m looking at you hippies.

There is a new breed of hippie out there. Not the peace and love ones but one I’ll call the hippie snob. The hippie who turns up their nose at formula moms or cry it out moms and say things like…oh this makes my heart hurt (or much much worse). Because they think the rest of us just don’t know any better. And it reeks of judgey.

As a card carrying scoby growing, kombucha drinking, muscle tested hippie, I’m ashamed of this group. It’s giving us all a bad name. Because you can be a hippie mom and have to make tough choices. And this is ok. Because every single one of us IS TRYING TO DO THE BEST THING FOR OUR KIDS. So worry about you and your kids and not mine and not hers or hers or HERS.

With that being said, here’s what’s been going on in the MODG house.

Night 1: Nursed Ruby to very very sleepy, put her in the crib without paci. She cried. A lot. I went in at 5 minutes “it’s ok Ruby, I’m here in the next room, you’re doing so great. I’m so proud of you. Close your eyes and rest. I love you”. Then again in 5 minutes. Then again in 10 minutes. And then she was asleep.

Naps the next day we didn’t do any crying. My sleep lady and I didn’t think it was fair to throw her all in at once and we wanted her to be well rested for the sleep learning at night. So I rocked, and paci’d and nursed.  All crap naps all day.

**This is when I got the flack for my last post and as MUCH as I wanted to brush it off. It stuck with me. Because no mom who ever hears their child cry thinks “this is awesome!”. No, it’s hard. But change in general is hard. So when people are telling me I’m a horrible mother, it’s creeping in. And for that reason…night 2 happened.

Night 2: Nursed to drowsy, put her in the crib. She cries. I gave her the paci. I caved with the criticism ringing in my ears. She went to sleep. Now you may think: well all that matters is that she’s sleeping right? No the point is for her to learn to self soothe. And when that paci falls out, who is going to be there at 1am 2am 3am 4am 5am 6am to put it back? You? Oh ok, cool.

Naps the next day status quo. Crap.

Night 3: I got a virtual kick in the ass from my sleep lady who told me the WORST thing I can do is not send a consistent message. It’s confusing to a baby why sometimes they get the paci and sometimes they don’t. She’s totally right and I want this to be as easy on her as possible. No paci. Checked in 5 minutes, another 5. Asleep.

Naps still a bitch

Night 4: Nursed, no paci and NO CRYING. SHE IS HAPPY IN HER CRIB. SHE IS BABBLING. SHE IS ASLEEP IN 5 MINUTES. SHE SELF SOOTHED. You guys, she did it.

DSC_0045

I want to point out that I included 2 dream feeds throughout each night and if she woke up any more times, I went in and nursed her. The purpose of the crying was just to get her to learn how to sleep on her own. Ruby’s weight hasn’t been where is should be so it’s important that she gets lots of night milk too, which I’m sort of whatever fine with.

But that my friends, is what cry it out can look like. It’s not always putting baby in a room and walking away. In my opinion, it’s the most gentle way of teaching a baby about sleep.

Next we need to tackle naps. We are still cat nappers. And it’s GD torture. And the poor little thing is so tired by the end of the day.

So let’s recap people.

Don’t judge a mom by her cover. Judge her by her mom jeans.

Just kidding.

sort of.

_____________________

And the winner of the super duper mother’s day necklace from Adorn 512 is from a commenter who was so supportive and so positive and so thoughtful in her comment, that it really helped me through a difficult week. And for that reason, she is the winner of the necklace. She is more than deserving. Jaime, email me at modgblog at gmail dot com.

Jaime May 4, 2013 at 2:41 pm
It seems like you might need some encouragement from someone who has a bit of distance from this issue, because that is all I have to offer, but I can’t give you any sleep back.
My kids are 14 (boy) and 16 (girl). They are right this minute on a “bro-date” going to lunch and comic book stores for free comic day while I am home sick. They hang out all the time and set aside time for each other on purpose. I have been down the road you are on and I have to tell you to stick with it.
It doesn’t seem like it right this minute, but what you are trying to teach your kids is to be self-reliant. This is the very beginning of that journey. Get your kid to learn she won’t die if she goes to sleep by herself. The other thing that happens completely by accident at the exact same time is: you learn your kid can sleep by herself without you and no one will die.
These kinds of things are going to keep coming up and you’ll have to keep deciding when the right time is. When my daughter turned 16 she wasn’t quite ready to drive our car, which is a stick shift, alone. We talked. We agreed. We kept working at it. Then one day, I handed her the keys and asked her to use all she has learned and do her best to be safe and responsible. She wasn’t all the way ready – she never will be – and neither will I, but there is a day you have to say you’ve gotten everything I can show you and now it is time.
My daughter is going to college in a year. While a part of me thinks that I’d love for her to be useless without me so I could always be there for everything, what I really want to do is send a confident, smart, lovely girl into the world and hope she can rely on herself because I showed her that she can.
So, ditch the pacifier, bungee your boobs down if you have to, get earplugs and get started. You have to commit and not look back and remember the goal is about her. She will only cry louder and longer if you cave in. This isn’t about convenience or cruelty and everyone will benefit from it. Keep up the good fight.

 

Sleepy baby love,

MODG

 

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POSTED IN: babies,hippie stuff,Mom Stuff,You think you know but you have no idea

{ 112 comments }

Genevieve May 8, 2013 at 8:54 pm

You can judge an action while still knowing a mom loves her baby. Like spanking, I can totally jusge. Circ, yep, judging that. Doesn’t mean I think you are a bad mom but CIO is still bad for your daughter long term. That’s just scientifically valid. I am a long time reader and rare posted/commenter whatever but here’s the deal: I judge the action, not the heart behind it.

MODG May 8, 2013 at 8:58 pm

I wouldn’t lump spanking or abuse into categories like cry it out…that’s really not ok. It’s not scientifically valid to cause any damage, at all. You’re talking to one well researched chick. And what you are doing is judging. And it’s only hurting yourself and your kids, who are also learning to judge.

Lauren May 8, 2013 at 9:06 pm

Judging the action IS judging the person. If you think that CIO is “still bad for your daughter long term” then you think that the person who decides to allow their child to CIO is a) cruel b) uninformed or c) a combination of both. Someone can be neither cruel nor uninformed and still make different decisions than you do. Kind of like when people who disagree in politics automatically assume that the other side is ignorant and uninformed…or maybe they just disagree with you?

I’m sure you don’t mean to be judgmental, so I’ll just judge your judging, rather than the heart behind it

Lauren May 8, 2013 at 9:08 pm

That comment was directed at Genevieve in case that wasn’t clear.

I certainly do not judge spanking, or circumcision, or CIO, or formula or breast feeding. Sometimes I do judge people who sit on their high horse though.

MODG May 8, 2013 at 9:10 pm
Britt May 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm

MODG, my mom let me CIO. I am now a fully grown 24 year old adult who has no serious illnesses or mental issues. I am the proof that CIO babies can be perfectly normal with no long-term side effects.

Anne May 8, 2013 at 9:52 pm

Ugh, the judge up there. I have 3 kids, 4.5, 3, and 19 months. All products of a little CIO. All delightful, smart, funny, well attached to both my husband and I, as well as each other, fully able to show love…and son of a gun, they SLEEP!! Well!! Every single night!! After a simple bedtime routine they go to sleep with NO PROBLEMS at all, sleep through the night, and wake up well rested in the morning. Many times in life the hard thing to do might be the right thing. You don’t like CIO, awesome. Don’t do it. Mommy wars are so old. And you’re talking to another well researched mama here. Back off.

Mrs. Plank May 8, 2013 at 10:19 pm

I want to punch Genevieve in the vag hole for her comment! My kid cried it out, gets spankings AND had to be on formula. I will parent the way i need to and you can too. When you walk a mile in my shoes you can give me your opinion on my choices. Genevieve, unfortunately we don’t all know everything as you seem to think you do. Maybe you’ve never heard about that “glass house”? I hope someday yours doesn’t shatter from all the stones you are throwing .

Kari May 8, 2013 at 10:55 pm

You blog on the internet. An open forum. People are going to say whatever they want about what you write and that’s just fine because if you’re allowed to put it out there, so are they. Number one, why do you give fuck what perfect strangers think about how you parent? Just do want you want without all the explaining. You get all sensi in your posts the minute someone shares their opinion. People can think and say whatever they want and because it’s the internet they’re gonna share it. Deal with it and get back to being old MODG that doesn’t give a shit. Congrats on getting your babe to sleep…last I checked that was your goal and you succeeded.

allisen May 9, 2013 at 10:19 am

The research shows, more and more, that sleep matters A LOT. And kids need a lot of it. Good for you for helping your little one get the rest she needs.

Tia May 8, 2013 at 9:10 pm

This is not helpful…for anyone. You are judging the person, even if you claim not to be. You missed the whole point of this post. What might be best for your family is not necessarily the same path for another. It’s your kind of thinking that has good moms second guessing themselves when they shouldn’t be. Congrats MODG on your success. Parenting is hard, but you are doing a good job!

Mary May 8, 2013 at 9:10 pm

I agree. I believe that people have the right to (respectfully) disagree. And whole heartedly believe that CIO, formula, and circumcision hurt babies.

Godspeed.

MODG May 8, 2013 at 9:14 pm

I believe that the weight of those big flowers on headbands hurts babies.

Godspeed.

Tia May 8, 2013 at 9:29 pm

Ahhh…I LOVE this reply.

Nora K May 8, 2013 at 10:02 pm

I judge people who put giant flowers and bows on baby heads.

Michelle May 8, 2013 at 10:17 pm

That reply was amazing. If you’re doing nothing else right , you are doing a great job in the humor department. Also, I let both of my kids CIO – they’re almost 3 and 7 months. My daughter tells me she loves me everyday and my son still seems to at least like me ; ). I even sometimes lose my shit when we can’t get out the door in a timely manner and lock myself in the bathroom for timeouts. We’re all human. You’re doing a great job! To each his own.

Kate S. May 9, 2013 at 10:26 am

Best reply ever.

Katie E. May 8, 2013 at 9:46 pm

Soooooo, if you have to take meds to say, not DIE right after the birth of your child, and those meds make your breastmilk poisonous to infants, and your newborn is being fed formula by his big, bare-chested daddy (for kangaroo care, because he was having some issues all on his own) then you are hurting your baby. Mary….you are an ignorant asshole. You are lumping every single circumstance into the “this hurts babies” category without actually thinking. You are “just being a hippy”. No, you are just being lazy, and relying on a false generalization. Here’s what you aren’t thinking of…by the time your kid is in college, no one will be able to tell if he or she was bottle or breast fed. And…here’s the hard thing for people like you to grasp….NO ONE WILL CARE! There are greater tragedies in life than children who have loving parents who are trying to do what is right. Take your “hippie love” and misplaced anger and use it for good. Go to Africa and work with the WHO. Go to the ghetto and teach teens how to care for their children. Be useful.

heatheradair May 9, 2013 at 10:23 am

Er….as a baby who cried-it-the-hell-out 30-some odd years ago, I can attest that, aside from:

1 — wearing beer goggles for most of my 20’s
2 — legitimately loving Lana Del Rey, and
3 — once having a Pete Campbell sex fantasy

I turned out pretty damn fine, and — apparently — my parents were neither monsters nor stupid: they were just parents trying to create a smart kid who could look after herself and appreciate bad pop music. And they succeeded. I’m a healthy, happy, karaoke maniac who manages to support herself, hold down a job, buy a house, get hitched. Even with allllllll of that crying they let me do.

Cindy May 8, 2013 at 9:13 pm

There is absolutely no scientifically validated proof that CIO harms babies long term. The studies were done to children who were left for long periods of time over long periods of time — as in, severely NEGLECTED — not to children whose thoughtful parents were sleep training using thoughtful, proven methods.

MODG, keep doing what your doing. Your babies will be better off because they will sleep better and grow better and be healthier overall. Also very important, you will be better rested and have higher patience for all that life throws your way — which your children will appreciate!

lbterp May 8, 2013 at 10:04 pm

Fuck the haters (side eye Genevieve) — do what you gotta do. You are a GREAT mom, and obviously so devoted to your kids and their well being.

Genevieve May 8, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Gah, feel free to judge for fat fingers on my phone :p

allison @goodmorningclementine May 8, 2013 at 8:58 pm

I’ve tried everything with my daughter and she simply loves to fight sleep. She has since we brought her home from the hospital and honestly I think I’m taking the easy route by not letting her cry. Not because her crying breaks my heart but because I’m so tired & I feel so awful at 9, 11, 1, 330, & 530 am so I get up, nurse and bounce her back to sleep because it’s faster than letting her cry. I need to be as close to the top of my game in order to provide for her and right now that’s what works for us. I think it’ll come to a point where I have to let her CIO with as much support as I can provide her through the process but you’re right, we all are just doing what we think is right!

I love this post.

Krista May 8, 2013 at 9:05 pm

I loved that comment when I first read it last week. It is always nice to hear from moms with older kids who have been through all of this crap and have some perspective. So glad she won!

Jaime – any wisdom re: spirited two year kids and incessant tantrums? :)

Rebecca May 9, 2013 at 9:09 am

I too love the comment you picked, totally deserving of the necklace. Way to go Jaime!

Lauren May 8, 2013 at 9:05 pm

Judging the action IS judging the person. If you think that CIO is “still bad for your daughter long term” then you think that the person who decides to allow their child to CIO is a) cruel b) uninformed or c) a combination of both. Someone can be neither cruel nor uninformed and still make different decisions than you do. Kind of like when people who disagree in politics automatically assume that the other side is ignorant and uninformed…or maybe they just disagree with you?

I’m sure you don’t mean to be judgmental, so I’ll just judge your judging, rather than the heart behind it :)

kate c May 8, 2013 at 9:07 pm

You are doing what is best for your baby! I swore up and down before I had children that I would NEVER do the cry it out method, but after many many many sleepless nights and a baby who could not self soothe I caved and with a recommendations from the pediatrician gave the cry it out method a try, and it worked! Took some time, but he learned how to self soothe without needing me as his human pacifier. He is now a HAPPY, HEALTHY, SMART sleeps 7pm to 7am PERFECT CHILD! Hatas gonna hate…

kate c May 8, 2013 at 9:24 pm

Also check out 90 minute sleep solution for naps!

Erin May 8, 2013 at 9:08 pm

Huzzah, go Ruby! And yay for you, MODG. I also think that a lot of the hippie community has gone from “love everyone” to “love only those who do what I say is right…the rest of you suck huge balls.” Not cool. You’re amazeballs!

Hillary May 8, 2013 at 9:09 pm

You are awesome. The situation is not. But you are awesome. There were a couple nights I let him cry for 45 minutes while I cried in the other room. It was not great. It was terrible. But I couldn’t sustain a commute and a full time job on 4 hours sleep. And so cry it out we did. And at age 2 he’s a rock star sleeper. Lets be honest: we all secretly judge other mothers. It’s human nature. It doesn’t mean we have to say those things out loud. We all feel like we’re doing the best we can and sometimes we feel like we’re the worst parents ever but we are trying to cope in the only way we know how. Hang in there.

Nikki V May 8, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Yay Ruby!! Screw the judgy judgers, you don’t need that kind of stress. As Ruby’s mom you do what’s best for Ruby and yourself! A mom who’s ready to lose her mind isn’t going to be good for anyone. As my daughter is quickly approaching her 1st birthday more than one friend has (kind of jokingly, but not really) told me that the 1st birthday is more for the parents, you have a party to celebrate that you have kept them alive and didn’t go too crazy doing it.

Laura C May 8, 2013 at 9:15 pm

Jaime’s comment is so, so lovely. CIO is way behind us but I still needed to read that, all day every day. Thanks for reposting it, Modg.

Isabelle May 8, 2013 at 9:17 pm

MODG

We did CIO with my first daughter when she was 7 months old. We tried everything before then and nothing worked except for nursing. It was wearing on me at the time CIO was my last option. She caught on after 5 or 6 days each night the crying would last a shorter amount of time. I then too started with consistent naps. I have to say I completely agree with you and Sleep Lady. Getting a good nights rest is key, she will then be more apt to be just tired enough for her morning nap and not OVERTIRED. As a recommendation; we watched our daughter Kennedy, now 9, for the rubbing of the eyes, a yawn or any sleep cue 1:30- 2 hrs after wake up time for the first nap. Once this came routine, she had the hang of it and bam we carved out the morning nap and did the same for the afternoon nap. Guess what? I have a perfectly healthy 9 year old girl who is HAPPY, plays violin and soccer and excels at school. Yup I am bragging, point is she is NOT scarred for life! Carry on with Queen Ruby! I promise you won’t regret it! Its tough to remove yourself mentally from the situation, I had to put the dishwasher on to have another noise to listen to. . Good Luck Lady!!

Sara May 8, 2013 at 9:20 pm

That comment is glorious. Party on, Garth.

Also, let’s please call a spade a spade. If you’re a mom, and you’re making another mom feel like she is doing a crap job at being a mom, you’re a dick. A stubby, chodey chodeface dick. I had to supplement with formula from day 2 of my child being alive, because my boobs made barely enough milk. I tried all the shit, literally ALL OF THE SHIT. Herbs, cookies, power-pumping, nursing all damn day to the point that I left my nursing chair to pee and that’s it, etc, and still- bupkiss.

I went to a breastfeeding group for help, where most of the women were super supportive and encouraging and told me I was doing great. But one of them was a complete turd hippie and told me repeatedly that I was giving my son “poison”. Word of advice- if you are the type of person that is going to tell a mom that is very clearly already struggling with a crapload of guilt and anxiety and crying in front of you that she is poisoning her child, or some otherwise shitty thing, go fuck yourself. Stop what you’re doing, walk somewhere with a little privacy, and go fuck yourself. Dicks.

MODG May 8, 2013 at 9:22 pm

MODG likes this.

Elaine May 8, 2013 at 9:26 pm

WORD. Let’s have a playdate Sara. I think I’m in love with you.

Shy May 8, 2013 at 9:45 pm

Couldn’t possibly agree more <3

Katie E. May 8, 2013 at 9:49 pm

Sara is awesome!

Regina May 8, 2013 at 10:16 pm

Well said, Sara!

Allison May 9, 2013 at 1:20 pm

Sing it sister! I had the exact same situation. I stopped going to my new mom’s “support” group for the same reason. Being a mom is HARD. We should all give each other a break.

Go MODG!

Elaine May 8, 2013 at 9:23 pm

Unbelievable that after what you wrote the FIRST FREAKIN COMMENT WAS JUDGY. You can give me all the ‘scientific CIO’ isn’t good for them bullcrap but from my experience, it did wonders for my girls vs. my brother who did not CIO and they all slept in the same bed. No one got sleep, his kids couldn’t concentrate in school and they were just miserable after noon. But you know what? I didn’t judge him for that because him and my sis in law both work and they were too tired to CIO. And you know what? THAT’S OKAY. So please if you’re going to judge, just stay up there on your pedestal and keep it to yourself. Because all you’re doing is making another loving mom feel bad about her choices and that’s always wrong. Maybe stop worrying about what everyone else is doing wrong and brush up on a little compassion and understanding for a fellow mom.

Elaine May 8, 2013 at 9:25 pm

Oh and I was CIO’d too..and lookee here, I’m just fine, I love my mom, I love my dad, I’ve been happily married for 15 years, I don’t have abandonment issues… you keep doing what you’re doing MODG – Ruby and the whole family will benefit from this rest.

Lauren @ T&G May 8, 2013 at 9:26 pm

I think my advice was something along the lines of don’t assume the sleep training is going to be horrific. Sounds like it wasn’t, and I am super happy for yall! I did my best to defend sleep training against the “backlash” that you referred to, because that seriously was insane. The worst part about the crazies is that they think their way of parenting provides and teaches a better understanding of love and comfort to their children (which I mostly agree with). But wtf kind of message are you sending to your kids about being gentle and loving when you act like the biggest asshole ever to strangers who are clearly doing their best.

Care May 8, 2013 at 9:26 pm

I love the headband comment from MODG. I couldn’t agree more.

Leyna May 8, 2013 at 9:28 pm

For all the Judgy McJudgerson’s: 1) The research against CIO and elevated cortisol levels, abandonment issues, etc., does not really apply here. Research for MODG’s kind of gentle CIO–if it means well-rested baby and mommy and family–is ambivalent at worst and actually tends to support doing this kind of CIO. I’m too lazy to cite right now (typing one-handed with baby and wine nearby), but look it up yourself. It’s legit. 2) Unless you’ve personally cared for and sleep-trained 1,000 babies with different temperaments, you have a shit sample size for any study or personal experience that makes you think you have the sleep answer for all babies. I have 3 kids and have tried it all except hardcore abandonment CIO, and I’m still learning. But what I DO know with certainty is that all babies are different, they can all need very different things, and NO ONE knows my babies better than me. And no one knows what Ruby needs more than her mama does.

Sjl May 8, 2013 at 9:29 pm

Thank you for this post. So much judgey has come from my family and friends because my husband and I chose CIO. And it was so effective. And so worth it. And our family is so much saner because we ALL sleep. Your more gentle CIO method sounds amazing (going in to check on her periodically). Anyway, I knew it was the right choice for us, but its always validating to hear that others have had success with CIO as well. You’re right, we’re not horrible parents. In fact, we’re really thoughtful parents who are looking out for the long-term interests of the family unit as a whole. Again, thanks.

Dana May 8, 2013 at 9:32 pm

My 3 year old just woke up after sleeping an hour (in my bed…still!) and I was laying there with him thinking that I WISH I had followed through with CIO when he was a baby. I just couldn’t do it and I am still exhausted and paying for it. He is really a poor sleeper and still doesn’t really know how to self soothe or that he will be fine sleeping alone. And now he is so old I have no idea how to convince him of it..so you go girl, the science goes both ways and most kids I know who CIO are more independent and great sleepers.

Sarah @ Bend it Like Becker May 8, 2013 at 9:38 pm

WOO HOO! Winning! I read this terrific analogy in Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child– you’ve probably heard it already but it really put things in perspective and changed my thinking on CIO– but it said basically to imagine if your baby wanted to eat glue or wanted to play in the street. Even if they cried their face off you’d never in a million years give in, because it was a matter of their health. People forget that sleep is a HEALTH thing and needs prioritized. Go you. The first commenter is a turd.

Anne May 8, 2013 at 10:02 pm

YES!! I love that book, and tell people all the time that the right quality and quantity of sleep is for their HEALTH!! Do you give in to crying when they want candy instead of vegetables? GASP, their crying might raise cortisol levels and now your kid HATES you and is destined for a life of crime! Please.

Leftpinky May 8, 2013 at 9:40 pm

MODG, you are the bravest just for putting your parenting decisions out there for the judgies, who often have the loudest voices. The fact that you shared your experience will help others who are going through the same issues and are only hearing from the BESTMOMs about all they are doing wrong. CIO is not for everyone, and nor is any decision made by a parent. I can’t understand why so many people feel they have to out-parent the rest of us. My kids are awesome so I must be doing ok. So are you MODG!

april May 8, 2013 at 9:41 pm

I’m so glad you are seeing positive results with Ruby’s ability to self soothe and sleep! Listen, as a mother, if you love your child you are going to do what YOU feel is best for him/her. Sometimes we make mistakes along the way, but that is a part of this whole parenting gig. When my husband was deployed, my son would not nap in his crib and would scream his pretty little head off. No naps would make him so tired and it put him over the edge. Then, he would wake up for the day between 3:30 am-4:30 am for the day. I had no family around and did it by myself for 8 long months. Let me tell you, I let him CIO for naps and I cried along with him because it broke my heart. But I was so unbelievably tired and with both of us being exhausted all day every day I needed things to change. I simply could not be a good mother on the little sleep I was getting. It was more important for me to get my sleep and teach my son to self soothe than to avoid letting him cry it out. It worked eventually and guess what? He is a happy, healthy, awesome sleeper at the age of 3. So for all of you who judge (and I mean all you “hippies” who judge MODG), get off your effing high horse and get a life. In general people don’t care what you do with your children (myself especially) and so you really should not care what others do with theirs. We really need to start either: a) being more supportive to one another or b) shutting our mouths when we disagree with another mom’s way of parenting. Negativity just makes you look like an ignorant a-hole! If you can’t support someone or find something positive to say to help in a difficult situation then do not say anything at all ( or do not come to someone’s blog and be negative).

Chrissy May 8, 2013 at 9:41 pm

I love the comment of the winner- beautiful and true. Great wisdom for newer moms like us. I so appreciate your honesty in sharing a really modified CIO approach which isn’t really true ‘crying it out’- you are teaching your daughter how to sleep. I am tucking this story away to be encouragement for when my daughter arrives in August and we’re about 6 months in. :) Thank you MODG!

Shy May 8, 2013 at 9:41 pm

Oh Sara that was perfect! Ha! There are certainly some dick moms out there apparently. I am truly amazed by the balls of people. Truly. People think that since they can hide behind a computer screen they can blast their oozie of bullshit at others & it’s truly a shame to society – not just moms, that’s another topic completely but for real, have some damn respect! I am all for CIO/Ferber in the exact way you are doing it, Modg. Worked wonders for us when my son was almost a year old & still not sleeping worth a shit & still on the boob. Sometimes I feel like you are a smidge too hippie for my taste but I’m glad in the end you went with your gut & you did what is needed for your entire family… not because this was best for you or even Ruby but for everyone! Oh & my son is circumcised AND I supplemented with formula a little at the end of nursing… The first commenter & her followers can send me my scarlet letter if needed. Peace to everyone. Dick moms included.

Marissa May 8, 2013 at 9:48 pm

MODG
I have an 8 month old who is a pretty crappy sleeper. As a newborn, R slept like a champ. The older he got, however, it got much worse. We battled with nursing due to my over supply and strong letdown, then fought with pretty bad reflux for awhile. Now that is all under control. R,though, is refusing to sleep anywhere but in our arms or in our bed. We just moved too so I know that he’s a little confused, but both my husband and I work so we need our rest. I’m still breast feeding R and don’t want to night wean, but I am at the point where controlled CIO is pretty much our last option. With Ruby, how often are you feeding at night? Just once or twice? Or every single time she wakes? I’m really worried that R will completely wean if we cut out the feelings since I can’t nurse him every day, all day because of work. He is gaining really well and his dr isn’t concerned if he night weans but I don’t think he or I are ready for that yet. Any advice you, or anyone, could give me would be greatly appreciated. I’m seriously sleep deprived at this point.
Marissa

Emily May 9, 2013 at 12:15 am

Check out the Sleep Easy Solution.
I used a modified version on kid 1 and to the letter in kid 2- worked amazingly well.
I’m a full time working mom, was back at work when kid 2 was 5 weeks old and so had similar worries about weaning any actual breast feeds. I did wean those night feeds when he was 8 months and he nurses another 4 months until one day he just seemed to be done. I think I actually produced more milk once we stopped night feeds bc I had rest and my body was more up to the challenge.
Good luck!

Jenn May 8, 2013 at 9:50 pm

Modg, you are doing what’s best for your family and little Ruby. Keep it up. Being a Mama is hard work. I try to remember the saying ‘ be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle.’ I think Mama’s ( including myself) should keep that in mind before judging anyone. You are awesome and thank you for being honest.

nevena May 8, 2013 at 9:54 pm

Oh, I’m so glad to hear that it just took a few days! What a relief. Good work. Ruby looks thrilled with her newly-learned skillz.

Katie E. May 8, 2013 at 9:54 pm

Marissa, I don’t know what your baby’s appetite is, but I would say the gentle CIO sounds like a winner. It sounds a lot like what we did with our youngest and he was able to get sorted out within a week. Think 7 days to make or break a habit with babies or toddlers. As for night feeds, I know that my oldest was down to one at night by 8 mo, but my youngest had already weaned. I think that if you get him to going to sleep on his own, he may sleep better, and the night feeds will probably resolve. Also evaluate if he is actually eating, or if he is just kind of snacking. If his second night feed is just a snack you may be able to soothe him to sleep without nursing. Good luck!

Nora K May 8, 2013 at 9:57 pm

I LOVE Jaime’s comment.
CIO is not easy…but we did it and now my two year old gets a few cuddles and then we say goodnight. He’s two, so it’s not without a little battle, but he does climb into bed and falls asleep ON HIS OWN. I would lose my mind if I had to lay with him every night until he falls asleep. I do have friends that have to do that, and to be completely honest that cuts into my tv/internet/wine time (and occasionally I may do some housework).
Somedays mom’s just need to do what they have to do to get through the day…yesterday was a no nap day…I was pushed to my limits and gave up and turned on Toy Story.
Hang in there… you’re doing the best you can. And if anyone tells you to “enjoy every moment, they grow up so fast”, tell them to shove it. You DON’T have to enjoy every moment. I know my mom didn’t enjoy every moment. She was divorced with three kids at thirty-two years old, while in grad school. But somehow, someway she raised three independent, self sufficient, college educated kids who still like her.

Kristy May 8, 2013 at 9:59 pm

I live in a neighborhood with a lot of those hippie snobs. It doesn’t make sense to me. . how can you be a hippie and judge people who don’t breast feed and/or let their kid ride a bike that has pedals and/or use a stroller instead of babywear every moment of the day (sometimes you just need to put the kid in a stroller). Go MODG. . you’re doing a great job!

Krista May 8, 2013 at 10:29 pm

So bikes without pedals are “hippie?” We have two for my 2 and 4 year olds. I had no idea that I could add that to the hippie column :) We also have bikes with pedals…I breastfeed but started supplementing my youngest at 8 months…we own four strollers and five baby-wearing devices. My kids all cried themselves to sleep at one point or another. I think the snobby hippies would judge.

Sheila May 8, 2013 at 9:59 pm

I’m so irritated that the first comment was so obnoxious. I wish I could stalk her life to judge the first “mistake” she makes like she clearly stalks your blog.

D is a few weeks old than G and we had to do CIO with him. HAD TO, DO YOU HEAR ME?! He was an amazing sleeper for the first 6 mos, then we had to get him a helmet for his flat-headedness (which was a result of him being such an awesome sleeper and always leaning on one side no matter how many GD times I snuck into his room to rotate him). You seriously can’t win. Anyway, imagine having to fall asleep ready with a helmet on? Yeah, it doesn’t happen. So by the time it came off, he had forgoten how to fall asleep and I had forgotten what it was like to shower and/or form a coherant sentence. It was hell, but I did the same process you did…5 minutes, 8 mintes, 10 minutes, etc. It took about a week, but D still sleeps 11-12 hours at night and takes 1.5-2 hrs naps during the day. And you know what…we’re all happier and I don’t think he’s ever going to light a cat on fire. And in my book, that’s A+ parenting.

To come full circle: It must be so exhausting to be such an asshole all the time. Amiright?

Katy May 8, 2013 at 10:00 pm

If all the things that were horrible to some scientist were actually true, every single one of us would be scarred. I’m perfectly fine, but was “victim” to all sorts of parenting “evils”, I’m sure just bc of the generational difference. For instance, I know spanking was part if my parents’ method. Do I condone it or use it with my son? No. But am I as normal as the next person. Yup. Did I use CIO? Yup. Wonderful/difficult decision for me that I don’t regret. You know best for your own kids. Go Ruby!

Samantha May 8, 2013 at 10:01 pm

I am not a mom to humans, but I’ve been a longlonglong martini-time MODG reader. These judging comments make me want to blow up the internets. I don’t know if I CIOed, I don’t know how long I nursed, I don’t know when I ate solid foods or what my poops did. What I do know, is that my mother has ALWAYS had my best interest at heart, and now at 25, I see that she has done everything in her power to make sure that I am loved… Even if it means learning how to use emojis or lend me money when I screw up. Be a loving mom, MODG. Shower her with love, affection, and glitter. Keep her away from judging, assholes, and those ridiculous effing flower headbands (PLEASE NO HEADBANDS). That is what being a mother is about. If these assholes continue to get worked up over your healthy, happy baby, let them. It’s their miserable, psuedo-hippie lives getting ruined and not yours. Just make sure that Ruby and G don’t make friends with their kids. I heard being a judgy asshole gets passed down through genetics.

Jhunter May 8, 2013 at 10:03 pm

Great advice and very well written!!!❤❤❤❤this comment. Made my night…right there with you:/

Michelle W May 8, 2013 at 10:11 pm

Great post!! You are strong and doing it right!! And by “right” I mean right for Ruby and you!! My 5 month old is still a nap ninja (two 30-minute naps a day. Kill me). If you figure out napping, PLEASE help a momma out and share your tips.

Tara May 8, 2013 at 10:11 pm

When CIO is done consistently, it takes like 2 night. 2 NIGHTS. I feel like no one is focusing on that in all of this controversy. I’m usually on the hippie side of hippie when it comes to child rearing and CIO was a beyond last resort with my first child (after a full year of every 2 hour night wakings, no joke). Then I felt like an ass. A solid year of struggle and sleeplessness for both him and I could have been solved in 2 nights? How are we even still talking about this. No one is leaving their child to cry alone in a dark room, starving, with no clothes one. And with my daughter, I nursed her on demand and hour of the day for six months. And on her six month birthday she went into her crib, without a swaddle, without a pacifier, and without a boob. It again took only TWO nights of crying. TWO nights for years of health sleep habits. Where is the controversy people?

Tara May 8, 2013 at 10:12 pm

When CIO is done consistently, it takes like 2 night. 2 NIGHTS. I feel like no one is focusing on that in all of this controversy. I’m usually on the hippie side of hippie when it comes to child rearing and CIO was a beyond last resort with my first child (after a full year of every 2 hour night wakings, no joke). Then I felt like an ass. A solid year of struggle and sleeplessness for both him and I could have been solved in 2 nights? How are we even still talking about this. No one is leaving their child to cry alone in a dark room, starving, with no clothes one. And with my daughter, I nursed her on demand and hour of the day for six months. And on her six month birthday she went into her crib, without a swaddle, without a pacifier, and without a boob. It again took only TWO nights of crying. TWO nights for years of health sleep whabits. Where is the controversy people?

Rachel May 8, 2013 at 10:13 pm

Love you and love this post! Way to go ruby! Also send your sleep lady over here!
Haters gonna hate, they are just projecting their own feeling of inadequacies. <3

Casie May 8, 2013 at 10:13 pm

Thank you for the reminder. It is SO hard not to judge sometimes. I honestly think moms judge other moms to make their own mistakes seem “not as bad”. Kind of a “well at least I didn’t…”. It’s not good for anyone.

Amy Mac May 8, 2013 at 10:15 pm

Oh, MODG. I feel ya, sister. After eleven months of midnight nursings we did the very gentle CIO and it was the best thing evar. Now our boy sleeps 12-13 hours every night with 2-3 hour naps and it is freaking GLORIOUSSSSSSSS! He is so happy and well-rested during the day and to the haters I say, whatevs. There is so obviously nothing wrong with my sweet boy because of our sleep training so suck it. The best thing I ever did for myself as a mother came four or five months in, when I finally got to the point where I realized “F it. I am doing my very best for my baby, whom I love more than anything in the world — including pie and bourbon combined — and screw anyone who thinks otherwise.” Greatest realization ever and lifted a huge weight of the responsibility of motherhood that others had placed upon me. You know you’re doing what is best for Ruby (and Gavin, and you). That’s all that matters. High five.

Kel May 8, 2013 at 10:18 pm

I really like your blog and posts!they make me laugh.and you want to know how I found your blog?by googling ‘how to get baby to sleep for more than 40minutes’.bahaha!
I think our kids must be around the same ages (have a 2 year old and 5 month old too)-but im in australia.im with you with the sleep training thing too-sometimes by always assisting them to sleep we actually can inadvertently create the need to cry because they keep having to cry out to us during the night to recreate those sleep associations.its good and freeing to teach them that their cot isn’t a bad place they need to be rescued out of.

Erica V. May 8, 2013 at 10:19 pm

I don’t have children but I have been reading your blog for a couple years. I have lots of friends who have started families and all chose diff. parenting methods. I feel for them some days when I see comments like that 1st judgemental one. Part of the reason being a parent is so stressful is because parents face so much judgement from other people. Shouldn’t we be supporting parents instead of bashing them?! For the record my parents let my 2 siblings and I CIO and we are all great! Keep it up MODG YOU’RE A GREAT MOTHER!

Maggie May 8, 2013 at 10:28 pm

My baby was, and kinda still is, a short napper (traditionally 30 min). People say they grow out of it, and it is sort of true, but it can take awhile. He is now 8 months old and can finally nap for 1hr 20 min. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But this is pretty new and I found it frustrating to hear that most kids grow out of it by the time they start solids. He started at 5 months, but there was no change. Here is what did help us in the end:
– accepting some kids require less sleep then the average times and he was one of these kids
– putting him on a nap schedule. I think I wasn’t let him get tired enough since I allowed him to grab sleep whenever he could. He was happier once there was more structure.
– letting him sleep in my arms (his preferred sleeping spot) till he was used to the sleep schedule. I tried to get him hooked on the sleep at set times. I did this for three weeks till we were consistently in the crib.
– waiting till he was ready. I did not really do this consciously, but in retrospect I don’t think the schedule (and the all the time crib sleeping) would have worked as well if I tried earlier. He just needed to sleep in my arms till he was ready not to. I didnot really get this at the time though.

I also still think the fact that it took him 8 months to get better at naps is drawing the short stick, but what can you do, there are worse things than a bad napper. Like colic or one of those kids that won’t eat. That would be way more stressful…….

PS – I know all kids and all situations are different, so this may not help, but I read everything from everyone regarding short mappers, so what the hell.

Stefanie B May 9, 2013 at 3:00 pm

Feeling you with the short naps (we call them “snaps” in our house, because they are over in a snap). The 30 minute nap plagued us until almost 9 months old and it’s not 100% now, but it’s better. I did everything I could think of to make the naps longer… schedule changes, swing, car, looking for signs of sleepiness, trying to salvage naps by diving in with a pacifier or picking him up, letting him sleep on me. I started to see the turnaround when he transitioned from three to two naps. I can only guess that he wasn’t ready until he was ready. There are worse things than a bad napper, but good lord, it can drive you crazy!! I’m trying to forget the days of 4-5 snaps when he was really little, but not a newborn (where I had to hold him or wear him for every nap). Crazy babies. :)

Audrey May 8, 2013 at 10:43 pm

You know what’s worse than letting your kid cry it out? Teaching them that you shouldn’t be tolerant of people who don’t do things the way that you do. There are countless ways to raise children, and NO ONE does it perfectly. Not even the hippies.
Our children will be much better off if we stop focusing on what other people are doing wrong and start supporting each other instead. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to do our best, right?
The scary part about this debate is not whether or not Ruby should cry it out, it’s the fact that MODG feels judged and criticized for being honest about her life as a mom. It’s disgusting. On top of all that she’s gone through in the past several months, she now feels WORSE about her situation because of her peers. The people that are supposed to support her and love her and tell her she’ll get through it, have now made her feel like she’s actually not doing what’s best for her kids?!? WTF.
Why can’t we celebrate the fact that MODG found something that worked for her and Ruby? I’m proud of you, MODG for being honest and vulnerable about what you’ve been going through. I realize you totally could have just lied about all of it just so you wouldn’t have to deal with all this BS, but I’m thankful that you didn’t. I am inspired to be a better mom because of your posts and I wish more moms were like you. Your kids are very lucky to have you.

Sarah W May 9, 2013 at 2:15 am

well said!

Rose May 8, 2013 at 10:49 pm

After your last post, I read nearly every word of your awesome sleep lady. And then I let my happy little not sleeping little boy cry. Until last weekend, I nursed him to sleep, put him in his crib praying that I wouldn’t jostle him too much and that he would continue sleeping. Then he would wake up 8 million times throughout the night. UNTIL I read awesome sleep ladies blog. And it worked! 20 minutes of crying the first night, two the next, and then nothing since! He still wakes up once to eat which I am completely fine with compared to 80 billion times. So, thank you! For introducing me to awesome sleep lady, and know that you are not alone!!

Jenna May 8, 2013 at 10:53 pm

The hippie snobs annoy the shit out of me. I’m very similar to you-lots of hippie-ness without the nasty judgement and be-all-end-all hippie lifestyle. You HAVE to do whatever works for you, or else you and your kids will be miserable, then you aren’t being the best for your children. You aren’t emotionally or physically there, which is just as bad as letting your baby cry it out a few nights til she gets it. I received so many frickin comments when I was having extreme latch issues with my son and allergies and all that BS-so I switched him to Alimentum-BOOM different baby. It was emotionally torturous, and then I was getting shit from everyone and their mother when that’s the LAST thing I needed. Point being….you are doing the best you can do, and that’s that. Hippie snobs are going to be hippie snobs and throw fermented food all over your face, but it’s not their kid, so whatever. I’m with ya. Glad she is self-soothing, that’s great!

AJ May 8, 2013 at 10:57 pm

You know what’s worse than letting your kid cry it out? Teaching them that people who don’t behave or believe things the way you do are wrong. There are countless ways to parent and NO ONE does it perfectly. Not even the hippies.
I am going to celebrate the fact that you found something that works for you and Ruby. I do believe in a gentle cry it out method, but that’s just me. If you slept in the same bed with Ruby until she got married, I would never judge you for that. It’s your kid and as long as you’re loving her and doing what you feel is right, I will always support you. Because THAT’S what mom’s should do for each other.
I’m so thankful that you have been brave enough to share your journey with all of us. I realize you could have easily lied just to avoid dealing with the judgers, but instead you were honest and vulnerable, and I wish there were more moms out there like you.
The fact that you felt judged and criticized by people because of your decisions is disgusting and I sincerely hope that you never have to feel that feeling again. You’re doing a great job, MODG…your kids are so lucky to have you!

Anna May 8, 2013 at 11:09 pm

Modg, this a great and timely post. I think we all need to be reminded that we are moms and we’re all trying to do what’s best for our kids and our families. We were really great at sleep training our first and then with our second, got a little scared because she was so great at sleeping, we didn’t want to wake her up! I live in Hong Kong so space is a premium so they’re sharing a room now. My son is now 2 and he still wakes up and wants to nurse. I would love for him to sleep through the night and self soothe, but it’s hard for us and I just need some sleep. Going to sleep is much easier now and I can leave them both awake after they’ve calmed down and are ready for sleep. We’re still working on it, but like one of your readers wrote and now has grown children, they will go to sleep on their own and it does get better:) Thank you for your posts. I love reading them!!

SusanL May 8, 2013 at 11:27 pm

Poor Genevive. I was going to comment on your last post, but I decided against it when I remembered how generally make it a point not to argue on the Internet. But this whole “I judge no one” crap? Bitch please. Listen, I’ve been a loyal MODG reader for years and even have your super secret diaper bag (straps too short for my arms) and also had my husband buy me the last initial necklace you promoted in your crap you like post (broke the third time I wore it.) The point is, I’ve read me a lot of MODG and I know I could find 10 different examples of you being Judgey McJudgerson if I was so inclined at the moment. We’re women. We judge. And you write stuff on the Internet primarily aimed at other women. What did you think was going to happen? Yes, I judge you for doing CIO because I think it’s f-d up. I would rather deal with my son being a bad sleeper forever than stick him in a room at let him cry. (Yes, because checking on him while crying makes it so much better!) But hey, that’s me. Feel free to judge. But don’t pretend that if you saw a woman smacking/ yelling/ whatever parenting style you disagree with at Walmart doing something you feel is wrong to her kids that you wouldn’t judge. Of course you would. So put on your big girl pants and get over it. Sure, everyone THINKS they’re doing the best for their kids. But not everyone can be correct.

Sara May 9, 2013 at 8:12 am

Poor me. I actually read that whole damn thing. Puke.

SusanL May 8, 2013 at 11:40 pm

Poor Genevive. I was going to comment on your last post, but I decided against it when I remembered how generally make it a point not to argue on the Internet. But this whole “I judge no one” crap? Bitch please. Listen, I’ve been a loyal MODG reader for years and even have your super secret diaper bag (straps too short for my arms) and also had my husband buy me the last initial necklace you promoted in your crap you like post (broke the third time I wore it.) The point is, I’ve read me a lot of MODG and I know I could find 10 different examples of you being Judgey McJudgerson if I was so inclined at the moment. We’re women. We judge. And you write stuff on the Internet primarily aimed at other women. What did you think was going to happen? Yes, I judge you for doing CIO becuase I think it’s f-d up. I would rather deal with my son being a bad sleeper forever than stick him in a room at let him cry. (Yes, because checking on him while crying makes it so much better!) But hey, that’s me. Feel free to judge. But don’t pretend that if you saw a woman smacking/ yelling/ whatever parenting style you disagree with at Walmart doing something you feel is wrong to her kids that you wouldn’t judge. Of course you would. So put on your big girl pants and get over it. Sure, everyone THINKS they’re doing the best for their kids. But not everyone can be correct.

Jennifer M. May 9, 2013 at 12:02 am

MODG, you and B make beautiful babies!! G is looking
so much older these days…big brotherhood looks good on him.

And you are bang on sister, all we can do is our best. And
our best will look very different from another Mom’s.

Wishing your house sleepy time and sweet dreams!

Heather May 9, 2013 at 12:18 am

GO RUBY!!! GO MODG!!!

You’re both doing great. I was too scared to do CIO with my son because of all the bitchy, judgey comments I thought I’d get for giving him “brain damage”. And you know what? I have a two year old that sleeps like shit. And he’s a total terror until his morning nap because he sleeps like shit every night, and then is up and at’em, but NOT bright eyed and bushy tailed at 4 am. And now I have a newborn. So that’s fun.
I have no idea what to do with him now, but I do know that if I encounter the same issues with my new one down the line, I will do what works. Because what works for your family, is what’s best for your family.
I’m glad you gave Jaime that necklace. I want to give her a necklace, too. Judgey moms, take note. THAT’S how to be supportive. Maybe if you learn it now, your kids won’t grow up to be judgey assholes, too.

Susan from GA May 9, 2013 at 12:55 am

MODG, it makes me so sad. My baby girls are 30 and 32. Women were judging when THEY were babies. Have we not moved on in all these years? Please moms…..just love your own babies and do what your heart tells you is right for them. Let’s not turn on each other. At all stages of life…babies to little old ladies (I am getting dangerously close…lol)….women need women. Stop this now….or we just pass it on to the next generation.

Just my 2 cents.

btw…YEA Ruby…YEA MODG! I still remember…you are in the trenches! Hang in there!

From an old hippie…..the peace and love kind…not the new mean version…geez

Sarah W May 9, 2013 at 2:10 am

MODG!
thank you for your post! I was wondering how it went.
I’m a sorta “hippie” single mama. I am also a full time student & I work. NO JUDGING here, because I know that you have to make choices sometimes to keep sane so that you can be the best mama possible!! It is sad that people will judge you for your choices when you obviously love and adore your babies & are well researched!! My son is 14 months and we still night nurse & co-sleep. I LOVE the bonding, but because of my current place in life, I get little to no sleep (he is quite restless), and I’m at the point that I’m barely functioning & cannot stay awake to study. It was good to see that Ruby learned to self-soothe so fast!Gives me some encouragement to try, even if I end up sitting in a chair next to his bed until he falls asleep. I think he’s so restless b/c he’s ready for his own space.
I always look forward to reading your sparkly blog posts! & stalking your pinterest boards. when I should be trying to sleep….
Keep it up, you’re a damn good mama!

Marion May 9, 2013 at 3:47 am

Why do people give a flying farkle what other parents do with their own children? It’s THEIR kid. REPEAT: NOT YOURS. NOT YOUR BABY. WHY DO YOU CARE. OHMYGOOOOOSHHHH.

It’s just the beotch way of validating yourself? Somehow making yourself feel superior through shaming the other parent?

I judge, I admit it. Honestly, I think we all do – but most of us do it QUIETLY. If anything, I hoard my baby secrets, instead of getting a loud mouth and wagging my internet finger, because that means my kid will be the best kid in the history of all kids. Ever. Obviously.

Dona May 9, 2013 at 7:31 am

I’d just like to encourage you that these days soon will be gone, just have faith and remember that. My 2 sons are exact opposites and required opposite things, one got to co-sleep & the other thrived in their own bed. I’ve been there with you through the doubts and weary night/days. I found that the “crying it out” actually worked better for naps for us (but EVERY child is different, I don’t mean this to be judgey or even advicey, just wanted to share that not everything works the same for every child). I hope that with time it all improves. Good Luck & God Bless You!

Leigh May 9, 2013 at 9:10 am

The feminist blog I read regularly – Shakesville – calls this judging stuff “auditing” other people’s choices. It seems endemic among women, but it’s more human nature and applicable to the range of behaviors – parenting choices, the food choices of people who are overweight, the spending habits of low-income households, etc. The best aspect of your blogging, MODG, is your willingness to be honest with humor and grace in the face of cruel internet strangers who feel entitled to audit your parenting choices. I don’t know if it helps for us to back up a step from the idea that this is exclusive to mothers-on-mothers, and instead think more holistically about how we audit one another’s choices all the time across a range of situations. I’ve found personally that being cognizant of how ubiquitous judgment is in my daily life – given and received – has made it a little easier to catch it each time I’m feeling particularly superior and disdainful.

To the auditors on this thread, esp. the one who accuses MODG of giving it out but not being able to take it, MODG acknowledges in this post that she’s trying to learn not to judge as well. This isn’t a lecturing email, but one that includes herself in this process.

I think we’d all benefit if instead of turning on one another as individuals over and over, we stepped back and thought about the structures that pit us against one another – still so much gendered expectation that women are solely responsible for childrearing, with dads (if they’re around) playing a mildly supportive role, and without good supports like extended family leaves, high-quality affordable daycare, consistently good public schools, etc. – all this lack of support makes every single choice feel so profound. Perhaps if society underwrote all households’ ability to have a caring adult at home for a year or more, or had close-by child care for working parents, etc., we’d feel a little less like every decision we make is relegating our child to prison or the boardroom when they can barely sit up on their own. Sigh.

Keep on keepin’ on, MODG.

Maya May 9, 2013 at 11:19 am

Yes! The reason we all keep reading this blog (and the reason it inspires so many comments!) is because MODG talks about the experience of parenting – the tedious, frustrating, anxiety-producing stuff especially – in a way that is funny and smart and humble. Go ahead and judge inside your own brain, but stfu about it because it doesn’t help anyone be a better parent (even if your judgement is wearing a mask of concern).

erin e May 9, 2013 at 9:32 am

i relate to you and these sleep posts so much. thank you for writing about them. i have a sweet 10 month old and i have not slept more than 4 hours in a year (because toward the end of the pregnancy i was constantly peeing at night.) last fall i tried following the technique in the book “the no-cry sleep solution” and i even made graphs to chart my progress (no progress was made – you can see these lame charts on my blog) and after two months of trying that i gave up. then two weeks ago i picked up dr. ferber’s book, “how to solve your child’s sleep problems” and it has changed my life, my husband’s life and my baby’s life. all i had heard about him before was that he was the “cry it out guy” and that letting you baby cry it out is horrible and that people call his technique “ferberizing” which all sound horrible…and of course you don’t want to be that horrible mom that does this “horrible” technique. but i read his book. i learned about sleep cycles and sleep associations for babies, teenagers and even adults! so interesting. i don’t think these snootyhippies have ever read this book. with knowledge comes power. 2 weeks later my boy is sleeping 11 hours at night. i saw progress after the first night. it works. IT’S HARD. but IT WORKS and it’s not damaging. and we are all better humans for it because we are rested so we can love better, play better, eat better. keep up with it. you have nothing but my support and my well rested heart and my joyous-unharmed-self soothing-sleeping-11-hours-at-night baby’s experience in your corner.

Leigh May 9, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Agreed about Ferber’s book being so much more informative about the science of sleep than the stereotype of the book as just this blunt CIO tool. My son had night terrors at 14 months (called confusional arousal at that age) and we were desperate to figure out what was going on. I had ordered that book and never read it. Finally I opened it and it all became clear. By the time we got to the pediatric sleep specialist we had an appt with she was like, yes, your diagnosis is correct. Have a good day. That will be $$$$.

Erin May 9, 2013 at 9:44 am

Yay MODG and Ruby! So happy you both are getting much-needed rest. We did a very similar CIO with our son around 5 months to help him learn how to fall asleep. It totally sucked, but I’m so glad we did it. My mom always reminds me that from day 1, our job as parents is help our children become happy, healthy, independent human beings. Teaching your baby to fall asleep on her own is part of teaching independence. Ignore the haters and judging moms. Despite how someone feels about a particular issue, respect and understanding for each other should be priority #1. MODG, you go girl. Love that you worked with the Troublesome Tots woman. This is like my dream blog celebrity wedding happening. :)

Anna May 9, 2013 at 10:24 am

Hey! It’s me! The mom who was on day 3 when you were on day 3! Last night, our little went to sleep with 3 minutes of half-assed protest, and slept for the longest stretch since he was born. And he’s happier and cuter than ever before. We are doing the best we can. Thank you for the encouragement, for real.

Kate S. May 9, 2013 at 10:33 am

I am doing CIO at the same time with a slightly older baby, and he has come along fabulously as well. I really appreciate your posts and always look forward to them.

Kristin May 9, 2013 at 10:34 am

I guess I’m technically kind if a hippie too (by the breastfeeding, baby-food-making, cloth-diaper-wearing standards) but we had to sleep train my first daughter and all I have to say is it WORKS– so f the haters. Don’t give them a second thought. You sound like an awesome mom and someone who I’d proudly be friends with in real life. Keep truckin’!

Jena May 9, 2013 at 10:39 am

We have a two year old who regularly (like, by pretty much every.single.person who meets him) gets called “the happiest kiddo they’ve ever seen.” He also sleeps better than most kids I know.

We did CIO with him.

That is all.

Lisa May 9, 2013 at 10:54 am

Hang in there MODG! You’re doing great. We just transitioned from the last few bottles of milk that my daughter was holding on to, to all big girl cups and it’s HARD. All transitions are hard. It will still be hard when we potty train, choose a preschool, send them to kindergarten, deal with homework, bullies and eventually teach them to drive and send them to college. And there will be people who judge us the whole way. Some day we’ll be the moms that are looking back with happy memories about these early days. You have two beautiful, healthy babies that are loved more than anything in the world. That’s all that matters =)

Niki May 9, 2013 at 10:54 am

Your post was the theme of my week!!! I have cried more times this week than when my son was born because of comments made on a forum I subscribe to. I am going to OWN my choices and I am glad you are too. Motherhood has a crazy way of making you more vulnerable than you ever knew you could be.

Lara May 9, 2013 at 10:57 am

Hey Modg, I’m commenting as an actual person and blogger (not a crazy trolling random), and I will do so with total respect to you as a mother who clearly loves her babies.
Here’s the thing. As someone who is very anti-CIO (for reasons I am sure you have heard so I will not burden you with), I was actually OK with this post until the end, when you posted the comment about how you are doing the right thing so you can teach your baby to be self reliant, etc. There can be judgement from the other side, toward people who are anti-CIO, and that’s shitty too, you know? Do you think moms who don’t do CIO don’t want their children to be self reliant? Do you think they want them attached to their boob until they are 15? And do you think CIO is the only way to avoid all that?
I think because CIO requires and action and anti-CIO is basically inaction, there is an idea that moms who don’t do CIO are passive parents. As someone in the latter group, I just want to remind you that this is absolutely untrue. Not doing CIO has been VERY HARD in my house. It has been a conscious, well researched decision that we choose every day, even when we are struggling to get through the day from exhaustion. It’s not because I’m “not strong enough” to do it. It’s because I am VERY strong in my beliefs that it is wrong for my family.
I just wanted to throw out the other side and ask you not to judge my sleep decisions too. My jeans are fair game though.
And Ruby is so adorable.
Thanks if you actually read all that.

Kate May 9, 2013 at 10:59 am

I hippied many parts of the last two years with my 2-year old. Breastfed forever. Wore that baby around all the time. Tried cloth. Made baby food from organics. Had a tie-dye first birthday party. And, we are cry-it-outers who kicked the little one out of our room at 6 weeks. Why? Because we needed to sleep. And so did she. It worked for us and at about 6 months, and then again at 9, and 18, and just last week after recovering from an ear infection. We didn’t ignore her and let her cry – we talked to her through the door after a few minutes – and she responded with giving us all what we wanted and needed. Uninterupted sleep. She doesn’t hate us. She wakes up happy and excited to see us. She’s smart and loving and sleeps. Naps are still a challenge, but cry it out works during day, once you figure out the right moment to do it. Good luck and good job so far!

Stephanie May 9, 2013 at 11:35 am

Rock on Modg!! The Hippie Snob needs to look at herself in the mirror.

Heather May 9, 2013 at 11:38 am

MODG, I just want to stay you are awesome. The best moms are the ones that realize that their babies are individuals with individual needs, unlike anyone else’s, and adjust to best help them. You are doing that and anytime anyone says you are doing it wrong, just remember- you birthed a person, a small one but a true person, and no one thing works for everyone- not even the great hippie cure-alls. Keep your chin up and I hope you get a nice long nap for Mother’s Day.

Ashley May 9, 2013 at 12:42 pm

I had a snobby hippie almost sister in law. It would take all of my patience to not punch her face off. She wasn’t even a real hippie just pretended to be & she maliciously judged me on my mothering…& this bitch didn’t have any child & was trying to tell me how to raise mine. Go choke on some hummus bitch. Every mother has their own way of mothering & however they choose to do it does not make them wrong. If you’re doing it with love for your child , then it is what is best for your child. Go MODG!

V @ Joie de V May 9, 2013 at 12:58 pm

One of the reasons I keep coming back to your blog is because you are living proof of how perfectly imperfect being a mother really is (a nice way of saying that sometimes you are a train wreck that I can’t pry my eyes away from).

Sometimes you are judgy and sometimes I am too.
Sometimes you’re a train wreck and sometimes I am too.
That’s part of being a perfectly imperfect woman.

Let’s not kid ourselves by saying things like “they” (Hippie Snobs) are giving “us” (?) a bad name. As far as I can tell, “they” (women) are giving “us” (women) a bad name. Labels only divide women into further sub-groups of judgmental bitchiness and that is not helping anyone right now, especially you (when, after judging others, you don’t want to be judged). And from what I can see- and I clearly am not you so this is purely my observation- you want to be labeled as a (Not) Hippie (Snob) so badly that once again you forget that you should be simply and perfectly Amanda, who unapologetically does what she thinks is best for her kids because that is what’s right for her family. Who unapologetically had two C-sections because that is her reality. Who unapologetically vents about being exhausted because that is the plain truth. Stop worrying about being a damn hippie and just focus on being you, because at the end of the day the only labels you should be worrying about are the ones in your mom jeans.

V

Desiree May 9, 2013 at 2:57 pm

This. So much this.

The train wreck part, the perfectly imperfect part and most of all the stop worrying part.

You’re on the internet. You’re going to get judged. You don’t want to be judged, don’t put it out there. But you knew all that and you’re still here, so freakin relax already.

Alissa May 9, 2013 at 1:51 pm

MODG,
I am pretty sure I am the product of CIO. (My mom had three girls and my sister and I are only 22 months apart. My mom always says having three kids put her over the edge.) Anyway, last night I crawled into bed and fell asleep in less than 2 minutes. I have never ever had trouble sleeping, and I am sure that your Ruby is on her way too. These mommy wars are totally out of control. I am so happy for you that Ruby is sleeping well. Keep your head up. And don’t let the internet get you down!!!

Haley May 9, 2013 at 2:41 pm

So if you are looking for a future husband for Ruby you can have your pick of my two boys. I have a one year old with a natural Mohawk (he’s already a rock star) and a two year old who likes to pick his nose. She is too freakin cute :) Soooo think about it….mmmmk?!

Hollie May 9, 2013 at 4:12 pm

MODG, you are a good mommy! R & G are lucky to have you. I’m in awe of you for going at this battle while the hubs is away.
I have a 15y.o. girl, a 3 y.o. boy and a 1y.o. boy and I am knee deep in the struggle of balancing. They are both crazy little boys and most days the girl hates me. your blogs inspire me AND give me much needed comic relief.
You are doing good job fellow mama!

Lauren {Adventures in Flip Flops} May 9, 2013 at 6:25 pm

I dunno guys. According to some of the judgers here (a la I wholeheartedly believe that CIO and formula is bad for babies) I’m pretty much screwed. I mean, all this damage I experienced as an infant is going to show up sometime right? I haven’t woken up yet, in all my 27 years, fearing abandonment from my parents or lost my brain function from lack of breast milk, but I expect both to hit any day. I should quit teaching in China and go get my PhD before it all goes to crap!

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