Guys, I survived. Well, I survived week 1 of single parenting. I have another week coming up followed by another 2 weeks alone. Dudes, I don’t care if you’re like the toughest baddest ass on the block. You WILL FEAR the week alone. Oh yes, you’ll fear it.
Because now? I fear nothing more in my life. Well, I’m pretty scared of also facing a day where there is nothing “planned” for G. Because when I don’t have either paintbrushes and rocks and shit laid out for some sort of “project”, it’s all over. Or maybe jesus took the wheel that day and delivered some sort of large box from Amazon that can be turned into a rocket ship or a house for an hour. Then, we’re good. But no plan? Holy shit, just go and hide your valuables and sanity because they are both about to go out the window.
And that was my challenge with the double kid solo week. What the hell are we going to do? I mean I’ve done every BS activity on Pinterest including the damn baking soda dropper food coloring nonsense. I did the sensory bins of stupid. I did the jars of crap that you hold and then break and then ruin the carpet. So I scheduled us. I scheduled the shit out of us.
I sent a desperate email to pretty much everyone I knew. It went like this.
How are you doing? How is that thing you are working on? How is that person we talked about? Great! Now I really need you to help me give kids baths and take G to your house for an hour. Please help me with that if you care about me or my children at all. Thank you. Peacebewithyou.
Desperate in Phoenixville,
And because I have awesome friends, I had someone here every single night helping me with baths and bedtime. Because bathing an infant with a toddler running around with a bucket on his head and a sword in his hand, is difficult. One night I even had one of my “cool” friends here to help. The “cool” friends are the ones without kids yet. However she confirmed for me after her night with us that it will be quite some time before she becomes uncool like me. Thanks kids.
You see, G is special. Real freaking special. And by special I mean, he’s 2 and a half and drama out the ass. I am walking on egg shells with this kid.
Me: G, I made your favorite lunch!
G: I no hungy.
Me: Ok, you can let me know when you want to eat.
G: I HUNGY!
MeL Ok great, let’s eat now.
G: NO I NO HUNGY!!
Me: Ok, you see how this could be confusing for me Gavin.
G: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! fire candle birthday cuppycake fire.
Me: Oh, I see. Right. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that first.
And then there is Ruby. Poor little Ruby is getting her 2nd tooth in a month. And she’s only 4 months old. She wants to be happy so bad but she is just mis. It’s a little like this.
Hi Ruby Lee!
You are so happy!
Oh, don’t be sad. Let’s sing a song.
Oh sorry, ok more song.
(G screams: MOMMY PLAY TOYS)
And then there’s the bullshit of cleaning the cat shit box, doing laundry, doing diaper laundry, doing dishes, cooking meals, emptying trash, taking out trash, getting mail, sending mail… You know, regular people stuff who can do stuff who have 2 working arms available. People like B. People who are IN CALIFORNIA VISITING THEIR GIRLFRIEND.
So B is home. But like not really. I mean he still goes to work every day and I still am home with the kids. And yes, it’s hard and yes I complain. I would complain about a rainbow of sunshine free J.crew clothes. But dudes, it’s not a one man job. And for those of you in this situation permanently? Call the cops. Someone needs to be arrested for putting you in that situation. At least get a lawyer. Call me, I’ll be your lawyer.
Day by day people. Day by day.
Queen of the dark circle.