The best skinny jeans for the non-skinny post baby body. i.e. me, after baby #2 and 40lbs of coconut product.

This post is the most important post in the history of all time.

Because what it’s more important than jeans?

exactly.

pinterest

See, after baby#2, this little old body of mine is like screw you bitch. I’m tired. And fat. And I like it that way. Except I don’t like it that way. I’ve been on the Paleo diet for almost a month now and due to my insane crutch of eating bags of nuts and every coconut product that a coconut could ever produce (there are like 58), I’m gaining weight. GAINING WEIGHT. How do I know this? Because I had the awesome responsibility of getting measured for a bridesmaid dress. Which is worse than weighing yourself on a scale. It’s numbers that tell you how much earth you take up. And then a week later, the numbers were bigger. And I died. So we’re working on fixing that asap.

In the mean time, a girl has to wear jeans. And I’m super qualified to help all the post pregs find jeans since my body looks like a half empty roll of toothpaste. Before we get into the grit of it all, I’m going to explain my body to you so you can understand if this can help you.

me

 

Yes that’s me. I also have a Ihateeverything look on my face for good reason. I remember when Kendra Wilkinson said that she could feel her uterus pushing out her stomach, I thought, please bitch, that’s some excuse. But I swear I feel it. It’s giving me a big pouchy belly. I have a longer torso with short legs so in general I need jeans that have a higher rise so they don’t push my side fat all over the jeans. But my legs are petite and I’m overall a pretty small person, so when I go up a size, the waist fits, but the legs are too big. I know, disgusting. So this was my challenge.

I posted on facebook to everyone to recommend your best skinny jeans to me. I normally am not a skinny jean fan, but with my new disgusting body, it’s works. In a disgusting way. I received almost 300 comments. Super. I went through them all. My criteria was this:

1) affordable. I do not plan on being this size for long. HEAR THAT BODY? But I did try a few pricier ones just to compare

2) dark color to make me fade into the dark dark night of skinniness

3) super skinny with some stretch

4) a mid to high rise to tuck away all the bullshit

I made a pinterest page categorizing all of the recommendations. Then I got a very very special day where B stayed home with the kiddos and I went on a damn MISSION to the mall. There was sweat involved.

**NOTE** I do not have the time or ability to do a full denim photoshoot on my toilet. I tried and then a baby cried and a toddler pooped and it was all over. I got one picture.

I started with some of the cheaper and less likely options

loft

Ann Taylor Loft is the supplier of these seemingly cute jeans (Modern Skinny). Cute right? Dark, skinny, stretchy, mid rise. And what I like about general mall type stores is that the sizing always makes you feel way skinnier than you are to appeal to fat america. I bite. Loft had a 50% off sale so I ordered these.

DISGUSTING FAIL.

I should say that I saw these on a friend and they were cute. This is what they looked like on me

DSC_0196

I can’t even believe I just put that picture on the internet with my slow face and beast butch outfit. Regardless, you needed to see the FALACY that is Ann Taylor Loft. BAD. Now I should say that I have heard the legging jeans are better. This I may try. But these friends. No. Just no. Next.

Another American Standard. THE GAP. I’ve been impressed with their jeans lately. They usually do stretch out but without paying 200 dollars, you’re going to get that.

I tried these:

gap

This is the Gap legging jean. Note, it is not the super stretch. We’ll get to that. These I liked. The rise was perfecto. I did order 1 size bigger than I normally wear pre-preg, but it wasn’t THREE sizes bigger so that’s a win. I did not order the short or petite, which you would think I should since I’m 5’2”. But in both, the rise is shorter and hits the handles in a vomit spot. The regular was perfecto. I KEPT THESE AND I’M HAPPY WITH THEM.

I did also try these

gap2

These are the same jeans as above but with Super Stretch. Very cute, seemingly good fitting. But halfway through the day they literally fall down my ass and I’m pulling them up like a diaper wearing mental patient. Cute but annoying. For my body, it’s a no.

Levi’s Juniors 535 Super Skinny Denim Legging
Good old American Levi’s. Sold on Amazon. That’s always a bonus. I emailed the mom jean guru herself at Aint No Mom Jeans and asked her opinion and she suggested these.

levi

Ok these were sitting in my mailbox as I was writing this post. I threw on my hot pink slippers and pea coat and ran in the freezing wind to get them. I threw them on and immediately thought, too small. kill myself. But I kept going. And you know what? I like them. A lot. They are “jeanier” than a lot of the legging jeans I’ve tried. I wish the rise was a little higher but I think they will stretch a bit. I will say that they are junior’s sizing which is AWFUL. I ordered 3 sizes bigger and should have gotten 4 sizes. I know. But I’m going to keep them and rock them.

Next….

bdg

These are the BDG jeans that are carried at Urban Outfitters. I didn’t get to try them this time around but I do have a pair and I like them. They aren’t my “current” size right now but the rise is good and I’d try them again. Price is great too. I’d go a size up in these though.

jcrew

Oh JCrew. Once upon a time we were friends. No longer. The toothpick and matchstick jeans were recommended to me and were a giant frump fail. I looked like a mom on a mission. A mission to be disgusting. I tried on all the jeans in the store. Some jeans, when you size up just doesn’t work on the rest of you. J.Crew falls into this sad sad category.

rockstar

I’m SO sick of everyone being all “Old Navy ROCKSTAR jeans are the bestest best ever”. No. No they are not. They are SO low rise I wanted to vomit. I tried all colors, shapes, etc. These are so bad (for me) I wanted to cry/die. I also tried their other shapes, flirty curvy, swirly, twirly, who can keep up with the lame names. They were all a no for this post preg.

Other recommendations on the cheap that I didn’t get to try:

American Eagle  Hi Rise Super Skinny (I was afraid to go in, everyone was 15 in there)

Target  Denizen Mid Rise Skinny (they didn’t have them online and I can’t go into a store without a baby strapped to my body)

Victoria’s Secret siren mid rise skinny. Eh, I just didn’t.

Now let’s talk about some of the higher end options. In another child-less life, I had a high paying job and could buy nice clothes. So I believe there is nothing in the world like expensive jeans. They do things for your body that no other clothing item can (Spanx excluded). Not too long ago I received a 100 dollar gift card to Nordstroms from a reader. I KNOW?!?! So I got in the car, left my pride at home and tried some of these fat sluggers on.

hudson

 

Hudson mid rise “Nico”. Ugh expensive jeans. You are so good yet hurt me so bad. See, these people don’t need to cater to fat America so their sizing is more “true”. I like to call it more “lies” but it’s true. I had to go up THREE sizes to get them to even fit. And then they were bag sag in the legs. For me, it was a no go. For someone cuter than me, a good jean.

AG

These are the AG Jeans in super skinny stretch. They fit more like a legging. I went  up 1 size AND 2 sizes and both fit. That’s how you know you’ve got some pajama jeans on your hands (good thing). I really really liked these. They came up perfectly in the rise and hugged my legs and butt. I was realizing that I needed more of a legging jean in general and less of a skinny jean. The legging jeans were giving me the stretch I wanted to not squeeze the belly but also to be tight enough on my legs to make me look small under my giant potato sack sweaters.  I didn’t buy these because they were so expensive BUT I WANTED TO. OH I WANTED TO.

joe's

 

Joe’s Skinny Leg “Marty”. Nope. Not cute. Not skinny enough. Not stretchy enough. Too tight in the waist, too big in the legs. Same old BULLSHIT. Screw you Joe and your “jeans”.

Others I tried to find but they didn’t have in the store

J Brand Mid Rise (also recommended from Aint No Mom Jeans)

Paige Skyline. I think these would have been great. I’m a Paige fan in general

Articles of Society “Mya” jeans. These are sold in the junior’s department. I just couldn’t.

So my conclusion for those of you who may have a similar body type and are dealing with post partum fats. Get yourself the stretchiest legging jean you can find (i.e. leggings). Remember how leggings were good when you were preg? Same idea, except JEANS.

My top low end recommendation: Gap Legging Jean with the Levi’s 535s
as a close back up.

My top high end recommendation: AG super skinny Jean (Glendon)

But I do think that any jean with the word “legging” in it with a super high amount of stretch and a mid rise, will do the job. What do you think? Are there any that I missed that I HAVE to try?

Apologies from my toilet. She sends regards.

xoxo

MODG

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POSTED IN: Awesome things,Mom Stuff,Not Pleased,Stuff I like,Style

{ 77 comments }

Amy January 31, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Hmm, those are definitely not the ATL jeans I was wearing. Maybe they changed them? Also I HATE ON Rock Star jeans…they make you feel far from a rock star. xo

naomi January 31, 2013 at 4:20 pm

More toilet pics!

Renee January 31, 2013 at 10:26 pm

Yes! I’ve missed toilet pics so!

Jamie February 4, 2013 at 10:49 am

I agree I miss the toilet pics, because it’s great to compare the model pics to a pic of the jeans on a real person, but we all understand how hectic it must have been with the baby and the toddler lol :) I gotta say though, i LOVE the Rockstar Jeans from ON :) Wearing them right now, and I can’t wait to get the maternity ones in another month or two… I’ll be 13 weeks tomorrow and my belly is juuuuust starting to get fat. I can swing the rubber-band-looped-through-the-buttonhole thing for a while tho.

Karena January 31, 2013 at 4:21 pm

I have a similar body issue. I needed skinny jeans to wear this Friday and I have none. None! I’ve had the same problem trying them on, too long, not stretchy enough, not high enough. So I saw some of your reader’s suggestions and headed to the mall last night. First store I came to was Forever 21. So I decided, what the hell, I’ll try it. Their skinny jeans are SEEMINGLY the same ones, but I tried three different colors and had three different fits. I bought 2 pair because they were PERFECT. Oh, and the best part?!?! $10.80 EACH. Seriously worth it. Try different colors and types. The first ones I tried on sucked.

MODG January 31, 2013 at 4:22 pm

how many sizes up did you have to go? this is my fear. I fear the numbers.

C January 31, 2013 at 8:28 pm

They are true to size.

Holly January 31, 2013 at 8:45 pm

I was also on a mission after reading your jean post. I tried on several at the mall this past weekend and landed on Forever21 as well. $10.80!!! Seriously. They were true to size for me but I agree that the different colors fit differently – I loved the gray, liked the dark wash and hated the black. (I had a baby is June, am back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but my body looks nothing like it did the last time I was this weight – and I’m realizing probably never will. Oy.) Try them!

Amanda February 1, 2013 at 12:12 am

I have them too! They are best!!! Seriously and the sizing is great you don’t have to go up!!

Jennah February 4, 2013 at 8:38 am

What about length? I am 5’6 or so and it seemed from the reviews that the petite would be too short and the regular would be really long. If anybody can rec a specific jean (link?), I might buy a pair. There are like 6 that seem like they might be “the one.” (I have to order online – local F21 is farther away than I am driving any time soon.)

And by true to size…they are sized by inch? So if I measure where my jeans usually hit, I should order that number? I don’t have any jeans sized that way, so it’s weird to me.

Karena February 4, 2013 at 2:08 pm

I am USUALLY a 27 but have gained 20 lbs over the past 6 months (and am still in denial). So I’m 5’4″, 145 lbs. (gulp), and bought the 30×29″s. Although when I put them on for the concert, I realized a 29×29 would have fit just fine. But I wanted stretch for the massive amounts of beer I consumed. I would say they’re probably true to size, I just lie to myself about my current size!

Robyn February 5, 2013 at 9:49 am

Went to F21 last night. What you really need to know is that they have different LENGTHS. It took me a few minutes to figure this out. Although it seems they mostly only have 29 length. I had to really search and dig for longer ones. I am 5’5″ and NEED the 32 length. 29 will not do. Like I said, I am 5’5″ and 140 lbs and I got 29×32 and they are perfect. I am wearing them right now… sooo comfy!!

Niamh February 5, 2013 at 8:56 pm

I also went to F21 after reading these comments. Felt like a Granny in there among the teeny boppers but got two of the best fitting pairs of skinny jeans for $10.80 each. Amazeballs!

Anne January 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm

You’re spot on about Forever 21, I like expensive jeans but I’m in love with the pants I’ve gotten there.

I’m also getting to be a big fan of Lauren Conrad pants at Kohls. They stretch like crazy, I’m 4 months pregnant with my second child and a pair of black stretchy Lauren Conrad jeans were basically my daily uniform when I was in the awkward too fat for regular jeans and too little for maternity jeans phase.

Jess February 1, 2013 at 8:34 am

I love love love the Lauren Conrad skinnies from Kohls. They’ve got just the right amount of stretch and are great for hiding post-baby flab. LC knows skinny jeans.

Elise February 1, 2013 at 10:46 am

How’s the rise? Usually the “teen” stores are butt crack height.

Kristy January 31, 2013 at 4:31 pm

Try White House Black Market!! I’m a mom of an almost 2 year old and love them!
http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/browse/shelf.jsp?cat=Denim&catId=cat210023

LynzB January 31, 2013 at 6:56 pm

These are awesome! This mom of two also agrees! I just found these last year and at full price they’re still under $100 (That’s cheap to me in the world of jeans.)

Jackie S. February 1, 2013 at 1:35 pm

These are my favorite,too! And there are some on sale right now!

Sarah J January 31, 2013 at 4:32 pm

I believe you on the rockstar jeans because I am currently wearing them (done up) and I am 9 months pregnant. For reals. They are major low rise because the baby has dropped and I can still do them up. I’m not comfy but nothing with a waistband is comfy right now.

They are gonna be a horror show post-partum, so I will review this fabulous guide. I am similarly proportioned to you, so thank you for your service. I totally owe you shoes.

Tamara January 31, 2013 at 4:32 pm

You should TOTALLY check out ebay for the AG Jeans. That’s where I got a pair of mine for waaay cheaper than what they retail for and they are just as lovely as the full price pair I received as a gift!

Tamara January 31, 2013 at 4:36 pm

(Sorry if this double posts…)
You should really check out ebay for the AG Jeans! I bought a pair from there that were waaaaay cheaper than what they retail for (actually reasonable price!) and are just as lovely as the pair I received as a gift! They really are amazing and do great things for the post baby mommy bod!!

Nellie January 31, 2013 at 4:37 pm

FYI–Kohl’s carries the Levi 535 jean leggings (same as Amazon). Sucks to have to go into the store but they’re cheaper than Amazon + Kohls usually has a sale and there’s normally an internet coupon available as well.

Heidi January 31, 2013 at 4:38 pm

J.jill petites. First pants that ever fit my almost 5’2 post preg body and did not give me muffin top or coin slot after an hour of wearing. Found them in the outlet/clearance section. Super cheapo. I think you look great in your toilet pic, your pretty hard on yourself mama. But aren’t we all? It’s part of the job description, just ask your mom.

sara January 31, 2013 at 4:40 pm

ugh I’m scared.. I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant with my 2nd. I am tall – leggy – torso(y)… so skinny jeans do not work on me… so then I”m stuck with bell bottom jeans and 2 sizes bigger than I’m somewhat comfortable wearing.. ughhh I did not miss that post pregnancy body but soon I will see it again.

Chrystal January 31, 2013 at 4:44 pm

Try Kikilarue.com, there Jeggings are the absolute bomb.com!

katie January 31, 2013 at 4:50 pm

have you tried express? i’m 5’3, huge boobs, smaller waist/hips, and thunderish thighs. i bought their red stella skinny jeans, they were really snug at first but then stretched out some. i have to wear a belt with them, but i really like. also, just got a pair of their regular denim stella skinnies. love.

Rachael January 31, 2013 at 4:58 pm

What is with the Rockstar Jeans obsession? Are these all vaginal baby pushers that don’t have our extra flap? I tried them on and wanted to SCREAM at the dressing room attendants.. WHYYYY WHYYYY did I come here? I hate old navy for those jeans.
signed,

still bitter and flappy

maidup January 31, 2013 at 4:59 pm

Hmmm…looks like I’d be a fan of the BDG’s! I’ve never been good with skinny jeans because I’m short…and hour glassy which means I got a booty, but my upper thighs are also proportionate to my body type ie a little wider than most ;) I guess they just scare me …bleh…but I want to be fashionable! ;) Thanks for the post! I’m going to try them!

Kelsea January 31, 2013 at 5:04 pm

The Paige Skylines are amazing! You have to try them. I have them on right now. And I, too, HATE those dumbass Old Navy rockstar jeans. They make me feel way more like a rock (or boulder) and not so much star.

mommylisa January 31, 2013 at 5:16 pm

I agree on Old Navy jeans. Ugh. The Rockstar is the WORST though.

Jamie January 31, 2013 at 5:22 pm

I love legging jeans. Modg is too small, but my favorite legging jeans are from Lane Bryant, they fit us fat girls so well, but make us look a few sizes smaller. I really like them and they are affordable.

Amber January 31, 2013 at 5:31 pm

I HATE those damn Old Navy Rockstar jeans! Other Old Navy jeans are fab, but those stupid Rockstars…. I have a similar issue to you. Long torso, short legs, but I also have what my family likes to call a ghetto booty and zero hips. How I carried, and then delivered a baby with not hips, I’ll never know. But I feel ya on trying to find a decent postpartum jean! They have maternity clothes, why can’t they come up a postpartum line?! I mean I’m just sayin…

Hope January 31, 2013 at 6:07 pm

Thanks so much for this post! I have a very similar body shape, had my second child 5 months, and am searching for some good jeans. Did you buy the Levi’s in Short? I was a 2/4 before pregnancy, am currently a 6+, and considering buying the 11′s. Does that sound about right?

Amy L. January 31, 2013 at 6:22 pm

My faves are by far the Madewell skinny skinny jeans. Very flattering and I’m built just like your diagram up there post-baby. A bit more money than Gap, but not as much as some of the others at Nordstrom. I did try the American Eagle jeggings because they were cheap and I needed something for that first pair after the maternity jeans don’t cut it but you know you’ll only wear them for a few weeks. I had to go up a size- they worked for awhile but eventually I grew to hate them because as my mid-section and butt shrank with breast feeding, I felt like they kept falling down.

Jenna January 31, 2013 at 6:26 pm

Try blank denim. Im simialrish in size to you and i wore my blank jeans (leggings) throughout my prenancy and post preg (my daughter is 3 months old). I would go up 1-2tosizes for max comfort. I own a clothing boutique and we sell that brand. Check em out. Ladybirdgalena dot com.

Anna January 31, 2013 at 6:31 pm

I love this review! I wore Old Navy skinnies for year – and looked like a lumpy butt – the pockets are too high, and it makes my tush look low. No Good.

Now I wear NY&Company Super Soft Super Stretch Jean Legging: a higher rise, and the denim is a little more sturdy (smoothly out my shape) without being stiff. NY&C has tons of sales and coupons, so I never pay more than about $25!

After your recommendation, I might have to try AG – I’ve heard so many good things!

tara January 31, 2013 at 6:40 pm

Lucky Brand Skinny Lola Stretch (NOT SUPER STRETCH) are awesome. I have no ass but I have a waist, so normally pants look awful on me. These ones give me a hot ass. Check them out. I even got to go down a size (!) which never happens.

Navigating the Mothership January 31, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Interesting!

So last year when I was in the postpartum frump phase I got the Levi 535 based on NYMJ rec. Glad to know NOW why I had to go up so many sizes (at the time I was so sadly accepting of it all). Anyway, I agree that the rise is just a tad too low (also long torsoed and am very hour-glassy in general so I need to keep love handles contained in a smooth-like fashion) but they have been a solid back-up for a year.

And then I finally went shopping for real jeans (lost the weight a year ago, but 2 kids, busy, don’t like shopping, etc.) and I ended up getting designer jeans for the first time since my Gerbaud’s in 8th grade (RIP Gerbaud’s). I got the Hudson NICOs in black and they are lovely, especially the rise. And I also fit very nicely into the AG Jessie (more bootcut/straight), so file that away for when you are back at fighting weight.

Hang in there. Right now can be hard times adjusting to two but it gets easier. Peruse my blog for proof if you like :)

Carrie January 31, 2013 at 6:50 pm

First of all, thank you for the rockstar hate. WORST. JEANS. EVER. I had to go up two sizes in old navy and immediately felt like the fattest person to ever walk the Earth. Secondly, my current favorite jeans are H&M’s – I think the brand is &? One of my pairs says &SLIM and one says &SQIN. I do slim leg and regular waist, but low waist isn’t stupid low. ALSO, they’re sized by waist and leg length, which is awesome as I’m also 5’2. They’re the first skinny jeans I’ve found that I like that also aren’t a million dollars. Hope that helps!

Wendy January 31, 2013 at 7:17 pm

So I’m still in college and way, way, way far from having a baby, but I DESPISE the old navy rockstar jeans, too. They’re terrible. Worse than terrible. BUT the “sweetheart” skinny jeans at Old Navy are some of my faves– especially for being so cheap. They’re way higher rise, and more jean-y than stretchy. It’s worth a shot!

Emily January 31, 2013 at 7:27 pm

Ok first off – I swear I’m not getting paid to say this (which you might suspect due to the fact that this is the first comment I’ve ever left on your blog which I’ve been following off and on for a while bc you don’t say stupid things like “I’m a SAHM and I wouldn’t trade it for the world!!!” like other mombloggers – but I digress -) you HAVE to get back to Target and try on the Levi’s Denizen skinnies. I just got the colored kind in blue (bc they were on sale and the plain ones weren’t, and I am shit broke) -and they are MAGIC. The mid-rise is right where I need it to be, and they just suck my cellulite and baby leftovers all in so snug and fly, and I feel good in them. Which says a lot. And speaking of – you need to go easy on your hot self, lady. You look super cute and skinny in that toilet pic! despite the weird legs of those jeans. Speak well of yourself. Or I’ll punch you.

Brianna January 31, 2013 at 7:58 pm

I’m a fatty, like legit, and only 5’2″. I’m not sure what it is, but I swear the Rockstar jeans keep my fatness contained. Its the best. Perhaps you need to be of a certain heft for them to work their magic?

Katy January 31, 2013 at 7:58 pm

HATE Old Navy Rockstars. I look whale-like. I have Levi’s and NYC. The Levi’s are fantastic, but I’ve gained some weight from weaning and BAH. The NYC’s are great…for about 2 hrs, and then they look way too baggy.

Lauren January 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm

Ever try HUE leggings in hosiery department of major department stores? $39

Heather January 31, 2013 at 8:31 pm

I am 5’2 also and weighted 132 after having my son.. I have a longer torso and shorter legs so I feel you and the only jeans that worked for me were from express… I suggest you try the skinny jeans or jeggings

mary January 31, 2013 at 9:28 pm

The loft skinny isn’t the real “skinny” Jean. The modern legging is their real skinny Jean! Try them

Cassie January 31, 2013 at 9:35 pm

I usually just get cheaper jeans (Old Navy on the regular and Gap would be a splurge), but I just really splurged on a pair of the Hudson Nico jeans you mentioned. LOVE!!! My body is better than where I was a few months ago, but not where I’d like it to be, with the worst part being the belly (two babies will do that to you, as well as not give you a chance to work out). Love the higher rise – it just keeps it all tucked in nicely. And ON RockStars are horrific on me too! Although I really wish they weren’t.

tiffany January 31, 2013 at 10:18 pm

I am built like a cartoon Jessica rabbit minus the bum, so muffin top is a frequent issue of mine. Ny&co skinny jeans work so well and the rise says low, but it is not.

elaine January 31, 2013 at 10:28 pm

best. post. ever.

Whitney January 31, 2013 at 10:59 pm

You should give the Vicky’s siren a chance. Plus you don’t have to bother going to the mall and trying them on in the depressing ass fluorescent lights. I like putting my UPS guy to work!

Amanda February 1, 2013 at 12:10 am

Forever 21 has denim jegging type jeans! Best I have found and the price is great!!

Rachel Starr February 1, 2013 at 12:23 am

Soooo this is my first visit to your blog and it couldn’t be more timely! I am ALWAYS on the hunt for a good pair of jeans. I’m a mom to 2 kids so I feel your pain ;) I just recently found H&M’s &Denim line does a “regular waist” skinny jean that I am in love with. It’s sorta high waisted with lots of stretch. Even better? They’re $40!

collee February 1, 2013 at 6:28 am

i got my first pair of american eagle jeans in a super long time and i super love them. if you ever are brave enough to go back in, i say do it. my high-end recc? acne jeans. oh man acne jeans are the best. strech, good for petite people and forgiving high-rise waist (i get the cut called kex). they are $200 and i got them in a previous life when i worked 100 hours a week, never went out, and could buy $200 jeans. holy moly it’s a scary addiction – after four years i have to go get a new pair since they are almost threadbare and i don’t know if i can drop that kind of dough again. i’ll have to try some of your affordable recs here!

mindi February 1, 2013 at 8:00 am

geez, SO GLAD i’m not the only one out there who hates the RockStars at ON. that place is overrated. i’m not anywhere near your body type (pretty much the opposite – big booty and small waist), so i’m not going to tell you what jeans to try…. but, i agree, post baby jean shopping sucks. jean shopping in general sucks unless you’re a REAL rockstar and can afford the fancy pants.
and does anyone else, big booty-ed like myself, find several higher waisted jeans have back pockets that are too high, therefore making my butt look 5 times bigger? no? just me? damn it.

lisa February 1, 2013 at 8:54 am

Another super cheap suggestion are the SO jeans at Kohls in the juniors section if you can wear juniors. For $20, I have them in about 3 sizes so I could wear them right after the baby, again when I lost a little weight, and now that I’m back in my old ones. Scary, but these fit me better than any of the expensive ones! Damn Express for discontinuing my old fave skinnies!

Dana February 1, 2013 at 11:04 am

Second Yoga Jeans – a little pricier but most comfortable jeans ever. And I was actually able to wear these while pregnant (longer than all of my other pants anyway) :)

Robin February 1, 2013 at 11:22 am

NY & Company skinny jeans (NOT the curvy skinny jeans) are amazing. They keep in the flab, have the right amount of stretch and are dirt cheap. And by the way, I’ve birthed two babies, and I would be thrilled to look like you do!

Alexia February 1, 2013 at 11:29 am

LOL! I love your honesty and humor. I totally needed that today. I have a similar post baby body (ahem, although two YEARS post partum… I’ve been an exercise slacker and have found that the paleo diet (or anything with nuts as a food source) doesn’t help me lose weight either but then I’m not so disciplined on portion control, oops)) and I am looking for some new jeans. Thanks for the tips!!

emily February 1, 2013 at 12:06 pm

The fourth picture on the amazon site for the junior levi jeans, scares me…

Lynet Witty February 1, 2013 at 2:17 pm

I am SO glad to hear you say that Old Navy jeans are just a plain NO. Gawwwwd, they’re horrid jeans! Kudos on the list. Sorry that you had to try on a million pair. I use the Target ones and they are super stretchy for this big ass of mine…Love them.

Ann February 1, 2013 at 3:16 pm

I just had my 4th baby, so I can relate to your post. Thanks for the humor and the tips. I found these jeans and the high waist helps hold it all in. They have a good amount of stretch since they are legging jeans.
http://www.herbergers.com/shop/women/jeans/calvin-klein-jeans-denim-jegging_520297.html

Claire February 1, 2013 at 5:43 pm

There’s a version of J.Crack’s toothpick with high waist (maybe it was last year’s?) — the only one that works for my short leg, small butt, and muffin-topped belly. Why the heck they make all skinny jeans low-raise? Good luck with your search & thanks for all the reviews.

Darcy February 1, 2013 at 11:20 pm

Hilariously, Rockstars are what I have, and what I wear – and I think I hate them too! I thought I just looked bad in jeans. But this post – not to mention the millions of anti-Rockstar comments – has made me reconsider.

I feel a bit stupid.

Sunny February 2, 2013 at 9:02 am

I wear the Always Skinny jeans from GAP and lurve them. Except they split right by my crotch bc I buy them too small (the sales person ALWAYS convinces me to get a 2, not a 4). Anway, they made a higher rise version and they were AWESOME. I’m not sure if they still have them, but they were “jeanier” than the jeggings but higher rise so they sucked my gut in. And the ATL jeans you tried on are in my trash can right now. I didn’t even want to ride back to the store with them to return. Keep up with the Paleo, it WILL pay off! Just stop eating the junk, even if it is Paleo junk. Love!

Michele February 2, 2013 at 9:40 am

I have been Paleo for over a year. When I first started I gained weight too. My coach told me to ditch the nuts, keep the coconut and/or avacado for my fat. It’s way to easy to overeat the nuts. Good luck!

St Sahm February 2, 2013 at 10:00 am

Modg, you are gorgeous even though you feel disgusting. I have my Diesel and Express jeans tailored and it solves everything.

Rachel February 2, 2013 at 8:43 pm

I still think you should try the pilcro stet slim ankle from anthro. not crazy expensive (but also not cheap) and i have really short legs and don’t need to hem them, plus the are high rise enough to hold in the uterus but not 1970s charlie’s angels high.

Kelsi February 3, 2013 at 9:32 pm

I’m am American Eagle girl all the way! My son is 15.5 months old and I’m finally shedding most of the left overs from pregnancy, but I’m back in my old size (even though nothing is in the same place). I live in the Skinny, Jeggings, and Artist styles. Everyone is different though :)

Kaitlin February 4, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Lol’ed through your review! Can totally relate, but you’re much funnier. ;-) Thanks for the post (and laugh) MODG! :)

Emily February 4, 2013 at 6:31 pm

I know you don’t want to spend a lot of money but hear me out… 7 for all mankind: Roxanne Original Skinny in New Rinse. Miracle jeans. I bought the jeans when I was at my regular weight and they were tight but perfect… I gained a solid 10-15 lbs (due to stress, not a baby) and could still wear them comfortably. The best part is that I have lost most of the weight I had gained and these jeans still fit beautifully! They aren’t low rise but they hold in the muffin top, they have stretch in them for fat and/or skinny days and the rinse of the jean makes my legs look super long and skinny. The only downfall is that they are long so you will need to get them altered (I don’t think they make a short version) and they’re 7′s so they aren’t cheap. Try them!

Lisa February 5, 2013 at 1:40 pm

MODG – I have some info that may make you feel a bit better about not buying those AG jeans. I too, LOVED them in the store. So comfy and cute and flattering. THEN I wore them for 15 minutes after I bought them and they knees and legs stretch so much. So disappouinted. I still wear them all of the time because they were damn expensive, and they are fine for the day and around the house and whatnot, but I got them to wear with some heels and cute tops to go out and they just sag too much for that. They drive me nuts and I throw them in the dyer to shrink them up every chnace i get. Be glad you didn’t spend the money on them!

Kate February 5, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Loving this post and pending next installment. Not sure if anyone has mentioned H&M skins. 9.99. And real jeans. With pockets. Not jeggings. Awesome. They told me they might not make them anymore, so I may or may not have bought 5 pairs when I was in there last. High enough on short me. They stretch out after first wear, but then stay steady. Worth a try. And being short I can just roll under cuffs and they stay. No need to hem. Added bonus.

Jenn February 7, 2013 at 11:30 am

Not sure if you are signed up for rue la la deals but AG jeans are on there today with a lot of skinny options for great prices!! Just a heads up

kantan February 8, 2013 at 12:10 am

thanks for the awesome advice on jeans choice..my body is exactly similar to the sketch u made and was wondering if skinny jeans wud look good on me. To my eyes you dont look fat at all.

Ashley February 10, 2013 at 8:58 pm

Sorry if these have already been mentioned, but I didn’t read through all of the comments…

I’m 30 and haven’t had children, but I do have a small waist/big booty combo that makes jean shopping difficult. The two that have worked best on my body are:

American Eagle skinny
Forever 21 skinny jeans/jeggings

I originally felt a bit silly going into either of these stores, but out of desperation I tried them both for jeans and was pleasantly surprised. At American Eagle, I’ve gotten the skinny and skinny crop – I’m about 5’4″ and the “crop” version actually hits perfectly just below my ankles (without having to get the ankle-lengthed jean, which skews the crotchal region on me). The only downside to shopping at a tween store is that you have to go up in sizing quite a bit; I’m normally a 6 but have to buy size 10 at AE…meh, worth it for jeans that fit well.

Good luck :)

al February 11, 2013 at 10:07 am

i also gave birth 3 months ago to a baby girl and just went shopping yesterday for the first time… i have to say that the jbrand 620 jeggings are amazing. they are mid-rise (similar to the other ones posted here and come in all sorts of colors). http://www.jbrandjeans.com/leggings_mid-rise/pl/c/319.html

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