Can someone get me the 19 kids and counting mom on the phone? I mean, I know she has Jesus on her team, but man alive, 2 kids is advanced mom stuff. And yet again, I think, like every family in the world has at least 2 kids. WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT? I’m talking about it. It’s hard. Real hard. Hard enough where I occasionally consider getting Jesus involved.
Ok to be fair, G has been sick. For a week. Like fever, and hateseverythingandwhiiiiiinesaboutbananasandtrucksandeverythiiiiiiiingelse. Now add in a newborn. Dudes, someone was looking out for me in the universe when they gave me Ruby. This girl is chill. It’s the only way I’ve survived sick G. I mean the baby has to eat and be changed and she’s cool with the rest. I don’t know whose womb she came from, but it wasn’t mine. I’m actively looking into conspiracies and hospital shenanigans.
She lets me do nonsense like this and play “toddlers and tiaras” to the imaginary judges. B’s a big fan.
But yeah, I thought it was the flu. It wasn’t the flu. We had him tested at the doctor. Apparently B thinks that it not being the flu means it’s easier around here for me to handle this situation and can be unavailable. Mark my words internet, this is the last time B takes G to the doctor and gets the diagnosis before me. So I was on my own with the kids during black plague 2013. If anyone knows this story already, it’s Amazon. I immediately ordered 15 supplements and vitamins. Then the extra probiotics. Then the stuff to make Kombucha. THEN the chinese stuff to keep from getting sick. I know you’re like, what about stuff to actually get G better? Here’s the thing about toddlers: they don’t give a shit. You’re like here kid, take this spoon full of sugar covered chocolate rainbow cookie cake candy and you will grow wings and fly to a better place. And they are all HELL NO am I opening my mouth for anything, including water. Thank you. And so we suffer. And all I can do is protect myself from the beast.
The beast that is the germy toddler. I had to teach G what germs are. I told him that little buggies were living on his clothes and skin and in the air around him. He said, BUGGIES OUTSIDE! And I said, yes, buggies do live outside. But right now you have your own tiny buggies and they make us sick. So keep your buggies to yourself. I think it sort of worked. I can tell because he licked his sister’s face 60% less. He instead took his affections out on Charlie. Charlie really took one for the team.
ALL you want to do is get to the nap part of the day. Then nap comes and baby is awake and wants to nurse. She nurses and falls asleep. The second you sit at your computer to check out the skinny jeans that you all recommended to me, you hear MOMMY MOMMY COME IN COME IN. You go to the toddler and he’s standing there looking at you like, well? And you’re like WHAT? And he’s like “wall” (and points to the wall). And you’re like. YEP THAT’S THE WALL. GO BACK TO SLEEP. And he does. For 15 minutes. And then the newborn is awake again after the “wall” notification. And then G is climbing out of the crib and it’s over. Your life that is.
Toddler’s bodies are just giant vats of sick and germ continuously finding new viruses to surprise and delight. Like my friend’s kid currently has a rash that resembles a map of China all over his back and leg. The doctor was like, no big deal. Toddler virus. G had a 102.9 fever, a cold sore and a continuous drainage from his nose. Doc? Toddler virus. If I had any of that shit, I’d be in the hospital before you can say WebMD. But toddlers are so gross, that this is normal.
But it’s almost over. ALMOST. I foresee at least 3-4 more days of this BS in our future before we’re back to normal. There aren’t enough Disney Pixar movies to get me through it, I promise you that. We’ve moved onto grade B entertainment like YoGabbaGabba. Which I thought was out of my life for good. I was very wrong.
So friends, I hope you enjoyed this poorly thought out post. Because these days I have no idea who will cry and take me away from the computer. So I just go. And you get what you get.
If Jesus is on your team, put in a good word.