Species alert: Sick Toddler. Please stay indoors and avoid playgrounds and grocery carts until they are all jailed and quarantined.

Can someone get me the 19 kids and counting mom on the phone? I mean, I know she has Jesus on her team, but man alive, 2 kids is advanced mom stuff. And yet again, I think, like every family in the world has at least 2 kids. WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT? I’m talking about it. It’s hard. Real hard. Hard enough where I occasionally consider getting Jesus involved.

Ok to be fair, G has been sick. For a week. Like fever, and hateseverythingandwhiiiiiinesaboutbananasandtrucksandeverythiiiiiiiingelse. Now add in a newborn. Dudes, someone was looking out for me in the universe when they gave me Ruby. This girl is chill. It’s the only way I’ve survived sick G. I mean the baby has to eat and be changed and she’s cool with the rest. I don’t know whose womb she came from, but it wasn’t mine. I’m actively looking into conspiracies and hospital shenanigans.


She lets me do nonsense like this and play “toddlers and tiaras” to the imaginary judges. B’s a big fan.

But yeah, I thought it was the flu. It wasn’t the flu. We had him tested at the doctor. Apparently B thinks that it not being the flu means it’s easier around here for me to handle this situation and can be unavailable. Mark my words internet, this is the last time B takes G to the doctor and gets the diagnosis before me. So I was on my own with the kids during black plague 2013. If anyone knows this story already, it’s Amazon. I immediately ordered 15 supplements and vitamins. Then the extra probiotics. Then the stuff to make Kombucha. THEN the chinese stuff to keep from getting sick. I know you’re like, what about stuff to actually get G better? Here’s the thing about toddlers: they don’t give a shit. You’re like here kid, take this spoon full of sugar covered chocolate rainbow cookie cake candy and you will grow wings and fly to a better place. And they are all HELL NO am I opening my mouth for anything, including water. Thank you. And so we suffer. And all I can do is protect myself from the beast.

The beast that is the germy toddler. I had to teach G what germs are. I told him that little buggies were living on his clothes and skin and in the air around him. He said, BUGGIES OUTSIDE! And I said,  yes, buggies do live outside. But right now you have your own tiny buggies and they make us sick. So keep your buggies to yourself. I think it sort of worked. I can tell because he licked his sister’s face 60% less. He instead took his affections out on Charlie. Charlie really took one for the team.


ALL you want to do is get to the nap part of the day. Then nap comes and baby is awake and wants to nurse. She nurses and falls asleep. The second you sit at your computer to check out the skinny jeans that you all recommended to me, you hear MOMMY MOMMY COME IN COME IN. You go to the toddler and he’s standing there looking at you like, well? And you’re like WHAT? And he’s like “wall” (and points to the wall). And you’re like. YEP THAT’S THE WALL. GO BACK TO SLEEP. And he does. For 15 minutes. And then the newborn is awake again after the “wall” notification. And then G is climbing out of the crib and it’s over. Your life that is.

Toddler’s bodies are just giant vats of sick and germ continuously finding new viruses to surprise and delight. Like my friend’s kid currently has a rash that resembles a map of China all over his back and leg. The doctor was like, no big deal. Toddler virus. G had a 102.9 fever, a cold sore and a continuous drainage from his nose. Doc? Toddler virus. If I had any of that shit, I’d be in the hospital before you can say WebMD. But toddlers are so gross, that this is normal.

But it’s almost over. ALMOST. I foresee at least 3-4 more days of this BS in our future before we’re back to normal. There aren’t enough Disney Pixar movies to get me through it, I promise you that. We’ve moved onto grade B entertainment like YoGabbaGabba. Which I thought was out of my life for good. I was very wrong.

So friends, I hope you enjoyed this poorly thought out post. Because these days I have no idea who will cry and take me away from the computer. So I just go. And you get what you get.


If Jesus is on your team, put in a good word.






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POSTED IN: babies,Dramababy,Mom Stuff,Not Pleased,Toddlers


Marjorie January 27, 2013 at 11:21 am

Dude, my older kids have basically been sick since our baby was born. That’s over 3 months of non-stop snot, fevers, vomit, diarrhea and whining. Ridiculous. Even the baby got in on this last round of germ sharing. This shit is exhausting. Everything in my house smells like Vicks.

Amy! January 27, 2013 at 11:21 am

That picture of G hugging Charlie is all I could ever hope for when I have babies.

Rachael January 27, 2013 at 11:38 am

My toddler boy is currently coughing all over me while he puts train stickers in his sticker book which is conveniently on my lap. I’m covered in buggies. And we are only on day 3.

Dana January 27, 2013 at 11:42 am

My 3 year old would not take his medicine until we gave to him in one of those big plastic syringes they give you with your prescription! He thinks it is the greatest thing ever especially if he gets to plunge it into his mouth himself. Now he slugs down this fairly nasty herbal concoction I give him and asks for more! He has also happily taken horrid orange flavored antibiotics with it! Give it a shot!

Jenn January 27, 2013 at 12:04 pm

“You’re like here kid, take this spoon full of sugar covered chocolate rainbow cookie cake candy and you will grow wings and fly to a better place.” Unfortunately this is so, so true. Mine are sick right now too and you can’t bribe them with anything…they hate the world and WHINE about it! It makes me stress eat straight out of the ice cream carton. Two kids is super tough and sick kids are even tougher :(

Lisa January 27, 2013 at 12:17 pm

I so know where you’re at, mine are 18 months apart. But, neither is nice enough their germs to themself, and we all three will share the cold the baby currently has. Somehow dads are immune, which seems wrong, since moms he one who needs to take care of everyone. Good luck!

Julie January 27, 2013 at 12:34 pm

We’ve barely left the house since Boston was declared a state of emergency because of the Flu. I’m sure people think I’m nuts but being pregnant and having a 2 year old makes that risk way too big to take. As far as I’m concerned – everyone on the ‘outside’ is a walking germ fest. Spring just can’t come soon enough!

I was so desperate to get my toddler to take Tylenol one time that I removed the jelly from a munchkin and tried to replace it with the meds. No go. Our meds are now delivered in a ‘magic drink’ that consists of Tylenol, some diluted orange gatorade, and a straw in daddy’s favorite glass. I have no idea why that works, but thank goodness something does!

Anne January 27, 2013 at 2:31 pm

I have 3 kids (in three years mind you…yeah, that happened), and we too have barely left the house since Chicago got whipped into a flu frenzy either! Makes for a reallllly fun January. Oldest goes to preschool in the afternoons (best idea ever = afternoon preschool) but other than that I’m not about to let them suck on some flu infested train at the Children’s Museum.

Gracie January 27, 2013 at 12:59 pm

Rubes is TOO adorable. I don’t have kids so I’ll just say irrelevant things like I think you should have a reality show. I’d watch it. Let’s pitch it to Bravo.

Mari January 27, 2013 at 3:07 pm

I second everything in this comment!

Karen January 27, 2013 at 1:36 pm

Just want to say, thanks for keeping it real! I think this is my first comment but I’m a long time reader, just had a baby 5 months ago and thinking about the next one and I deeply appreciate honest viewpoints. Because no doubt it’s awesome to have a little one, but there is a lot of drama involved and sad/bad moments and it makes it worse when other moms act like its nothing but perfect shiny moments.

Ashley January 27, 2013 at 1:44 pm

Is the thieves oil not working to clear that shit?

Cortney January 27, 2013 at 2:13 pm

I bow down to those who have 2+ kiddos. One is kicking my @$$ big time!!

Katie January 27, 2013 at 2:14 pm

My toddler and HUSBAND had a stomach virus. I did a years worth of laundry in two days. Somehow I avoided getting sick but did not avoid all of the care taking and clean up. Just keep B healthy, sick toddlers are easier.

Faith January 28, 2013 at 9:23 am

Here, here! Especially when the said sick husband just lies in bed moping the whole time while you’re the one cleaning up vomit and snot from every surface! The worst was then I got sick and had a fully recuperated toddler on my hands, but no one to take care of me so that I could just sleep for hours like hubs got to do. Am I resentful? Maybe, a little…


Mo January 29, 2013 at 12:00 pm

OOOh, I love the sick husband/toddler game of torture. You’re right-though they bear great resemblance, the toddlers are actually a bit easier.

Amanda, I totally suggets that you take all precautions against getting sick too, because yeah. No one takes care of sick mommies. Its balls.

Rachel January 27, 2013 at 2:52 pm

Ruby could give any celebrity baby a run for their money in that outfit. So adorable!

julie s. January 27, 2013 at 3:33 pm

Toddlers are gross and sick toddlers totally suck, can’t wait to throw an infant into the picture.

Now…are we going to get a skinny jeans review??

Megan January 27, 2013 at 5:52 pm

Girl – I FEEL you. Apropos of nothing, I broke my toe this morning, have a 3 year old, a 4 year old, and can’t wait for tomorrow morning when they’re both at school and I can be here with my damn foot up watching God knows what on TV – I don’t even care at this point. Two kids is no fucking joke and it’s just like all the other shit no one ever tells you about – how your joints will ache for weeks after childbirth, how breastfeeding could be your own personal version of hell, how your va-jay-jay and poor bottom may never be the same, and that it’s just a total non-stop freak show. My worst memory of a newborn and a 20 month old is that the 20 month old was sick, would scream at me, collapse into a nap in child’s pose on the floor for half an hour, then wake up and scream some more, while his baby brother was screaming to eat. It was the worst decision making moment of my life – whose needs to meet first? I think I’m still getting over it…

Jessica January 27, 2013 at 6:10 pm

Hang in there, MODG! And whenever you don’t really want to come up with words for a post, you could just post pictures of G hugging cats and Ruby being so darling I almost can’t take it. Because they are so stinking cute.

Katie E. January 27, 2013 at 6:15 pm

I did just laugh really hard at this. My house has been plague central since Christmas. My oldest son is in kindergarden and I have gone back to work and am teaching at a public high school. My husband works on a college campus in a different town. Plus we go to church where there are a lot of people who work, and go to school at different schools. So basically we are a petrie dish. You survive it, is all I am going to say. I did go to the doctor yesterday and tell him that I had to be well by Monday and to load me up with whatever could get me back on my feet enough to keep thirty-five 9th graders in their seats for 90 minutes a block. I got an antibiotic injection, a steroid injection and a prescription of high powered oral antibiotics. I also got the recommendation to pick up more probiotics because my delicate IBS stomach was going to hate me for a week. None of us have had the flu either, but sister let me tell you, it has been a rough winter for everyone. Good luck!

Rebecca January 27, 2013 at 7:01 pm

love that Ruby outfit! Sparkles galore!

JULI C January 27, 2013 at 7:31 pm

Honestly, EVERY family i know has had this flu/virus thingy going around! It will pass.
Oh and your friends kid that had that rash?!?!
Mine had that…. freaked me out when the spots joined together to make a gigantic rash!!! :P
Of course it was just a virus…. lasted for 3 days….

Everything is back to normal,,, rainbows and sparkles and sprinkles =)

Kenya January 27, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Oh my!!!! You are surviving so that’s a plus!!!! Just hang in there for a bit longer. Ruby, is so freaking adorable… she made me second guess my outfit. Good luck with germies.

JustAng January 27, 2013 at 9:23 pm

I’ve never commented here before, but I HAD to this time: That “wall” part of the story had me laughing out loud (which is saying a lot since I’ve slept 2 hours, thanks to my own germ-infested toddler.) Thanks for brightening my day!

Here's To A Boring Year January 27, 2013 at 11:30 pm

Dudes. One thing about having a cancer baby is you (eventually) learn how to get the drugs into them. An NG tube helps.

But seriously , here’s the secret.

Measure out the dose in a syringe. Take toddler and syringe to the couch. Sit toddler on your lap, and pin his legs with yours, his arms with your upper arms. One hand on the forehead to get his head back and still-ish.

Then stick the syringe into the corner of his mouth and squirt meds a bit at a time into his cheek pocket.

Here’s the kicker – DO NOT take the syringe out of his mouth until he’s swallowed. For some reason this makes the medicine go down instead of out.

For reals. Try it.

Megan January 28, 2013 at 9:08 pm

Could also try Feverall acetaminophen suppositories…if you dare…

Brittany January 28, 2013 at 12:45 am

I’m currently battling a 16 month old who is teething and has a cold. Talk about losing your mind. Anytime I say no he collapses and cries like I’ve stabbed him. The ONLY thing that saved my sanity is DVR’d episodes of Fresh Beat Band. And nap times suck bc instead of the usual 2 goes, he’s down to an hour or less, making him devil baby about 30 min after he wakes up. Grandma was here this weekend so we, thankfully, had her here to run interference.

Brittany January 28, 2013 at 12:45 am

* 2 hours

Katy January 28, 2013 at 8:05 am

My 20 m/o was sick last week. I STILL do not have the stupid Thomas theme song out of my head. But I can’t imagine doing it with 2. Thank goodness Ruby is so chill!

my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you January 28, 2013 at 8:28 am

yo gabba rocks so hard. (shakes head)

Elizabeth January 28, 2013 at 12:39 pm

oh i miss seeing Charlie pictures and posts! Way to go Charlie for taking on for the team:)

Lauren January 28, 2013 at 3:18 pm

SO sorry to hear G is sick! No fun!!!

Also, LOVE that picture of Ruby! What color is your wall paint? GOrgeous!

Monica January 28, 2013 at 5:04 pm

Dude, I hear ya!!! My 19-month old got sick last Tuesday.. nothing serious, barky cough & I was all “meh, just a cold”. Come Thursday we are desperately trying to get her to see the doctor bc she is coughing like a dying person, runny nose, fever, wheezing the bejesus out of her lungs. Apparently she has a throat infection and is now on antibiotics & nebulizer meds til kingdom come (actually 10 days but good lord that’s a long time). Usually she perks up around day 2 of drugs…. not this time. It is day 5 & I’m finally seeing a turning point… but seriously, 5 days of very little/broken sleep, WHINEY child & too much snot, I’m burnt out.
And I don’t have a newborn. Kudos to you mama!!!

Veralynn @ Joie de V January 28, 2013 at 6:45 pm

Is it bad that the real sympathy didn’t kick in until I saw that you’ve transitioned down to levels where men with orange jumpsuits and boomboxes dwell? Yikes. I prescribe wine and lots of trashy reality TV once G is in bed for the night.

This too shall pass (referring to the Yo Gabba Gabba),

Lauren January 29, 2013 at 5:58 am

Hey MODG, love your blog. Like, a lot. However, I know you have two kids and and all; totally get it. Will you also respond to the other part of your blog?You are neglecting martinis. The narratives are wonderful,but can you (pretty please) speak about “adult life” during, and after pregnancy?


Marjorie January 29, 2013 at 3:36 pm

Isn’t being a parent part of “adult life”? I’m confused.

Christy January 29, 2013 at 4:09 pm

? Well Lauren, you must not have kids dear. I “imagine” this is her life. Prob not to much time for martinis. I know as a mom of two kids under two, “adult life” is the five minutes you get to breath once a week when your kids actually sleep at the same time! And then, all you want to do is sleep for those five minutes. Just speaking from a personal point of view though.

Kate January 29, 2013 at 6:30 pm

I don’t think Lauren meant to be mean; she’s clearly a big MODG fan, so no need to be condescending. I’ve been reading MODG since its hysterical “Martini” beginnings, and while I don’t have kids, and most of the content these days doesn’t relate to my life, I still check-in faithfully. This isn’t a mommy only club. We totally get (and support!) that MODG’s priority is her family, and this is her blog reflecting her life. But that doesn’t mean readers don’t miss posts that involve her standing on a toilet…besides being an awesome mama, she’s one hilarious toilet model.

Christy January 29, 2013 at 4:03 pm

Two kids, totally hard! No one told me either. Mine are 18months apart. It’s a whole new level of hell! Glad to hear i’m not the only one that has a hard time with this. My girls go to “school” for a couple hours, a couple days a week (because it’s necessary for my mental health). All the other mom’s come in with hair, and makeup, in cute little tennis outfits, with like 10 kids- and i’m like “what the fuck”! Feel like i’m doing something wrong, in my house of chaos. Ugh. This is why i read you. Makes me feel normal!!!

Christy January 29, 2013 at 4:12 pm

And sweet little Ruby is so beautiful!!!

Kristin January 30, 2013 at 9:46 am

lOVE Ruby’s outfit! My daughter is 2 months old and I am usually too lazy to put her in her cute outfits:( This makes me want to do it more often.

Lisa @bitesforbabies January 31, 2013 at 9:05 am

Was in the same boat last week…thank God there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! ;-)

Marie January 31, 2013 at 2:28 pm

I am about to stop reading your blog because I am pregnant with number 2 and you are seriously scaring the shit out of me. Really! :)

You are very funny and it’s enlightening to hear about someone else’s parenting experiences. But…really…is it that bad? (maybe I should check back in in a year?)

Good luck and I hope your little boy gets over his germies real soon.

Amanda January 31, 2013 at 2:53 pm

OH MY GOSH. I LOVE that picture of Ruby. She could not be any cuter. She looks just like you!! I am sorry you have the sick toddler beast around, but it sounds like you are near the end!

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