knocked up, small beings

Ruby Lee’s birth. Part 1. Obviously this birth is a trilogy.

November 28, 2012

Our story actually begins the night before birth. Once we reached acceptance with surgery, it was surreal to plan for. I re-packed my bags for a 4 night stay, and as I did I still choked back tears as I planned for my daughter’s birth. Although we made peace with the c-section, I felt a small bit of remaining mourning and that my daughter couldn’t come to us how she wanted to. I kept thinking how scary it must be to be born via surgery. But what do I know? Squeezing through a vagina seems scary too.

And as I read G his last books before bed, I muffled through “goodnight stars, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere”. I cried a little as this would be our last moments as just the two of us. This was it. It would never be all about G anymore and he really had no idea how much life was about to change. I cried just a little bit as I said goodbye to those last moments, kissed him goodnight and prepared for battle.

Yes, at that moment, I did see it as battle. Maybe even war. Because honestly, we lost many battles along the way. When asked if I could at least have my hands untied during the surgery, or have the baby placed on my chest, or breastfeed while I was being sewn up…I was told no. After fighting for a VBAC, we were here now. And we lost those battles. But B had promised me that as we walked into surgery, he wouldn’t give up and still fight all the way up to the operation for what we wanted. And for that I was grateful.

5:30am I brushed my teeth and put on makeup. Oh I put on makeup alright. If they were telling me when I was giving birth, I was telling them that there would be makeup….and hair. It was dark and quiet outside. It felt ominous. We should have been high fiving that today was the day. Our daughter was arriving! But I was scared. It was major surgery. And major surgery that could go any way; emotionally or physically.

We didn’t really talk in the car on the way to the hospital. My eyes welled up a few times. This was it.

We get there and the nurse asks why we were there. Ummm to have a baby? Yeah but why so early, she says. BECAUSE YOU TOLD US TO. Like I actually wanted to be there at 630 am. The nurse is very nice but nice only gets you so far when you commit bloody murder on my veins as you jab me with your IV. Having a bad IV for a 4 night hospital stay is like worse than herpes on your face. It hurts all the time and if it’s in a bad spot, you can’t do anything with your hands.Which is totally like herpes on your face.

My doula arrives, thank GOD. A few words about my doula: She is one of those people that you swear is actually a fairy. Even her voice is calming. Her solution to almost every problem is to light a candle. And she was determined to do that in a hospital. And she did it. She was my strength through this. Because she represented the side of me that really wanted this to be a natural experience. And she mourned this with me more than anyone. And having that sort of understanding throughout this was everything. B is supportive, but this isn’t his world. And that’s ok. My doula saved me.

My midwife arrived. I asked her if she was surprised that I showed up. She said no, because I read your blog. Aaaaah…. It always freaks me out when people say that. I’m like, shit, how could I have offended this person? And I mentally scan through my last writings. I sort of expected my midwife to be on team hospital. But she wasn’t. She was on team baby and she wanted this to be a good experience as much as we did. And having her support was really important and such a relief.

Now we wait.

We waited in the little hospital pre-op room. My stomach was in knots. With my last c-section I didn’t have time to think about anything. We just went in and did it. I did think, thank god I’ll get some relief from these contractions. This time was different. I thought about that I was about to be awake while my abdomen was sliced open. I was SCARED.

The surgeon came back and my doula was ON HER. My doula was like, listen sister, I wasn’t in any  meetings. I don’t know the answers to these questions. But can we do this, this and this? And if not tell me why. The surgeon was like, woah hippie girl. But she basically said that they will do the best they can. Because I had given up all hope at this point, I had nothing to lose.

And then we went back to the OR.


Part 2 next.

I know you hate me. I hate me too.




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  • Pickle November 28, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    Honey, I’m impressed you’re posting anything so soon after giving birth :) Take your time!

  • Kate November 28, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    We don’t hate you but…. Cliff hangers …. Just a teensy bit annoyed here. Only because we want the whole story! Your Ruby is a beautiful piece of your work! Can’t wait to read the rest!

  • Erica V November 28, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    I loooove that you put on make up!!!

  • TheReset November 28, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Worst. Cliffhanger. Ever! Or best, depending on how you look at it.

  • Janina P. November 28, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    God damnit… I LOVE YOU. And so does Toilet Mandy doll. (I sure hope you remember that.)

  • Meagan {Green Motherhood} November 28, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Yay for doulas! Holding my breath that you ended up getting some of your wishes met!

    And, girl, I’m with you on the iv’s. missed my vein twice and then thought she found it only to have my arm swell up with fluid (because she obviously missed again). Called the specialists in and the only vein they could find was on my wrist bone. Ugh! Having them take that out was almost as exciting as holding my daughter for the first time.

  • Susan November 28, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    A cliffhanger!!???!?! Geesh, woman! 😉 -Susan from GA

  • Eileen November 28, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    Hahaha… Rock on Doula, Rock on.

  • demi November 28, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    eeeeeee!!!!! the suspense ohhhh the suspense!!! i love that pic btw.

  • Erica V November 28, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Looove that you put on make up!!! Can’t wait to read the other parts.

  • Kayla K. November 28, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    You are absolutely GLOOOOOOWWWWING in that picture! **must say in fruity voice!!**

    Congratulation on Miss Ruby Lee!!

    I also want to say I am glad you described a c-section the way you did a few posts back.

    “Why am I babysitting after surgery” and of course the more detailed descriptions.

    I am a new mom and I also had to have a c-section.

    I was glad to know I wasn’t alone in the way I felt.

    Thank You. So Much.

  • Halley November 28, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Ohhhh, I can’t wait to hear more about your journey. Cheers to your brave face!

  • Leslie November 28, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    You and B seriously look like a brochure for the maternity ward in the first picture. Most of us would be in the midst of an no-photos ugly cry at that point. Amazing.

  • Alison November 28, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    And by next, you mean in like 5 minutes right? Sorry we’re such stalkers!!!

    (But you looked totally beautiful, and have now thoroughly convinced me to have a doula next time no matter what.)

  • Shannon November 28, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    At least B got to wear a “surgical bandanna”….

  • Kristin November 28, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    I had only child time ending tears of guilt as well. It made me super nervous for ppd but thankfully I avoided going into a deep dark hole thanks to a friend. Love your blog. I now have an almost 2 year old (dec 2) and a three month old. Love being on this journey with you!

  • Melissa November 28, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Once my induction for my second child was scheduled, I definitely went through lots of oh my gosh, this is our last moment of..with our first son and shed some tears. We had major growing pains the first couple months but now they are 3 and almost 2 and the best of friends. I love when my youngest wakes up in the morning and all he is wants is his brother. Looking forward to the next part!

  • Fiona November 28, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    I will most likely die from a coronary caused by the suspense of waiting for part 2 and part 3.

    Just sayin.

  • Kate November 28, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Edge of my seat. Of course I expect the next two parts post haste despite the fact that you have a newborn.

  • ElisaM November 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm


  • Ashlee November 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    more, please! Thank you.

    also, go your doula!

  • Kelleyellen November 28, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    “Woah hippie girl”…love it! Already crying, can’t wait for the rest.

  • Brittany November 28, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Even through the stress and mourning, you are very blessed to have B, a doula, and a mid-wife by your side to help you fight for what wanted. <3

  • Jessica November 28, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    H to the Y that situation def calls for makeup. You looked gorgeous. And I do hate waiting and yet love suspense. Go figure. xo

  • Kristin November 28, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    The suspense is killing me! I am currently at 41w3d, facing an induction beginning on Sunday. I am sitting here crying just reading your first installment, hope you post the 2nd part tomorrow…

  • Andrea November 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Ahh! I can’t take the suspense! Can’t wait to read parts 2 and 3 of this trilogy!

  • Kiran@Masala Chica November 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    I know this story ends well, so I don’t mind waiting for all three parts. When people tell me they read my blog, I am always like – oh hell, what have I said about them? I am sorry it didn’t go as planned, but hope you are healing and glad you had a great “team baby.” Every mother delivering needs at least one woman in the room who can fucking calm her ass down.

  • Nicole November 28, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    Baaaaahhhhhhhh! Waiting patiently for more. I guess.

  • Kelly P November 28, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    Aaaaaaahhhh, I want more, I need more! Yeah, I know it ends with Ruby, but this is more suspenseful than waiting for the last Harry Potter book! Not joking!! Cheers for the makeup, I totally layered it on for my scheduled c-section. Your story mirrors my 2 kids so I definitely was not looking hot, just a hot mess the first go round and determined to go glam the second time. BTW, if I don’t sleep tonight because I am writing possible endings you’re to blame. And possibly not sleeping either so not feeling bad about me owl-eyed over here in OH.

  • Dawn November 28, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    Ahhhhh I am dying here! Of COURSE it has to be a trilogy! Can you write it all before 1130 on Friday please please? That is when I have to be at the hospital to welcome my son into this world via c section (this will be my second too). The part about choking up while reading to G is so happening to me too! I am scared and excited but so so sad that my daughter will not be the center of my world. I’m an emotional roller coaster! Anyways…can’t wait to read the rest. Your daughter is beautiful and I only hope to look like the bomb this Friday. Cheers!

  • Theresa November 28, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    I just want to say that I love how much you fought for what you wanted. With my second daughter I really wanted an epidural-free birth (my first was kind of a whirl-wind as she was an emergency induction so I didn’t care what happened, I just wanted her out safely). So with my second, I made it SUPER clear to my midwives (who delivered in the hospital) and after only 7 hours of labor, while I was still managing contractions just fine they said they were going to start me on pitocin “to speed things along”. I don’t know WHY I didn’t say no. Probably because I had been in labor for 7 hours and it was 2:00 in the morning. But I didn’t. I just said, “If you give me pitocin, I want an epidural.” I still get down on myself about that sometimes. At least you did EVERYTHING you could. You exhausted EVERY opportunity and you even recruited a myriad of hippies to proverbial lay themselves down in front of the “bulldozer” surgeons. That takes serious (I want to say balls) ovaries! Ruby will feel like the goddess baby she is when she realizes how important it was for you to have her come to you the way she wanted. Even if she DIDN’T come that way. Even if – ESPECIALLY because – you said “STOP. Do what you have to do. Just get her into my arms safely”. I think that from the begin of this pregnancy – with your high-hopes and proactive research on VBAC’s – to the very end – with your sad, but yet ferocious mama bear instincts that said accept and move forward – you have shown such merit as a mother. Ruby is lucky to have you.

    On a much lighter and somewhat crazy note: I had a dream about you the other night. My husband, kids and I were down at a co-op in Philly being all hippie about our food (something we are for real trying to do – and we do live in the suburbs of Philadelphia) and after we checked out I looked back at the check out line and was like, “Babe. Take the kids. I so know this chick.” It was LBR (life before Ruby) and B was off with G somewhere else in the store. My subconscious flashed back to that post you had about getting noticed for the first time in public (I believe you were in a BRU?) and I was like “Oh my God, she is going to LOVE me for recognizing her”. And you did. And you were like, “Come out for dessert with me and some of my besties after this!” And I did. But in the middle of dessert you started to look different and I was thinking “A looks way prettier than this in the blog. She looked prettier than this in the grocery store a couple of hours ago…” And then my husband showed up and one of your “besties” had gone to school with him and they had dated, and they were totally still in love and I was like, “MODG, tell your girl to step down” and things got real ghetto real quick like. And then I woke up.

    So. That’s the end of that story. I was entertained. Anyway… I have a few glasses of wine and I’m internet posting. God help me. Anyway, I love this story and I will be (not) patiently waiting for part II.

  • colleen November 28, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    can’t wait! yay for your doula!

  • Katrina November 28, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    The suspense is killing me!!!

    BTW, props for the full hair and makeup. You look fab in the photo above :)

  • Amy P. November 28, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    I only have one question. Totally legit too. How the hell do you look so damn pretty at 6:30 in the morning 20 months preggers? It’s really unfair- and I’m not even pregnant.

  • Katrina November 28, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    Ahhh…the suspense is killing me!!!

    BTW, major props for the hair and makeup. You look totally fab in the photo above :)

  • Heather November 28, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. I love the name you chose, my best friend shares the same name. My “baby”Easton just turned 3 in october and I had an emergency c with him. I had a very exact birth plan but vitals over emotions and he was perfect. I became pregnant with his sister 8mo after he was born. I was still so foggy from my PPD after him and memories of horrible birth experience that I elected to have another c-section. My elective went perfectly, aside from the PPD that came along again. I tried meds this time but running was the best medicine for me personally.We are now thinking about another baby, I asked the OB about a vaginal delivery and was pretty much told it won’t happen after 2 c-sections. So I am kicking myself for being ‘selfish’ in my 2nds birth plan while mourning the fact that I will never have a birth that I initially wanted for my 3 year old baby boy(and all of my children). I know we are so different but alike in many ways. You are a beautiful mother and that is all that matters.

  • Tesla November 28, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    AHHH! I don’t think I can wait for part two!! I’m so excited to hear the rest!!

  • DM's Mommy November 28, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    I am on pins & needles right now waiting to read part 2! And I’m a little tipsy from drinking wine from a mini-Starbucks cup. And a little emotional from reiterating to my hubs about how he needs to get a better paying job b/c I just had to pick out medical/dental coverage and I couldn’t get the coverage I wanted but had to get what we could afford. So yeah, I’m ready to read your next part b/c I just know that between B, your midwife, your doula, and you: I know this is going to be an awesome story about Ruby Lee’s birth. Congrats to you, B, and G btw:)

  • Rebecca November 29, 2012 at 12:10 am

    dang you look hot!

  • Brandy S November 29, 2012 at 12:16 am

    So… I can expect part 2 in.. 5 minutes? …10?

  • Sophia November 29, 2012 at 5:03 am

    OMG, I am dying to hear more! Gawd I hope you are going to tell us that your doula kicked some surgeon butt and paved the way for a more hippie-like section! You look gorgeous by the way, and I will totally be doing hair and make up for my section too!

  • kathleen.summers November 29, 2012 at 5:09 am

    Oh my gosh, the title totally cracked me up! Awesome.

    You look amazing. So beautiful! Can’t wait to hear the rest!

  • Here's To A Boring Year November 29, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Oh my god I totally hate you! Talk about a cliffhanger…

    You look amazing and your last moments with G made me cry. I’m not even preg with #2 and I’m already worried about my poor first baby’s life changing!!

  • Here's To A Boring Year November 29, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Oh my god I totally hate you right now! Talk about a cliffhanger…

    You look amazing and your last moments with G made me cry. I’m not even preg with #2 yet and I already worry about how much my first baby’s life will change!

    Also – doulas rock. No-one should give birth without one!

  • Stacy November 29, 2012 at 6:34 am

    I love a good trilogy. Very Lord of The Rings of you.

  • Danielle November 29, 2012 at 8:07 am

    As much as I WANT to hate you, I just can’t. It’s not like you don’t have anything going on…like two children to tend to 😉 We’ll all be waiting (im)patiently for part 2!!! (PS It was totally a tease when I saw Birth Story Part 2 on the suggested links and realized it was about G)

  • Pickle November 29, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Don’t know why my comment didn’t post before but:

    Honey, I am impressed that you are posting anything so soon after giving birth! Take your time, we’ll wait. :)

  • kat November 29, 2012 at 8:52 am


  • Amy@drivethirtythree November 29, 2012 at 8:59 am

    i had my hair blown out the day before my c-section with my daughter. When you know you are going to be stuck in the hospital for 4 days instead of 2, you have to plan appropriately :)

  • Vodka Logic November 29, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Your story sounds so familiar so far, except for the doula and midwife. I went into the hospital the first time expecting to push out a baby and in the middle of the night had a c section. No time to think about it just done.

    The second baby I was going for a vbac but she was breach and a section was scheduled… I thought it would be easier since I knew what to expect. Not so, I was half asleep and exhausted the first time. This time it was noon and I was fully aware of everything they did to me.. and the baby. I was frightened.

    Thanks for sharing your story.. off to read part 2

  • sue diamond-phillips November 29, 2012 at 10:53 am

    You are amazing. I love that you did makeup. I have done my makeup and hair at some of the most horrible times in life because…i don’t know…it’s that weird comfort thing that YOU control this, YOU control what you look like.

  • Theresa November 29, 2012 at 11:02 am


    I’ve been a loyal follow from the beginning of your blog. I can honestly say it’s so beautiful to watch you and your family grow. I think Ruby is absolutely beautiful! Congrats!!!!

  • Hillary November 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

    I know I don’t know you but I feel so unbelievably proud of you. Congratulations.

  • Discover More November 30, 2012 at 7:06 am

    Hey there just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading correctly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different browsers and both show the same outcome.

  • Welker November 30, 2012 at 8:37 am

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