They had me walk back to surgery with the stupid hospital gown that opens in the back that I had to hold shut so my ass didn’t hang out. I hate that. It was time for the spinal.
Everyone says how scary this part it but it was no big deal to me. I barely felt the needle in my back. What I did feel was numbness. But not totally numb. Like you still feel stuff. And you just keep thinking that soon there will be a knife. And I’m thinking I DON’T WANT TO FEEL A KNIFE. But they tell me that the way it works is you feel pressure and touch but not pain. And I had to put some serious trust in that sentence.
B comes in and sits by me. And B is ON IT. I later find out that my doula had a talk with him telling him to be super supportive and encouraging. And he was. He was all “you can do this.” “You’re doing great”. Meanwhile I’m laying half dead on a table doing absolutely nothing. But it helped. It really helped.
And they begin.
And I feel it. I don’t feel pain. But I feel it. I feel pushing and clicks and moving and things and pressure. And I’m thinking, just get the baby out. How long could this take? Cut the skin and stuff then baby out. But it goes on for a while. And it’s starting to get really uncomfortable. And then they tell me I’m about to feel all the air go out of my lungs. Super. And boy do they mean it. They literally had to push on my chest to get the baby out. Many times. It was awful.
About 30 minutes goes by. The shaking started. And yes, my hands were tied down. And the curtain was up, right in my face, almost touching my nose. But the shaking is something that happened with my last c-section. It’s a reaction to the spinal. And at that moment I was grateful that my hands were tied down. Talk about being wrong about something. I couldn’t control my hands and needed them away.
My midwife is checking in, she’s taking pictures and video. And she tells me that she’s big. The baby is very very big. And it’s taking longer to get her out. And after a few more lung pushes, she’s out. And she cries right away. And B and I cry right away. Because that didn’t happen with G. We waited eternal minutes to hear him cry. But she was here, and big and loud and healthy. And B is telling me how beautiful she is. And we’re happy.
And they brought her over to show me. But then they took her away. They did take her away to be checked out, measured, weighed all that nonsense. Yes in a perfect world I would have loved to have her there with me and all that bullshit done right there. And it was a long time before I had her back. It was about a half hour as they put me back together. But as soon as she was out, they untied my hands. And B brought her to me and I could hold her.
I held her and touched her. I couldn’t have skin to skin contact and I couldn’t breastfeed. But at that moment I was still scared. My guts were lying on this table open and I could feel it all still. And it’s very scary and overwhelming. I was still shaking and I just wanted to be out of that room, with my baby. And you can see it in my face in these pictures. I’m unsure of everything, I’m uncomfortable and I’m in a situation that I never thought I’d be in again. It honestly hasn’t even registered that I have my baby.
And then I was out. And my doula was there with a huge smile and encouragement and I needed that.
Because as I tried to breastfeed my baby, every time I looked down, I vomited. And trying to breastfeed without looking down is like not possible. So this picture? It looks like I’m really emotional about having a new baby. And after this moment, I’ll claim that’s exactly what it is. But this picture is pure pain from vomiting. And that’s the truth.
So why didn’t I go into labor on my own? Why didn’t I dilate at all? The head was never engaged. The head was large, my pelvis was small and it just never got down in there to open me up for labor. And if we waited, the baby would have kept growing. I don’t know if there wasn’t some crazy way that I could have made the head drop down, but I tried everything and I don’t want to think about what I could have done. I want to think about moving on.
Part 3 to follow with lots and lots of pictures and super smart final thoughts.