Moving forward.

So here we are.

This week has been the most emotionally trying week I can remember. I’ve moved all across the board from emotional acceptance, to complete disgust, to distrust of everyone around me, to small bits of peace. And here we are, the day before surgery.

I have to admit, sometimes ignorance really is bliss. This blog and this community is 99% blessing and 1% curse. I get so much good info from you guys on everything from your sourcing means of cereal marshmallows to labor and birth. And I knew very little about c-section options because I just didn’t think I’d have another one. But it turns out that if you are in fact faced with this path like I am, there is a way to have a better c-section. When I saw this video, for the first time, I had hope again. I highly recommend watching this video.

That is unless you’re me a week ago. I shouldn’t have watched it. Because now I know.

I decided to meet with the surgeon at the hospital who would be performing the procedure. When I asked for things like not having my arms strapped down, having the baby on my chest after she popped out and having the curtain lowered so I can see her being born, the surgeon (a woman) looked at me like I was crazy. The answers I was given were things like “the curtain only lowers so far”. Or ” the baby will be slippery and you could drop her”. I don’t think anyone has ever asked this surgeon for anything. In fact, I think her and almost all other surgeons are used to no one questioning them ever. I was told that things like this “just aren’t done”.

We talked to the midwife, we explored legalities, we talked about just not showing up for the c-section. We called a new midwifery practice in Lancaster that delivers 80% Amish. We begged and pleaded for anyone at all involved in the c section to just work with us to make it a little bit more positive and really got nothing. We explored other practices that would take someone at 41 weeks (no one). Then I went further.

I took castor oil…which I swore I’d never do again. I took evening primrose oil…which I swore I’d never do again. And you know what? Nothing worked. I mean, like not even didn’t work. Like I didn’t even fart from the castor oil. And so I took it as a sign. I really needed to begin to accept my path and start to move forward.

And up until only an hour ago were B and I crying, trying to figure out what to do. Do we just not show up? Then what? We don’t have medical care in the 41st-42nd week of pregnancy. Do I just wait until I go into labor and cross my fingers that the hospital we walk into won’t cut me open when they see my scar? What if I don’t go into labor at 42 weeks and I don’t have a doctor? Do I walk into a hospital and politely ask for a c-section by a strange doctor? And am I better off than I was before?

Every question led to another question. Every uncertainty wasn’t just an uncertainty. It was the life of our baby. And my life. But my life does involve this birth experience and it’s something I’ll remember forever. Although this piece was becoming smaller and smaller.

I felt like I was going to wake up tomorrow, someone was going to place me into a car, then place me onto a table, then tie me down and cut my baby out. I know it sounds dramatic, but all choice had been taken away from me. I had no say anymore in how my baby would come into this world and it’s devastating to accept. To know that I wouldn’t even be able to hold my baby after she was born and that I wouldn’t be able to witness her birth.

And as B and I sat together, crying tears of uncertainty, wondering how we got here…this comment came in from the blog. (as a side, I have read every single one of them and I’m proud to say that each and every one of them was positive, supportive and encouraging. But this one came at the right time and said the right things to move us forward.)

MODG, I am hoping and praying that, as today is the day before your “go day,” you are feeling super excited about meeting your baby girl, and even a sense of peace and contentment about the way she may arrive. I truly hope you feel encouraged and supported in your decisions. I too (like so many of your readers), share your desire of looking to natural remedies and ways of living, and I too shared your feelings of loss when I went through the experience of a c-section. Reading through all of the stories shared by your readers, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness for all of us. So many of us have had to feel the disappointment of our passions not lining up with the hand we’re dealt during the birthing process. For me, who had this whole plan of natural birth, I also felt shame for the decisions I made (epidural) and even pissed off for the smart decisions my midwife made on my/my child’s behalf (c-section). When I allow myself to be honest with myself (and you), it was a really difficult blow to my sense of identity after I “failed” in childbirth. Why? I hate that some of us who have been saved by medical interventions have to feel like we failed! It is true that our bodies are meant for natural birthing. But it is also true that many, many women and babies did not, and still do not, survive the natural birthing process. It is no surprise that during this time we are all living, may of us will continue to experience c-sections. And you have been such an inspiration to us by seeking out a VBAC, including me who is also hoping for one, because it is good for us all to explore all of our safe options. But even more than that, I want you to know what a POSITIVE example you have been to us over the past week. Thank you for doing the small things, like just mentioning your openness to an epidural. Some of us make it through without one. And some of us don’t—dude, that shit hurts!!! And some of us are so legalistic with our hippiness that we want an epidural so freaking bad but our pride gets in  our way. And, thank you for doing the big things. Like proving you understand when to trust your medical professional’s advice and do what is best for you and your unborn daughter. Because you do have choices you could explore. You could choose not to show up tomorrow and ignore your midwife’s preferences. You could chose to be so set in your desire for a VBAC that you decide not to go to a hospital and labor in the bathtub and fulfill your hopes of being like the chicken and egg in your picture (that was so funny). In a nutshell, you could chose to sacrifice you and your daughter’s best interests. And let’s be honest, this happens in the natural community sometimes. So thank you so much—you are truly doing good work right now and showing us all what it really means to be a good mom.-Beth


And after that, B and I knew what we had to do. We have to move forward. We had to trust our midwife and we had to do what she is saying is best for us. Whether or not I will ever fully agree to how we got here or if it could have been different, we are here now. And in this place, hours before her birth, I need to find that peace. For her and for us.

I am sure that I will struggle still with acceptance. But I will do the best I can.

You won’t hear from me again until our baby is here. But I will post from the hospital to let you know that we are ok and share some pictures. Follow me on facebook as well. It’s my go to way to do a quick outreach to you guys.

Our family thanks you for your support. Everyone should be so lucky to have thousands of anonymous strangers routing for them.

With love,

A, B & G (and future baby girl)

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POSTED IN: hippie stuff,Preg Stuff,Sharing

{ 128 comments }

Maggie November 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

beautiful. good luck tomorrow. it will be an amazing day :)

Erin November 18, 2012 at 5:07 pm

What lucky babies you have.

Katie R-G November 18, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Oh the tears, they are aflowing. I’m just 4 weeks from a trial of labor, hopeful for a vba2c, and keeping this post at my fingertips for thr just in case.
Congralations on that little girl! They are magical!!

Jesse November 18, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I’ve been obsessively checking for updates. I don’t want to say “good luck” or whatever, but I’ll be thinking about you. I feel closer to you and your family than a stranger should. I care about you and I’m rooting for you. And I can’t wait to find out her name! Take care.

KT November 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Lots of prayers with you tonight and tomorrow. You’re a brave and courageous woman and I’m proud to call you my internet friend! Can’t wait for the news tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Yoshe!

Stacy November 18, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Good luck tomorrow. Hug tight on Gavin today…..I felt like my 2 year old daughter grew 2 years on me while I was in the hospital. I will be praying for all of you. I’m sorry you have been so frustrated these past weeks.

Nicole November 18, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Beautifully stated, MODG. May you and your family have lots of peace and unicorns and glitter shower down on you tomorrow. May you process your birth experience (and grieve it as you feel necessary), while also basking in the glow of the tiny precious girl that you will birth tomorrow. Because I feel that while the birth experience matters, it can actually take a backseat to the journey and growth that you experience along the way. And your journey has inspired thousands of women to seek out their birth options, educate themselves about birth, befriend hippies, and keep a sense of humor. YOU are awe-inspiring, Amanda. <3

Courtney C November 18, 2012 at 5:21 pm

That was so well said, especially in light of what must have been an incredibly emotional, scary, and draining week. Thinking of you and wishing you the best for tomorrow. Can’t wait to see pics of your beautiful baby girl!

erynne November 18, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Beautifully written.

Renee November 18, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Prayers of peacefulness for you and your family and for compassionate people to surround you during the surgery.

Megan November 18, 2012 at 5:24 pm

You are having a baby tomorrow!!!! That is so exciting! Can’t wait to find out her awesome name, and see her adorable face!

Morgan November 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Bravo. Youve handled this with such dignity and grace, and been a beautiful example for us all… especially your little girl. Good luck tomorrow, and enjoy tonight with your family. We’ll all be stalking your Facebook page for her first pictures and fabulous name.

Pickle November 18, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Good luck, MODG! This was so beautifully written, thank you for sharing with us.

Kate November 18, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I can’t stop crying. Just can’t stop. Continued prayers and well wishes for your soon to be family of 4.

Melissa November 18, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Praying for the MODG fam. I am certain that your decision (although incredibly hard & not what you hoped for) is the right one for both of you. Will continue to pray for the four of you. You will soon be blessed once more!

Rebecca November 18, 2012 at 5:40 pm

MODG, I have been thinking about you today, as I am sure many others are. Beth’s comment is wise and wonderful, and I’m so glad that it has helped you and B process things. As she said, you have been an inspiration and an educator for so many women (and probably men, too). It is a cruel, effed-up twist of fate that you, who have spent so much time learning and writing about awesome hippy births, are facing another birth experience that is not what you envisioned and worked towards. While it may or may not make you feel any better to think about it, you HAVE been a part of natural, hippy-style childbirth, because you have shared that dream with others. I hadn’t even really learned about or considered using a doula until I read about it on YOUR blog two years ago, and I knew I wanted one. I had a unmedicated childbirth in which I only showed up at the hospital to push, and I could NOT have done it without our doula. So much of what I hoped and planned for was inspired by what YOU hoped and planned for, and I’d bet a lot of money that there are many other readers out there who could say the same. While it breaks my heart that you may not get to give birth it the natural, old-fashioned way, please know that you have empowered others to do so, and that is a tremendous, amazing thing. Hope all goes well tomorrow, can’t wait to read all about the next chapter of your journey!

ES November 18, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Everything I would write would be a cliche but what you are doing is RIGHT and SAFE and you should feel PROUD for making this choice. Tomorrow your baby girl will be in your arms, don’t let anything cloud that. Good luck MODG. I can’t wait to see her!

Sara November 18, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I am sorry you weren’t able to find a doctor to support a mama-baby friendly c-section. However, maybe the video you posted will encourage another mama-to-be to ask questions earlier and get closer to the birth plan she envisioned. I hope that since this c-section won’t be an emergency situation for you, you will be able to be more emotionally/mentally present during the birth and have an easier time with the recovery.

Kelly November 18, 2012 at 5:45 pm

All the best to you and your family. Hoping for the best for your daughters birth.

viridian61 November 18, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Oh, I ditto what they said above. Such great comments. Good thoughts heading your way from another internet stranger (who is not stalking you, promise.) It’s the beginningof an amazing journey.

Morgan November 18, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Been thinking about you all weekend. Sending you lots of positive energy and a happy birthday to tour baby girl!

Katie November 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Good luck MODG!!! Sending happy thoughts your way! Can’t wait to find out Yoshe’s name!

Lindsay November 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

MODG, I wish you peace and contentment tomorrow. Your honesty and openness is inspiring and I look forward to every post you make…even when they make me cry, which most of them have this past week. I hope that you have the best possible outcome tomorrow and wish you much happiness with your new, beautiful baby girl!

julie s. November 18, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Good luck, it will be an amazing day regardless of how she arrives!

meg November 18, 2012 at 6:05 pm

You’ve been on my mind every single day for weeks now awaiting the birth of your girl. I’m so sorry that you will not get the birth experience that you were hoping for but I’m so glad that as you go into your daughter’s birthday tomorrow you are finding peace with it. I wish for you a happy healthy baby girl that enters the world surrounded by sparkles and rainbows (I believe in your natural sparkle rainbow hippy awesomeness and fully believe that c-section or not your girl will feel your love from the first second she is here, as she has for the 9 months that you’ve given her such a good home to grow and develop in). And I wish for you that when she is in your arms for the first time that you will KNOW that she is the daughter you’ve been waiting for, that she is your girl, she is G’s little sister, she is B’s daddy’s girl and mama’s princess, the one that completes your family. All the love to you tomorrow and tonight, can’t wait to see your beautiful girl!

Jenna November 18, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Seeing that you are a fellow hippie I wanted to ask of ou’ve ever heard of placenta encapsulation? It is an amazing service in which gives your body a number of benefits postpartum. Placenta encapsulation is the process where the placenta is dehydrated and then put into capsules (much like tylenol), which you then take after the birth of your baby. I rexebtly had my daughter via emergency c-section and I truely believe it was these capsules that saved me from a downward spiral. By putting tge nutrients of your placebta back in tour body it helps with: contracting the uterus, regulation of hormones, milk supply, and most importantly postpartum depression. You can find more info at placentabenefits.org.

I know that this may be too late for you, but it’s good information to have for the next tine around.

Renee November 18, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Yep, MODG not only KNOWS all about this…she DID it after G was born. Check out her post from Dec 2010 about it. But beware: There are pics of stuff that’s umm, well…you’ll see. Ha.

Katie E. November 18, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I bet she is going to be beautiful. I am going to call her at 7 lbs. 11 oz, with lots of hair.

Kristi L November 18, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Beautufully written. Im so sorry its not what you and your famuly planned but you will have a new baby tommorow- whats better then that!! Good luck!!

Katie C November 18, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Best of luck to you tomorrow. I can’t wait to hear what you’ve named you precious baby girl and to see pictures. ::hugs from an Internet stranger::

Leslie November 18, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Peace and love to you. Just keep thinking of your baby girl, who will be here so soon.

Jen @ Ginger Guide November 18, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I had to have a c section due to a stubborn boy and was really glad I did. It was safer for us all. Not ideal, by any means but in the end, my job as a mother was to make sure we were both safe and healthy and the c section was the only way that was going to happen. Hang in there and just know that no matter how your baby girl enters this world, she will have a mother who loves her so much and only wants to do what is best for her. Thinking of you all!! Hugs!

Sarah November 18, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Such beautiful reflections Modg.

I am due shortly and will also shed 2509 stubborn hippie tears if I ended up getting sectioned, but I am always reminding myself of exactly what that commenter said… bodies ARE intelligent and DO know what to do… except, you know, when they get mixed up and need a little help. Bless their little confused hearts. It happens. As a possessor of a fun-filled autoimmune problem I learned to stop feeling guilty over that! Your body conceived and grew a perfect little Yoshe (like a boss) but just needs a little shove over the finish line!

You are awesome….. godspeed tomorrow and happy birthday to your sweet girl!!!! Internet stranger hugs!!!!

Sue November 18, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Girrrl. Crying. Can’t wait to hear the news and see pics. She will be perfect and amazing, you’ll never be the same…tomorrow G will officially be a big brother, and it will make your heart almost explode from seeing the two of them together. Pre-congratulations :) Prayers & good vibes for a quick & easy day tomorrow with the HUGE bonus of holding your little girl and smothering her in kisses!

Mary November 18, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Stay strong and move forward, MODG! Everything will be OK. Pretty soon, you’ll be head over heels in love with your littel girl, and we’ll all be happy to hear that you both are healthy and happy. Fingers crossed for you. And maybe, just maybe, some day, when our daughters are having babies, things will be different in this country, and they will be able to have the birth that they want. That is what I hope.

Philippa November 18, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Whatever happens you will have an amazing and beautiful baby girl at the end of it and all of us strange internet friends (including me, a 23 year old British girl lying in bed and watching Harry Potter at 11pm!!) are wishing you the very best! Creepy internet love x

Erin November 18, 2012 at 6:23 pm

We had our childbirth class yesterday, and while I am also strongly hoping for a natural birth and will do anything possible to avoid a cesarean, one thing our instructor kept saying to us really struck me: “No matter what happens, no matter how you get there, as long as mom and baby are healthy, that’s all that matters.” It really helped me to realize that I may need to try to let go of my desires and expectations and accept what comes. Best of luck to you and your family – I will be thinking of you and anxiously awaiting updates!

S November 18, 2012 at 6:50 pm

UGH I am not a mom, not pregnant, and generally not emotional, but this left me in tears. You are AMAZING, and although it’s not your job, you are helping SO many people who are in your exact shoes. I am rooting for you and sending good thoughts to you, so much! You should be so proud of yourself, seriously. The fact that you have gone where probably no one (it seems, in this surgeons life) has gone before shows how much you are looking out for you and your daughter’s well being. Remember, this is her very first day in the world :) that makes me so happy. I can’t wait to meet her via pictures!
Good luck. I’ll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts. You can do this. Everything will be okay! Xo xo!

Jenn November 18, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Wow, so perfectly written! I hope that you find peace tomorrow when you’re looking face to face with your beautiful daughter. I’m sure her face will help erase all the disappointment of your c section :)

Sarah j. November 18, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Words cannot describe the sadness that I feel for you right now. Nor the happiness. I know what it’s like to have a c-section. That’s how my second son was born because he was “too big” (which he actually wasn’t). Today I am 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant with my third child. I daydream about my all natural vbac every single day, just hoping and praying that nothing goes wrong. I can’t even think about that possibility because it scares me to death. When my son was born, they didn’t even hold him up above the curtain for me to see him in all his goopy glory, nor would they let us take any pictures. The first time I saw him, he was all bundeled up with a hat on. I didn’t even know what color his hair was. That does things to a mother. I had the baby blues so bad, I couldn’t breastfeed past 2 weeks, which broke my heart even more. I could go on and on, but you know how it is. I’m just trying to relate here :) I would also like to say how truly happy I am for you that you are having your little girl! I have dreMed of having a daughter my whole life. I have 2 boys already, and this is my last chance..wish me luck! And good luck to you on a safe delivery, and easy recovery. I’ll be thinking of you (in a totally non-creepy way of course!). Enjoy your new baby, no matter how she gets here :)

Liz November 18, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I watched that same video and asked my OB the same questions and got basically the same response as you did. I think you should be one proud mama for all that you have done to set up a bright future for your family and Yoshe before she is even born! Your kiddos are very lucky indeed. I know that acceptance is hard but I also know how freeing and wonderful it can be to just let it all go and trust that it will all be ok in the end. And in the end you will have your beautiful Yoshe. Sending you hugs and prayers for peaceful, freeing acceptance of how Yoshe is brought into this world. Either way, there will be a lot of love in that hospital room when she is born and that is really all that matters. Congratulations to your family! Can’t wait to see pictures!

heather November 18, 2012 at 7:06 pm

I am so excited for you to meet your little girl! Praying everything goes smoothly!

Kendra November 18, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Thinking of you and your family. Can’t wait for you to meet your baby girl! She is one very lucky little lady. :)

Kiera November 18, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Good Luck. I’m hoping that tomorrow is beautiful for you, even if it’s not the way you imagined it being!

Jessica November 18, 2012 at 7:17 pm

I’m pretty sure you made all of us readers cry! Good luck tomorrow! We will all be thinking about you and baby yoshe!

Ali November 18, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Thank you for these honest and authentic posts about such a hard, hard thing. Nothing prepares you for the intensity of creating and growing and nurturing and birthing and raising another human. I have been through so maany levels of pain and pride to bring my two children and in the end, here is what I have to offer you tonight. Honor it all. Mourning the loss of your VBAC in no ways takes from experiencing the joy of welcoming your baby. There is space in you for all of it. Ignore the people who say things like “you should just be glad to have a healthy baby” because those people aren’t listening – to you and maybe not even to themselves. Embrace the people who love you through it all and tomorrow, when you hold that baby girl, thank her for entering the world and celebrate your strength in brning her here. You *have* pushed. You’ve asked and pressed and learned and tried and soon all the fear and anticipation will give way to the road ahead. Enjoy the ride and honor the bumps. I’ll be thinking of you tomorow.

Kiki November 18, 2012 at 7:29 pm

You go girl!

Mrs. Dubose November 18, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Your daughter will share my son’s birthday. He was born on November 19, 1992 and he has brought me nothing but joy (almost) every second of his life. Honestly– it is a good day for a baby to be born. I wish you peace in your heart, an abundance of grace and courage, and happy smiles for your soon to be family of four. You are going to have a BABY GIRL tomorrow! That’s thrilling. Many blessings to you and yours.

Anna November 18, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Good luck! You will be amazing and it will be beautiful!

Mindy November 18, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I’m so sorry that you are having to accept this path, when it’s very clear it isn’t what you wanted. I have no human children so I really have no words of wisdom or stories to share or “I can relate”s, I just wanted to pop in and say that I’m so sorry, and also good luck. Good luck with the C-section tomorrow. At the end of this all, you will have your healthy baby girl, with 10 fingers and 10 toes. And a year from now, 5 years from now, it will be a distant memory (perhaps a shitty one, but still a moment that will be in the past). Can’t wait to hear the update! :-)

Meg November 18, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Bookmarking this under “how to be a great parent.” She is already the luckiest little girl ever to have a mama like you to look up to–hoping everything goes smoothly and that you have a much more positive experience this time. You already are kicking so much ass in my opinion. Can’t wait for baby pics and to hear her hippie-endorsed name!

Annalisa November 18, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Good luck tomorrow! I’m glad you wrote this as I always assumed women who had “planned” c-sections were probably OK with their decision and it was no big deal. I only say that since my Mom had her 2 babies planned and a handful of girlfriends but I never really asked them how they felt. It just was what it was. I think this post just gave me a large dose of empathy which is always a good thing to develop. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow — and hopefully you all get some sleep!

Kristi November 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I just love you! You’re amazing and your daughter is so lucky to have you as her Mother.

JULI C November 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Good luck tomorrow!
I’ve had 2 c-sections myself.
Emergency c-section with the first. Not sure what the outcome would’ve been if we waited any longer.
( I had a placenta abruption)
The second one i really didn’t have a choice as it was less than a year later that i was due with our second. And the doctors advised that since the scar may not have fully healed, having a VBAC was not in my best interest as there may be tearing. And because i am a “bleeder”. It wasn’t a good idea all around. After my second was born i found out i had another placenta abruption, so the timing on the 2nd c-section was spot on.

Sometimes things happen the way they are supposed to.

Thinking of you,
juli

Andrea November 18, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Hi MODG,

I am a frequent reader and not-so-frequent commenter. I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. I ended up with a necessary emergency c-section with my first, and desperately, DESPERATELY wanted to VBAC with my second. I did go into labor, but I ended up with another necessary emergency c-section. After my first, I was totally heart broken. But you know what? After my second, I really really had peace about what had happened, because I knew in my heart it had to, and I have two healthy little boys because I did what I had to do. Sometimes my heart still breaks when I think about the fact that I will never get to go through the natural labor process… but it’s fleeting now, MODG, not pressing and all-encompassing and defining like it was after the first one.

I am praying that you will have both peace and joy tomorrow. I am praying that you will find your planned c-section much better than the emergency one (the emergency aspect pretty much sucks… looking forward to planning the next one, especially since I had them just install a zipper to let the babies out after this last go-round). And I am praying that some of the other great hippie things – like breastfeeding – will go much better this time around like they did for me.

Internet-Love,
Andrea

cole November 18, 2012 at 8:06 pm

i will be thinking of you all day. Just relax, and think—there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your little girl will be in your arms in LESS than 24 hours. I can’t wait to see her…and see you–as a mom of 2! Sending positive vibes your way-good luck A,B, and G!

maura November 18, 2012 at 8:10 pm

dear modg,
sending lots of good juju and energy your way. was just thinking….maybe the universe is making this all happen so you can help make the c-section world a better place for patients and the nurses, midwives and doctors who are involved in their care…. you are (and will be ) an amazing advocate for women who are in the same situation. family friendly hospital based care is SO incredibly important and often overlooked by the medical community. and i should know, i’m an OB nurse! we need more patients just like you. you are a blessing. the hospital where i work has a holistic birth center and we are just starting to keep families together in the operating room (dads/ support person doing kangaroo care), and also keeping mom’s hands free during surgery. …voices are slowly being heard, so keep on keeping on! lots of love to you all.

clarissa November 18, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I am another reader who is nowhere near being a mother yet, and also one of those who probably doesn’t “get it” when it comes to this issue. But I did want to say that I am sorry that it’s not working out the way you want it to. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can, and I think you and B are making the right decision. And though you may feel like your body is failing you, think of all that it has already done – it’s grown two beautiful, healthy babies! Good luck tomorrow, and can’t wait to see pictures of YoShe!

Nicole November 18, 2012 at 8:30 pm

My cousin had a similar experience after her first c section. But I did not understand it at the time. I had yet to have children. I thought she had a healthy baby, so she should be happy, right? Now after becoming a mom I can relate to how she felt and you are feeling. Thank you for articulating your thoughts and experiences so well. I’m really hoping some of the positive things from that video will happen for you tomorrow. Just tell B to lift the drape…

Kelly November 18, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Go get ‘em girl!!! Be brave and strong and enjoy your new daughter’s arrival -even if it isn’t as planned. It is as it should be and I know you and B and G will looove being a family of four! Can’t wait to see her and hear her name!

Lori November 18, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I had my first daughter natural. My 2nd was breech with low amniotic fluid and HAD to be born at 36 weeks or she would’ve been in danger.
I grieved that experience. I understand what you are going through. Lucky for me, my hospital believes in skin-to-skin following c-sections. So while it was a little longer before I got that experience with her (they were tying my tubes, so while they were doing that I obviously couldn’t be holding a baby), but I actually spent a good hour in “post op” just having her on my chest under the covers while I got to know her and nurse her for the first time! they actually wheeled me up to my “real” room, with her on my chest. It was so great.
It was so different than with my first, and I h
ave to say, I actually think it was better for bonding. To do this day, that child who is now 15 months old is SUCH a mama’s girl. I would never tell my oldest daughter this, but I am WAY more connected to my 2nd (the c-section) baby.

So I totally understand the mourning and grief you are going through – but at the end of the day, this is what you and the professionals have decided is best for you and Yo-she, and you know what – you might be surprised!

Good luck mama! This is your path and it’s time to walk it. You might as well strut!

april November 18, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Though your birth experience tomorrow might not be what you wished for and planned, tomorrow will be an amazing day. I seriously can’t believe you are going to meet your daughter! I wish for peace and calmness as you go through the events that will bring her into this world, and I pray that you can look back on the experience one day and see how amazing it was regardless of how she made her arrival. I’ll be thinking of you and praying that she arrives safely into your arms. God bless.

Mary November 18, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I wish you peace in your heart. You will have a beautiful baby girl in the end of all this. And although you should let no one diminish your feelings of disappointment and sadness you also must not let one day define the rest of your life as a parent. You know very well that this is just one step in a life long journey. And all of it-joy, pain, sadness, love, is beautiful.

Jamie November 18, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Modg, long time reader, first time commenter. Have been obsessively checking for updates and I’m wishing you the best of luck tomorrow. After being diagnosed with preclampsia, I had my twins via emergency c-section 3 years ago. They were both breech too so I had no choice but once I saw my babies and they were both healthy, it didn’t matter how they got here! I know this isn’t that path you wanted to take, and I am so sorry. I know you will be okay though:). Sending lots of hugs xoxo

Jenn In Tenn November 18, 2012 at 9:09 pm

You have been on my mind ever since your last post. Sending you healing thoughts and not too creepy stranger hugs! Said a little prayer for you this morning at church. Enjoy your new sweet baby girl….she’s gonna be a true blessing this week of thanks! Good luck..to you, B and your sweet little man/big brother ;).

Mel November 18, 2012 at 9:17 pm

You are an inspiration for so many moms out there. Sending love to you, B, G, and YoShe as this journey ends!

Joanna November 18, 2012 at 9:20 pm

You are a wonderful mama–thanks for sharing all of this with us, and I’ll be sending good thoughts your way. Happy soon-to-be birthday to the new little girl ! Hugs to all of you!

Amanda November 18, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your family. You’re an amazing warrior mom! Doing the toughest thing ever for sweet daughter. xoxo

Audrey K November 18, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Your little ones are so lucky to have such a strong and beautiful momma!

K November 18, 2012 at 9:40 pm

We are absolutely, positively behind you.
I’m so sorry for your struggle.
Love.

Erin November 18, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Hi,
I’ve been thinking about what you’re going through a lot during the last week. In many ways, your story is like my story; I ended up with a C-section with our daughter, and last March was hoping for a VBAC with our son. Desperately hoping. I did tons of acupuncture (even the electric current shit), hired a doula, got rather obsessed about it. Baby boy was late, just like baby girl, 42 weeks by the time I had him. And actually, I think I would have had him naturally, but my midwife felt he was in distress, and so, dilated fully after a crazy labor, I was wheeled into the OR. But at that moment, I was elated. I had had two friends lose their babies either in labor or at full term in the last 2 years, and the bottom line for me had changed, or maybe just become more apparent. I was euphoric when he was handed to me (my practice allowed me to have hands free, and have him almost immediately), that he was healthy and whole and alive and out.
Of course, the recovery was supremely hard (my bladder tore during the surgery because of previous scar tissue, on top of the normal crappiness of surgery). And I’m still processing what feels like my body failing at something I envisioned as so natural and normal. I really really get what you’re feeling (though I know our stories are somewhat different.)
I also had my placenta encapsulated, and took it as a supplement postpartum, which is supposed to help with PPD, among other things. While I don’t know if it helped, I think that things did feel smoother than I expected. I also had a beautiful, sweet, mellow baby boy to help me through it, thank god. I’m not sure if the placenta thing is something you know about or would consider or anything, but I thought I’d share.

I’m thinking of you and wishing you the most positive birth experience possible; I know it is hard, and I know my son’s birth is something I will not ever feel perfectly about. I think sharing your experience is so brave, and important in your path to healing, whatever ends up happening. And I’m excited for you to meet that baby girl.

Much luck and love to you,
Erin

Stacey November 18, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I am coming into this a bit behind and maybe not understanding everything fully, why don’t you have insurance coverage after 42 weeks? I had 2 c/s (one after multiple interventions and 3 hours of pushing and one planned). Then I had 2 homebirths. Both of my homebirths were 10 days “overdue”. Babies don’t have a calendar. My heart is breaking for you! I feel sick to my stomach that any woman would be forced to go under the knife because of a stupid date. Anyway, I will be praying that you go tonight and get the birth you really want. Hugs!

Rachel November 18, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I’m sorry this decision has caused you such pain! I didn’t end up with the exact delivery I wanted either. I had my baby on 11/1 by induction and I ended up getting an epidural after going through 8 hours of back labor. I don’t think it hit me nearly as hard as it has hit you, but changing gears and accepting the situation you’re in is the best decision you can make for your emotional wellbeing (and obviously that can have an impact on your physical wellbeing!).

I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you have a very healthy baby girl and smooth c-section. Congrats!

Elizabeth November 18, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I’ve commented before saying how sorry I am about your situation. And I definitely still am … but let’s move on to the happy stuff …

Your baby girl arrives here tomorrow! She will be awesome, stylish, smart, and beautiful – just like her momma. I, along with all your readers, cannot wait to [virtually] meet the little lady. And we can’t wait to hear her fabulous name. Hugs to you, B & G!

KB November 18, 2012 at 10:01 pm

You will be so perfect when YoShe has babies. Praying for the best possible experience for you tomorrow.

Steph November 18, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Beautiful!!! Thank you!!!!!

You really are a special soul. I’m not pregnant but I am going through a situation where my dr is saying I need to do something to better myself – too take care of myself. I don’t want to listen to her, I want what I feel is right. But, guess what??? I’m just going to keep getting weaker if I don’t accept what’s been placed in front of me.

So, thank you Amanda and Beth! You have helped me see my situation better. Thank you!!!!

From my heart to yours,
Steph

Elizabeth November 18, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Wow what perfect timing for that wonderful comment to come in. Sounds like it was exactly what you needed to hear! I so agree with all that she said, and it’s refreshing to hear that others also feel burdened by the wonderful world of hippiness at times. I agree that living a more natural, responsible, less intervention lifestyle is great and what we’ve chosen for our family, but extremes are dangerous and living a life of balance is always more healthy. There is often so much guilt involved in not choosing the ultimate hippie route, and that is painful as a mother. The bottom line is that we aren’t always in control; we do the best we can and have to leave it at that. Our children learn more from our mistakes than our perfection. We have to give ourselves some grace! Praying for peace as you move forward!

Jesse Morgan November 18, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I stalk you (not a good opening statement huh) but anyways Ive been following you for years. We have so many life similarities. Good vibes to you tomorrow. I just went through my second c-section and the second time was so much easier on my emotions and body. I live in Tennessee and they allow for your arms to be free after the baby comes so I got to hold my little guy. Maybe they will do this for you as long as everything checks out okay. Focus on that sweet angel you are about to bring into the world and try to forget about how she has to get here. At least this time you know what to expect, no surprises. The other positive is she will come out perfect no cone head and ready for a big bow. Good luck!

Erica November 18, 2012 at 11:27 pm

You are truly an amazing person and your children are very lucky… Good luck tomorrow and thank you sooo much for sharing your journey, struggle and tears with us… It means more than you could imagine! Congrats to you, B and G on the new baby girl!!!

Kjb November 18, 2012 at 11:41 pm

You got this mama! No matter what! I’m pulling for you to have the best experience you can have. Pre-congratulations:)

TheReset November 18, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I commented on your last post, I’m just ten weeks behind being exactly in your shoes. So all I’m going to say is this:

Remember the day you found out yoshe was a She? Pink sparkles and happiness… that I’m sure feels like forever ago? You get to meet her TOMORROW. And she gets to meet you. There you have it. <3

JT November 18, 2012 at 11:57 pm

I have recently started a master’s program in public health. And I, a person who has never given much thought to women’s issues before (I guess because I wanted so badly for equality, that I didn’t really think about the legitimate issues that women face), and who doesn’t have kids and probably won’t ever, is seriously considering a concentration and a career in maternal health. I think that seeing so many of my friends struggle with pregnancies and births has changed me. Yes, all the medical advancements are amazing and life-saving and needed, but only one of my friends (granted a small scope) has had a natural birth. The others have been induced or c-sections. That is so sad to me.

I’m sorry you aren’t having the birth you wanted. And I’m so sorry that even with the c-section that you can’t get the surgeons to work with you. I’m sorry so many of my friends didn’t get the birth they wanted. I do want to say all of you have given me more drive and inspiration to work to ensuring everybody gets the birth that they want. I’m going to remember these posts from you and if I struggle in grad school or with work, I will re-read them and remember why I am doing this.

erinisabel November 19, 2012 at 12:18 am

You really are an inspiration to all of us and I’m sososososo glad you’re able to make peace (as much as you can right now) with your situation. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending out healing-hippie-lovey-magic-sparkle vibes, but I have to stop sobbing first.

Ashley November 19, 2012 at 12:21 am

Good luck, MODG! I can’t wait to see your newest addition, I’m sure you’ll do great tomorrow.

brittany November 19, 2012 at 12:44 am

i have tears in my eyes because i completely understand every bit of what you’re saying… but i am sending prayers and know you’ll do great!! and that precious baby girl will be so happy to meet her mommy no matter which way she pops out :) you are a star and can do this!!

Audrey November 19, 2012 at 12:50 am

I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you went into labor every night this week. The othernight ui I just layed in bed awake, unable to fall asleep because I was imagining you going into labor and then posting about how it all happened. I’m still hoping really. Who knows, there are hours left. But, tomorrow, you will have Yoshe in your arms. Sending so much love your way, and really good, healing thoughts for post birth.

tara November 19, 2012 at 12:53 am

I was holding my breath for half that post and just almost passed out.

I saw a vodka skull and took it as a sign for you. I tried to send you the picture, but didn’t know your email and my phone sucks and couldn’t post it to Facebook (I know, really tragic right?) What I’m trying to say is that we are ALL fucking rooting for you and are so happy for you and all look up to your braveness, courage and awesome charm and wit. I had a dream last night that all your readers came and gave you hugs one by one and I woke up crying (really cheesy, I know).

Can’t wait to meet Yoshe, good luck MODG family! So excited for you all.

nevena November 19, 2012 at 3:04 am

Today’s your baby girl’s birthday! AHH!

I stole this sentiment from a friend’s page who is also a week overdue: every November you’ll tell this story, recounting how eager and excited you were to meet your little one. She’ll love hearing how much she was anticipated, and the story will serve to reaffirm how much she is loved and cherished by y’all. She’ll also hear about how courageous, tough, and self-less her mom is. As she gets older, you’ll look back and be shocked at how teeny she was the day she was born, and I hope that in seeing what a wonderful little girl she grows into that you’ll be able to fully feel what a miracle your body performed in creating her.

Sending you the best of luck and, like everybody else, I can’t wait to see pictures of your sweet girl!

Nikki November 19, 2012 at 4:06 am

Best of luck to you today, and I (like everyone else) cannot wait to see your new baby girl.

I know things aren’t happening how you wanted them to. However, you get to meet your little girl after a long journey through pregnancy. And one day she’ll know just how much you hoped for the best for her and her birth, and how hard you tried. And she’ll appreciate it, and see just how much her mommy loves her. Maybe the thought is what counts, like with presents? That’s just a novel thought.

Hoping for a safe birth and recovery for you and your little girl! :)

Lauren {Adventures in Flip Flops} November 19, 2012 at 6:28 am

Modg, I want you to know I’m thinking of you. I’m not married, nor am I having kids anytime soon, but I totally feel you on the hippie/natural/etc. thing and it seems like such a rollercoaster ride. I know you’re disappointed and nervous, and scared, and I’m sending good vibes your way! I’m hoping you have a good experience such as it is. I’m hoping your fears are unfounded. I’m hoping you will cut yourself a little slack and know that you’re making the best decision you can in an imperfect situation and are making the best choice you can for your munchkin. I’m hoping your little one knows how much you already love her and that you only want what’s best for her. And, I want you to know that no matter what happens you. are. amazing. SO AMAZING.

Molly November 19, 2012 at 6:37 am

I’m awake at 4am after feeding my baby and I remembered today is your big day. Today is Yoshe’s birthday and I am so excited for your family! I know these weeks have been so hard on you, but I think you’ve been an amazing example of how to deal with the uncertainty & disappointment that comes with labor. I remember feeling like a failure when I was induced – like my body was broken & I didn’t deserve to have my child if I couldn’t do it on my own. I’m so sorry this is your experience too, but grateful that you’re sharing it & making people aware of the heartbreak women can feel (& it’s totally normal to have those feelings!)
In yoga we would “ohm” mommies before their due date. We send them joy and wishes of peace. I’m ohm-ing you this morning. May there be peace in your mind, peace in your heart, and I know your little baby will be at peace because today she meets her amazing mother!

Lauren November 19, 2012 at 6:45 am

I’ve been thinking about you and your family all weekend. I wish you all the best today as you begin to get to know the new little stranger in your life!

Aliya November 19, 2012 at 8:01 am

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was grab my phone to check your Facebook page to see if anything happened… I was sorry to see it hadn’t but I’m still rooting for you and so excited for you. I have a little boy (18 months), and a little girl (6 months)… And like you, I was shocked (ok, upset) to learn our first would be a boy and then over the MOON excited when I found we were having a girl… And no joke, RIGHT when I finished reading this blog post, my little girl woke up and I went to the get her out of her crib… and she saw me and began cooing and smiling and laughing… And I scooped her up, my repeat C-Section baby, and she giggled and hugged me and grabbed my hair. And I instantly thought of you and got excited for you and can’t wait for you to experience these precious moments all per again with your daughter. I know it’s hard and upsetting that you didn’t get the Birth Story you wanted… But in the end, you’ll have the life you wanted. Congratulations, and welcome to Mom of Two Club.

KamiKaze November 19, 2012 at 8:46 am

Amanda,

I’m sorry that you have had to accept this fate, but know that in the end there will be a healthy baby girl! I will continue to pray for you and your family. I hope the surgery goes well and you recovery goes easily for you. I pray that there won’t be any post partum and that you have the mommy glow about you.

Hug G for us! Can’t wait to find out the new baby’s name.

Kami

Ruby November 19, 2012 at 8:55 am

Today will be great! You will be great!

When all is said and done, since your gentle education technique didn’t work, I think you should name and shame that surgeon – just awful.

K November 19, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I agree to warning others off that surgeon. I have read enough “I had a more humane c-section experience” stories to know that it is totally, totally possible.

Shannon November 19, 2012 at 9:13 am

You get to meet your little girl today! I’m sorry it won’t be the birth experience you wanted but at the end of the day you will be holding your precious little daughter in your arms and I’m hoping the joy of that moment will help lessen the pain you feel over the loss of not being able to have a VBAC. It’s still going to be a wonderful day!

Megan November 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

Fucking asshole surgeon. Good luck, mama!!!

Jasmine November 19, 2012 at 9:51 am

Loved this post and thinking of you guys today!!!

Erin T November 19, 2012 at 10:08 am

So hoping that today goes as well as can be expected for you…

Ashley November 19, 2012 at 10:22 am

wait, WHAT? you dont have medical care after 41 weeks? I had my daughter at 42 weeks…and I never once even considered that insurance would just stop? If you dont mind me asking, who is your provider? That is not legal in my state. wow.

Brandy S November 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I’m curious about this too.

Ashley November 19, 2012 at 10:27 am

ANd, have a wonderful birth today. I didnt realize you wrote this yesterday when I posted the first comment :)

Lissa Grunert November 19, 2012 at 10:44 am

Was praying, am praying, good birth wishes to you. May you (all) be blessed.

Stef November 19, 2012 at 11:37 am

Such a beautiful post! I think Beth healed a lot of wounds when she said those words. I’ve been thinking about you, B & G all weekend and this morning especially. So many of us are waiting anxiously for your news. To meet her, to know her story and to be here with support when you need it once you get home. You have helped so many more of us then you know by writing these last posts. I hope so many things for you & B today – and will patiently (though I’m not so great at it) wait to hear this next chapter of your lives.

Sara November 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

MODG – Sending you lots of light, love and happiness as you welcome your sweet baby girl today. I know she’s not entering this world in the way you planned or wanted, but for some reason this is HER plan. And the beginning of a wonderful life that will fulfill you both…more than her birth story ever will.

ERIKA November 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

You are wonderful and courageous! I am thnkful for you and your blog. It has helped me through my first pregnancy and now my second (which is twins). I needed to read that because I will most likely be having another unwanted c-section too. But I guess sometimes it is for the best. Just hang in there a little longer, you are almost there!

Nicole November 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Thinking of you today! Lots of love, hugs, and glitter sprinkles raining down on you and your family. Can’t wait to see YoSHE!!

Gracie November 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Last night as I was going to bed I realized “MODG is having her baby tomorrow!!” (So creepy, I know) and it felt like Christmas eve. I hope you can get some of that feeling, too – and I really think you will. I think this time will be different because you’re prepared for it. You are doing the right thing and you’re awesommmme.
Also, F that non-hippy surgeon. Hopefully you will have at least gotten the idea in her head and she’ll open her mind in time and other women in your situation will have happier births because of you.
Happy birthday Yoshe! You have the best, funniest, prettiest, hippiest, mom in the world and you’re so lucky! I hope MODG really names you Yoshe cause that would be hilar.

Oak November 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

106 comments in, maybe you will get this, maybe you won’t. Either way, the universe will get it and the vibe will make its way to you.

Five months ago, my “do-over birth” ended in a c-section, something which I tried to avoid with the whole of my being. I had a traumatic first birth, a 30 lb toddler and the need for this do-over to go MY way. At 41.5 weeks post dates, I succumbed to an induction. After 36 hours of induction, I admitted defeat as my cervix was still high and closed and my midwife calmly explained that we were no longer in control, the baby was and she was choosing not to drop, not to come out the old fashioned way.

And I cried. And then I put on my big girl pants – which incidentally meant getting completely naked – and having my abdomen sliced open and having all the things you and I both wanted to avoid.

And in the end, baby girl was wrapped up in her cord and natural delivery would have been devastating to us both. There were also other issues that arose and could have been hugely problematic had I been too stubborn to listen to my body.

And in the end of it all, after fighting relentlessly for a natural birth, I was eternally grateful for the fact I had a c-section. I wish you all the same peace of mind. Because in the end, she will be safely in your arms and its the next 20,30,40 years that matter, not the last 12 hours.

Laura November 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Thinking about you. Your honesty in sharing all of this with us has helped me try to make sense of my own 2 c-sections. Thank you. You’ve written things (as well as other’s who’ve commented) that only someone who has gone through the experience can explain. You’ve put some of my feelings into writing. I’ve walked in your shoes. Emergency section the first time around. Desperate for a VBAC the second time around only to end up with another section. I know the disappointment and the feeling of failure. I hope for you that your experience this morning was as good as it could have been and that somehow it was somewhat healing. Somehow, once I got over feeling defeated when I didn’t get to try for a VBAC, I actually found my second section somewhat cathartic. It was just a better experience all around and although not what I wanted I have a lot of happy memories from that day. ALL the best to you, your husband, and son as you welcome your daughter into the world and your family. Thanks for sharing the journey with us.

Janet November 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

*hugs* x 1 million

That is all.

Lindsay November 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Hey Modg, I just wanted to tell you that I hear you. From the moment I found out I was having twins at nine weeks pregnant, I knew my hippie home-birth was out the window. And it was a gradual process to really accept that. Even when I landed in hospital myself at 27 weeks, I still held out hope that I could have a vaginal birth. Yeah, no dice. My boys arrived by c-section far too soon, at 29.5 weeks. I never even got to hold them until they were almost a week old. They didn’t come home for two and a half months. This is all just to say that I understand how it feels to not experience the birth you hoped for. It took a long time afterwards for me to come to terms with all the things that they and I did not get to experience. And to accept that there was nothing I could do to change it. My boys will be two in January and I think I may have just been able to put most of that to rest. I felt cheated, traumatized, and overwhelming sad at what we all lost. I was jealous of other moms and their “normal” births. But now, it doesn’t matter. Our experience was still amazing, maybe even more so than all those “normal” moms. It’s part of who I am now, and it’s actually exceptional. I have a deeper understanding of adversity, and acceptance, and struggle. You are growing in this experience Modg, and that’s partly why it hurts so much. Like you say, this will become a part of you and the story of your life. And it will enrich your life. I’m with you, it would be a lot more fun to have it go the way you want. But a good life includes deeper truths and experiences. I believe this experience will change you, in many ways that are good.

I’m thinking about you and hoping for a healthy and safe arrival of your little girl.

Harbormom November 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm

It’s 3:37 p.m. CST on Monday, November 19, and this is the first opportunity I have had to read last night’s post. Will be checking FB as you said; can’t wait to meet her!

Lluvia November 19, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Long time reader here…hardly ever comment.
I will pray that everything goes out well for you. Your baby, will come the way she wanted to come, with a very dramatic entrance! She wouldn’t be Drama Baby’s sister, if it weren’t that way. :-)

Seriously, though. I pray that all is well, and can’t wait to meet her!!

heatheradair November 19, 2012 at 6:02 pm

When this is all over, and your girl is home with you, however this all plays out: she’s LUCKY to have a momma who cares SO MUCH, and someday, when you’re sharing this entire story with her, she’ll appreciate all that you’re suffering through to bring her into the world, as happy and healthy as modern (and hippie) medicine will allow.

AND, she’ll (hopefully….!) appreciate that you care enough about YOURSELF to stand up for what’s important to you, to ask important questions, to agonize over important decisions, and to cry important tears, because it means you love yourself AND your little Yoshi like mad.

And every kiddo deserves just that, no matter which canal they use to pop into the world.

Yep, it might be a tough road over the next few months. Or it might be a surprising relief.

Either way: your girl’s in good hands.

Lisa @bitesforbabies November 19, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I feel for you!!! I’m due in two weeks and my baby girl just does not want to turn around (she’s in a frank breech). The option of having a c-section is really starting to become a reality! I had a natural birth (no meds) the first time as well as a lovely pregnancy-everything went according to the “plan” in my head! Now, I feel helpless, frustrated, scared at the thought of having a c-section, and to top it all off, no one seems to understand why I DON’T want a c-section!!!! I wish you the best and a speedy recovery!

Postmodern Rachel November 19, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Been thinking of you so much. Another beautiful post. I am wishing you peace, even if it takes time. Now I know you are recovering and getting to know your daughter. Take good care and congrats, mama.

Ryan November 19, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I just want to say that I’ve found the journey on your on enlightening and thought-provoking.

As a gay man, when my hubby and I had our son, the method of delivery wasn’t even a concern for us, other than we wanted mommy and baby safe, healthy and comfortable (our Mom was all for whatever the doctor thought was best).

The idea that how a baby is born could be such an emotional experience for the mother never really hit home with me until I’ve read your feelings about it. I hate that you’re feeling this way but hope that, through the birth and after, you’re able to find some peace in how this had to be handled.

Leigh November 19, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I know now that YoShe has arrived and is healthy and doing well, from your FB page. I hope so much the same for you, and that the c-section today was as humane as possible given the disappointments and that horrendous surgeon. (I agree strenuously with others upthread about shaming her publicly – tons of doctor ratings websites available for that!)

That comment from Beth was profound – kudos to her.

Your writing is tremendous and it seems like you’ve really grown as a woman and mother through all this. I take seriously your pledge on FB to become a maternal/birth advocate. I would love to see you embrace maternal/feminist politics on this issue – you could have an amazing influence and what a fantastic progression/extension of your humane, profane, hilarious, honest blog.

All best wishes to you as a mother of two and I hope there’s no PPD and that everything goes smoothly.

A million congrats!!

colleen November 19, 2012 at 11:00 pm

oh modg – i hope you have that baby girl in your arms by now. i am so, so, so sorry this did not take place the way you wanted. when your life and our bodies let us down it can be devastating. it can feel like an ultimate betrayal. and i truly hope this c-section is better and feels more at peace, and that as the years go on you come to accept it even more. i’m thinking of you and keep all four of you in my thoughts as i head to bed tonight. i can’t wait to meet your little girl, a lucky baby to have two parents who love her so much right now. no matter how she comes into this world, she is coming into it the right way if she has you and B to greet her. best wishes. – colleen

Claire November 20, 2012 at 12:23 am

100x yes to that comment post! Go, MODG!! Bravo for being so honest with yourself and I hope you will find the peace and surrender (if not already) with all things that happened. My very best wishes to you and baby Yoshe, cannot wait to meet her!

K November 20, 2012 at 1:04 am

Congratulations. xo

TAM November 20, 2012 at 9:31 am

I want to thank you for blogging so openly and honestly about your feelings, especially around a topic that could open you up to criticism from both sides. I think you provide a strong role model for other women struggling with integrating the message of biologic determinism so inherent to natural birth discussions with the reality that some women need a bit of technological help from time to time.

After my son was born, I became septic from endometritis. It was a scary and difficult time because I had to face up to my own mortality. In another era my husband would be a widow, and my son might have died also if no wet nurse could be found. I had a difficult time processing those feelings…and I’m a health professional!

Re the mom-friendly c-section. I am an anesthesiologist and your post reminded me why it is so important to make a c-section as friendly and positive experience for the parents as possible. Dr. William Camann, the head of SOAP (Society for Obstetrical Anesthesia and Perinatology) has written several articles about mom-friendly c-sections and how to facilitate them. I fully support, and am proud of, this professional society in their efforts and advocacy on behalf of women. He advocates a clear top drape so mom can watch the birth of her baby, skin to skin in the OR, breastfeeding if mom wishes, delaying the physical exam/ weighing of babies with good apgars until Mom wishes, no separation of mom and infant in recovery etc. As anesthesiologists I think we need to take a central role in advocating for these changes within our institutions. After all, a large portion of our responsibility in the OR is supporting an awake patient undergoing surgery.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and best wishes for the future.

Keri November 20, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I feel you so hard.

Okay, what is that room and where can I get one? I love it! Details, details!

my website November 23, 2012 at 4:06 am

I hope so much the same for you, and that the c-section today was as humane as possible given the disappointments and that horrendous surgeon.

Cassie November 26, 2012 at 1:19 am

I want to track Beth down and I want to give her the biggest hug ever. I so so so so wish that we had more voices like hers out here in the “birthing community.”

Michelle December 9, 2012 at 3:43 am

Beautiful! Can’t wait to read about the birth, having just had a C-section myself three weeks ago.
Way to go and thank you for sharing so much of yourself so authentically. xo

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