The hand we’ve been dealt and the struggle to accept it.

This will be a very difficult post for me to write. Because when I put it down in words, it’s real.

You may have noticed that Wednesday afternoon, I closed the comments on the last post. It wasn’t because there were offensive comments or any problem at all. It was because your comments were so thoughtful and encouraging…telling me that I could do it and that you had a great vbac and I will too. Every one of them became an unintentional stab in the heart.

Wednesday afternoon we found out that unless I go into spontaneous labor all on my own, I would be having a c-section Monday morning.

It was devastating.

My cervix is still very high, closed and hard. And it turns out I’m less effaced than was let on (to give me a positive sense of hope and take some of my anxiety away). But for someone who is approaching 41 weeks, this means that probably something is going on. Either the head is too big or in a bad position to put enough pressure on the cervix to open it up,  a cord is holding the baby up or there is a ton of floaty fluids in there. In a non VBAC type birth, this is no big thing. Cervix doesn’t mean much. You just wait it out or get induced or whatever. However, with a VBAC your cervix has to be sort of ready to go before any sort of induction. And like many of you pointed out, induction with a VBAC is a touchy thing. And inducing a cervix like mine would be long. Like days long, making it dangerous.

And B and I got that news on Wednesday and B and I and the midwife cried together in her office.

We cried for the loss of something that I had hoped for since the day that G was born. And the thing we talked about and read about and learned all about for 9 months. We cried about the potential I had to deal with postpartum depression again after a disappointment like this. Because in all likely hood, a VBAC now just wasn’t in the cards for me.

And I’ve been mourning this loss now since yesterday and really struggling with coming to grips with never having a birth like my body was meant to. And never having that experience that was so important to me…to feel like my body isn’t broken and it can’t do what it’s meant to.

————–

Now here’s where I talk to you about this. I’m talking to you who doesn’t understand this sort of mourning or pain. I’m talking to myself circa 2005 who would have been like, “I don’t get it, what’s the big deal?” Here’s the thing…You don’t have to understand. You don’t have to feel what I feel. But I ask you to respect it.

I don’t understand people who enjoy running a marathon. I don’t understand 80% of religion. I don’t understand golf. But I respect it.  And try to respect that people have desires, goals and interests that are totally in conflict with mine. Including people who have many scheduled and elective c-sections. I know that there is a path that led us all to the choices that we make. I am not you. You are not me. But what I ask is that you understand that in my life, given my life experiences, and what I hold important to me, this was everything.

Many years ago I suffered from horrible back pain. I saw 230 doctors. No one could diagnose me. They wanted me to have surgery at 24 years old. After years of pain, I solved my problem without medication and learned about the mental side of pain. I have interstitial cystits. After years of pills, I solved my problem with baking soda. After not being able to diagnose G’s allergies for months, a naturopath told me through muscle testing that it was wheat, soy and dairy…it was. All of these things have put me on the path that I’m on.

I believe that our bodies and brains do so much more than we know. I believe that modern medicine can save lives and thank the universe that we have it. But I think we don’t know enough yet. And all I wanted was to have this baby the way nature intended it. I did not want it surgically cut out of me. I wanted to feel my body tell me when it’s time to push this baby out. I wanted the baby to get all of the  magic vagina juice that it gets on the way out. I wanted the cord to stop pulsing on it’s own before we cut it. I wanted B to catch that baby and all of us cry with how amazing that all was and the miracle that we experienced. I tell you all of this so again, you don’t have to completely relate to how I feel but simply so you can respect it.

In the last 24 hours I’ve cried a lot. And I’m trying so hard to remember that at the end of this I will have a healthy baby and that really is what matters. But for those of you who know about postpartum depression, sometimes it’s not all that matters. If you can’t look at your baby and love your baby the way you should, the devastation wins. I am terrified to go through this again. So afraid that I will go into an operating room, come out and be handed a baby. And I’ll wonder why I’m babysitting after surgery. Because that’s what it feels like.

There is no guarantee that this will happen, but going down this path again makes it almost impossible to not compare it to G’s birth experience. And yes, there is even a chance that before Monday I could go into labor on my own. And I’ve been dealing with walking the line of continuing to “try” with interventions and deal with the stress and disappointment of that world versus accepting the cards I’ve been dealt and trying to make peace with it. It’s not easy.

I haven’t given up though. I’ve had more acupuncture, chiropractic and positive thinking than any white girl this side of the Atlantic. But honestly, my hope is low. I’m sort of walking through the motions now to feel like I did what I could and not have regrets.

I’m sad. I’m struggling. I’m defeated.

But I wanted to share this with all of you in hopes that we try to understand each other more. Our differences make us interesting and that’s how we learn. This post wasn’t so Jane in Oklahoma cancels her scheduled C section because she is so enlightened now. It’s so Jane stops judging Judy who wants a natural birth and Judy stops judging Jane.

I thought about keeping the comments closed on this post, but I think it’s important to discuss in a respectful way.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. I know it’s to teach me something. I just don’t know what that is yet.

xoxo

MODG

 

 

 

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{ 371 comments }

Mali November 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I’m sorry your not having the birth you want. It sucks and I hope little Yoshi surprises everyone and is ready to roll out tomorrow. I understand about the judging and always harboring that guilt that things didn’t go the way you thought they were supposed to. I wasn’t able to breastfeed my son b/c he wouldn’t latch on and I didn’t have the support of family and friends to keep trying. Every time someone asks me if I breastfed I cringe inwardly and try to defend myself (for no reason!). Point is, regardless we are awesome Moms b/c we love our babies and to them all that matters is that they have us. I feel for you. Can’t wait to see those first pics…

Greta November 15, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Wow, Mali. You put into words my entire experience with breastfeeding. Why do we as mothers feel the need to defend ourselves and beat ourselves up when all we are doing is doing the best we know how for our children?

Laura C November 15, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Wish I could thumbs up both these posts, Greta and Mali. You both have said what I wanted to say. All mothers have sorrows and guilt, whether about birth, breastfeeding, or…whatever. Many of the guilts we bring on ourselves. Modg, you’re a wonderful momma, an inspiring writer, and you have a perfectly functional body that grew two healthy babies. I am sad with you and B as you grieve your ideal birth.

I think, like Dooce, you’re doing so much important work for PPD awareness as you blog about your experiences. Maybe, just maybe, you’re also doing important work for C-section acceptance?

Nikki November 17, 2012 at 6:37 am

Not a mom myself but I can absolutely relate on the feeling of beating yourself up, even though you’re just doing your very best. Something that helped me a lot was Brene Brown’s book called I Thought It Was Just Me. It explains SO much.

MODG, I’m so sorry to hear your sad news but will, like everyone else, be sending you lots of positive vibes and hoping that you, B, G and Yoshe are all healthy and happy when she arrives. Good luck.

Kate November 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

You brought me to tears, again. I know how much you want this and I totally understand. I hope that this happens the way you want it to, I pray that you only get the baby blues and not the fucked up crazies. I’m sorry. That’s all, I’m sorry this isn’t going the way you want it to and I understand that it’s the way it ‘should” go. But remember the c-section was invented to save lives that otherwise wouldn’t be spared because our bodies don’t always work

Anne C. November 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Sending lots of hugs and glitter your way.

Erin November 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I am sending you every ounce of good energy I have right now that you will go into labor on your own.

Erin November 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Also, I had postpartum depression with a wonderful natural birth.

Elise November 16, 2012 at 10:59 am

Me too! I can fully relate to the Babysitting complex and I had a vaginal birth.

Lindsay Ann November 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

I also had pretty heavy postpartum depression following an awesome, amazing 100% natural birth. I then did not have postpartum depression following a non-eventful, kind of boring labor honestly, vaginal birth with an epidural. Our bodies are so complex. A million factors and a million outcomes.

Amanda November 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Great post. Sorry you aren’t getting what you want:( But here’s to a happy/healthy YoShe and MODG!
xo

Sabrina November 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I am so sorry Amanda. Hugs and good vibes your way xoxo

Diane November 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I don’t have anything to offer except I’m so sorry.

Jules November 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I’m so sorry. Although I’ve never had a C-section, I can understand why the type of birth you wanted that may not happen is making you so upset. And I know that you know that in the end, all that matters is a healthy baby and a healthy mama. But it still hurts to know your ideal birth may not be in your cards, and for that my heart goes out to you. You have a right to be upset about it. I’ll be sending magic cervix dust through the air to you. Maybe with any luck your body will quit being a bitch and let you have the birth you want! All the luck in the world to you and can’t wait to hear about babette!

Kelly November 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I’m so sorry. I’ve been where you are, and it hurts so deeply. Look into “natural cesarean.” It’s a way to make a c/s more of a birth experience. The drape is lowered when the baby is born so that mom can witness it. Baby is pulled out slowly so that the chest/fluids can be compressed. Wait for cord to stop pulsing. Immediately put on mom for skin to skin. A c/s doesn’t have to be so clinical. Love and hugs.

Kallie November 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I wish I’d known this was an option with either of my c-sections.

Pickle November 15, 2012 at 8:34 pm

I’m sorry, MODG. I understand how you feel and I really hope you get the birth you want.

april November 15, 2012 at 8:34 pm

this post brought tears to my eyes and brings up feelings about my own birth experience with my son. While I can’t relate to the depression that came along with your section, I do completely understand the overwhelming feeling of loss and mourning. Almost 3 years later, I still mourn the loss of not being able to deliver my son naturally. I was induced, never felt one contraction, and ended up with a section whose scar still causes me pain to this day. But I am thankful for my healthy son, as you of course are with yours. But I know that pain. I also couldn’t nurse because my milk never came in. At all. So double punch in the gut for me. I really think that when we can’t deliver our babies naturally, we feel like we somehow failed as women and that our bodies couldn’t do the “job” they are supposed to do. At least that is how I felt. I recently miscarried and am pregnant again but may be heading for another miscarriage as well. Just know that no matter what, you carried and nourished your little girl and literally, gave her sustenance and life. You did not and never will fail. Yes, it is a sad loss that most won’t ever understand. I will be praying and hoping you get your VBAC, but I will be also praying for your peace of mind and comfort during this whole process, no matter how your delivery goes. Think about where you came from when you first brought your son home…that is such an accomplishment and you are an amazing mother.

M November 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I just attended a three day VBAC induction like you are describing. In the end, we had a sweet baby girl via repeat cesarean. There was no magical answer about why she would not come out. Sometimes it happens. I’m very sorry you are reaching this point. Perhaps given another handful of days something will shift. Perhaps not. I hope that you can work with your OB to plan a more gentle cesarean if you get there, with skin to skin and maybe other nice touches. They are possible, I’ve seen them. There are no words to make it better, but remember that giving birth is brave and often hard, no matter where or how you do it. The very best wishes to you.

Victoria November 16, 2012 at 9:49 am

This comment made me cry… giving birth IS brave, no matter how you do it.
You are brave. And you are going to teach your daughter how to be brave, even when life doesn’t go her way. That’s the beautiful part of all of this! Wishing you all the best for a peaceful birth.

Gia November 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

My heart breaks for the pain and sadness you are feeling. It has been obvious to all of your readers how much a VBAC means to you and how you want such a different and natural experience than G’s birth. I hate the Mommy Wars and I feel like too often, we judge without really just listening to what the other person has to say or how they feel. So I 100% agree with you on the judge-factor. I will pray for you, for a successful VBAC or, if this pregnancy ends up with a C-section, that it is easier on you, mentally and physically, than last time.

Stephanie November 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

MODG,
My thoughts/prayers/good vibes are with you and your family. I’m sorry for this heartache. I don’t have kids of my own, but I have struggled with depression for years, and I understand how much it sucks when life doesn’t turn our the way you plan. Regardless of how your birth turns out, I pray Yoshe is happy, and I pray that you’d heart will heal with time. :)

Peace, blessings, and (sparkly) love.

Angela November 15, 2012 at 8:36 pm

“And I’ll wonder why I’m babysitting after surgery. Because that’s what it feels like.”

Well said. My heart goes out to you.

Melissa G November 15, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I got such a pang in my stomach after reading “I’ll wonder why I’m babysitting after surgery”. I had an emergency c section also…8 months ago. And that is what I told friends afterwards. Like I’m at home feeding this baby and I don’t *want* to give him back or Anything, but exactly like you said, that I was just babysitting and hanging out with this kid. It’s pretty mentally tormenting and so I respect and relate to your feelings. I wish that there was something to say that is comforting and I hope it all works out. I’ll be in the same boat you’re in now when I get pregnant again. Just keep on keepin on!

Lisa November 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I’m hoping for you!! I know how hard it is to not have the birth you prepared for. Sending vag-gy vibes your way.

H November 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

(((hugs))) I do understand, we’ve gone through nearly the same thing. I understand the drive and sometimes unreasonable desire to give birth vaginally.

Nicole November 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I understand your disappointment I was faced with this EXACT same situation last year. But the moment the doctor lifted up my little girl all of my anxiety’s and fears went away. I cried. Oh boy did I cry. But they were tears of extreme joy. While I couldn’t hold her just yet and could barely move my head over to kiss her, I knew that I made the right decision. Every now and I mourn the loss of my VBAC. And I know now that if and when we decide to have another it most certainly will be a c-section; but all I can say is this: nothing in life ever goes as planned. Some of the best surprises in life come out of extreme circumstance. Your little one will be in your arm on Monday and that is a blessing that so many would love to have.

Ashley Pridgen November 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

No judging. No fake attempts to try to soothe your anxiety.

But as a hippie believer in positive energy, I am sending so much love your way.

Thank your for sharing your pain. I hope just knowing there are people out there who understand your despair helps you in some way know you are not alone. Even if we are all internet strangers.

Healing thoughts to you. I’m pulling for you. We’re all pulling for you.

K November 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

**hugs**

Devastated and crying for you. That’s just so damned unfair. I’m so sorry…

Katie November 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I’m so, so sorry things are not working out the way you hoped. I applaud your honesty and your courage in putting your deepest feelings “out there”, and I think you are incredibly courageous and brave. I’ll be sending all the good energy I can towards you and your family, hoping that YoshE decides to stop being all dramababy and surprise us all. And if she doesn’t, well, that totally sucks and you are allowed to be sad and mad and all those things. Then hug that wonderful little being and get ready for when she’s a teenager and all that drama hits the fan again!

Michelle b. November 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I’m so sorry that your body isn’t cooperating. It’s hard to let go of a dream. Reality comes and sucker-punches you and it’s not fair. I’m sending you lots of positive, happy thoughts for a wonderful first meeting with your beautiful little girl, however she comes into the world. And if it’s not the way you had hoped, please know that we are here to try to help chase away the sads with our love and support.Big hugs, Momma.

Erika November 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I feel for you. I had a simliar experience with my second pregnancy, went into labor and everything and ended up having to have a repeat C-section only after the suckfest of getting to 7 cm and stopping. Like completely. And I could go on but I won’t because here is the thing- you are already a mom, and from what I can glean from the interwebs a good one. And you know already how to love a baby and you already know how to beat ppd, and you already know SO much more then you did the first time around. All that fear and uncertainty or perhaps downright terror is so much more manageable because you already know. And even if you don’t get what you wanted you have to learn to appreciate that you tried. That’s what being a parent is right? Wanting and trying for the best for your kids and then working with whatever life hands you? It is frustrating and heartbreaking to feel broken but you are not broken. You are bringing a beautiful life into the world and you are growing your family and that is amazing. As easy as it is to be sad about this, and it is undoubtedly sad, please don’t be hard on yourself. All you could ever do was try. ICAN support meetings, if you have not been to one, are an incredible source of support should you want to talk with other gals who get it. Wishing you only the best and most dialated cervix of all time.

Kate November 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

What great words Erika! This is so absolutely true. We want the best for our kids from the beginning, but in the end we don’t get perfection. We work with what we have and are dealt.

SpontaneousMom November 15, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I just want you to know I’m thinking about you. I know there are no magic words to make it all better. But you have lots of love and support from your Internet family/friends. G is going to be such a cute big brother!

shelley November 15, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I totally understand- I had to have 2 C’s- I wanted the whole experience a a vaginal birth but it was too dangerous for me and my babes–who BTW are 31 -just moved to NYC-and 27 still in CO –happy and healthy. Momma hugs to you sweet girl…xo

Kelsi November 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I’ve never commented but have read your blog for a long time. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you but want you to know that you sharing this is enlightening so many women and showing us the difference between good choice/bad choice vs my choice/your choice. Thank you and good luck…I know your yoshe will be perfect.

Julialifeisart November 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Tough, tough stuff. Sadface. But please don’t give up yet! I had an OB tell me on a Friday that I wasn’t even close to labor, but I had my baby by that Sunday night. Doctors don’t know. Midwives don’t know. Even your brain doesn’t know. But your body knows. And either way you’ll have a sweet baby girl to hold SO soon. SuperTightLoveHugs!

Patty November 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I know that it isn’t the same, but with both of my boys, I was induced. Looking back now, I regret not letting my body do its thing. I was induced with my oldest the day after my due date – no medical reason. With my youngest, I was induced at 39 weeks because he was measuring large (he was 9 lbs, 22.5″, so not really too big!). Anyway, I really wish I would have just waited. I also will not know what it feels like to naturally go into labor. So, I can kind of relate.

I’ll be thinking about you guys Monday. Also, I had a dream last night that you had the baby and named her Jane. :)

Jen November 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

My whole life my mom told me I had good child bearing hips. I thought I was going to be a labor champion, pull that baby out kourtney kardashian style. I was 12 days overdue, told I had to be induced. I cried, thinking that would increase my chances of a c-section. After 16 hours of labor and stuck at 4 cm dilated, c-section if was. I cried. Then little guy was born and I was just so happy he arrived safely. Turns out I have a tilted pelvic bone and will need a c-section for next baby too. It sucks. I’m mad my body can’t do it the way nature intended. I hope you can not let it get you down too bad. Some things are just out of our control. I’ll say a little prayer anyways…

heather November 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I think I cried a little with you…it is devastating. Period. I admire your positive energy and the fact that you are still exploring natural remedies to try and stay on the path you crave. Most women at 41 weeks would say “I don’t care…get the baby out!”

Just a little hopeful story…

I had my daughter almost 5 months ago and I refused to be induced…and I had hyperemesis and had 30 IVs with her and was hooked up to an infusion pump at home and only gained 7lbs and hated every single second of my pregnancy. I could have been induced at 39 weeks but I wanted her to come on her own…after it was no longer up to me and it was about getting her out I gave in…scheduled my induction and cried and cried because I was so defeated. As soon as I accepted it I went to bed completely exhausted and beaten…then the next morning at 5:30…I went into labor. Fast and furious she came…and it wasn’t easy…and it wasn’t how I planned it…but I was so happy that I stuck it out. I did it on my terms for as long as I could. It sounds like you are doing the same thing…your terms as long as you can…really giving it your all and staying true to your wants. That is so commendable at 41+ weeks!

I hope you have the experience that you desire…good luck and sending much positive energy your way.

Nancy November 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I feel your pain! I’m a “hippy” mama who tried everything to have a natural birth, but ended up with a csection. It still pains me to think of it. I’m still on the fence about having any more children on account of not wanting to go through that agony again.
Sending you love.

KB November 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

As someone that went through crushing postpartum depression with my first, I truly understand the fear of what’s to come with the second. I’m not going to lie, I had it with the second too. But I understood it, I recognized it, my husband understood and recognized it, we were prepared. It was easier to handle. I’m sorry that you’re having this birth experience– again. It’s so unfair. Know that there are many of us out here that will walk through the PPD journey with you again, if need be.

Stephanie November 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I know how heartbroken you are right now. I wanted purely natural too. I had to have interventions but thankfully no c section. You aren’t failing. Your body is not failing. I know that everyone will say a healthy baby is all that matters, and its not completely true. A healthy baby is the most important, sure, but your ability to accept what has happened and cope is going to be paramount in your recovery. This is a very important time because ppd is an all to real thing. I would very very highly suggest you start speaking to someone immediately that is a professional an trained in this sort of thing. It is a very big deal and not something you should be asked to “get over”. Anything as highly anticipated as a birth that doesn’t go the way you wished can have a devastating effect on you, whether everyone else believes it or not.
In the meanwhile do your best to focus on all the good thing that are happening. I know it’s going to be very hard, but it will help some. You’re going to be ok. Just please be proactive and speak to someone that can help you.

Wendi Kilbride November 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes you just need someone to hold your hair back and rub your back till the pain passes….the good news in your situation is that when the pain does pass, you’ll have a chubby, sweet baby girl in your arms…not a hangover or walk of shame

Rachael November 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I’m barely holding back tears. I had a c-section completely unexpectedly the first time around. My cervix never effaced… never softened, never lowered. It didn’t do jack shit. And then the postpartum depression that I naively am only recovering from 2 years later because I refused treatment. Awful. Babysitting after surgery struck a chord in me, that’s exactly how it felt. It was confusing and scary.

I am so afraid of getting pregnant again and going through it all again. And here you are.. actually doing it, actually going through it. I just want you to know, I understand. Completely. I am mourning the probable loss of your VBAC with you but I will keep hoping until monday. I’ll hope enough for both of us.

You and B are both prepared to handle it this time around, all of it. You got this. No matter how it goes down. You will nip that depression in the bud, you got this. And also? I’m so sorry, it’s not fair.

Heather November 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I am so sorry MODG. This sucks. While I have a different situation, my first birth also didn’t go as planned (AT ALL), and I’ve felt robbed ever since. All the reminding myself of how awesome and perfect my baby boy is, is really just for show. Because I hate how his birth went down. And he’s almost two, and I still effing hate it. And now I’m pregnant again, and hoping to do it the crunchy granola way I always dreamed of, but I’m scared shitless of it not happening.

I know you know how loved and supported you are by your friends, family, and fans, and I hope everyone gives you all the encouragement and all the finger-crossing-hoping-for-a-miracle well wishes you deserve.

But sometimes, you just want to hear, “You’re right, that effin sucks.” Because it does. Preggo to preggo hugs, MODG. You rock.

Heather November 15, 2012 at 11:05 pm

*um my son is awesome, that came out weird. There should have been a “despite how his birth process was” somewhere in there…

Hillary November 15, 2012 at 8:42 pm

I still beat myself up over the medicated birth I didn’t want. I understand. I would’ve cried, too. Big hugs to you, and I’m really really hoping she surprises you. My OB told me that you never know – some women are dilated and effaced for weeks before birth. Other women go from zero to baby in a day. It’s probably of little comfort to say you’ll meet your sweet girl soon, but that’s going to be pretty awesome no matter what.

Stac November 15, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I know the mourning you are going through. My first child was an unexpected c section and I had postpartum as well. So I wanted the same thing as you, for my body to do what it is meant to do and to hold a baby as soon as I give birth to it and experience that bond. Unfortunately my second ended up as a c section as well. Since he will probably be my last I do feel like a failure. They told me my body knows what it is doing and I should be able to have a baby in a field. Apparently I would have died in a field trying to give birth if it weren’t for a doctor. 5 months later now I am still upset I didn’t get to experience natural child birth, but thankfully I didn’t have any postpartum with this child and loved him the moment I heard him cry. I know how you feel and I hope time helps you heal. I know I’m no one to you, but I hope things go ok and that you get to hold your baby girl soon. Good luck to you!

Stac November 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm

*postpartum depression, not just postpartum. Can I still use pregnancy brain 5 months after giving birth?!

S November 15, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Damnit MODG, God help the person who gives you shit for mourning the birth that you wanted.
Sorry, that may be a little harsh for what you want to be a respectful discussion. It just makes me cringe when people say it won’t matter when the baby is here, especially when you went through this with G and it DID matter. That’s so dismissive of one’s feelings.
The good news is that you may have a little more time to talk to this with your midwife and figure out how to prevent what happened last time, with the awful PPD. I know this just sucks, but I’m trying to think of something positive here! I like what the commenter above said about a natural c/s. I’ve never heard of one and I’m about to go look that up!
I know there is still time for Yoshe to come on her own, and I’m SO hoping she does, but it’s good you are being realistic that she might not. Again, don’t let any possible negative comments get to you. There will always be someone out there who is worse off than you, but that has nothing to do with your feelings.

linka72 November 15, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Damn it all, I’ve been through postpartum after my c/s and it sucked..I was ashamed of myself and hid it because I was afraid people would judge me..people are assholes but don’t let it get YOU down.
*Talking to YoShe*: Lookahere lady, come on outta there before Monday the way your Momma would like you to mmmmk?
MODG, I’m sending positive thoughts your way (in a non internet stranger way).

Stef November 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

God I wish I had something, anything to say that would make you feel better but words are so inadequate sometimes. I’m simply commenting to say we’re here (internet friends) to listen. I’m sorry modg!

Anne November 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

This was very well written, and you truly got your feelings across better than ever before. I am one of those moms who had repeat c-sections (after an emergency first one) with no thought to it, and while I didn’t judge your desire to try a VBAC, I also didn’t understand how important it was to you. Not that I thought it was WRONG for you to put so much value in it…I simply didn’t “get it”. Reading this brought tears to my eyes because I could feel your disappointment. I’m sorry. It sucks when things that are SO IMPORTANT don’t go the way we want them to. I’ll keep everything crossed (well not my legs, you know how it is) that you do get to have the birth experience you hope for and want.

If it is ANY consolation, any at all…a repeat c-section is nothing like an unplanned/emergency one. Yes, it is clinical and sterile, and I won’t pretend it is the same experience as a vaginal birth must be, but it isn’t as scary. You aren’t as confused, or uncertain, and they walk you through every step. Again, I know it isn’t what you want at all, but the level of control is much higher than when it is a last minute call. I was seriously cracking jokes, calling my parents, and yes, breastfeeding within 45 minutes of baby being born. I swear. Recovery was easier too. Knowing that is what you are headed for will hopefully help your postpartum depression stay at bay. Disappointing, no doubt, but at least you are as prepared as you can be. Hang in there, everyone is rooting for you!!

Kristin November 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

My wish for you…peace.

Hailey November 15, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Maybe you could talk to your midwife about doing something like this “natural c-section.” Best of luck!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m5RIcaK98Yg

Becky November 15, 2012 at 8:45 pm

I cried while reading this. We have all become a part of your journey and my heart goes out to you and B. It is so hard to have to come to the realization that something we’ve dreamt about and worked toward cannot happen. I hope you come out on the other side of this, no matter how it happens, happy and okay.

Liz November 15, 2012 at 8:45 pm

MODG. You’re right. I can’t in any way relate. Except for this. You put your heart out there and I would hope all of your regular readers are with me in saying; we know that this is important to you. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spirtually. And though I don’t completely understand I am sad for you. But though your hope be low, mine’s not. Maybe all that I can offer is that I’ve been sending happy VBAC vibes straight to PA since that first post announcing the newest addition to your family. And I think that everyone here agrees that next week we will be sending happy thoughts and will be virtually standing with you. Hearts MODG!!

Kelly @ Turned Up To Eleven! November 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I am so sorry you are dealing with this – and I wish I had the right things to say, but I’ve never been in this position. I just hate that you aren’t getting the birth experience you want, and so truly deserve. Thank you for being so honest with everyone, and in dealing with this, writing is probably helping someone else that feels exactly as you do. And if they don’t to help others understand what you’re going through.

I’m thinking of you! oxox

Ashley November 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm

MODG–thanks for sharing this beautifully written and thoughtful post. I hope that no matter what happens over the next few days that you’ll have complete peace with it. PPD sucks and is hard to go through and I hope you don’t have any of it. I bet you’ll have a much better experience this time no matter what. I can’t wait to see pictures of the beautiful girl! Your body knows what it’s doing.

Courtney November 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I am hurting for you and will keep you in my thoughts thru the weekend and keep hoping the outcome turns and you’ll get the birth you want. However, if you end up having a C on Monday I know you’ll be ready and prepared to meet your baby girl and you’ll be ok. I’m not a postpartum expert but I do think that when you have a funny toddler running around making you laugh and giving you the best hugs and reminding you why you’re awesome… it brightens up even the darkest of days. You are surrounded by tons and tons of love! We’re all hear rooting for you!! XOXO :)

Mallory November 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

I cannot offer any words to make you feel better, other than I deeply understand your desire for a VBAC and the disappointment of it not working. I found out two weeks ago that I will not be able to try…but I at least have 17 more weeks to try and mentally prepare myself. I’m sorry that you are just now having to come to terms with something at 40 weeks pregnant. After reading your story and following along, and sharing a lot of your same beliefs/hopes (and fears, especially about ppd following a cesarean) I am mourning for you. I do not know you, but I will be thinking and wishing for something big to happen in the next few days like I would for my very best friend. In the meantime, take solace and celebrate the fact that your body has done what it’s supposed to…it’s created and grown a beautiful, healthy baby girl and carried her strongly to term. That is a feat in and of itself, and you should be proud.

No matter how your baby girl arrives, I wish you and your family all of the best. I will especially be thinking of you, and hoping that you will not have to worry about or suffer through ppd – it is certainly scary. I believe you’re strong, and aware, and will get through whatever comes your way.

Lisa B November 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

You made me laugh, and cry, and then cry some more and then laugh again. I had a c/s with my first and felt so completely alone in my misery. I didn’t know one person who had had a c/s and was openly upset about it. I had SO MANY people tell me that all that mattered was that I had a healthy baby and I wanted to choke everyone of them. It took me a solid year, and finding a message board of those attempting a VBAC, to finally feel like I wasn’t insane for being unhappy with my delivery.

We aren’t sure if we will have another child for completely unrelated reasons. If we do, I hope to try for a VBAC but that is scary as hell for me. I am afraid to set myself up again just to be disappointed. I am so sorry you are there, dealing with this grief all over again. I know in your shoes I would feel just the same that you do.

Please know you are in my thoughts. Hoping that you go into labor on your own but if not wishing you the best delivery possible. I have seen a youtube video and several birth plans geared toward “natural” c/s. If I end up pregnant again and must have a c/s, I am hoping to make it a better experience than last time. If you google “natural cesarean section” you will find the video and more information. Good luck MODG!

Christina November 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

As you wrote above, I don’t understand 100% how you feel, but I do understand this is devastating to you and for that I so sorry. I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way that however this sweet baby decides to make an entrance that you and B will have an experience that exceeds your expectations.
I know that you aren’t looking for anyone to offer advice and I have no experience to give anyway. I just hope that possibly the preparation you have going in with this knowledge, as disheartening and unfortunate as it is, allows you to be at peace when the moment comes.
Good luck with the final days, hours, or minutes waiting and we can’t wait to see her!

Liz November 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I am so sad for you.

I hope with all my heart that you go into labor on your own before Monday. I’ll be praying for you.

~Liz

Jenny November 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Hugs and glitter, my friend. I don’t know what to say to help lift this off of you, so like so many will stand beside you patiently until you’re ready for all the hugs and glitter your heart can hold <3

Amy H. November 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm

My heart hurts for you. I don’t understand what you’re going through, but if all of this makes you feel the way you do, then I really, really feel for you. I’m going to pray for you, whether you like it or not. :) I’m going to pray that your water breaks, that you WILL have a successful VBAC, that your baby girl will be perfectly healthy, that you will have that delivery you’ve always dreamed about. I hope I’m not freaking you out. Standing with you sister and praying for YOU!
ps…Matthew 21:22

Angelina Cooke November 15, 2012 at 8:50 pm

With my first born, I had a vaginal birth, but thanks to lots of interventions he was born barely alive. Without even an opportunity to hold him or smell him he was whisked away to NICU and stayed there for 4 days. I wasn’t allowed to hold him or breastfeed, I was devastated. I remember well that strange and awful feeling that can happen when a mother experiences birth in a way she had not anticipated, and mourns what she imagined it would be. Even having narrowly escaped that threatened c-section I still went through that emotional pain. I feel for you, and wish the best for you no matter what the outcome is. You are so strong and your love for this baby is so evident to all of us reading from miles and miles away. <3

Nwright November 15, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Amanda, are you only able to go one week past your due date? Most home birthing moms I know say that its ok to go up to 2 1/2 weeks past their due date and I was 2 weeks late with my 4th before she came on her own. Or is it different with vbacs? It just seems like due dates can oftentimes be a bit off and that anything between 38-42 weeks is perfectly normal. Are you not able to use cervadil to try and help soften the cervix? Do they know the position of the baby or can they do an ultrasound to see whats going on? My ob has actually manually turned babies when the mom was in danger of a c section and it has actually been successful. Just trying to throw out options that may help because being a mom who has had all six of my children naturally, I too know the importance of wanting to birth your baby naturally. Keep trying and exploring your options until the last moment because you never know what could happen. I had one of my daughters 2 hours before I was scheduled for them to start induction. I have had friends birth at home naturally after their first born was a vbac in a hospital. Things can change in a moment. Really hoping you able to experience it yourself. I feel you!

Gracie November 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

41 weeks is her Doctor’s cut off for a VBAC – too risky for her life.

Lisa November 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

It’s really not true though. Going past 41 weeks does not mean a big risk to anyone’s life. Repeat C-sections are not risk-free. Each C-section puts a woman’s health at greater risk, increasing her risk of blood loss, damage to internal organs, and raising her risk during future pregnancies. It’s not as if one is choosing between a “dangerous VBAC at 41 and 1″ or a “110% safe section.”

I had a VBAC, and my doctor said there would be no reason to consider any induction until after 42 weeks. He would just want to see me for BPP’s every few days after 41 weeks. He wasn’t playing games with my life. He is one of the most highly regarded OB’s in the area.

Some doctors get all crazy if a mom goes a day over 40 weeks. It doesn’t mean it’s evidence based practice. I am an OB RN, and I’ve seen doctors say a whole lot of things to women that are not true and make their personal policies based on whims and not evidence.

Emily November 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Before my VBAC, I had a “just in case” conversation, where I went over everything I’d hated about my first c-section (having my arms strapped down, being separated from my baby, etc.) and discussed how we could make it go better this time, if it came to that. I left that appointment feeling so much better because I KNEW that no matter what happened, it was going to be better than the last time.

YoShe will make her appearance however she needs to, and we will be here to support you guys no matter what happens. Best of luck! So much can change in just a few days- I am rooting for you!

Lisa November 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm

So sorry to hear things aren’t progressing like you had hoped for. I have never had a c-section, but after a traumatic first birth I was determined and scared that I would not have the dream delivery I hoped for with my second.

Try to stay positive, as hard as that is.
I am sure you have heard of this but if not, have you thought about trying Lemon Verbana?? My midwife swore by this stuff. Said she had a 95 percent success rate of having it put women in to labour. She had the true stuff though, not the less potent stuff.

Anyway, sending you major labour vibes!! Good luck!

Veronica November 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I’m so sorry. Having done it twice, I know why you would want to do this terrible thing, and I thought I got what you were feeling, until I read the line “And I’ll wonder why I’m babysitting after surgery. Because that’s what it feels like.”

Ugh. I cried. I think I really get it now. I thought I could wrap my mind around how hard it would be to go through an unwanted c-section and not get to experience a natural delivery, but I guess I really didn’t, because I really didn’t imagine you feeling that way after your c-section. I’m so sorry. You’re right, having a healthy baby is of the utmost importance, and you would give up anything to have that, but I’m sorry you have to give up so much just to get that.

I know you won’t believe it, but you AREN’T broken. You wouldn’t tell a mom who isn’t able to breastfeed for some reason that she is broken, so try not to tell yourself that.

I hope you have a chance still of getting your VBAC, but if not, I will be thinking of you and hoping you have peace. I will be willing you peace. I hope you get some of it.

Wesley YesImAGirl November 15, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Girl, you are one tough broad and I hope you don’t forget it. You can do anything – anything – and I know this is a trial for you, but you’ll handle it, cuz that’s what you do.

It doesn’t help, it doesn’t make it easier, but it’s the bone deep truth, sister. We’re women and we do what has to be done.

Teresa November 15, 2012 at 8:53 pm

We will hold out hope for you because it is devastating to have your birth plan changed. And I think you did an amazing thing in writing this and explaining it so well. Thank you for sharing. I’m sending magic sparkly vagina juice vibes your way!

Laura November 15, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I love that you shared all this. Amazing. I’m praying you get your wish for a VBAC. In the meantime – have a back up plan! Find a way today to celebrate your new lil one’s birth even if it is via c-section. Make it special, you can plan in advance this time to hopefully ward off the feelings of “babysitting” versus bonding. You can do this. No matter which way it goes. You can do this, and you can handle it, and you can love it. You can.

Bryn @ Away at Home Mom November 15, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I just sent you an email. Please know we are all pulling for you.

Beth November 15, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I’m holding onto my hope for you. And if it doesn’t happen, I will support your grief. I really super <3 you. Not in a creepy way.

Morgan November 15, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Beautifully written. Thank you, again, for accurately verbalizing what is so hard to explain. I really feel for you and B, and I’m sorry the birth you’ve worked so hard to experience likely will not happen for you. I wish you strength and peace to make it through these next few days and to welcome your baby girl into this world. We will all be here, waiting to ooh and ahh over her gorgeous picture and support you in the best way Internet strangers can. Much love.

Amy L. November 15, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Well, that just stinks. I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a c-section with my son too and felt the same way about it. Still trying to make peace with it and fear that I’ll never get to experience birth the way I’ve always dreamed of- I totally understand where you are coming from. Still, it’s only Thursday and there is still hope. Praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way. Hang in there, and thanks for sharing such personal stuff with us and letting us follow along on your journey.

Rachel November 15, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I haven’t read all the comments, but I have been following your blog. Is there a reason you can only go to 41 weeks? My 2nd child was a VBAC and she was 9 days late. I went into labor on the 8th day, and just a few days before I was told I wasn’t dilated at all. One midwife told me I should just schedule the c-section (for 42 weeks, but still, I was upset at that). All I’m trying to say is progress in advance means nothing really. I had a long labor, but a successful VBAC, and I felt like I was NEVER going to go into labor, especially after finding out I wasn’t even dilated at all at 40 weeks 4 days. It SUCKED. I cried. And then I cried again. And then I cried again to another midwife in the practice who said that my extreme emotionalness (is that a word?) was a sign of early labor, lol.

So, please don’t feel like all bets are off now. But also figure out if 41 weeks is really a deadline you need. Read more, ask questions, agree to more NSTs if necessary. These deadlines freak us out, and psych us out, but if they’re not really necessary, don’t follow them. Hugs!

Colleen November 15, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I’m so sorry you may not get the birth you want. I didn’t, and I probably still have some slight PTSD about it, 10 months later. But, I firmly believe it all works out for the best, and I hope you can find a silver lining, like I did, to make you feel better.
Good luck!

Jen November 15, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I’m a single 29 year old woman who is far from the place that you are currently. A few of my friends from college and life have had babies already and most of them via c-section. A couple of them talk frequently about wanting / needing to have a VBAC for their second baby. I had no idea what they were talking about. I had to Google what VBAC stood for.

I can’t even imagine how painful this post was for you to write. But I want you to know that while I can never truly understand what you are going through, your post makes me actually understand why this is so important to a mom.

Annette November 15, 2012 at 9:01 pm

sending you tons of love!!!!!

erin November 15, 2012 at 9:01 pm

i’m so sorry, amanda. at first when i started reading this i was thinking, “well maybe nature never really intended HER to have a natural birth…” and then i felt like a jerk. i never really dreamed of a dreamy vaginal birth, so i’ve never had to deal with the loss and disappointment of that dream. i’ve had two c-sections (first birth= twin birth, dr. wouldn’t do it vaginally, plus the babies were breach and transverse. second birth= singleton c-section, dr. wouldn’t do a vbac) and know that they are NO WALK IN THE PARK EITHER. i’ve had inefficient pain meds to where i basically recovered without any pain relief, incision not fully healed OR closed weeks postpartum and a nasty anesthesiologist that kept poking nerves over and over. if i ever have another baby i’m going to have some serious anxiety about another c-section, they kinda suck. so, i feel ya. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i hope that if you really have to have a c-section that it goes amazingly well for the sucky situation that it is. you’re a tough motha, you can do this!!

Genevieve November 15, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Holding space for you MODG. Feel what you need to feel and make no apologies for it!

Cristina November 15, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I’m so sorry. I recently had a scheduled c-section because I had to have an emergency one after failed labor the first time, and I had another big baby this time and we decided not to even attempt vbac because of the complications my first baby had. I know this won’t make you feel better probably but the scheduled c-section was 100% better than the emergency one. It was calm and easy and I was nursing my baby within an hour. The most important part for me was that this baby had also had meconium in the fluid, my older son had it and ended up not breathing and in the NICU. Since this time around I just went with the c-section instead of the hours of labor stress they suctioned this baby out and he was fine…moral is that once I accepted that this baby was not going to stop breathing I realized that the c-section actually was just the best thing for me and my babies both times. Yes, my body failed in the actual birthing aspect. However I was capable of getting pregnant, growing 2 beautiful babies with very little sickness and no major complications during pregnancy..I just can’t get them out on my own apparently. So many women can’t do those things even so I focus on that and be glad we don’t live in the Walking Dead world (if you don’t watch the show don’t worry about that reference). Anyways, I hope that since you have some time to process what will happen this time around you can think positive thoughts and be more emotionally ready for a c-section so everything goes better. I really believe it will! Plus…as my husband likes to say…you’ll still have the original plumbing of a 16 year old. Surely B can appreciate that. :)

Leigh November 15, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I had a scheduled c/s with my first and had mixed feelings about it, but when he came out there was meconium and the cord was around his neck and my O/B was relieved we had done the c. It did help to hear that in hindsight.

I also co-sign everyone who has talked about what a scheduled c-section is like. I had my son on my chest within minutes and was breastfeeding in less than an hour. I don’t have a vaginal birth experience to compare it to, but it was really intimate and profound and wonderful. Since it is scheduled, you have more of a chance to be fully present in the moment.

Nicole November 15, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Sads. I was just thinking about you this morning hoping that you went into labor.

After my first son was born I re-lived that day over and over. I remember what my doctor said every time he came in, how everybody was always in a rush and how the nurses had horrible bed side manners. I started getting mad at myself because I felt like my c-section could have been prevented if I’d learned as much as I could about birth. If I had asked my OBGYN more questions (who, by the way, had is license suspended this year for not catching pre-e on a mother!) If I had been more out spoken. So this time around I decided to try a VBAC. My husband only agreed to it after we found a doctor who would do it, and got his opinion on whether or not he thought I could do it. The deal with my husband was, if I went into labor by myself before 40 weeks, then we try. But if not we schedule a c-section at 40 weeks. Because it’s been like this the whole 9 or so months, I am having an easier time adjusting to whatever happens, happens. And all that matters is that I get to hold a healthy baby at the end. B sounds amazing about the whole thing by the way! My husband told me the other day, I would just rather you have a c-section and be done with it. Really!!!!

And now, I am in the exact same situation as you. I am 36 weeks pregnant, the little guy is measuring 40 weeks. (how the hell does that happen!) at 32 weeks they told me he weighed 5 lbs 10 oz! My doctor for the moment is keeping on open mind (thank god), but dooms day keeps getting closer and closer with no sign of labor anytime soon.

I get it though, I want the same as you. I just want to give birth the way my body is supposed to, and have a healthy baby who received all the benefits of coming through “the canal”. I hope that yoshe decides this weekend is her time to come. I hope you try to come to terms with a c-section so that PPD won’t be so bad, or non existent. I hope that breast feeding is super easy with absolutely no problems. But most of all, I hope that your little family is healthy and happy.

Ashley November 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I wanted to write something amazing…but all I could come up with is…that sucks.

N2 November 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I’m sorry that things aren’t progressing the way you had hoped and wished for, but you are right, in the end you will have a happy and healthy baby girl. At the end of the day that’s what matters.
Unlike a lot of people I chose my csection, not understanding fully what that meant. I didn’t get to hold him until 3 hours after his birth because they neglected to let anyone know I was out of recovery. Babysitting after surgery sounded all to familiar to me as well, because that’s how it felt, confusing and emotional.
Next time, I am opting for a csection but making things go down the way I want them to. Maybe, if things don’t progress before Monday… this is an option for you too? I’ve seen and heard of several csections where they make it more like a natural birth. I realize it isn’t, but it might help. The doctors lower the curtain so that you can see your baby girl born, so you can see her brought into the world. In the ones I’ve seen done they also place the baby right on mom for a few minutes, and don’t strap down one of her arms either (one of mine was free as well). Also, they let the baby come to the mom in recovery, so that breastfeeding can happen right away, so that mom and baby can have time together right away.
Like I’ve said, this isn’t a natural birth by any means, but might allow for a little more of that initial bonding.
However it happens, you are going to have a beautiful new addition to your family soon and we are all behind you 100%.

Erin November 15, 2012 at 9:09 pm

You sweet, beautiful, honest woman….I love and respect you without even knowing you. I wish you nothing but a sweet sweet baby girl to have and to hold and that your cervix is like a pear (you know because pears are crazy fruit and one minute they are too hard and then the next they are all mushy) and will turn quickly before Monday. Never lose hope, but I respect and honor your decisions no matter what.

<3 Unicorn Sprinkle Fairy Vomit….because if I had a blog that is what I would want someone to say to me :)

eileen marie November 15, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I’m so sorry, Modg. I don’t think you should hold out false hope, but there is that chance, however slight, that this might happen for you in the next few days. I know all about feeling like your body is broken -I’ve been trying to get pregnant for over a year. And at first, I will admit, I was a little irritated a real-live actual pregnant person would complain about ANYTHING. But it’s about perspective -you have never known what it’s like to struggle to get pregnant and keep coming up empty, and I have never known what it’s like to be pigeon-holed into a c-section or feel postpartum depression. I am not judging you -your descriptions made it a lot easier for me to understand what you are going through, what you have been through, and what you likely will go through. I have learned that everything is relative, and everyone’s situation depends on the context. Wishing you the best in the next few days and the early weeks with your new daughter.

Alisha Helton November 15, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I’m so sorry, and so sad for you. I was devastated to have to have a c-section with my son. When I got pregnant with my daughter I knew I would be having another and I made peace with it. My hips are too small and my labor (40 hours worth) was torture. 5 min long contractions, my sons heart rate dropping every time they increased Pitocin, the projectile vomiting at transition, the fever I spiked at the end that rushed me to the OR for surgery. I had no real desire to repeat that. I focused on the end result- healthy baby. I had a miscarriage before her and I spent my pregnancy petrified something would go wrong and I would lose her. I’m sorry you won’t get to bring Yoshe into the world the way you wanted. I am however happy for you and your family. You are having a little girl! All this is worth it. I know you know that, and I don’t have to write it. I respect your feelings and sense of loss. I’m heartbroken for you. Hugs and good vibes from me to you.

Ryan November 15, 2012 at 9:10 pm

All I can say is this: **HUGS**

Meg November 15, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I get it. Honestly. I’ve had two kids. And never had the chance to go into labor with either of them. It seems I have an exceptionally small pelvis and married an exceptionally large man – you could actually feel their tiny heads over-riding my tinier pelvis, which prevented them from ever dropping and me from ever going into labor. We waited to 42weeks with my first, hoping something would happen. And then were told that even with induction, nothing would. Despite the classes I’d taken, the birth plans I’d made, and the months prepping myself and dealing with pre-partum depression, I couldn’t bring my own child into this world. And even though I’ve gone through this twice now, and know if there are more it will be the same, part of me feels like less of a woman – the inability to do the most natural thing in the world, to have even experienced labor pains or my water breaking…so I’m just trying to tell you that I get it. And as much as the whole “kid doesn’t care/goal is to have a baby no matter what?” It sucks.

Bethany November 15, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I am so sorry. I’ve had two c-sections, and both were devastating, but the second one more so, because, like you, I spent 9 months planning, hoping, preparing, and praying for a VBAC. I went into labor naturally, labored 36 hours with no meds, pushed for over an hour, and then had to have a c-section anyway. But I can say this: while my first section made me feel like I was baby-sitting after surgery, my second did not. I don’t know if it would be the same for you without any labor, but I think it’s because the second time around I put even more love, care, time and energy into preparing for this child than I did with the first. With the first, you don’t know what it will be like, but the second is more familiar, even if it’s different. I don’t think you will feel so emotionally distanced this time. At least, I hope not. I really hope and pray that you get the birth you want and that there is very little PPD. But even if you don’t, just know that it wasn’t your fault and you’re not defective. It’s taken me a long time to realize that, so I understand that it’s easier said than done. Good luck.

The Reset November 15, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I’m ten weeks behind you in the nearly exact same scenario… including the same thoughts about wanting to push a baby out like literally every one of my friends. I don’t know one friend that has had a c-section. A girl at my office the other day said she wanted to have an elective c-section and I nearly ripped her head off verbally. You’ve been so much more positive than I have… I honestly think there’s a 5% chance my baby will want to come out on her own. I don’t know why I’m so negative but here we are. I feel like a failure for having to end up with a c-section and I think you’re the only person I (don’t actually) know who understands that. I’m just writing this to let you know I appreciate you sharing, because at least someone knows how I feel. So thank you. I just keep trying to remind myself that the one thing my sweet two year old at home will NEVER think is that I failed in birthing her, and neither will this sweet baby in my belly. And neither will your kiddos. Expect the worst, hope for the best, and know that your kids love you more than anything in the world no matter how they come out. Crossing my fingers and making my wishes and saying my prayers for you.

Lauren November 15, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Hi- I never comment, but I felt the need to with this post. I am sending labor vibes to you and keeping my fingers crossed that things work out the way YOU want it to.

Rachel November 15, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I’ve never commented before, but I just had to tell you how sorry I am. I can’t say I understand how you feel because I haven’t gone through it, but I do believe that I would be feeling exactly how you feel if I did go through this. I really hope that you go into labor naturally before Monday and that you have your precious Yoshi exactly the way you want. It seems like so often people who want to give birth naturally, end up with c-sections and those who would choose surgery end up having their babies not only vaginally, but without medication because things progress so quickly. This is one of those things that seems so cruel to me. I can’t put into words how sorry I am. I really hope that no matter what birth you experience, you don’t have to go through PPD again, because I can’t even imagine those feelings you dealt with. I’m sending you all sorts of labor dust in hopes that you go into labor immediately. You deserve the labor you want and I really hope you get it!

erynne November 15, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I am so, so sorry. While I didn’t have a traumatic birth experience, I SO relate to your feelings if loss of something you wanted so badly for yourself and your child – you are describing exactly how I felt and still feel about what I refer to as my personal breastfeeding hell, which ended at six weeks. Everything from loss to failure to depression to feeling judged. I am so very sorry this is not turning out how you wanted it to be. But know that you have reached a lot of women tonight by sharing what you have, and maybe it will keep us from judging other mothers so harshly. We can hope! Best of luck to you.

Melissa O November 15, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I am crying with you, I was told I”d never have kids at the age of 17! 17 years old and I’m being told I have to have a hysterectomy, I have cervical and uterine cancer… 17 i cried and cried and cried for months and I said hell no let it kill me… I will not ruin my chances of having some what of a normal happy life… well 4 years later I was on birth control to help have a “normal” cycle and keep cyst and all that jazz down as well as 3 mo. check ups to the dr and often times stretching it out to 6 mos when I “got the flu” oh lord was I sick for 3 weeks on end, no eating, couldn’t get out the bed NOTHING.. and cramping the size of texas going on in my belly… I went to the dr and they said Omg your pregnant, i cried again and said what, hows that possible,, they say don’t get your hopes up you’ll loose this baby… I have a healthy 4 year old beautiful boy who is smart as can be… I wanted a natural birth, I had complications and had to be induced, that was the ONLY medicine I had pitocin… 3 1/2 yrs later they say Melissa if you want anymore kids you need to try now because I got the mirena it left me “infertile” I took some meds meditated read all kinds of crazy stuff and did all kinds of homeopathic stuff and after a year of trying I have a beautiful baby girl, I have been”blessed” as some would say of having these kids but the road to get here, has been nothing but suffering and I can completely feel your pain and I had post partum with my girl, and it sucks and I really haven’ t been the same since.. I even got depressed DURING my pregnancy thinking oh god what do I do to my son… but he loves that little girl more than anything and I’m sure that once you get over this hump and look back a year or two from now you will be PROUD of YOU because YOU are Awesome, and you deserve to be happy and you will be… every journey and every turn in our little life leads us somewhere for something and by YOUR post i’m sure you have comforted and helped someone else…Thank you!

renee November 15, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I so want to start this with “sweetie…” but not in an awful condescending way but more of an, “I’m could be your big sister and I’ve done this already” sort of way. So let me say this with that in mind:
Sweetie, you are so great at everything you touch, I know this feels like failure but it isn’t. This is a moment in time in which you developed an organic sense of empathy for the people you will encounter in the future and while that may sound trite right now, it isn’t meant so. You are designed for success and this is a necessary experience.
The most piercing statement I would love all who read your very raw and vunerable words to take away is this “It’s so Jane stops judging Judy who wants a natural birth and Judy stops judging Jane.”
Who possibly judge you for this ? Only you and you need to stop. Please know that you have so many people who genuinely love you and look forward to your voice. Please know that you are loved, especially by your lovely husband and babies. You can do this.

sarah November 15, 2012 at 11:42 pm

MODG, friend, know that in a beautiful and not-so-small way, you and your sweet soon-to-arrive baby have made me feel less alone. Painful? Yes. But purposeless? No. No, no and no again. Renee said it so eloquently: Please know that you are loved.

Thank you for sharing courageously and boldly. Cheering you on today, tomorrow and next week and the week after that . . . after all, that’s what friends are for.

Amber November 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Oh Amanda, I am so sorry you things aren’t going the way you hoped :( I can sort-of relate. My daughter ended up being born emergency c-section at 42 weeks. I had to be induced, and at 8 1/2 cm she got stuck in the birth canal. I never got to have that amazing birth experience that I had hoped and planned for, and I’m scared I never will in the future. I hope baby YoShe surprises you and decides to get her act together :) I’ll be thinking about, and praying for you and your family! Good luck! And know we’re all here to support you! Whatever happens, you’ve got the love and support of all of your blog friends!

Leyna November 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm

I get it…and I’m so sorry.

Sid November 15, 2012 at 9:17 pm

All hope is not lost! You have 3 more days to go into labor on your own. Anything could happen in that amount of time.

Kristen November 15, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Wow. I have to admit I don’t religiously read your posts but I do catch them once a week or so and this one just tugged on my heart strings. You brought me to tears. It must be a mom thing. I can understand your heart 100% and I’m praying that you will get the labor you want. It does no good to say you get a baby at the end because obviously that’s true. But this is important and I desperately want you to have your happy ending. Just know that if you do experience ppd you can and will get through it. Thinking of you!

Jaclyn November 15, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I am sorry you are going to have your dream birth experience. I know this comment won’t help and it may make you want to kick me but… maybe this is the way it is supposed to happen.

You are NOT broken, You are NOT a failure. Maybe Yoshi is in a bad position or has the cord in a bad position that a vaginal birth would put her and you at risk. Rejoice in the healthy happy baby, not the loss of an ideal.

As a labor and delivery nurse at a very high volume and high risk hospital I have seen the 2% risk factors occur. I have seen the uterine rupture, the cord entrapped baby, the cord prolapse. I have seen Mom’s fight for an ideal and have a bad outcome. I have also seen beautiful successful VBAC’s and great all natural labors. I support all things and I have seen that childbirth prepares you for being a parent. It shows you that anything you have as an ideal… may not happen based on the baby.

When you go to the hospital talk to the staff. Skin to Skin is possible in the OR (it’s a personal passion of mine). Ask that Yoshi not be taken to a nursery or other recovery area without you. Ask if she can have all that time with you. INSIST ON IT!!!!!!!!!

Still have so much of the experience and rejoice in the one perk of repeat C/S. Your Va-JaJa will be as tight as Brittany’s, Christina’s and all the famous ones who don’t want to mess things down there up!

Best of luck to you. Rejoice on the baby… not the way the baby comes.

Susan November 15, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I don’t know you, but I feel like I do. I’m sending love and whatever else you need to get through this.

-Susan in GA

Lauren November 15, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Thank you for being so honest and putting this out there. My prayers are with you as you go through whatever this process brings. Prayers for healthy baby girl and mommy and ppd nowhere in sight.

Sara November 15, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I had a vaginal birth and still felt like I was babysitting for a long time

Kelly November 15, 2012 at 10:53 pm

me too. I don’t think it’s just a c-section thing. i think it’s a baby blues/ppd thing.

carla November 16, 2012 at 3:27 am

Me, as well. It took me forever — 11 months! — to get help, and only now do I feel like I’m truly enjoying and connecting with my son. I wish you grace, MODG, whatever happens come Monday, and during those hazy, sleep-deprived postpartum days. Sending rainbows and magic hippie dust to you!

Elizabeth November 15, 2012 at 9:24 pm

This brought tears to my eyes. Sad, of course, but beautifully written. I wish you, B, G & YoShe all the very best happy, healthy vibes for a peaceful next few days. You’re one brave lady. xo

jules November 15, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Sending you so, so many good vibes. Everyone is routing for you! Thanks for sharing this amazing post.

ElsMom November 15, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I get it. We adopted after many miscarriages (7) and an ectopic. I never got to experience the joy of childbirth. I feel left out when women talk about birth “stuff”. Be strong, cry when you need to and hug your gorgeous little man. Your feelings are real, and they are yours. Namaste dear friend (even though we have never met!).

jenny November 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Every pregnancy is different, and every delivery is different, and every experience after delivery is different, so this time, there might not be postpartum depression, and this time there might be superglue instabond. I know you need to grieve what won’t be, but don’t set yourself up for disappointment when things could very well be different this time. Be open to the possibilites, ‘kay? I had two different deliveries, a natural birth first with no bond, and big time depression, and a c-section with big time bondage and no postpartum, so you never know.

Patty November 15, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I’m so sorry things are not gonna be like you wanted them. I just can send you a big gigantic virtual hug and wish you all the best! Keep positive about how you will feel about your baby, I had my baby naturally and I went thru a horrible post-partum depression, that lasted like 5 months, I had a friend who had her baby on a c-section around the same time and she was the happiest momma! Just remember like you said a lot of healing is in our minds, so don’t predispone yourself to it! Positive thoughts love! If you cant have control on what your body does, you can have control over your mind! I keep my hopes high that when I have my second kid I won’t have PPD… Big hugs to you girl! XOXOXOXO

ArmyWife November 15, 2012 at 9:29 pm

The birth you want, and why you want it makes total sense to me. Sending powerful extra super duper labor dust to you and praying that if its not in the cards, that your experience afterward is different than last time.

Samantha W November 15, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I’m so sorry. I get it. Put into place whatever support you need for after birth-medication, post partum doula, extra family, 5 lbs of peanut m&m’s. Take care of yourself.

Candice November 15, 2012 at 9:31 pm

I’m so sorry. Sending you and B lots of love.

Emily November 15, 2012 at 9:31 pm

hugs mama. i had a csection after failed induction, and it was so hard, not only physically, but emotionally for months afterward. i will keep you in my thoughts, and know that your readers here are lifting you up and sending positive energy for you no matter what.

Heather November 15, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I fully respect how you must be feeling right now; and I don’t know if another perspective will help, but I’m going to give it a shot…For me, my birth experience was not exactly ideal. I was able to have a vaginal birth, but I’m petite and my son was ‘sunny-side-up,’ as they like to refer to it. I did choose an epideral, yet it stopped working; and I thought I would die from the pain. To add fury to the fire, my husband was not interested in seeing my ravioli explode (in his words), but he did the best that he could do…And after all of that, I was not excited at all when I first held my baby; I don’t understand why…But I loved him more than anything an hour later. I grappled with depression and baby GI issues as well while breastfeeding; total restrictive diet; which is when a friend introduced me to your blog (thank God; I needed it). So I guess my point is, that although our actual birth experiences were very different, the outcomes were somehow very similar. So stay strong, and let it be ok to feel disappointed if the VBAC doesn’t happen; Yoshi is a miracle no matter what…you will get through it!!! And you will have touching and hilarious stories to share; stories that are ALL yours, just like you do best :) Hang in there and best wishes!!!

carla November 16, 2012 at 3:35 am

I already commented above, but oh my god! This describes my experience exactly (well, except for the ravioli part. My husband was probably thinking it, though). The baby GI issues were traumatic, and I wish I was joking when I say that. From the outside, friends who had sections seemed to sail through the postpartum period, while I felt like a hot, sleepless, blubbering, unholy mess with a super swollen, messed-up vag who couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happier to have such a beautiful baby in front of me. I really wish I had read your blog before having a baby, because I was so naive and felt completely blindsided by the postpartum crazies, even though I felt like I had read every freaking baby book out there! Really, thank god for your blog and your writing.

Mindy November 15, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Not only do I respect what you are going through, I can relate to you completely. Your post brought me to tears and I’m heartbroken for you. Although you don’t understand religion, I know you’ll respect me when I say that I’ll be praying for you. It’s a devastating blow and I’m so sad for you.

Janet November 15, 2012 at 9:34 pm

http://kamisniche.blogspot.com/2011/11/each-is-beautiful.html

After the very traumatic birth of ,y daughter and my inability to breastfeed because of autoimmune diseases, a friend sent me a link to that post. I read it again and again, and cried. It helped me so much, when i was so devastated and feeling like a mom failure.

I am sending you every kind of hug and good thought and glitter and Britney Spears-vibes that i can think of. You are strong, and you will have a beautiful baby girl at the end of this experience. But, if you need to, go ahead and be angry right now.

Ash a lee November 15, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Sucks all around. But like others have said, I had the ugly cry and went into labor 2 days later. And if not, maybe it will relieve some of the guilt about ” tinkering” before g. Good luck!

Amanda November 15, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I was forced to have a c-section after 14 hours of labor (induced) because I wasn’t dilating. I was, and 14 months later still am, devastated. I just want to tell you that I GET IT. I don’t have much else to say except that I get it. And my heart goes out to you and I’ve followed your journey since your pregnancy with G and I know you’ll get through whatever life hands you.

Lumos November 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm

My prayers and thoughts are with you, Modg.

Jenn November 15, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I don’t want to tell my story to scare you (or anyone), but after what I went through, I’m so thankful to still be on this earth and be a mom to my girls and a wife to my wonderful husband. I had my 2nd daughter naturally, I did not have a complicated pregnancy and she was born happy and healthy. Exactly one week later, I had a stress-induced cardio myopathy, brought on by a hypertensive crisis. In English: my heart tried to stop working. Why? Because I’m an anxious person, I worry about everything and there’s nothing I want more in life than perfection. And guess what?! My daughter refused to nurse. My world was crashing down around me. Like you, and your want for natural birth, there was nothing more that I wanted for my children, than for them to be breastfed. My first daughter nursed fine, why wouldn’t my second? I read/watched everything on the internet, I had consults and phone calls w/the clinic, I talked to numerous lactation consultants. She wasn’t havin’ it! On the 7th night of her life, I was trying so, so, so hard. I went into our bedroom for some peace and quiet. I tried to snuggle with her, I tried to tune everything out and concentrate on her every move. She didn’t want it. I FREAKED. I absolutely lost it. I’ve never before, felt so close to the edge in my life. My hubby came in, we fought and argued, I threw a pillow at him, the door was slammed and I sat and cried with my baby that didn’t want me. At 2am that morning, I woke to what I call brain-pain. It wasn’t a headache, it wasn’t a migraine, it was my brain trying to squeeze itself out through my eyeballs. I instantly knew I needed to go to the ER. I had upper abdominal pain, I was vomiting, sensitivity to light and I knew this wasn’t normal. I was admitted to the hospital and spent 3 days there having every test you could ever imagine. Finally, my final test was an EKG that showed that a part of my heart wasn’t working, there was blood that wasn’t flowing (which explained the fluid on my lungs and the pain in my brain from swelling). A few days later they sent me to a Cardiologist who did an MRI of my heart. Luckily I didn’t have permanent damage so it can’t be considered an official “heart attack” but he told me I did this to myself. I got myself so incredibly worked up that I was able to shut my own heart down.

The moral of my story – I’ll always be me, I’ll always want things that are just out of my reach (i.e.: perfection), I’ll always stress. BUT I’ve started to listen to my husband more. He’s a glass-half-full guy and it used to make me crazy – but now… it keeps me alive. When the going gets tough and I start to freak, I realize that LIFE is out of my control. I can do as much worrying as I want and there are some things that I just cant change. And I’m so, so, so happy that I’m alive to have to deal with my imperfections and I’m even more happy to work with those imperfections. I had a baby that wouldn’t breastfeed so I gave myself an almost-heart attack over it – so what did I do? I pumped and pumped and pumped – like it was my JOB. And guess what?! This October, she turned one and she drank the last bag of frozen, stored breast milk on her birthday.

As stupid as it sounds – when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Because in my book, I’m just happy to be here to drink it, no matter how sour it is.

Veronique November 15, 2012 at 9:47 pm

So so sorry. This post brought me to tears. I had a natural birth (from induction) with both of my boys. I’m very thankful for that but I went through PPdepression after the first. I also have at least 2 people in my lives who had unplanned csections and did not go through the PPdepression. I really really want this to happen for you (And I will keep praying till Monday!) but just wanted to send a little hope for a positive outcome even if it doesn’t happen.

Brittney November 15, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I am SO sorry it’s not turning out the way you hoped. Sending you good vibes!

leslie November 15, 2012 at 9:49 pm

thank you for putting in the hard work of writing this; it is beautiful and real. sitting here thinking of you and here is what I am hoping for you: (first, of course, that you go into labor and get the birth you have dreamed of.) but failing that: that you go to your c-section calm, rested, relaxed, prepared. that the environment is soothing and stress-free. that you are ready and alert. that when you look at your baby girl’s face for the first time you feel nothing but love and joy. that in this experience, you find healing from the trauma of your first c-section; that although you may look back and regret not getting what you hoped for, that you will be thankful for what you did get to experience and for how it shaped you.
GOOD LUCK, I can’t wait to see a picture of your adorable daughter!

S. Calvin November 15, 2012 at 9:49 pm

MODG
I never leave comments, but I know you can use all the positive thoughts in the world at the moment. I have two little monsters and neither time did my birth plan go the way i wanted. I wont bore you with the details, I struggle with PTSD and a host of other issues to boot. I get the pain and sadness and I’d give you a hug if i could. Things will be ok, you have a great support network of people who love you and you are ahead of the curve knowing to be worried about the postpartum depression. I have faith you’ll be ok, and i’m not one to have faith in much. My only smidgen of advice is to try and enjoy the weekend, take the walks and eat the pineapple (i really wanted to do that one, stupid gestational diabetes) and whichever natural inducement ideas look fun, cause you can.

Kai November 15, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I’m a long time reader, but like many others I’ve been moved to comment for the first time because of this post.

If anyone dares to judge you for mourning the birth you wished for (which may still happen – sending you hugs, glitter, sparkles, unicorn and hippy good vibes your way!!) please feel free to boot them onto a plane to Australia where I’ll proceed to give them the arse-kicking they so richly deserve.

Stephanie November 15, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I feel ya. I’ve had two c-sections. I pushed for a solid 3 hours with my first because I wouldn’t give it up. I was so determined that he was going to come out like he was supposed to! Alas, the cards were not in my favor. But, at least they were in his. I’m thankful everyday that there was still a safe way for him to come out of me and into this world. My first was too large to fit through my pelvis, and had some trauma to his head from the ordeal, so the second was a c-section as well. My water broke with my first and I actually went into labor, but not at all with the second, and I did suffer from postpardum depression the second time around. I still mourn the loss of a vag birth experience. I wanted my slippery gooey baby plopped on my tummy while I watched the cord get cut, etc etc etc. I get you, it’s a definite loss. And it gets better. My babies are 3 and 1 and every day with them is so beautiful that I care less and less how they got here. They came fully cooked, without major medical problems, and continue to blossom each day. I gave it my all within the limitations of my body. I carried them to term, did what I could to get them out safely, and nourished them with my milk. Hang in there…and cry when necessary…it’s a great release.

Megan November 15, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I had an unplanned c-section with my first daughter and I felt exactly how you described in your post. I didn’t feel like I did anything to bring the baby into the world, nor did I really feel like this was even my baby until a few days later. I almost felt like I couldn’t even tell people ‘I just had a baby’ because I felt like I didn’t even deserve the credit since I laid there while doctors cut me open. So don’t let anyone make you feel like you are crazy, being too hormonal, or don’t have a right to feel how you do. Every woman who wants to should be able to experience birth how her body was made to do it. It isn’t fair that you might not get that for a second time in a row, so cry and be mad and don’t let anyone tell you that you should feel differently! I hope YoShe decides to get with the program :)

Nancy November 15, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I’m very sorry things aren’t looking so bright, I really hope baby decides to show on her own, and I also know that you just want what every pg women wants the most a healthy baby, I also had a c- sec and I would hate to do it again I really would, but and I’m not judging, I can’t ever understand how for some women it seems like they have “just” been handed a baby I didn’t get to see my baby immediately after they got him out but I got to hear his first cry and thats pretty special i guess what im trying to say is try to find something good anything and when your in the OR just hold on to that thought and when u feel all that tugging and pulling in your mind tell her you love her and can’t wait to meet. I think you do great either way bc now your some what prepared good luck and best wishes!

Betsy November 15, 2012 at 9:56 pm

My heart breaks for you. I have not been in your exact situation but I can only imagine how crushing it must feel. I too had crazy postpartum depression after my first baby was born. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to about her. I recently had my second child (she will be 2 weeks old tomorrow) and although this birth experience was very different from my first, they were both natural births and similar in that sense. I am so happy to say that this time things feel right. I’m happy and feel the bond with my baby that Im supposed to. I don’t say all this to rub it in your face. I hope it can be a ray of hope for you. You have changed and grown and learned things since you had G. And so just because you may have to have another c-section it doesn’t mean you will have the depression too. Things are different and hopefully that won’t happen to you again. And even if it does, as much as it absolutely sucks, you’ll have been there before and will know how to cope with it. No matter what happens, you will get through it. You are an amazing woman and I know you will be the best, most loving mom to G and YoSHE regardless of what happens. And that’s what will matter to them. You got this girl.

Marion November 15, 2012 at 9:56 pm

My vagina aches for you. I think you’re doing an insanely awesome job of trying to find some peace and holding onto hope. *If and only if* this won’t disrupt the peace findings, 1) spinningbabies.com if you haven’t done that already, yes it’s for turning babies, but it’s for getting them in the right position so you can go into labor; 2) hippify your c-section, ask for your doula and B (and your photographer if you have one) to be there, have your doula help with nursing immediately after the surgery while still in the OR, immediate skin-to-skin, that sorta thing; and 3) what would happen if you just said no and waited a little longer? Lots of hugs. It will all be over soon, and you will get thru it.

Jasmine November 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm

MODG
I am so sorry that things are not happening the way you wanted, that does stink. You are amazing, I do not know of many woman that presented with this type of set back try and turn it into something positive for other people. I have been reading your blog for a long time and while your insanely funny posts and humor kept me coming back, your real posts about post partin depression, struggles with a fussy baby and high maintenance baby have sealed my loyalty to you. You are the real deal, your truthful about your feeling and experiences when most people would want to hide from the world. You are a fighter and you get back up keep fighting and sharing your experiences so other people can benefit from it. That is what makes you awesome in my book. I hope that however Yoshe makes her debut that its a better experience for you. We are all rooting for you!!

Jasmine November 15, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Sorry for the many typos and mis-spellings. Clearly auto correct is not my friend!

Kate November 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm

The 20% of religion that I understand tells me that at least one of the “interventions” you should try between now and Monday (and beyond as you fear the worst from post-partum) is prayer to whatever God you may believe in. And, sometimes, they tell me, God’s answer to your prayers is “no.” He knows what He’s doing even when we don’t get it or like it.

I will be keeping you in my prayers which often just go something like this: “Make me a channel of your peace. Amen.” Tame, but effective.

Good luck, mamma.

dara November 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm

i’m sendingtons of hugs and kisses and positive vibes your way. i’m so sorry you have to go through this, and can only say that while i’m not in your shoes and don’t know how you feel, i admire and respect and am enlightened by your experience. i so hope that you experience the birth you have always hoped for, and that if you don’t you find some peace and comfort in the experience you do have. xoxo

Morgan November 15, 2012 at 10:00 pm

MODG – this is such a bummer, there is nothing worse than realizing a dream wont come true. Sending lots of hugs & positive energy.

When i was pregnant I always my believed my body would know what to do. After 12 hours of labor, not progressing past 4cm and the baby having heart rate drops my dr was prepared to let me continue. However i decided that my body was telling me that he was not coming out the way I felt in control that I was having a C-section on my terms. Thinking about another baby has had me very worried, I’ve felt like I won’t have a similar experience of letting my body stay in control. However reading your blog these past few months has made me realize that will be possible – I can try for a VBAC (which similar to you is my hippy dream), yet similar to my first my body might tell me that it just isn’t going to happen. So although I may not be able to have my dream birth, I can stay in charge. Your experience has helped me realize I’m not broken – my body’s #1 job is to keep me and baby alive & well. Thank you for giving me hope – even as yours fades. Sending you love, health, positive energy and hope xoxo

Chanice November 15, 2012 at 10:04 pm

You can and will do it! Be thankful!

Chris November 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm

That blows balls. I’m so sorry. This post is so poignant and will help so many parents respect one another and all their choices. Well done mama. Thank you for always being so honest with us. It makes me feel so lucky to live in a time where we can all reach each other in this type of forum. Now go eat some spicy ass food.

Sherrie November 15, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I’m so sorry for your loss. As I read this, I thought, I wrote this. These are exactly the things that I have felt, hell, still feel almost three years after baby number two. I’m sorry your hopes are dashed. I am glad you have a support system in place. I found attending ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) meetings helpful. Surely there is a local chapter near you. I think you’ve got a doula too. Keep her. My doula was so incredibly helpful even though it was clear there was not going to be a vbac. Hugs. Thank you for voicing this because you are right, some never really get why it is important to others.

Lindsey November 15, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I am a new follower (only in the last few weeks), but I feel so connected to you through your honest posts. I so appreciate your willingness to talk about your experience. We cannot know the paths we have each longed for without communication. The desire and heartbreak you are feeling cannot be fully understood unless someone has had the same dreams you have – I am one of those people. I can only send you positive thoughts and keep you in my heart for the next few days. I will hope for you. I will dream for you. I want you to have this experience. Be strong and know that you have a support system in all of your readers.

michelle November 15, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Amanda,

You are amazing and strong. I know, because I know you. For reals. You got through all of the trials and tribulations of G’s birth and early life and came out the other side. With a great baby, great partner, and great wisdom. You have tons of people supporting you, online and for reals. And you can handle whatever is coming your way. I am sending you tons of great thoughts and positive energy. And I hope you get exactly what you’re dreaming of.

Tons of X’s and O’s.
Trap

Jessica November 15, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Aw Amanda, this is such difficult news and I am truly so sad for you. As a labor and delivery nurse I’ve really loved reading your blog and thinking, “Yes!! Yes!! She’s doing everything right!” and really have just been so excited for you and hopeful for you guys. I’m sorry this is where your journey is going. I’m really glad your midwife said something now and didn’t give you false hope-you don’t deserve that kind of let down. One of my favorite doctors said something to this patient I was taking care of and it really stuck with me. She was a TOLAC, and she was doing her damnedest and stopped progressing. Then her baby stopped liking labor. And we tried everything, if I could’ve, I would’ve stood her on her head to get her more time and progress, but it wasn’t meant to be; this doc sat on her bed and said to the patient, “Look, we’re going to mourn this moment. This moment sucks. I’m sorry this is not the way we wanted.” She didn’t give her any platitudes or trite bullshit, she just acknowledged the situation and her pain. So…We’re going to mourn this moment. This moment sucks, and you have done everything short of moving mountains. I’m really proud of you and the work your body has already done.

I also had postpartum after the birth of my daughter. It is heartwrenching to hear, but you’ve put words to things that I could only associate feelings. Thank you for being a voice. I hated feeling so out of control, and I hated how disassociated I felt on medication. Will you encapsulate again? Did it work for you?

All my best wishes and prayers for you, B, G man, and Baby Yoshe!

J November 15, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I’ve been following you since the answer was just Martinis, so when you announced your sparkle princess pregnancy this spring I geeked out that all my super fan club dreams had finally come true because I would get to follow and laugh and be secret BFFs with you while I was pregnant too. My own little sparkle baby is due any day, and when I read your post my heart broke. You put into perfect beautiful words exactly where I have been the past few days too, and it pissed me off for the both of us that we were sharing this instead of hilarity about butt nuts or something. Unless something magical changes, I’m staring down the barrel of medical intervention this Monday too. We had to use a fertility specialist to get this baby and the pregnancy has been very bumpy, so all I wanted in the end was for my body to do one thing “naturally” on its own. Maybe so I could feel normal, or maybe so I could finally feel like I was in control of my body, but whatever the reason, it’s nothing you can make someone else appreciate or understand. I wanted to wake my husband up and see him frantically throw our crap in the car in the middle of the night and then work me through the most awful pain ever and then cry with him when our slimy little thing finally got placed on my chest. Some how some way both our baby girls will be here by Monday. And I won’t say all those positive things we both know deep down but aren’t ready to hear yet, I’ll just tell you I understand and I’m so so sorry.

Mrs. Plank November 15, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I do want to say how amazed I am at the stories here. There is so much power in what we’ve ALL been through. Your blog is a great place to come and share. That is huge. Women are pouring their hearts out here. And you have poured your heart out again and again and when I read your words I feel like you’re one of my girlfriends. I know you are not religious at all and that is fine (not judging ;), but maybe this is a time to pray for your daughter. Take time and acknowledge that we aren’t in control, even though we try so hard to be. I know that’s so real for you right now. But send an honest, heartfelt prayer to God for your baby girl to come to you in the perfect way that He intended. I will pray for you. Its the best I can do. I don’t have any words to make it any better. Just know that things will be different in many ways this second time around. You are a seasoned pro with the maturity to recognize when things aren’t right with yourself or your child. I think after this child is in your arms it WILL be different this time. At least I’m going to pray for you that they are. Love to you and your family!

Andi November 15, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Hugs, peace, glitter, and sparkly unicorns to you….lots and lots of peace.

Jenn November 15, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Love. Just sending you love from a stranger and a mother who hopes that you can have everything you want, but that if you can’t, it will have been what it needed to be and that you heal, in all ways, as quickly as possible. Love love love…

Nichole November 15, 2012 at 10:21 pm

I can tell you how we are soulmates later but for now I’ll just say I’m sorry. That baby is wise & has secrets & even though as parents we hope for one thing for ourselves & them, they often have their own plans. I get it. I really do. I had a c-section with my 1st that was almost exactly your story, except my son was born with sepsis, & then we had all the same allergy issues! It was devastating to me & I am terrified to have another one because of the vbac + c section horrors. Whatever you do, you’ll do great & so will Yoshi. It’s so hard to trust in the bounty of the universe. And thank god the universe makes smart midwives & doctors & bloggers & blog readers in these hard times. You aren’t alone & we’ll each take a little of your sadness for you so you can feel strong going into the next few days. All my love & vag glitter sparkles.

Alison November 15, 2012 at 10:26 pm

I discovered I was pregnant one month after my husband deployed for a year. I was devastated he would miss me being pregnant and so jealous of all the girls that had their husbands with them in our birthing class. I told myself that it would all be OK because he requested his mid-tour leave at exactly the right time to be there for our daughter’s birth.
I read books and took classes…he would come off the plane and the photographer I hired would not only catch his homecoming but also him seeing me pregnant for the first time. I would go into labor and he would coach me through- I might yell and scream but at the end we would be snuggled together with our daughter at my breast.
I was diagnosed with pre-e and induced at 37 weeks. I frantically tried to reach him in Kuwait on his way home but to no avail. The magnesium made me loopy and I remember very little besides my epidural failing on one side. He discovered our daughter was born through a text message that magically went through to his phone. I say this not as a sob story but to say that I understand the mourning process. People that say “you had a healthy baby at the end!” might be right but I want to punch them in the throat. It’s your own journey that you will
Have to work through but you’re not totally alone. There are women out there that understand and won’t try to tell you it’s all Ok when at the time it’s very much not. I wish you and your family the best.

Sarah November 15, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Oh Modgy I’m sorry. Sending you so many happy hippie yoga vibes for a cervical miracle by Monday! Internet hugs either way. xoxoxo.

andrea November 15, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I’ve read this twice now, and my heart breaks for you, and I am one who doesn’t “understand” because I have no children, I do how ever empathize with you, and I hurt with you and for you, and I know you didn’t ask for advice, and I really can’t give you any, but I will tell you this, because I have dealt with this a lot lately:

Things might not go as planned, you might not get the delivery you so wished for, you might be PPD again, and it might be awful, but, in the end you WILL get through it. YOU will be happy again. you WILL have two darling babies who you eventually will bond whole heartedly with. It might take time, but you will get there. Recently I have had to do some things that I didn’t want to go through, things that have thrown my life of course and made it harder than I want it to be, but each of those things I have found that I worried about TOO much. I guess in a way I psyched myself out…..because I got through it, and I came out feeling proud of myself.
If you can’t have a VBAC birth and you feel crummy about your body, be proud that you can carry a baby, you gave yoshe 9 months of perfect mommy cocoon, you gave your body months of boring food so G could nurse, and you will give both of those babies years of happy childhoods, and thats pretty kick ass.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Christopher Robin, because its my favorite:

“Always remember you are braver than you believe
Stronger than you seem
and smarter than you think”
I’ll be thinking about you all weekend. Keep your head up!

Liz November 15, 2012 at 10:35 pm

((((((((MOGD and Yoshe))))))))
(gentle hugs to you both)

Kelly P November 15, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I am sorry for your loss. Your loss of hope and your possible loss of a natural delivery. I have never clapped eyes on you and yet my soul cries out an echo of your pain. No, not because I was dealt the same hand, though I did have 2 c-sections and PPD after my first, but that isn’t what this message is about. It is about me getting your message and receiving it not just in my brain, but in my heart. I will muster up all my hope for you and hope that somewhere in this universe the prayers of a heathen stranger count for something. I love you, MODG, and I wish I could make it all better for you.

Mo November 15, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I don’t have anything terribly poignant to say, but did want to let you know this: I completely understand. I’ve walked a similar path. I’ve thought of you as a distant friend (creepy?) in many ways because I can relate to many of your experiences. Tonight, as I’m painting my son’s room, I found my thoughts going in your direction, wondering if Yoshe had arrived. So, I had to check the blog. And now here I am sitting in the middle of a dusty, half-painted room shedding a tear. I get it. I will continue to send positive thoughts and well wishes your way.

Jamie Lincoln November 15, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but this touched me and made me hurt for you. I hope that somehow you can find beauty in both of your births and that you don’t suffer with the same PPD that you did last time. You never quite know where this journey of motherhood will take you and this is just part of your journey – it DOES NOT make it any less beautiful or meaningful. I wish you all the best over the weekend and on Monday if that’s where this leads.

Desiree November 15, 2012 at 10:41 pm

I’m so sorry dude. This sucks balls.

Like you need any more ass-vice, but feel these feelings. Go through them because avoiding them and trying to put on a happy face just makes it worse. Cry, curse, scream, let it all out, and then breathe. Then breathe again. You are here in this place and you’re having this experience because it’s the experience you’re supposed to have.

I wanted everything all natural, but my body likes to kill babies (my immune system treats babies like foreign objects and attacks them) so I had to get induced to get her out before my body realized that it was being tricked into hosting her. My husband wanted to keep trying for a natural induction with spicy food, sex, lemons, cinnamon and every other stupid thing out there because he knew how badly I wanted this. But the few days before I was to go in, I found that all I wanted was to just breathe. I wanted to make peace in my mind so that I could be in the best space to welcome my daughter to the world. Of course, that was after the all. the. crying because I felt like I was so broken and such a failure.

So mourn and then breathe so that the space your daughter will soon occupy is nice and clean and aired out.

Take care of you.

Leigh November 15, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Even though you might have a scheduled c, it is still a natural birth, it is just not a vaginal birth. The term “natural” is so loaded; some natural births don’t progress and kill or permanently injure women or babies who don’t have access to medical interventions. Others just tear the absolute hell out of us. You, especially you, are moving with your body along its and Yoshe’s journey, which may require assistance on Monday if things don’t change over the weekend. This is organic, this is your path as of now. You and your body have done everything together within your power. Be proud of you, even as you mourn your loss. I am so sorry this is not working out as planned and desired. I wish so much for no PPD. You are an amazing person, MODG. Your honesty brings women together. Good health and luck to you!

Jen November 15, 2012 at 10:44 pm

You are a strong woman MODG. Sending you love from one Mom to another

Natalie November 15, 2012 at 10:48 pm

After reading this post I want to applaud you. I want to hug you. I want to hand you more Kleenex and wipe away all of your tears and snot and hug you some more. I have been following your blog for quite a while and many times I have laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face and it got me through some stuff in my first trimester. I’m about 14 weeks now and have tears streaming down my face again, but because I am grieving this with you, for you. You are so open and vulnerable and strong all at the same time and I’m so grateful that you share it with us. Not judging you and certainly not thinking you have a single thing to apologize for. When bad things happen to me or things don’t happen the way I want my mom always says, “Everything happens for a reason” and a couple of times I’ve wanted to punch her for saying it, but it always seemed to work out ok. Soon you’ll get to hold your baby and I am sending all of the love, light, juju and mojo I can muster that all goes well and that your post pregnancy is good too.

Heather Drageset November 15, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I’m a long time reader and a first time commenter. I
Totally relate to every ounce of your pain and frustration. My first child (Finn now 7) was born emergency c-section at 31 weeks, spent 28 days in the NICU. I wanted a natural birth. I was beyond happy that he was safe but mourned the birth I wanted. After a few second opinions I was told I was not a good candidate for a VBAC…I mourned again. I felt my body failed me. I would receive all thuse yummy bonding hormones that I so longed for. When my baby girl Imogen was born safely by c-section, once recovered the nurses told me that I was SO lucky. She had her cord tied in a knot. Had I tried to deliver vaginally we may have lost her. I cried as I held her in my arms again mourning her surgical birth but SO beyond happy she was safe. I still suffered post partum but everyday I am grateful she is here. From all I’ve read of your blog I feel that we are similar in our approach to parenting. Attachment parenting, long term nursing, co-sleeping. Point is, sometimes blessing are in disguise. I’ll be sending you light and thinking good thoughts for you mama.

Steph November 15, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Amanda,
I am so sorry about this news. Monday is three days away, something magical could happen. Also, if you have a c-section on Monday please know that is how the Universe wants it. Either way will be absolutely perfect. You are such a wonderful mom, woman, wife, being and soul! Keep your head up and your heart center shining.

From my hippie heart to yours,
Steph

amy November 15, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Firts I want to say you are a rockstar for even wanting so badly to have a VBAC after such a difficult labor the first time. I was in labor for 5 days, cervadil and pitocin for 3 and a half of them only to end up having a c-section. Seems as though a 5 foot momma with a 6’5″ daddy make for a long baby at 24″ and my baby wasn’t in the position to ever come out on her own. I was so scared to get pregnant again, thinking I would have to relive that experience. I opted for an ‘elective’ c-section, luckily, because I had another long baby.
As a nurse that works in OB I’d like to say that you would be the dream patient, I am sure you would give it 100% given the opportunity to do so. I cross my fingers for you that you will get that chance. If it’s not your little darlings will, I cross my fingers that she comes out and you feel the instant bond that you want!! You are brave and strong and have come so far with G…………..Good luck and sorry you are going through this.
Can’t wait to see photo’s of your little amazing daughter~~no matter how she makes her grand entrance.
Beautiful post, wish I could “like” it :) take care and can’t wait for the next post!!

karin rowe November 15, 2012 at 10:57 pm

well, that sucks whale cock. i’m really sad for you.

but, i’m also really happy that you have your family and a team that are going to get your sweet little girl to you by whatever means necessary and you will get to meet her so soon. what a gift!

i’m sad with you for sure, but i’m also really excited for you to start your adventure with her!

tara November 15, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Oh MODG! I’m so so so sorry for you! I get it-I mean, I’ve never had a baby, but I get that feeling of planning something and not having it work out and people don’t understand.

I wanted to finish a marathon in a certain amount of time, but in my head I imagined I’d be faster. So when I finished with the time I “wanted” I was super disappointed. And everyone was like “but you did your goal” and I’m like no I didn’t. Which seems parallel to this (although yours is way more important) that you want a healthy baby, obviously. But what you REALLY want is to let nature do its thing, and you’re frustrated that it’s being taken away. I totally get it. And I’m so sorry.

I really really hope that you go into labor on Saturday (or earlier, whatever) and that you get to have a VBAC. And you are so brave for telling everyone how you feel and I think that it is really important for all of us to consider other people’s feelings. Just because you might not want to do it my way doesn’t mean that my way isn’t important to ME and vice versa.

I’m sending you puffy pink hearts and good thoughts. And know that all of us at MODGdom will be here to help you through anything: we can be a shoulder, a resource, a friend, a listener, whatever. We are all here for you and you are so amazing for creating such a unique network of people who all care about each other even though we’ve never met.

Lisa November 15, 2012 at 10:59 pm

I get it. I felt the same way after my cs with my first kid. I had an hbac with my second, and had health problems with my third that made me unsuitable for another hbac and so I had a planned rcs. And I cried for almost 9 months knowing I was going to have the planned rcs. I cried all the way through that cs.

I’m sorry this isn’t working out the way you had hoped. If you were looking into vbac, you probably already know about the International Cesearean Awareness Network, but if you don’t, its worth looking into–its a great support group, and everyone in it understands how you feel. There’s also a website called Solace For Mothers that is a similar support group (its a broader, traumatic birth support group, not just c/s).

Crossing my fingers for you. Hugs.

Meredith November 15, 2012 at 11:00 pm

One word of encouragement about a failed vbac – (failed vbac, PROM, 5 weeks premature) – I knew the c-section was scary, I had been there done that and I kept telling myself that. I also told myself – this was it – last time I’d ever have to do this. I’d never be on this table again and i wanted to do it better this time. Make the decision to have a good c-section. Really get in the zone for the c-section, once you know you have to do it. Mentally attack it. You know this! You already did this.
It was like when I sat for the Bar the second time, I kept staring up at the bright lights in the auditorium thinking, I’ll never be here again. Just breathe. Except not like that because I failed again! Fuck! C-sections and the bar exam can kiss my ass.

You can do it. Whatever hand is dealt to you.

Anna November 15, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I completely understand why women mourn the loss of experiencing birth and/or breastfeeding. They are exceptional things to go through and I believe there is a deep desire (well, in most women, not necessarily all) to experience them. It isn’t helped by them being told to ‘just be grateful for having a healthy baby’ – that is a completely different issue.

Thinking of you and your family and hoping for the best outcome – in whatever experience you have.

Meg November 15, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Amanda, you’re so right, I can’t understand this kind of mourning and pain. I can only imagine what it must feel like and my imagination makes it unbearable. So all I can say is I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. And that I hope your ppd isn’t as bad this time around. But no matter what happens in the end you’re the best mother that yoshe could ask for because you’re making the tough decisions to get her out safe. If I could take away some of the pain you’re feeling, honestly I would. Eagerly anticipating the birth of your lovely baby girl! ~meg

Lydia November 15, 2012 at 11:05 pm

You are going to have healthy baby after birth. THAT IS A “natural birth”. It’s ok, you’re ok. As long as you get that beautiful healthy baby in your arms you will be fine.

Salli November 15, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Waaaaaaaaaah!!! This was exactly me a month ago!
1stly, Im totally a hippy and would rather explore every method of healing before turning to conventional medicine.
I was SO angry at my Doctors, i had to fight so hard to get them to give me a wk over my due date, they were so doom and gloom telling me all the ways i could die if I didn’t do what they told me to!! I finally caved though and consented to a repeat c-section at 41 wks.
I tried EVERYTHING to get my lil dude to come naturally but to no avail, I ended up at the hospital on Fri 19th Oct getting prepped for a c-section. But i was completely losing it. See right up to the HOUR before we left to go to hospital I was convinced I was going to go into labour and have baby on the bathroom floor. I WAS SO ZEN!!!!!! waaaaaaaaaah
The midwives saw how much i was freaking and told me quietly (so the Dr’s couldn’t hear) that i could refuse, go home and have the weekend and come back on monday for a c-section if nothing happened, and that no-one could do anything to me without my consent, ( although she admitted that if I did do that I would have to have a big consult with the doctors and admin etc) but I was already so broken from fighting them for the last few months and had cried so much about having the c section on the friday that I couldn’t bear the thought of going home and coming back to go through it all again on Monday. I just wanted my baby to come out my Vag dammit!!!!! So I had the cesar. And even though it was better than the last one, because i got to hold him straight away and they did wait for his cord to stop pulsing, yada yada it still felt totally unnatural.

4 Fridays later and Im sitting here reading this, holding my lil dude, who is gorgeous and perfect of course, any HOLY CRAP how did i forget newborns smell SO AMAZING!!! but omfg, in hindsight, if I could do it again, I’d totally tell them to get fucked and I would’ve waited longer. Yeah go badass future me. But I wasn’t capable of that then. Doh.
Im still adamant that our bodies are awesome and are capable of way more than most doctors like to give them credit for. And I totally could’ve birthed him naturally. What helped me to regain sanity during the c-section and since then was the thought that yes, it IS my body and yes, it was MY decision to go through with the c-section and i’m still his mother and I still gave birth to him. Presents are Delivered, Babies are born.
Thanks so much for letting me have a chance to get that off my chest phew!!!
*GIANT HUGS* to you Modg, you wonderful, brave, clever woman!! I’m so excited to hear how it all goes and see your beautiful girl and your new family of 4.

Another Amanda... November 15, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Amanda,
I’m an avid reader, to the point that I feel like we’re great friends even though I never comment. I continually find myself referencing you in conversations (i.e. MODG said this… and MODG did that) so much that my friends know what the hell I am talking about. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that we have the same name. OK, now that I feel like a total creeper, I’ll get to my point. Please (PLEASE!) don’t feel like you are broken or like your body isn’t functioning the way it was intended to. I get it. My entire life I wanted to be a mother. I’m a freaking Child Development major. I minored in Family Studies. I worked at a daycare for 6 years before heading to college. I am known as “Auntie” to children who are not even the slightest bit related to me. So, as I fail a pregnancy test for the 12th month in a row, after ovulation calendars and tests, basal body temp tracking, and standing on my head after having more sex than any respectable woman should… I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. I’m not talking religion, as I’m not the church going type. But I have to believe in something. I want you to know that I look up to you and your strength and your ability to share freely while internally I deal with my own feelings of inadequacy. I know how hard it must be to put yourself out there and I really respect that. I know how it feels to be judged, as people don’t find it inappropriate to ask “when are you going to get pregnant” on a daily basis. I deal with my husband not understanding why I cry every month while dealing with the sick joke of a monster period that just further punishes me for not functioning like a woman should. I understand. I get you. And I am truly sorry. I wish the best for you and B and G.

Shannon November 15, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Modg,
I am a 3yr+ reader and first time commenter. I have been (scarily almost exactly) in your shoes. I had an “emerg c” with my first 6.5 yrs ago (10 days late, did not dilate past 6cm with an OB). I had 3 losses and an IUI to have my 2nd… Switched to a midwife at 20 wks when I realized for sure that my OB was not so on board with my VBAC (ie would not let me go overdue, etc). I took 2 wks off work before my 2nd’s due date to do full-time chiro (Webster technique), accupuncture, massage, etc… I had 3 days of pre-labour during which I was approx 4 cm dilated. I never dilated past that amount. Although I was in ‘transition type’ labour for hours. My 2nd was born via “emergency c-section” about 8 hrs after earnest labour had begun (with midwives by my side explaining this was the best safest thing to do – baby had been experiencing some distress); we did it (I cried ALOT first) and then there she was, my baby girl… Not breathing… For 2 minutes… She had swallowed meconium and had to be swabbed and then brought to the NICU for about an hour. Yes i mourned the loss of my (likely last) chance at vaginal birth big time – and Im SO glad i had some time at he hospital to full-on SOB about it; in the end, especially after the not-breathing episode, and thinking my efforts for a VBAC might have possibly helped lead to that – it truly is the healthy baby you’ve been blessed with – no matter how she arrives – that matters. Period. I knew I’d done everything I could to prepare for a VBAC (alt health, doula with very high VBAC rate, midwives) yet it was not the way this birth was meant to happen. She was born the way she needed to be born… And all was well. Somehow, all was wonderful.

Megan November 15, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I have a very long story for you, and started to write it, but you’ve read so many. The important thing is that you know so many hearts and prayers are with you, and will be — your story is yet to be written, and the story that unfolds for you and this baby is unique to you. Trust in that — every day, every hour, go back to the fact that this is your unique story and there IS a reason for your path. Three months post crazy emergency c-section, my journey makes for some interesting stories we laugh about now — while the bundled angel in my arms, the one who got here in her own unique, dramatic way, beautifully blurs the lines of what could have been and what should have been.

Ashley November 15, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I am so sorry, Amanda. I stopped giving advice to my pregnant friends some time ago when I came to the realization that all a pregnant woman wants is for someone to listen. I have no advice. I wont repeat what has already been said here because its been said so well by so many already but I WILL tell you the ONE thing I remember when I was struggling with my first pregnancy, desperate and miserable and completely “over it”. A co-worker of all people, told me that despite the uncomfortable misery and anxiety of being on the edge of birth, even if it meant laying in bed all day, to do my best to “be WITH my son”. Because for now, for this very very short period in our lives, he was ALL MINE. He was perfect, beautiful & everything I was imagining he would grow to be. I didnt have to share him with a soul. My husband could feel his kicks and my pain but only the two of us would have that bond. Only I KNEW him, breathed life into him, felt his first movements in this world. From his birth and through the rest of his life, I would have to share him with another, and another and another. He would fight his way out of my arms and away from me as he became more independent with each passing day but TODAY…These were the last days that I didnt have to share him with the world. It really brought me some peace and I think back on those last days of pregnancy often. Everything changed after that but for a time, he only had me and I didnt have to share him with anyone. :-) I pray that you’ll find a little peace and allow yourself to look forward to meeting your beautiful baby girl while enjoying the last few days that you have her all to yourself. We cant wait to “meet” her and we’re all standing with you.

rsc November 16, 2012 at 8:53 am

Ashley, that is such good advice. And a good reminder to me to be present with the little one in my belly. I spoke to my son all the time, and rubbed my tummy and felt such a connection to him. With this second pregnancy I am so busy running around with a toddler that I haven’t made the time to have that connection with my daughter. That bond, and those months where it’s just the 2 of you are so special.

Ashley November 16, 2012 at 11:10 am

I know exactly what you mean, rsc! With my second, I didnt even feel pregnant half the time! My head was so consumed with work, adjusting, getting “ready”, etc. I really wish that I had taken this same advice to heart with my second, too. Most of the time I just felt like I was “going through the motions”. Its the ONE piece of advice that I remember and that I can apply still to this day. Even though my boys are a little older now, I still try to remind myself that although I have to share them with the world now, their world is still so small and my husband and I are “IT” for them. I find myself going through the motions of everyday life now and sometimes I need to stop and just enjoy the little things, the story times, the conversations in the car on the way to school, etc. One day, there will be no more daily car rides or bedtime stories. One day they’ll be kissing someone else before bedtime and I’ll long for the days that I didnt have to share them with another woman, lol.

Laura B November 15, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Girl, your gonna rock that C-sect like no otha’! :) I totally feel ya though.. I went in for my 37wk, check up, with a new Midwife (bc my previous midwife I had, had to leave for a family emergency).. so there I was with this new lady, I had no idea how her personality was, or how serious she was (sidenote–my original widwife was seriously THE BOMB DOT COM! <3 her!) Anyhow… events in a nutshell…midwife did a sonogram…. awkward moment of silence…. me asking, "is something wrong?"…. her response.. "wellllllllllll…….you have less than 5mL of amniotic fluid, you need to go upstairs to L&D, your having that baby tonight!" ………….. me-"Uhmm excuse me? Oh no… Im not ready for all that. My momma isnt here!" (LOL!)…….so there I was being admitted at 7pm, I was trying to play it off like no big deal, but there I was telling that anesthesiology I weighed 125, as he raised his brow.. and my husband threw the "deuce" up LOL (meaning 225lbs) HAHA! I tried to play it cool.. but I was a nervous wreck… but after it was all said and done.. I had a perfect lil 7.4 lb baby girl, calling all my family at like 2am at this point, spreading the news! I love my crazy story… it does define us and make us all unique! Id do it again! :)
SO, chin up buttercup!! :)
You'll do great!!
And I KNOW! you have an awesome online family of support.. we are all here for ya girl! Dont let PPD get to ya! MOMMIES UNITE! heehee
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, and your new addition! Cant wait for pix!

vicki November 15, 2012 at 11:29 pm

i, too, wanted a natural birth more than anything. i was ready for the pain, i was ready for anything, except the c-section that i ended up with 52 hours later. it’s been 2 months and i can now read happy, easy birth stories without crying…usually. i felt so robbed and so disappointed but it is true, that in the end, here he is, a beautiful baby that my body made. just as yours has. sending love and happiness your way. can’t wait to “meet” yoshi! xo

Elizabeth Gonzalez November 15, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I applaud you for being strong enough to be honest ALL of the time but especially about this particular post. I think there are more people, then we think, out there that have these same feelings but don’t express them. Your feelings are completely valid and I, just one little reader, support and empathize with you. You’re always inspiring to me, and I wish you only the best of luck delivering that baby, however she’s supposed to come!

erinisabel November 15, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I read this at the dinner table and started crying. I get this, I get you, 100%. I had a very similar experience as you had with G & the ppd, and throughout your pregnancy with YoShe I have crossed my fingers, arms, toes and eyes for you to have the dream birth you (and I and many, many others) have always wanted, and it can’t be so. My heart is breaking for you. Yes, you will have a happy and healthy baby girl in the end, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fucking hard and fucking awful and also a fucking fantastic thing. We are your cheerleaders, and we’re all thinking of you and and your family. Know that you are great, you are powerful and you fucking created this life and YOU are bringing her into the world.

Brooke November 15, 2012 at 11:39 pm

So someone may have mentioned this already, but there are 174 comments and there is no way I’m able to wade through all those before leaving my own ;) Since you sound into homeopathy and natural methods, have you considered acupuncture to stimulate labor? I have some friends that swear by it. Maybe it would help give your body that last extra nudge to start the labor process and get that VBAC you so desire! And if not, my mom also had 2 c-sections and we didn’t turn out to be social vagabonds or anything. I hate that you have to feel like a failure. I kind of relate, as I had to be induced in order to kick start birth. It wasn’t magical and wonderful and there were no unicorns to be seen. But I got my baby girl and it was all worth it. Best of luck to you!

Laura November 15, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Thank you for this post! I totally get the “non judging” aspect cause it seems like that’s what we like to do as mothers. If you breastfeed people judge you for whipping out a boob and if you bottle feed they judge you for not breastfeeding. It’s crazy. Anyway, thanks for standing up for all of us mothers!

I know you’re not religious and you’ll probably gag after reading this, but I’m praying for God to give you the birth you want and he designed.

I’m going for my second natural birth and I already know I’ll be devastated if I need a c-section. Hopefully we both get what we want. :)

Caeli November 15, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Hi MODG, this is my first comment. I’m pretty ritualistic about reading this blog and its one if my favorite things… So first of all props for being hilarious. I’m posting to thank you for writing about what you went through yesterday. I had my baby 9 days ago and she’s the most perfect and amazing creature ever, but I’m having a really hard time dealing with how my birth went. Long story short, I labored for 24 hours at the birth center, was on track to have my dream water birth and after lots if other things happened, I needed a c section. I understand 100% the feelin that you’ve missed out on all the magic of the birth you wanted. I have a broken heart too and I feel better reading this post. So thank you and I wish you all the happiness with this new little one and may you find peace in whatever happens.

Andria November 15, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Been thinking of you and will continue to do so. I haven’t read all the above comments, but have you researched placenta encapsulation? I had it done and was really happy with the decision. I’m suggesting it to you because it can help with PPD but in a natural way. Think about it!

Kari November 15, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Positive hippie thoughts coming your way, MODG.
I also dealt with PPD after an unexpected and undesired c-section, and I think the most hurtful comments I heard were “It doesn’t matter how he got here, what’s important is that he’s here & healthy!”
I refused to consider those things mutually exclusive. Yes of course it mattered that my baby was healthy. But that didn’t mean that HOW he got here was meaningless. It held great meaning for me, and I mourned my experience, and being told to ignore the process because I got a healthy baby at the end of it did not sit well with me.
Best of luck to you – I’m glad you have a midwife who will laugh and cry with you and help you navigate whatever path YoShe’s birth takes.

K November 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm

I am so sorry. I totally get it. I’m sorry. xo

Melissa November 16, 2012 at 12:15 am

Hugs, Modg. I went 42 weeks waiting on my VBAC. Was induced with pitocin, “labored” 12 hours with 2 scary low heart rate episodes and the 2nd ending in an emergency C-section. A csection, I could have scheduled 3 weeks earlier and would have at least been awake. While I may not know exactly how you feel, I understand where are you are coming from. Hugs.

Olivia November 16, 2012 at 12:19 am

That’s tough. I wish I could make you feel better, or even better than that, go into labor. But it’s a tough hand you’ve been dealt.

However , a planned cesarean can be a great experience too. Much better than an exhausted-at-the-end-of-labor cesarean. There’s a nice video of a “natural cesarean” you might want to watch for some ideas to discuss with your midwife. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5RIcaK98Yg
And some ideas from Penny Simkin (the Queen Mother of doulas) on planning the best possible cesarean. http://www.bestdoulas.com/best_cesarean_ever.pdf

Sending you happy thoughts for a good birth day for Yoshe!

JT November 16, 2012 at 12:23 am

I really want to thank you for this post. On one of your earlier posts, I started to comment, pretty much asking what the big deal was and why it mattered so much. Not to be a smart ass and tell you it didn’t matter how you gave birth, but because I was genuinely curious, because I didn’t get it. After rewriting my comment a bunch of times, I decided not to post because you’re 40+ weeks pregnant, even with my best intentions, it probably wouldn’t have been something you wanted to hear/deal with. While I still can’t relate to it, I get it now. Thank you.

The only thing I can say is that I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Grieve for it as you have to and don’t feel like you have to defend yourself. And please please please don’t assume you will have postpartum depression, if you have another C-section. Depression is a funny thing and its not a sure thing, if have the birth you don’t want, even if you’ve had depression before. I don’t even know you and I feel devastated for you, that you are feeling this. I hope you can feel positive thoughts and cherish these last moments as a family of 3 and look forward to meeting your fourth. Because you deserve it so very much. Good luck!

JT November 16, 2012 at 1:02 am

I also want to say that when I first started reading your post, I was thinking, “Oh my god, oh my god, something happened to the baby.” And then thought, “Oh, she can’t have a VBAC….” Then as I read further, I felt so horrible that I would think that, which is why I thanked you, because you really did teach me something. But it made me think, why can’t pregnant women be upset about things in their pregnancies? Like just because you’re are having a healthy baby, you have to give up feelings? That means you can’t be upset about how you have that healthy baby and mourn what you can’t have and wanted so much??? We do really need to stop judging so much. You want what you want and we all need to let you feel that. And that is something we should all remember in life in general.

Again, good luck! I am rooting for you and yoshe!

C November 16, 2012 at 12:25 am

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. This is not meant to be disrespectful in any way so I hope you don’t take it as such. When I’m sad, I visit this link and I 100% always feel better after. I hope this reminds you of the joy you will be feeling very soon, experiencing life and humour in the remarkable way that you do with your new girl:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/27-reasons-why-kids-are-actually-the-worst-6z51?sub=1801947_630432
You always manage to put a smile on my face even on the worst of days, so I hope you get a little chuckle out of this even if it’s through tears. Hugs hugs hugs. – C

Kelsi November 16, 2012 at 12:28 am

Modg,

I feel like we’re BFFs..no matter that we’ve never met…I am feeling your pain too. I think about you every day…not in a creepy way…and pray that you’ve had yoSHE magically shoot or of your vagina.
I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, because I had my baby boy naturally with no problems. After I got home, however I suffered from PPD. It was awful and I took a while to work through it. I get that part.

You have my respect all the way sister! No matter what, you gave this sweet baby girl a home for 10 months and she will get here one way or another.

Keep your chin up! We’re all cheerin for ya!

Jessica November 16, 2012 at 12:39 am

I hope the magical Cervical Fairy visits you from GenitaliaLand and sprinkles you with vaginal effacement/opening dust. :)
Xo

KT November 16, 2012 at 12:39 am

MODG, I’m sorry. I was wondering what happened to the comments when I kept coming back and checking if you’re in labor. I don’t fully understand what you’re going through because I’m not a mom, but it is a dream of mine to have a baby naturally (someday) and I would have a hard time letting go of that. Seriously, this post made me cry. I’ll pray for you and be sending you lots of positive energy. I hope that you get your miracle before your miracle arrives. Thanks for your candid sharing. Hugs to you from Minnesota.

Fiona November 16, 2012 at 12:43 am

Hugs sweetheart. I’m not going to go into my own story, other than to say i feel like i know a little bit about how youre feeling right now and my heart goes out to you. I hope that you are able to have the normal vaginal birth that you want, but if you can’t, and if afterwards you find yourself in a sad, scary, dark place please know this. That every one of us, your loyal Internet friends, has laughed, cried and cheered with you throughout your journey and that we have all drawn strength and inspiration through sharing our own journey along with you. I hope that in return we can lend you some strength when you need it most too. Hang in there honey. We’re all here, cheering for you. xx

Skooks November 16, 2012 at 12:47 am

I didn’t experience PPD, but I totally relate to so many of the things you wrote about in your post. I attempted VBAC with my second (it was successful . . . I’m still hoping for you!), but as the days past the due date ticked away the stress and sadness that my body wouldn’t do it again settled in and I was right there with you. My son was 11 days overdue and decided to make his appearance only 3 days before THE DAY. I know you’re not a big fan of religion, but I live by faith and you are in my prayers. I’m hoping that no matter what happens you will have strength to face it and that those around you would be sensitive to your feelings.

I do want to say that I believe that your experience is helping to build bridges of understanding between people on the whole topic of natural birth. I’m sure that doesn’t ease the pain of what you are going through, but perhaps in time it will help to know that your words comforted someone in knowing that they are not alone in mourning the loss of having a natural birth experience . . . or that A was a better friend to B because your post gave insight into what is lost when a person is not able to have the birth experience they feel they are meant to have.

Much love to you, MODG. Prayers for baby girl as well.

Shelley November 16, 2012 at 1:09 am

Thank you for your honesty, making yourself vulnerable, and using what is potentially a disappointing situation (I say “potentially” b/c I’m still hoping to hear about you spontaneously went into labor tomorrow!) for the good of promoting expressions of tolerance.

I understand having a “plan,” & I understand the disappointment of your body not doing what you feel like it should/needs to do, and feeling like a failure for your body not doing what you know it was meant to do (or at least that’s how I felt).

I was induced at 37 weeks, and after 50 hours finally had my baby (you can read about the nitty gritties here: http://myscarlettletter.com/2012/05/31/on-the-night-you-were-born-a-birth-story-part-4/)

I’m wishin’ & hopin’ & thinkin’ & prayin’ & plannin’ & dreamin’ that no matter what, you have a good birth experience & YoShe and you are both healthy (in mind & body) before, during, & after the birth.

Veralynn @ Joie de V November 16, 2012 at 1:29 am

Ugh, this sucks. I don’t know what to say except that I’m sad for you and I’m mad for you. There are plenty of times I’ve gotten annoyed with you and you don’t know me from any other beezy in the blogosphere but from one person to another this sucks as much as if you were one of my closest friends. Because you feel deprived and because you think your body is failing, and because you’re rightfully scared of scary things like PPD. I was reading an article the other day about a doula who tried to have a home birth but ultimately had a c-section after three days in labor. She was of course devastated, but she said that she eventually started looking at it a different way by saying, “He came through a window instead of the door.” I hope you have a complication-free birth with the outcome of a happy, healthy baby and a happy, healthy mama. Lots of positive thoughts going out for you from California. -V

Jean November 16, 2012 at 1:44 am

My heart aches for you. I feel compelled to tell you something, anything that will help you feel better. I however don’t have the gift to say those things in sweet, comforting ways, so if you want to skip this right now, please do. Or delete it after your read it.

Since becoming a mom myself, it seems that most of my judgement has vanished. This shit is crazy hard and my motto soon became, “Is anyone going to die? No. Then it’s fine.” Whatever works. Maybe the struggle is having no control. Or very, very little. Maybe that’s why some people choose a c-section, it gives them control – which is totally cool. But you want the other, and you don’t get to choose. That sucks in the biggest way. In fact the whole dang process is one massive spiral of all things in which we cannot choose. Even going through labor and vag birth felt extremely out of control to me. I didn’t know what was happening, or when. In fact both times I was told it was time to push I had a panic attack because I wasn’t mentally ready. And my second baby that I pushed out and was placed on my chest, I still had that feeling you described, like I was babysitting. It’s possible that no matter how it happens, it’s such a dramatic event that it just takes some of us a long time to process. But it’s no wonder, really. A whole new person just appeared in a matter of minutes changing who we are, and everyone we know, and everything about our lives, forever and ever, amen. Could we have a minute to adjust? No, actually. Pass your gas, take your pills, fill out this form, so on. What I needed was a cacoon where time stopped, and there was nothing happening with my body or the baby’s body, where I could just look and stare and absorb and feel and cry and love until I was good and ready to do something else. Trouble is, I may have never been ready. There is no warmup. There is no adjustment period. Unless the hospital time feels that way to some people. It’s just a mind freak no matter what maybe.

What if this is the way it’s meant to be? Supposed to be? What if I could tell you right now, right here, that you having surgery is the way your baby will be born because that is what is already written to happen? What if this is somehow your baby’s choice?

I guess what I wish for you is to imagine a scenerio that somehow makes this okay. Image the story, the path that leads to this all making sense. Make that story feel ok to you. Make it feel wonderful and dreamy if you can. Then carry that feeling as close as you can.

If you don’t feel peace, acceptance and love – it’s okay. Imagine all of us feeling it for you, because we do. And then imagine all of us sending peace and love to you, because we are. Every single one of us.

CeeC November 16, 2012 at 1:52 am

I am so sorry, my situation was similar but different. I hope that you get that birth you want.

I did just read about a lady who wanted a natural birth and the placenta to empty itself out all in its own time. Instead she had a c-section and could not do that but, the Dr. cut the cord as long as was possible (~20in!) and baby got all that extra cord blood! A small thing but a great idea. Sending thinning and dilating thoughts your way.

MamaBanana November 16, 2012 at 1:57 am

Big huge hugs. That’s all I’ve got.

Audrey November 16, 2012 at 2:25 am

I’m holding out hope for you. You still have 3 whole days. Plus, is it an option to not go in on Monday? Is waiting longer just not an option with VBAC? What if you just stayed home on Monday? Hugs. Sorry this is so very stressful.

Jenna November 16, 2012 at 2:50 am

My friend shared your blog and I had to comment. I don’t know you and have never read your blog. Even though we are total strangers you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your precious babe. My friend always sends me good juju for things so I’m sending some good birth juju to you! I hope for peace to tour soul. A side note to tou…Something in you post caught my eye. You said you have cystitis. My mom was just diagnosed. How did you cure it with baking soda? She has been miserable for over ten years with flare ups and doctors telling her its nothing. Your insight would be so appreciated!

Emily November 16, 2012 at 4:45 am

I am so, so, sorry. I am in tears for you. I understand your desire for a natural birth and the devastation you feel that your little girl may not enter the world the way you had hoped she would. I was told I would need a c-section with my 16 month old son because of his size vs mine (my husband is a foot taller than me, and baby was taking after daddy!) I pushed for the natural birth I desired. I had to have a hospital birth but was able to go into spontaneous labor and give birth vaginally. There were some complications and my son and I were extremely lucky that the consequences were not devastating – although it was terrifying at the time. We are both happy and healthy – and I was lucky enough that I didn’t suffer with ppd either. Fast forward to now, almost halfway through my second pregnancy and I am already being told that my risk of that same complication is relatively high, and I face a c/s this time too – or maybe, if I’m lucky, an early induction. I am heartbroken about it. It sounds silly, and I know that I am lucky to have my son, that I am blessed to have this baby too – but birth is important. My desire to trust in nature, to let my baby come when it’s ready and to birth naturally is important to me. To have it threatened hurts. When it feels like one of the most important things you’ll do wont go to plan, of course it causes pain and tears. I know my story isn’t the same as yours but I just wanted you to know, you’re not alone. And every woman who has had a birth not go to plan or has suffered ppd – they get it.
I am sending all my positive energy to you, hoping that your little girl surprises you, and decides to make her appearance so that you get the birth experience you have dreamed of. And if you don’t, and the c/s is necessary, know that your readers are all here, rooting for you and supporting you, thinking you’re awesome and offering you strength. Good Luck xx

wicked opinion November 16, 2012 at 4:54 am

I’m sorry. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Jones November 16, 2012 at 5:37 am

I cried with you.

Jones November 16, 2012 at 5:50 am

Okay read some of the comments and thought it was a bit creepy to just leave one sentence. So I’m wishing, hoping and cursing (I’m not religious so praying is out of the question) that you will be fine. But I also think you will. Not many people can tell what they feel in the way you can. I really believe that people who can do that will overcome everything.
So good luck for you and your family. You will conquer everything, I’m sure of that.

aria November 16, 2012 at 6:00 am

The important thing is, you’ll come out of this with your baby, and your family. I’m sorry you can’t choose the path to get there.

I know EXACTLY how you feel though. After a childhood of kidney infections, they decided I had an abnormally built urinary tract, and that vaginal birth would NEVER happen. There’d be an absurdly high chance of the baby getting caught on the irregularity and getting injured, or strangled during delivery. I didn’t even have my period, when I was told I would HAVE to deliver by c-section.

Then, after decades more joint problems and tendinitis, they decided I ALSO have a genetic collagen deficiency that has affected the strength of my organs, tissues, ligaments. It’s not life threatening, but it certainly killed my lifestyle. All of my hobbies, playing the piano, crocheting, dancing, cause me extreme pain. Working full time in ANY job is excruciating. I can barely hand-write two sentences at a time without my hands going into muscle spasms. I’m not disabled, but I live with a tremendous sense of loss at all of the things I used to do, but now have to ration out. That diagnosis took away the hope that I had that it might be “just” tendinitis from overwork, or “just” an injury from dance.

It also took away the hope of EVER having a child, c-section or no. There’s few studies on my condition, but one of the few that exists shows that 75% of the women with the disorder sustained SERIOUS complications from pregnancy, that resulted in the death of the fetus, the death of the mother, or crippled the mother. Put that in context with the rest of the health problems I have, and even carrying a pregnancy is a death sentence. Between the stress on my organs, that already seem to have been somewhat compromised(my kidneys particularly have been a constant source of trouble), and the fragility of my tissue… I don’t know the exact numbers, but I do know that the best situation is that the baby dies, and I end up in a wheelchair. And there’s only a 10% or so of that.

Even with an IUD, I live in fear of it failing, and of getting pregnant. Especially with the IUD increasing the odds of ectopic pregnancies, and the complications that could result in THAT, from my other conditions. It’s painful seeing friends building a life for themselves that I’ve never even had the option to fantasize about. I can’t look at other peoples baby pictures, I grit my teeth every time someone else talks about their kids. I wanted to yell when I first got engaged, and everyone was asking my fiance when we were going to start having kids. I have NEVER wanted kids, nor does my fiance, but it’s the most visceral reminder of the fact that I don’t feel like a whole person any more. I don’t feel that I ever WAS a whole person.

It reminds me of every other thing that I’ve tried to do, but been unable to do because of my poor health. Failing out of music school, unable to practice. Failing out of culinary school, in constant pain. Living off whatever condiments were in my cabinet until there literally was no more, because every step, even in my own apartment, caused stabs of pain in my hip sockets, and there was no way I could carry the groceries. That feeling of helplessness, and hopelessness surfaces in the forefront of my mind, every time I see the potential in everyone else’s lives.

I understand EXACTLY why this is so devastating for you. I hope you’ll keep the bright spot at the end in mind, though.

Zoe November 16, 2012 at 6:06 am

I am so sorry – for you and for all the amazing moms who have shared their heartbreak in these comment. I will be thinking of you. Huge hugs.

Here's To A Boring Year November 16, 2012 at 6:37 am

After 200 posts there probably isn’t much I can add, but I wanted to say that you are so brave and so eloquent and I am so sorry that you have to suffer this disappointment.

I’ve always loathed the Mummy Wars in all their forms. Very few people would judge a wlman for being upset if her wedding day didn’t go as planned, yet for some reason so many people think birth is different. No matter how the event gives, the important thing is you still end up married or with a baby – but how you transition into that new state is something that you spend months and months thinking about, dreaming about, planning and preparing for. Its totally natural to grieve for the loss of that dream.

*hugs*

Brandy S November 16, 2012 at 6:56 am

Oh Amanda.

(you know we mean it and we’re serious when we call you Amanda)

I get it. I get it so much. I had a terrible emergency C-section experience with my first and I’m currently hoping for my VBAC in about 7 months.

My heart is breaking for you. I hope Yoshe changes her mind fast. But, if not, I’m not going to tell you to buck up and I’m not going to tell you that everything is going to turn out fine and how it was meant to. I know these are well-meaning comments. But I know if someone tells me those things in a few months if I have a 2nd C-section staring me in the face, I’m going to want to punch them really hard.

But I hope for you to both be healthy (if it comes down to this) and for you to have an easy recovery. I hope you get to enjoy your first hours with your baby girl. And then one day down the road, after lots of processing, hopefully it will feel pretty okay. I know that, occasionally, people are even able to have healing experiences with subsequent C-sections that turned out much better than their first. And I would definitely recommend that whole natural C-section type deal. I agree with others that if I have to have a 2nd C-section, I would much rather it be planned than emergent. That was pure hell, and I didn’t even get to be awake. I hope, no matter what, that it is as calm and peaceful experience for you as it possibly can be.

One more thing. Could it be that scar tissue thing? Preventing the dilation? Where it needs massaged away? :/ Just a thought.

Sending you all tons of love and strength. <3

Anne November 16, 2012 at 7:47 am

I just have to echo that 41weeks doesn’t have to be the end. Research shows 42 is safe. A great friend just vbaced at 41+4. If you have it in you, I would highly encourage you to ask for more time. Agree to more monitoring, NSTs, etc, but if you and baby are ok it is safe until 42.

I want this for you!

Lisa November 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Yes yes yes! This is reasonable. This is safe. You deserve this option!

Katy @MonsterProof November 16, 2012 at 8:04 am

I hope the surgeon’s hand is steady. I hope post-partum depression isn’t a monster you have to face this time. I hope your water spontaneously breaks 2 hours from now. I hope you have the best holiday season imaginable with your bigger family. But, most of all, I hope that you have peace with whatever comes to be. Thinking of you!

Jessica November 16, 2012 at 8:05 am

Damn I’m really sorry. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that maybe, just maybe this baby will surprise you and come on her own.
Thanks for being brutally honest. That takes courage and I really appreciate that.

Brittany November 16, 2012 at 8:26 am

I am bawling for you. My heart is breaking for you. No woman, no mother, should have anything less than the birth she wants. You are an amazingly strong woman, I hope that I am even 10% as put together and as insightful as you have been through both of your pregnancies (whenever it is finally my turn). Sending you lots of hugs, glitter, and love. <3

meredith November 16, 2012 at 8:26 am

This is such a beautiful post. Good luck in the next few days!

Monica King November 16, 2012 at 8:31 am

Amanda – I read this last night and I literally started crying for you. I have never had a c-section, but have had 3 natural deliveries and I cannot imagine not being able to do so. I am praying for you – that you are able to experience the wonderful joy that is natural childbirth. But no matter the outcome, I especially hope and pray you don’t suffer PPD this time. I suffered with it and it’s something I don’t wish on my worst enemy.
On a positive note, I cannot wait to see the next beautiful person you’re cooking in there ;) I bet she is just as pretty as her Mommy and probably twice as feisty! -Monica

Elizabeth November 16, 2012 at 8:32 am

So sorry! Can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. Glad you have the weekend to grieve and process it all before that sweet girl arrives on Monday.

demi November 16, 2012 at 8:34 am

You are so incredibly smart and awesome, and SUCH A GREAT MOTHER. Truth!! Sometimes we cant control everything but we can control our feelings as we go through our struggles and upsets. I wish I could give you a huge hug, and tell your cervix to open up. I want you to have that super love moment when she makes her appearance-and truly I think you will have it anyway. I know you’ve been working so hard and you’ve been so dedicated. But I also know when you see her face-all that work you put in will still be worth it-no matter how she comes into this world and into your precious family. Fight for that skin to skin contact, you can still have it even with a c-section! Here is an article about a similar mother who went through a similar trial…
http://www.mamaeve.com/natural-childbirth/my-scar-does-not-define-me-part-2/ Your scar does not define you… <3

Aliya November 16, 2012 at 8:37 am

I hope you get your wish.. Really, I do. I have had 2 C-Sections and never until reading this post and all the comments (and yes, I read ALL the comments) did I ever feel like I “missed out” by not going vaginally – until now.

And I know, I know, healthy baby, blah blah – there is no comparison between the two, why does it have to be one or the other, etc… But, it really is true, and even though you’ve read a thousand stories, here is one more: a close friend’s daughter (who is around your age), can’t NOT go into labor. Not only has she had several miscarriages, but when she finally did get pregnant.. she went into premature labor and lost her baby girl at 19 weeks after a quick and painless vaginal delivery.

Her doctors told her to get pregnant again immediately and she did… And two weeks ago it happenned again and she went into preterm labor and delivered a 2lb baby at 26 weeks gestation who will now be in the NICU for the next four months… Her first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, her first New Year’s… And I’d bet a million that that mom would give anything in her house and home and life to trade places and have your situation. I know it’s not the same, again – it doesn’t have to be one or the other. But you aren’t broken. You’re so lucky that you can have and hold your healthy and beautiful baby in three days. You’re so lucky.

Sparkles and Pink Puffy hearts to you, B, G and yoSHE.

Marlee November 16, 2012 at 8:40 am

I don’t really have anything to say except that I wish you and B and G all the BEST of whatever way Yoshi comes into the world. xoxox

kat November 16, 2012 at 8:42 am

I’m sorry :(

KamiKaze November 16, 2012 at 8:48 am

Amanda,

I am holding out hope and faith that you will go on labor on your own. I’m praying for you. But also, I will pray for you should you have to have major surgery. I will pray that you don’t have the depression that you suffered last time (also my fear as I’ve suffered depression in my teen years and that was plenty bad) I will pray that should you suffer depression–that you work through it and get through it as fast as possible.

At the very least, I thank you for writing about your post partum depression and how you had to seek help. It gives me hope that should I go through that–at least someone won’t judge me and at least I won’t be stigmatized in someone’s eyes.

I hope that you have the birth experience that you want one day. Hopefully one day soon–like before the weekend ends.

best wishes,

Kami

GB Girl November 16, 2012 at 8:49 am

I can’t even begin to imagine how much you are hurting right now. I know how much you wanted this though and I’m sorry that it may not happen for you. Don’t be ashamed of how you feel. It’s your body and it’s your birth experience and you have every right to want it the way you want it. I will never judge you for how you feel. I will always respect you for putting your feelings out there in such an open and honest way. Thank you for that. I know I can’t say anything that will make it better, but I’ll be sending you lots of positive thoughts. You are an awesome mom and nothing can change that.

Katie November 16, 2012 at 8:49 am

I will be thinking of you over the next few days. This is a brave post and you are a strong woman.

Erin November 16, 2012 at 8:53 am

I can’t speak from any experience or give you any words of wisdom. Just wanted to add my positive thoughts to the universe. Thinking of you, B, and G.

sue diamond-phillips November 16, 2012 at 8:54 am

I am sooo sorry, i feel awful for you. I totally wish i could do something to help you or make it better…say the right encouraging thing. Praying it just HAPPENS this weekend!! (((hugs)))

Lisa F. November 16, 2012 at 8:55 am

Modg, your story is my story. I chose the hippiest doctor in Austin for my VBAC, and at 41.5 weeks, for a myriad of reasons, was told that a VBAC wasn’t going to happen. I had a scheduled c-section and it took me a long time to mourn the loss of the births I never got to have. Now, 2.5 years later, I have a healthy son and daughter and am finally realizing that:

*I am so much more than my birth experiences*.

I still hope you get the birth that you want, and am sending good vibes your way. Lisa F.

AmyIrene November 16, 2012 at 8:57 am

I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but I then I thought maybe you’d appreciate me wasting some of the time that seems to be barely moving for you. I can’t say anything about having a baby because I’ve been trying for 2 years to even get pregnant. I’m not jealous of you, and I’m not going to ask for pity. I know that my journey is mine. Your journey is yours. I am envious of your preparation and determination! You haven’t done anything “wrong”; it is what it is. You’ve inspired a loooooot of people over the years with your blogs. YoShe is so incredibly lucky to be joining your world. If you think she’s giving you a hard time now, just wait til she’s 12, 16, 18, 21, getting married, having a baby…and now my closing lame ass joke…What does a nosy pepper do?

IT GET’S JALAPENO BUSINESS.

Katie November 16, 2012 at 9:00 am

I love this post – so honest and real. You are my favorite blogger MODG. I can relate in a different way, I had a baby through IVF and always wanted to experience the more “natural” way and am currently dealing with PPA. Thinking about you during these next few days and weeks. Hang in there, you have so many people who support and love you!

Lindsay @ Hot Mess, Cool Day November 16, 2012 at 9:09 am

Just wanted to share my support as well. Your blog is where I come when I need to feel home, comforted…reading your archived posts always makes me smile. I’m so sorry Yoshe’s birth may not be what you hoped for, but just wanted to chime in as supporter #4389439204390423 and say you’re amazing.

Mia November 16, 2012 at 9:10 am

MODG,

I’ve never commented before, but I have an encouraging story to share. Also, I’m only eighteen, but I am ADDICTED to your blog.

My mom was told she wouldn’t be able to have any kids, so when she got pregnant with me it was a miracle. Once I was two weeks past my due date, my mom was told she would need to schedule a c-section. I was scheduled for a c-section on January 30th, my mama’s birthday. Turns out, there was a crazy ice storm that night (I don’t know why people say babies come during storms) and my mom went into labor. Two days before the schedule c-section, I was born on my own! You never know what can happen.

Sending love, prayers, and hopefully a storm your way! XOXO

lo November 16, 2012 at 9:14 am

Still get pangs in my heart when I think of what I too was denied….wanted all the same hippy things you want. . . But in the end, as you say, nothing to do about it but grieve and be happy about the outcome. You’re brave and strong. And the fireceness with which you will love that little girl will overcome all…. sending you hipppy vibes……

ChanaMaya November 16, 2012 at 9:17 am

MODG – Sometimes the universe has plans, and all we can do is accept. That said – regardless of the outcome, you have the power to open your body, mind and heart up and out for your baby. That calm acceptance which sounds so easy but can be so challenging to obtain will ease your mind, ease your body, help you get to where you want to be. I wish you much joy upon your imminent birth day.

Lissa Grunert November 16, 2012 at 9:22 am

I will be on my knees praying for you to go into labor this weekend. I so so understand the importance of this to you! I felt the same way with my 2nd!

Can you help me understand what the risk is of going past Monday? I’m sure they gave you a reason, but why is it unsafe for you to continue to wait for spontaneous labor past then?

Love and labor dust from Virginia.

kiki November 16, 2012 at 9:23 am

Sending prayers, well wishes and positive energy out into the universe and directed your way that you have the wonderful birth experience of your dreams.

Here’s to your beautiful, healthy family. And to the amazing addition to your family. It is truly a miracle.

Michelle November 16, 2012 at 9:23 am

I am crying for you this morning. My husband had to keep reminding me that the real goal was a healthy baby when I was told I had to have a c-section, and it’s true, but it doesn’t stop the hurt and confusing for why your body isn’t working like it should. My midwife said that if the baby isn’t coming out like we’d hope, it likely means baby knows something is wrong and is looking for help… I am still hopeful for you – Monday is forever away!

Erin November 16, 2012 at 9:27 am

I remember in elementary school saying to my parents, “Crazy that I can’t go down the Child Star path bc I chose the Regular Kid path.” I didn’t actually want to be a child star, nor did I have any talent, but I was so struck by how that was truly an experience I will never have or know. At that age, when I still felt as though everything was before me, it was hard to imagine there were things I wouldn’t experience. Now that I’m in my 30s with a baby, I still see the silly paths I didn’t take: princess, runaway bride, firefighter – but also serious things. My parents unexpectedly divorced after 35ish yrs (dad had an affair) when I was 35 wks pregnant with my baby. It had been such a happy pregnancy, I wanted a happy womb, I was planning on naming the baby after my dad… My mom went into a deep depression, an episode of MS, and moved in with us.

I cried and cried and cried. I mourned the loss of all the grandparent memories I’d hoped for but also for the last 5 weeks of pregnancy bliss. I worried about my baby drowning in my sadness and I needed to find a new name. I think of the Goop movie Sliding Doors – what would have life looked like, my sons birth, and those weeks immediately before and after had they not separated? My sons name would have been different, for one thing!

I was fortunate and got the home birth I wish I could give you. You will never be a Pop Princess and you may not get a vag birth. It sucks that we can’t have every experience that life offers. It just sucks!

Christine Anderson November 16, 2012 at 9:28 am

Thank you for this post. I am the “2005″ version of you who does not have kids yet and does not understand totally how it feels. My husband and I want to have kids and I want to do it as naturally as I can and your post has made me feel even stronger about this. You have put into words feelings and thoughts I did not even really understand and I thank you for that. I really hope that whatever is supposed to happen for you and your family does. Know that you have a world of support no matter what and you will come out the other end even stronger! Good luck and I will think of you all this weekend! Sparkles and Britney Spears thoughts going your way!

ilikebeerandbabies.com November 16, 2012 at 9:28 am

Hang in there, mama. I know PPD and the feeling of being disconnected wholly from your newborn child. Just know that people love you and are thinking of you. Even if you don’t know it and feel completely alone.

Maria November 16, 2012 at 9:28 am

I don’t yet have kids, so I have a hard time giving input on this topic because I simply have no experience. But I want you to know, MODG, that I am crying for you. And praying for you. And Yoshi. And I think you’re awesome no matter what happens.

And if Yoshi makes a surprise visit before Monday I will pee myself with joy for you. And probably cry more.

Hetha2 November 16, 2012 at 9:35 am

I remember crying at the very mention of a possible c-section during the birth of my son. I wanted an all natural birth too, with no drugs. But I ended up being induced 10 days late (which I didn’t want), then they lost the heart rate so I had to have an internal monitor which broke my water (which I didn’t want), all of this meaning I was stuck on the bed. Then because of the pitocin-induced contractions were so intense after my water broke, I got an epidural (which I didn’t want). I also got it because of the threat of a c-section. I was lucky not to have one because he came fast after that. But I mean what I said — lucky. I think more often than not, what we want for our birth doesn’t happen 100% the way we planned. I dealt with sadness for a few days due to disappointment in myself not being able to go drug free. We, as mothers, put to much pressure and guilt on ourselves. Because of that, I think a lot of us deal with even a bit of depression after birth. IF that happens to you again, just know you not only do you have your real-life friends and family for support, you have us too. And don’t ever feel guilty IF that happens. But don’t be shocked if it doesn’t. Either way, it’s okay and we are pulling for you.

Laura November 16, 2012 at 9:38 am

I gave birth “naturally” and I still felt like I was babysitting my child after the birth. As much as I wanted to connect to the experience of giving birth, it was a whirlwind, and after it was all over, it seemed like it never happened. Hopefully, since it is your second child and you have an established identity as a parent, you will have a different experience this time. Best of luck.

eastportbride November 16, 2012 at 9:38 am

Amanda my heart just breaks for you right now. Your analogy to babysitting after a surgery is so spot on. When I had my baby, and it took an exceedingly long time to heal (because of two infections), I felt exactly like that. I can’t imagine what post partum depression does on top of the total exhaustion and guilt for wanting to focus on rest and your own body healing while needing to care for your baby, but I want you to know that I totally get the grieving over the way you thought Yoshi would come into this world. I was told during my last post-partum appointment with my OB, once I had finally healed, that there was no possibility of even trying for a VBAC if I wanted to have another child. Crushing. Hang in there and be as effing zen as you can possibly be and I’ll be hoping that Yoshi decides she can do this, and you can do this, and gives you a double miracle by arriving in the way you’d all hoped.

Jenni November 16, 2012 at 9:40 am

I was able to deliver naturally and I was actually scared to and tried to talk my OB into letting me have a c-section. I didn’t feel like it was “natural” to have my baby come through some small shoot all squished up. I know it is the natural process of it but for some reason it scared me. I ended up having a great, calm delivery but I guess it was not something that I really looked forward to. I was scared of the pain and that something would happen and I wouldn’t be able to get her out. I am happy NOW that everything worked out and that I was able to deliver naturally but I guess it is something that I took for granted. I did not realize how some people yearn to have that experience and for that my heart hurts for you. I know that you know, a healthy baby is the ultimate end result but I hope that somehow you can manage this hurt and enjoy your experience. I will be sending up positive vibes for you and Yoshe.

Kristin November 16, 2012 at 9:48 am

I’m so sorry. My first was a csection and when we became pregnant again I wanted a hbac. Well homebirth didn’t work for us because we didn’t have the money and the midwife we wanted was going through some legal stuff that didn’t allow her to practice at the time. So we decided to do a vbac in a hospital. My dr in town said he was on board and we were going to be having a vbac. Well as time got closer I was getting nervous that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I went into labor the day before I turned 41 weeks. I had awesome support from my hubby, doula, and aunt. I labored at home until my contractions were 2 min apart. When we arrived at the hospital they checked me and I was 4cm! I was happy I made it to that bc with my first I only made it to 2. I was 70% effaced which was good. Then the bad news came. I wasn’t allowed to stay at the hospital. (My dr had told me in the beginning that the hospital was ok with vbac , well near the end that had second thoughts and told me I would just have to sign a waiver saying I was refusing a csection and then we could have a vbac and that it was no big deal.) because I was a vbac and I was refusing a csection I had to the leave the hospital untilu baby was falling out of my crotch.my dr never told me this and it was a big emotional surprise. We decided to leave. It tooky over an hour to get the the car because my contractions were right on top of each other. At this point I have labored for 14hrs with crazy strong contractions and I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep so bad but I wasn’t getting a break at all. So I decided to go back to te hospital and have a section. At this point I just wanted to be done. I know some of my friends probably still judge me for that decision I made but that’s ok. I did what I could, I handled what I could but I just couldn’t do it anymore. So after 17hrs of labor I had a section. I dialated to a 7 but my dr said he wouldn’t have made it out. He was 9lbs 14oz with a 15 in head. His head was perfectly round with no molding. There are days where I beat my self up for my choice. But for the most part I think I did awesome. I am a big wuss when it comes to pain and I lasted a lot longer than I thought I could. Things don’t always turn out like we want but if you can find peace with it then it makes it better. I have come to terms with my birth and I got an awesome healthy baby out of it. He breastfeed like a champ and is so happy. I really hope things pick up and you can have the birth you want. Sending lots of prayers your way. Good luck!!!

Lisa November 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm

That was not legal of them to force you out. Seriously.

Laurie November 16, 2012 at 9:50 am

Modg, I live in Las Vegas, and as I was driving home from work yesterday, a little car buzzed by my and, as I always seem to do, I looked at the license place. It was personalized and said YSHE and had a ladybug sticker on the bumper. I immediately thought of you! Good luck and can’t wait to see pics of her!!

Desiree November 16, 2012 at 9:51 am

I really wanted to read through all of the comments because it’s unity like this that makes me so proud to be a woman BUT I also don’t want to cry happy tears at work and look like a weirdo. From what I did get through, you have certainly touched a lot of mamas out there, including me. You helped me get through my struggles with breast feeding. Your perseverance kept me trying. Your honesty let me know it was going to be shitballs tough, but the success was so worth it.

You’re helping people MODG. Whether you want to or not, you’re reaching so many and helping us all deal with our failures and our victories. You are amazing.

Bonus: Pretty sure you already have an army established for the zombie apocalypse. ;)

KT November 16, 2012 at 9:58 am

I’m so sorry, and I totally get it. My first was an emergency c-section. Very emergency. They had to put my under for it, I missed the entire thing. My son was in the NICU for several weeks recovering, but my doctor had saved his life. We came so close to losing him, we felt so blessed and lucky and happy. He made a complete recovery and has been blowing us away with how amazing he is ever since. But I still mourned the loss of the birth I had imagined. I really wanted a VBAC with our second. Shortly after we found out we were having a baby girl (yay!) we also found out that she would need to born via repeat c-section. I was sad, but it helped to put it in perspective…yes, I had always wanted a vaginal birth experience. But more than that, I had always, always wanted a daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything in the world and actually really wanted our first to be a boy. But I’ve also always dreamed of having a daughter one day that I could have the kind of beautiful relationship with that I have with my own incredible mother (who coincidentally had me via repeat c-section). I tried to focus on the fact that if a c-section was the safest way to bring me my beautiful, healthy baby girl…a baby girl that I was going to be able to bond with and love for the rest of my love…a baby girl that some people would do anything to be blessed with…a baby girl that I could dress in fabulous clothes and shoes (hey, just being honest. it’s beyond fun.) well, then that was a trade off I was willing to make. In the end, I realized that I’ve still been blessed with everything I’ve ever wanted, even if it didn’t come to me the way I had imagined.

I hope it still goes the way you are wanting. But if it doesn’t, maybe it will help to focus on the trade off. Also, have the hospital do their best to make it more personal. The repeat c-section with my daughter ended up being more beautiful and peaceful than I could have imagined and brought me a lot of closure with regards to my son’s birth. We played our own music during the birth, I saw her being born, my husband and I held her the entire time they were sewing me up, I literally carried her out of the OR from surgery and into recovery (some of my favorite pictures) and was nursing her within 15 minutes in recovery. It doesn’t have to be terrible. Take control and make it exactly what you want it to be, with the hand you’ve been dealt, and it will be beautiful for you too. Love and best wishes. xoxo.

KT November 16, 2012 at 10:04 am

also, there’s nothing bad about having the vag of an 18 year old for all of eternity. my husband agrees. just sayin.

Carrie Darney November 16, 2012 at 10:00 am

I’m so sorry for your hurting. I too had horrible PPD with my first born…like didn’t tell anyone for 6 months. I was miserable…I then realized it was chemical and out of my control. When I got pregnant with my 2nd the first thing I thought of were those dark days and how I so badly didn’t want to go there again. I got on medication before I had her and am still on them 2 years later…and I’m fine with it. It was hard to accept but sometimes intervention is necessary…not that I like it.

Thinking of you and can’t wait to “meet” your little girl!!

Shan November 16, 2012 at 10:10 am

Mad respect for you…I had a horrible birth experience for my daughter (she’s a few days younger than G) and because of that I am literally TOO afraid to have another baby. I am in AWE of your courage to go to face these demons again, especially after the experience of ppd (which I also fear having again). When you go into all this either this weekend or Monday– remember that how you are facing up to this fear again, that you aren’t a failure and that you are the mother than Yo-she chose.

sara November 16, 2012 at 10:16 am

i do not have a child nor am i even pregnant…i used to think breast feeding was gross and birth was even grosser…then i started reading your blog almost 2 years ago….you have changed my views 100%. i can not wait to carry my child, give birth and breast feed that little nugget to no end. i never really knew much of anything about life as a woman until learning from you. i have learned much more from you than i think i could from any baby book. you are such an amazing and beautiful woman and i just want to thank you for being so honest and real. baby may not come to you the natural way and i am so sorry for that, but without a doubt she will be just as amazing as her mother. thank you for sharing your journey with us. sending lots and lots and lots of love and soft fuzzy cuddlies.

Kade November 16, 2012 at 10:19 am

Much heartfelt love to you. Your deserve all love and respect and much more. Your courage and honesty is inspiring. Xxxx

Chrissy November 16, 2012 at 10:23 am

I’m so sorry that this disappointment and regret has to accompany the arrival of someone so special. It is a bittersweet thing. As a veteran (and yes…it IS like a mini-war…with my BODY…) of three c-sections that I didn’t particularly want (said with a wry grin)…I get it. My body never worked either. I never effaced, I never effectively contracted, I never dilated. My cervix was fine with ACCEPTING the sperm to make the baby but absolutely against letting said baby escape. The joke around here is that I would still be pregnant with our ten year old son, were it not for medical intervention.

I was too young and truly…too uninformed…to be aware of all the ways that this might impact my sons and me…I just trusted the doctors and knew anyway, in my gut, that this was the only way. It helped when I saw how enormous all three of my sons were. I come from a long line of men over 6’5″ tall and now I have three boys striving toward that goal. They all looked like three month old babies at birth…and no, no gestational diabetes. Just ginormous genes. The idea of pushing them out of my lady garden was one I was absolutely up for…but it was intimidating, to put it mildly. lol

So…I feel your pain. I’ve been there before and I was scared, for sure, and sad. It was nothing like I pictured it all going and it kept happening! :/ My kids are fine now but that was a rough time. My thoughts are with you….and I am hoping for all the best.

Heather November 16, 2012 at 10:23 am

You’ve brought tears to my eyes and enlightened me beyond words. I don’t have any kids yet and honestly, I hadn’t really thought about when my husband and I will start trying or how the pregnancies will go, etc. I am praying so hard for you right now. Praying that you will get the birth you want. Praying that even if you don’t get the birth you want, you will feel the pure happiness and joy that’s intended for you when you’re handed your new baby girl. You are a strong woman. You can do this. You have your husband, your little boy, your families, and a whole SLEW of devoted readers that are more than willing to listen, cry with you, and talk. You are not alone! xoxo

Katie November 16, 2012 at 10:28 am

It’s the things we can’t control that make us strong enough to handle them. You are so strong and I hope for you the best outcome from however you get that baby out of there! You got it MODG – and you’ve got a lot of support behind you, too. xoxo

Stacey November 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

I understand. I’ll keep this short… I have two kids and worried, too, about having PP depression the second time, because I had it pretty bad with my first. The first time, I had no idea I may feel like that after having a baby. Afterall, I had been so excited my whole pregnancy! And look at all my happy face pictures of friends and their newbors on Facebook! They aren’t sad! Well – it hit me like a ton of bricks after I had my oldest son.

So the second birth happened… I was feeling good, feeling good, and then it hit me. I did have it, but honestly it helped to KNOW it was coming, KNOW what it might feel like and to KNOW that the clouds would part and there would be sun. It made the PP stuff much easier to take the second time–and shorter. Just wanted to throw that out there for what it’s worth.

Sorry you are going through this hard time. I will keep you and your upcoming birth/recovery in my prayers, Amanda.

Jaime November 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

Hey MODG,
Just wanted to thank you for being so open about all this birth stuff. As someone who is just starting to try to conceive it’s really encouraging to know that people are having these discussions, and even though not everything always goes the way you want it to it’s okay (HARD, but okay). And that it’s okay that it’s hard. I think there are tons of women who are so well served by these kinds of conversations and I just wanted to let you know I am one of them, and say thanks for having the courage to start the conversation.
Good luck, whichever way things go for you.

Erika Batista November 16, 2012 at 10:32 am

I can relate. I remember when my son was born all I wanted was to hold him on my chest as soon as he would come out. Well, I pushed for 2 hours and had to have a c-sect. As amazing as it was to have him in my arms, I can honestly say I never got over that missed feeling. All I wanted was to put him on my chesst and him to stop crying because he knew it was me, his mom. And I never got that. I will probably never know what that is like. For the first 6-8 months after his birth I could not watch ANY shows or movies that showed a natural birth, it made me sad. I completely understand you. It’s like we missed out on something. I truly hope Yoshe makes it before Monday, because I know exactly how you feel. As a woman for me it was what I looked MOST forward to about birth. Holding him and calming him. Best of luck and many blessing Amanda. I love you and your blog because of this, You are real.

Angie November 16, 2012 at 10:34 am

I’ve been in your shoes before and felt all these very same things. Remember, you have full permission to mourn the loss of a birth you hoped for. And everyone, EVERYONE, should respect that. As I counted down the days in anticipation of our hoped for VBAC, I made a list of hopes for the birth. I’ve been thinking of you and sending these same prayers up for you and baby Yoshe.

I pray for a successful VBAC and a gooey baby on my chest.
I pray for supportive nurses and physicians.
I pray my mom gets here in time to support me.
I pray this birth will help bring Andy and me healing regarding childbirth.
I pray this birth will help reassure my faith in my own body.
I pray this birth will help me understand my own strength.
I pray this birth will help assuage my nearly three year old doubts of myself as a mother.
I pray for open communication with my care providers.
I pray for no sudden surprises.
I pray for steady hands and clear minds if surgery is required.
I pray for inner peace if I have to lay on that operating table again.
I pray for strength to deliver Ben however he is to be born.
I pray that I will be able to hold him soon after he arrives.
I pray that I will be cognizant and alert at his birth.
I pray he will be born into a room full of love.
I pray he will be born into a room full of calm and peace.
I pray that he will be healthy and happy.
I pray that I will be joyful.

Stephanie Ann November 16, 2012 at 10:35 am

I just want to say that I know there is so much behind this post that I’m sure was never written but experienced through a long journey. I know for every post like this so much more had to be lived before you can even get to a place that you can sit at a computer and write. I think you are such a strong person to let yourself be so vulnerable for us all to experience together. Your stories, the good the bad the funny and the sad bring something different to us all. So thank you for sharing and letting us all be a part of this journey with you.

Harbormom November 16, 2012 at 10:35 am

I am a big believer in “my body, my choice.” But sometimes we have to accept that, sometimes, it’s “My body, my body’s choice.” I ache for your sorrow. And it usually pisses me off when someone says anything that remotely equals, “Look on the bright side,” when for you, there is no bright side. I remember reading the terrible experiences you had leading up to G’s birth. If this precious little girl does not decide to slide on through on her own this weekend, I will hope that you will at least have the most positive C-Section experience that anyone ever had. And that the lack of pre-birth drama and trauma will alleviate any possibility of the postpartum depression you suffered after G (been there, done that). Will be sending the most positive rainbow, sparkly unicorn and fairy dust vibes your way all weekend, and look forward to your first post after Yoshe’s debut.

Nath November 16, 2012 at 10:36 am

Dear Sad MODG,

Similar boat, same sort of hand was dealt to me… now they are 8 and 7 and absolutely wonderful. I cried the first time around because I so desperately wanted to give birth to Buttercup the “normal way”, the way my sister pushed three out naturally without even skipping a beat. But when Buttercup’s heart stopped after 36 hours and I was still only 4 cm along, she had to come out FAST. Turns out she was transverse and would not have come out alive anyhow. Then 20 months later, the choice was raw for me. Risking a torn uterus, more complications all with a toddler at home, Chick Pea came out the same way her sister did and yes I felt defeated. But I got to come home safely with a car full of love and my supportive hubs and our two beautiful healthy girls.

Today, I hardly ever think about it anymore. I no longer feel “less” or “bad” and frankly, it hardly even matters to me anymore. I certainly understand where your brain is at right now. But try to focus on B and G and Yoshi and you. Think of the kick ass photos of your beautiful family you will all make us jealous with!

And don’t worry, years from now, when you sneeze, you too will have to discreetly shove your hands between your legs so the pee does not run down your legs or wet the crotch of your favorite yoga pants!

Lots of love and good wishes all the way from Canada. xo

Megan November 16, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oh Lord, I’m sorry this is going this way for you, really and truly. But I want you to remember: There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Even if you have another C and God forbid struggle with PPD again. You are a strong lady and will handle it. You are a fighter and a bad ass. And, when and if you feel like it, I would encourage you to reflect on the reasons your midwife shared about why you’re not dilated/effaced, because sometimes, while the cold hard facts really suck, there can be comfort in them too. Everything will be all right. Can’t wait to meet Yoshe.

Ashley November 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

I completely understand your disappointment. Your feelings are very valid and I would me a mess if I was in your shoes. I am so sorry this is happening.
My husband was hospitalized for nearly two months last year and NO ONE could figure out what it was. Front groin pain, deep. In the end, he was diagnosed with interstitial cystits. He changed his diet, cut out acidic foods, including alcohol and he hasn’t had an “episode” in quite a while. I wish I knew back then that you had it! Ive “known” you since you started blogging. I do not know anyone else with it.
I will be sending you positive birthing thoughts, and you are right, no matter what you will have a healthy beautiful baby girl very soon!

M Dizzle to the H Pizzle November 16, 2012 at 10:54 am

What you are going through is also teaching US so many things…. so thank YOU!

Hang in there!

Jen November 16, 2012 at 10:58 am

I am sorry things are difficult for you. Hopefully you will bond more quickly with your daughter this time no matter what way she is born. I have had health problems since my birth and I can understand the frustration of your body not doing what you believe it should be doing.

15 months ago I was lucky enough to get what I wanted. I had the beautiful natural birth of my son, I even pulled him out of me myself. After he was born I still had that “babysitting” feeling for several weeks until I got to know him more in the outside world. I am pregnant again with a daughter, like you, and no matter how she comes into the world I am hopefully the bonding will occur faster this time. I know how my love grew and grew for my son and hopefully that experience will project itself onto my initial impressions of my daughter. PPD is terrible and unpredictable. Hopefully you will not be touched by it this time around.

TC November 16, 2012 at 11:00 am

As parents (especially mothers), we make so many sacrifices for our children, starting with the pregnancy and continuing forevermore. Our birth “plans” are sometimes one of those sacrifices. I’m so sorry you may not end up having the birth you wished for, as I know from experience that a disappointing birth can haunt us for years to come. You have been incredibly strong in sharing your experience with us all and I can only wish you the best experience possible. Sending lots of happy, healing thoughts your way in the hopes that you can either have the birth of your dreams or heal quickly from any other outcome.

AM November 16, 2012 at 11:03 am

If it’s any comfort, I had the full-on super hippie natural birth–doula, no drugs, no interventions–and *still* had the “who’s this kid? am I babysitting?” feeling afterward. It took me a long time (months) to warm up to the mom role. Other friends who had c-sections had the fluffy bondy feelings right away. I guess I’m saying it may not be the way the birth happens that determines the feelings you have about the baby and yourself afterward. I’m sorry it looks like you won’t get the birth you want. But there’s a lot of unpredictability in the whole process and no one aspect of the process can determine how all the rest of it plays out.

Elise November 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

You have an unproportionate amount of Erin’s and Sarah’s that read your blog…

Natalie November 16, 2012 at 11:12 am

I’ve been thinking of you all week, and I’m so very sorry to hear your news. I’m due in the next two weeks with my first and am so afraid of postpartum depression. I truly hope you don’t experience it again. Take the time to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted. That is the only way you’ll be able to move past it. I wish you the safest birth on Monday. Just remember that no matter what, you are a great mom and will be again to this new little one! Sending love and support your way!!

Erin November 16, 2012 at 11:15 am

((((((((HUGE HUG)))))))

Squirrelprancer November 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

I didn’t read all of the comments, so I apologize if I’ve repeated anything. I have clinical depression, aka year round. It gets worse in the winter, and this past February was the worst I’ve been in years; it was terrifying. And I’m pretty scared that it’s going to happen again this winter. The only thing that makes me feel slightly better is the fact that I’ve gone through it before. Forget the “I got through it and survived and I’m a better person now” shit. The best part about already going through it:

-I have my doctors and therapists on speed dial, and they already know what’s going down. I hate having to start over with new doctors, I swear I always leave something out. Plus, when you’re depressed, it takes you 2o minutes to convince yourself to get out of bed so you don’t pee on yourself. If I can barely make myself do that, lord knows I won’t be researching doctors, therapists, calling them, seeing which one fits me, and magically showing up for appointments to meet with them. Yeah, no. I had to do all of this last time, which I think is one of the reasons the “depressive episode” was so bad. Stupid clinical terms.
-I know my triggers. When I come home from work and lay down to take a 2 hour nap and it turns into “oops, it’s 7am, time to get ready for work”, it’s kind of an indication I’m not 100% all there.
-I have obnoxiously supportive friends, roommates, family, and manfriend. They know the triggers as well, and sometimes when I don’t pick up on them, they do. Hooray for observant humans.

So the whole situation blows, don’t get me wrong. And I can’t offer anything on the non-vagina baby exit thing, as I have no mini humans of my own yet. But I can say that things go smoother when you’ve been there before. Maybe better, maybe not, I don’t know- but at least you have your rockstar therapist who’s gone through it with you before, and you know Zoloft gives your happies back.

You may want to look into happy lights- they cure everything from depression to eczema, which is pretty badass. My hippy family and I are huge advocates for the happy light, and there is a noticeable lessening of my depression when I use it. It’s like going to a tanning bed, minus the skin cancer. Dude, your doctor tells you to have the light in front of you, and then you have to watch tv. YOUR PRESCRIPTION IS TO WATCH TV.

On another note, my manfriend has a fat old bitch cat who’s probably 800 years old, deaf and senile. I’m trying so hard to find a slutty bikini for her to wear while she suns herself in the window; she’s embracing her reubenesque figure and old age. So if you find any slutty bikinis for incredibly overweight senile cats, let me know.

Kiera November 16, 2012 at 11:18 am

I get it. I was induced with my first & ended up with a c/s. I thought from the second I heard him crying, “I NEED TO DO THIS THE VAGINAL WAY.”

Well, I’m pregnant with my second now (EDD is 1/1/13) and we just scheduled my RCS for 12/28/12 because there are so many things that can happen with me, or have happened… and this baby isn’t allowed to go past the 40 week mark. Sucks.

My fingers are crossed that I go into labor on my own before 12/28, but lets face it, that is so unlikely to happen. It’s something I have been coming to terms with, and still am. I’m hoping it doesn’t “rain on the parade” of having my second son.

I get it. I’m sorry. It sucks.

Rachel November 16, 2012 at 11:20 am

When I started reading your post, I thought maybe you were going to say that you had lost the baby. Boy, that will sure put things in perspective, won’t it? At the same time, I get it. I am due with my second and while I haven’t had the experience you had with a C-section, I understand what an emotional and personal experience giving birth is. You totally have a right to mourn the loss of your VBAC. I’m still hoping you will get to experience one after all!

kristen November 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

I’m so sorry you and B are feeling sad and defeated. Like others have said, your disappointment is 100% valid and nobody should judge you for mourning the (potential) loss of the birth you hoped you’d have. I hope something awesome happens between now and Monday, and if it doesn’t I hope you have the best C-section possible (I think knowing what to expect will definitely help a little). Also it’s true what others have brought up that having PPD with G doesn’t mean you’ll have it with Yoshe, even if their births are identical. You can handle whatever happens, I know it.

Now for my story, which you can skip if you’re storied out (there are like 200 above mine) but read if you’re bored and trying to kill time. I had PROM like you, although mine was technically PPROM because I was still in my 37th week. We were totally unprepared (hospital bag not even packed), it was 3 a.m., my OB made me get to the hospital immediately, and b/c of the broken water and earliness and the slight fever I was running I wound up with an IV full of pitocin and antibiotics which meant being stuck laying down, not letting gravity do its job. My son was sunny-side up, and though he was born relatively fast (13 hours of labor and 45 mins of pushing) he came out gray and quiet. He scored a zero on his initial Apgar test. They showed him to me for literally 2 seconds before a neonatologist whisked him off to the NICU, where he stayed for a week.

My jealousy when I see people’s “first photo after birth” knows no bounds. We have no photos, because everything was hectic and terrifying. I didn’t get to hold him until a day later, and he was hooked up to tubes and wires and monitors. Leaving the hospital without my child, just holding a bunch of balloons and flowers, was a heartbreaking & gut-wrenching feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. With my next child, I want that magical moment where the baby comes out and cries loudly and everyone cheers and they put him/her on my chest and people snap photos and I sob with joy. But even if I get that moment, I’ve already thought about how guilty I’ll feel that there are no similar photos or memories from my son’s birth. A perfect second experience won’t make me forget my horrible first experience. Each child and birth is different. I know this comment isn’t really helpful, probably b/c I still harbor a lot of sadness about my own situation, but I just wanted to share. The part you wanted, the hard work and pushing and body doing what it’s supposed to thing, I got to some extent (minus the PPROM). But what happened after still sucked, as a previous poster hilariously put it, whale c*ck.

I wish the very best for you and B and Yoshe when it comes to her entry into the world. I can’t wait to see your beautiful daughter. Hugs and peace and happiness and serenity and love to you. And thanks for your honesty.

Kendra November 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

Wishing desperatley for something to say that could “help” what you’re going through. I truly have no words but felt compelled to write that I’m thinking of you…

Jeanne November 16, 2012 at 11:48 am

Yes, yes and yes. I can totally relate and understand your level of life shattering disappointment. It sucks! Sucks so hard that it is unfair to hear stories of the chosen ones who get to fully use the parts as described. My devastation with a c section is really pretty similar to yours. After four sections, four surgeries, four spinals, four sets of staples I can say that each birth can be different. I cried big awful tears after I heard I wouldn’t even be able to attempt a vbac after my first. I had dreamt for years about the strength and awesomeness to birth a baby. But that was not my path. My last birth was amazing. Just because you had a certain experience after your first does not mean it willl be the same for #2. I hope the same will apply to you.

Many hugs mama!

Karena November 16, 2012 at 11:48 am

Oh Amanda! I feel for you so much. I don’t have any words to make it better. All I can tell you is that between now and Monday, I will be praying for you. I know you aren’t religious, but that’s ok. I believe enough for the both of us and know that there is a plan and a reason, even if you can’t see it. But I will pray for a healthy baby and NO post partum depression. I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. You are superwoman and have overcome SO much. Thank you for all of your sharing.

DM's Mommy November 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Oh honey, we all respect you. Truly we do. And however you do things is how you do them and no one, certainly not me, can tell you it’s wrong. I was told that b/c I didn’t do a natural birth that I was not a real mother. That b/c I chose to have epidurals I wasn’t a real mother. Uh, did I give birth to two beautiful kids? Yes, so therefore I WAS a real mother. And I’d do it again WITH epidurals. AGAIN! I hate pain and I had some even with the epidurals b/c by the time I gave birth the damn things were wearing off and I wasn’t allowed to get more. But either way I was a real mom. And I know you’ll be fine. You’ll get through things w/the love and support of B, and G, and your family, and us here. And we’ll listen. And we’ll cry with you. And whatever else you need we’re here for you. Thank you for sharing.

Amanda November 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Little prayers and positive vibes being sent your way from the Midwest. Thinking of you every day right now!

Elizabeth November 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you and sending positive hippy/sparkle vibes your way. My wish for you is that you will go into labor naturally today. And most of all, I wish for you a healthy baby and that you don’t have to deal with PPD afterwards this time around. Post Partum Depression is a bitch.
9 months ago I had my baby girl 5 weeks before her due date by c-section. I had pre-eclampsia, and one of my numbers got out of wack, and despite the Dr. telling me earlier that day that I probably wouldn’t deliver until 37 weeks, she came back in and told me that we were doing a c-section in 30 minutes.
It was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever been through. I insisted on them doing an ultrasound right then to see if the baby (that was breech) had miraculously switched to head down and we could try just inducing. Of course she hadn’t. When Grace was born she was 4 lbs, 11 oz and had to go in the NICU. We were so lucky that she was really very healthy, just small and got to come home at 5 days old.
In the weeks that followed, I cried buckets about how sad I was about our birth experience. I blamed my doctor and felt like we probably could have kept my baby in to cook for another week and she wouldn’t have had to go the NICU at all. Nobody else understood how upset I was when I had this beautiful little baby and she was healthy, even if she was a little small.
At this point, I’ve come to terms with what happened. I honestly believe that my doctor did what she thought was best based on the information she had at the time. And I don’t know if something might have gone wrong if we had waited longer.
I do have hopes for a VBAC with a second pregnancy. I hope for a baby not in the breech position. I hope for a pre-eclampsia free pregnancy. And I think if I didn’t have those hopes, it would be really hard for me to think about having another baby.
I say all this to tell you that you are not alone. Everyone’s birth experience is different, but as moms we have a right to wish for a better experience in giving birth. You are bringing a life into the world. It’s totally justifiable that you want it to go the way you envision it.
I cannot wait to see pictures of your beautiful baby, see her in the incredible wardrobe you have no doubt accumulated, and hear your thoughts on being a mama to a little girl.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian November 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I’m so sorry for you and B that you might not have the birth that you’ve wanted. What is right for one person isn’t always right for the other, and I agree that posts like this are simply about hearing one another and respecting our differences. You are in pain right now, and that is all that matters.

I know myself and all your other readers will be thinking about you this weekend. Keep us posted. We’ll send you some glitter and Danny Tanner love through the internet.

Jessica November 16, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Thank you for this beautifully honest and touching post. There’s so much I want to say but I think the best I can offer is a little bit of hope. After being rushed down the hall for a false alarm emergency c-section, followed by two hours of unsuccessful pushing, when I got the news that I needed a c-section I was crushed. “Will I be able to hold him? What about skin-to-skin? What if I don’t feel anything when I meet him?” I was so scared that I would feel like a babysitter as you describe. Because this does happen, and I’m so sorry that it did for you and G. But here’s the hope: I didn’t feel that way, and we did have our moment. It was nine hours later when I got to see my beautiful son for the first time the next morning in the ICN. It wasn’t the moment I had imagined, but it was ours. Every birth is different, just like every pregnancy and every baby. My hope for you is that even if you don’t have the birth that you want and deserve, your little Yoshi surprises you, and you surprise yourself, when everything works out just fine anyway.

Andrea November 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Hi,
I’ve never commented here before but I just wanted to tell you that I get it. I had my first via c-section after being induced for high blood pressure and not dilating past a 2. With my second I wanted so.very.badly. to have a vbac. So, so, so badly. Like, hooked up to pitocin and having contractions for 22 hours, bad. I eventually dilated to a 2. Then I had a repeat section. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard as when they wheeled me down for that section. As a side note, my first was a boy and my second was a girl. I actually went on to have two more babies, both scheduled c-sections. It took a lot for me to get past the mourning of that perfect birth experience. It really did. I have honestly forgotten how badly it hurt until reading your update today. I’m sorry.
Now here’s where I get cheesy: my daughter is so incredible. She is 9 years old now and is in pretty much every way the little girl I have always wanted. (My other three are boys, also very much wanted, of course).
Let yourself grieve. That’s all you can do.
Good luck!

Nicole November 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Great post- your little ones are lucky to have a mom like you:)

Michelle November 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

As someone who really wanted to VBAC the second time and who was unable to do so, I completely understand your pain. Hope it goes well and your recovery is smooth.

Yaz November 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm

My cervix was high, dilated, and completely closed just like you described at my OB appointment when I was pregnant with my daughter. She even told me to prepare to be induced, bc it didn’t look like I was going to go into labor anytime soon. I went into labor that night! It literally means nothing, especially with your second baby.

Sara November 16, 2012 at 1:17 pm

With regards to the babysitting comment, I felt like that after my emergency c-section, but NOT my planned one. Driving to the hospital the morning of my planned c-section with my husband felt like a date. We were both so excited. Before surgery, I had an opportunity to discuss with the nurses and doctors exactly what I wanted (i.e. breastfeed asap) and they walked me through the procedure. Though it wasn’t the natural birth I had wanted, I did have elements of control over it that I didn’t have with the emergency c-section. After surgery, I was apart from the baby from about 45 minutes, then he nursed and everything was great. I was standing up 12 hours after surgery and we were home in two days. I recovered so quickly, maybe because I was mentally prepared for it. I had to keep reminding myself to take it easy. Sometimes I still regret that I couldn’t have a natural birth, but I breastfed both my babies for over a year, which I think is more important in the long run. Good luck to you.

Tracy November 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Your post brought me to tears. I just want you to know that I have a great deal of respect for you, and I appreciate how honest you are with your feelings.

Nurit November 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I’m sorry you are going through such emotional turmoil over this. I have to say though, having gone through a vaginal birth, I felt the same way as you. I also felt like I was just babysitting my daughter after having given birth to her. I don’t know if it’s because there were complications and she had to spend her first week in the hospital or what. But when I got home with her it was really hard for me to get my head around the fact that this was actually *my* baby. I couldn’t give her back to anybody. It didn’t matter that I had housed this child in my uterus for 9+ months, it all just felt surreal. I have to wonder though if the second baby will feel the same way to you. Having been through the experience of bringing G home and not feeling the “connection” that you think you are supposed to feel, maybe this time around you will because even though it took a while to get there, you now know what motherhood feels like.

Theresa P November 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I am so very sorry. But I thank you for being so honest. Mostly, I thank you for bringing up the fact that we should all have respect for each other regardless of our choices or situations. Like you said, you came to your wants and ideas because of your experiences, and all of our experiences are our own. The mom wars are so weird to me, and I don’t understand why somebody wouldn’t want to uplift another mother (who is obviously doing the best darn job they can) instead of tear another down. It just makes no sense to me, and I thank you for pointing that out and making it clear. I’ve had a lot of struggles as a mom so far because of things not turning out as planned, and it really gives me relief to hear you be so honest about similar struggles. I pray that everything goes as smoothly as possible for you and can’t wait to see your beautiful baby girl!

Christina Marie November 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Good luck MODG! Sending you ALL of the happy vibes for spontaneous birth this weekend :)

Tori November 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I am so sorry MODG. I hope that, regardless of what happens, you will feel a sense of peace and happiness. Much love to you.

Amy November 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

My heart hurts for you. I don’t know what it’s like to feel this kind of disappointment but I can imagine it’s devastating. However, until you’re in the OR this COULD still happen for you…right? So have some super spicy Thai, get a prenatal massage and tell the massuse to do everything they’re NOT supposed to do to induce labor on you…so get like a reverse prenatal massage…and then go home and tell B to take one for the team and do ya good. If the inevitable really is inevitable, then one up-side is that Sweet Baby Girl will have a perfectly shaped head. However, I get why you’re upset…and I’m so proud of you for expressing it in such a beautiful way. Good luck with whatever the next few days bring…but I’m secretly not giving up hope just yet.

Alli November 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

LOVE this. LOVE your honesty. LOVE that you explained it all. what is sad is that you felt you had to do that, knowing all of those that would judge you and completely not get it. I didn’t go through what you are, yet from the last post I understood what you were feeling. I know I would have been the same way. I dealt with postpartum depression with both of my kids and you nailed it right on the head when you said it felt like babysitting when you were in the hospital. I had friends tell me how when they looked their baby in the eyes, there was an instant connection. I thought there was somehting wrong with me when I didn’t get that. I was happy to have my baby and hold her, but it was different. You might have helped someone in the future just from what you said in this post. She reads it, then months or years into the future and she has a baby and feels the same way, she will remember what you said and not feel so strange and alone about it. You rock, and your Yoshi will rock. She’s one stubborn baby, but through her, you have already learned so much. Best wishes to you from Texas.

Elizabeth November 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I wish I could “like” comments like on FB:) There are so many encouraging responses. So here’s mine!

I had to have an emergency C, my son was put in NICU, I was discharged from the hospital and had to deal with the incredible depression of leaving without my baby, and to boot my breast milk didn’t want to come in correctly because of my pre-eclampsia. Period I was disappointed in myself. I felt broken too. I get it MODG and truly there are many of us out there that get this feeling. But rest assured that there are many of us out there that are going to encourage you and say “Hey! No matter how your baby is born, your baby is still your baby!” and your going to to think in your head (or out loud) “Hey! Shut the F UP!! I’m still feeling like shit!” And that’s ok cause we still understand:)

Meghann November 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I wish I could read all the comments, but I’m on nap time, so my time is limited here. I apologize if this has been said like a million times already!
Would it be possible to have a more gentle c-section birth? I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but I read a while back on a VBAC site about a woman who ended up having to have another c/s and she was able to still do some of the things that were normally only allowed during vag births. Would it be possible to see if your doctor would allow this?
I googled gentle CBAC and found some great birth stories.
For me (emergency c/s because of a stubborn sunny-side up boy) the worst part was not getting to see/hold him right after the birth. I am hoping also to try for a VBAC, but I will also plan better this time in case it isn’t possible.
BIG hugs mama!

Liz November 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Sending hugs to you MODG. I have been exactly where you are. I read your post to my hubby and said, “See, I am not the only one who felt this way about having a VBAC.” One thing my experiences with trying for a VBAC after 2 csections taught me is that everyone has something they are going through and it is so important, as you said, to respect that we all have struggles. I will be praying for you to have peace with whatever happens, and also that your doctors have the wisdom to help you achieve the best possible birth experience for you and little Yoshe. And prayers for an open cervix wont hurt either!!

Hallie November 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I had planned for a vbac too with #2 and it failed after 12 hrs of labor (he had big shoulders – or as the dr said, baby too big, hole too tight- i tried to take that as a compliment), so in I went for a c-section which was MUCH easier bc I knew what to expect and then when the baby arrived i knew what to do (bc… he was #2)! Which helped – a lot! I had some post partum but it was a fraction of what it was with my first and i also KNEW that that was the deal – i get post partum, but its not forever. And I did have some issues at first with feeling close to #2 BUT those feelings went away!! and IM OBSESSED with my #2 – obsessed, he is the sweetest most darling little angel. You have a few great things going for you – you know what to expect (with c-section & baby), you will be breast feeding- which pumps out oxytocin like crazy AND the most amazing thing of all – you are having a GIRL!!! omg – a girl a girl a girl – you are so lucky!!! *** Im sure your hippy friends have filled you in but make sure you have a serious strength pro-biotic on hand at the hospital – you and #2 (through breast milk) will need those immediately. I would also look into seeing a pediatric chiropractor/certified cranial sacral therapist as well just as a second set of eyes for wellness checkups – i love mine, she has had great advice and has helped with #2 ‘s ear infection issues (no antibioitcs – just adjustments). and again – i PROMISE the 2nd time around is not nearly as traumatic – also ask for dermabond intead of staples and stitches if possible – made a huge difference for me mentally, it didnt actually LOOK like i had surgery with the dermabond. good luck – know we are all thinking of you!!!

Rachel November 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

You have like hundreds of moms/prego’s/women loving & praying over you and Yoshe right now! That is so incredible. You may have to grieve this loss of VBAC again, and it’s impossible to compare it to anything else. Even comprehending HOW to grieve is difficult. Counseling sessions post delivery would offer some help! In the meantime you have the enormous task of simultaneous grieving/preparing for something that will ask everything of you… even though 80% of religion is weird to me as well, I encourage you to pray and ask for strength and help. You are created and loved, Yoshe is created and loved. Pray you will be equipped for the job that lay ahead.

Lessons in Life and Light November 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

As I mourned the loss of my birth plan due to a very scarred up cervix thanks to a prior D&C, the one thing that helped me get through it was this: I DID accomplish the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is the safest, healthiest possible. Everyone’s safe and healthy birth looks different, depending on the circumstances.

I am so very sorry that things are not looking like they are going to play out in your favor at this point. But you still have almost three full days to go. A lot can happen. Keep trying; walk, try Evening Primrose inserted in your you-know-where, try some herbs, do squats, have some orgasms, etc. That way, if Monday rolls around and you have to do the c/s, at least you can say you gave it your all.

Either way, you’ve got this, mama. Your birth will still be so beautiful and so special. I’m here for you. Let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel right now, ok?

Steff November 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I am reading your post while my 10 month old son is napping, and I am absolutely sobbing. Since the day he was born via C-section, after an attempted home birth ( 3 days of labor, 10 hours at 9 cm, then hospital transfer), I have hoped and dreamed for a vaginal birth if we are blessed with another baby. I so wanted this for you as well. I am so sorry.

Christa November 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Oh hey MODG,
Beautiful post. And you have a beautiful family and Yoshe will be a beautiful addition no matter what, and I know that you know that. I can’t speak to your sadness because I’m not you, but I get it. But don’t give up hope. You have 3ish days to go to your happy place and stay there, and just see what happens. You got through pp depression once, and you will again if you need to. But don’t give up now. Aaaaand no matter what happens G is gonna look dynamite cutie killer in those baby scrubs on Monday. **Good juju** your way.
Christa

Hollie November 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I totally feel you. My first was delivered naturally, but I almost bled out and needed emergency surgery afterwards, so for 12 hours, I didn’t get to hold and nurse my baby. My second came in a HUGE rush and a month early- and was taken away to NICU for for FIVE DAYS “monitoring”. I don’t even SEE him for 8 hours (no one would take me to the NICU) and didn’t nurse him til 20. I went home for 3 days without him. And I had the EXACT SAME FEELING of babysitting some random cute baby. Actually, I referred to it as a “labor intensive science project.” It’s awful to not feel that connection to your baby. Good luck, MODG, the only way out is through. I hope you have a joyful week :)

Amy@drivethirtythree November 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

i could go on and on in this comment….but i’ll keep it short and sweet.

big.. BIG bear hugs to you. You’ll get through this and have a beautiful little lady to hold. you can do this, even if it isn’t the way you were hoping it would go..and you will rock.

Lisa November 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Keep in mind, every birth is different. Just like every baby is different, every hormonal reaction is different…. Sending you and your parts much love and prayers for everything to go smoothly, and for a healthy, happy mom and baby next week. In regards to wanting to really live out the natural birth, screaming, huffing and puffing part of having a baby… maybe consider taking up a competative sport? Really, you’d get the same mental drive out of it, same type of glorification… Lots of them that don’t require running (I HATE RUNNING)!!! XOXOXOXO

Ashley November 16, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I’m in a similar situation. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with a breech baby. I was hoping for a VBAC but I’m really beginning to doubt that will happen because this child doesn’t want to turn he stays in the same position always.

It’s hard to come to terms with being unable to do things some women can do so easily. Especially if you have been preparing your whole pregnancy for this ideal birth. I haven’t been preparing because I have horrible luck and nothing ever goes the way I plan. I hope that it goes in your favor it can happen. Maybe being told you have to have a c-section your body will kick itself and do the business!

Casey November 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I have 2 girls, both vag deliveries. For that I am thankful, and I am sorry you have to go through a c-section again. However, due to Hypoplastic breasts I am unable to breastfeed. Something I really, really wanted and knowing I could never nourish my own child is heartbreaking. Sure, formula sustains life, but it’s not what every mother wants. Just wanted to chime in with some “I hear ya” even if it isn’t surgery related. Best wishes.

Kallie November 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Modgery. I’m sorry you’re facing this. My son was born much in the same way G was (tried the natural, ended up with the c-section). I’d just like to point out that you even have an OPTION for a VBAC, because I didn’t for my daughter. My hospital refuses to consider it and the closest hospital that did was 4 hours away. Not only can you have a VBAC, you can do it with your midwife by your side- they aren’t allowed in my hospital. SERIOUSLY. Rejoice in that. So I had two c-sections, and I mourned the loss of giving birth and my girlfriends acted like I was nuts.
I just want to say that there’s so much more to all this than which hole our kids come out of. How you give birth doesn’t define you as a parent; if it did then dads and adoptive parents would all be worthless and we know they’re not. I support your right to mourn- I’m still mourning the births I never gave and my kids are 2+ and 1- but I don’t want you to wallow or to criminalize yourself. My sister can’t get pregnant, so when I focus on that, my having to deliver my peanuts via c-sections doesn’t seem like such a bad deal in the end.
Love will make the difference, Modg. You’ll be okay.

Kelly November 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Ican absolutely relate and know how hard this is for you! My second is two weeks old now, and at my 39 week appointment I was told that things were not looking good for my hoped VBAC and that I was unlikely to go into labor, so I was more than likely facing a repeat C. 6 hours later, I was in labor! Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out as I hoped and I ended up with a repeat C anyway. I cried at the call my doctor had to make. I cried throughout the surgery. And I cried afterwards. I am thankfully and happy for a beautiful healthy little man who I love to pieces. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t morn the lost of the birth experience that I had desperately hoped for. Thus I hope with all my heart that the stars align and your wish of a successful VBAC comes true. Best of luck! Don’t lose hope! You all will be in my thoughts over these coming days!

Sara from No Purple Walls November 16, 2012 at 7:59 pm

This was so emotional to read. I only had my c-section less than three months ago, but I am already really anxious about my next baby and how it will go. I really hope that everything goes as positive for you as it can. Good luck, mama. No matter what happens, you’ve been a damn trouper.

Jessica November 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Im going for a VBAC too.. 38 weeks right now.. Was wondering if you have tried evening primrose oil? It is supposed to help your cervix prepare for birth? If you havnt you should google it. And good luck!!!! I hope it works out for you, I truely understand how you feel!!

cari November 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I just wanted to send you lots and lots of hugs. I had a c-section with my first and hope for all of the same reasons to have a VBAC with my 2nd. I have had some people say some hurtful things to me about this because they will never understand where I am coming from. I hope you are able to get your VBAC, but if not, I hope that you are able to move past the c-section. Hugs again mama!

Marie November 16, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I’m so sorry. People always said to me, “the most important thing is a healthy baby.” Yes. That IS the most important thing, but it’s not the only important thing. Birth matters. Take some time to mourn this loss. Best wishes on meeting your daughter and your settling-in phase!

Joanie November 16, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Dear Modg, B & G –
Everything’s gonna be allright.
Allright.
With all good respect to everyone else and varied opinions and hippie this and worry about that… Please trust this from one who may be your oldest fan…
Everythings gonna be allright.
Allright.
You, my dear, know just what is right for you and your family.
I’m old. But you are wiser and more honest.
Know the world has high expectations for Amanda’s family.
I can’t wait to see the good you’ll do for us all.
Blessings and oxo’s and Aunie Joanie love.

Katie @ mommy brain blog November 16, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I am sending you lots of good vibes. I hope Yoshe makes her debut this weekend, but no matter when she comes out to introduce herself, I hope everything goes smoothly.

Stephanie November 16, 2012 at 10:21 pm

I wish you the best, no matter what happens. And if you don’t get what you are hoping for, I know that you will make the best of it – I can tell from reading you since the beginning that you aren’t one to let something keep you down for long. I keep reading your blog because of your honesty. You could have very easily painted this whole thing in pretty pastel colors and wrote posts like you were fine. But you let us all know the raw, reality of it. And as someone that reads your blog because she has been struggling with the concept of even having a baby, I appreciate that. I ask most moms about having a kid and I get this sugar coated, pixie dusted version of motherhood, which I know is BS. Take satisfaction in knowing that when I do make a decision, I make it with education and not bias, because you throw bias under the bus and tell it like it is. I thank you for that, and know that I hope more than anything that you can have what you want, but know that even if you can’t you have the strength to make it what you need.

Laura November 16, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Oh, Amanda, I can totally understand the desire for a vaginal birth. I have never commented on your blog, but have been a reader for several months now and appreciate your wit and sarcasm. I am a mother as well as a physician, and walk the fine line between my medical education and my desire to mother naturally. We cloth diaper but we also vaccinate on schedule. I have a lot of friends who give birth at home and also a lot of friends in the medical field. My medical friends couldn’t understand my obsession with having a vaginal birth, and my hippie friends couldn’t understand why I’d have my baby in the hospital. I know a lot of people will tell you that no matter HOW your baby arrives, having a healthy baby is most important. Yes, this is important, but I also believe that HOW the baby arrives has a huge impact emotionally, as well as physically. So even though your baby will likely arrive via C/S and not VBAC, and even though all of those that say “a healthy baby is what matters” are right, I want to encourage you to let yourself grieve the loss of a VBAC and the birth you wanted and planned for. You should absolutely choose the option that is safest for your child, of course, but you are allowed to grieve that it’s not what you really truly wanted. Your relationship with your child will be better for allowing your true feelings to be recognized and indulged, for a bit. Perhaps that will help move you past the “babysitting” feeling. Then you can set your disappointment aside, and focus on the miracle in front of you. I hope you are able to have your VBAC after all. And can’t wait to see pics of your little princess.

Sarah Jane November 16, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I can definitely relate to you!!! While I did not have post-partum depression, I did not get the birth with our son that I wanted. I was induced,got an epidural, labored 18hrs, and then had an emergency c-section. They had to stop my c-section and re-numb me because I felt them cutting me. We haven’t gotten preggo yet (that is a long story but the short version is last yr we started ttc and found out that dh had testicular cancer. He underwent 2 surgeries and 3 rounds of chemo.) and have been trying for over a year. And I’m hoping beyond hope that I will get to have a vbac. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Courtney November 16, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Amanda,

As a woman who had a miscarriage at 15 weeks and can no longer have children of her own, there’s not much I can say to help, as I can’t relate to the birth aspect. However, please know I get it and I’m thinking of you now.

You can do this.

We are all here for you.

You can do this. You can.

Much love.

Christy W. November 16, 2012 at 11:56 pm

I am the mother of a 2 yr old (natural birth) and 1 yr old (emergency c-section). Been reading your blog for about 6 months now, and it’s the only blog i’ve ever read or enjoyed. Thank you for being real. I can relate to you. I find myself lately sending you a lot of positive thoughts, mainly because i feel like i understand some of what your going through. I died inside when i was told a week before my due date with my 2nd, that i had to have a c-section. Us mothers have hard roads sometimes, and we have to realize that everyone’s is different and unique. I wish for you all the best and hope you find the peace you need.

Erika November 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

I’ve been thinking about you since you posted this. I’m wishing I could offer something insightful but I mostly just feel compelled to say that I’m at the very least the 329th person sending you positive thoughts and vibes. Thanks for helping us all think a little more broadly about the birth experience and keeping our judgement of others at bay. Baby girl is lucky to have such a smart, funny, deep, and caring mom.

Gracie November 17, 2012 at 12:50 am

MODGie MODG! Major hippie granola sparkles coming your way. You are NOT broken! You are an amazing beautiful mom who is carrying a second baby to extra-full term. I don’t know you but I love your blog and therefore love you, and I think about this everyday. I hope so much that you will be able to have your VBAC. I think there is something to what the other readers who have had a repeat C have been saying – that if you know what you’re in for it may not be as horrible. I don’t know, but I hope so very much because none of us want to see you go through postpartum again, but if you do, all of us creepy internet lovers will be here to support you and get you through it. Oh, and so will your husband and family and real life friends. Again, I hope so hard for your VBAC, but I also hope so hard that if a repeat C happens you will still be able to realize your awesomeness, and I have a feeling that you will. Look forward to the bright, happy moments with your daughter and DO NOT punish yourself for something that is out of your control!
Side note – if the VBAC does happen, you better pull that girl out like Kourtney Kardashian.
GO MODG!

Claire November 17, 2012 at 1:40 am

How I wish 3x you have the birth that you want… My heart goes out to you and Yoshe. Quoting Penny Simkin herself, “Be the mammal that you are!” You are not broken! Your body already are perfect. Just be.

Jen November 17, 2012 at 7:59 am

I don’t know you at all, yet I am constantly checking for updates on your birth experience. I am rooting for you. You see, I feel like you have already won. You went ahead with pregnancy number 2 despite everything that you experienced with pregnancy number 1. You are far better than me. Here I sit next to my 13 month old, wanting to go ahead with another pregnancy, but I am so terrified to experience anything remotely close to what I experienced with him. I am stuck in my fear. Hyperemesis gravidarum, a horrific 2 day long induced labor, a near deadly csection, and postpartum anxiety…needless to say things did not go well for me. So, I can relate to you. You are my hero. And you give me hope.

Alycia November 17, 2012 at 8:10 am

I read your post and felt your pain so inwardly, I tried so hard for a natural birth with both my girls, finding myself pregnant again has brought back many feelings that are tough to deal with. Even knowing my OB won’t let me try for a VBAC2 I find myself searching stories of women who have done it. I cannot relate to the depression afterwards but I know that had to make it horrible for you. I witnessed that with my sister-in-law, and her first child, she has had PPD horribly, but her next two births were amazing even though one pregnancy was filled with trials, she never suffered from PPD again. Each birth is different, I really hope for you no matter the birth experience you have that you will not have to struggle with PPD.

Andi November 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Sigh…first off, my heart breaks for you. I have been exactly where you are and it sucks. All the energy and the emotions that you spend for nine months just feel like they were worth nothing and yes, you feel broken like you’re not a complete woman if you can’t birth the way that Mother Nature intended. What I want to share with you is that my “failed VBAC” is now a sixteen year old boy/man and the way that he was born isn’t so upsetting anymore. The hurt and shame and anger and blame ( it was my f’ing male doctors fault since he did not understand, I thought at the time)…..it all faded. What’s there now instead is just a real peace that my body DID work the way it was supposed to….it grew two amazing, healthy babies and that is a gift that not all get to experience. Big hugs to you and I pray that Yoshi brings you peace….

sonya November 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

the way you bared your heart here is one of the most beautiful things i can think of in the whole wide world.

Marla November 17, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Modg – My heart goes out to you and B, sending so much positive energy and thoughts your way. Whichever way this little one makes her entrance into the world, she is blessed with a wonderful mother.

Your last post was so moving and beautiful. I, however, didn’t pick the right time to read it…in a bus of strangers….sobbing. But hey, I got a free Kleenex!

viridian61 November 17, 2012 at 6:18 pm

No I don’t know what you are going through, but I support you in your journey. There’s a lesson somewhere, but where?
Viridian, infertile at 39 so now adoptive mother of 3 ( pain there too)

Rachel November 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. the very end of pregnancy is pretty godawful under the best circumstances. I do have one hopeful thing for you though – I know how important a natural birth is to you and I can’t speak to that, never having had one, but I can tell you that not all c-sections and resulting postpartum crap are the same. my first baby was an emergency cesarean after a fun filled week of preeclampsia, induction, and useless labor. it was so painful and traumatic and I had horrible postpartum depression and anxiety that took years to get under control. so when baby #2 came along nobody was interested in a repeat performance so we just scheduled a c-section for 39 weeks. I don’t know if they would’ve let me try for a vbac if I’d fought hard enough or not. but it was fine. really fine. and the whole babysitting feeling only lasted maybe an hour, tops. and she is perfect. and the only baby blues I had were the typical meltdown you have a few days postpartum where you realize she won’t be a baby forever and it’s just. not. fair. that you can’t just sit there and hold her for the rest of your life, just like that. so even if your delivery isn’t what you want, that doesn’t mean you’ll have the same experience you did last time. still hoping she decides to come out on her own for you though!

Isabella November 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I hope I am not posting this in vain, and that you read this before any serious action happens. LAY DOWN WITH YOUR MAN AND MAKE SWEET LOVE! At this stage of your pregnancy, sex is an amazing and easy way to get the labor train to leave the station. I’m speaking from experience. My water broke an hour or so after intercourse, and that in itself is an amazing natural thing in this day and age (almost all doctors want to break the bag themselves). Think of this sex as a beautiful circle back to how baby came to be 41 weeks ago, what could be more natural? I think it can definitely help your body physically and chemically prepare for labor.
Best wishes

ginger November 17, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Normal childbirth through the regular sparkly vajayjay way can still end in depression and scars, emotional ones. So whatever way you end up having your amazing and lovely girly baby, may in not end in depression because scars will fade with time. Depression is something that hurts in so many different and more intense ways. Sparkles and unicorns to you and your Yoshe. I know she’ll be all you ever wanted, even if it’s not how you wanted. xoxo

Lauren November 17, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Hello, I just wanted to tell you I went through the same thing and was so upset as I ran out of time for my VBAC. I badly wanted a VBAC, spend countless time researching it, but after no signs of labor or progress, at 40w6d I had a repeat c-section. The one thing that made me feel better was making a birth plan for my scheduled c-section. The second c-section was a totally different experience than the c-section of my twins. I asked for it to be as natural a delivery as possible in a surgical setting, and the staff complied with ALL of my requests. My darling son did not leave my side in the OR, recovery, and left my room twice with my permission after. My husband was with me the whole time (even during the spinal), he announced our baby’s gender, I nursed in the recovery room (could have in OR but I was too shaky), I delayed eye ointment and bath and he never went to the nursery. My recovery was so much easier than the first c-section, and I was out of the hospital in less than 48 hours (at my request). Anyway, try to make a birth plan for the c-section, honestly it made a huge difference for our birth experience! I did mine the night before since I was holding out until the last minute. Good luck :)

Melisssa November 18, 2012 at 9:20 am

Respect.

Sending much love and light to you and your new babe xx

Jessica November 18, 2012 at 9:53 am

I just wanted to say I understand so much how you are feeling. I just had my first baby, and planned to have him naturally. 48 hours into labor, my midwife broke it to me that I’d need a c-section as my son’s heart rate was dropping, I had a fever and my water had been broken for over 24 hrs. The whole thing was very traumatic. Its been 3 weeks since my son was born via c-section and if I think about the whole ordeal I could cry right now–its just not how I wanted the experience. Hang in there, you’ll get through it because you have to, but give yourself permission to mourn the loss of a natural delivery. My heart definitely goes out to you.

Hugs,
Jessica

Kim November 18, 2012 at 10:49 am

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I fear that I will soon be sharing this path you are on and it is very encouraging to know I’m not alone in my feelings about not getting my vbac too. I look forward to reading your next post to see how your doing, I’ll be thinking of you and praying that this experience is better for you than the first time.

Dawn November 18, 2012 at 11:02 am

Hi,
Sitting here in tears. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl on the 8th. I had attended childbirth classes, did Hypnobabies, highlighted relaxation techniques from the Bradley Method and was hoping to have as close as a natural birth experience as possible. I went into labor on Wednesday in the morning and by midnight contractions were intense enough that I was ready to head in. I was so excited…I was two days early and while the pain was more than I had imagined my husband and I worked thru each. We went in on Thursday morning at 4cm. I labored slowly throughout the day and watched as each of my goals slipped away. First, I finally gave in to the epidudral (thanks to a sunny side up baby) then because labor began to stall was hooked up to Pitocen. I was 10cm for over 2 hours hoping a “high” baby would labor down. When this was unsuccessful I pushed for 2.5 hours. I pushed so hard I have broken blood vessels in my eyes. Finally, they said I would need to have an emergency C-Section.
I have been mourning this loss – this failure – to get so close to the goal of having her naturally and then to have her cut out of me. To struggle with a recovery that I was not prepared for. I understand completely. I am beyond grateful to have this healthy and truly beautiful little girl, but I have never mourned something like this before and feel a sadness that should never be connected to a birth.
I’m sorry that this is so long – and kind of depressing. I haven’t really talked about it, but I have been following you forever and to see that you are going thru something similiar I wanted to share. To wish you luck and to hope you have a beautiful and healthy little girl.

Sprinklewho? November 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

With my daughter, I had this terrific, super hippie all natural birth planned out but then I woke up in labor at 32 weeks and knew that everything I had hoped for was gone. I also happen to live on an island that is in no way equipped to deal with a birth that early so I was shipped to Boston and laid in bed for 8 days in labor (lightly) not dialating until they cut her right out of me. She was deathly ill for a really long time, and looking back, I was just holding my shit together until we got a semi-clean bill of health from her doctors and then I went off the deep end and had to be institutionalized for 6 weeks. I was unable to breast feed because my body told itself she had died (she almost did after birth. Long story) so it cut off milk production much to my dismay and having to answer to complete strangers why I was bottle feeding my child was only adding to the devastation. What you said about feeling like you were just babysitting your child makes so much sense because that’s exactly what it felt like. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you’re strong and you’ll get through this. xoxox

Mrs. W November 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Having a reasonable expectation that what you want to happen (your ideal birth) might not happen is healthy – you are managing your own expectations and terrifyingly, letting go of something you want so badly. I come from the flip side – wanting a CAVB and the lead up to the actual birth was hard. My body was doing everything yours isn’t and I was dreading the potential of going through another vaginal delivery that I did not want. I did everything to avoid a vaginal delivery – but at the same time, and perhaps the hardest thing for me to do, was that in the event I couldn’t avoid what I did not want, was work on how I could make that circumstance better should it happen. It was hard because it felt like I was accepting that possibility, however it was very neccessary work. At the end – I knew that even if I didn’t get the CAVB that the VB I would experience would be as good as it could be for me and there was some peace with that. I ultimately did get my CAVB and it was awesome – but I’d like to think that if it hadn’t happened for whatever reasone that maybe I would have still avoided the trauma associated with my first VB by being able to do what I could to make it a better experience this time around.

So given that, what can you do to make the experience of having a healthy baby in whatever way ultimately proves to be neccessary, a better experience for you?

All the best.
Mrs. W.

Elizabeth November 18, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I’m confused. CAVB? I’ve googled it and there’s nothing. If it stands for cesarean after vaginal birth I’m confused. How would your post be encouraging to MODG? Considering what she’s going through it’s probably difficult to understand how someone would choose a csection.

Jen November 19, 2012 at 12:09 am

“This post wasn’t so Jane in Oklahoma cancels her scheduled C section because she is so enlightened now. It’s so Jane stops judging Judy who wants a natural birth and Judy stops judging Jane.”

Mrs. W November 19, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Elizabeth – my post is that women for whatever reason sometimes desire a specific mode of delivery and when that doesn’t appear like it will happen, that it’s hard and that they have to do what they can to make what might happen as palatable as possible.

For someone who chooses a cesarean, it’s sometimes difficult to understand why somebody would choose a vaginal birth, but it definitely is not hard to understand why not getting the mode of delivery your heart is set on is hard. At least the original poster has had some forewarning and can prepare herself to make it the best CS for herself possible….

Beth November 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm

MODG, I am hoping and praying that, as today is the day before your “go day,” you are feeling super excited about meeting your baby girl, and even a sense of peace and contentment about the way she may arrive. I truly hope you feel encouraged and supported in your decisions. I too (like so many of your readers), share your desire of looking to natural remedies and ways of living, and I too shared your feelings of loss when I went through the experience of a c-section. Reading through all of the stories shared by your readers, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness for all of us. So many of us have had to feel the disappointment of our passions not lining up with the hand we’re dealt during the birthing process. For me, who had this whole plan of natural birth, I also felt shame for the decisions I made (epidural) and even pissed off for the smart decisions my midwife made on my/my child’s behalf (c-section). When I allow myself to be honest with myself (and you), it was a really difficult blow to my sense of identity after I “failed” in childbirth. Why? I hate that some of us who have been saved by medical interventions have to feel like we failed! It is true that our bodies are meant for natural birthing. But it is also true that many, many women and babies did not, and still do not, survive the natural birthing process. It is no surprise that during this time we are all living, may of us will continue to experience c-sections. And you have been such an inspiration to us by seeking out a VBAC, including me who is also hoping for one, because it is good for us all to explore all of our safe options. But even more than that, I want you to know what a POSITIVE example you have been to us over the past week. Thank you for doing the small things, like just mentioning your openness to an epidural. Some of us make it through without one. And some of us don’t—dude, that shit hurts!!! And some of us are so legalistic with our hippiness that we want an epidural so freaking bad but our pride gets in our way. And, thank you for doing the big things. Like proving you understand when to trust your medical professional’s advice and do what is best for you and your unborn daughter. Because you do have choices you could explore. You could choose not to show up tomorrow and ignore your midwife’s preferences. You could chose to be so set in your desire for a VBAC that you decide not to go to a hospital and labor in the bathtub and fulfill your hopes of being like the chicken and egg in your picture (that was so funny). In a nutshell, you could chose to sacrifice you and your daughter’s best interests. And let’s be honest, this happens in the natural community sometimes. So thank you so much—you are truly doing good work right now and showing us all what it really means to be a good mom.

Jen November 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I get it. I do.

I had a c section and It took me about 7 months to come to terms with it. And I still tear up when I see a woman get her new baby placed on her chest on those stupid birth shows.

I may never get that moment, due to my age and some exisiting fertility problems.

I am sorry for the loss of the birth you desired. I truly do understand.

kal November 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm

In the doula group I belong to we had a long talk one day about how birth is romanticized in out culture. We all talked about our birth experiences – the good/the bad – what we’d hoped for and what we’d experienced. Yes, a healthy baby is the ultimate goal for any parent, but the way we get there matters too. Birth is a powerful and emotional, and when you don’t experience it on your terms I think it’s important to mourn that. It’s hard to suddenly veer off course when you have a path that you really want to follow. Take your time to feel; it might take awhile to accept.

I hope this weekend brings labor. If not, I hope Monday brings you a healthy little girl and a way to find peace.

Rachel November 18, 2012 at 9:02 pm

I am sending so much love to you right now, I am so sorry.

Beth November 19, 2012 at 9:19 am

Reading the back story of your current dilemma it sounds awfully familiar with my first birth. My baby was 10 days late and I was in the hospital for 13 hours trying to get an induction. My cervix went from 1 to 0 then back to 1 all during the 13 hours. I was making no progress at all, which was completely frustrating. I wouldn’t say I had my heart set on a vaginal delivery, I just wanted to meet my baby. The doctor came in to check me once again and told me that either I could get the c-section now or come back on Saturday to try the induction again. The doctor also told me that the induction would most likely fail and I would end up having a c-section no matter what. I kind of felt that my hands were tied at that point and just said let’s have the C-section. My husband was exhausted, I was tired and we felt that there was no hope at having anything normal about delivering our baby. After the doctors left I began to throw up, I don’t know if it was from the nervousness of having another surgery, or becoming a mom, or a reaction to the pitossin. Maybe a little bit of all three. The baby came out healthy, happy, and perfect. I’m pregnant again and the doctor told me that I have a choice of what kind of delivery I want to have. I always assumed that since I had a c-section, I would have another one. I’m so hesistant to make my decision because like you, I don’t want to have my heart set on something and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. So I guess we will see happens in May. I pray and hope that your delivery goes smoothly and that you don’t have any PPD after the birth of your baby.

Elizabeth November 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Wow! I can’t imagine how incredibly difficult this post was to write. Thank you.

Nicole November 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Just read your post. It sounds like you are exhausted, but if you are willing to try one last thing. Please call Jacqui Pilla (a birth from within) http://www.abirthwithin.com/about/
She is amazing and it really works. She will help you over the phone. Good Luck! The fact that you care so much about your birthing experience tells me you are a fantastic mother. Best of luck!

colleen November 19, 2012 at 11:11 pm

i am the 2005 you right now. i’m not pregnant or a mom and while i think about having kids i’m not sure how much how it comes out of my body will matter tons to me. i lean towards the natural way, but in my family i’ve seen babies born with many problems and so, i think, however they get out of there healthy, amen to that. but reading this post i desperately want that natural birth (which i know from facebook you didn’t get). because while we all want different things in different ways we’re all human – i can relate to wanting something so bad and watching your body betray you and feeling desperate. i am so sorry you didn’t have the experience you wanted. i hope that since you’ve been through it you feel more prepared but i also think that sounds naiive. but as time goes on i hope you and your baby girl fall madly in love with each other and she is beyond lucky to have a women like you to guide her through life – she is seriously amazingly lucky. i hope you two are enjoying your first night together.

Tracy November 19, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I wish we could get away from the idea that a c-section is “unnatural.” What I would give to have one healthy, living baby; to mourn the loss of a birth experience, not the loss of a baby.

Emily M. November 26, 2012 at 6:08 pm

So I’m late posting this, but I hope your c-section was as great as mine was. I had a very supportive doctor and a great hospital and we drew up a birth plan for my c-section (planning due to some other major issues I have) just like a natural birth. I could see over the drape as she was being born and they literally put her straight onto my chest, which was wonderful, and then one of the doctors grabbed our camera and started taking pictures while me and my husband bonded over our new baby girl. They didn’t weigh or measure or bathe her until we were ready (8 or 9 hours later) and we were left alone in our room as much as we wanted in between checkups. They also let me stand and walk as soon as I was ready (I knew from previous surgery that was crucial to recovery) and pulled my cath within hours at my request. I know a lot of people have c-sections that don’t involve any of these things and that makes me incredibly sad, since I think I still had a moving and intimate birth experience even in an OR and I’d hate for someone to miss that because they needed a c-section.

Sonia November 29, 2012 at 10:21 pm

I had a necessary c section with my first and a CBAC with my second due to “failure to progress”. I can relate to what you’re experiencing. I’m hoping that if we have more I can attempt a VBA2C. We’ll see. So all that to say, I get it and I get you. Much love.

Wendy December 24, 2012 at 7:36 am

I admit that when I started reading this post I was the who cares the baby is healthy person. It is a huge compliment, or I intend for it to be, for you to be able to express something in a way that removes bias or prejudice…something we are often guilty of although we tend to be blind to it…not only did you word things in a way that made me instantly realize that it’s a healthy baby is just as much of a judgment as anything else but this is also the first time I have read this sort of birth story and actually been able to understand why VBACs that don’t happen are devastating. It was when you described it, a c section that is, as being surgery and then handed a baby to babysit. That is what resonated with me! I don’t know that this post would have resonated before I had my baby…I had him vaginally…barely, apparently I have a very small birth canal, and I know when they were discussing forceps, vacuuming, and emergency c sections I felt desperate to push him out somehow. I wound up with a really long episiotomy, under the circumstances hell yeah. But even though he came out vaginally and I realized that was what I wanted during labor and we cried when they handed him to me, etc…there was still the moment when we were alone in my room later that night when I just had this feeling of, now what? What am I supposed to do with you now? Anyways thank you for expressing yourself so well, it enabled me to understand the desire for a VBAC, and why having a c section can lead to postpartum depression.

dana December 26, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I just came upon this blog entry. I can relate to just about every feeling you have here. You are not alone here. Every now and again, I struggle with the sad feelings about my crappy birth experience 3 years later. Your feelings are entirely justified and they are shared! Oh….and congrats on your new baby!

Katie R-G December 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm

So Ibookmarked this post for a reason, and unfortunately I meeded to come back to it. After 9 months of working towards a vba2c, we just sceduled my c-section for Thursday. And the tears haven’t stopped since my 9am midwife appt this morning. My baby is transverse, and has been for a while. And I’ve been doing spinningbabies like crazy, and chiro, accupressure, bouncing on the ball, and still he’s sideways. And I feel broken and sad. I’m so glad to be holding him on Thursday, but I wanted so much to go into labor. And to progress. And to push him out into the world. And I hate csections. I wanted magic and warmth and love, and noe there will be needles and curtains and surgery. And I needed to read this to remember that I’m not alone. But that it’s okay. Because I see you loving on your Ruby, and I know my boy will be here soon for me to love on. So thanks for keeping the comments open on this post. It’s helped.

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