Welcome to the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy. Or as I call it, the final 4 levels of hell. I think Catholics call it purgatory. I have to check with Grandma. In honor of this “special” time, I present to you a weekly series called:
Shit Baby Center Tells Me To Do
If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ve probably signed up for this ass balls website. They email you every week and tell you CONGRATULATIONS your baby is now the size of a Crenshaw Melon. And you’re like WHAT the F is that? And Baby Center is like, shut up I don’t really care about you. And then it’s like, oh by the way, if you’re don’t have your cord blood registry and college tuition figured out, you’re screwed. And you’re like SHIT. And then you tell B (I mean your husband) that he needs to install the infant car seat RIGHT NOW. And he’s like, but you’re 9 weeks pregnant? And you’re like I KNOW, HURRY UP.
And that my friends is Baby Center.
So I decided that in these last 4 weeks, I will actually do the shit that Baby Center tells me to do. Because I only have 4 weeks left. And I need to do less “shut up Baby Center I hate you” and more “FINE Baby Center, I give up. I’ll pack my damn hospital bag”.
And that my friends is the activity of week 36. Pack The Hospital Bag. Not just my hospital bag, but clearly the most important hospital bag: B’s.
Informing B of his duties for the week, I sent him the link to the packing list. It’s like, shampoo, nightgown, baby clothes, baby this baby that. You know, stuff I could use help with. But there is a small section for your “partner’s bag”. This is what concerns B. So I get copy and pasted email back:
For your partner/labor coach
• A camera or video camera with batteries, charger, and memory card (or film or tape). Someone has to document the big event! (Note: Not all hospitals allow videotaping of the birth itself, but there’s usually no rule against taping during labor or after the birth.)
• Comfortable shoes and a few changes of comfortable clothes
• Snacks and something to read (literally I will kill you B)
• Money for parking and change for vending machines
• A bathing suit. If you want to take a bath or shower during labor, you may want your partner to get in with you to support you or rub your back.
You will want that right?
See…this is B being funny. I have a 3 foot no-touch radius around me right now. He and everyone else knows not to cross it’s line. So B is expressing “sarcasm”.
Let me break down husband sarcasm for you in the eyes of a 36 week pregnant woman: I will grab your tongue and wrap it around your neck and hang you from the ceiling with it if you don’t just say what you mean. You are not funny. Funny is not funny. The only thing funny right now is that I haven’t stuffed socks in your throat when you sleep.
OK it’s not that bad. Maybe.
But I did tell B that if I see one bandanna in that bag of his, he’s being immediately shipped to the 1957 waiting room.
In terms of packing my own bag, I don’t know how any pregnant woman accomplishes this task. When you are 36 weeks pregnant you are sleeping in your husband’s disgusting high school t-shirt that says something mildly offensive on it because it’s all that fits. How am I supposed to pack a “variety of comfortable nightgowns with IV access” or a “going home outfit” or “makeup”. I have 2 outfits that I rotate. I can’t pack shampoo and conditioner and my razor a month in advance. What do you think I’m stock piling extreme coupon style?
Everything circled is something that I couldn’t pack for whatever reason. And I shutter to think of B having to ever complete this task for me.
So I started throwing shit together. And I realized that when you’re this pregnant you stop caring about things like hygiene, looking presentable to society and caring for your possessions. And since I was packing the B list shit that I use, it was even worse. Basically pregnant women are disgusting. Yes all of us. Yep, you too.
But my favorite suggestion from BC is READING MATERIAL FOR LABOR. I literally BAH’d out loud when I read that. Who are these people writing this shit? No problem BC, I’ll just bring along my copy of Better Homes and Garden during contractions. I mean what else would a lady have to do during such a snooz fest?
I do however enjoy the suggestion of bringing a phone card. Thank you 1998 for that.
See…this is why I hesitated on this series. I knew it would be more me spewing hate and less functional advice.
Well, I guess you all know what to expect around here by now.
Straight up service to society.
I don’t know what next week’s activity will be. But I will blindly follow the beast that is Baby Center and do as I’m told.
Also, how do I finish this task? Also I think I need a playlist for labor. Is that stupid? Yes if it has Sarah McLaughlin on it. No if it has Britney.
OK, until next time.
xoxo (those are knives and nooses)