I'm funny

You, watching me, read a blog post, on the internet, from the internet, gives me poop cramps.

September 12, 2012

I got the note today that the video is here. And I instantly panicked. It’s my go-to emotional response for all occasions. What if it’s worse than I remember? What if I unconsciously pick at my face orifices? What if I look FAT?

Then I watched it. Man am I short. I should have stood on that little stool behind the podium. Sorry about that. But here it is. After much discussion and whining, my Listen to your Mother 2012 performance. Special thanks to Mary-Tyler (great friend) for encouraging me to apply. It was one of my favorite experiences this year. You can see the rest of the performances here.

Be nice. Remember, I was sick. Remember, I cry. Remember, I make excuses.



(LTYM isn’t letting me embed it here, so go to this link to see the video)


Here is a preview of the sort of thing you’ll get:

come back and comment.




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  • ilikebeerandbabies.com September 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm


  • ashley September 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    should have tied those laces together.

  • Ruth September 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    SO AWESOME! I love the asshole cocoon.

    ohhh, that sounds so wrong. I love the part where you say “asshole cocoon.” Bettah.

  • Lindsey September 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Awesome! I think you did a fantastic job! You’re so brave.

  • Katie September 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Loved it. Kids are assholes…and let me be clear….and not in a proud (ok sort of proud) way…I have totally tripped a bitchy kid. Yes she was my niece. Yes she deserved it…but yeah I probably should have abstained. Hindsight….

    • Molly September 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

      LOL! Love this comment!

  • A Savage September 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    It was such a great blog when you first posted it that I immediately had to share it with all my friends who are newish to being parents. Seeing you read and emote it when you can barely see over the podium? Awesome times ten!

  • Courtney September 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    I remember reading this blog post and loving it because you’re so right on with everything. But watching you read it and hearing your voice was even better and even made me a little teary and goosebumpy, especially the ” can you tie my shoes? ” part. Aaaw. So great. You did amazing and if you didn’t mention being nervous I would have never ever thought you were! :)

  • Lisa September 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    You were amazing! I remember reading that post and it was a million times better hearing it read. You did an amazing job and looked like it is something you do all the time!

  • Sarah September 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Totally brills. Also, I don’t think it’s mere coincidence that your video and Britty Kitty’s debut on X Factor happen on the same day.

  • Sue Diamond-Phillips September 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I freeeaaaking love you. I do. I just do. You may now block me.

  • Nurit September 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Good job! You can tell towards the end you started to relax a bit. Public speaking is a huge fear for me so kudos to you for pulling it off!

  • Ashlee September 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Oh my little MODGling,

    This is the post that got me invested in your blog believe it or not. I remember dying from laughter as I read this and then shared it on my facebook AND made my hubbs read it. I’m so glad you chose to read that one and people DID laugh and you did awesome on it!!! I’m so proud, but also I wanted to take a machete to your bangs (I say this with love)


  • Annie September 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Oh, you did great! I loved the gestures and the acting that went along with it. Perfect. Also, I was totally surprised by your voice! Your writing “voice” is so tough and strong (and, OK, profane), and your in-person voice sounded so gentle and sweet and adorable. It was even funnier to hear those words coming out in that sweet and gentle voice! I was expecting a curse voice and instead I heard a unicorn voice. Good job!

  • Stacey September 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    So not to be biased because I love your blog I took a spin at some of the other videos from you know those other moms readings…yours kicked butt. We all know that moment when you wanted to drop kick some asshole kid in the head for knocking down mine. I won’t not say i wasn’t proud when some 5 year old wouldn’t leave my 2 year old at the time alone backing her up against a wall and she kept telling him to stop and when he didn’t she punched in square in the nose, twice. The mom looked at me like hey your kid just hit mine, I shrugged my shoulders and said well she told him to stop about 5 times guess he’ll stop now.

  • Shannon Dew September 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Amazing! Your voice is nothing as I had imagined. It’s even more glorious!

  • ElisaM September 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    You are so cute and non snarky sounding in person! Good job, you got a LOT of laughs. I wonder who that person who laughed like, “Huh, huh”. Who really laughs like that?

  • Katie R-G September 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    Soooooop proud of you, asshole!!

  • Carly September 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Hilarious! “Big” kids can be so mean. Our little kids will one day be kids. My goal- teach them to be nice to little kids.

  • Katie September 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    I agree with ElisaM, you sound so sweet and innocent! I guess according to your blog I would expect you to step up with your nine cocked and your pimp limp and school those mofos! This was much better. Awesome job – mad props.

  • Analyn September 12, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Love! You didn’t seem nervous at all :)

  • Danielle D. September 12, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Last week Ann over at An Inch of Grey posted her video and I was like, “OMG, I have to watch MODG’S!!!”. But they hadn’t posted Philly yet so I was super bummed until last night when I watched it! You rocked it sister, I am so stoked for you.

  • Erica Tanner September 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    You are a great writer. Good job. Super natural.

  • Natalie September 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm


    Also…are you naming your daughter James??? If so, yay! That’s one of my favorites. :)

  • Una September 12, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    You rocked it.

  • Katic C September 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Amazing. Great job!

  • Brittany September 12, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    You did sooo good! Seriously you were a natural up there! Although I really wanted to give you a bobby pin for those bangs 😉

  • Jennifer Jenkins September 12, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Fucking bangs! But awesome speech nonetheless.

  • Kelly September 12, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    LOVED IT! So funny and I laughed just as much as I did when I originally read the post. :)

    Now for a DUMB question, HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE MODG? Like: Mo-dig? or Maude? I dunno. Help a sister out.

    asshole butterflies and nutella,

    Kelly (pronounced kuh-ell-e)

  • GG September 12, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    fantastic!! don’t be scared about this, you did a great job.

  • Kylie September 12, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    I love how many times you say asshole!

  • Heidi_Australia September 12, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    REALLY well read, excellent pauses for laughter. You got so much laughter! How good is that?! I loved especially how you used things for emphasis, the tapping on the podium, the face palm. All trademarks of good comedians. Well done, no need for poop cramps

  • Bailey@peppermintbliss September 12, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    It was cute and charming. Which is not to make it less meaningful than it was, but that makes you accessible and I loved it. Congrats. You should be proud. Shawty.

  • Leah September 12, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    awesome. you’re adorable and have great timing. I did want to pass you a bobby pin for your bangs, but you got it under control. the audience loved you live, and thank you so much for sharing the video with all of us.

  • dara September 13, 2012 at 12:02 am

    LOVED THAT! ive been reading your blog for like a year and it’s awesome to see real-you talking in an actual voice. i instantly remembered this post and loved it all over again!

  • Lluvia September 13, 2012 at 12:29 am

    I loved it! You did great! I loved that post! It was even funnier when you read it! Your voice is so sweet, and so non-MODG snarky! 😀

  • Lluvia September 13, 2012 at 12:30 am

    BTW, I sooo wanted to hold them bangs back for ya! 😀

  • Katie @ mommy brain blog September 13, 2012 at 2:39 am

    You’re a great story teller!! The “declaring war on big kids” post was one of my favorite ever.

  • Sheila September 13, 2012 at 6:58 am

    It was really neat to hear your voice. Everyone who reads your blog hears you voice in a manner of speaking, but it was totally awesome to hear your audible voice :) your blogs make me smile and even laugh out loud! they help me get through some rough days as a parent sometimes :) keep it up, you are awesome! God Bless!!

  • Erica V September 13, 2012 at 8:32 am

    That was awesome!

  • rae September 13, 2012 at 8:43 am

    cute, but i am so distracted by your bangs!

    • delorus September 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

      haha, so was I . How many times I have had bangs, tried to grow them and then seen pictures and wondered why the heck they have to be so annoying.

  • heatheradair September 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    RIGHTEOUS bracelets. I mean, the whole thing was adorable, but I was mostly bracelet-crushing on that whole arm-combo you had going there. Well-read, well-accessorized, xoxoxoxo

  • Kerri September 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    That was so good. Really, really good.

  • Amanda September 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Love it MODGy podgy! (that’s my nickname for you.. do you love it?)

  • Jessica September 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Love it. Absolutely love it.

  • S September 13, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Oh man I am so jealous at your speaking voice. Whenever I read something out loud I sound monotone and flat, you were awesome! You really killed it!

  • Brin September 13, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    You’re adorable! I have 7 week old twins and I’m already a psycho. My six month old cousin grabbed onto my daughters foot too hard a couple weeks ago and it took actual restraint to not punch him. I’m really glad someone else has issues like me! :) Great reading! You were super dynamic and charismatic!

  • Kate September 13, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Ditto on the bangs issue, but you were nervous so you ignored them. Once you were more comfy ( and peeps laughed at your funny shit!) you fixed them! Huge kudos for getting up and speaking. And now you know the next time you strut your MODG you need a more “giving a speech” friendly hairdo. Like all the rest of the stalkers it was fun to hear/see you tell the story. Good work MODG!

  • Erin September 14, 2012 at 12:36 am

    Bravo!! Well done!

  • demi September 14, 2012 at 9:11 am

    “we need to shed our asshole layer, like an asshole butterfly, coming out of it’s asshole womb..” HAHHAHHAA oh my word you absolutely KILLED IT! Great job! Everyone was laughing at all the right parts and you spoke so well! CONGRATS!

  • my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you September 14, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    ya did good kid.

  • Elizabeth September 14, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    You were great! Didn’t seem nervous at all!

  • Ann September 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    You are high if you aren’t super proud of yourself!

  • Katie E. September 16, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    I showed this to my mom. She and I had a good laugh over it, so thanks for giving voice to parental paranoia.

  • Jenn in Tenn September 17, 2012 at 10:58 am

    LOVED IT!! You did a wonderful job!! Yaaayyy!