knocked up

This post is really just a means of revenge against B. But it’s also about poop. And cinnamon rolls.

June 13, 2012

B ate the last cinnamon roll. Do you know what kind of crime that is against pregnancy and the female population as a whole? Do you know the anger and resentment I feel burning inside of my Yoshi? It’s not MY fault that Yoshi NEEDS cinnamon buns to grow. But it’s your fault B for withholding food from your unborn child.

Now I sit here at my computer stewing with rage and furiously scouring pinterest for a suitable bake-able option that doesn’t require eggs or milk or anything else that we don’t have in our house. Oh, it can’t include LEFTOVER CINNAMON BUNS EITHER. In case you weren’t sure.

But as I sit here, I remember something that I’ve been meaning to tell the world about now for 3 years. So it’s clearly important. This could change your life.

I’m going to tell it via story.

One day I sat at my computer, at my desk, in my chair. 5 minutes later I pooped. Not ON the chair. That was a different day. The next day I sat at my computer and 5 minutes later I pooped. Later that same night, I sat at my computer and then I pooped. Interesting.

The next day, B used my computer and then I heard him in the bathroom. Oh I heard him alright.

I kicked him out of the computer. It’s mine. Before I knew it. I was pooping.

Fast forward 1 month.

Me: B, I have to tell you something weird.

B: Oh god, does it involve wigs on cats again?

Me: No, not this time. But definitely next time.

B: Ok what is it.

Me: I think we have a poop chair.

B: Go on….(B is very interested in talking about poop. More than I am)

Me: Ok, I know this is weird, but every time I sit at the computer, I have to poop. I think it’s the chair.

B: I wasn’t going to say anything but me too!

(ok STOP EVERYTHING. You need to know that B has majah poop problems. Like there are tales of him with enemas in his frat house. And I don’t feel bad telling you since he ATE MY LAST CINNAMON BUN)

Me: Are you serious?! B, do you realize the goldmine we are sitting on. PUN INTENDED BUT ALSO NOT BECAUSE THIS IS A SERIOUS POOP CHAIR!

B: Definitely. Don’t tell anyone.

Me: Ok. (all bets are off when the baked goods go missing B. I’m telling everyone)

So as you all know with my current pregnant with a Yoshi and also pregnant with butt nut triplets, pooping is high on my list now of super things. And the easier it goes, the better my life. Well friends, 3 years later and the poop chair is still in business.

I know, you’re dying to see the chair.

Ok ready?

Here it is

It’s from Ikea and it’s the Gilbert Chair. I really really hope people google search Gilbert Chair and find this post. So I think the secret is in the little dip you see in the back of the seat. I think it’s a poopular angle.

Now I know what you’re saying. MODG, don’t be dim, it’s just sitting in a hard chair. WRONG friends. wrong.

These are our other chairs:

We sit in these to eat dinner every night. And other sitable times. No poop.

And there you have it friends. The most important post that I have ever written. Actually, it’s not. I really just needed an excuse to talk about B pooping on the internet to get back at him for cinnamonbungate.

I leave you with this.

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  • Rach June 13, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Yep, I’d bet anything it’s the angle.

    Side note, I am totally getting one of those.

    CinnaBons. Not poop chairs. Dammit.

  • KatieB June 13, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    I’m sure there is something scientifically freaky to this. I once read somewhere (probably on a hippy site) that it is important to have your body “properly positioned” to allow easier, uh, elimination…and recommended getting a small stool to elevate your feet….not even joking. I think about it every darn time I poop…especially now that I am 37 weeks pregnant and pooping out bowling balls…

  • Kim June 13, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    Just FYI, if you google “Gilbert Chair” and “Poop”, unfortunately this post does not show up. You do however get a list of links containing the words Gilbert, chair, and…. stool.

  • Anne June 13, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I lived with my sister and her husband in Florida immediately following my college graduation. I kid you not, we too had a poop chair. It also was in front of the computer. All 3 of us, no matter when we sat at this chair, had to poop within 5 minutes of sitting there. Weird….

  • Kelly June 13, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    We have those chairs in our office! I have never noticed this poop-inducing phenomenon, but I usually sit on them with one foot up under my butt. I will have to sit correctly and see if I notice anything.

  • Kelly @ turned up to ELEVEN! (formerly D2BD) June 13, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    Poopular…. I have to say I literally LOL-ed at that. I blame my crapping on my vitamins. It’s like magic. I take one in the AM 20 mins later, poop time! And lastly… shame on you B!!!

  • ElisaM June 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    Evil husband! Goooood poop chair.

  • Megan June 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    I bet it’s totally the angle. And if it is, you should totally get this: It’s made from science, for real.

  • Amanda June 13, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Thanks a lot, now I HAVE to have a cinnamon roll immediately! -___-

  • Leigh June 13, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    Do you think it’s because you relax when you’re on the computer, even subconsciously, thus letting everything flow a little more easily?

  • Courtney June 13, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    The same thing happens at our house, but we don’t have that chair. I think it’s just sitting at the computer.

  • Shannon (sitting in a tree,) June 13, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    Nursing makes me poop. Nursing on THAT chair? OMG POOPAGEDDON!!

  • Regina June 13, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    This post is awesome. I can’t quit laughing, and that pic of B and your comment at the end is amazing. That’ll teach him to eat the last cinnamon bun. Didn’t he learn after pregnancy #1?

  • Abby June 13, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    ZOMG!! I totally have the same thing happen, but only when I am on vacation and at internet cafes. It is guaranteed that as soon as I log in I will have to immediately poop.

  • Kelly.R June 13, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    I bought this exact chair nearly a year ago in the reject section of IKEA. It’s okay, I like rejects. especially 40+% off rejects. It’s where I sew (mostly crap for babies, take or leave the pun). I am going to have to test the poop theory… or maybe Gilbert just sends out magic poop vibes that implant themselves in my bibs and whatnot that later make babies poop? I think I should add this to my product info…

  • Meagan {Green Motherhood} June 13, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    When I was pregnant, another teacher ate my cinnamon roll out of our classroom refridgerator (that we so graciously shared with his classroom.) And I KNEW it was him. And I knew that he knew it was mine. And it wasn’t his, so why didn’t he ask if it was ok to eat it? Because he knew it wouldn’t be. And once it was gone, it was gone.
    And like any other pregnant woman, I shamed him. He wasn’t even my husband and I shamed him so much. I even made him go buy me another one.
    Don’t mess with a gestating woman!

  • Sharon June 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    What if you don’t have a pooping chair, but a pooping computer???

    • Khadijah June 14, 2012 at 2:18 am

      Lmao!! The plot thickens…

  • colleen June 13, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    a poop chair! ikea has officially struck gold with this post.

  • teresa June 13, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    ummmm….. best cinnamon bun/poop post EVER!!!!

  • brittany June 14, 2012 at 12:16 am

    in the 2nd grade i started noticing that i had to poop every time i used the class computer. ever since then i’ve had a theory that computers make me poop. combining that theory with ina may’s teachings on sphincters…….. wellll maybe your computer is the poop maker and not your chair?!

  • Shelley June 14, 2012 at 2:19 am

    LOVE your usage of “gate” as a suffix (as in CinnamonBunGate)! My coworkers & I have been using it the same way for a couple years (as in “flashlight-gate,” “stamp-gate,” “guitar-gate,” etc).

    I know another tip for pooping: both my high school bestie & I agree that nothing makes us poop more than looking at cards in a card store. Father’s Day is coming up. Look for the perfect card & get good poop out at the same time!

    Last thing: when I was preg, I was taking a bath one time, & I remember my husband coming in to ask me if it was ok if he ate the last of the brownie bites. I remember laughing saying, “yes,” b/c the brownie bites belonged as much to him as they did to me, and feeling like he didn’t have to ask permission…and then a week later not BELIEVING that he had eaten the last bit of something else!

  • Erin Banks June 14, 2012 at 6:10 am

    When my almost one year old was about 6 months, he had a poop chair too. No poop for a couple of days? Simple, stick him in the poop chair and we’re all business. Of course, with an infant certain angling of their body will definitely produce poop but I just love that someone else named a piece of furniture called a poop chair.

    • Aisha June 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

      about infant angling… not necessarily. When my second was less than a month old she actually went 13 DAYS WITHOUT POOPING!!! And, that was with me breastfeeding & us trying the glycerin sticks and everything. Several doctor visits didn’t help either. Once she finally went, we went through 4 diapers in less than 10 minutes. She didn’t even come off the changing table between them! lolololol

  • Jonesy June 14, 2012 at 8:23 am

    How is it that every time you write something, I HAVE to giggle. Also it’s amazing that you can make a subject about poop sound so rational :D.

    Btw evil husband. I banned some food from my boyfriend with the argument, you don’t REALLY like it, but just eat it because it’s there. Maybe it’ll work for you ;).

    Greets from Holland!

  • Lisa June 14, 2012 at 8:42 am

    I remember when I was pregnant with #1 and DH drank the last Coke in the house. I’m a certified Coke addict (heh) and I allowed myself 1 a day when I was pregnant, and he DRANK THE LAST ONE. I went into a flying rage. He’d already left for work by the time I found out and I was working from home that day, so of course I had to email my coworkers and I could tell they were laughing their asses off at me from the office.

  • Bek June 14, 2012 at 8:48 am

    I think my love for you grew x 927272 with this post, if that is even possible!

    I NEED to get one of these chairs! I am 13 weeks preggas and dying from lack of pooping! Seriously the worst! I think I would prefer the runs to the nada poop!

  • kate June 14, 2012 at 9:24 am

    OMG I’m dying.

    We don’t own a poop chair but my husband has deemed Target and Home Depot the “poop stores”. I don’t know what it is about either one, but he can’t get through a shopping trip without having to poop. And he also has poop issues. Like – leave the cart we have to go home now so I can poop because I can’t use a public restroom – kind of issues. So after having that happen a couple times I just leave his ass at home. Or ask him 7 million times before we leave the house if he has to poop. You’d think he’s 3.

    • Amy June 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

      That’s me with Meijer and Target!

    • Chelsey June 15, 2012 at 3:09 pm

      Lmao! I thought my husband was the only one who does this, it always happens in target or kohls. I just figured he’s lying so he can get out of shopping for a bit.

  • Sarah June 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I am getting one of these chairs. I have poop issues too. In the long run, it’s gotta be cheaper than all of the OTC and Rx meds I take.

  • Sara June 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Hot damn. I am about to go to the mall to buy fat preg clothes. I am stopping at IKEA and buying that chair. Then I am going to Cinnabon and feeding the fetus. Then I am coming home, sitting in my new Gilbert Poop chair. And then I am pooping out my Cinnabon. It’s the ciiiiircle of liiiiiiiiiiiiife.

  • Serial June 14, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I had that chair in dark brown (no joke) and didn’t notice any poop-effects. But maybe I just wasn’t paying attention?

  • Bitchin Sisters June 14, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Amazebuns. Were they homemade or the real Cinnabon kind?

  • Cole June 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    I have to agree with everyone else who suggests it’s the computer usage and not the chair… the exact same thing happens to my husband and I when we use our laptops. Regardless of whether we’re sitting on the desk chair, the floor, or the couch… it’s the computer that engages the poopdom.

    On another note, I hate to break it to you, but in your attempt to shame B by sharing his poop tales with the internet… you have exposed your own tales ‘o’ poop!

    • The Other Jen June 16, 2012 at 12:35 am

      Dear Cole,
      I can only assume this is the first time you have ever read MODG. I arrived at this conclusion after you insinuated that MODG *accidentally* discussed her own pooping habits. Clearly you have not read many of her posts, seeing as how the backbone of this blog is sparkles, cats, Danny Tanner, family, becoming famous, Britney Spears, toilets, hippies, Suri Cruise, online shopping that B cant find out about, and POOP. And that’s okay. Welcome to the MODG club. I suggest starting at the beginning or if you’re short on time, go directly to her buttnut saga when she was pregnant with G. Ah, good times.

      • Morgan June 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

        how can you forget Being Asian 2010?

  • Eleanor June 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Sitting in front of my computer makes me have to poop. Maybe its relaxing? Weird.

  • Jen @ Ginger Guide June 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Your husband ate the last cinnamon bun and he lives? You must love him a lot. Mike at the last bit of garlic bread (which was like crack to me while prego) and I thought, “Huh, he must want a divorce”. He never did it again.

  • Beth June 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    It’s not the chair – it’s the computer screen. All chairs in front of computers make me need to poop – always have. I began this discussion with my extremely conservative parents when I was in the 8th grade (when we got our first PC – it was an Acer), and after many chairs it still does it to me every time.
    I broached the subject with my hubby one day and he was all “ME TOO!!!” It must have something to do with relaxation when in front of the computer.
    Now we use it as a tool when we can’t poop. Works every time.

  • Wendy June 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    So I guess you need to buy some milk and eggs.

  • michelle June 15, 2012 at 7:31 am

    We have a poop basement. Every time I go down there, I have to poop within 5 minutes. My mom makes fun of me (Whatever, mom). If your poop chair ever fails you, let me know and I’ll let you borrow the basement 😉

  • Kate June 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Never ever ever have I laughed so hard at a blog post! Ever. I read it out loud to my husband and he laughed too, and that freaked me out because he doesn’t even laugh at things that are actually funny, like our toddler falling head first into a basket with his legs hanging out the top. If you haven’t seen that you are missing out.

  • Courtney June 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm


    We call it ” Facepooping ” … cuz browsing Facebook makes me have to go… and the Laptop goes to the bathroom with me. Works every time!!! 😉

  • KB June 18, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Found your blog randomly at work while I was trying to find something interesting to do…. Hilarious. I then made up a fake illness so I could come home and do a quick read through of oh… maybe the last 3 years of your blog ( I didn’t move for several hours, cried a little, laughed A LOT, ordered a diva cup, fell in love with you, B, G, and future baby). Your blog is the best!!!!!

  • Tara Roddick June 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Um our computer makes us poop, not the chair. My husband and I both go to the computer when we are “working on a poop” LOL!!!

  • Ashley June 19, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    I’m pretty sure this was the best thing I’ve read all month. Thank you.
    I hope you get some cinnamon buns soon.


  • Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder June 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Ohhhh, non-pregnant people will never understand the importance of cinnamon buns during pregnancy.

    I go to the OU-Texas football game in October every single year. It’s at the Texas State Fair Cotton Bowl and there is a cinnabons stand there. The year I was seven months pregnant with the Divine Miss M in October, all I thought about for weeks was having one of those before the game. Upon arrival, there was a very, very, very long line and it was an absolute no-brainer to me that even if we missed kickoff (and I’d never missed kickoff), I was, of course, standing in that line until I had a cinnabon in my hand. The people with me, who were not and never had been pregnant, seemed baffled. I thought they were either completely insane, or had lost all manner of intelligence.

    This revenge is the least B had coming. : )

  • kat August 28, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    I am so jealous of your chair 😉 lol

  • Andrea September 2, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    This might be the best thing I’ve ever read….

  • Loki December 3, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Okay, this is so weird, whenever I sit on my moon-chair while on my computer, I poop within 5 minutes. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not the chair, it is the computer because I also sit in this chair to watch TV, and it doesn’t happen then, only when I am on the computer. WHAT IS THIS EVEN? I’m so confused and scared that I will never be able to use a computer without having to poop.