Just my usual Monday vagina, white tshirt, china butt cream, chicken wings post.

Thanks to the randomizer, the free orgasm of baked goods goes to….

julie s.
I have to go for the raspberry chocolate rugelach…I would die for those. But also maybe the chocolate chip sandwiches…it’s too hard to decide.

Caroline Blackwood
I would die for the key lime cookies…and the Betty rolls…and the lemon rosemary shortbread! Wow these look SO good!
Jill
My butt nuts came back this pregnancy too. With a vengeance. So bad I had to give up thongs for “girl shorts”. Still on the hunt for the true “No panty line promise”. I’m 4 weeks from my due date now so pretty much I would die for anything on the Bad Kitty’s menu. I’m thinking my butt nuts would respond best to the lemon rosemary shortbread cookies OR the Betty bread OR red velvet ANYTHING. Yum yum and yum.

None of you pastry hoarders left your email address so I’m banking on you checking in. I’m not tracking your asses down. Email me your home address at modgblog at gmail dot com. I’ll give like 2 days and then you’re out and I’ll find a new fatty. Like my face.

I have many things to tell all of you.

1) I found my VBAC midwife. I’m so GD excited, I feel like I found the perfect cheap white t-shirt. That link is for all of you who have been STALKING my ass about that. Buy it in a size too big. I’m serious. Buy 100 of them. As a general old navy hater, I fully endorse this shirt.

anyway, back to the midwife. I was told that I would love her because she’s “like me”. I was like…um what the hell does that mean? Also I panicked because I usually do not like people like me. You know, always think they are right, always have an opinion, and think they are extremely beautiful in their head but pretty regular otherwise. That sort of thing. But I met her and she said “schlep” and “fuck” in the first 10 minutes and I was SOLD for life. I plan on having 10 more babies just so she can yank them out of my vag. Here’s the deal: she delivers in a hospital but has total control over what goes on and is the only midwife/doctor type person that would be touching my vag. I asked her about taking childbirth classes and she told me to use that money at JCrew instead. DREAM MIDWIFE.

I wish I would have gone to her with G’s pregnancy. If you are even remotely local, check her out.

2) I found a butt nut cream that literally made my nuts run away back into my butt at lightening speed. And don’t be surprised at all…it’s Asian. Of course it is. ASIANS DO EVERYTHING AWESOME. I knew this cream was for me when I read on Amazon that it would “cool off your poop shoot and make your butt smell chinese”. If ever there was a one click order, it was for that. I’m assuming it’s ok for pregnancy since the loose Chinese translation said “if pregnant have careful”. I had careful.

3) B and I spent 48 intensive hours researching the cooking methods of chicken wings. Because we thought it would be a good idea to enter a wing cooking competition…never having made wings. We also thought we could win.

You should know that couples who spend 98% of their free time indoors listening to a baby monitor, in general, do not have good ideas. You should also know that ideas like this will usually end up in a marital fight.

Me: So I think you should enter the wing contest. It can totally be your thing.

B: Yeah ok maybe I’ll try that.

 

Me: Ok we need a control group of sauce and wings and a test group and blind taste testers and secret ingredients and duel ovens. Should I start researching ovens?

B: What?

Me: I mean if we’re going to win we need to do this right.

B: I thought this was my thing?

Me: It totally is your thing. So where should we start? How about we choose 34 recipes and make them all? I’m also going to make ones that only I like.

B: ….. (zoning out and slowly backing away)

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE NEED TO GET STARTED NOW.

 

And so after an intensive wing weekend….whatever, I don’t want to hear it. B got to name them. He couldn’t decide between “If you like it then you should’ve put a wing on it” or “Lord of the wings”. Not like it mattered because WE DIDN’T EVEN PLACE.

See? That is not B OR I.

Next year. Next B (I) will totally win.

OK that’s all I’ve got for you on this fine fine rainy Monday. Back to entertaining a toddler while pregnant. Which, my friends, is hardcore.

We’ll chat more on that another day.

 

Until then,

Peace, vag and wings.

MODG

 

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POSTED IN: Awesome things,B,Eating Innapropriately,hippie stuff

{ 40 comments }

Meagan {Green Motherhood} June 4, 2012 at 1:25 pm

These past two posts have made me add, “thank you for not giving me butt nutts” to my prayer list. Seriously.

Rachel June 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

That picture of B and G sleeping on the couch is amazing and what would totally happen in my house after a similar discussion :)

Kelley June 5, 2012 at 9:58 am

I didn’t even SEE G until I read your comment.

Stealth.

Shelley June 4, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Thanks for the t-shirt tip! I’m going to order 10. I always get something on my white t-shirts (like one tiny pen mark…but, then I feel like I can’t wear it anymore), or they get yellow in the pit area (I’ve heard that deodorant, and not sweat makes it do this), so I am always on the hunt for another one!

Linden June 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I missed the boat for your last post, but just wanted to throw out that Seraphine has amazing maternity swimsuits. I got the turquoise version of Jessica Alba’s swimsuit: http://www.seraphine.co/reversible-aqua-turquoise-band-bikini.html and loved it during pregnancy. It’s especially nice because the band on the bottoms is smooth and so there are no bulge-y parts. It works as a post-partum suit too. (One warning – their tops are usually unlined, so I got insert things from the lingerie dept at Macys.)

Shannon June 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Hey MODG…did you know a photo of your nursery was on the HGTV show “The High Low Project”? A couple was having their nursery done and they used a photo of your nursery as their inspiration. Cool…and wierd that I knew it was your nursery :-)

Lisa June 4, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Word on the midwife. I <3 mine so much that I'm almost considering having another baby just so she can catch it.

And, dafuq? on the ON shirt – buy a size up? No way, I have to buy a size DOWN when I get those shirts. Maybe because I'm a fatty and they make them bigger the higher you go up so then we can feel good about buying a size down.

MODG June 4, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I like it a bit bigger ala Nicole Ritchie cool whatever. Not super tight

Miss Yvonne June 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I didn’t even finish reading your post before I ordered that butt nut sauce. I will do anything to make that shit go away. Hell, I’d smear a chinese person on my anus if it would do the trick.

Steph June 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Ditto – mine just came in the mail and I am very excite!

Theresa June 4, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I have a couple of those shirts in different colors, I LOVE them!

jesse June 4, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I know that you’re not a dummy, but be careful with those personal care products from China. I’ve heard that they can contain mercury and lead.

morgan June 4, 2012 at 2:12 pm

so this awesome white shirt….are you talking awesome for pregs, or awesome for non-pregs? or both?

MODG June 4, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Non pregs

Morgan June 5, 2012 at 12:57 pm

bummer.

brittany June 5, 2012 at 6:32 pm

i am way preg and the awesome old navy shirt my fav thing to wear! but get a biggg comfy size.

Hannah Mayer June 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I’m impressed you went for the hot wings so soon after curing your butt nuts. I had hot wings a few times when I was pregnant and I turned into Puff the Magic Butthole, spewing a rain of fire on public toilets everywhere. Bold move. Bravo.

Sara June 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Every time I poop, I do so with a strong fear of butt nut development. It is, so far, the one thing this fetus hasn’t ruined my body with. Everything else is totally ruined, though. So if you find an ointment that is a general cure for the wide range of gross shit that happens to your body when you’re preg, let me know and then buy stock in that company.

Steph June 8, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Sorry Sara, my buttnuts came from delivery so you’re not in the clear yet :(

Mema June 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I own like 5 of those shirts in various colors, awesome and cheap.

Alicia June 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I’m happy to hear you found a midwife you like. I loved/still love TBC. I hope your birth goes the way you envision this time. Good luck!

Monet June 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Sweet baby Jesus, thank you for these last two posts. I am going out RIGHT THE EFF NOW to find that Chinese butt magic. No nuggets during pregnancy, not even after giving birth (only because my dramababy was a preemie, I’m sure) — but you best believe my bizniz is making up for it now that I’m three months post-partum. I walk like a penguin. Or maybe a goose. Whatever.

I am so so so glad you found the Danny Tanner of Midwives. She sounds AbFab, and I am supahdupah stoked for you and your netherbits. Sending love and pretty things your way, Modg.

julie s. June 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I won cookies, hooray! Also, I have a secret ingredient for wing sauce, if you’re looking for tips.

Katie E. June 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I have that t-shirt in 4 or 5 colors. And probably the same number of tank tops that can coordinate. Here in the dirty South it’s already up to 90 something degrees every day, and everyone keeps their AC on 71. Layers! Glad your butt nuts are better!

Jessica June 4, 2012 at 4:37 pm

MAN randomizers hate me. BUT i’m okay with that because I totally stuck with your ‘let’s get skinny’ program and I’m feeling pretty good about my bathing suit. (It’s only fair that I put in here that I no longer have toddlers AND am not knocked up so that I don’t get hated right out of ever commenting again from all those of you who have or are…xo your day will come, when your youngest is six like mine). Also, I may have to have one of those shirts.

Niki June 4, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Thanks to Rachael, I now love your blog.

I didn’t place either. This was the first time in all Wingstock history (the ones I attended) that I wasn’t in the top 3. Bummed out!

p.s I have my first appointment with a midwife tomorrow! I hope my experience is as good as yours was!

Chelsea June 4, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I was just in Old Navy, because I saw they had super soft cotton maxi skirts for $17.99. I don’t know why I all of a sudden needed a maxi skirt, but I did, you understand. Naturally I bought 2 of them and I would recommend them to anyone because they are soft and flowy and you catch a nice breeze up there sometimes, it’s nice. Anyway while I was there I bought 4 of those t-shirts! Gray and 3 whites. Obviously. The hunt for the perfect v-neck white t-shirt is ongoing in my life. I know by the time these get ratty and not so white anymore Old Navy will have stopped producing them, because thats just how it works. sigh.

Hanna June 4, 2012 at 10:23 pm

So I’m hesitant to say this, because I’ve seen you be rather nasty to other commenters….but please look into your butt cream. Based on the description it does not sound safe for your baby. I know you’re uncomfortable but please think of you baby!!

MODG June 5, 2012 at 9:09 am

It’s safe I promise and FDA approved. Don’t worry

The Other Jen June 5, 2012 at 4:10 am

I saw your twin brother today. Swears. I almost chased after him just to take his picture but thought better of it and didn’t. Not because I didnt want to look like a stalker/creeper/crazyexgf. It also wasn’t because I was pushing my sweetangelbaby in a stroller and its generally frowned upon to engage in strange activities with total strangers. It was because I don’t have magic Asian cream and therefore my buttnuggets outvoted me on running anywhere right now. So blame them that you’re never going to reunite with your long lost twin. They’re assholes.
Probably better anyway. He was good looking and would have tried to steal your thunder.
Did you make any barbeque wings? I need food.

Meredith June 5, 2012 at 9:57 am

Soooooo, does this mean you’re gonna deliver at Montgomery Hospital????? I haven’t been there in 3-4 years, but last time I was there the Maternity Department…..left something to be desired (to put it nicely). To put it not nicely, I wouldn’t let me dog deliver there. Just a thought…

MODG June 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

No shes delivering at the new Einstein. And ps. Vbac options are so limited I would deliver In a dog house

brittany June 5, 2012 at 6:28 pm

iiiii have that shirt in white, 2 in gray, 2 striped ones and a pink. it’s basically the only thing i want to wear. and thank G i got them in a size ginormous! i thought maybe it was overkill at the time but now my babybelly is startin to fill ‘em up!

Jen @ Ginger Guide June 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm

The one midwife I spoke with before I delivered was way too hippy for me. When she talked about rubbing sage on my vag, we peaced out of there so fast. I ended up having to have a csection due to my son’s stubbornness and huge size but anyways. Happy you found someone you WANT in those parts. Butt nuts were one of the things I never had while pregnant but I’m sure when I get knocked up with baby 2, they’ll hit me hard. I’m keeping the Asian miracle ass cream on my bookmark page. Should get a fun call from my hubs when he sees that. Or just awkward silence. either one.

Lauren @ T&G June 6, 2012 at 4:56 pm

In my refusal to spend lots of money on maternity clothes, I recently hit up old navy which I usually just ignore because the quality is so bad. But, their basic maternity vnecks and tanks are pretty legit. I also got a pair of denim shorts that I am still not sure if I hate or not. Anyway, for any of your preggos, definitely check out the maternity situation happening right now at old navy. Ps – they keep their maternity clothes in the baby section.

LegallyInsaneMommy June 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Victoria Secret makes a Body type of underwear – seamless – http://www.victoriassecret.com/panties/no-lines-and-seamless/no-show-sexy-hiphugger-panty-body-by-victoria?ProductID=20244&CatalogueType=OLS

I can wear the skin colored one under white pants, khaki pants, whatever and no panty lines. It’s fabulous AND comfortable. I wore them while pregnant and just got a larger size. They come in different styles but I liked the link above the best.

renee June 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I particularly love that B’s shorts match the color scheme of your living room. Well done!

Renee
http://casastephensinteriors.com

Suburban Snapshots June 8, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Your midwife will be awesome. I delivered with my least favorite out of the 4 I saw through pregnancy and by the end I was like hey, I’mma name this baby after you!

As a fellow long-time Old Navy hater (and yet I keep returning, WHY?) I found that many of their current dresses looked freaking adorable on me. Are the tees reasonably long? Are you afraid to put them in the dryer? The colors are great.

Kelly Tomaselli June 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Yup, I’m sitting in an airport laughing hysterically, full tears rolling down my face. Yup I’m that person and all I want is for the moms near me to see what I’m reading or ask me what is so funny because you and your posts ROCK!
Thank you so much for keeping it real.

Jana C June 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

G’day! (We moved to my husband’s hometown last year, and he’s teaching me “how they speak in the Valley”- and no it’s not Australia, sorry.)
Anyway. I just want to say thanks for your sweet fabulous blog. It made me absurdly happy to hear that you found a midwife! Seeing as we’re strangers and live across a continent and all. Isn’t the internet weird? (no, I’m not 62. But you know what I mean, right). The midwife that delivered my gnome-baby taught a class on reproductive rights at the university my husband goes to- he took it, obvs. And me and baby went too, and hung out at the back with the other babies (my baby is totally already university educated. Not to be one of those* moms, or anything. Actually, she spent the whole time eating and making eyes at the other babes. whatever.) But I learned a lot- and it was really interesting, and a little sad that hospitals and doctors and stuff just aren’t educated enough about birth and babies and all the things that are possible and healthy and not that scary- like VBACs and breastfeeding and breech births (that’s right! vaginal ones! the midwife I’m talking about is working on crazy big studies that prove that it can be done safely.) Basically, I wanted to say that people should be able to have a good birth experience without major surgery all the time (unless it’s Really medically necessary), and good midwives seem like one of the best ways right now to facilitate that. Love your midwife. : )
You make me want to go shopping and eat wings. But maybe honey garlic and not so spicy. Nothing against spicy.
Good luck on the swimsuit front. I bet you can rock that little bump whatever you wear. stretch marks are sexy. Or something. nothing to hide, anyways.
peace and baby stuff.
Jana
(PS sorry about all the words, I totally don’t talk this much in real life : P )

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