butt nuts < trying on swimsuits < trying on maternity swimsuits. DIE.

Dudes, my mood is foul. I’m sitting on a pile of butt nuts for one. Yes Christmas came early in this pregnancy. By now the Rite Aid girl doesn’t even bother covering up the Tucks with the Lucky Magazine. She just gives me a frowny face like awwww. And I’m like SHUT UP you 16 year old nothing with an untainted butt. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. Tell me again how it’s fair that I have butt nuts and never even got to have a vaginal birth?

And that my friends is what completely terrifies me to actually have a baby be pushed out of my lower parts this time. Because I know a baby isn’t the only thing that’s coming out. I said this to a few hippies and they were like DUDE do you even know what sort of bad shit happens during a vaginal birth? And I’m like YES THANK YOU I DO. AND FROM WHAT I READ, YOU HEAL. My butt nuts have stayed with me for always now. They make me unusually unhappy. It’s like you’re carrying around extra friends in your butt that you feel with every step. So not really friends I guess. Just like nuts. Like I said.

And you may say, “yes MODG I can see why this has upset your day.” But do you know what’s even WORSE than sitting on a pile of butt nuts? Trying on bathing suits. And do you know what’s even worse worse WORSE than trying on bathing suits? TRYING ON MATERNITY BATHINGSUITS.

I mean really. THE worst.

So I go with my friend Box for our season MAC makeover. Really one of the few joys left for a lonely butt nut. And I decide to stop at Pea in the Pod to try on some suits. Trust me, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. But G is obsessed and I mean obsessed with water. So at least 3 times a day we are in a pool or a sprinkler or a hose or a sink or a lake or a puddle or someone’s spit. And then we come inside and he’s climbing in his water table. Or he’s dumping a cup on his head. Really the water thing is out of hand. And our outdoor pool just opened. I can’t avoid it any longer. I have to go and I have to put on a bathing suit.

But I’m at the worst point in pregnancy where you don’t look pregnant…you look sick and fat. Not to mention the 4 straight months of self diagnosed bed rest has given my butt nuts a nice friend: cellulite. So I’m in these awful bathing suits. Like TANKINIS. Tankinis are the worst. THE WORST. It’s like, I really just give up so I’m slapping some loose fabric under my top. A one piece just won’t cut it. Other options for maternity swim? The swim dress. Yes, swim dress. If you’re 85 years old or a Dugger, you know what I’m talking about. But I did find a few one pieces. They either left a kangaroo pouch where a preg belly should be or they pulled up my ass so the bumpy parts hung out the side. Both were really stunning choices.

Also just because I’m pregnant, why do I have to wear bows and polka dots and tons of pink? I’m not blow up doll or an adult baby.

And let’s be clear that I tried Pea in the Pod first because they are stupid expensive and I thought that they would make me look cuter than Old Navy. F that. My friend box was like making squinty faces and was like…welll…..you could get a sarong. A SARONG.

So I came home and googled sarongs. Do you know what you find? Nothing. You find nothing because it’s not 1996 and I’m not in a TLC video.

So how do you manage to look comfortably covered but not like Old Granny Dumpkins at the pool when you’re barely bump worthy?

I don’t have the answer.

But I feel low. And as I typed this, I realized that I left my MAC makeup in the car. All day. It was 90 degrees.

I hate everyone and everything. And because that’s a common theme around here, it’s a set category (see below).


And because you stuck with me and let me bitch my butt nut off (man I really wish they came off that way) I have a treat for you and IT’S GOOD. The lovely ladies at Bad Kitty Bakery asked to advertise with me and I was like suuuuure you can. You just have to send me some “samples”. And oh they did. B was like WHAT THE SHIT ARE THESE AMAZING COOKIES? We literally almost divorced over who would eat the last one. You must check out their site here: Bad Kitty Bakery. Now here’s the best part. THREE of you are being sent these. I’m telling you, they would probably dissolve butt nuts on contact. All you have to do is visit the Bakery’s site and tell me in the comments what you would die for that they make. And the rest of you get 10% off your whole order by entering MODG1o. At least your day can be good.

LOVES and nuts for life.



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POSTED IN: I hate everyone,Not Pleased,Preg Stuff,Vom stuff


Norma May 29, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Sorry to hear about the nuts…but I wouldn’t mind some of those Zoe cookies!! Did you like the nice transition there? ;)

Katharine May 29, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Those chocolate chip sandwiches are just like the dinky doozies or little bits of trouble at the MALL. I’m obsessed and that is my sad day trip. Walk around the mall with a stroller and eat cookies, because 3 laps around my mall = burned calories of 1 cookie. Right? That or the red velvet pound cake. I’m sorry about the but nuts!

Christina May 29, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Lame on the butt nut front. :( Mega lamesauce to be exact. Maternity swim suits are the WORST. I gave up in the end and just rocked a two piece. I have a picture of me in it 3 days before I gave birth. Beached. Whale.

on the COOKIE front – those chocolate chip sandwiches look to DIE. I could eat those until I pass out. THOSE, I would order. *MMM*

my oreos arent going to taste as good after seeing that.

Katina May 29, 2012 at 9:18 pm


I feel your pain over the swim suits. I look like a fat blob in every one that I put on, and I’m not even pregnant!!!


Karen May 29, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I would die for chocolate chip cookie sandwiches. They look ahmahzing! Of course, I’m the first comment so I’ll never win…boo! :( I’ll have to buy my own! :)

Skooks May 29, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Crikey! Those look AMAZING. I’m talking about the swimsuits (blech – kidding) and the cookies (NOT KIDDING – - MUST EAT NOW). These look pretty amaze-balls too: http://www.etsy.com/listing/98214590/zoe-cookies

Wowzers. Why don’t I have a separate budget for baked goods?

Tesla May 29, 2012 at 9:21 pm

The chocolate chip sammiches!

And I’m not pregnant, but I have 34DD’s and a muffin top. Finding a bathing suit is pure and total torture. I usually end up in the granny section…. and it sucks. big ones.

Cosby's gal May 29, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Sorry you are having a bad day/week/month(s) MODG.

I’m newly pregnant with my first and now super scared about butt nuts and maternity swimsuits (my husband’s family is forcing a trip to a NC beach town in a few months …)

Bad Kitty Bakery looks pretty amazing … I’d die for the Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach, probably cause I’m Jewish and Rugelach is like a Jewish version of the chocolate chip cookie.

Kelly @ Turned Up to Eleven (formerly Dare to be Domestic) May 29, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I’m going to get all faux-southern on you for a minute and say this.. “Bless your heart girl… seriously… bless.” I can’t imagine the butt-nuts are fun… that’s one of my biggest fears. That and shitting the bed… yep, I sit and worry about shiting the table when I give birth… I’m sure at the moment it happens I’ll just be happy to have some relief but still… ick!

OK I gotta ask is that Blossom in that horrid cover up dress bathing suit at the top? Da-yumn!

I am going to send good vibes your way, warm fuzzies and finding the perfect suit vibes. I won’t even go near a swim suit this year… and I’m not pregnant… just seriously bloated. I might be giving birth to a baby pizza or chicken wing… fo’ real!

oxox get yourself some chocolate and candy and put your feet up and relax… that is if G will let you!

Farah Soetaert May 29, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Sorry for your butt nuts and maternity swimsuits, not a good combo!!! :(

I sold die for any of those bake goods because I have a 3 yo and 1 yo twins and would pretty much die for anything that is mildly not kid related or involving pooping, puking or peeing on me for 2 seconds a day.

Dawn May 29, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Ok I would totally DIE for about 27 of those Zoe cookies. Like right now. Or the choc chip sandwiches! Ummm hello!?!? It all looks crazy good, really.

I lust.

mz May 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

one word – jcrew. their pieces are perfect for pregnant bodies this year…

also, land’s end will spare you the polka dots and bows too!

julie s. May 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I have to go for the raspberry chocolate rugelach…I would die for those. But also maybe the chocolate chip sandwiches…it’s too hard to decide.

jess May 29, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Pretty sure I want to eat the Betty Rolls every day for the rest of my life.
(And I’m totally sad about the melted MAC makeup, did any survive?)

Ashley C May 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

I’m 7 months pregnant and I’d just about die for anything in their shop…sugar is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning to function with my toddler. The pound cake sampler pack sounds especially delightful…3 red velvet cakes might last me through nap time.

Emily D. May 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

I would die for the chocolate chip sandwich cookies! yummm!

And as far as butt nuts….get prescription suppositories!! That is the only thing to give you 100% relief. I know this….

Wendy May 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Besides the sandwiches I would die for the key lime cookies. They look so delicious. Hope your butt nuts give you a break!

Dawn May 29, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Sorry, I got distracted by the goodies that I forgot my original comment. I’m really sorry your butt nuts have not left you in peace. Seriously, those are friends no one wants. I also feel you on the maternity suit thing. WTF is with these BS maternity stores? I don’t want bows and shit tied around my waist. Not now (at 13 weeks and just looking fat) or ever! Vom.

Maura May 29, 2012 at 9:27 pm

People mag has a picture today of Tori Spelling wearing a really cute suit while pregnant! You could rock it.

Dara S. May 29, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I need some raspberry chocolate rugalach in my mouf!

KB May 29, 2012 at 9:27 pm

The tankini reminded me… When I am pregnant, I don’t need a shirt that ties around me. Yes, I know I’m fat, but I don’t need to physically tie shirts onto my body. I’m not that fat. Screw you, maternity retailers that sell tie in the back shirts. And screw tankini’s, because there’s nothing like being so fat you have to just have extra hanging fabric around your midsection.

Nikole May 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Those chocolate chip cookies and the pound cake sample pack look amazing. While I’d love to make some of that in this house, baby C can’t eat it yet, and the hubs is deployed… so you know who would get “stuck” eating it all.

I’ll be in a similar boat next year when my eggo gets preggo with spawn #2, that’s assuming my butt nuts even go away before then. Yes that’s right, baby C is 10 months old, and they’re stilllllll there. It’s to the point where my hubs asks me if they’re still there, no “hi babe how are you” no. It’s, are they still there? Why haven’t they gone away yet, don’t they bother you? Yes, they bother me. Ugh.

Good luck with swimsuit shopping, I went for the bikini. Gained 55-60lbs and still rocked it. And at that point honestly, who cares.

Meghan May 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Ummm I’d die for the chocolate chip sandwich cookies. Please. Thank you.

Gigi May 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Omg Modg, I die for red velvet layer cake!

Krista May 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm

old navy is awesome for cheap maternity stuff that you don’t want to buy because no matter what you are going to look fat. and then when you still look crappy in pictures you can blame it on cheap clothes. everyone wins.
so i did a little shopping for you and found a suit that would look as cute as possible and would hopefully highlight pregnancy boobs instead of the “am I pregnant? or do I just drink a lot of beer” gut.

Emily May 29, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I would die for some of those chocolate chip cookies.

Also, I got an Old Navy maternity suit and loved it for public outings. Rest of the time I was in my bikini.

Cat May 29, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Gotta confess – I love tankinis and yes, even though I’m not much above 100 lbs, I wear a swim dress. It’s cute and entirely lacking in bows, pokladots or pink (and doesn’t look like the freaky Dugger dresses you posted – um wow). I love it because a) I am ‘glow in the dark’ pale and nobody wants to see that b) after 3 kids my stretch marks have stretch marks and nobody wants to see that and c) despite the fact that I doubt anyone would classify me as fat, the former-anorexic in me assumes that nobody wants to see that.

However, if you can rock a suit that doesn’t have a skirt or lots of fabric around your middle – go you! I’ve seen lots of ladies successfully pull of a tiny bikini while pregnant (jealous!) and everyone thought the belly was adorable. Awww.

Thanks for the post!

Rose May 29, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Sorry for the butt nuts! I’m in the same boat as you with those. But some chocolate chip sandwich cookies from Bad Kitty Bakery would make my nuts feel all better (for at least 5 minutes)!

Elizabeth May 29, 2012 at 9:31 pm

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT GET THE SWIM DRESS. And, just wear your regular bikini with a really cute tank top over it. Like, a Spanx tank top. Glamorous? NO. Serves the purpose? YES. Why spend money on a suit you are going to wear for a mere three months? Unless you are rolling in the dough, spend the money on something way more practical, like shit for the baby. Truly, is there anyone that’s going to see you who you actually give a crap about “impressing” with your beachwear that no matter what is going to blatantly show that you are pregnant no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not? Rock that belly. You only have a half a year left of it.
Or better yet, don’t listen to me. I shop at the Dollar Tree a few times a year.

Lauren @ Turquoise & Gold May 29, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I bought this little guy at motherhood maternity. It’s pretty cute, but the bump part was cut very full and may still be too big for you.

Here’s a really sexy picture of me wearing my maternity swimsuit with ankle socks.

Shannon May 29, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Hysterical! You had me laughing out loud as usual!! I saw the bakery website, and those Zoe cookies have me drooling! Something about the almond flavor that almost makes them seem healthy. ;)

lalalovely lindsay May 29, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach: Fruit and chocolate? Yes, please!

Brittany May 29, 2012 at 9:37 pm

You are really making me want to be all Angelina Jolie and adopt babies from third world countries. Just kidding, I want my own kids and maybe an adopted kid. We’ll see.

I would die for those cookie sandwiches. Yum!

Jennah May 29, 2012 at 9:38 pm

BETTY ROLLS bc omg rolls.

Also – I went through the maternity swimsuit thing last year. I was like 6 months preg at the beach. I actually ended up ordering some NWT ones from ebay that were Old Navy and OK. I had like 4 maternity suits for 7 days at the beach and that was the only time I was going to wear them. But whatever. When there, mostly I just said screw it and went with the 2 pieces and showed my belly. But I did get one maternity suit that WAS a tankini but I LOVED it. So cute. It just as ruched sides so honestly I’ll prob wear it this year, too. It was from frigging Kmart!! That Sofia Vergara is on to something.

Jess May 29, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Oh honey. Just wear a two piece with a tank top over it. Solves all problems.

Elizabeth May 30, 2012 at 2:01 am

What she said. Perfect.

Ann May 30, 2012 at 11:54 am

ditto – just use lots of sunscreen on your belly cause the sun gives you worse stretchmarks…

Keri May 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

That’s what I did with #2. Because #1 wouldn’t let me stay inside either. Damn kids. No need to invest in a freaking bathing suit that you HATE and won’t wear much. just throw on a bikini, and a crappy tank that you don’t care about. and screw everyone- you’re pregnant, why do you care what they think?!

Melissa May 29, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I feel you. The maternity bathing suit I had during my 1st pregnancy made me feel like a stuffed sausage and I vowed never to do that to myself again. I actually found one that I really like – no polka dots or bows, but it is a Tankini. I’ve never liked them, except this one works for me – Yep, me in a bathing suit

And I would like to shove some Cinnamon Sugar Blooms in my mouth, thanks.

Helen May 29, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Sorry to hear about the butt nuts, but at least you have the guts to go for a swimsuit. My nearly 7 month pregnant self can’t fathom the thought. And speaking of not wearing swimsuits, I would love everything from the bakery. But if I’m going to be a good Jew, it has to be the rugelach.

Erika May 29, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I want the chocolate chip sandwiches pronto! The Betty rolls look tasty right now too. Thanks :)

Truc May 29, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Key lime cookies?!?! Hot damn.

Valerie W May 29, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I’m in the same boat you are and finally decided on a tankini. BIG mistake. Not only do I look like a total fatass, but when you get out of the water in a tankini it just hangs there and is heavy and uncomfortable… not to mention hideous. I’m thinking one-piece. I’ll let you know if I find one that’s not horrible.
I am now dying for those zoe cookies with the white chocolate and milk chocolate in them, and also those delicious looking cookie sandwiches. Heaven.

lorena May 29, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Mmmmmm, the cookie sandwiches look delicious!

burk7556 May 29, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I feel for you!! I got them with both pregnancies – my first was sitting somewhere funny and they literally popped up around month 6 & were excruciating – I pushed for 2 hours and ended up with a section and when the anesthesia wore off my h-roids had doubled but went away quickly – like 3 weeks, not even. With pregnancy #2 they showed up right away but no pain, just annoying (no thongs of course). I was hopeful for a vbac so once again I pushed and pushed and pushed but ended up with a section (obv dont let this deter you in the slightest, I have a tiny frame and both of my boys were 9+ pounders with giant shoulders – neither could descend bc of a shoulder hang). ANYWAY – my h-roids went from pebbles to fingerling potatoes – im still scared when I think about what they looked like after all that pushing – but they totally shrunk down to nothing in a few weeks.

oh and last year splendid (via pea in the pod) made the cutest suit!! Maybe they are selling something similar this season! it was fantastic!

Andrea May 29, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Key lime cookies and a side of guilt please! I can’t get my ass in a bathing suit and I’m not pregnant…ugh.

Whitney M May 29, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Chocolate Chip Sandwiches look sinful!

Krista G May 29, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Ooh those sandwiches look amazing but I NEED to try the Zoe cookies. *drool*

For you, I’m sorry my only suggestion is to buy the Tucks from Amazon=no clerks to give you the pity eyes. At least you got cookies.

Summer May 29, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I would do horrible things for those key lime cookies. Just sayin.

Maureen May 29, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Also being knocked up, I completely sympathize – I bought a fugly ON maternity suit for a week-long family vacation at the beach, only to have it rain the entire time. The one day I wore it, I just got bug bites EVERYWHERE. Yes, please add some more itchy red bumps to my ass. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I would rub any of those treats all over my face, but those rugulach are calling my name for some reason. I like cookies. The end.

eileen marie May 29, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I am torn between the Zoe cookies (sorry can’t figure out the umlaat) and the chocolate chip sandwiches! Egads! (And why is that polka-dotted, bow bedecked woman hotter than me?! Waaa!)

Amanda May 29, 2012 at 10:00 pm

The Zoe cookies from Bad Kitty need to get in my belly ASAP!! Yum!

I’m so sorry about the literal pain in your rear :-( I wish I had some words of wisdom to share with you… Hang in there… and maybe order your Tucks online so you don’t have to get the pity side-eye from the chick at the Rite-Aid.

Anita May 29, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Their Raspberry Chocolate Rugelachs look awesome…dark chocolate and raspberries, you can’t go wrong!!

Caroline Blackwood May 29, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I would die for the key lime cookies…and the Betty rolls…and the lemon rosemary shortbread! Wow these look SO good!

Angi May 29, 2012 at 10:02 pm

First and foremost, I am absolutely terrified of getting butt nuts when I get pregnant. The husband and I have tentative plans to spawn a child in the next year or so, and I swear I’ve already got phantom butt nuts. DREAD.

Second (maybe more importantly) I am upset about this BadKitty Bakery business. I did not need another way to stuff my face with sugar.

That said, I’ll take the Key Lime cookies, thanks.

eileen marie May 29, 2012 at 10:02 pm

(Sorry if this is a repeat, but I’m having trouble w/ my comments showing up -moderation?) It’s a tough all btwn the Zoe cookies (sorry -can’t figure out the umlaat) and the chocolate chip sandwiches. YUM. (And why is that woman in the bows and polka dots so hot?!)

a May 29, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Umm… I would absolutely die for the Zoe Cookies. And if they dissolve my butt nuts that is a serious bonus.

Allie P May 29, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Duh, I would INHALE a chocolate layer cake! Sorry to hear about the nether region troubles :(

kpa May 29, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I got something similar to this at Target when I was pregnant: http://www.target.com/p/Liz-Lange-for-Target-Maternity-Halter-One-Piece-Swim-Dress-Black/-/A-13942302#?lnk=sc_qi_detailimage

Black. One piece. BUT, I felt good in it and it did the trick for $40.

Chocolate chip sandwiches!!!!

Jessica W May 29, 2012 at 10:09 pm

I want the pound cake sampler. And the chocolate chip cookies. And the cookie sandwiches. I want them all. I’ve been dieting for all of 2 days, and I needs me some sugar.

Sarah K May 29, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I would pretty much shove the chocolate chip sandwiches or the cinnamon sugar blooms into my face if they were in front of me. I would probably not share them, unless my husband or son asked nicely. Probably not though….

Anne-Marie May 29, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Have you tried Asos? They have a cute maternity line.

Abby May 29, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Those chocolate chip cookie sandwiches look amazing.

Amy B May 29, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I too am feeling sucky about bathing suits – 11 mos after and I’m far from prime. I decided to embrace the covered up suit and got myself a tankini – with the option of regular bottom or skirt, no less, and even got a swim dress. I decided that the swim dress I got was sort of vintage cute in a 1940s way and I’ll wear a straw hat and go with it like I was trying to be fashionable. I’m going to be ass-deep in sand playing with the child anyway, so who cares. Sorry you had a sucky day! At least you got to go on an adult outing!

SarahK May 29, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Ima need those chocolate chip jawns.

Also, try a plus size suit in target.

Finally, check out these MSpaint battles. Hilarious. http://www.reddit.com/r/mspaintbattles

Anne May 29, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Have you tried Asos? They have some cute maternity clothes.

Heather May 29, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Just rock a regular bikini. I mean, c’mon when else will it be OK to be fat and wear one? I had a late August baby and I took my butt to Old Navy and just bought a size bigger top and bottom and rocked it all summer. (side note, I have been extremely lucky to have not gotten stretch marks on my belly or butt nuts)

Lindsey May 29, 2012 at 10:35 pm


Ali Hochberg May 29, 2012 at 10:36 pm

First: bad kitty bakery. My hips hate that I looked at this site. At first I was all “ooh, chocolate chip sandwiches” but then I *had* to look at all the options and saw the Zoe cookies. So, still a total tie between the two but, if I had to choose, it might be the chocolate chip sandwiches still because I ALWAYS walk by the cookies places in the mall and look at the sandwiches thinking how much I want one. If they were sent to me (and individually wrapped, like the bakery says it does!) it’s like a gift…and who says no to a gift??
Butt nuts suck…my first (and only) was a vaginal birth and that region still has not recovered almost 14-months later. I found “on the go” tubes of butt nut cream which help in a pinch, but I live in mortal fear that either A) one will be pulled out by Homeland Security while passing through the airport and presented for all to see, or 2) one will accidentally fall out/be pulled out by the baby while at a play date…or in the bank…or while grocery shopping.
Maternity bathing suits are all el-sucko. Seriously, buy a bikini and rock it. If you wear a maternity suit it’s like your trying to hide the elephant in the room. Just wear a bikini and then either answer people’s questions of “are you pregnant” with “no, I just drank too much last weekend” or “no, I ate too much chocolate over Easter” or better yet “yes” (while drinking a n/a beer). Serious.

Kristi May 29, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I need those chocolate chip sandwiches….like EMERGENCY!!!!!!! DROOLING!

Lisa May 29, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Chocolate Chip Sandwiches-Now be a badass kitty and send em’! Yummmmmm!

Bre May 29, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I’m reading this in class and I started getting the giggles around tankini – then I read duggers and actually had to leave for a pretend bathroom break because of my uncontrollable bursts of laughter. Note to self do not read MODG when your bored out of your mind in a Project Management Scheduling and Techniques class. Thanks though for killing about 10 minutes of this hell.

Bryn Miller May 29, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I’d die for the cookie sandwiches. They state they are obscene… I must know what obscene tastes like!!

Amber May 29, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Ugh. I totally understand the butt nuts situation. I’m also pregnant (due in September), and spend my days with my water-loving toddler (20 months). I didn’t get a maternity swim suit last pregnancy and didn’t want to this time, but it’s just necessary. I know you said you’re not loving tankinis, but I got this cheap one from Target that has a cute retro look and I love it. I’ve just been wearing it with black bikini bottoms I already have, and it works.

Laura May 29, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Agreed. It’s the absolute worst. I feel the need to share my luck – I bought this suit from Target two summers ago one size bigger than usual and wore it all through my pregnancy and got lots of compliments. I’m 16 weeks now with my second and I still like it – I think it’s the only thing of my old maternity stuff I looked forward to putting on. http://www.target.com/p/Merona-Womens-Shirred-1-Piece-Swimdress-Assorted-Colors/-/A-13720977#?lnk=sc_qi_detailbutton
Reviews make it sound like it’s a little shorter this year but might be worth a look at Target?

Jill May 29, 2012 at 10:58 pm

My butt nuts came back this pregnancy too. With a vengeance. So bad I had to give up thongs for “girl shorts”. Still on the hunt for the true “No panty line promise”. I’m 4 weeks from my due date now so pretty much I would die for anything on the Bad Kitty’s menu. I’m thinking my butt nuts would respond best to the lemon rosemary shortbread cookies OR the Betty bread OR red velvet ANYTHING. Yum yum and yum.

Jenni May 29, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Apple cider vinegar on the butt nuts throughout the day. It works. It was the only thing that worked.

DoMo May 29, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Cookies! Now THAT is a giveaway! The Zoë cookies look yumm with flecks of vanilla!

As for maternity swimwear, my fave 2 were from Target and Zulily (Pez D’Or). The advantage of the tankini is easy access when you need to urgently use the bathroom.

I’m sorry about your butt nuts & the makeup. :(

gail May 29, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Just wear a bikini. You’re pregnant and have a perfect excuse for a belly, unlike me who’s only excuse is I don’t do enough crunches and eat too much cake. I so wish I had been pregnant during the summer so I could wear a bikini and make the tongues wag….
G won’t care- he thinks you are beautiful, butt nuts and all <3

jamie May 29, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Sorry about your butt nuts. Have you looked on ASOS.com? They might have a non ugly suit for you…..

As for bad kitty, I would choose those cookie sandwiches they’re giving away (no need to browse any further…although you better believe I did). yes , please!

Mary Ellen May 29, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Have you tried Earth Mama, Angel Baby’s Mama Bottom Balm for your butt nuts? It works wonders and is certified hippie shit (and safe for use during pregnancy).

I want some of those chocolate chip sandwiches in my belly immediately. They look amazing!

leslie May 29, 2012 at 11:23 pm

the lemon shortbread… I WANTS IT. good luck with your swimsuit dilemna :/

michelle May 29, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Being pregnant sucks. But cookies help. Especially sandwich cookies! Or those cinnamon sugar ones. Or any of them, really. They all look amazing, but the almost $10 shipping…ouch! Not as painful as maternity swimsuit shopping, of course. :-) Sorry you’ve had it so rough.

Leah May 29, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Um.. chocolate chip sandwiches, duh.
Even though your life is a pile of suck right now… your words are awesome. When your book is published and you do a reading of this chapter, you’ll thank your butt nuts. Or maybe everyone else listening will thank them. and you. for sharing your awesomely hilarious life.

Laura May 29, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Try Target’s maternity suits. I got two tankini tops and one regular plain black bottom in a size larger than I normally wear. And no, they aren’t cute bathing suits, but they are cheap, which makes up for it.

Nikki May 29, 2012 at 11:48 pm

The Key Lime ones look amazing, but I just placed an order for the lemon rosemary shortbread ones and the pound cake sampler……just to ensure that the baby weight stays around…can’t wait (weight, haha) ’till they come…..

Also, dreading our 13 mo old’s first swim class this week. I’m going for two pieces with a cover-up like this one I found on ebay. Horizontal stripes are probably a bad idea, but if I run into people I know I feel like I won’t be totally humiliated and if I need to just drive home without changing, etc. I won’t feel like an idiot.

Nicole Raber May 29, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Poor MODG. Butt nuts are the worst. :-/

But I bet you could ROCK any maternity suit, even with butt nuts, even if it is all pink bows and polka-dots. I personally rocked tankini suits that showed off my awesome preggo rack. The only way a tankini is acceptable is with uber cleavage.

Kelly @ SFTC May 29, 2012 at 11:50 pm

my son is 10 years old. AND SO ARE MY EFFING BUTT NUTS. No hippie bullshit potion lotion thing will make them go away. Straight up surgery, which I am doing in like a month. I’ll keep you posted. I don’t even remember what it would be like to be able to take a dump and just wipe my ass, and not have to also get a wet wipe, and clean MY BUTT NUT TOO. Yeah. TMI? Whatever people. A ten year old butt nut will do that to you.

smashleighmm May 29, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Chocolate Chip Sandwiches!!!
The “Old Granny Dumpkins” Picture made me laugh. In turn, I will make you laugh: I own a tankini from Costco.

Nicole Raber May 29, 2012 at 11:54 pm

And I totally spaced and failed to tell you that the Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach looks amazing and death worthy.

HOLLY May 30, 2012 at 12:02 am

I’m 9 months pregnant and have an obsession with peanut butter chocolate combo. I did not see this option. :( I would eat thee Hell out of the ZOE COOKIES though.

Effff butt nutts!! I had them for about 4 yrs after kiddo #1. 3 months of normal ass feeling, then I get them back with this pregnancy. I feel ur pain and frustration.

Jill L-G May 30, 2012 at 12:14 am

I did Target and Old Navy, and actually found not so terrible suits – oh, and had a regular-sized tankini so the excess tummy fabric didn’t flap around like the tent that it was.

Worth a try!

Taylor D. May 30, 2012 at 12:15 am

Zoe cookies would rock my world….although, letsbehonest, I’d pretty much eat anything Bad Kitty Bakery is willing to make for me :)

Jen May 30, 2012 at 12:16 am


I really “love” you in an internet way and all, but just go to TJMaxx already and find a cute suit. Two piece, one piece, who gives a shit. Just one you feel cute(ish) in, or are at least comfortable in. Don’t let pregnancy get you down. The most awesome people are the ones who are so comfortable with themselves that they don’t give a damn (scarlett) what others think. And, I think you are (or can be) one of those awesome people. Teach G how to dish it back to self-consciousness.


Internet Stranger

StaceyD May 30, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Thank God someone said it. I understand it supposed to over the top and funny — but seriously, its a bathing suit.

Courtney May 30, 2012 at 12:22 am

OMG this is so hilarious and gross and true at the same time. I wanted to laughcry when I read it. And the shittay thing is; those damn butt nuts don’t go away after pregnancy — not even like 10 months later! I’m still sitting on a pile of butt nuts! Albeit, they’re not nearly as bad, I can’t feel them anymore and they’re just like a limb now, like an arm or something. But god, I wonder what my husband thinks of my situation down there during, ya know… He asked me recently if I had them after seeing something funny talking about hemmies. And I looked at him all; ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?? I wanted to die of mortification. Annnnnd he laughed at my reaction, which means he’s become very intimate with my nuts. HAHA

BTW, I had hemmies so bad in early pregnancy, right about the spot you’re at, that I had to stay home from work because I couldn’t even WALK! The doc gave me a rectal suppository to use for 14 days and dang, it worked! The butt nuts never went away, but they were hard as a freakin rock anymore! *sighs*

Jessica May 30, 2012 at 12:26 am

Cream cheese buttercream? Yes please! Those sandwiches look and sound amazing!

Melissa May 30, 2012 at 12:31 am

The Lemon Rosemary Shortbread cookies are intriguing… but I would probably actually go for the Chocolate Chip Sandwiches.

JULI C May 30, 2012 at 12:36 am

HoLy what the heck are those Chocolate Chip Sandwich cookies?!??!!?!
I want them please =) I won’t die for them, but i will kill for them!

sorry i don’t have any tips for butt nuts. =(

Kari May 30, 2012 at 12:39 am

I would totally die for key lime cookies!! I hate bathing suits. Being 7 months post partum with a stupid c section makes it awful enough, so not ready to do it pregnant again. Good luck!

samantha May 30, 2012 at 1:03 am

I would love those chocolate chip sandwich cookies. I think I gained 5 pounds just looking at them. They look like those nestle toll house cookie sandwich cookies that I can only find for sale individually and they cost a million dollars. Plus why not screw up my diet before summer officially starts haha!

melissa May 30, 2012 at 1:18 am

I got mine from Motherhood and actually got a few compliments, and trust me, I am huge at 30 weeks pregs…bring on the compliments….and foot rubs. no? Anyway, I would kill for those sandwich cookies on their website — look fantastical.

Jessica May 30, 2012 at 1:23 am

i would love to try their bundt cake!

Laura Miyazaki May 30, 2012 at 1:58 am

Bananas for Rachel Zoe cookies…

audrey May 30, 2012 at 2:13 am

You should check out the book Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin. He has good tips for getting rid of butt nuts. Not sure it’s for pregnancy butt nuts, but it couldn’t make it worse. Good luck with that.

Melissa May 30, 2012 at 2:37 am

Trying on swim suits sucks big fat butt nuts… even more so when you’re preggers and actually have butt nuts. Sorry for your make-up loss too. Bummer. Awesome give away, though! I almost had a for real Orgasm with a capital ‘O’ when I saw those chocolate chip cookies. Nommers. I will be using that discount code. Thanks!

River's Mama May 30, 2012 at 4:04 am

I absolutely love your blog! Hilarious! Read it religiously.
My hubby would die for the chocolate chip sandwiches, or even the chocolate chip cookies alone. .. In fact everything on that sight looks delicious! (and I would die for them too) But he’s my cookie monster and he put up with me through all the same prego symptoms you so hilariously discuss, and works SO HARD to take care of our baby and I! He deserves those chocolate chip sandwiches and SO much more!
Hope you recover quickly! So sorry, hopefully the cookies helped take your mind off of it a little. Keep making me laugh my face off with your blog, and hope you are able to laugh at yourself a little too! And there’s NO way you look anything other than gorgeous in those swimsuits, even of it doesn’t feel that way!

Lisa May 30, 2012 at 6:26 am

Chocolate chip sandwiches, hands down.
And really, I need them—reading about butt nuts makes me scared to have kids. And I know, that’s the least of it! I mean, I know it’s way better after the baby is born and starts ruining your stuff….

Stacy May 30, 2012 at 6:30 am

I would love some chocolate chip sandwich cookies. I too am still in the fat stage at 14 weeks. My suit is not terrible but as my chest has gotten at least a size bigger I just look vulgar in my strapless push-up VS top. Very hooker-mom. I have not tried to find a new suit yet. I feel your pain on the butt nuts. Sorry. I have a friend who found a cute suit at motherhood maternity if that helps.

Heather May 30, 2012 at 7:22 am

Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach. Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach. Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach. Maybe it’s like dorthy and if I say it three times they will appear :)

Erin May 30, 2012 at 7:33 am

I want those lemon rosemary shortbread, or the chocolate chip woopie pie sandwich things, or a layer cake to myself….I mean honestly does it even matter…I want to gain 20lbs from this site~

Katie R-G May 30, 2012 at 7:35 am

I found a pinup style regular (non-maternity) bathing suit at…gulp…WALMART. Ew, but YAY. Cuz that bitch was like $30 and I wore it almost every weekend when I was pregnant with my now 19 month old. And I wore it last summer when I was still gushy in the middle and breastfeeding…AND I plan on wearing it all this summer since the newbie is due in December. It kept my boobs in check, didn’t ride up my cottage cheese ass, and smoothed out my muffin top. And I just bought it in my normal size since bathing suits are stretchy anyway and I knew I wouldn’t be wearing it at 8 or 9 months.

Now let’s talk about those key lime cookies…

Kelly May 30, 2012 at 7:44 am

LOVE cookies!! The shortbread look interesting and the ZOE’s look great too!

christine May 30, 2012 at 7:46 am

you can NEVER go wrong with good ol chocolate chip cookies. Especially when they look like those! YUM.

Kelly May 30, 2012 at 7:50 am

for my first pregnancy (when I was skinny like you) I just wore my usual teeny bikinis all the way up to day before delivery. you should do that.

you can send me some cookie sandwiches, please!!!

Karen May 30, 2012 at 8:02 am

Hi MODG, I would love the Key Lime Cookies because anything Key Lime takes me back to being on the beach, or the Chocolate Raspberry Rugelach because Chocolate + Raspberry, is there a better marriage than that ?
Seriously, hope the butt gets better :)

Casey @ The Baker Bee May 30, 2012 at 8:03 am

1. I actually happen to love bathing suit shopping. I particularly love that my boobs are now so small after nursing Bug that even the small tops at Target don’t fit. Fantfuckingtastic.
2. I didn’t know you could sell baked goods on Etsy. Badass.
3. Holy chocolate chop sandwich cookies. I want them and I want them now.
4. Good luck with your butt nuts. I feel for you.

Alicia May 30, 2012 at 8:08 am

Key LIME COOKIES!!! YUm. Though the chocolate chip filled ones look pretty tasty. You can buy cookie on etsy. Who knew?? I feel you on the maternity suit shopping. Its a nightmare. I bought one early too because reg suits didn’t fit. I live in FL so water season starts early. So I just dealt with it being too big and floppy in the belly until I filled it out. Because I am NOT going back and doing it again later. Good luck!

Shannon M May 30, 2012 at 8:22 am

Hope your ass starts to feel better…soon! And i like all their cookies, and maybe a cake or two. How about we do it the reverse way, what don’t i like and really this is a stretch…shortbread. The End. Thanks!

Linden May 30, 2012 at 8:28 am

I’m preg… Due in august and those chocolate chip sandwiches look like heaven. Chocolate chip cookies have been my one “craving” although I’m pretty sure I’m just blaming my sweet tooth on the baby. Oops. Also- maternity bathing suits scare me to death. I was forced to wear one this weekend and swore that my next baby would bs due in April or May so I could avoid that whole situation. Not cool.

amanda May 30, 2012 at 8:32 am

the key lime cookies for sure!

Rae May 30, 2012 at 8:58 am

The Chocolate Chip Sandwiches for sure! They look fabulous!

Marjorie May 30, 2012 at 8:59 am

I am now DYING for the Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach! Seriously. I NEED them.

I’m sorry about your butt nuts. I have them too and they suck. So do tankinis. A bunch of flappy, wet fabric sticking to your belly, just sounds really uncomfortable. You’re pregnant, not fat, so just rock a regular bikini.

Sarah May 30, 2012 at 9:06 am

Pound cake sampler!

Kelly May 30, 2012 at 9:06 am

Imagine having cellulite EVERYDAY….welcome to my world.

It may be because I want to eat every single one of those Zoe cookies! I would if I had them.

One Ring To Rule Them All May 30, 2012 at 9:09 am

You’re sharing something that I’m pretty much in awe of – the pregnancy thing, not the butt nut (although that’s pretty fascinating, too.) Good on ya, and it’ll get better! I mean, it HAS to, right?

And yes, I’m dreaming of zoe cookies. But mostly how awesome you are.

Karen May 30, 2012 at 9:10 am

Dude, I stopped being pregnant about 8 months ago but I’m still rocking some tummy fat (argh!) and had to buy a swimsuit too. I searched and found this:
$35 at Target– the gathered fabric is on the back too, and it hides extra bulges. You can pull it down on the sides to help you with thigh unpretties, or keep it up on your torso for extra give there. Try it!

Sara May 30, 2012 at 11:28 am

This is actually pretty cute. I wish they had it in maternity sizes!

christy May 30, 2012 at 9:10 am

chocolate chip sandwiches, please!

I’m in the same boat this summer… I’ve resigned myself to maternity polka dots. oh well.

Jessica May 30, 2012 at 9:10 am

i would die for some of those chocolate chip sandwiches. shut right up.

i am sorry about your butt nuts modg :(. i bought a one piece from motherhood maternity, but i don’t mind polka dots and this sucker has them all over it. i agree about bows though. every freaking top has bows and ribbons around it.. why? why i ask you?? i am not 7!

Marion May 30, 2012 at 9:11 am

Cinnamon Sugar Blooms! And, during this pregnancy phase, I just wore my usual bikini and showed off my round belly. It’s actually supposed to be very healthy for the baby to get so much Vitamin D. At least, that’s what the hippies tell me. :)

Sarah May 30, 2012 at 9:15 am

GAH! sandwich cookies! Zoes! Need them. Just send all THREE sets of cookies to me, because 1) its less work for you, 2) its more deliciousness for me, and 3) That would be just generally great.

I think a key part of this bathing suit dilemma (that some commenters are missing) is that you’re NOT FULL BLOWN pregnant yet. A BIG ol belly is a nice focal point, and distracts people from the other unsightly parts. The EARLY pregs, well, thats just the worst. I say you just start sticking the gut out, so you are “showing” more – it’s liberating to do the reverse gut suck.

And focus on other key distraction devices – like your massive milk wagons. Rally those bad boys up into some supportive yet risque cups, and work em like jayne mansfield. And throw on a kick ass hat or something. Distract the eye away from the butt nuts hanging out the back of your suit :-)

Katie R-G May 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

LMFAO! That shit was funny.

Lorah May 30, 2012 at 9:20 am

I am having a hard time finding a suit too. I am 5mo. and I have to have something that is decent for family pool partys and such. I have huge boobs so tankinis are awful support wise so I never tried the maternity ones. The one peices are ok, but I wonder how they will really look the bigger I get. So if you ever find one that is cute and not like a million dollars let us know!

And the BadKitty Bakery stuffs I would LOVE to have are the Betty rolls. And pretty much everything else because this baby has given me a sweet tooth!!!

LCS929 May 30, 2012 at 9:21 am


I have worn this bathing suit through two pregnancies now. It stretches perfectly and looks very flattering. Also, I am under no illusions that perhaps I have a small belly and this may not work for everyone. I am 5’2, short waisted, and my son was 9 pounds! This suit should work for everyone. Check it out!

CarrieK May 30, 2012 at 9:28 am

Ummmm, those Zoe cookies? Yum!
Swimsuits and buttnuts, not fun. I have resorted to the tankini.

Mrs. Newlywed Giggles May 30, 2012 at 9:29 am

Because of this post, I am afraid to ever get pregnant. lol.

The Cinnamon sugar blooms look delish.

Lindsay Hutchins May 30, 2012 at 9:35 am

chocolate chip sandwiches!!

Lynn May 30, 2012 at 9:37 am

I didn’t get to read all of the comments so sorry if someone already told you this magic but absolutely try suppositories if you haven’t yet. They are a life saver – after it stops feeling weird that cocoa butter is melting in your butt nuts.

On a related note, I would die for chocolate chip cookie sandwiches. Because I would probably die for anything with buttercream involved.

PS – you would probably look better pregnant, in any kind of bathing suit, than most of us would on a regular day. Hot mom FTW.

Rachel May 30, 2012 at 9:39 am

Chocolate chip cookie sandwiches!!! I DIE for anything with frosting.

I bought this in blue and it worked well. I would normally wear a small and got a medium. As a rule through my pregnancies I did better with non-maternity clothes and bought things in bigger size and loose fitting dresses and tops.


Kristy May 30, 2012 at 9:40 am

OMG, shut up, the Chocolate Chip Sandwiches!! Sorry about the nuts!

Genevieve May 30, 2012 at 9:54 am

I should have been wearing a pad when I read about the sarong and the TLC video because I’m pretty sure I just pissed myself laughing.

Kaelaqlc May 30, 2012 at 10:03 am

Sorry about your butt nuts, MODG. I hope they vacate the butt premises soon!

I would die/kill/divorce for the chocolate chip cookies – I guess I’m a traditionalist at heart.

Kat Chandler May 30, 2012 at 10:03 am

I want to stuff my face with the chocolate chip sandwhiches… mostly because I have a true weakness for buttercream frosting…

Hanna May 30, 2012 at 10:06 am

Gimme gimme gimme those cinnamon sugar blooms!!! YUmmm NOW.

Lo May 30, 2012 at 10:16 am

I just had to get a maternity bathing suit. . . it sounds counterintuitive, but try TARGET. They sell them as separates, so I was able to get a pair of black bottoms and then 2 tops. Both black, one strapless with a gold buckle on the cleavage and one halter with silver grommets on the halter top. Both were actually totally passable. Good luck!

singalongforboozers May 30, 2012 at 10:22 am

MODG-apologies for your butt nuts….guess they just needed a hot ass to hang on to and you were the pregita weiner -uh-winner…

Meanwhile, I just lost aprox. 40lbs and would take out an entire parade of butt nuts/clowns/ponies/children for some butter croutons! I’m a carb junkie tryin’ to be in rehab (but I said NO. NO. NO.).

So there you have it. Good luck with your butt. Sprinkle some sparkles on your little friends and tell them Ke$ha laid eggs in your ass. Or not. xoxo

Virginia May 30, 2012 at 10:31 am

Check out the picture posted yesterday on people.com of Tori Spelling. That is always an option.

Windy City Kelley's May 30, 2012 at 10:35 am

You should try Target for a bathing suit. They have a lot of 1 pieces for the first part of your pregnancy and some OK tankini’s for the second part (read: all black). It’s the only place I’ve had any luck so far.

jenn May 30, 2012 at 10:40 am

google kourtney kardashian pregnant bathing suit, she rocked tons of different bathing suits throughout her pregnancy. bikini, full pieces, bottoms with flowy tops.

Amy May 30, 2012 at 10:43 am

Would probably die for those key lime cookies. Also…as a butt nut survivor (and two-time bojingo birther)…I can tell you that with some miralax, several tons of water, and some nice Target-brand “Tucks,” you WILL get through this. Also…do the sitz bath thing. Do it. Just a nice warm tub with some lovely salts. At very least there will probably be some sort of aromatherapy or something. The butt nuts really are awful. At least we can’t see them, right? (WRONG, if you’re using the mirror while delivering…then you can’t see your baby’s head because you’re too consumed with the ENORMITY of the nuts. {So sorry to be talking about cookies and birthing with a mirror in the same comment…what a wreck.})

Sara May 30, 2012 at 10:45 am

I’m around the same stage as you – I just feel fat all the time instead of looking pregnant. I haven’t even started looking at maternity bathing suits yet…not looking forward to that!

I would give my right arm to have some of those chocolate chip sandwich cookies, they look amazing!

Nicole B May 30, 2012 at 10:45 am

I would die for Chocolate Chip Sandwiches …Please and thank you

RaeRae May 30, 2012 at 10:50 am

Sorry for the butt nuts. Does it give you an idea of how dudes feel w/ their nuts flopping around in front? I’ve always been curious about that.

Maternity suits are an unholy evil. I ordered one from Old Navy when preg and had to suffer the hot pink tankini top. My mom shamed me out of wearing a 2 piece, but I think I’d totally rock one next time around.

Oh, and I’d punch an old lady for those chocolate chip cookies.

Ericka May 30, 2012 at 11:00 am

I’m sorry about your butt nuts and swimsuit dilemma. I wish I had a remedy for you all I can come up with is eat more delicious stuff from Bad Kitty Bakery. It will at least make your mouth happy.

The Zoe cookies look amazing!

Sadie May 30, 2012 at 11:02 am

I feel your pain. This past weekend when it was over 100 outside my hubby just couldn’t understand why I’d rather stay inside in the AC than put on my UG’s McGee maternity suit and hang out in the lake with the cousins…maybe because I feel like a WHALE!

Anyways, in other Whale related comments, pretty much anything on the site looks amazing. The Zoe cookies, or the betty roles….or the yummy sandwhiches they are giving out. Hell, now I need a Donut. Thanks!

heather May 30, 2012 at 11:03 am

i feel you on the maternity suit pain. i tried one-piece suits and ended up looking like mr. peanut hitting the beach. i like the suggestion of rocking out the two piece with a tank top over it. why didn’t i think of that?!

and now to the delicious stuff- i need those chocolate chip sandwiches!! or the zoe cookies. i wonder how they ship in this heat, though

Melissa N. May 30, 2012 at 11:05 am

I was in the same butt-nut-boat when I was knocked up with Braxton – I ended up in the ER because I couldn’t sit down, I laid on my side for two days before I couldn’t stand it anymore and went. They told me to make my own Tucks (which I did, and keep in the fridge to cool those butt-nut-bastards down) and get a donut. I still have that thing in my towel closet for the next baby. I will say I looked like an idiot taking it everywhere, but it helped a million. I figure since my butt-nuts haven’t gone anywhere (Braxton turns 18 months on June 13th), so I’ll be taking them to the next baby, and beyond. I think I’ll name my Buzz Lightyear.

I’m a huge chocolate chip cookie fan, so Bad Kitty can send ‘em my way ;)

Erin May 30, 2012 at 11:11 am

I, too, hate maternity bathing suits but had to do something to take my two year old to his weekly swim lessons. My boobs get to an abnormally and obscenely huge size when I am pregnant (so huge that I can’t find a proper maternity bathing suit or even nursing bra). So what I did was wear regular bottoms (I suppose you could wear running shorts on top if you wish) and then a sports bra or two with one of those tank top camisole things from Brass Plum ($12). Wear the tank and bottoms all the same color and it doesn’t look half bad!

Shana May 30, 2012 at 11:26 am

Only you modg can go from butt nuts *and* a drawing of said butt nuts to ‘quick everyone look at these delicious desserts and tell me which one makes you salivate. ..’

As a general rule – if a baker calls something they make “obscene” it must be tried. Those sandwich cookies are calling my name – free or not.

I also like how Bad Kitty Bakery is saying that some of the cookies are packaged in cellophane bag(s). Maybe it was because of how you just got bathing suits on my mind, (I’m going this weekend for bathing suits – UGH!) but I read it as cellulite…. As in, if I order these cookies, I will have more cellulite. Then I had to battle my inner demons about whether or not I wanted to write you for the sandwich cookies… But – a rule is a rule. *dramatic sigh.* If a baker calls something “obscene” it MUST be tried…

Bonnie May 30, 2012 at 11:32 am

Pound cake sampler pack – because i’m bad at choosing and this one gives you 3 flavors!

Sara May 30, 2012 at 11:37 am

I am in maternity swimsuit hell, located beneath actual hell. 27 weeks, and I am a big pale white ghost. I’m waiting for some stupid five year old to see me and ask their mom “Why is that giant snowman not melting in this 90-degrees-in-May bullshit?”

Also, I would die for the Zoe cookies. And since I will now be spending my entire summer in my house and sitting in my underwear, I’m going to need snacks to grow this jerk of a baby. Or maybe I can place a trail of Zoe cookies outside of my vagina and he will decide to crawl out before his poor mother melts and dies.

KA May 30, 2012 at 11:40 am

I will take 10 orders of the chocolate chip sandwhiches please! :)

Erin May 30, 2012 at 11:44 am

You should go for a retro one piece look for a bathing suit – I bet that would look adorable.

Sorry bout the butt nuts – - That must suck. Hang in there girl!

I totally want those sandwich cookies – that’s what I’d pick from their site. Good thing that’s what the giveaway is for, PERFECT!

Hillary May 30, 2012 at 11:46 am

Love my babies…hate being prego. Feel for you and your nuts. I’d order a box of Key Lime Cookies and relax and watch Full House re-runs if I were you!

Julia Harts the Man May 30, 2012 at 11:59 am

The chocolate chips sandwiches are what I want, so I feel this is VERY serendipitous!

Amanda May 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Sorry about the butt nuts, but you make me laugh so hard.

I need the rolls. Sweets are fine sometimes, but I can never turn down rolls. This is why I stay away from Texas Roadhouse/Logan’s.

Laura May 30, 2012 at 12:39 pm


Alyssa May 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I stopped at Old Navy to look for a bathing suit, grabbed the bottom piece, laughed and said to myself, “This must be an XS.” No. No it was not an XS. It was actually an XL! An “XL” that wouldn’t even fit half of one of my ass cheeks!! So now it’s almost June and I still have no bathing suit.

Since I won’t be fitting in a bathing suit at any point this summer, why not have some Zoe cookies?! Those look delicious!!

Cathleen May 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

So sorry to hear about the butt nuts. It sounds miserable.

Those Zoe cookies look awesome

Diane May 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Just a thought……wear some swim trunks, (they make cute ones for girls) and a tank with a swim top under it. That way your covering the parts equally but not looking like you settled. I think that’s what I would do. Don’t torture yourself. Be comfy!

Those Cinnamon Sugar Blooms look ah mah zing!

Newlyweds on a Budget May 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I want to try those chocolate chip sandwiches. They look AMAZING!!!

Sorry about your butt nuts.

Alyse May 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Bundt cake sampler!! Made my mouth water just reading about them!

I’m 5 months preg and feeling your pain. The thought of even looking at a swimsuit horrifies me.

Julie May 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Zoe cookies? Not even sure what they are, but I WANT!

Candace May 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Brandi May 30, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I would die for the chocolate chip cookie sammies!!!! So much so, I may have to make some imitation fancy bakery sammies tonight with break and bake cookies and canned icing :-)

Side Note: I’m about 9 weeks pregnant with my first and cannot even think of being in a pool without getting motion sickness, so I will not share in the swimsuit horrors. Fortunately, sugar actually calms my stomach ;-)

Larissa May 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Cinnamon sugar blooms?! Yumm or Raspberry Chocolate Rugelacht
…hmm anything with cream cheese.

Chelsea May 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Ugh, I’m sorry things kind of suck right now. Bathing suit shopping is always a bitch but I can’t imagine what it’s like while preg :(

On a happier note, I saw these and thought they were stinkin adorable so I thought I would share!


kristin May 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

hot dog! those cookie sandwiches are making my mouth water. and those zoë look AMAZING. (thanks for the offer)

Theresa May 30, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I didn’t even know you could get the butt nuts this early on, yikes! Are you feeling special that you already have them? :)

Um- shortbread please!! A cookie made with basically sugar and butter, is there anything better? Or maybe the poundcakes. So yummy!! I’m really hoping I win!

AShley May 30, 2012 at 2:31 pm

suggestion…this Old Navy non-maternity suit…i am 20 weeks and have been wearing this suit. when i get bigger i plan to just cut a hole in the lining. the top layer is plenty big enough to cover the belly. just order one size up. super cutes too. kinda retro pin up…if thats possible with a big fat belly.


ps- butt nuts are super sexy. loving mine.

Taylor May 30, 2012 at 2:34 pm

STOP IT with the rosemary shortbread. YUM.

Re: swimwear, I found some not-too-terrible options here: http://www.destinationmaternity.com/maternity/swimwear.asp
And here: http://www.asos.com/Women/Maternity/Cat/pgecategory.aspx?cid=5813

Not sure if that helps at all, but good luck!

Wendi Kilbride May 30, 2012 at 2:56 pm

first of all, I wish for Key Lime cookies and Pound Cake, stat

second, butt nuts do come and go. My oldest is 12 and youngest is 2, they are back but were gone for many years. I’m still hopefully that they decide to go on an extended vacation

third, girl….rock that preggo body. If you cover the bellah with fabric people really can’t tell if you are just chubbo or preggo…let it all hang out. Get a cute two piece from Old Navy and let that belly hang out the front. Your boobs provide good distraction. Then it’s more more likely that people realize that you are indeed glowing with child vs just bloated from beer. :)

Nathalie May 30, 2012 at 3:32 pm

This looks like the best thing ever: http://www.etsy.com/listing/92920913/raspberry-chocolate-rugelach I just might have to get some…

Hang in there! As for the bathing suit, I’d have to go with a tankini – they’re not *so* bad and some of the ones people have linked to in the comments are actually pretty cute :)

Sarah May 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Whoa, etsy! I had NO idea they had baked goods on there…….probably best I didn’t know that fact. The Chocolate Chip Sandwiches look amazing. As in I hope I win them AND buy them. So amazing for my own tankini situation.

Shan May 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm

butt nuts re-emerge this early?! That is so totally UNFAIR (and selfishly it makes me fear for the future when/if I am pregnant again).

Whitney W May 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm

The Zoe cookies look amazing, but I would probably die for the chocolate chip sandwiches!

I’m sorry about your butt nuts, but appreciate you sharing in detail about your pregnancy. All of my friends are all “it’s totally worth it” when I ask for how it’s really going and it pisses me off. I know it’s freaking “worth it” but just tell it like it really is! Honesty and humor are always appreciated!

RIP MAC makeup

B May 30, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I would wear a swim dress for the Zoe cookies!

Heather May 30, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Butt nuts are the worst. Lame.

(I think the betty rolls look awesome!)

Cortnie May 30, 2012 at 4:32 pm

MODG – all I can say is DANG. That does not make for fun times. I’m sorry. I wish we could eat chocolate chip sandwich cookies together!!!


Jesse May 30, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I have a fairly cute gingham maternity one piece that came from Motherhood Maternity. I wore it twice last year and went back to my regular bikini (first baby and I was lucky). Want it? It’s a small.

brittany May 30, 2012 at 4:57 pm

the key lime cookies and that rugelach?! i don’t even know what a rugelach IS, but i’ll take it. my husband’s sweet tooth wouldn’t stand a chance with these!

Vanessa May 30, 2012 at 5:12 pm

chocolate chip sandwhiches!!

Ashley May 30, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Oh my gosh – choc chip sandwiches, please! Swim suits are the worst – hang in there!

Karena May 30, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I’m so glad I can have butt nuts vicariously through you so that I can be definitely sure that I never want them. And your cellulite makes me feel better. I just said that to a pregnant woman. I think I have a death wish.

So since this may be my final meal, I think I want the Zoe cookies, the buttery croutons (you know, so I can eat salad and stuff), and the Betty rolls for good measure. That stuff looks awesome.

Kylene May 30, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The lemon pound cake and the chocolate chip sandwich cookies look AMAZING!

Cydney May 30, 2012 at 5:33 pm

AHAHAHAHAHA-”its not 1996 and I’m not in a TLC video. That right there is funny, I don’t care who you are. Sorry boutcho butt nuts. Sadly, once they’ve opened up shop down there, they’re timeshare owners for life. Come and go as they please. I didn’t come here for the free cookies but if by random luck you pick me, I’ll take that cookie sandwich bitches be screaming abou.

Kathy May 30, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Regular Chocolate Chip……You can’t go wrong with that!

kristin May 30, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Holy CRAP. I’m actually REALLY mad at you for making me look at those cookies. Seriously I need one.

Sorry bout your butt nuts they sound so not fun.

Sarah @ Bend it Like Becker May 30, 2012 at 7:11 pm

WHOA. Definitely those chip-wich looking things. NOM NOM NOM.

PattyB May 30, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Whoa! I would be so on board for any/all of the Bad Kitty treats chocolate chip sammies with cream cheese icing? Yes, please. Pound cake assortment? Why, yes, I did take a moment to choose which three I would order. A browsing website like that might even take your mind off butt nuts for a little while.

Kristin May 30, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Ummmm… Everything!! But really.. The Zoe cookies look amazing!

Laura May 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm

My fetus really enjoys snickerdoodles, so I think I’d have to go with the cinnamon sugar blooms. YUMMMMM.

I tried maternity swimsuits on last weekend and I completely agree with your assessment. WHY WHY WHY do they all look like they are made for 5 year olds or for 80 year old grandmas? Momma wants to look good! I finally found one that I liked, but it was $148 and I can’t justify that price for something I’m only going to wear for a few months.

Jenn May 30, 2012 at 7:45 pm

CHOCOLATE CHIP SANDWICHES! I’m 15 weeks preg and I need these. Need them like MODG needs Tucks!

(sorry about the buttnuts, btw)

Rachel May 30, 2012 at 7:53 pm

I need Chocolate chip sandwich cookies in my mouth now.
Sorry about your butt nuts. How did your make up fare?

Laural Out Loud May 30, 2012 at 8:07 pm

The key lime cookies look AMAZING. But I’d try anything that they make- it looks divine!

As for the swimsuit, my friend wore a tank top and boy shorts for both of her pregnancies, and it looked awesome.

Aisha May 30, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Oh! I would DIE for those Chocolate Chip Sandwiches! They look amazing!

So sorry about the bathing suit issue. When I was pregnant I hated every single bathing suit I could find but the water felt so good that I just said f*ck it and wore my old bikini. Yes, I looked fat. Yes, people stared at me. I didn’t care because I knew I was pregnant and it felt so good to be in the water. Later I bought some of those boy-short bathing suit bottoms and wore those with my bikini top to hide my huge ass a little more.

Good Luck!

Lee May 30, 2012 at 8:55 pm

YUM! I want their chocolate chip sandwiches. Vanilla speckled buttercream? Oh yes …

Regan May 30, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Zoe cookies…yum!

Julia May 31, 2012 at 2:48 am

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and I have butt nuts too, as well as varicose veins and gestational diabetes, but I really, really want the Zoe cookies.
Why don’t you try a crocheted monokini a la Tori Spelling? JUST KIDDING.

Stacey W May 31, 2012 at 7:44 am

Seriously, now bathing suit shopping sucks prego or not especially after 4 babies. I did survive though with no stretch marks just a freakin kangaroo pouch that won’t seem to go away. Now for that pouch, hello choc chip sandwiches what what!

Oh and rock a bikini, why the hell not your cool enough to pull it off butt nuts and all…

Cole May 31, 2012 at 8:12 am

i can’t stop laughing at this post! Oh, you make pregnancy so glamorous! Can’t wait to get PREGO AGAIN! Thanks for reminding me about the Butt nuts! Ahh…that is definitely a way to obstain from any baby making! Dyying to know what bathing suit you get. I know Target has a bunch of cute options…cheap and disposable (since you’re not pregnant FOREVER).
Hope this helps!!

Hillary May 31, 2012 at 8:31 am

Those chocolate chip cookies look better than my mom’s. YUM.

Jennifer S May 31, 2012 at 9:37 am

key lime cookies look great!

sorry about the butt pain…what about j crew for a suit?

andrea p May 31, 2012 at 11:39 am

I would take a butt nut right now to be eating those Zoe Cookies! YUM!

Please update us when you find a solution to the bathing suit dilemma! I am 20 weeks pregs with my 1st, so I could use some help!

Anna May 31, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Chocolate chip sandwiches – amazing!

I loved my Old Navy suit, it’s cheap it was flattering from early pregnancy till the very end and I even used it a few times after baby when I still had the belly http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=65469&vid=1&pid=104918&scid=104918042

Lauren May 31, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I am 18 weeks pregnant with my first and have been having butt issues for 3 week now. So awful. I can’t even imagine birth. I first thought it was a hemorrhoid and I even came to your blog because I remembered reading about your issues last time.
Yes I am the person who searched “hemorrhoid” on your blog two days in a row. I self treated for two weeks and cried every time I was in the bathroom. Finally went to my regular dr because my awesome Obgyn wouldn’t see me for it. She referred me to a vascular surgeon who basically said, oh this giant thing is a skin tag not a butt nut. But guess what? All that pain? Is because I have a fissure which can take months to heal. And I still cry every time I’m in the bathroom because it hurts so damn bad! So basically this thing MAY heal by the time I give birth at which point I’m going to rip again. Lovely. I feel your pain MODG.

Kiki May 31, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I didn’t think they could get better than Pound Cake until they put the words Sampler Pack after it. Yummy.

Now, were we just talking about looking cute in a bathing suit?

Maggie Clifford May 31, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I am currently nursing my second baby and I need that pound cake sampler like yesterday. She is all kinds of drama, and I think eating pound cake will help me forget about how skinny and sassy I used to be before I had two kids and a fupa and spider veins and the most hideous toes ever, because when you have two kids, you never get to have pedicures ever again because that kind of free time is unheard of, and if you do get it, you use it to do effing laundry. kill me. and send pound cake.

LaurenO May 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Butt nuts sound awful. That alone would be enough to put me into a homicidal state of mind. Not to mention the melted makeup and trying on swimsuits. Like at all. Jesus, woman. You should get a voucher where you can punch up to 3 people in the junk, free of repercussions. If I win anything, please let it be a chocolate amaretto pound cake!

Amanda May 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

So sorry about all that, but seriously had me in tears.

I shouldn’t have looked at the chocolate chip sandwiches while at work, craving them now!

Kelley May 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I am just enjoying reading all of the comments that jump back and forth from butt nuts to delicious cookies. Very entertaining.

yael scutaru May 31, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Raspberry Chocolate Rugelach!

Ann May 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

YES! Maternity swimsuits are the most hideous things ever. Even if you find one that fits (temporarily) and is not completely hideous (relatively) they have no boob support whatsoever! Ug. I finally found one at Kohl’s that I would be willing to wear in my mom’s backyard pool – not actually in public, mind you.

As for the BadKitty Bakery, one of each please! ;-) The Lemon Rosemary Shortbread look extra amazing. Thanks!

court May 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm

not sure if you will read all the way down here, but i had a butt nut one time (wasn’t even pregnant, so who knows what will happen when i actually am!). i called my female gyno (b/c i was too embarrassed to call my male GP) and they said they give all their pregnant butt nut sufferers an Rx from a compounding shoppe. it’s basically a mixture of different medicines. i’m telling you–i used preperation h for 3 months and NOTHING. i used this stuff for 2 DAYS and GONE!!! have your doctor call them for what the medicine. then try to find a compounding shoppe to mix up your relief cream. https://rxproblemsolvers.com/

i will preemptively say, “you’re welcome” :)

Lauren June 2, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Yes! This! I just got a compound containing nifedipine. 18 wks pregnant and my Obgyn said it’s fine to take. Seems to be helping a ton!

erynne May 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Sorry to hear about your butt nuts…and they don’t always heal from a vag birth. Yayyy.

I would like to eat my weight in their chocolate chip sandwich cookies. And I weigh a lot. Pleaseandthankyou.

Elizabeth May 31, 2012 at 4:38 pm

um, those chocolate chip sandwiches look amazing! like enough to make me need a preg bathing suit for the food baby I would willingly accept to eat those. yum!

Chelsea May 31, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Butt Nut remedy!!

Soak a cotton ball in witch hazel and press against said butt nut. It will reduce the swelling but more importantly it will give you instant relief. This won’t cure it but it will make the healing process go much faster.

Good luck MODG!

LY May 31, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I die for all of it–but I die MOST for the chocolate chip sandwich cookies.

Maren May 31, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Britty May 31, 2012 at 7:59 pm

GIMME THE ZOE ONES! haha and your PHOTOS! I dieeeeeee

Katie G May 31, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Feel you on the butt nuts. Mine didn’t show til after delivery (vaginal with forceps!), but they were the worst part of my delivery recovery by far. And I had a not insignificant tear. That was the only part/discomfort that lasted for months. And re-surfaces if I stand too long.

I am not as naturally trim as you (my cellulite has been here longer than my boobs), but I had good success with the Assets swimsuits from target in my early-mid pregnancy. I bought a size up for comfort, but their designs are flattering without being overly matronly. By about 7-8 months I had to switch to true maternity tankinis, bc I had a 9lb child who grew solely in my belly. It was like 3rd grade when you put the beach ball under your shirt.

And, per above cellulite, I need no cookies. Just check out the swimsuits. Oh, and start your kegels early. It will help with buttnuts and recovery after delivery (from the MD who was unwilling to take her own advice til it was TOO LATE!).

ginger May 31, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I would so die for those key lime cookies or those chocolate chip cookie sandwiches. YUM. And I hope you’re getting some of those cookie sandwiches, too, so your butt nuts can be instantly gone. Nuts are only good if they’re pistachios … or in my face.

Rachel May 31, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Sorry about the butt nuts, not fun!
As for the bathing suits at least you are pregnant! I am 6 months post partum and tried some on today.. Worst thing ever!!! Between my now 36 DD milk makers and belly pouch that still has the dark line, it was hell!! I say just wear a tank over a two piece.
The cookies look amazing especially the chocolate chip sandwiches…. Probably wouldn’t be so good for the pouch but f it!
Love your blog!

Juliana June 1, 2012 at 1:41 am

I like that you’re like the evening news, in that you impart to your readers all the sad and tragic news of the day, but then end on an uplifting story. Chocolate chip sandwhich cookies?? Flecked with vanilla? Flecked?? All the butt nuts and maternity suits in the world can’t dampen their shining ray of delicious hope. Me wants

kady June 1, 2012 at 8:17 am

RIP MAC makeup.

Carrie June 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

My pregnant friend just bought a large sports bra tank with a regular bottom. She said it is so much better than any of the maternity suits.

And I would die for some of those Zoe cookies. They look amazing.

Cat June 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

You could always just wear a wetsuit. Or give up entirely and wear a huge shirt over your swimsuit/keep your cover up on. Or just build a pool in your backyard so G can be a water baby and you can be pregs privately.

I’d diiiie for their Raspberry chocolate rugelach

Nichole June 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Key Lime Cookies! I’m originally from FL and anything key lime always reminds me of home.

Devon @ Green House, Good Life June 2, 2012 at 12:38 am

Lemon shortbread. Yes, please. Lemon shortbread.

sheena June 2, 2012 at 4:49 am

Someone please help. What are butt nuts? Hemorrhoids? Those poops that shoot out like nuggets? Other?

Amy Mac June 2, 2012 at 9:20 am

Oh MODG, I feel ya, sister. Got a nugget early on when I was preggo, and SEVEN months post-partum he is still hanging around. And that was with a c-section! Apparently he did not get the memo that he can hurry up and go the fuck away now. I am too embarrassed to ask my doc about it so I will just silently commiserate with you and all the other ladies on here with the same problem. Blargh.

I don’t know if you’re still taking cookie requests, but I would eat the shit out of that rugelach. Or the pound cake. Hell, any of it, just to forget my nugget.

And I was preggo during the summer here in Georgia. I didn’t give a shit and rocked the bikini. I figured, it was the only time in my life that I didn’t have to suck it in to look skinny and could proudly let it all hang out, so why not take advantage of it?

caree June 4, 2012 at 11:44 am


But seriously folks, despite living in the deep deep south, I never had a need for a maternity swimsuit (thankgawd). However, being 5 mo post-prego, I don’t think I’ll ever be in a bathing suit (at least a 2 piece) um, ever again. Like ever. What with the baby pouch hanging on (despite weighing less than I did pre-prego) and stretch marks, well it’s just not happening anytime soon. Have I mentioned that I have a coworker that had a baby 4 WEEKS ago and is already posting photos on FB of her boating with hubby & friends, in a 2 PIECE?! WTH. Whooooo look at the pretty sunset…. please turn around so I can stab you with a fork a few times.

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