knocked up, Mommas

The 8 repulsing qualities of the first trimester. Watch in amazement as I repel all humans.

May 6, 2012

Dudes. Pregnancy HATES me. Like throat razor hates me.

3 days ago, I was all, SECOND TRIMESTER, TIME TO FEEL BETTER! So I stopped taking my regimented half a unisom and 2 vitamin B6’s every night (for those unaware this is a totally safe and apparently very effective nausea remedy). I was like, please, it’s probably not even doing anything. I need to be natural girl on no meds. I can handle it. Would you believe the next day I puked in 2 different toilets in my house and the grass. Poor G was so confused. He tried to lick the toilet. I guess that’s what it looks like when you’re face is spewing out venom.

Oh and that tiny sore throat I had every night for about a week? HOW ABOUT FULL ON F-ING BRONCHITIS. HOW ABOUT IT? Well I’m sort of assuming at this point. It’s a raging chest banging cough that seems to be caused by a leaky nose throat pipe. I don’t really ever have seasonal allergies but man, if this is what they are, I’m moving to Alaska with Sarah P and the gang. I’m choking on my own bile people. Swallow that for a minute. No don’t. That’s sick.

It’s one thing after the next. Oh and by the way. I’m carrying a baby. That little thing.

I swear some guy who sits in some cloud who was in charge of things like apes turning to humans and humans getting thumbs was like, I KNOW I’m going to make 1st trimester pregnant women, so repulsive to the human population (but especially the opposite sex) that everyone will run away from them. This will ensure that man doesn’t waste his precious time and baby seeds on a knocked up ho.

Here’s what I’m talking about people:

1) Your skin. Jesusgodinheaven your skin. It’s beyond acne. It’s like the surface of your skin swallowed gravel and it just spread out. It spread from your forehead to your chest to your back. You look like you sleep with pizza oil on your face and wash it off with melted smores. People look at you and gasp in terror.

2) Your sniffer. If you don’t think people smell, get pregnant. You will smell the poop inside their colon that has yet to make a decent. You will smell someone thinking about a fart. You will smell the onion soup they will eat tomorrow. And you will then place many large pillows between you and anyone else in your bed so the pathway of breathe is blocked securely. NO one is getting through that thing. Smells or hands.

3) Your puker.


Man: Hi, I’m a person. Nice to meet you. Wanna grap a taco?

Preg: Taco? (BARFS ON SHOES)

Man: Ok, I’ll see ya later.

4) Boobs. You may think you have big hot boobs. But you know what you have? Saggy, heavy painful bags of milk. Oh you think someone is going to touch them? Try it. Just try it and try not to scream. Exactly. Your one MAYBE sexy preg look causes you excruciating pain. Thanks man in the cloud.

5) TIRED. You are so damn tired all the time. You look like a drugged up stripper with your giant boobs, who had to make it through her all night shift at the club and now you’re hungover and walking around like a used up barf bag. Hot.

6) Oh you’re JUUUST starting to show. How excited and cute? Nope. Not cute. You’re fat. You’re just chubby for like 3 months. Congratulations fatty.

7) Men totally love a woman that cries ALL the time. Right? I mean I’ve met like eleven men who are like, man if I could only meet a girl who is MORE emotional. Especially at Kay Jeweler commercials.

8) Extra farts and burps. That’s all.

I’m going to draw you a picture of all of this at once so you can see how gross we really are.

Yep, that’s us. Hang your head in shame.

But that damn man in the clouds had a reason for all of this. Now if it were me in that stupid cloud I would have just made men’s penises turn neon green if they came within 5 feet of a pregnant woman and left the rest of us alone. But hey, that’s just called efficiency.

B just left to get me the 2 meds in the world that are safe for my unborn fetus. I’ll check in if I make it through the night. B will be sleeping in the guest room. You know, because of the hacking and farting and puking and burping and crying. I agree, it’s rude.



PS Thank you for all of your facebook messages for puke remedies. I’m now accepting choking on post nasal drip cough remedies that rattle out your brain and lungs….remedies.

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  • Susan May 6, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Only you could make someone sitting in their living room watching 60 Minutes LOL about such horrific things. I really hope it gets better for you fast. I would say….”It will be better soon!”…..but if it isn’t, I’m afraid you will come find me and kill me in a very unpleasant way. Peace & Love (sincerely)

  • Leyna May 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Nailed it.

    • Faith May 6, 2012 at 10:52 pm


  • KDawg May 6, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Ohh MODG, poor you. I will never complain about my poor unpreg “sick” body again. Beano and Pepto Bismol coming your way.

  • demi May 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    oh honey. I feel your pain. well when I was preg twice. first one was easy peasy. second one was hell in a handbasket. have you ever heard of those lollipops for pregnant women? They help with the nausea. And hey, it’s sort of candy that you can eat all day long. feel better!!

  • mandie May 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    Gross. The 1st tri is gross, that’s all there is to it. Once, I could SMELL my husband eating Skittles. Downstairs. And I went down there and ripped his effing face off because “MY SKITTLES MINE MINE MINE!”

    Better luck next trimester.

  • Alex P. May 6, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    humidifier and (ask your doc) vick’s on the soles of your feet.

  • Melissa May 6, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    Ugh, I feel you. And it only gets worse for us second timers. While I was lucky enough to not piss myself while sneezing until 3rd Tri last time, with this baby? I have to change my underwear or even pants (WTF?) at least once daily. I should just start wearing a diaper.

  • Amanda Ryan May 6, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Dude, its totally a girl. Pregnancy with my son was all sweet and nice but with my daughter it was hell. I hear an old wives tale is that baby girls take your beauty so if you look like crap it must be a girl…didn’t make me feel any less fug but it was true.

  • Ashley May 6, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    Oh man! You got it. My entire pregnancy. The acne was bad, but the post nasal drip was terrible! I tried so many things… allergy meds, decongestants, neti pot…. the meds seemed to just make the mucus thicker and therefore I gagged and puked (even more) and the neti pot *kind of* helped, but I had an allergic reaction to the saline mix that was included (it had eucalyptus in it), and I honestly felt like I was drowning. In the end, I decided that there was nothing that was going to make it better, and for the rest of the time doing nothing seemed to be the best thing for it.

    Hoping you’re feeling good soon! :o)

  • Lisa C May 6, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    I’ve got nothing for that, I had bronchitis 4 times before 20 weeks with this pregnancy. If you’re up for it, try the Nose Frieda. Works on the baby so well, she smiles when I stick it in her nose. If I get that sick again, I’m definitely trying it on myself!

  • Rebecca May 6, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Thank you for putting to words exactly how I felt my acne looked while pregs. Like being a goddamn teenager again, except without the amazing metabolism.

  • Nicole May 6, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    The good news is that you are for sure having a girl. When I was preggo with my first (a boy) I was a glowing, radiant goddess with a tan (even though I’d been no where the sun). Now I am currently preggo with #2 (a girl) and I looked like a pimply, pale, slightly green troll woman for most of the first and second trimesters. My cousin was the same way with her girl pregnancy. The other good news is that with the girl pregnancy, my butt and face have not gotten enormous like with the boy. Hey, something to look forward to for you. Congrats on #2!

  • Sara May 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    I never knew how bad my husband smelled after sports until I got knocked up. It’s like refried feet.

    • shay June 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm


  • Laura May 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Ok this made me laugh. I’m sorry for all your yucky pregnancy stuff tho. Really I am. Just a little question tho, are you looking forward to breastfeeding again? I know you loved your special time with G so just wondering if your thinking about that special time with baby #2? My hubby thinks that the only reason i want another baby is because DD is nursing less and i want to breastfeed a newborn again!! Thats totally the reason, but we wont tell him that! Also you should totally do a blog about all the things you learned from G that you will/wont do with baby #2. I could write a book!!

  • Sara May 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    I also may have laughed so hard while reading the paragraph about smells aloud to my husband that my son almost burst out of my belly. That would have been one shit of a mess.

  • Meagan {Green Motherhood} May 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Yes and yes. That was totally me. I still remind my husband of how his awful farts made me violently ill every night. Tortured me, he did.
    You’re probably way beyond this, but ginger tea helped my morning (all day) sickness. And, my nasal symptoms were relieved with whole food grade vitamin C (has to be the good stuff or it won’t help). And, if you’re still experiencing the costipation, try CALMS (you can find it on Amazon) plus, it will help you sleep (not that you need help with that right now). That’s about the end of my tricks.
    And, not sure if this will help right now because it makes me want to puke just thinking about it and I’m not with child, but Apple Cider Vinegar has totally cleared up my skin. Not sure if it would do the same for pregnancy related acne, but it has worked wonders. Something about balancing your PH levels.
    Good luck! It will get better (hopefully).

  • Stephanie V May 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    Sending empathy, not just sympathy, straight to you. Henry got croup (super scary! ER!) and gave it to my pregnant ass a couple weeks ago. Makes the vomiting ten times worse :( Feel better soon, Modg.

  • Lauren @ Turquoise & Gold May 6, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    You forgot to mention leaky vagina aka leukorrhea. Named such because it’s like diarrhea… from your crotch.

  • Nikole May 6, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    You sound like me during my pregnancy with C. From week 5-20 I threw up daily, often multiple times, and when I wasn’t throwing up I was fighting the urge not to throw up. The thing that really set me off? The smell of meat, talking about meat, sight of it…. gross. Solution? Poor husband eating tv dinners for weeks.
    I hope you feel better, and one of the remedies for constant throwing up works. Nothing helped me except reaching the 20 week mark :( Just know you’re not alone! Been there, done that, be there again next year!

  • Laura C May 6, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    That baby’s a girl. For sure and sartain. I had all that except for the puking, and I was so damn queasy I begged, cried, pleaded to puke–would hunker over the toilet and try to retch, just hoping I would feel better. All that repulsiveness plus a preg nose whistle. AND, Modg, I had a girl.

  • Tia May 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I completely feel your pain…it was like that with both of my pregnancies. And both are girls, if that makes you feel any better. I’m at the tail end of #2…actually, I might even be in labor as we speak. So…there’s that.

  • Lara @ It's A Girl Thing! May 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    I swear you’re having a girl, MODG! And puking in the grass, I have done that. When I have post nasal drip that makes me cough, I suck on a cough drop while I try to sleep. Good luck!

  • Laura May 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    So you’re 2 weeks ahead of me (this is our first kid) and I was sitting here nodding my head and reading this to my husband and he just nodded and laughed because I’ve experienced the same things during this lovely time frame that they call the first trimester. I’m experiencing a 9th quality (or 8.5 since it could go with #8)….my bowels do. not. work. properly at this point. It’s one extreme to the other—I’m assuming ya’ll know what I mean. This has actually been the worst part of the first trimester for me aside from the acne (I bet those girls who hated me in high school for having perfect skin are just laaaaaaaaaaaaaughing their butts off right now).

  • Katie E. May 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    Oh sweetie, bless your heart. Second pregnancies seem to be so much worse, which is cruel when you are trying to chase down your first pregnancy’s product, I mean toddler. You can take Sudafed for the nasal congestion, and you can snort saline to clear out the crap that is in there, but then you will puke. Sleep under a cool mist vaporizer which will help with your breathing and coughing. And since I am from Louisiana, and we are the allergy capitol of the world (at least that is how it feels) try keeping your air conditioning cut up a little higher than normal if you can stand it, so it won’t cut on as often, because that dries the air and exacerbates the nasal drip, brain rattling cough problems. Good luck.

  • AshleeEeeEeeeeEe May 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    #2. Dead on…wish my bed partner would lock himself downstairs bc the poop in his colon is his nasty farts BFF. Feel better soon. ONE LOVE.

  • cassidy May 6, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    sounds like maybe you are having a girl! my sister went through the same thing with her girl, then she got pregnant with a boy and her face cleared up and it was a very easy pregnancy. i know everyone is different but maybe just a little glimmer of hope for you right now.

  • Meg May 6, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    1. Congrats on your new Little! How exciting :)
    2. I was barfy mcbarferson during my pregnancy.. I ate oyster crackers and cuties for 4 months. Yuck.
    3. For your snot remedies… Use pinterest!! Duh! I Found that a spoonful of honey with cinnamon, helps with colds?!? Weird…yes.. But pinterest told me too

    Hope whatever you find, helps!!

  • E May 6, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    I was a zillion times more sick fat ugly tired with my second pregnancy (girl) then my first (boy). I’m sure many people have been telling you this (and it can hardly be a fail safe correlation). But any possible good spin on the horror, right?

  • Valerie May 6, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    Totally. Relate.

    I’m almost twelve weeks and hoping the last seven weeks of utter misery are nearly done. Mine is starting to dissipate – I haven’t thrown up in a few days – but I still feel sickie especially at night. The worst is the smells. My husband went to Cambodia and came home smelling like a whole head of garlic. I cried. I actually made him sleep in the other bed. There are no words to describe the misery and I can totally relate. You have to find the food combinations that work for you – for me it was apples with walnuts, lemon in my water, toast with peanut butter. Hope you feel better soon!

    • Valerie May 7, 2012 at 12:41 am

      I forgot to mention also the lovely broken blood vessels all around my eyes from puking. Millions of little red spots. Just gorgeous! They take about a week to disappear, which means I pretty much had them for seven weeks.

      Plus the sore throat from the acid from puking. The joy, it never ends.

  • Sarah May 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Im sorry…I love your blog…but I lost my daughter after a premature birth and don’t empathize with your pregnancy complaints. I would give anything for a healthy pregnancy and living baby.

    • H May 7, 2012 at 1:25 pm

      I am feeling similarly about this post. I love me some MODG humor and laughed my ass off through all her antics through her last pregnancy, but I recently suffered a miscarriage and would give anything in the world to be experiencing all these symptoms again. Perspective, I guess.

      MODG, I’m not saying you should stop writing about this stuff, and if the circumstances were different, I’d be laughing my ass off right now. Just remember that all of this sickness is worth it and be thankful that you’re able to sustain a healthy pregnancy, even if you have to sacrifice a bit for it.

    • Shauna May 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

      Sarah (and H) I know it probably means nothing to you but I’m so sorry for both of your losses. I’ve never been pregnant before but reading comments like these makes me remind myself that when (hopefully when, not if) it happens, that whatever those 9 months entail, it’s worth it.

    • kristen May 8, 2012 at 9:12 am

      Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. Truly. Here’s the thing though: with the “you shouldn’t write about X because some people would kill to experience X” thing, where does it end? You shouldn’t write about the pain of your broken arm, because amputees don’t even have arms. You shouldn’t write about that awful stomach flu you had last week, because some people have CANCER. You shouldn’t complain about your mindless, soul-crushing job because some people are unemployed! You see where I’m going with this.

      I agree wholeheartedly that perspective is important. My toddler is severely speech delayed, which has led to behavioral issues and in general makes him very difficult to raise some days. But on his worst days, when I’m feeling too “woe is me,” I do remind myself that some parents have to deal with 2.5-year-olds who are in wheelchairs, or brain tumors, or something else worse than what I live with. Still, I’ve read a few blogs by other moms with speech delayed toddlers and am so grateful to find others talking about my experience. If they were made to feel ashamed for writing those blogs because their problem wasn’t a big enough deal, I would miss out on that camraderie and understanding. Ditto for someone who might be having a crazy rough first trimester and might love to read this MODG post.

      Also (and I’m getting into novel-length territory here, but I see comments like yours on blogs all the time and they make me frustrated), we’re all allowed to complain. Everyone does it. It’s part of the human condition. At least Amanda makes it hilarious and posts it publicly so we all benefit. Again, I am SO SORRY about the loss of your baby. I wish you lots of love and peace and good thoughts. But please don’t try to make Amanda feel badly for being herself and talking about her life.

      • Modg May 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

        Thank you Kristen

      • Sarah May 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

        I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. I don’t mind hearing about pregnancies, and I’m glad that she can be so naive (in a good way) about the possible things that can go wrong. However, I think it’s a bit much to spend paragraphs complaining about a pregnancy. It’s akin to complaining about how rich you are. It’s something she likely worked for and that many others strive for. Sure there’s drawbacks, but that doesn’t mean I’ll sympathize. It just feels like a slap in the face. I would be pregnant for the rest of my life if it meant I could hold my daughter again. I love the blog and the pregnancy stories. I guess I’m just being overly sensitive.

        • Lauren May 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

          Nowhere in this post did I get the impression that MODG is trying to ellicit real sympathy. At most, I would say she is trying to be relatable for people who have also had bad morning sickness in a way that is funny. I was sick as a dog until week 14, and I really appreciate seeing someone else that I find entertaining write about it. MODG hasn’t at all implied that farts, acne, and puking aren’t 100% worth it for a baby.

          I sobbed so many times to my mom and husband about how beyond terrible I felt. So terrible that I was depressed and truly scared about my mental health. So terrible that I was having panick attacks. And that’s what my mom and husband are there for. MODG’s blog has a very distinct tone, and I certainly don’t come here when I need a shoulder to cry on… although I also get the impression, that in real life, she would be incredibly sympathetic to anyone who ever lost a baby or had fertility problems.

      • Sarah May 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

        Also, you’re expressing gratitude for your child, not just complaining. That’s what MODG’s post lacked, and why it rubbed me the wrong way.

        • Modg May 8, 2012 at 12:48 pm

          Dudes. I’m in a bad place. I think especially given the previous post it’s clear i am grateful for my child. I’m really really sick now. More so than I’ve even said. I’m losing weight and it’s concerning. This is my place to vent. I’m sorry you don’t like it but I can’t make everyone happy. I can just be honest

          • Morgan May 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

            Sarah, I cannot imagine the pain you are going through and have gone through with the loss of your daughter. I’m sorry. But, the title of this post was very clear what it was about. Its not like modg forced you or tricked you into reading this. If you are sensitive about this topic, as you damn well should be, you could have turned away. This post was not meant to intentionally offend anyone — and I admit, some of modg’s previous BF posts have offended me because I had serious complications and guilt… but that was me projecting, not modg attacking, so I didn’t comment. imagine what kind of crap we would have to read if modg tried to please everyone. I’ve seen blogs like that. They suck.

            modg. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well and are having futher issues. I hope you and your rockin hippie midwife figure something out soon to get you and baby on the right track. hang in there.

          • Kim May 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

            This is mean….you’re kinda a bitch, no?

        • Kristen May 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

          Maybe this post lacked a specific reference to gratitude for the pregnancy/Yoshi, but if you read the last post you’ll see that they were worried about everything being okay and anxious for the ultrasound that let them know things were looking good (which also indicates that Amanda isn’t naive about things that can go wrong – she strikes me as the type who would find out EVERYTHING that could go wrong and have a bit of a freak-out about it! :)). I felt an overwhelming sense of love and excitement about the new baby from the pregnancy announcement post, and I think if you expect every pregnancy post to have a “but we’re so so grateful just to be expecting this baby at all” disclaimer, that would take away from some of the authenticity of the writing.

          I don’t think you’re being too sensitive – I don’t think there’s such a thing as that for someone who has gone through something as sad and awful as losing a child. But maybe the appropriate response to this post rubbing you the wrong way would be to just shut your browser window rather than post a comment that called Amanda out as an ungrateful person. I read more blogs than I care to admit, and I feel like bloggers have to be SO CAREFUL these days to not say anything that might offend anyone lest they get reamed out in the comments. It’s going to make for a bunch of super PC, super boring blogs if the bloggers don’t finally say F it, I’m not being racist or a total asshole, I’m just going to say what I want.

          Just my opinion, and now I’ve written two huge comments and look like a loserface.

    • Beth May 9, 2012 at 9:46 am

      Sarah, I understand what you are going through. I suffered a miscarriage 22 weeks ago at 11 weeks. My sister-in-law just went through it, as well. My other sister is 27 weeks pregnant. 2012 has been a very hard year. I have experienced the unimaginable pain you have. I get it. My sister-in-law gets it. But we have never let that get in the way of our happiness for our pregnant sister. I think back to when I was pregnant – that initial sickness – but the completeness that I felt within myself. I was on top of the world. I would never, ever want to take that feeling away from my sister (or anybody for that matter).

      My sister sympathized with me and held me when I was crying. She had just found out she was pregnant. She did not know what to say or what to do. I mourned for my loss and for my pain. I screamed and cried and wept. She cried with me and told me she was so sorry. I got the sense she was not only apologizing for my loss, but also apologizing that she was pregnant. She felt bad. I told her she could never feel bad. Pregnancy is a gift. I know my sister is grateful. I know MODG is grateful. But pregnancy is also hard. It is incredibly hard. Would I give anything (sickness, near-death, ANYTHING) to be pregnant still? Absolutely. That does not take away from the fact that they are growing a human, a life, inside of themselves. And neither should you. They deserve to be happy. They deserve to experience the joys (and sicknesses) of being pregnant and being a mother. I know you say you did not come to make anyone feel bad or guilty – but that is what you did. During my 11 weeks if anyone had tried to make me feel bad, I would have sucker punched them.

      I understand your loss. I mourn for your loss. I have felt your loss. But this is not the right venue for it. Stop reading the blog for awhile and go heal yourself. Find a place where you can express your anger, jealousy, resentment, sadness, and grief. Find somewhere that does not turn your stomach into knots and makes you feel unimaginable sadness every time you read it. Somewhere that does not take away from someone’s experience that you so desperately wish you could have.

      I appreciate MODG’s honesty. I know I have a helluva lot to look forward to in my next pregnancy. I come here for the comraderie of people who know pregnancy, people who understand motherhood, and people who I know are all appreciative and grateful for their children. I hope one day, when you return, you can feel those things too.

      • Sarah May 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm

        Sorry to make you feel bad. I will not comment or read in the future. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and not something to feel bad about. And I get it, I lost 15 lbs with my angel baby…I was so sick. But even then I was so thrilled for my baby, but watching her being born, and not taking those first breaths, just makes this stuff so ridiculous. I would do ANYTHING to have my sweet baby back. I don’t want amanda to necessarily censor what she says, just be aware that a healthy baby is a blessing and that endlessly complaining about your ability to sustain a healthy baby can come off a certain way. I hope you have a healthy baby (girl).

  • april h May 6, 2012 at 11:41 pm

    I just scared the crap out of my nursing baby from laughing so hard!

  • Kari78 May 6, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Sorry, we have allergies in Alaska too. In fact, I have a nasty, horrible cough as well. Thankfully not pregnant, just chasing a 1 year old. Neti pot might help some. Anything warm you can stomach to drink (even water with lemon) & warm humidity help some. Musinex is kind of ok with BFing, not sure about preggo though. maybe Arizona would have less allergies?

  • margo May 7, 2012 at 12:20 am

    I fart like a fat man who just ate 5 chalupas, I’m narcaleptic, pimply and plump, and heading into my 17th week! Woooooo

    I am so sorry you are feeling so utterly crappy. As MJ once said…”You are not alone.” <3

  • Melissa May 7, 2012 at 12:32 am

    My husband can sleep soundly until your little one pops out, cause you have just rid me of my baby fever. Expecially if it is a girl. My First pregnancy was cake with my boy so I’ve benn all, pregnancy is so awesome and easy, let’s do this 10 more times, but if this is what a #2 girl pregnancy looks likes then I’m scared shitless. Hope you feel better soon, but keep bringing the ugly since that will for sure keep me on the BC.

  • Vicki May 7, 2012 at 12:50 am

    i am so happy to find a blogger that “enjoys” pregnancy as much as i do! my family has been making me feel so guilty for not embracing and loving every precious moment. gaaaah. now at 22 weeks, things are much improved but those first 4 months, daaaang they’re hard. congrats and see you on the other side!

  • Katie May 7, 2012 at 1:06 am

    Oh man, I feel for you. This was my world for the first 18 weeks of preggoness. I remember when I hit the second trimester, thinking “alrighty, I am DONE with this crap woohoo!” But I wasn’t done for another 5 weeks or so! The only thing that every made me feel better was napping… I hope you feel better soon and can move on to the glory days of belly bands and cute maternity dresses that show off the big boobies!

  • lynet witty May 7, 2012 at 2:55 am

    OMG you’re so dramatic. calm down. i’ve been pregnant twice and never felt THAT bad…

    • kristen May 7, 2012 at 9:14 am

      Um, do you know MODG at all? That’s the whole point. Her dramz are the best part of her. She speaks to the drama llama in all of us.

    • Shauna May 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

      Oh wow., you’ve been pregnant TWICE?! You must be THE pregnancy expert in that case! Why don’t you tell us all your symptoms so we can all know how much we’re allowed/not allowed to complain about!

    • Renee May 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

      Puh-lease…Everyone is different and each pregnancy is different. You have no idea how MODG feels. I’m glad you never felt “THAT” bad. Neither had I, until my current pregnancy and now I am feeling EXACTLY how MODG is describing in this post. It has been torture since the beginning and I am at week 29 and STILL miserable. I love being a mom, but HATE being pregnant this time around. It’s completely ridiculous to assume you know that she is just being “dramatic”.

  • Shannon May 7, 2012 at 7:26 am

    @lynet witty I feel the need to chime in, and you’ve caught me in a mood, which is unfortunate for you.

    1) Go fug yourself, you don’t know how she feels, maybe it IS that bad. I’m so annoyed w/ you I’m literally making the french noise for annoyance: PPPPPFffffffffff!

    2) It’s called hyperbole you “witty” idiot. Take your sense-of-humorless ass over to whydoncha.

  • Katrina May 7, 2012 at 8:21 am

    I did morning sickness to the extreme with W, do not hesitate to get meds if this keeps going. Not getting nutrition is bad for both of you. Trust me (and your doc), starving is bad for you both! Feel better! Btw, my yuck pregnancy was a super smart boy, I think the meds made him a genius!

  • Marjorie May 7, 2012 at 8:54 am

    You poor thing! I’m just a tiny bit ahead of you, and my experience this pregnancy has been very similar, minus all the puking (thank-freaking-God)! I’ve just spent the last 4 months FEELING like I’m going to puke at. any. second. My face looks more disgusting than it ever has in my entire life. My gas can clear a room. This is not at all pleasant. Makes you wonder why any of us do this more than once . . .

  • Laura May 7, 2012 at 9:32 am

    That about sums it up. The bad news is, sometimes it doesn’t go away, no matter the trimester. I puked for my ENTIRE first pregnancy. We were on the way to the hospital and had to pull over so I could puke. I’d been in labor for about 14 hours when I asked if I could brush my teeth. I puked WHILE I was brushing my teeth. It was a stellar moment in my life.

    And hey Lynet, yay for you that it was never that bad. Yippee, right? But for some women, it IS that bad. Ever heard of Hyperemesis Gravidarum? That shit ain’t psychosomatic. Look it up, honey.

  • diddy bop May 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

    This is old but hilarious (and nsfw). Maybe it’ll cheer you up?

  • Lauren May 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Dude MODG- I’m 6 weeks with my first and already terrified enough from What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but you’re taking my fear to a whole new level. Unfortunately, you make me laugh so much, that I will keep reading and when (if, please God IF) these symptons kick in, I’m happy to know that I am not alone, LOL.

    Thanks for the chuckle, my husband is SO looking forward to this!

  • Christina May 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Did you have the terrible pregnancy acne with G? I can’t remember. I had it with my first and am really hoping to not have it with the second.

  • Aliya May 7, 2012 at 10:57 am

    If it’s any consolation… my first pregnancy was a BREEZE (a boy) and I am currently preg with #2 (a girl!) and its been harder… not nearly as bad as you (sorry! haha), but my sense of smell was much more elevated and I was def more nauseous and tired, etc, etc… here’s hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel… and that light is a vagina!

  • Maria Fahlsing May 7, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Nausea remedies that work for me (not pregnant) include: Sea*Band Anti-Nausea Ginger Gum, Nauzene tablets, and the Quease Ease aromatherapy inhaler

  • Elizabeth May 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Dude, second time sucked. I was totally sick with what felt like the worst hangover ever for 16 weeks & I won’t even get into the varicose veins that appeared at the end of my second tri… & by appeared I mean were everywhere including my vajay. The best part of my second pregnancy was the delivery, it was so easy, so uncomplicated, and so quick. It was awesome. However, I swore baby was a girl, I was so sick but I have another son. & one final thing, to anyone that says breast feeding is easier the second time, they are liars. Don’t believe them. I have a 3 week old that refuses my right side, already have a freezer full of pumped from the insane oversupply I have, & just got a prescription for diflucan for the potential booby yeast infection I may have. In reality only one person is familiar with breast feeding so it is a learning process all over again. Good luck…at least you get a cute kid out of the deal.

  • laurenS May 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I feel for you MODG. I have a toddler and a newborn and it wasn’t easy being pregnant but I just read a quote and it’s so true, “Nothing worth having comes easy!” Cheers!

  • Kelsey May 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Amen sister! I’m pregnant with my first and I do not understand when people say that pregnancy is “beautiful” it has been nothing but hell for me! I’m in my 3rd trimester and my face has finally cleared up but now I am on bed rest….. which is a whole new level of hell.

  • Sarah W May 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    I am so glad I found your blog! I’m almost exactly as far along as you are (with my first), and I agree with everything that you just said. I always figured that I would LOVE being pregnant. Um, not so much so far. Just feel fat and miserable and like there could be a small alien taking over my body. Hopefully the pregnancy joy will happen eventually (or maybe I’ll at least like it, a little, maybe, please?)

  • Malisams May 7, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    You know what I learned? I learned that not only is the overall calculation of prego weeks super fucked up (you know, they start at the date of your last period, not the day you actually got knocked up) but the “first trimester” isn’t actually 12 weeks, like you’d think. Oh no. It’s like 14 or 15 weeks. Probably because some math-and-vagina genius decided to start counting the fucking weeks of pregnancy from *before you were even pregnant*.

    So yeah, my point is, I’m all knocked up too (15 weeks, bitches!), and didn’t actually start to feel like a real human again until about 14 weeks. Which is when my prego app congratulated me on entering the second trimester.

    Give it another coupla weeks and hopefully you’ll feel better. Also, the allergies? Death face. I got no advice for you there. None. Just suffering. I’m sorry.

    • Morgan May 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

      Probably because some math-and-vagina genius decided to start counting the fucking weeks of pregnancy from *before you were even pregnant*.

      can we put that on a tshirt? hahaha

  • NSC May 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Modg….I feel your pain. My lil girl sucked the life right out of me, and when she was born, had more personality than two people.

    Take your vitamins at night (if you take them) and take them during or after you eat.

    Preggo pops. Ginger candy goodness.

    More vomiting = strong hormones = baby is stuck in there good, to borrow mother in laws expression.

    Sarah, my soul hurts for you. I am so sorry.

  • Jen @ Ginger Guide May 7, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    I’m having flashbacks to my pregnancy and my left eye is starting to twitch. I puked and slept for the first five months, had three weeks of feeling great then sciatica set in and I got wear a sexy ass belt until I brought my 9lb son into the world. As much as I want baby 2, I’m dreading the knocked up part. Take your meds, sleep as much as you want and stuff your face bc damn if you feel fat, you might as well eat.

  • Jessica May 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

    MODG, you are a genius. And I totally mean that. Your video of your gorgeous hunk of man laughing and bouncing the soon-to-be big brother made me want to rip the clothes off my man hunk and demand impregnation. Which is INSANE because my youngest is six and we are pretty much finished unless man-in-the-clouds has a plan in mind I don’t know about. In fact, that “I’m knocked up” post was so sweet I kinda glossed over the “I feel like shnit” part. But now i want a chastity belt. (I don’t know how this comment ended up being all about ME – I sincerely hope you feel better soon and if I lived anywhere near you I’d bring you chicken soup and take G to the park. xo)

  • Allison May 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    This sounds like my pregnancy with my daughter. I threw up some days 10 plus times, had broken blood vessels in my eyes from retching so hard and couldn’t even keep water down. I finally stopped throwing up at about 5 months but was nausea’s until she was born. The things that helped me the most were Diclectin (max dose), not eating and drinking at the same time, I would have a handful of dry cereal and if I kept that down then I could have a few sips of water 30 minutes later, ear acupuncture, and constantly snacking I couldn’t eat meals just lots of small snack.

    My daughter was born a few weeks after G and we are now thinking about trying for a 2nd but I am so afraid of the sickness while trying to take care of a toddler. I understand what you are going through, and hope that you feel better soon.

  • Leslie May 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    MODG, I’d love to show you the best prenatal vitamins on the planet and help you!

    My two preggo friends both are taking them during their second pregnancies, and are doing much better on them. No puking. Also, they are the only natural pregnancy vitamins omega 3’s on the market with the correct ratio of DHA:EPA.

    Hope you feel better!


  • an May 8, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    dont listen to the haters, sometimes pregnancy is really hard, like i dont know if I ever want to do this again hard. I was sick until about 8and a half months, including a couple of hospitalizations in the first two trimesters for dehydration. not to mention to uglies, and the aches, and the insomnia and all the other crap (or not depending on which meds I was on). but just remind yourself that it will end eventually, if you can survive that long. and fantasize about killing all the people out there who proclaim how easy/beautiful/wonderful preg was for them. and the baby at the end is pretty good too

  • Bek Wright May 8, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Ugh, I feel some of your pain.. Constantly tired (Jack constantly buzzing), constant nausea but not vomit comets thank Britney (Jack constantly wanting food that makes me dry wretch), constant agonizing boobs (Jack seems to think “hey when I press mum here she makes funny faces and noises”!) and whacked out emotions! I cry at the drop of a hat, and I’m not a crier! The worst is when I tear up and Jack LAUGHS AT ME!! Well that just sets me off even more (“why is my 3 year old evil doesn’t he know how I feel waaaahhhh why is he climbing on me??!!?!!”)

    I’ve still got a month of this bullshit!

    • Bek Wright May 9, 2012 at 3:44 am

      Ok, my sister who is preg as well and has been crazy sick like this (hospitalized about 5 times) and diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum found out today she is having a BOY!! So I’m hoping that I still may have a girl :) I really read into old wives takes a bit too much lol, it’s taken all my strength not to do the ring test!

      Hope you feel better soon modg, I see how much my sister is suffering and I feel grateful I only have to deal with what I posted up there ^ and not voms as well!

  • heather May 8, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    I had a similar experience with my first two pregnancies: first one a breeze, second one was hell. My second child was big enough that after I pushed out her 9lb 9oz baby body, I had lost a total of 15 pounds from when I got pregnant. (Don’t worry – I totally put it back on as soon as I could manage…) I was incredibly nauseous the whole second pregnancy. My doctor recommended eating some saltine or oyster crackers before getting out of bed in the morning. While I can’t say it was a miracle cure, it did often take the edge off. Best wishes, hope you get through this nasty part soon!!
    (Long time reader, first time poster, by the way. Thanks so much for this blog and your hilariousness!!)

  • MJ May 8, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    My friend recommended your blog. I laughed so hard at the picture that I almost let go of one of my miserable pregnancy poop stones.

    Please be aware that if your nausea and vomiting do not abate or go away, you are at risk for dehydration and malnutrition. Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a serious pregnancy illness that is poorly understood but can be controlled with early and aggressive action. Medication to control this illness is a necessary evil because dehydration and malnutrition can be life threatening and lead to preterm labor. I have HG and have been on Zofran since week six, and unisom/b6 since week 19. I’ve had weeks of IV infusion therapy and two trips to the ER. In the beginning, I dropped 15 pounds in two weeks. My doctors never took me seriously and I didn’t know any better. Knowledge is power!

    For more information, please visit the Hyperemesis Education & Research Foundation (HER) at

    HG Awareness Day is May 12th.

    • Morgan May 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

      boom! best informational post ever.

  • Eileen May 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

    I think one of the most frustrating thing about being pregnant (first time, currently @26 weeks), is that nothing is consistant. It’s not consistant from what you’re used to, it’s not consistant with other people, and it’s not consistant with what happened last week. Which I suppose could be a good thing one week from now. I was sick throughout the day ’til about half way through my 2nd trimester (like week 18). And it was never consistant, some days one thing would help, and then it wouldn’t, and it would always switch. I’d have to change my eating patterns constantly. At first I was fine until midmorning, then I had to wait until 9a to eat anything because either way, it wasn’t going to stay down, etc. The crackers in bed before getting up didn’t work for me, but some women swear by it. Lemon water kept me sane. It wasn’t “That’s great! I feel amazing!” but it kept the hurls at bay. But you’ll just have to do the whole body listening thing and find what works for you. My skin hasn’t been that great. No pizza face, but it’s definately worse that it used to be. Oh yeah, I’m having a boy, but seriously, even from people who have had multiple children, it’s more than likely every kid’s going to be at least slightly different. Even if they’re the same gender.
    Good luck MODG.

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  • Lisa May 11, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Holy shit, thank you for curing the completely unexpected baby fever your video announcement stirred up in me. Whew. You crack me up. Sorry you’re feeling so terrible, I hope things improve soon.

  • Kelly @ turned up to eleven {formerly dare to be domestic} May 11, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    best. birth control. EVERRR! Thank you and I love you and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Keep keeping it real… at least until next year when I plan to create a fetus then you can tell me it’s all unicorn dreams and pony rides with glee and hot rainbows, deal?

  • Cat May 12, 2012 at 2:56 am

    Mucinex has always worked for me. They have a pill that also helps with coughing that I take when I feel like I’m about to cough up a lung. It’s no homeopathic remedy but it may help you if it won’t affect your pregnancy.

    If you do have allergies, go get an allergy shot. My doctor said a lot of things quickly that I didn’t understand, but I caught something like “the stuff in the shot is what your body produces naturally so there aren’t any adverse effects” so that sounds relatively natural for me. I swear by allergy shots – I’m deathly allergic to cats and after the shot I rolled around on a cat hair infested rug next to the cat and didn’t even sneeze.

  • Kelly May 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    Hilarious post. Especially with all of those damn Hallmark “Tell me I’m doing this right”, “tell me I taught you something” commercials on constant rotation, and the unGodly waterworks they command. Oh, and the acne. Dear God, the acne. When I was 14, I thought, “At least I don’t look like that fat, crying, tired woman at the mall.” Oh, Karma. You are a bitch.

  • Rachel May 28, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    Dude. I’m pregnant for the first time. While everyone around me is raving about the rainbows and butterflies of pregnancy, I’ve been nauseous, chubby and battling full-on body acne & rosacea. Suuuuuper. We find out the gender this Thursday. I’m convinced it’s a girl because it’s drowning all of the life from my body and soul.

  • Thank you!! « Kate Collins Interiors August 10, 2012 at 7:34 am

    […] people asked how I’ve been feeling.  Nobody sums it up as well as this post: MODG  Lets just say that baby loves to make mama rock a throw up session.  But, morning sickness seems […]

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    I posted this on your FB page but wanted to share here since you mention the preg acne. Saved me!

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  • Courtney February 2, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    You are SPOT ON! The diagram?? Perfect. I like the green fart gas, because I feel they are so putrid now that I can basically see them. I am nearing the end of my first trimester and I am worse than Shrek. Thank god that my partner is a Filipino god who thinks I am beautiful (? I don’t know either) and who has a brutally honest mother who has already prepped him for the mess I am now.. Man I have never felt like such a muffin topped bogan in all my life. Waking up feeling like you’ve got pizza oil on your face! I feel you. Not being able to wear any of my jeans/trousers/dresses and then after throwing a trantrum about it, sitting on the bed and crying about it. I put on a dress and my boobs have gotten so big it became a singlet. Having people ask if it’s actually twins (no THERE’S ONLY ONE). Having his mother say “Oh Courtney you are SO BIG NOW!!” and patting her cheeks and laughing while I eat pizza to egg on my pimples and sooth the munchies. High ten to you! And best wishes!