Dudes. Pregnancy HATES me. Like throat razor hates me.
3 days ago, I was all, SECOND TRIMESTER, TIME TO FEEL BETTER! So I stopped taking my regimented half a unisom and 2 vitamin B6’s every night (for those unaware this is a totally safe and apparently very effective nausea remedy). I was like, please, it’s probably not even doing anything. I need to be natural girl on no meds. I can handle it. Would you believe the next day I puked in 2 different toilets in my house and the grass. Poor G was so confused. He tried to lick the toilet. I guess that’s what it looks like when you’re face is spewing out venom.
Oh and that tiny sore throat I had every night for about a week? HOW ABOUT FULL ON F-ING BRONCHITIS. HOW ABOUT IT? Well I’m sort of assuming at this point. It’s a raging chest banging cough that seems to be caused by a leaky nose throat pipe. I don’t really ever have seasonal allergies but man, if this is what they are, I’m moving to Alaska with Sarah P and the gang. I’m choking on my own bile people. Swallow that for a minute. No don’t. That’s sick.
It’s one thing after the next. Oh and by the way. I’m carrying a baby. That little thing.
I swear some guy who sits in some cloud who was in charge of things like apes turning to humans and humans getting thumbs was like, I KNOW I’m going to make 1st trimester pregnant women, so repulsive to the human population (but especially the opposite sex) that everyone will run away from them. This will ensure that man doesn’t waste his precious time and baby seeds on a knocked up ho.
Here’s what I’m talking about people:
1) Your skin. Jesusgodinheaven your skin. It’s beyond acne. It’s like the surface of your skin swallowed gravel and it just spread out. It spread from your forehead to your chest to your back. You look like you sleep with pizza oil on your face and wash it off with melted smores. People look at you and gasp in terror.
2) Your sniffer. If you don’t think people smell, get pregnant. You will smell the poop inside their colon that has yet to make a decent. You will smell someone thinking about a fart. You will smell the onion soup they will eat tomorrow. And you will then place many large pillows between you and anyone else in your bed so the pathway of breathe is blocked securely. NO one is getting through that thing. Smells or hands.
3) Your puker.
Man: Hi, I’m a person. Nice to meet you. Wanna grap a taco?
Preg: Taco? (BARFS ON SHOES)
Man: Ok, I’ll see ya later.
4) Boobs. You may think you have big hot boobs. But you know what you have? Saggy, heavy painful bags of milk. Oh you think someone is going to touch them? Try it. Just try it and try not to scream. Exactly. Your one MAYBE sexy preg look causes you excruciating pain. Thanks man in the cloud.
5) TIRED. You are so damn tired all the time. You look like a drugged up stripper with your giant boobs, who had to make it through her all night shift at the club and now you’re hungover and walking around like a used up barf bag. Hot.
6) Oh you’re JUUUST starting to show. How excited and cute? Nope. Not cute. You’re fat. You’re just chubby for like 3 months. Congratulations fatty.
7) Men totally love a woman that cries ALL the time. Right? I mean I’ve met like eleven men who are like, man if I could only meet a girl who is MORE emotional. Especially at Kay Jeweler commercials.
8) Extra farts and burps. That’s all.
I’m going to draw you a picture of all of this at once so you can see how gross we really are.
Yep, that’s us. Hang your head in shame.
But that damn man in the clouds had a reason for all of this. Now if it were me in that stupid cloud I would have just made men’s penises turn neon green if they came within 5 feet of a pregnant woman and left the rest of us alone. But hey, that’s just called efficiency.
B just left to get me the 2 meds in the world that are safe for my unborn fetus. I’ll check in if I make it through the night. B will be sleeping in the guest room. You know, because of the hacking and farting and puking and burping and crying. I agree, it’s rude.
PS Thank you for all of your facebook messages for puke remedies. I’m now accepting choking on post nasal drip cough remedies that rattle out your brain and lungs….remedies.