I’ve learned a lot this year. Mostly stuff from Pinterest. But all of the other important stuff, I’ve learned from a hippie. And here’s what I’ve learned about learning stuff from a hippie: they have no alternate agenda other than doing things naturally and healthy. Now some things I’ve said thanks hippies, but no thanks (like drinking raw egg yolk from fancy chickens. Note: It HAS to be *fancy* chickens I’m told). My stomach is a delicate little flower and that’s just not happening. But other tips and pointers have really changed our lives.
So as a J.Crew, MAC wearing, Clarisonic, yespleasetoeverythingonShopBop, sort of hippie in training, I’d like to share with you the top 9 things I’ve learned from a hippie this year. It was going to be 10 but I guess I didn’t learn that much.
FOOD: Food rules all. To the hippies, food can kill you and food can cure you. Food can also be your friend and take you shopping and put on makeup with you. Food can watch Say Yes to the Dress with you and not make rude comments about your wedding being 5 years ago. Sorry, off track. I’ve learned that it all starts and ends with your diet. And not just the type of diet you’re on, but how much “whole foods” you are really getting. So stuff that doesn’t come in a box or bag but just came straight from the earth. Like, did you even know that your diet when pregnant can determine how straight your child’s teeth eventually become? I KNOW!
Eat ginger when you’re nauseous
Eat raw garlic when you have a cold (I usually make a pesto)
Eat oats to increase your milk supply
Eat yogurt for yeasty beasties
FAT: Fat is so good for you. Coconut oil is basically the Jesus in a Jar of the hippie world. It will cure your UTI and maybe even AIDS!? Ok probably not AIDS. But it says so here. If you don’t own a jar of this stuff, you need to go buy it this instant. Cook with it, bathe in it, put it in your hair, rub it on your floor and roll around in it. Put it in a dress and take it for a walk. Other fats that are good for you? Bacon fat, lard, straight up butter. Yes. I know. I swear. The solid fats are less likely to turn rancid when cooking at a high temperature. Even olive oil is a no no when cooked super hot. I almost fell over dead when I heard that one. But as a hippie Italian, I’m adjusting.
MAGIC: Ok it’s not magic, but that’s what I sometimes call homeopathics. Trust me when I tell you I was ready to throw in the hippie towel with the naturopath was pressing on my arm to see what G was allergic to. But when he told me to, I cut out the wheat, soy and dairy, G was like a new child. His eczema was gone, his rocket farts were gone and things got a lot happier. Since then, G goes to a homeopathic doctor instead of a pediatrician. This was the best move I could make. He will still call for an x-ray when he thinks G has pneumonia, but won’t prescribe antibiotics unless it’s truly very necessary. Tips: Use chamomile to calm down a crazy ass kid. Use Thuja before vaccines to make them tolerate it a little easier (google it).
PLAY: I’ve learned from my playgroup of hippies that young kids don’t know shit. Ok they know some stuff. But things they don’t know? Sharing. And you know what? They aren’t supposed to. And it’s absurd for us to go running around telling them SHARE YOUR TOYS. They have no concept of that word and just think that they will never ever see their ball again and that Sally Pigtails just STOLE your shit. What we do instead is let them work it out. And you know what? They usually do.
TRUST YOUR BODY: I read once in a hippie book that when you’re in doubt about your body (like in times of birth), be a monkey. Think with your primal instincts. Your body can do shit that your brain has no idea about. For example, you know how you can’t poop if a hot guy is standing in the bathroom with you? Oh you never tried that? Me neither (…) Doors in public bathrooms have locks and stalls for privacy because our muscles need to feel comfortable and safe to open up. Also no one wants to see your pee hole. The same way your baby shooter does to have a baby. It won’t open up and dilate easily if you are under a billion bright lights, with people reaching up there and machines clanging away. But go in a quiet, dim, private area and feel safe and comfortable and BAM all systems are a go. Just like your pooper. Like a monkey pooper.
YES: I read this blog Play at Home Mom. And she posts pictures of the things she says yes to when her kids ask. Things like a 15 month old climbing a rock wall over a stream or a 2 year old playing in a mud puddle in January. Or spraying shaving cream all over the garage so her kids can roll around in it like pigs. At first I was like, OH NO I’M NOT. But her philosophy is that your kids learn better by doing themselves than being told. Like that kid will learn that it’s damn cold in water in January. But also, kids are kids for only so long and the more times you can say yes to them the better. You’ll forget about the mess.
CLOTH: I’ve said it before. CLOTH DIAPERING IS EASY, CLEAN, AND FOR DUMMIES. EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT.
CHEMICALS: Dude, they are everywhere. And doubledude, they are bad for you. OK I know that’s vague. Like air freshner is maybe the worst invention ever. Make your own cleaners. I just made a few of these and they work better than the 9 dollar bottle of “natural” cleaner I was buying at whole foods.
ORGANICS: Follow the dirty dozen. I’ve heard many hippies laugh at us who buy organic onions. I know, we’re so DUMB.
SWEET and BRIGHT: Do not, no matter what ever never use artificial sweetners and try your best to avoid artificial dyes. That goes for Splenda, Equal and any other alien chemical that tastes sweet. And I don’t just mean don’t sprinkle it. Diet Coke and the like is bad too. If you need it just use regular sugar. It comes from the earth. Don’t eat it by the spoonful like an idiot. Splenda chemically has more in common with a pesticide than sugar. And trust, if someone told me this when I was depending on coffee to live my life, I would have slapped their face with my ass. So you can do that to me if you want. There is evidence that food dyes lead to behavioral disorders, especially in kids. You can research this one if you’re interested. I know you’ll be all pissy about this one..
So to wrap up my hippie education, I think I’ve learned that ultimately, just try and keep things as caveman as possible. Not sure about that twinkie? Cavemen didn’t have them. Don’t think your vagina can fit a baby head? Cavewomen’s did (and so does like every other woman, so chill). Not sure if you should buy that turquoise J.Crew Bubble Necklace? A caveman totally would have.
See? works every time.
Please share your own hippie tricks in the comments. I can always use more. And don’t shoot the messenger. I didn’t invent it. I just learned it from a hippie.
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