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The Bachelor and a Bacon Unicorn and other amazing B things. But not B himself. Because he’s busy watching cartoons.

February 28, 2012

Thank god you’re still here.

I thought you got all Lost on me and vanished into an alternate reality complete with smoke monster.

2 days ago, I go to write you a super extra good post. You know about The Bachelor and a tooth of mine and soft baby craps. That kind of post. And BAM you all had disp’rd. I had just a blank screen. And you best believe I panicked. I asked G if he had anything to do with this and he ate one of his toes in response. That means, “I don’t give a shit about your dumb website mom”. Turns out the internet was just in the mood to F me.

No one on the internet wanted to help me and finally my unicorn prince helped me again. Just because. Ladies, I’m here to tell you that you can find your unicorn prince too. You just need to buy a shit ton of unicorn food. You can’t expect him to just show up if you’re all lazy like.

Regardless, I’m here. And you’re here. And we can move on with our official MODG business.

As I’m writing this, I have iTunes open in the background and all I can see is that it’s recommending “A Mother’s Gift” by Carnie Wilson. No iTunes you asshole. No. Bad call.

So this is going to be one of those posts where I keep talking about what this post is going to be, like right in the  middle of the post because I don’t have much to say.

So here are my points:

1) Soft Craps: G has exploded his diaper every day at least once for 2 weeks now. SHIT IS EVERYWHERE. I’ve fed this child every sponge of a food I can think of to absorb the softies up. No go. We go through a pair of pants, a changing pad cover and usually socks every day thanks to the softies. Then B comes home to a softies diaper in the sink because I literally can’t be around softies anymore and I just lock it away. THANK YOU ANTIBIOTICS.

2) MY MONDAYS: We call this Amanda’s Special Time in my house. I invite you to the wonderment of awe that is my Monday night. Bachelor, red wine, dark chocolate, latest magazine or Jcrew ‘logue, iPad for looking up ‘logue items and such and a locked door. Should you dare interrupt my special time, dark dark forces will rise against you and tell you how annoying you are for bothering me and that you should probably go downstairs and keep watching that cartoon with the talking baby that you watch, even though you are an adult and probably shouldn’t be watching cartoons, let alone ones featuring babies. JS.

3) The Project: I feel like I should update you on my fat assness. Remember that 40 second trip to hell that was G taking 1 nap? Well my workout was clearly not happening then. But G went back to 2 naps. But guess who didn’t go back to working out? Joe Jonas! No, just me. I was just thinking of him because he was on Smash AND Andy Cohen.

4) I love tv so much.

5) I love Pinterest so much.

6) I have a good Stuff I Like post coming up. It includes MY #1 FAVORITE STUFF I LIKE EVER IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE OF THINGS AND STUFF.

7) The other day I googled the lyrics to the Education Connect song just because. Don’t tell B that though, he’ll make me get a job if he knows that I have that kind of free time. But I thought we could end with that.

I’m working for an hourly wage. I went to high school, didn’t do great. Still I gotta make more cash, more education is what I’m looking at. When I get a degree, I will make a bigger salary.

So now I got to see, which college is right for me. I went on the Internet and found Education Con-nec-tion. I took some free tests to find out my direction. I’m takin’ my classes online, gettin’ my degree on my on time. Education Connection matched me with the right college for free.


I totally judge her. What a loser. Then I feel guilty about it. Like maybe she had a really tough life.

Then I smack myself and google the lyrics.



I’m so glad you’re not lost. But after this post you may wish I was. I will accept comments including soft crap remedies, worship type comments about my Mondays, and anything telling B that cartoons are dumb.

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  • Lillie February 28, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Is it bad that I already knew the lyrics to that commercial? I should probably be doing something with my life. Other than college and sororstitution, of course.

  • Jess February 28, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    You’re so funny!

  • kelly @Dare to be Domestic February 28, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Lillie took my comment… I was going to ask the same thing… what’s even sadder is I can read them w/ her voice and the song in my head. I will now be singing it all damn day… DAMN YOU AMANDA! :)

    Soft poos – something I don’t look forward to dealing with as a mom.

    Lastly… I’m an adult, I think. But I still watch the baby cartoon with the fat guy.. am I a bad person? I’ll totally blame it on my husband if I have to 😉

  • Sarah February 28, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    The new Pizza Hut commercial reminds me of the Education Connection commercial in a bad, bad way.

  • Laura February 28, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I love my Mondays. Ok, honestly it doesn’t matter what day it is. I can always count on Teen Mom, Real Housewives of Somewhere or babies being forced to wear teeth. TV is good.

    • Laura February 28, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      “I love my Mondays. Ok, honestly it doesn’t matter what day it is. I can always count on Teen Mom, Real Housewives of Somewhere or babies being forced to wear teeth. TV is good.”

      I said that in my head and then read it and it’s a Laura that posted it. Freaky but made me laugh hard.

      loves it.

      ewww soft poop…im afraid to have babies

  • julie s. February 28, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    If you haven’t seen them, you need to google MedTech commercials because (a) they have a dumb theme song that won’t leave your head for weeks (extraordinary medtech!!) and (b) the women on the commercials sound like complete dumb-asses, and I’m pretty sure going there makes you dumber, in fact I think I’m dumber just for having seen the commercials about 8 gajillion times a day for the last 6 months.

    • julie s. February 28, 2012 at 4:56 pm

      PS – I must have a bacon unicorn.

  • Michelle February 28, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    For the soft craps…probiotics! Culturelle, babydophilus, bio gaia (sp) are a few brands I’ve heard of. We mixed Culturelle with chocolate milk for my 2.5 yo last week to get him over extended effects of the stomach flu more quickly and it really worked!

  • Gini February 28, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    CARTOONS ARE AWESOME. American Dad’s been funnier than Family Guy the last couple seasons, though.

  • Serial February 28, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    I’m sick of the softies already, and I haven’t even had to smell them.

  • Jamie @ See You There! February 28, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Hahahahah omg that Education Connection commercial… I don’t feel bad for the character who sucked at high school, I feel bad for that “actress”/”singer” who now has to live with THAT monstrosity on her resume. WOW.

  • Tia February 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Are the soft poopies a result of teething? If so…you’ll have to ride them out. If not…more bananas? They help my munchkin. Either way, good luck!

  • kate February 28, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    There are two commercials I grab the remote and change the channel as fast as I can. Sarah McLachlan with puppies and this bitch. Thanks for getting this dumb song stuck in my head.

    Also, we’ve hit the soft poos, but so far the diapes have contained them, thank god.

  • A.Brew February 28, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    A) Not only do I watch Family Guy on the reg (mostly because the baby daddy forces me), but, since I’ve seen just about every episode, it is often referenced in our daily dialogue. It’s pretty sad.
    2) When I read el numero 7, I immediately laughed out loud and picked up the phone to dial the baby daddy to tell him about el numero 7 because he ALWAYS sings that song – whether the commercial’s on or not.
    C) Probiotics (Culturelle) are the shiz for the shits.

  • megan u. February 28, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    “i will maaaake a bigger salary” always gets stuck in my head for days :)

  • Lin February 28, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Buy some yogurt with live cultures and feed lots and lots to G! We always buy an insane amount of yogurt when one of our boys has to be on the dreaded antibiotics and then feed it to them constantly! Happy to report that the last round of antibiotics for the two year old resulted in NO yucky poops…or as the 3 year old calls them “the crazy poops!” Good luck!

  • lacollins February 28, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Augh soft craps are the worst. The WORST. You get used to them just sploop dropping in the toilet oh la and then whammo the kid is shitting, um, toothpaste again only now is old enough to be mad about it and thrash around and get it everywhere and it’s the worst. We have teething craps right now. No suggestions for you. Just commiseration, and jealousy of your Mondays.

  • adiz February 28, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    My hubs lurves family guy too and it makes me so maaaaad.

  • Robyn February 28, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    I havent heard that song, as I havent had cable for like a year. I just instant stream stuff now. Yay for no commercials, but sad when I want to watch something that isnt out on DVD yet & not available somewhere online. I do remember the free credit report dot com songs though. I was actually entertained by those, which might say a lot about me. Whatever. Antibiotic poops suck. Probiotics are good. Don’t give him too much dairy. And Family Guy sucks balls. I do not find that show funny. At all.

  • Amy V February 28, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    MODG –

    Love you – check your blog daily for new things to read.

    Tapioca, my friend. Tapioca is the magical remedy for too-soft baby poops. Tapioca and yogurt. But mostly tapioca. If your little one can get past the texture – because let’s face it, tapioca DOES sort of resemble fish eggs – at least that’s what I think, it will firm up any poopy issues he may be having.

  • Susan February 28, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Probiotics for sure for the soft poo’s. I always get Florastor. Not the kid kind that has flavoring, but the adult capsule (dose is same), break open, pour in a lump onto applesauce, and cover just that area with sprinkles. My kids dive straight into the sprinkle area, so they end up eating the whole dose.

    And pinterest rules. I have to limit it to carpool line or I get nothing done.

    • Susan February 28, 2012 at 6:23 pm

      I will add that whenever I do this, I remind myself of the munchausen mom in the movie The Sixth Sense.

  • krista February 28, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    i googled why is shannon doherty on education connection commercials.
    no one had a real answer for me.

  • Jessica February 28, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    — There is no other “for F sake” situation that’s worse than a softies shitty blowout. Yeah.

    — Oh, and BTW –> Stewie is a bastard. I hate that fucking show.

  • Colleen February 28, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Definitely get that boy on some probiotics for the soft poops…you can go to the healthfood store and get a probio in a powder form to stir into his food, milk etc…

    My question is do you think Shannen Doherty is really getting her degree online? On her own time? Have you seen that commercial???

  • Colleen February 28, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Perez Hilton – the most trusted news source in the USA – said she owes $93k to some bank. So she can get a degree on her own time, to make a bigger salary.

  • Meg February 28, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    I am seconding (or thirding – not sure at this point) the probiotics for the soft poos. We also use Florastor. Just break it open and add it to a sippy cup of milk or to applesauce. We usually give it twice a day if the poos are really bad. It’s helped my daughter on many occasions!

    Thanks for the great blog! I love it!

  • asphaltqueen February 28, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Probiotics work, but make sure you get good ones. Our doc gave us free samples – you want the ones that are refrigerated and meant for kids.

    The BRAT diet. Say it with me – bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. That and water (and breastmilk or formula if they can tolerate it). That will put the runs at bay quickly.

  • StacyW February 28, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Yes! I think you just had a total internets seizure and I LOVED it! Thank you for making me laugh after a hellish day! We just moved states with my 1 year old and he is ruining lives with his angst. Needed this! Thank you MODG!

  • Sara February 28, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    My husband has never changed a diaper in his life, and didn’t believe me when I told him babies get the soft poops up their backs. He thinks I’m trying to scare him. He has no idea the smelly, mushy, how-the-hell-did-it-get-all-the-way-over-there joy awaiting him in fatherhood.

  • Erin February 28, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Those commercials make me want to stab myself in the eye.

  • Elizabeth @ Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness February 28, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Think of the original (like, 1970’s-ish, not any remakes, if there are any) movie “Carrie” and the tampon locker-room shower scene…. “plug it up, plug it up, plug it up”. Although, don’t throw tampons at your baby, stuff him with cheese. And toast. And bananas. And rice. And more cheese. And then more cheese. I personally would forgo the applesauce (the “a” part of the b.r.a.t. diet) because apples seem to make my kids crap like it’s going out of style. But the rest? Plug. It. Up.


    Also, consider if maybe he is at the high weight range end of his diapers and it is time to size up? I realize that you use cloth so I don’t know for sure how that works but maybe a bigger cloth or size is in order? I mostly use disposables and whenever I start getting lots of leaks and seeps and all-out explosions, I size up. Perhaps it works with the particular style of cloth you use?

    Good luck. Crap explosions blow. No pun intended.

  • Sonya February 28, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    BRAT Diet? Bananas, Rice, Apples and Toast….We’re going through the same here and it’s firming things up if you get my drift.

  • Sara February 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Unrelated to this post, but this is the blog I read to feel most at-internet-home.

    Can any of you ladies recommend pregnancy websites or communities you found that were helpful/not mean-bitchy? I am totally fine with regular-bitchy. I love bitchy. I am bitchy. But I am the first of my friends to get pregnant and have been trying to find some pregnant internet ladyfriends, with zero luck. Especially on the Bump. Those girls (maybe not all of them, but I am mad and really in the mood to make broad generalizations) are enormous jerks.

    • Jilly-J's Mom February 29, 2012 at 12:10 am

      Have you tried BabyCenter? If not, try joining your birth club(whichever month you are due) and you might be in luck!

    • bree February 29, 2012 at 8:17 am

      Try HelloBee.com. I joined WeddingBee years ago before I was married, and while that site has sold, the original creator has recently started a similar site for parents called HelloBee. It’s just getting going, but everyone is helpful and nice.

    • Sara February 29, 2012 at 9:28 am

      Thanks! I just signed up for both sites. I’m really excited about HelloBee. I love WeddingBee when I was planning my wedding. Knew I could turn to the MODG folk.

  • Tracy February 29, 2012 at 9:26 am

    I was going to suggest probotics too, looks like lots have. We always get them from the pharmacist at Walgreens. Just a pack of sprinkle looking stuff we mixed with her milk. I don’t even know what the brand name was, we just asked and they ordered us some. Good luck with the soft poops!

  • Jen @ Caved In February 29, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Whenever our 14 month old is on antibiotics, we give him probiotics (like others have suggested) about two days after he finishes. Helps restore the good bacteria in his bowel so he’s not projectile shitting on the wall. Culturelle is great, just mix into a cup of room temp (not hot) liquid.

  • Sara JR February 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I totally love tv…. tv is ALWAYS on in our house… and I’m not even exaggerating. We are home, tv is on. We aren’t always in front of it tho. Even if I’m doing dishes or cleaning or whatever it’s on for background noise. And my 11 month old plays his toys in front of it and doesn’t pay any attention unless Sesame Street is on, then he is a drooling statue staring intently at the tv. Then I read articles and posts and blogs all talking about how ‘bad’ tv is for you and your kid and your family. Then I feel guilty and like a bad Mom. And people say ‘oh I only watch 2 hours of tv a week’…. WHAT!!! That’s only Gray’s and Private Practice. How would I fit in Parenthood and Jersey Shore and all my other shows? In summer we are an active outside family, honest… but it’s Wisconsin so lots of days stuck in the house. So to sum it up I’m a guilty tv watcher, so it makes me happy when I see others admit they love t.v. also!

  • Sally February 29, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    It was Nick Jonas, not Joe Jonas on Smash. Just sayin’….and I am not proud for knowing that.

  • Tamara February 29, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    My husband freaks at soft poo diapers, especially when it’s my daughter’s (we have b/g twins). The first time he looked at me and said, “Uh, she has poop in her hoo-ha so why don’t you change it since you know how to deal with that?” like it was something grown ass ladies have to deal with in the ladies’ room. As if.

    • CS February 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm

      Thank you, Tamara. That made me LOL as I think of the first time my husband exclaimed – there’s poo up in her stuff!

  • Kelly February 29, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Did I miss the post about the perfect white t-shirt? Did I imagine said post was going to exist?

  • Heather March 3, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I love reading your blog, I too had a horrible delivery and went through nursing issues. Nursing, homemade babyfood, keeping him at home during RSV season, etc. all things I did for his health and we still ended up with “the child that is just prone to ear infections”. So, I know about soft and runny poo, but I’m not a hippie so we use disposable diapers and it is still a mess!
    I know you are done with the antibiotic now but if he needs it again ask for an Rx for Rezyst. It is a probiotic for kids. It is a berry flavored tablet. You can crush it and put it in bananas or water. Now that mine has teeth, we call it candy. That and a few mini M&M (for bribes) is all he knows about candy!

  • Anna March 5, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    banana can help soft poo. I don’t know the science or the hippy-ness behind it but my mum said it works and I tried it and it works.

    Mum knowledge is usually the best for me.

    Cartoons are stupid B.

  • Anna March 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    PS. that last bit with the lyrics and the waitress went way over my English head.