Hello friends. 2012 looks sexy on you. So far, 2012 has brought me the following things:
1) a yeast infection (thank you antibiotics. Any drug that makes your vagina turn against you is questionable at best)
2) a family cold. I am the 3rd and final recipient of the mucus award.
3) a toddler. And with that toddler comes the many battles that ultimately create:
FOOD WARS. (which is not nearly as awesome as Cupcake Wars)
First, I should tell you that I’m using the word “toddler” liberally. Toddler implies actual toddling and G flat out refuses to walk or really even stand without holding onto something. He totally has the ability to do it, he just doesn’t feel like it. Sort of like 8 year old MODG in a stroller at Disney World. Whatever, you would too if you could. So I can’t fault the kid. However we *are* talking about the child who “opted out” of the crawling option all together, so it’s moderately feasible that I could have a 15 year old scooting around on the kitchen floor. Jesusgod.
It was only but weeks ago that my child was a straight up food hole. If I put it in front of him, he ate it. And then he ate more of it. I’m talking broccoli, asparagus, zucchini …like serious kid poison. We thought maybe we would be lucky and escape the great toddler food protest.
We were wrong.
I swear, these kids use the monitors in our houses to communicate with other babies while we think they are napping to plot against us.
Babies: We hear you’re eating food in an agreeable manner. You must stop this immediately
G: But food is great. I like it all.
Babies: FOOL. THEY ARE GIVING YOU CRAP. If your refuse you get things like watermelon and cereal.
G: Well, I do like watermelon and cereal.
Babies: After your protest, they will think that you will starve so they will give you whatever you want.
G: OK, I’M IN.
And so it began. Our great chunky monkey eater turned into a pissy toddler with *opinions*. They say that the longer you spend cooking something for a child, the less likely it is they will eat it. But what they are really saying is “Sister, just take that fresh organic turkey burger with vegetables and cheese and baby growing vitamins and throw it on the floor, then make a sick face at it, then gag a little and then scream. Save yourself the time.”
Dramababy=dramatoddler. FOR REAL PEOPLE.
The child had a cheeseburger. A GD CHEESEBURGER. It touched his tongue and he scraped it off and literally gagged. He looked at the food on his plate and gagged again FROM LOOKING AT IT.
Did I tell you that like 2 weeks ago the kid ate TWO cheeseburgers? Now I know I know I KNOW that kids do this. They go through phases. They eat they don’t eat. But I can’t keep up. And also I sort of panicked.
So I turned to my friend Amazon.
Amazon, please help me. My child won’t eat. Oh, you’d like me to buy this cookbook that will put healthy foods into other foods and be sneaky? PROBLEM SOLVED! Amazon however did not actually send the chef to cook the sneaky foods, just the damn book. I had a similar problem when Amazon told me to buy a workout dvd.
Then I purchase every sort of food that a child would eat just so that he actually does eat. Gone are the days where I even tried to cook everything from scratch and count fruits and vegetables and grains and proteins. PLEASE. I have a freezer of shit with Big Bird and Elmo on it. And I think food is inside. And then it goes like this:
Me: G, I made your favorite…PIZZA!
G: (looks curiously and tilts head at delicious pizza)
Me: (holds breathe)
G: (sticks his finger in it slowly as if to check for hidden razor blades)
Me: It’s good, you’ll love it! See mommy eats it!
G AHEH AHEH AHEH AHEH!
For those of you who do not speak toddler, that sound is like the worse impression of crying that you could do. It’s like you’re not even trying. But you want to make a sound that is as annoying as a nuclear explosion. And you know that you will get your way before everyone’s ears bleed.
I hear that sound 76 times a day.
So here we are people. It’s a total stand off. I don’t know if I can win this war. But damn straight I will try and go down fighting. We need to ban together and fight against them together. WE WENT TO COLLEGE PEOPLE, WE CAN DO THIS.
Please leave me any top secret tips to get kids to eat things. Remember, G is only one. So bribery and easy stuff doesn’t work.
Thank you and good luck to you. It’s rough out there.
I want to thank the fine people at Katy and Zucchini for making this cry for help possible. They make the best coolest shit ever for kids and now adults too. Like you know how being a nerd is cool now? They call it “hipster” but let’s be real people. Nerds are so 2012. I especially want this. Mostly because my friend who lives in abu dhabi gets one every time she eats food. Although my friend is not a baby. Maybe it would fit though. Use code MODG20 for 20% off FOR YOUR NERD HERD.