Dudes. I’ve been going to the gym so much.
BAM. I just lied to you. That’s what friends do. But actually, I’ve been on the BABY gym tour of the southeastern region of Pennsylvania. **side** Baby Gyms are fancy little padded cells that parents send their kids so they run around in circles and swing from bars until they nap for 5 hours straight. They cost about as much as a cell phone plan**
Seriously. We need to discuss this. Since when did it become mandatory to send your baby to the gym? Because it’s not like IF you belong to one of these gyms, it’s which one.
Meanwhile, G still thinks tupperware and an onion are his best friends. But here’s the thing. These gyms let you come for free once. I really love free. So we take the free ride tour. Especially when it rains. Rain can blow me these days.
We’ve been to Little Gym, My Gym and Gymboree. And everyone of those damn gyms is like so much better than the gym that I used to go to. But the baby gyms have all this cool shit and trampolines and swings and puppets. Adult gyms need puppets.
So here’s what happens at these gyms. There is a gym “leader”. She is usually a musical theater major at the local community college and circle time is her stage. We sit in the circle with all the parents and kids. And we sing songs and stuff. Except the musical theater major sings Wheels on the Bus with vibrato.
And it’s basically impossible to get G to sit still because the babies JUST want to go see all of the cool shit all around them and we’re expected to hold them still and sing itsy bitsy spider in their face. G is like, bitch please, I’m over that spider. And then all the other mothers are like sitting happily with their kid and I’m like, whatever G just go do your thing. And then he sits in the middle of the circle and stares and evaluates all of the other babies. I’m like, dude, can we not be SO obvious about the judging?
And then there are the moms. Oh I am so spoiled with my hippie mom friends. I am surrounded by a world of hemp and cloth diapers and peace and love. I get to the baby gym and it’s all flare Lululemon leggings and lip gloss. And the mom’s are fancy too. Like this:
Makeup mom: So how old is your baby?
Me: 10 months
MM: Oh my Pepe was walking at 8 months and flying small jets at 10 months
Me: Pepe sounds like he knows what he’s doing
MM: Yeah, we just can’t keep up with our little genius these days
Me: G is really good at scooting around on the floor.
MM: oh….I see. Well, with some hard work he’ll catch up.
And then I say something like, oh the glitter on your smokey eyes is smudging. And then they run to the bathroom and I can hide by the balance beam with G and talk shit about everyone with him.
The next part of gym time is the activity. It’s usually like this: The leader’s assistant (the leader is *really* busy) will take the kids and have them jump off of the mat onto another mat. And by jump off of a mat, I mean she picks up the baby and places them slowly on the ground. G is giving me side eye, like really? I dive head first into the hardwood at home. What is this shit? And I’m like, dude, I know. Just be cool about it.
And then they go buck wild around the place with the balls and the swings and the mats. And then a kid will take a ball from G and the mom is like JEREMIAH JACKSON, YOU NEED TO SHARE. And I’m like….it’s fine, he’s 8 months old. And the mom is like, NO He NEEDS to SHARE. Then G smacks the kid and steals his ipod and I’m no where to be found. He has his whole damn life to share. He’s a baby. Everyone chill.
And then we sing another song and it’s over and I call my hippie friends on the way home and thank the good lord of hemp that I have them.
Because the day that G actually chooses his own friends and I have to hang out with their moms will be another story. So moms in the real world who deal with other moms. How do you do it without punching someone? Or do you punch someone just when no one is looking and run away really fast? And should I home school G and tell him that his mother will be the only one who will truly love him this much and the world is evil?
I totally get why hippies end up in communes.
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