I'm funny

It’s like I’ve been home schooled and sheltered from the real world of mompetition. I bring you: THE BABY GYM.

October 23, 2011

Dudes. I’ve been going to the gym so much.




BAM. I just lied to you. That’s what friends do. But actually, I’ve been on the BABY gym tour of the southeastern region of Pennsylvania. **side** Baby Gyms are fancy little padded cells that parents send their kids so they run around in circles and swing from bars until they nap for 5 hours straight. They cost about as much as a cell phone plan**

Seriously. We need to discuss this. Since when did it become mandatory to send your baby to the gym? Because it’s not like IF you belong to one of these gyms, it’s which one.

Meanwhile, G still thinks tupperware and an onion are his best friends. But here’s the thing. These gyms let you come for free once. I really love free. So we take the free ride tour. Especially when it rains. Rain can blow me these days.

We’ve been to Little Gym, My Gym and Gymboree. And everyone of those damn gyms is like so much better than the gym that I used to go to. But the baby gyms have all this cool shit and trampolines and swings and puppets. Adult gyms need puppets.

So here’s what happens at these gyms. There is a gym “leader”. She is usually a musical theater major at the local community college and circle time is her stage. We sit in the circle with all the parents and kids. And we sing songs and stuff. Except the musical theater major sings Wheels on the Bus with vibrato.

And it’s basically impossible to get G to sit still because the babies JUST want to go see all of the cool shit all around them and we’re expected to hold them still and sing itsy bitsy spider in their face. G is like, bitch please, I’m over that spider. And then all the other mothers are like sitting happily with their kid and I’m like, whatever G just go do your thing. And then he sits in the middle of the circle and stares and evaluates all of the other babies. I’m like, dude, can we not be SO obvious about the judging?

And then there are the moms. Oh I am so spoiled with my hippie mom friends. I am surrounded by a world of hemp and cloth diapers and peace and love. I get to the baby gym and it’s all flare Lululemon leggings and lip gloss. And the mom’s are fancy too. Like this:

Makeup mom: So how old is your baby?

Me: 10 months

MM: Oh my Pepe was walking at 8 months and flying small jets at 10 months

Me: Pepe sounds like he knows what he’s doing

MM: Yeah, we just can’t keep up with our little genius these days

Me: G is really good at scooting around on the floor.

MM: oh….I see. Well, with some hard work he’ll catch up.

And then I say something like, oh the glitter on your smokey eyes is smudging. And then they run to the bathroom and I can hide by the balance beam with G and talk shit about everyone with him.

The next part of gym time is the activity. It’s usually like this: The leader’s assistant (the leader is *really* busy) will take the kids and have them jump off of the mat onto another mat. And by jump off of a mat, I mean she picks up the baby and places them slowly on the ground. G is giving me side eye, like really? I dive head first into the hardwood at home. What is this shit? And I’m like, dude, I know. Just be cool about it.

And then they go buck wild around the place with the balls and the swings and the mats. And then a kid will take a ball from G and the mom is like JEREMIAH JACKSON, YOU NEED TO SHARE. And I’m like….it’s fine, he’s 8 months old. And the mom is like, NO He NEEDS to SHARE. Then G smacks the kid and steals his ipod and I’m no where to be found. He has his whole damn life to share. He’s a baby. Everyone chill.

And then we sing another song and it’s over and I call my hippie friends on the way home and thank the good lord of hemp that I have them.

Because the day that G actually chooses his own friends and I have to hang out with their moms will be another story. So moms in the real world who deal with other moms. How do you do it without punching someone? Or do you punch someone just when no one is looking and run away really fast? And should I home school G and tell him that his mother will be the only one who will truly love him this much and the world is evil?

I totally get why hippies end up in communes.


PS. Ask MODG isn’t working yet. If you asked something, resend it to modgblog at gmail dot com





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  • MrsE October 23, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    I am new to hippie friends, but I really am loving it. Anything goes. Went to a hippie mom (AKA Babywearing Mamas) playdate last week… this one chick let he 18m old splash in puddles the WHOLE time… and did not once cry, punch him or eat a Xanax. Not only was I shocked and impressed, I was jealous of her hip hippieness. I can only aspire to be that great, one day. In the meantime, I will watch in awe :) Point being, eff the glitter glam gossip whores and go roll your kid in mud with the real super moms…

  • Rachel October 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    I love you.




  • Domesticated Gal October 23, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Mine is Always the kid staring everyone down. Unless he’s the one running in circles while everyone else is doing sprint dashes in a straight line across the room. Whatev. Clapping en mass is for chumps. Right?

  • sarah October 23, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Punch & Run.

    • MODG October 23, 2011 at 8:51 pm


  • Lluvia October 23, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    I let my kid play with the sand at the parks! She loves it and has a grand old time! It’s a lot nicer than having to run around with her telling her to stop. The only thing I do get after her is taking the toys away from other kids. She’s too, and she needs to learn to be polite. She not only yanks the toys, but will push and hit the kid away. Other than that, I let her be!

    • Lluvia October 23, 2011 at 8:51 pm

      *two NOT too

      • Lluvia October 23, 2011 at 8:56 pm

        oh…and uh, no we don’t do baby gyms. I’ve been to all of them, and I prefer the other baby play areas. Much cheaper, and the moms are more fun.

  • Momma October 23, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Maybe that is my problem. I need to hang out with hippie friends…..

  • ChristiWampler October 23, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    This is a tough one for sure. I am mega friendly and always looking to talk to other moms at the park and what not because it keeps me from having to talk to my own kids for 5 minutes. But 9 times out of 10, I have nothing in common with them and it sucks. Either I start cussing while talking about Dora or they start about talking their bible study and we realize that we aren’t meant to be. So we just go to Target and buy popcorn and buy more throw pillows for my bed. It’s a win-win for us both.

    • Krista October 23, 2011 at 8:55 pm

      Totally! I though I might make friends with other Little Gym moms, but we never have anything in common. Same thing – their other activity is always a bible study or crafting or something. Can’t we just go get coffee and gossip about celebs?

  • Miranda October 23, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    We went to ONE birthday party at a baby gym and that was enough for me to know that I do not give two shits if my kid is EVER enrolled in one of them. Ever. I will send him out to the cul-de-sac to dodge the wayward and random car that happens to roll down here casing out the two empty houses before I will join a baby gym.

    (P.S. People who read that and don’t know sarcasm. I won’t actually send my kid to play in the street. Unless he’s wearing a helmet.)

    • Caeslsmomma October 23, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      Unless hes wearing a helmet, hilarious

    • Christi October 24, 2011 at 9:23 am

      Your kid can come run with mine in the cul-de-sac and climb trees…and I dont force helmets. My only rule is: If you can climb the tree on your own then you are big enough. This includes getting down: the easy way or the hard way.
      I have 4 kids and 3 are boys…Trust me, it is the best rule ever.

      • Katie E. October 24, 2011 at 2:23 pm

        I grew up with that rule. Out of my hoard of cousins, sibling, and myself, none of us broke anything. And we are all clumsy people. LOVE YOUR RULE!

      • Lindsay October 27, 2011 at 9:45 am

        This is the best rule! I tried to explain it to my husband – he`s all “but the falling! and the broken bones! and the emergency room!” and I’m all like “dude, just trust me okay? I take care of the kid 90% of the time – when was the last time you picked us up at the ER?”

  • Krista October 23, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    We do Little Gym and I joined just so that I had somewhere to go to get out of the house. I live in Washington and it rains most of the year. When we first started going my daughter was soooo shy. She clung to me the entire time and never let the instructor near her. Now she is the first one out of the circle and running around like a maniac. I am lucky for two reasons: (1) she is one of the most athletic 2.5 year olds in her class so no one can make me feel inferior about her skills, and (2) most of the other moms in her class are wearing yoga pants and sweatshirts like me. I was a little shocked this summer when I realized I might have been the only mom there without a pedicure, but that’s the last think I have time for…

  • Lluvia October 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    My local library has a free Music and Movement class for ages 0 to 4 or 5, and my toddler loves it! She loves to sing and dance and does very well. You don’t have to befriend anyone because you are up and dancing with your kid. I don’t need to mention it’s a great workout for me.

  • Amanda Black October 23, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    I’m going with the punching and running thing. Light a soy candle later.

  • Vanessa October 23, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    I just mention my hippieness as much as possible to horrify the normals. Like my kid just turned 6 months, and he was sitting on his own and reaching for our food and all that, so we started BLW and every damn time I tell someone IRL about it, they look at me like I’ve grown an extra head. So then I break out the pictures of the kid chomping on some asparagus or something, and they get even more scared. I’m sure they’re thinking up ways to anonymously call CPS on me without me finding out it was them. They’re equally horrified when I let him roll around and hold other babies’ hands and chew on blocks and whatever it is babies like doing. But damn, he’s a baby! Do you expect him to be working on his thesis?

    But I have to admit, I was pretty embarrassed when I went to playgroup and my kid rolled onto his belly and shimmied up to a 5 month old girl so he could suck her thumb. Sucked another baby’s thumb!

    • Jen October 23, 2011 at 10:21 pm


      • Jen October 23, 2011 at 10:21 pm

        I mean, LMAO!

  • Hannah Elise October 23, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Home education is where it’s at, yo. (Or something.)

    We’ll make a full-fledged hippie out of you yet. 😉

  • Miss Andi October 23, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    MODG should open a commune. It should have wine, Bravo, and Amazon same day delivery.

    • Abigail October 23, 2011 at 9:25 pm


  • Ann October 23, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Oh, my, this is my favorite (or non-topic) to complain about. First I must say that my kids are older–almost 16, 13, and 8. Which makes me “older” as well. I have never worn a thong in my life and I am most likely exactly the kind of mom a lot of you are desperately trying to avoid being. I would hate to have you see my jeans. I think I am starting to get hot flashes. I can claim some hippie-ness, though, having done the natural childbirth/cloth diaper/attachment parenting thing, so there’s that.

    But anyway, the mompetition-competitive parenting thing only gets worse, I hate to tell you. And it’s scarier, because instead of just knowing that their baby cannot possibly be any better than yours just because she has adorable baby leggings, the things really do make me panic. I dread parent meetings at school: “My JimBob is going to take just the regular advanced math instead of the super-advanced, because with being on the high school varsity track team as a 7th-grader, well, he’s just got too much going on!” April, when everyone starts talking about how many camps their kids are going to this summer…awful. I am really, really worried about the next couple of years when we are considering colleges. It’s going to combine the worst competitive natures of everything: money, the parents’ college connections, and your child’s actual abilities. Nightmarish.

    That said, though, no, don’t hit people. Don’t give up on the system, because there are a lot of good people there. But definitely, absolutely, without question keep your hippie mom friends, because they will keep you sane. When all the kids are in school, make a lunch date at least once a week. Scream to them. You’ll be all right.

  • MrsDzo October 23, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    My best friends are a tomato and Liza Minelli. (Either you get that joke or you don’t.)

    My question: Is it a rule that you have to hang out with the moms of your babies’ friends? At what age does your child start picking their friends? I get along with roughly 2 people. I’m doomed.

  • Stephaniecothran October 23, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Before you judge- I Am A Teacher at The Little Gym. I know, I know. But– do I take my kids to classes there? NOPE. I take them for fun sometimes, but do I feel as if their developmental progress depends on a program like this? No. Most of the moms that come to my gym are cloth diapering/chiropractic care/ zero antibiotic moms. Maybe it’s just the area. Most of the parents are pretty laid back and cool. I have definitely had scary parents. Momzilla’s. Moms that come for the free class, and then have their nanny bring their kid each week. I think the gym is good for kids that don’t get much socialization. BUT- you can also socialize your child at a public park. Where we really shine is kids that are autistic/asbergers and the like. I teach pre K gym classes, so special needs kids are fairly common in that age group. Kids that need to feel successful in a setting surrounded by peers and in a non competitive environment. So, it has it’s purpose. I definitely agree that it is overpriced and not a necessity. But don’t tell my boss that. :)

    • Hannah Elise October 24, 2011 at 11:38 am

      On the whole “I teach there but don’t take my kids there” thing… I totally understand you on that. Before my son was born, I worked off and on over the years (part-time during my senior year, gap year before college, then after college, etc) at a special needs-integrated preschool. I loved it. And it was exasperating. Do I feel like I was able to make a difference in the lives of some of those children? Most definitely. Do I feel that I need to put my son in a preschool program? No. We knew before I was even pregnant that if we had kids, we wanted to be able to make the choice to live on one income in order to allow me to stay at home, and worked toward that goal. We also intend to home school, when the time comes.

      Like Stephanie said… there are lots of options for “socializing” your child. Paying uber-bucks to send them to a kids’ gym or a “top notch” preschool program is not necessary.

      (And now I need to go pull a receipt out of my son’s mouth. Le sigh.)

  • Tamar October 23, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    I am a lululemon, lip gloss wearing, pedicure mom BUT I am not an asshole. I am friends with the cloth diaper, elimination communication, hemp hippy mommies and there is a balance. We aren’t all snot faced bitches so don’t write us off just yet. One of those moms is kick ass you just have to find her. As far as dealing with the others mommies I just sarcastic and tell them my baby may not be walking but he figured out the situation in the middle east.

  • Ells October 23, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Fuck yeah, hippies.

    No, really. I love hippies. I’m from Oregon, which is like mecca for hippies, and now I live in the south and people are like, “why do you like hippies so much? you wear makeup and cute clothes, you don’t look like a hippie.”

    You’d never ask me that, A-modg. You get it.

    (p.s. my bessfrien also worked at The Little Gym for awhile, and you nailed her. I’d read this to her if I didn’t know it would offend her. She also took like .02 gymnastics classes and 1.5 belly dance class, so she’s “experienced” when it comes to movement science.

    p.p.s. Clearly, I’m a little miffed at my bessfren right now, and I know she doesn’t read your blog, which is why I’m talking smack so freely. Also, I’ve had some wine. Don’t judge me.)

  • ADR October 23, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Ok, I’m a nanny, not a mom, but oh my word on the gyms. I’ve done them all too, and so far the most ridiculous is Gymboree. If I have to listen to the Gymboree song again, I’m going to use that parachute to trip the group leader. And if one more bubble pops in my eye, God help her too.

  • JenBement October 23, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    My first child was subjected to the horror that is Gymboree (almost 10 years later and I can still sing the damn parachute song). Most of the moms were ok but out of all of them – I kept one around for a friend . By my second child, my idea of gym time was throwing the kds in the yard together while moms did more important stuff like gossip or drink wine.

    • Katie E. October 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm


  • Meg October 23, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Too funny!  I live in Boca Raton currently & had gone to the Little Gym to have some mommy & me time before my daughter was born, just 2 months. The only benefit we got was that he learned how to get off our bed safely. I was a kinesiology major & was excited, but little man was afraid of everything there. At home he’s a daredevil. Anyway, being in this area I’m surrounded by fake moms. Not just because you know their t&a are implants & they have cat woman faces, but they have nannies, are a mother of 1 & don’t work. If you ever see them out with their nannies & kids they are dressed to the nines. I’ve never been at a Target & felt so under dressed in my jeans. I wouldn’t say that I would have a lot in common with all the hippies either, I don’t cloth diaper. I do however do the chemical-free disposables, I bf, doing the BLW, feed my kids GMO free & organic foods as much as I can, & I am a complete nut about toxic chemicals- from them in the pjs to cosmetic products (like baby lotion). No formaldehyde for my kids, but thanks! And I’d rather not wear lead on my lips or mercury on my eyelashes (read the Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep Database to learn more). So I do have that, but I love beauty products so I’m glad I’ve found blogs like The Glamorganic Goddess. My parents were hippies & I have it in my heart, I just don’t fit 1 stereotype like that; I’m just a mix.

  • Rei October 23, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    Awesome. Have you watched Up All Night yet? Totally nailed the baby gym.

    • teresa October 24, 2011 at 2:54 pm


    • Anna October 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm

      I was waiting for the Up All Night Reference…My husband and I have been making peek-a-boo jokes all week.

      • Cindy October 25, 2011 at 4:41 pm

        Us too! I loved it when “Kayla’s Mom” suddenly showed up with raggedy-ass hair and they started beating the stroller.

  • Emily October 24, 2011 at 12:33 am

    Can we talk about sharing? And the compulsion people feel to teach their 4 day old babies that “we neeeed to sshaa-aarre.”
    Babies don’t “need” to share.
    And until a kid learns to keep its own urine and feces inside its body until positioned over a toilet, I don’t think sharing is the most important thing on the list of stuff to do.
    Plus, what does it teach kids when we make them “share” with the a-hole who just came up and jacked the toy away from them?
    No – tell the a-hole to find his own toy. Because I’m pretty sure if I went up the the lady driving the brand new Volvo XC60 and decoded to jack her keys and drive off, no one would be saying, “It’s okay, Jennifer, you need to shaaa-aare with your new friend.”
    It’s crap. So can we all come to a truce on the playground or at the play gym and agree to let the kiddos work out their social issues without us big people getting all up in their faces?
    If your answer is yes, then we need to meet at the playground. And beat up the other moms who want to force the shaaa-aaaring.

    • Krista October 24, 2011 at 1:19 am

      Seriously. Just the other week at a playgroup my daughter clearly took a toy from a younger boy. As I’m telling her to give it back, his mother is trying to make him share with her. Not only is the situation totally confusing for the kids as we contradict each other, the kids aren’t learning anything about what it actually means to share.

      • Shana October 24, 2011 at 2:18 am

        FYI (you guys will like this) – Growing Child newsletter did an article on sharing a while back. It turns out that forcing kids to share too young often backfires, and makes them more fixated on “mine”….meaning you’ll be harping on them about sharing for years to come. The recommended age for sharing was….crap. I can’t remember. But it was shockingly old. 4? 5? Maybe 3. Gah!! In any case, it was over 2. :)

  • Ashley October 24, 2011 at 1:03 am

    You need an iPhone app.

  • Shana October 24, 2011 at 2:06 am

    I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. This is so, so true. And have you tried music classes? With the exception of one rockin’ one back in Denver, they are also very scary. The one I tried out in PA (um, ok by “tried” I mean I paid for the damn thing, went twice and dropped out) involved getting a bunch of 9 month olds to pretend to look through fake leaves (scarves) for fall related objects (a paper school bus???) while they strummed a guitar and sang something about crunching through leaves. My 9 month old just grinned and drooled. Although, what can you expect? He’s a music class dropout.

    I’m also scared by how unscary the term “homeschool” is. Wait! Did I just write that? So. Freakin. Scary.

  • Becca October 24, 2011 at 5:16 am

    The joys of being rural – we have none of that fancy stuff. I’m just intimidated by the fact that other mums can afford to eat lunch out daily, and can stay up past 10 o’clock while I’m zonked by 8:30!

    • Hannah Elise October 24, 2011 at 11:40 am

      Amen. Three cheers for rural livin’. 😉

      (Reading down through the comments, thus far it seems that I’m the only home schooler here. Hm. Ah well, at least I can find solidarity in the fact that there’s another rural mama.)

      • Katie E. October 24, 2011 at 2:52 pm

        I am homeschooling for the year, and enjoying it.

  • Em Crunchy Mama October 24, 2011 at 7:01 am

    I saw a video on you tube about letting babies interact and play without constant interruption from adults. Those babies were having a blast learning to step up and down on mats, open drawers, and yes, take toys from one another. But the interesting thing is that there wasn’t any drama. There wasn’t a sense of “mine” because they weren’t being told to share. I’d love to find a place like that one. No hovering parents screaming about sharing.
    Just tons of babies exploring what’s around them with their own baby kind.

  • Britt October 24, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I love this! My baby was always the one who would go to the center of the circle. Seriously, how do the other babies sit still, I don’t understand. She would also make a break for the door every chance she got. I guess she was trying to tell me something.

    At our gym, it was me, a couple other stay-at-home moms and the rest were nannies. I didn’t realize that many people had nannies! But no one was dressed up, ever. Its like yoga pants were required to walk in the door.

  • Megan M. October 24, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I signed my daughter up for Gymboree when she was 8 months old. I made through 2 classes and then became a quitter. Now we go to the Chicago Park District Gymnastics glass once a week which is $65/10 class session. Cheap and free of lululemon but not lip gloss.

    Also, last summer (2010), I had this conversation with a man at the park as we were pushing our children on the swings:
    Man- “Is your baby walking yet?”
    Me- “Nope, she’s only 10 months old.”
    Man, smugly- “My son starting walking at 8 months. Now he’s running all over the place!”
    Me smiling politely- “That’s great.”
    Man- “I’m sure your daughter will catch up soon.”
    Me- “I’m not worried about it. She’s only 10 months.”
    Man- “I mean, not all kids are early walkers. I’m sure she’ll catch up. ”
    Me- “you know what? I work with babies that have special needs. Real, true, serious special needs. So rather than comparing my perfectly healthy baby to your perfectly healthy baby, I’m just grateful for her instead. Maybe you should try that.”
    This man has blessedly never spoken to me again.

    • koreen October 24, 2011 at 11:14 am

      You rock, Megan M.

    • Hannah Elise October 24, 2011 at 11:46 am

      If I could give you a hug right now, Megan, I would.

      Before Asher came along, I worked with special needs preschoolers. When the time came for optional testing that posed a risk to my unborn boy, I told the obgyn that even if the test came back with a chance of something “wrong” we would be keeping the baby. He was like, “Well, if there’s anything serious medically we need to know about, should be able to see it on the ultrasound anyway when the time comes, so if you know you won’t be terminating regardless, this is unnecessary. Sign the pretty waiver.”

      Well, okay, he didn’t call it pretty. But I was just like… I’ve worked with and been a one-to-ine aide for kiddos with needs you’re planning to screen for, and if there are needs with my own child, we’ll face them head on. Naturally, we’re happy that we were blessed and he is healthy, but yeah…

      …guess I kind-of got on a soapbox here. Oops. :/

      Anyway, I commend your response to that father. :) <3

  • katiegalvin02 October 24, 2011 at 9:10 am

    I took my older daughter to Gymboree once and she was the only one not walking and all of the other parents stared at her. We never went back.

    At least you don’t have a daughter (yet). Dance Moms is an entirely different species of mom I tell you. The dance studio is a scary place.

  • Courtney October 24, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Find a core group of moms like you. Force your kids to be bffs. And then you have a little place where you can safely talk shit on the idiot moms that roam your little town.
    Works for me.

  • Maggie October 24, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Little Gym, Gymboree…..that shiz is just the tip of the ginormous iceberg that is MOMPETITION. Wait till school and organized sports/activities. Your hippie hemp head will spin off your mom jean clad body.

    But Little Gym was great for my first, who ran around like she owned the place and NEVER did circle time. For which I was immensely proud and it was what kept me going back….the looks on the faces of the other moms when they saw her take off her clothes and run around like a nut during the parachute.

    You will make mom friends – and really good ones too. just not now. Toddler stage is the booty call of parenting. You want friends, you need friends, you will do anything to have people to come over and be moms with you. But that fades and gets old, like Kate Gosselin. When G starts school is when you will really find your friends. You are all in it together, you are all always in the same place and you all will still sniff the glue at back to school night. Be patient. And stay away from any mom that says “we HAVE to get our kids together!!!” that means she’s been through everyone she knows and they can’t stand her. You’ve been warned.

    • Katie E. October 24, 2011 at 2:50 pm

      So true Maggie, so true!

  • Cyndi October 24, 2011 at 9:42 am

    There’s a Modern Family episode in the 1st season you should totally watch where the gay couple take their baby to the baby gym.

    • Emily October 24, 2011 at 9:51 am

      Love that show…..love that episode. Cam is awesome!

  • Emily October 24, 2011 at 9:50 am

    This post is great. I am a little behind on the DVR but the episode of Up All Night that we just watched was a similar story. What great timing MODG!

  • libbs October 24, 2011 at 9:56 am

    did you write the script for the Up All Night episode the other week?

    anyway your posts are hilarious. your hippie friends sound awesome and G may be the cutest/most handsome baby i’ve seen.

  • Casey October 24, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Oh. My. God. I totally feel that way about going to the weekly baby class at the library. I have my hair in braids and all the other moms look like freaking rock stars. Also, my kid is totally the one who hangs out in the middle during singing-ridiculous-songs-circle-time. Except for he doesn’t just sit there and judge the other babies. He points and laughs at them. Not a joke. He really does that. I just sit back and watch.

    • ElsMom October 24, 2011 at 4:06 pm

      Hahaha. I love your baby!

  • DesireeSmith October 24, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Hey MODG, love your blog! My sister introduced it to me with the boobie beanie post. I have some up tight people in my life that give me grief about breastfeeding because I have a distractable drama baby. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone in the world of drama babies.

    I knew there was a reason I was avoiding the baby gyms. Thanks for the heads up. I have to say I love my hippie friends at LLL. Never have I felt more accepted in my parenting style than with them.

    I’m actually anti-sharing for the most part. Definitely on the germ-a-phobe side here. I blame it on the classes I took about communicable diseases. There’s some scary stuff out there.

    I am dreading when my child picks her own friends (she’s 5 months old)… though I hope she will pick ones with parents who don’t make me crazy and want to pull my hair out or want to punch them in the face.

    • koreen October 24, 2011 at 11:25 am

      I have found that, in regards to my child picking friends, the ones he has the least amount of drama with and gets along with just fine, have moms that I really click with. I guess we’re in tune.

  • Stacy October 24, 2011 at 10:13 am

    I thought I might be the only one who refused to pay $75 a month for Gymboree. My sisters and I didn’t have that when growing up so I’m sure my daughter will be juuuust fine. I drop her off at my awesome mega gym childcare center while I go work out on a daily basis. She gets socialized and has time away from me. She has just started with the separation crying routine. I just put her down, tell her I love her and walk away as she is plastered to the plexi glass door with tears streaming down her face. But I know she is fine after 2 minutes.

    I just play toddler tunes for her at the house. And my other mom friend is lipgloss, skinny cord and high heel wearer. She is the sweetest and I think……..I should wear stuff like that. But in reality I just like my cloth diapers and I want to wear boyfriend jeans and Toms.

  • Jamie October 24, 2011 at 10:16 am

    I’ve been reading for awhile but never commented, but you HAVE to to watch “Up All Night” (just because it’s awesome and reminds me of you) but last weeks episode was about this baby gym stuff! It’s HILARIOUS.

  • Kristal October 24, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Ok so…I’m not a mom or anything but will hopefully be in the next couple of years. A friend of mine turned me onto your blog and I gotta say I LOVE IT! You crack me up! Anyways, I had NO idea what lululemon was until this blog (I just googled it) and I just wanna say, are these bitches crazy!? $128.00 FOR A DAMN HOODIE!? Bitch please…

  • Nicole J @ Pampers & Pumps October 24, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I love the new blog set up, I’ve been slacking on my daily reads so I’m just now seeing the new look. B is only 3 months so we aren’t ready for the whole baby gym thing yet. There is a Romp and Roll in Limerick that may have a free trial if you want to continue your baby gym tour.

  • g October 24, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    oh man, this is the first time I’ve been glad I’m not a stay at home mom. my husband can tolerate this stuff so much better than I would be able to! I took the baby to the park this past weekend and felt this weird mix of awkwardness and revulsion towards Humanity the entire time. hopefully the baby will grow up to be less anti-social than I am.
    LOVE youe dialogue w/G

  • Marci October 24, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    i don’t even know what it’s like out there. we are shut-ins and will continue to be shut-ins. forever and ever the end.

  • demi October 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    omg. we had our kids in a gymboree class when we used to go to the gym. it’s was 50 bucks a kid a month, and they only watched them for an hour! crazytown.

  • demi October 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    oh and another thing too-i “may” be a snob, but I just don’t do play dates anymore. we actually take our kids with us to bars with cool video games while me and the mr. can have some sanity time. we don’t get hammered (most of the time, or else we’ll call a friend to come get us) but they love it because all the adults ooh and ahh over them and buy them free games on the video machines. bad parenting? whatever. everyone has a splendid time. and we only do it like twice a month.

  • Katie E. October 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Wellllll….I’m a southener, so almost everyone has got on some make-up, wherever you are. I was taught as a young girl that mascara is like underwear, you shouldn’t leave home without it. But there were those college years, when sometimes you might not come back home with it, so I don’t judge those without mascara…or panties. I don’t do baby gyms. It might be because I am on child 2, and am way more laid back. He will walk, talk, and crawl on his own schedule. I’m pretty sure of it. He has an older brother to torment, so that covers some of the socialization needs. We go to church, so he has some baby pals to snatch things from and pull hair, and kiss. We have a couple of cool parks, one of which is indoors, near us, so we see other kids. So no baby gyms for us.

    I have a theory about the mompetition. It is hard to stay home with your babies. Some days you want to walk out, drive to the nearest liquor store, and keep going until you hit Reno and become a sleazy lounge singer. Other days are better. But for the first time mommies, who have given up their “old” lives, and now are focused on their baby, it’s even harder. Because for some reason everyone wants to do everything “right”. So they go to baby gyms and show off and try to prove to the other mommies that they are doing everything “right”, and their sacrifice of a career was totally worthwhile, and they are still a super person unicorns would love. Because if their baby isn”t advanced or the best or whatever, then they must not be doing something “right”.

    It’s sad because they can’t just relax and enjoy having a baby who can’t talk back yet. Enjoy G, and let him play, and know that he will be a happier, less anxious child without all the pressure to be perfect. And if you get too rattled, describe the wonders of the diva cup to one of these women. Watch her face. It’s worth it. Sparkles and stars to you and yours!

    • LeslieB October 24, 2011 at 4:34 pm

      Well said.

      I’m a southerner too. Don’t judge us too harshly for always begin dressed up with lipgloss. I just do it because I’m terrified that if I left the house without it I would run into my mother. And she would horsewhip me in the street. Then make me go put on some makeup. And suck in my stomach.

      • Desiree October 25, 2011 at 8:44 am

        Do we have the same mom? Whenever she comes to visit her first words are always “Honey put some blush on and you need to make your eyes more dramatic!” I’m like “Yes Mother.” It’s easier not to fight.

        I wear lipgloss, Lulu and cloth diaper, BLW, breastfeeding fo’ life, and am a certified yoga instructor. BAM!

    • Krista October 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm

      And sometimes you join a baby gym because it’s something to do out of the house and let your kid socialize with other kids and burn off some energy doing some cool stuff they can’t do at home. Is it absolutely necessary to pay for any of this stuff for babies/toddlers? No. But it’s not all about showing off and competing with other moms or feeling better about choosing to stay home.

      • Stephaniecothran October 25, 2011 at 9:11 am

        That’s a good point too. It IS nice to get put of the house and let them run around. In the parent/child classes I have filled in for I encourage the little ones to run and explore- because that’s what kids do. I don’t need to spout out all the reasons that jumping off of a 3 stack trapezoid mat are a positive risk taking experience. They’re playing. It is what it is. :) I love when kids are themselves and don’t care what other kids are doing. My kids are that way. Individuality is what makes life so interesting!

    • Romelle October 30, 2011 at 2:19 pm

      You are so right about the need to show off. I am a homeschooling mom of six and I have been amazed by women’s needs for an audience. Homeschool moms will start a group for PE or co-op science on the pretense of helping their kids but I go and find they just want a setting for the over-achievers Olympics. I have had to withdrawal from group events because I can’t take the competition and if you refuse to play the game, you are shunned for being confident and content – the worst thing you can be.

  • anna October 24, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    hey, did you see last weeks ‘staying up late’? its the same sorta thing- baby gym, crazy circle leader, your kids aren’t progressing enough, what?, you don’t go to the red door spa before baby gym?? i always wonder, are these ppls fo realz??!!?? thanks, as always for keeping it realz!!! xoxo

  • ElsMom October 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    My daughter is 8. Each year brings a new mompetition! Birthday party, number of activities, which Beethoven symphony has little Jack learned, shows your kid isn’t allowed to watch, etc. We also live in the “slums” of a very wealthy school district. Most Moms that I see picking kids up from school drive SUVs as big as a bus and their only job is staying in shape for Big Daddy! I have even dropped my daughter off at the childcare facility at our gym, only to see the Nanny also in the childcare facility, making sure no one gets germs on Biff! Worst of all though are the stay-at-home Dads, the worst at our school told me (when my daughter was in KINDERGARTEN) that if we hadn’t started soccer yet we might as well not even bother!

  • Tricia October 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    In college, I worked at The Little Gym. I still have nightmares.

    Just be glad you don’t have to deal with gymnastics/dance teams. Dance Moms is for real. Those mommies are mean. And have nothing better to do with their lives. I refuse to play the “my kid is better than your kid” game, so I am pretty much the dance mom outcast. I have learned to be okay with that. Besides, those crazies wear things like “My daughter is a dance STAR” sparkle t-shirts, so we were never really going to be friends anyway.

  • Erin October 24, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    My son is 3 and has never been to any kind of ‘organized’ play group thing… He also doesn’t choose his own friends. I choose moms I like, and he can either play or not with their kids. The opinion of a person who thinks that the Fresh Beat Band is the ultimate in cool does not register too highly with me. LOL!

    PS.. Found your blog a couple weeks back and love it! It’s refreshing to know there are other moms like me out there!

  • Kate October 24, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    My son doesn’t need a baby gym. I go to a baby playgroup, and sometimes right here in my very own house, and they just climb all over each other while we chat and drink coffee. How to get out of the mompetition? Don’t play the game. Build a mental forcefield around you and your baby where anytime they say something obnoxious you just say okay or pretend you can’t talk. Game over pretty fast. Also, cling to those hippie friends and never let them go, do not leave them off the door and freeze them out like Rose did to Jack. Tell them they are the most awesomest momma friends ever and let your child grow up the way we did as kids and managed to survive. Those crazy moms will be exhausted by the time their kid is five, guaranteed.

  • Jenelle October 24, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    I was just introduced to this wachiness courtesy of “Up All Night” aka my NEW FAVORITE SHOW (since I’m expecting).

    MODG you gotta watch this! Everyone else should too. We watch on Hulu. :)


  • Katherine October 24, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    I am sorta in love with this entire post!

  • Carla October 24, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    So real! I can’t stand those baby gyms. I really need to find some hippies.

  • vturn7 October 24, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Ugh, on a daily basis! I have had to learn to be quiet and count the minutes until I can be away from them. I try my damndest not to be judgmental. Daily I want to cuss someone out in the neighborhood but think twice because their kid might know my kid.

    So in public I grit my teeth (my jaw hurts!) and paste a smile on my face. But when I get home my dh hears all about it!

  • Jell Jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown October 24, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    I don’t know about paying for a play date b/c I am of the poor variety, but I do like your idea of the free days. That’s some good thinking.

  • Vicki October 24, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    You should come to our playgroup. I live in South Eastern PA too. We (my 9 month old baby genius and I) were invited at La Leche League (boobs everywhere). We’ve been going since he was 1 month old (because, damnit, he had to learn to share) and it is great. Everyone is nice to everyone (except their husbands sometimes, who aren’t there but hard at work so the mommies don’t have to). The babies are all cute and eat each other’s toys. Seriously, you should come and hang with us. Most of us wear stretch pants and have a boob hang out.

  • Liz October 25, 2011 at 10:48 am

    MODG nails it again. I take my eleven month old to the “gym” mostly so that I can get out of the house and don’t have to figure out how to entertain her for an hour. She hates circle time at the beginning. Just wants to crawl/walk away and get to the fun stuff. I would just let her go but the leader and the assistant KEEP BRINGING HER BACK TO ME. Sigh. Then they all look at me funny when I announce at the end of it “Whew. Survived another circle time.”

    I have to say, though, that the other moms at the gym we go to are awesome.

  • Erin October 25, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I guess I’m a hippie-mom in some ways (I had a natural childbirth! I know what BLW means!)

    But I’ve found hippie moms plenty judgmental. I mean, co-sleeping, fine, baby-wearing, cool, BLW, whatever. But the total objection to processed sugar? So what if I want to give my kid a cupcake? I’d be a total hypocrite if I didn’t let her have the occasional junk food splurge. Hmph.

  • Randie K October 25, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Why all the Lululemon blasting? Just ’cause you’re a mom your ass can’t look good?

  • Selena Gruning October 26, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    You save my days.
    That being said – as a new mom I dont even know where to find fun mom’s to hang out with. As a fat-kid I cant see myself hanging with the southern california makeup-n-workout-gear-wearing-latte-in-hand-its-Friday-morning-at-8a.m.-we-have-mommy-n-me-manipedis-at-9, group. I want hippy friends with wicked-cool drama free babies.
    Advise please.

  • Wendy October 26, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Here’s a tip: Don’t take your baby to gym until he’s 3 and he can go in by himself. Then, you won’t have to stick around with moms who are inferior to your sensibilities due to how they dress or what they talk about or whatever. Also, the moms in the Baby and Me classes tend to only have one child, and are therefore more likely to be uptight and high maintenance than moms of two or three children. My almost 4 year-old loves The Little Gym (has been going since he turned 3). It’s a great place for him to play, learn new tricks, and give Mommy a break to power-walk the mall with his little sister in a stroller. (Yes, our gym is in the mall–handy for lots of reasons.)