Sometimes when I’m vacuuming the rug for the 9th time in a week, I look in the mirror and I’m like, man, how did I get here? And then I eat 7 cookies and a pepperoni and I’m like, man, how did I get here? And with that thought, today I came up with these:
6 things that have changed since I had a baby:
1) People think I’m nice. I walk around my neighborhood in ripped jeans, all black and giant sunglasses. I look like a trendy terrorist. But as soon as people see me pushing a stroller, they’re all “HI HOW AAARE YOU? BEAUTIFUL DAY ISN’T IT?” And I’m like really? I’m like beyond unapproachable right now. Old ladies in the elevator smile at me and saw awww. And people let me in front of them in line and stuff. My life before was 100% opposite. People would give me stink face 9 times out of 10 and extreme side eye just because. I am however, on the fence about this change.
2) I deleted Kendra from my dvr. It’s called time management.
3) I now shower at night instead of in the morning. This is *despite* the fact that I totally believe that people who choose to shower at night instead of in the morning are a little off. You know, those night showerers who like put wigs on their cats and eat their placenta. I tried this morning to become a day showerer again and it just felt totally wrong. Nights are where it’s at.
4) I cry at things like Kim Kardashian’s wedding. A wedding which stole FOUR hours of my life. That is not called time management.
5) Whenever I see another mom who looks relatively normal and young pushing a stroller in the mall, you make eye contact and give a head nod like, I KNOW. I WAS ONCE COOL TOO. It’s totally a non secret club that you join. A non secret club of stuff that you clean for 20 seconds and then it’s dirty again. A club of poop smells that pretty much just live inside of your nose. And jeans with vomit on them that you just can’t wash one more time TODAY.
6) My facebook friends have divided themselves into 2 categories: Those who post pictures of themselves in lingerie holding martinis in the club and those who don’t. I was totally on the other side not that long ago. But now these worlds now seem light years apart. Although I secretly really hope they keep it up. I mean let’s be honest, I’m not going to stop posting a hundred pictures of G. Because the one where he’s sitting on the chair with the toy is juuust as cute as the one where he’s sitting in the chair with the book and then also with the cat. So you have to see them all.
Tell me some stuff about your life that has changed post baby. And don’t say I NEVER KNEW I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH. We get it. You love your baby. Now tell us about how you love brownies and vodka.
Also pet energist is contacted. I WILL keep you posted on that.
WORD to your birds.