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6 ways my life has changed since having a baby. You know, important stuff like dvr and facebook.

October 12, 2011

Sometimes when I’m vacuuming the rug for the 9th time in a week, I look in the mirror and I’m like, man, how did I get here? And then I eat 7 cookies and a pepperoni and I’m like, man, how did I get here? And with that thought, today I came up with these:

6 things that have changed since I had a baby:

1) People think I’m nice. I walk around my neighborhood in ripped jeans, all black and giant sunglasses. I look like a trendy  terrorist. But as soon as people see me pushing a stroller, they’re all “HI HOW AAARE YOU? BEAUTIFUL DAY ISN’T IT?” And I’m like really? I’m like beyond unapproachable right now. Old ladies in the elevator smile at me and saw awww. And people let me in front of them in line and stuff. My life before was 100% opposite. People would give me stink face 9 times out of 10 and extreme side eye just because. I am however, on the fence about this change.



2) I deleted Kendra from my dvr. It’s called time management.

3) I now shower at night instead of in the morning. This is *despite* the fact that I totally believe that people who choose to shower at night instead of in the morning are a little off. You know, those night showerers who like put wigs on their cats and eat their placenta. I tried this morning to become a day showerer again and it just felt totally wrong. Nights are where it’s at.

4) I cry at things like Kim Kardashian’s wedding. A wedding which stole FOUR hours of my life. That is not called time management.

5) Whenever I see another mom who looks relatively normal and young pushing a stroller in the mall, you make eye contact and give a head nod like, I KNOW. I WAS ONCE COOL TOO. It’s totally a non secret club that you join. A non secret club of stuff that you clean for 20 seconds and then it’s dirty again. A club of poop smells that pretty much just live inside of your nose. And jeans with vomit on them that you just can’t wash one more time TODAY.

6) My facebook friends have divided themselves into 2 categories: Those who post pictures of themselves in lingerie holding martinis in the club and those who don’t. I was totally on the other side not that long ago. But now these worlds now seem light years apart. Although I secretly really hope they keep it up. I mean let’s be honest, I’m not going to stop posting a hundred pictures of G. Because the one where he’s sitting on the chair with the toy is juuust as cute as the one where he’s sitting in the chair with the book and then also with the cat. So you have to see them all.


Tell me some stuff about your life that has changed post baby. And don’t say I NEVER KNEW I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH. We get it. You love your baby. Now tell us about how you love brownies and vodka.

Also pet energist is contacted. I WILL keep you posted on that.

WORD to your birds.


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  • Krista October 12, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    I was told I should be consistent so instead of switching up wines I stick to moscato, don’t want my baby wondering why mommy’s wine keeps changing.
    I also show less cleavage because my kid likes to pull my shirt down. And life is not a lingerie party.

  • Bree October 12, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    My idea of a great date night is putting the kids to bed and eating a nice dinner and drinking a glass of wine AT HOME!

  • Andrea October 12, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    By far the weirdest thing that has happened is that I can’t ride roller coasters anymore. What’s that about? Also, I drink more. Significantly more.

  • Acinom October 12, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Instead of starting a night after 7, I’m already camped out on the couch then. And asleep by 8:30. But still beating my husband in the “staying up game” for a good half hour. We are animals!

  • DM's Mommy October 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Here’s a list of a few things that have changed:
    1. I crave more “me” time than I ever did before.
    2. Sleep is way more important now than when I was childless!
    3. I can’t drink as much as I did before kids. While this is good it is also very evident when I go out and I am tipsy after a few beers. WTH?
    4. If I do indulge too much I can’t sleep in……which leads to #5 b/c I can no longer sleep in:)

    There’s more but those are the first 5 I could think of:)

    • Mindy October 12, 2011 at 11:40 pm

      Wait… Aren’t there only 4 there…

  • Nikole October 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    I now stay up all hours of the night and survive on very little sleep. Not because I’m out partying like a badass, but because my son thinks 4am is party time in our house.
    And I will not stop posting a billion pictures of him on facebook either, or sending them to whoever I want. If they don’t like it they can bite me.

    • Terri October 13, 2011 at 2:40 am

      I think we should be friends, I also post photos of my son on facebook. If my friends dont like it they can delete me :)

  • H's mom October 12, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    I now have short(ish) hair because if the babe pulls out another giant chunk I will freak, and now it’s out of reach. I hate short hair.

    I always thought I was semi cool and fashionable, and now I baby matchy matchy baby outfits because the actual cute ones are too dang expensive. $60 for a peacoat that will fit for 1 month and smell like vomit after 1 hour? no thanks.

    My husband now judges me when I drink and wonders how much gets into the baby, instead of being excited about how fast it will get him into my pants later.

    I have an entire dairy room at work just to myself. I may or may not use that fridge for my lunch and other things besides milk, and take short naps in the easy chair.

    Organized events at the parties I attend now are things like egg relays and finger painting instead of beer pong.

    I bought an SUV.

    • H's mom October 12, 2011 at 9:38 pm

      I also have baby brain and replace other words with “baby” randomly in sentences by accident (see post above). I think it’s sort of like the smurfs, but with baby.

  • 100% committed October 12, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    My alcohol tolerance is better than a 21 year old. I drink a glass (or two). Every. Night. Winning.

  • amy October 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    I totes started to cry during Kimmy K’s nuptials while my little dude was napping. Then I told myself to pull it together, this is a ridiculous thing to cry about. She’s wearing 3 different dresses and a ring the size of Alabama (even though obviously I wish it was totally my wedding) This is how my life has changed. I cry at stupid reality weddings and dear.sophie.lee google chrome commercials. Have you seen this commercial? It’s so stupid you must watch it. Love you lady lumps. Oh, and I have lady lumps I never had before.

    • Rach October 12, 2011 at 10:07 pm

      wait a minute! i’m totally babyless and i SOB at the episode of the office with jim & pam’s wedding. fictional characters. and then i tried to describe it to my mom and it turned into a living reenactment of that scene from sleepless in seattle. YOU KNOW which one i mean.

      ditto the “dear sophie lee.” OMG I DIE.

      • Brittany October 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

        I bawl for Dear Sophie Lee. It’s uncontrollable. I think anyone with half an ounce of feminism in their body at least whimpers a bit. Haha.

        • Sara October 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

          Totally cry at the Dear Sophie Lee commercial too! One of those things that seems like such a good idea, but I am way too lazy (and a bit late) to do it.

  • LaurenF October 12, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    I completely relate to your facebook revelation. There is a girl I went to hs with who I fb stalk, and I like to refer to her as Tits McGee. She is tiny – like barely 5′ – and got these huge knocker implants that she flops around town every weekend on bar crawls, party buses, etc. She is 32 and an elem teacher. Meanwhile, she probably snarks about the 425 pics I post of J drooling on his newest obsession.

    My modesty is pretty much gone ever since I was admitted to the hospital for J’s birth. I think every resident, PA, & nurse on Long Island has seen my biz. Also – my mom has both seen and touched my boob – in attempts to help J latch on at the beginning.

    I talk about poop a lot. Mine, J’s, the cats’, my husband’s, your mom’s, whoever.

    This semi-inflated tire that has taken up residence where my waist used to be

    And one beer gets me 3/4 of the way to shwasted.

    • Christie October 13, 2011 at 6:21 am

      Love that you use the word shwasted, its one of my favorite words
      And now, one glass of wine gets me full blow shwasted and then head achy within 3 hours
      HUGE burn

  • EMallow October 12, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    1) the national anthem can totally be sung as a lullaby because it’s the only song I know all the words to
    2) I thought my days of memorizing poems were over, but I have our bedtime story (On the Night You Were Born) memorized and recite it every night. Poor kid probably hates it, but he’s too little to say so.
    3) I can do almost anything with one hand, with Baby P in the other arm
    4) my chronically five minutes late turned into chronically 15 minutes late for everything!
    5) I finally know what I want to be when I grow up and it only took me 32 years to figure it out – a Mama!!

    • Megan U. October 13, 2011 at 1:21 am

      heck yes it can be a lullaby!! :)

    • April October 13, 2011 at 6:08 pm

      Christmas carols can also be sung as lullabies if they’re the only songs you know all the words to. And my chronically five minutes late turned into an hour, so you’re doing pretty good with 15 minutes!

    • Alison October 15, 2011 at 11:33 pm

      Brillz. I just make up crap songs about how many fingers she has and how we’d all really really like to sleep for more than 4 hours tonight. Will definitely be trying the national anthem + Christmas carols.

    • Alyland October 19, 2011 at 12:33 pm

      I can’t read “On the Night You Were Born” without bawling my head off!

  • Krista G October 12, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Other babies are vastly cuter and more interesting now that I have one of my own. I used to tell people “I’m not a baby person” and I had to fake socially appropriate responses in baby situations. That’s not true anymore, now I am one of those people who coos and awws and is genuinely enthralled by OMG A BABY!!! I always knew that hormones or whatever would work their magic to make me love my own baby, but who knew the magic would extend to other people’s babies, too?!

    • julie s. October 12, 2011 at 9:52 pm

      This totally describes me, too! I was SO awkward around babies before, I never knew what to say about/to them. And now I can’t wait to hold them and make all sorts of noises at them.

    • Jules October 12, 2011 at 10:17 pm

      I’m the opposite. I have always been an “I love Babies!” pretender – and have always been verrrrry good at it. Now I’m not only a pretender, but also a closet “wow, my baby is so much better than that baby” person. I have turned into a Mama Two Face whereas I was a Barren Two Face before, I guess.

      • Megan M. October 13, 2011 at 7:55 am

        Before I had my daughter I would lust after other people’s babies and want to snuggle them and talk about how cute they were and breathe in their little baby smell. Now, I only really care about my own child and have to feign interest in other people’s babies (even babies that belong to people I really like).

        Also, Jules, my favorite way to get around being all tow faced about how (un)cute people’s babies are is to say they are precious. After all, it’s true babies are precious and you don’t even have to be cute to be precious. Admittedly, this habit made paranoid that my baby wasn’t cute the couple of times people called her precious .

        • Megan M. October 13, 2011 at 7:57 am

          Also, my hair got curly when I was pregnant and has stayed that way. It’s pretty but it’s hard to wrap your head arounf the girl with long curly blond hair when I used to be the girl with short, straight blond hair.

    • April October 13, 2011 at 6:10 pm

      I always used to think people who would coo at a stranger’s baby were strange, but then I too turned into someone who genuinely loves to smile and make faces at those same babies!

  • Stephanie October 12, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    All our friends without babies think they are too cool for us when in reality they are just missing out on the REAL fun. I haven’t had a FULL nights sleep, whether it’s because the LO wakees up or I wake up just because. I don’t know what sleeping past 7:30 feels like. If the husband and I ever need to get outta the house for a night, I have to put the LO down first then go out, but it always seems for her NOT want to go to sleep the nights we want to go out, so then we never go out. The list goes on, but it’s all for the better…right?! :)

  • Dawn October 12, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Totally agree with you about night showering. Hate it but it’s a necessity. And now when I shop, the clothes fall into two categories: A. Tops/pants that show my ta-tas/ass, and B. Those that don’t. Because having a toddler means you’re constantly bending over to hold a hand, prevent a fall or stop your kid from running the dog over with her toy stroller. Again. I miss v-neck shirts!

  • julie s. October 12, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    EVERYTHING makes me cry now, especially if it there is a baby involved in any way, shape or form. Pre-baby, babies did not make me cry. Ever.

  • Lin October 12, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    When I was 4 months pregnant my placenta separated and I had an extremely large SCH and almost bled me and my kid to death. I was in the hospital for forever and then went home to bed rest until I had him. I was in bed for almost 6 months. So my life changed dramatically when I had him because I was allowed to do things again! It was fucking awesome after I healed from my c-section I found a reason to go to Target every day for like two weeks! Also, my son is a reflux baby and I am literally covered in baby puke always. So I had to change my wardrobe to things that can be puked on and still look somewhat ok. lol.

  • Andréa October 12, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Night shower-ers unight!

    …I don’t have a baby, so lame puns will have to do. And I am already 3/4 to schwasted after one beer, so I’m concerned about my tolerance post future, not yet conceived baby.

  • StylinMom October 12, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Gosh this list is just so funny….I was just thinking about my so called “new” life today…as I was trying on platform black stilettos for my baby bros wedding that is next weekend….as I was walking(attempting) down the aisle…I looked down at little Miss D and all I could think of was thank god this little person is not going to be at the wedding…because I can barely trust my own life with these bad boys on my feet let alone trying to carry her…….so here I am torn between high fashion killer heels and more practical footwear that will keep the kid alive………ahhhh who knew………

  • Sarah October 12, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I used to talk SO MUCH shit about the wife of my work husband who once spoke highly of the hot dogs at target, speaking proudly of it, like, “mmm, I like their hot dogs!” I was always thinking, ugh your wife is a mom Jean wearing, dim witted, target hot dog eatin fool. Well, now that I am a proud mutha of a four month old…. today I sat alone eating target chicken strips while my son napped. He fell asleep while I was trying on breast feeding friendly mossimo henleys. Oh and I used three different dipping sauces with my chicken strips. Cause that’s just how hard I party these days.

  • Still the same Sarah October 12, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Oh also I am going back to work in three weeks so I am practicing leaving my kid with my mom, so I need to get out of the house to give her practice, so I go to see movies my myself, and I smuggle in vanilla vodka to spike my diet coke. At 12:35pm on like, Tuesday’s. PS – Dream House was a super good movie. Loved. LOVED!

  • Heather October 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Sorry MODG – no words of wisdom on kids as I don’t yet have any but I just wanted to say that I am glad I’m not the only one who shed tears during the Kardashian Wedding or spent 4 hours I can’t get back watching that mess.

  • Lindsey October 12, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    My world has changed in that the amount of $$$ I spend on clothes has quadrupled, because every damn place you look there are the most amazingly cute clothes for my daughter. I swear the girl gets to wear each thing only once because she has so much. I can only imagine how much more I’ll spend when she’s old enough to wear shoes.

  • Puja October 12, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    I haven’t joined the motherhood club yet, I just had to post about how amazing your graphic illustrating the difference between trendy terrorist with and without child is. Hilarious!

  • Amanda Black October 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    I’ve always enjoyed shopping for others, but now MUCH prefer to spend the moneys on my bebe instead of myself… unless it is coming to wine and cheese.

  • Abigail October 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    I am also a night showerer. It’s mostly because I want to bath alone and not have my three year old standing next to the shower having a chat. I also shower in the dark on occasion. I feel a bit creepy about it, but it’s so relaxing.

    I’m a terrible lightweight! 2 beers & I’m super mellow & witty. At least I’m not sloppy.

    My minivan, which I’m freakishly attached to.

  • Stephaniecothran October 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Well, I must say I first noticed a change in the shower shortly after my first child was born. I was sent home with a samll human to care for, and I needed to sit in the shower and cry about it. And then I saw something circling around the drain while I was sitting there. Once I realized it was my nipples, I cried some more. Since then, I have gotten more comfortable with the fact that I have to scoop my boobs into a bra. I smell clothes sometimes to see if they are dirty for real, or if they have been worn as dress up clothes by my 2 daughters. Lately, my nights consist of watching Hoarders on Netflix with the hubs and picking the fuzz/lint whatever the hell that stuff is that gathers in my 4 month old sons toe and finger cracks and sitting on the couch. Shocked that people could live amongst that much crap. And when I have to get up to pee I climb over the stack of clean clothes that I haven’t put up yet.

  • Mary October 12, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    I’m in the baby-making phase and completely terrified of all of the above. I think I have to stop reading your blog. I’m having nightmares.

    • Caels momma October 13, 2011 at 3:01 pm

      Don’t have nightmares, its better your prepared for what’s in store. And it is all so totally worth it. promise!

  • MissAndi October 12, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    I am now obsessed with pumpkin patches, babylegs (do you know these? they’re adorable), and cloth diaper washing instructions. I also now read Parenting instead of InStyle. That’s ok, one day I’ll be back to InStyle when I’m no longer breastfeeding and have normal sized boobs again. I immediately click on emails from Buy Buy Baby, while Nordie’s shoe sale emails get deleted without a second thought. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

    • April October 13, 2011 at 6:16 pm

      The biggest difference is that I have ZERO memory…and because I have no memory I read your comment and was a little afraid I had commented on the blog without remembering. I kept saying “Me too!” to everything in your response! I had to look at your name to reassure myself I didn’t already comment. P.S. Love babylegs, they’re so addicting!

  • Tamar October 12, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    I don’t wear high heels anymore :( and I am now responsible for dinner. I never though I would watch cooking shows but I do. Also my baby shit all over me in public.

  • Denise October 12, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Night showers are the only way to do it, I have been taking them ever since I was a teenager and would never take morning showers. I tried it like once and that was the end of that. Maybe there is something a little off with me, or I’m just ultra lazy in the morning.

    I am currently pregnant and I am already noticing life changes. I am obsessed with anything baby, including other babies, blogs, amazon baby, other pregnant woman, and more babies. I take all the naps I can because I know this will shortly end. Today for the first time I struggled with shaving my legs and cutting my toe nails. I envy skinny pretty girls who have a glass of wine or beer in their hand. I dread going to work every morning. I daydream about my baby, like all the time. I never used to like to read but now I read books about baby stuff. The list goes on, and I’m sure it will dramatically change once I have the baby. Oh and I spend about 50% of my time in the bathroom thanks to my constant flow of urine.

    • Samantha October 13, 2011 at 3:45 pm

      I know exactly how you feel! My first is due in a couple of weeks, and my life has already started changing! I haven’t slept through the night in who knows how long because I am getting up to go pee 20+ times each night. The other day the thought, “adult diapers really wouldn’t be that bad,” crossed my mind because it is impossible for me to get up off the couch without assistance, and the urge to pee makes it harder. I have also noticed that I have much less tolerance for people and am more likely to yell at telemarketers that just won’t take no for an answer.

  • Jessica October 12, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    My husband is intrigued by my milk spouts. He sees them more now while they are spitting out milk to our baby or to the pump.. I cringe at the thought of my knockers actually being used as anything else anymore. Also, since having my little boy, I keep referring to penis’ as “sooo cute”. I need to get out more.

  • Jules October 12, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    I have learned that I am a much more patient and kind then I ever imagined I could be. Because if a normal person who I didn’t squeeze out of my vag treated me the way my kid did, I would fuck that bitch up.

  • Nikki October 12, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    1) Makeup? What is that?
    2) I have to poop super fast (and with the door open) b/c I can’t hold it until she’s napping and if I’m not fast enough she will for sure get into something. Or come crawling into the bathroom and want to get on my lap.
    3) Can’t tell you the last time I picked up a blow dryer. No time.
    4) never.ending.laundry.
    5) 2 cups of coffee are never enough, neither are 2 glasses of wine
    Grand Finale:
    A few days ago I sat down to paint my nails. I was able to finish my left hand-only. And I’ve been going out like this. In Public. For Days. DAYS. When I see other women staring, confused-I just try to own it. Like, ‘i MEANT to do this.’ When really, I’m horrified.

  • Joni October 12, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    So my sister told me about your blog when I had my first baby four months ago. I love it, I love you, I love G. You make motherhood hilarious and that’s awesome, because sometimes it just is. Moving on.
    Some things that have changed for me.
    1. Doing my hair and makeup in 5 minutes flat. That would have NEVER happened before. Also this goes hand in hand with learning new hairstyles you can do not using a blow dryer or curling iron. I braid my wet hair at night, use those curling rods on wet hair, etc.
    2. Not ever wearing ANYTHING I care about. That is unless I’m going out or will be away from baby for a few hours. Therefore my collection of go to tees has doubled and my nice clothes are very neglected.
    3. Caffeine addiction that wasn’t there before. The end.
    4. Being able to do just about anything with a baby on my hip. Very talented over here.

  • Thereset October 12, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    1. I’m a morning person. Not by choice, but I can handle it now.
    2. I went from two drink minimum to two drink maximum.
    3. I NEVER thought I’d co sleep, but we did for the first year.
    4. I’m more paranoid than I ever thought possible.
    5. Date nights start either at 5pm or 815pm, so either way, only we put our baby to sleep.
    6. And finally, I have gone days with only one shaved leg, since my little bug wouldn’t let me get to the second one. :)

  • Krista October 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    I used to be the most antisocial person when it came to chatting with hair stylists, dentists, etc. until I became a stay-at-home-mom. Now I can’t shut up. And not just about my kids. I will talk about anything. I am so starved for normal adult interaction.

    I’m also the thinnest I’ve been since high school (due to breastfeeding and only eating when the kids are asleep because all they want to do is steal my food), and while I’m mostly okay with it that I would kill for some muscle tone. I always thought that I would be one of those moms at the gym every day dropping her kids in the nursery, but until my daughter was about 18 months she hated everyone that wasn’t me. My son is nine months and worse than she ever was – screams bloody murder at strangers.

    I wear yoga pants five out of seven days of the week. They are the best invention ever. That and Ugg slippers that have soles so you can also wear them outside. I am a slob.

  • Jilly-J's Mom October 12, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Only thing coming to mind is I now struggle trying not to pee when letting farts out (while bladder is even partially full).
    Could have something to do with pushing for 2.5 hours before getting a vaccum extraction resulting in 2nd degree tear.

  • ZDub October 12, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    All hippies night shower, but us hardcore ones only night shower like every other night. FOR THE EARTH.

    Please refer to your manual, thanks.

    • Cookie's Momster October 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm

      1) I also night shower, which I hate because I have curly hair and sleeping with a wet head sucks. I will NOT blow-dry at night so I can finish straightening at 4:30 am (when my morning routine starts-I work full-time) because sleep is just. that. precious. I look like a meth-ed out homeless Medusa when I get up in the morning. There is not enough time in my morning to shower, as my hubs leaves for work at 5am and that’s *conveniently* when the baby wakes up for the day…hmm.

      2) I want to MURDER my husband every single time he starts to snore — naptime, bedtime, Saturday afternoons, 3 am on a Tuesday…Now,God bless him, he usually gets up in the middle of the night to grab me a glass of water when Cookie is hungry, but as soon as his head hits that pillow it’s like he’s chainsawing down a forest. It takes me forever to fall back asleep in the middle of the night after nursing.

      3) I no longer have my pre-pregnancy friends. They suddenly have forgotten my phone number, email, FB, name etc. it makes me really thankful we took those Lamaze classes at the hospital so we could meet some other new parents. Turns out that we really like a few of the people we met, but I’m scared of coming on too strong and scaring them away with my friendly intensity.

      4) I use my freshly removed shirt for spit-up cloths just because they’re handy. I also can’t wait til I don’t have to wear a nursing bra while sleeping anymore (don’t get me wrong, I love bonding with my baby and nursing him, 5 months strong so far!) because I like to sleep in the nude. This will probably never happen again, will it?

      5) Pumping at work sucks, but I’m happy for the break in the day to read gossip mags and check out the fashion police.

      6) I watched ALL of the seasons of Weeds on Netflix during my maternity leave, and love to watch the horror that is Jersey Shore and Bridezillas when Cookie feeds in the wee hours of the morning (while finishing off any ice cream my husband may not have eaten). Even if my alarm clock is going to go off an hour later, even though my stretch marks have stretch marks. I’ll just be a fat mommy til I’m done having kids. When I hit my midlife crisis at 35, I’ll become a workout junkie just in time to look great for my 20th HS Reunion.

    • Cookie's Momster October 13, 2011 at 3:47 pm

      Hi, sorry. I don’t know why this posted here…

  • Venassa October 12, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    I went from sleeping about 9 hours a night to being excited when I actually have enough energy to not need to nap before lunch.
    I used to love the vodka but almost 3 weeks after having the baby out of me Im terrified to drink because it’ll take a week to ‘sleep it off’.

  • Jamie October 12, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    1. I never thought I would have to clean shit out of the tub as much as I have
    2. I never thought I would give up stopping my son from putting his fingers in my nose and then my mouth
    3. I never thought I would think 1 kid was plenty
    4. I never thought I would need to step away from my child in anger and frustration
    5. I always hated watching TV, now it is my lifeline to the outside world
    6. I have a whole new respect for my parents and letting me live through childhood!

    • Shannon October 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

      I wanted 4 before baby A came along….me and dh were just saying how perfect 1 is the other day!!! I never thought I’d get thrown up on so much and then give up changing my clothes and just smell like puke all day.

      • Jamie October 20, 2011 at 5:47 pm

        Yeah, I have a bunch of friends pregos with their second and I just keep thinking “sucka!” I too wanted 4, but not anymore!! lol

  • Beth October 12, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I started buying clothes a size larger than I use to, even though I don’t need it. Now that I’m someone’s Mommy I think to myself, “should Mommy shave form fitting outfits to show off her legs and size D boobs? (*after much contemplation) Probably not.” This is also as a result of having less time for laundry so now EVERYTHING goes into the dryer and it all shrinks a size anyway. That and I wear less heels. Sometimes I put them on for errands or meeting other Mommy’s just to “show off”.

  • Kristy October 12, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    Ahhh I can relate to so many of these, but I have to add that after the Sleep Struggle when the little guy (now 3) was about 2 or 2.5 I took up drinking for the first time ever. Turns out I love whiskey. Now that I am knocked up again, I miss it so much I’m surprised, heh. Also, at the ripe age of 27, I think I have found my first gray hairs.

    P.S. I too became a night showerer after he was born…

  • Shana October 13, 2011 at 12:07 am

    I have fab boobs. Ok, I’ve always liked my girls, they were just really on the small side before. So yeah – nice boobs. Always a plus. Makes up for (some) of the sleepless nights.

    But I’ve gone in a different direction regarding the v-neck: I just show ’em off. I need the nursing access anyway, and after all of the latch problems we went through, most of the Denver medical community has squeezed/pulled/man-handled them in some way. So I just Serena VanDerWoodsen it, and let ’em all hang out. Lace nursing bras are my friend.

    Also, I have wrinkles. This is new, and may be child-related.

    Hunh. So in summary, I am turning into a cougar. Thank you, Children.

  • Mother of another G October 13, 2011 at 12:07 am

    First time posting for me! So happy I discovered your blog MODG, love love love sneaking on at work and reading.My son is 13 months old and nothing has been the same since he came along. Well my alcohol intake is at nearly the same level again. Also:
    – When he was really little I hated randoms coming up to me and chattering away. Very creepy…
    – I get up early to shower. If he is awake or wakes up he stays in his bed until I finish… That is how we roll.
    – I have not been to the movies since I was pregnant. I used to go every fortnight.
    – I appreciate weekend shopping more. Luckily he loves being out and about and behaves himself
    – I never wear heels anymore. Flats are my frumpy friend.
    – I have discussions with my fiance about poop and when G last pooped. Also the quantity, consistency, smell…
    – I listen to and appreciate my own mother more!

    • Kay October 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

      I totally agree about appreciating your own mother. After my son was born I wanted to call her everyday to say “thank you!” I was a big emotional mess.

  • Courtney October 13, 2011 at 12:49 am

    In what ways hasn’t my life changed since being a mom 11 weeks ago?! I’ve always been really into fashion, but being that I still have lots of weight to lose and I’m only wearing easy access nursing tops, it limits my fashion options. So I’m literally wearing the same 3 Old Navy dresses over and over again and I feel like I’ve totally lost my mojo! I realize now how vain I am because I really put a lot on how I looked. The other major change is that I used to be extremely into pop culture and now I just don’t have time for it. I mean, I watch TV and read mags, but I used to blog about it and was OBSESSED with Twilight and RPattz. Now, I could almost care less. Almost. I don’t even recognize myself anymore!! *wah*

  • Lacey October 13, 2011 at 1:12 am

    The bar. I miss it. Very much. Being pregnant didn’t stop me from going (just, you know, they whole drinking part). But, now I can’t even go and not drink because they have this silly rule that no babies are allowed. Which I totally understand for other people’s babies, but find it completely unjust in regards to my baby.

    This very special bar holds a special place in my heart. Shiiiit, they even ‘sponsored’ my baby shower by donating two pony kegs and a jockey box.

    Sigh, I miss them. So very much.

    Oh, and the other thing that has changed?
    I cook dinner more often, which probably relates to the whole not going to the bar thing.

  • Emily October 13, 2011 at 1:17 am

    1. Now that I’m a SAHM I’m crafting like crazy. I’ve always been crafty and have accumulated tons of paraphernalia but now I’m actually using everything. Of course this only happens at midnight after my housework is finished and the babe is out.
    2. I had to purchase a size 16 dress just to accommodate my giant boobs for my sister’s wedding. The rest of the dress was altered to a size 10.
    3. Had to discuss getting the dress aforementioned altered to have nursing access just in case my daughter wants to have a snack during the wedding. Shot down for the “drama” factor of a bridesmaid (me) leaving the line up to nurse a flower girl (daughter).
    4. I think I’ll have a panic attack the first time I’m away from her for more than a few hours. Yup, she’s one and I’ve never been away from her longer than 3 hours. I’m a stage 5 clinger.

    • Krista October 13, 2011 at 10:31 am

      I’m not proud of this, but my daughter is 2.5 and the only time I spent the night away from her was when I was in the hospital after having my son. This is not really on purpose, but my husband is in the military and without grandparents around it’s hard to find someone who can stay the night and deal with all that drama. We are going away for the night in about two weeks and I will also then get to sleep in for the first time in close the three years. I. Can’t. Wait.

      • Emily October 18, 2011 at 1:07 am

        Krista – We’re military too so I know EXACTLY how you feel about not having family around. Plus all of the moving from place to place really limits the chance to have a stable friend base to take over. And forget about leaving my baby on base at the coop. Stranger danger still applies to other military folk. What makes it even harder is that my husband works 48 hour shifts. So forget night showering. I get to wash my hair twice a week if I’m lucky. Sigh.

  • ErinIsabel October 13, 2011 at 1:53 am

    1) My “me” time consists of parking my ass in bed with the t.v. on and whatever junk food is in the house (tonight it’s Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream AND a bottle of wine).
    2) All conversations with other people automatically begin with “How’s the baby?”. He’s great! Do you want to hear about how he was constipated today and how I had pull a hard turd out of his tiny baby ass?
    3) When I go shopping, I end up buying more things for the kid then myself.
    4) I have learned to never say never, because everything I said I’d never do I’ve done.
    5) I couldn’t care less about sex. Over share? Whatevs.

    • Lacey October 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm

      You pullled poo out of his ass?! I haven’t had to do that with Judah (as we are still exclusively breastfeeding and his poop is the consistency of butternut squash soup), but I have had to do that (as has my husband) with our pug. The problem is she eats fur (the saint’s) constantly. And then the fur strings turds together that shouldn’t be part of the same poo. Then she can’t get them all the way out and you just have to pull. It is the grossest thing ever.

      • Stacy October 18, 2011 at 10:58 pm

        OMG I am laughing my ass off right now for realz. Your poor pug! Poor you!!

  • Ashleigh October 13, 2011 at 2:05 am

    Several years ago my husband (boyfriend at the time) threw me a big birthday party with lots of margaritas, a keg of my favorite beer and a live mariachi band. This year, I went to a mexican restaurant with my husband, our two-year-old and our two-month-old. I’m having a hard time remembering my life before kids so that is the only thing I can come up with right now.

  • Camille October 13, 2011 at 2:33 am

    I’m currently writing this at 7:30 in the morning, having been woken up TWO hours ago by my darling son, AND I am drinking DECAF coffee because his little body can’t handle the full-fledged stuff and he turns into a wild hellion if I have any of it.
    I have a puke stain the size of Texas on my shoulder and also in my hair. Oh, and my husband made me change my bra in the middle of the night because it stunk of breastmilk so badly. I have one pair of jeans to wear, and am currently rotating through about 3 tops that go with it. I did throw on boots and a scarf yesterday to try and reclaim some of my fashion glory, but at this point, I think I have to surrender to the fact that I am a 23 year old mom, and my priorities are just completely different now.
    Oh, and I’ve got butt nuts for the first time in my life. Awesome.

  • Domesticated Gal October 13, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I have to drink my hot beverages out of a coffee travel mug. non-spill. and heat retaining. even when the only place i’m going is my couch.

    My lingerie no longer has lace so much as breast feeding clips and spanx.

    The music I know & love? Is now played on the oldies stations. And my current playlist is straight off of PBS.

  • Leah October 13, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Oh, man, how things have changed.
    – I no longer have cute, going-out clothes because I never go out and the ones I did have just don’t fit quite right so I got rid of them.
    – Mascara is the only make-up I wear.
    – I stopped wearing contacts because glasses help hide the under-eye circles better than concealer.
    – I, too, turned into a night showerer.
    – I went from being early for everything to being at least 10 minutes late.

  • Vanessa October 13, 2011 at 8:21 am

    We bought TWO SUVs. We admitted to ourselves while I was preg that our two small cars would not do, but thought we could get by with one. Wrong-o. Kiddo’s 6 months old and we already have two SUVs.

    I now make friends with every cool-ish mom I see. I used to be a total introvert people-hater and now if I see someone in a band t-shirt covered in spit-up, I am like, hello we are now soulmates. I’m on two mommy email lists already, no lie, and the kid and I make the rounds on the baby social scene like we’re the Hiltons of the library song-and-story hour set. This is the new mom version of in the club and the lingerie as outerwear is my nursing tank.

  • katiegalvin02 October 13, 2011 at 8:55 am

    The night showering KILLS me too, but honestly I have like one hour free a day now when the baby naps and I use it to eat a delicious lunch by myself without anyone begging for a bite. My hair is in the constant “mom ponytail”. I figure one day I will once again actually blowdry and style my hair and look presentable. It’s just not right now.

  • Capricious October 13, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Biggest change since I became a Mum… I’m scared of driving over bridges. I sit, ready to spring into action, undoing seatbelts and winding down windows just in case we plunge off the side. Cause y’know, that happens all the time right?!

    • Leah October 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

      I am so glad I’m not the only one! I drive past a lake every day and have a whole plan as to what would happen if we went in – how I’d get out of my seatbelt, get Tiny out of the carseat, etc. It panics me if I let it. And with #2 coming along, I need to rethink this plan. My hubby thinks I’m ridiculous, but I can’t help it, it just runs through my mind. I told him I need one of those car escape tools for Christmas.

      • Sara October 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm

        Holy shit me too!!! There’s a bridge in Portland that got a TWO!!! out of 100 safety rating! I have to cross it to get my hair done. No biggie. BUT BUT BUT if I have to cross that fucking bridge when my kid is in the car (lame ass mini van) I come pretty close to losing my shit!

        • Slatts October 15, 2011 at 6:11 pm

          haha I have never commented before but this was just too funny/true! my hus was driving us over the tap bridge (extra long and scary (that’s what she said)) and I was like, YOU NEED SWIMMING LESSONS! and he was like, what goes on in your head and so I explained that if the bridge gave out I couldn’t save both the baby and him because he needs to roll his eyes at me more.

  • Annalisa October 13, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Post baby I realize I wasted most of my twenties. WTF was I doing that I thought I was busy? As a SAHM I am B.U.S.Y. I’m also terrified and paranoid about kidnappers and child predators. It can consume me if I let it.

  • DoMo October 13, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Not so fun:
    I never drive at night anymore. And when I do – I’m like “WTH, I can’t see anything!”
    I used to wear cute jewelry – now I wear tiny unnoticible stuff that won’t get pulled on by the kids.
    I loved cooking dinner, not anymore. I find it near impossible to chop veggies with a baby screaming to be held.
    My garden is a disaster.

    Good things:
    I always leave work on time. No staying late b/c I have to pick up the kids. So long sukkas!
    Excuses! To go do fun stuff like the aquarium & corn mazes. To leave a boring party early. To have holidays at your own house. To spend unreasonable amounts of money on clothes for family pictures.

    • *Jen* October 14, 2011 at 12:51 am

      I feel like we are twins! I relate to everything you posted; I drove at night last week for the first time in who-knows-when and thought “WTF is wrong with my eyesight!Am I 75?”

  • Katrina October 13, 2011 at 9:01 am

    One of my favorite things is the excuse! “I am so sorry we can’t go to really boring/stupid/I don’t particularly care about what you are selling event, no baby sitter.”. It only works on people who don’t realize I’ve got grandma 7 minutes away…

  • Annalisa October 13, 2011 at 9:08 am

    ps – i also ‘hit on’ other moms for friends. like, i come home from the grocery store with phone numbers! pre-baby i would have never made friends like that.

  • Rachel Rankin October 13, 2011 at 9:13 am

    oh gah. night showerer here, bc that means i don’t have to blow dry my mammoth hair. also, sometimes i just go to bed without even BRUSHING THROUGH the wet hair.

    my other big changes is that i used to be obsessed with 20/20 and 48 hours mystery and all those documentary shows about crime, but now i have a hard time watching them if they involve children.

    my relationship with my dog has changed too.

    • Jessica October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

      If I even so much as read the synopsis of a news article regarding children being mistreated, I start to tear up. And my daughter is 7 months. I can’t even look at them.

      Also, I think my dog resents me. I’m pretty sure she’s plotting with the cats.

  • Mimi October 13, 2011 at 9:13 am

    I now look at my son in photos before I look at myself. This is HUGE personal growth! And sometimes I will even keep a photo where he looks cute but I look dumb.

  • O's milf October 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

    I now have lengthy conversations with my 7 week old that go a little something like this: “goo goo, Owen! Oooooooooo for Owen! Gooooo….you stinky little monkey!” which is good and sad all at the same time. The most action my boobs got from my husband in the few first weeks since O’s birth were of him squeezing my nips to help get the little man to latch properly. Then on the big day that we were finally able to get freaky again, I instructed the hubs to don’t even think about touching my nips bc they were so sore. Night showers defs. Ice cream for lunch. Mom jeans and toms and shirts that kind of cover up the c-section pooch are my daily uniform. Although it’s all worth it – my little man is the best.

  • Kay October 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

    I never use a purse anymore. Every once in a while when I go out without J I have to scramble in my closet to figure out what I’m supposed to carry.

    I’ve also realized that what I wear is just the canvas for what baby J has on – no one notices anything about my clothes/shoes/jewelry – just his baby Uggs or hat or whatever…

  • Stacie October 13, 2011 at 10:12 am

    1) I drink. Have just found my own way to perfect Bethenny’s Skinny Margarita using some high quality Aristocrat Tequila (ha) instead of paying her. Bar opens around here at 4:15.
    2) If I laugh too hard with a full bladder I get nervous.
    3) I am fat. My muffin top has a muffin top.
    4) For the first time in nearly 4 years I am starting to get 8 hours of sleep at night thanks to having 2 kiddos back to back. I had forgotten what a glorious thing sleepy time is.
    5) The only positive thing body wise is my skin F’ing rocks these days. I guess when God taketh away the abs/butt/and cellulite free legs he giveth gorgeous skin. Though honestly I would trade this skin back for my size 27 jeans.

  • Erica October 13, 2011 at 10:23 am

    I used to not leave the house without hair and makeup perfectly done…now? My mommy brain keeps forgetting what time the closest wine store closes is so makeup takes a back seat to wine…..
    Also poop stories were always there but gave increased dramatically
    Find myself telling the kids Because I Said So more often than I’d like to admit
    Definitely appreciate my mom more than ever….

  • Christine October 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I always thought I got along well with my mother-in-law…not the case anymore. Everything thing she does with my child drives me batshit crazy. It is like she was put on this earth to undermine my authority as a mother. Thank goodness she lives several states away. On the upside, I no longer hold back- I just tell people like it is and move on. She may hate me, but too bad. I don’t have time for other people’s nonsense anymore…unless it relates to their kid and how crazy it makes them. I live for other people’s baby horror stories, so keep em’ coming! It makes me feel like I am not alone :)

  • lcs929 October 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

    I am going to throw a physical change in here as I am just baffled by it…My belly bottom is now higher on my body post baby. My husband likes to gently remind me that me boobs are actually lower. I kindly remind him that they have fed our baby for over a year for FREE and to keep his mouth shut and marvel at my amazing belly button.

    I have also taken to drinking Prosecco, it feels fancy. $12 fancy, not $50 fancy.

  • Julialifeisart October 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Now I pretty much hate my dog, who used to be my tinybabyluvs. Now I barely tolerate my husband, who used to be the center of my universe. I can’t night shower because I get night sweats thanks to BF hormones, but I can’t morning shower because baby will cry and break my mama heart, so… yeah, showering is not happening as often as it should.

  • Krista October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I already commented, but thought of a few more:
    1. I sit on the floor pretty much all day.
    2. I will run any errand just to get out of the house by myself and listen to what I want in the car – Howard Stern.
    3. My car is littered with crumbs from cheerios, animal crackers, graham crackers, etc. It is gross, but my car is the last thing I’m wasting time cleaning.
    4. I used to love eating out every weekend and now I hate going to restaurants with kids. My husband and I just take turns shoving food in our faces and keeping the kids occupied.
    5. I am super judgmental of other moms…but *usually* keep my opinions to myself.

    • SARA T. October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

      Woot Woot… Howard Stern!

  • Cori October 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

    As a mom of a 4 month old, I can relate to about all the comments! So fun to read that about everyone agrees that daily showers are a luxury- not a necessity. I feel like college all over again- waking up and going around town with my pj’s on but instead of alcohol in my hair from the night before it’s spit up. Hot.

  • SARA T. October 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Going to the bathroom is now considered “me” time. Even if I don’t have to take a crap, I linger. Read a magazine, close my eyes, I’ve even taken the iPad or my phone in to check FB, check Twitter, read MODG… until my 3 year old starts trying to pick the lock with her Princess tiara because “Mommyyyyyyyyy, you are taking tooooooo long!!!!!!”. True story… happened yesterday.

    • Krista October 13, 2011 at 11:22 am

      Sometimes I tell my husband that I need to poop (when I don’t) and then bring the ipad to our bathroom upstairs and hang out for awhile.

      • Katie October 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

        Yeah, I did that last night! It’s my safe place.

      • melissa October 13, 2011 at 6:52 pm

        Ha, I do this without a baby when I think my husband is being too needy.

  • Jessica October 13, 2011 at 11:15 am

    I miss my maternity jeans, and am seriously considering buying (“investing”) in a pair of pajama jeans. So as not to stretchy pants (is for fun) all the time.

    I cannot sneeze without fear of wetting myself. And by sneeze, I mean cough, laugh too hard, hiccup…

    I sleep lighter than I did before. If the cats even so much as yawn, I’m awake. Locking them out of my bedroom.

    And beer. Beer is good. Ensures that I stick to my 9:30 bedtime.

    • Jessica October 13, 2011 at 11:16 am

      Oh crap…mommy brain.
      Can’t even complete sentences anymore

      *Wear…I wear stretchy pants all the time…

  • Amber October 13, 2011 at 11:19 am

    I drink more! So much wine!
    I cannot function without sleep. I mean, I used to be GOOD at sleep deprivation. I ROCKED sleep deprivation. Now I crave early bedtime and the ability to wake up on my own, naturally, without my 5-year-old climbing into bed at 6 in the morning to tell me she wants to go outside and catch lizards.
    Pee. There is so much pee to clean, thanks to my youngest kiddo’s inability to go potty when it’s time to potty already.
    So. Tired.

    (There’s good stuff, too, but nobody wants to hear that, right? Right.)

  • Cyn October 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

    1. Poop. It is the center of my life. If my son is pooping. If he isn’t. How big. How often…. who knew poop was so important?

    2. Snot. I used to think mom’s were gross. Because they would do things like use their BARE HANDS to wipe snot off of their son’s face. But now, I do that. Because I don’t have a tissue. And I don’t want to wipe it on MY shirt. And I don’t want to wipe it on HIS shirt. So I use my hand and then kind of wipe my hand on the leg/butt of my jeans. Because if I can’t see the snot on my clothes… it must not be there… amiright?

    3. I used to talk about celebrities like I knew them. Ashton & Demi, Brad and Angelina, Jenn, Ryan Reynolds (aka the man of my (sex) dreams)… they were my friends. And now, the celebrities I talk about are Mickey, Minnie, WALL-E, the Toy Story gang…. I mean they’re cool and all because they get my son to sit still for a little while… but they’re not all glittery unicorn farts awesome like my old “gang” was.

    4. I go long distance running just so I can listen to normal music and not some kiddie BS. By long distance, I mean MILES, because it’s the only quiet me time my son will let me have. And I love it. I think I’m going to get myself a T-shirt that says: “Mama half-marathoner…. 13.1 miles of peace and quiet.” Because it is SOOOO TRUE.

    • Krista October 13, 2011 at 11:39 am

      I would buy that t-shirt. I ran my first post-kids one in June and almost didn’t want it to end just so that I could hang out in my own head for a little while longer.

  • Renee October 13, 2011 at 11:48 am

    1. I actually leave the house WITHOUT makeup now, more often than I’m comfortable admitting. This NEVER would’ve happened before becoming a mom.
    2. Going to the grocery store is an exciting way to break up my routine and get out of the house….really? Also, I use having a kid, as an excuse to talk to myself ( I mean her ) in the store, like “Where is that cereal we like? Hmmmmmmm?” ….*in a really high pitch voice*
    3. I wear no low cut shirts whatsoever anymore, due to my LO’s hands always pulling on me, on that note, I also have no boobs anymore. People always talk about getting bigger boobs from nursing and no one ever warns you that once you’re done, it’s possible to GO DOWN 2 CUP SIZES…Not a fan of my side prof anymore. The girls @ V.S. reassured me that this happens to a lot of women, but why didn’t I know this was even possible? I’m not just talking saggy either.

    I feel like EVERY part of my life has changed really. Being a mom is SUCH an adjustment, but by far, the best part of life and I’m so excited to be one for the rest of my life :)

    • Christine October 13, 2011 at 1:52 pm

      People warned me about the shrinking boobs, but I did not believe them. I must have been in denial. It’s like my son drained all the tissue out of my boobs along with the milk. Now they just feel like sacks of skin. Fun.

    • Michelle G. October 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

      These are fabulous and I agree with all of them!

  • Kate October 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    1. I can cry for no obvious reason, whereas before I could be ice-cold about that. I didn’t even cry when I got married, now I cry because my son learned to bang two toys toghether in his fat little hands, or something bad happened to a complete stranger.

    2. Sitting in bed flossing my teeth watching Letterman feels like a luxury; my break after a long day of all things baby all the time.

    3. I super duper appreciate being checked out or flirted with. After not having a manicure or haircut in months, and a stomach full of stretch marks, I love feeling just a bit attractive to someone other than my husband, who basically has to pretend he thinks I’m hot, even in purple sweatpants.

    4. Every place that isn’t within 5 miles of my house seems too far now. Pre-baby I would drive 30 miles to go to Pinkberry on a whim, now 10 miles means loading the diaper bag, carseat, extra water for me, making sure I’m wearing a shirt that gives my boobs easy acess, onandonandonandon.

    5. I count my days by naps. Such as “I can paint that shelf during the morning nap, clean that up in at the afternoon nap”, instead of just doing whatever I want without thinking about it much.

  • Katie October 13, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    I go into my bosses office three times a day, unbutton my blouse, release the girls *SNAP* *SNAP*, and DON’T leave with a promotion. I, instead, leave with the next day’s bottles.
    I’m also wearing the exact same mismatched pair of socks that I put on in the dark yesterday morning. I didn’t put them back on this morning, they never came off. Now THAT’S hippie.

  • Sara October 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    I’m sure I’m not the first to say this but: I haven’t taken a shit by myself in two years. Since he’s two years old now he likes to ask questions. Oh and explain to the checker at grocery store that mom has diarrhea. sweet. Thanks you little asshole.

  • Cassy October 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    1. I never thought I would be a big stroller user. I thought I’d baby wear more while out and about and then as soon as my kid could walk, he could use the exercise. Turns out I like my own exercise, and toddlers are slow and can’t walk very far. Who knew? Yeah, I’ve got 5 strollers now.
    2. I inwardly think of parents with fewer kids (I have 3) as amateurs and parents with more (than 3) kids pros. I’m honest: MODG you are totally included and lumped in with the amateurs. Just wondering when that pacifier thing is going to blow up in your face.
    3. Though I’m the youngest of my college friends, they all ask me parenting questions. Again, they are all amateurs or hopefuls.
    4. Married to the oldest of 5 siblings with an age stretch of 12 years, and none of the youngers have kids yet (1 is still in high school and 2 are in college) we feel especially old, because we have kids.
    5. Having a snot smear across my boob when I start my work day is not unusual.
    6. I’m really quick with a puke bucket.
    7. Phrases I never thought I’d say this much but are in my daily vocabulary: “quit playing with your penis” “get your finger out of your nose” “do you have to go to the bathroom or are you just playing with it again?” “quit grabbing your crotch” “what did I just say?” “LISTEN!”

  • Michelle G. October 13, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    I have a two year old and twin 14 week olds – all boys. When all three are crying at once my eyes cross involuntarily – true story, my husband pointed it out to me. I think it’s because I can’t bring myself to roll my eyes at my babies quite yet.

    Also I became fascinated with reruns of John and Kate Plus 8 – I think because it gives me a sense of comfort that someone has more babies then me.

    P.S. I was glad you mentioned night showers because I have to do that now and it made me feel strange but this post makes it better somehow.

  • Cookie's Momster October 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    MODG and ZDubs, I love you both with a firey passion. You are both hilarious!

    1) I also night shower, which I hate because I have curly hair and sleeping with a wet head sucks. I will NOT blow-dry at night so I can finish straightening at 4:30 am (when my morning routine starts-I work full-time) because sleep is just. that. precious. I look like a meth-ed out homeless Medusa when I get up in the morning. There is not enough time in my morning to shower, as my hubs leaves for work at 5am and that’s *conveniently* when the baby wakes up for the day…hmm.

    2) I want to MURDER my husband every single time he starts to snore — naptime, bedtime, Saturday afternoons, 3 am on a Tuesday…Now,God bless him, he usually gets up in the middle of the night to grab me a glass of water when Cookie is hungry, but as soon as his head hits that pillow it’s like he’s chainsawing down a forest. It takes me forever to fall back asleep in the middle of the night after nursing.

    3) I no longer have my pre-pregnancy friends. They suddenly have forgotten my phone number, email, FB, name etc. It makes me really thankful we took those Lamaze classes at the hospital so we could meet some other new parents. Turns out that we really like a few of the people we met, but I’m scared of coming on too strong and scaring them away with my friendly intensity.

    4) I use my freshly removed shirt for spit-up cloths just because they’re handy. I also can’t wait til I don’t have to wear a nursing bra while sleeping anymore (don’t get me wrong, I love bonding with my baby and nursing him–5 months strong so far!) because I like to sleep in the nude. This will probably never happen again, will it?

    5) Pumping at work sucks, but I’m happy for the break in the day to read gossip mags and check out the fashion police.

    6) I watched ALL of the seasons of Weeds on Netflix during my maternity leave, and love to watch the horror that is Jersey Shore and Bridezillas when Cookie feeds in the wee hours of the morning (while finishing off any ice cream my husband may not have eaten). Even if my alarm clock is going to go off an hour later, even though my stretch marks have stretch marks. I’ll just be a fat mommy til I’m done having kids. When I hit my midlife crisis at 35, I’ll become a workout junkie just in time to look great for my 20th HS Reunion.

    • Esther October 14, 2011 at 3:38 pm

      ok I am sincerely asking bc I am 8 months pregnant and know nothing of these things yet – why does one have to sleep in a nursing bra?

      • Lacey October 15, 2011 at 3:22 am

        1. You leak everywhere and you need the bra to hold your nipple pads in place
        2. They are sore as shit because they are all engorged at night and need some extra support.

        • Cookie's Momster October 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm

          It also deters the hubs from touching them.

  • jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown October 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I had perfectly fine boobs before EB came. Then once she decided she was done breast-feeding, my boobs deflated. They’re like ziplock bags 30% full of water. I can’t wear any of the cute bras I got at my bachelorette party or during any of the years inbetween. I had to get smaller, PADDED, bras that aren’t as cute for my boobs that aren’t as cute.

  • Nina October 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    A world of “poop smells that pretty much live inside your nose”- who knew I’d spend so much time talking about poop? My squeamish friends need to learn to live with it.

  • Kim October 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    This is fun! Ways my life has changed since kids:

    1. Movies and TV shows where kids get hurt/sick/dead tear me up. I find them emotionally manipulative. F-you, “Gone Baby Gone.”
    2. I once left a spilled hot chocolate on the backseat of my car forever. For awhile it was sticky, but now it’s just sort of dusty. Oh well. I don’t sit back there.
    3. Hangovers suck 1000% times worse now.
    4. Topics I used to find VERY boring are somewhat interesting now. (Tiger Mother, anyone?)
    5. I am stunned by the similarities between my three-year-old and my boss. Stunned. I find myself talking to them in the same calm and patient tone.

  • Casey October 13, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    I am now a morning person. Now exactly by choice, obvi, but I actually don’t mind getting up at 7am and I actually don’t mind going to bed at 11pm. Casey of the past is pretty much laughing in my face right now.

  • Ashley October 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    I agree with ALL of these. Right down to removing Kendra from the DVR. Also:

    1. Waking up at 4:30am for the day is no biggie. And if I wake up after 6am, I first check to see if the baby is breathing, and then rush around because, hello!! I have lost half of my day!
    2. I licked my thumb and wiped snot of of his face today. In front of people. Add that to the list of things I said I’d never do.
    3. I drink a lot more wine. And I have a lower tolerance, which makes for some really shitty 4:30 am wake ups!
    4. I have discussed everything from water breaking, to poop with my co-workers. including one-on-one talks with male co-workers.

  • Sarah October 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    I watch a soap opera. And tell my husband about the characters daily as if, A) he cares or B) they are my besties. The story lines are ridic and the actors/actresses are freakin hilarious. But the 1 o’clock hour does need some entertainment in this hood. XO

  • Ryan October 13, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    The currency in our household has changed post-baby. We used to be able to bribe each other to take out the trash, do laundry or whatever with sex and alcohol (or both).

    Now, after having a baby, sleep is the currency. We’ll both do about anything to be able to sleep in or to not get up at night.

  • Sarah October 13, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    dry-clean only clothes became victim of my son, if it can’t go in the washer/dryer it can’t go on me…..buh-bye cashmere, I’ll catch ya in 18 years (I seriously hope it doesn’t take him that long to not shat himself)

  • Lauren October 13, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    I used to be cute and put together. My personal hygiene has since gone to the shitter. On the way to my first mommy group, I realized I never brushed my teeth. When I got there I searched the hostesses bathroom for toothpaste to brush my teeth with my finger. I disgust myself at least once a day.

  • Jenifer October 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    I’m not as maternal as I thought I would be … BUT when I babysit the three-month-old next door and he cries my boobs get that weird let-down feeling even though it’s been six years since I nursed. And my boobs are drier than the Sahara in a drought. WTF is that shit??

  • koreen October 13, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    I’ve become gluten-intolerant.

  • ashlie October 13, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    I’ve also joined the night-showering club, even though it feels super weird. I was just telling a non-baby friend how I was showering the other night at 1:00 a.m. and she thought I was totally crazy. I would much rather spend the time doing it at night than trying to get it figured out in the morning though.

  • Jeanne October 14, 2011 at 3:00 am

    I now have puke standards for leaving the house with vomit caked shirts.

    Some days I look homeless.

    I think the biggest change was actually looking back at my pre baby days and realizing how fuckin lazy I was. Gosh, now with three kids under three I am way more productive in my home business than when I had zero kids? On the flip side, I get very little sleep and the black circles under my eyes could get me mistaken for a baseball plater.

    I actually own six stroller and I want to kick my own ass.

  • Erin October 14, 2011 at 8:26 am

    my poop smells different!

    nice right?

    it started when i was pregnant and i blamed it on the pre-natal vitamins.. my daughter is almost 1 (10/17/11), i have been off the vitamins for nearly 8 months and its never gone back to that old familiar smell, you know how you can recognize your own brand?

    im going to the ass dr. next week to see wtf is up (not really the ass dr, the GI dr but hes making me get a colonoscopy so i refer to him as the ass dr.)

  • Alex October 14, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Haha things that have changed…

    Here goes:

    1. My relationship with my bf/babydaddy. He left me. That’s prob the biggest one. And the suckiest.
    2. Sleep? Who does that?! I’m a vampire now.
    3. When I do fall asleep, it’s like at 9pm. Even when I get the rare chance to go out, I can’t make it past happy hour.
    4. I don’t wear heels anymore, it’s flats central for me. Idk how Victoria Beckham does it.
    5. I want to drink a lot more now…
    6. My body. Sads.
    7. When I have a day to relax (which is nearly never) instead of going out and doing something fun and taking advantage of the fact that my adorable little appendage isn’t with me, I sleep. ALL DAY. Or clean…I’m only 24. This is depressing.

  • Kelly October 14, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    1. I sold all my sexy lingerie on eBay and used the money to buy cute clothes for the kids
    2. Recently at a baby store they offered me classes on changing diapers on squirmy babies. I laughed. Hello! I can change diapers and entire outfits on a two year old running away from me, I think I can handle a squirmy baby.
    3. I used to have a clean (mostly) house. Now I’m delighted when there is a room that I can walk thru without tripping on toys/shoes/etc.
    4. Heels?? yeah, right.
    5. Make up = sunscreen + lip balm
    6. Restaurant decisions are often made based on what toys they are featuring with their kid’s meals. Or which restaurant has “kid’s eat free” night.
    7. I frequent consignment shops and am thrilled by a great find. A double stroller for $17? Yes I did
    8. I recently went to a used book store and traded in all my philosophy books for Eric Carle & Magic Treehouse.

  • Hillary October 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    1. I get choked up at anything remotely sad having to do with a kid. Or an animal. Or a veteran. Or anything with a pulse.
    2. I used to only get up before 6 am when my husband was forcing me to football tailgates and I would sleep in the car on the way there. Now I’m up every morning before 6, then I go to work for a full day, come home to make dinner and play with my baby and then have a couple hours after he’s down for bed where I stare mindlessly at the TV. And somehow I still manage to function the next day.
    3. I had a drool coated monkey hanging on my purse for several days.
    4. I have to put my jewelry in my pockets until after I drop G at daycare and then put it on before work. Otherwise he will rip my earrings out of my ears.
    5. I talk about poop. A lot.

    • Hillary October 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm

      Oh yeah, and I can’t remember ANYTHING if I don’t write it down. And even then it’s hit or miss.

  • Jen October 15, 2011 at 5:06 am

    YES! I never thought in a million years I’d be a night shower-er!!! I miss those morning shower days because they would help me wake up, but since I had my baby, morning showers just never seemed to materialize. So night showers it is! Oh well, at least it keeps my sheets clean longer.

  • Krista October 15, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    I was just reminded of another thing that has changed (reminded because I did it again). Since having kids I have, on several occasions, put my underwear on inside out. This isn’t a big deal, but I never did it before.

  • Alison October 16, 2011 at 12:22 am

    1. Recently I wore my pants backwards in public. How does that happen? Oh, wait, normals aren’t still wearing their maternity jeans a month and a half later?
    2. My boobs rule my life. We went to a Rangers game last week, and the husband forgot the part of my pump that hooks up to my milk jugs. Cue me crying from pain in the bathroom during the 2nd inning hand expressing into a used beer cup. Classy.

    So, I guess, basically what’s different, is I have no dignity left?

  • Laura October 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    I haven’t listened to normal music in 19 months. i hear elmo’s world and yo gabba gabba in my brain for at least 20 minutes every night when i try to fall back asleep after my daughter has woken me up for the 3rd time. i think one of my clients summed it up best yesterday when talking about her 5 month old grandson: “i feel for you guys (new mother’s). it’s hard being a mom. you like have to be happy all the time around the baby. and like smile. it’s exhausting”. EFF YEAH IT IS.

  • Amanda October 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    A shower at 4 am feels like a luxurious spa treatment, I’m more interested in parenting magazines than fashion magazines, I don’t care if I get puked on and I think everyone’s seen my boobs!

  • Ruby October 16, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    THIS IS AMAZING. Being a super-young-young mum (i.e. still a teenager, oh the shame!), I will get to school in an attempt to be looking sleek and with it only to realized I have peanut butter on my shoulder, weet bix in my hair, a used tissue stuck to my shoe and a (NON USED) nappy will fall out of my bag – whatever! I will NOT however succumb to baby talk EVER, if it doesn’t happen in the home then it won’t happen in public – right?

  • Marie October 17, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Well, I have to say 13 years into it I noticed that once the kids got into school there was a make up session of local mom’s partying, drinking and making up for lost time. Then we discovered that having kids in school and all the fundraising, volunteering, e-mails, meetings, sports and stuff makes us even more busy than when they were toddlers. Sigh……my pet peeve is new mom’s that don’t pay their dues. These are ones, I kid you not, who take toddlers to R rated movies, their babies into bars or work out on elliptical machines with infants strapped to them (saw this last Friday!) The upside to having a teenager-no more babysitters!

    • Camille October 17, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      Someone was WORKING OUT with a baby strapped to them???
      Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!

      I’m a new (and young) mom, but seriously, life changed once the baby got here. He goes to bed at 7pm, and we don’t go out. We have friends that take their baby out anywhere and everywhere, and it pissed my husband and I off. How selfish are you, to realize that YOU HAVE A CHILD NOW? Life is no longer about you?

      Dang. Sorry for the rant. I just can’t get over the mental image of the strapped on infant.
      Freaking people.

  • Jenalee October 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    My hair falls out, I eat cheerios and baby food, and I fall asleep if I drink more than one beer. So lame.

  • Rochelle October 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I don’t have a baby yet but I am definitely freaked out! I think the next post should be all the AMAZING things about having a baby (or babies)!

  • kristinleigh October 19, 2011 at 3:20 am

    -I totally shower at night now and probably every 2 or 3 days. No joke. I am dredding my leg hair right now…so hippy.
    -I dream of putting ground up glass in the dog’s food every time she barks and wakes up my 5 month old.
    -I spend a LOT of time naked now. I see no point in clothes when I can help it. Easier to clean skin.
    -I am eating ice cream in bed writing this at midnight listening to the husband AND the dog snore. Kill kill kill.
    -I lost all of my friends who prefer the bar to me and I don’t blame them.
    -I just found out who Yo Gabba Gabba is. I’m scared of them.

  • Abby October 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    I think of life in 3 hour increments, how much I can get done before I need to feed my daughter.
    I realized I hate Goodnight Moon. There is no point. (I think I’m alone on this one.)
    I am always damp, from spit-up, vomit, pee, milk…you name it.
    Moms and daughters together, moms dying, daughters dying—tears, tears, tears.
    I became a night shower-er, if I get to that.

  • Lola October 20, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Oh there are have so many things that have changed since I had my twins that are now 3 years old.

    -I’ve aged like 10 years since giving birth. I used to never be carded and now I keep getting called “ma’am.”
    -Forgot having any type of hairstyle. My hairstyle consists of low ponytail or half ponytail where I forget to pull the end through so it looks like a frazzled bun. And the grays!
    -I used to love dressing up and had the nicest clothes. I buy only cargos pants because there are multiple pockets that I can store anything from toys, snacks, keys, wallet, etc. I’m lucky if any of my shirts don’t have some sort of stain and they are just plain Old Navy tshirts.
    – Freaking toys everywhere! Two means twice the fun and can’t tell you the number of sharp toys I have stepped on in the night, stubbed by toes trying to miss the minefield of toys scattered. Not to mention when crawling into bed the number of trains, trucks, etc I find in my back.
    -I used to have a nice flat belly. No more…muffin top is all I have. So I add to it buy eating more muffins or whaterver junk food I can find just so I have some food while trying to keep up with two very active 3 year olds.
    -Never thought I would give myself a timeout when the kids are just fighting, screaming and I just can’t deal anymore.
    Yes, drinking whatever I can find – whiskey, wine, vodka mixed with whatever fruit juice we have.

  • Abby October 22, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Fisher Price commercials make me cry. It’s that damn song.

    • Abby October 22, 2011 at 11:36 am

      I also spend 1/2 of my day in pajamas now, then change to workout clothes around noon.

  • Chantelle October 22, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    Everything has changed, but I can’t say the same for my husband!
    I wake to every movement whimper cough cry my baby makes…
    My husband, doesn’t hear a thing!
    I have been pee’d on, barfed on, pooped on (Daily)
    I basically smell all the time…
    My husband he smells good.
    My body isn’t (mine) anymore, and will never look the same.
    My husband, hasn’t changed :)
    I shower at night for 5 minutes
    My husband showers in the morning for over a half hour. :(
    Crying is (my) norm,
    My husband thinks Im crazy!
    I hate comments, on how to take care of MY baby.
    My husband could care less.
    I have zero free time
    My husband, has more then I do.
    I often have to hold my pee.
    My husband can’t wait or doesn’t wait.
    Tired seems to be the word of the day(s)
    My husband sleeps like a bear!

    …… But it has all been worth it, when my baby smiles at me.
    Looks at me, falls asleep on me, or cries for me!!

  • Janina October 30, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    sadly, i am just as lame NOW as i was 7 years ago before i had a baby. only now i have stretch marks.