We’re about to share some intimate moments together. We as in, you, me and my post pregnant body. I’m comfortable with this because we share a strong bond. And it’s like *just* me and you, so I feel like that’s sort of private. But here are the rules:
In exchange for my total honesty about the jeans we discussed and how to accurately stuff your fat into them, you will not comment in any of the following ways:
1) You are so fat now.
2) You are so skinny so stop complaining.
3) You are not really Asian.
When I gave birth to G I also gave birth to hips, thighs and a belly. I’m not complaining (totally complaining) but this is sort of new for me so I’m figuring out AND I NEED YOUR SUPPORT SO LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT. Those are the only rules. If we can follow them, we can continue with our intimate relationship and move on to 3rd base. But things are going to have to stop there because in addition to the 3 bottles of table wine I bought today, I also bought this:
Which is another reason why you will follow my rules and you will not F with me. TRUST when I say this is your warning.
Ok, jeans. Jeans are such a whore ass bitch. Who came up with the idea that we should all wear stiff, fat pinching diarrhea causing pants like EVERY DAY? That person should be sent to jail. But whatever, it is our reality. So I’m reviewing 3 of the high waisties we discussed in our last jeans post.
I had these hemmed for flats. Mistake. I think it’s in the law books of life that high waisted wide legged pants just CAN’T be worn with flats. It’s like trying to reason with B to just use the damn GPS to get us home….it just CAN’T happen and if it does, it’s ugly.
So I *thought* I could get a reasonably low wedge to make it work.
The only thing worse than a wide leg with flats is a too short hem. BAD.
So this was a pretty big fail. However I will say, with the right hem and the right heel, these could be cute.
7’s Ginger (which I owned pre pregnancy)
These jeans are a pain in my ass. If you’re into ironing jeans, these are for you. The rise is good but they are as lightweight as a GD khaki. And I don’t wear khaki’s because I don’t iron and I don’t work at a Denny’s. These are hemmed for heels but as you can see are still too short. However with these, I don’t care. I’ll still wear them with the damn wedge because I’m running out of options.
I haven’t cleaned my mirror since 1998 so although my vagina does look haunted, I promise it’s probably toothpaste spit. Ok here’s the deal with these. I would NEVER wear them with a shirt tucked in or even a short shirt. But BUT BUT, if you think of them like super control top leggings with a tunic or long sweater, they have good potential. Let me explain
These bad boys come up HIGH and they really suck you in. Downside: I may have gotten diarrhea from the amount of suck in at the end of a long day. BUT I DON’T CARE.
Please look at this before and after:
Again, not like I’m wearing this sort of thing. I’m not interested in this look. But I want you to see what these sort of jeans can do for a womanly wombat vagina hat.
So for now, worn in the correct way. These are the winners.
However, I still have high hopes for these, which are STILL on GD backorder. They better be worth it.
Now a few housekeeping items.
I realized too late that you wanted to probably see the wedges I bought. I followed all of your advice and got the TOM’s. They are comfortable but not THAT comfortable. The peep is inappropriate for winter and they sort of cut my big toe into lunchmeat.
But I still kind of like them. And oh, I mentioned that I remembered to show you these too late. This is what I meant by that:
And I bet the extra stalky few of you notice a few things different with my toilet. No? Get a closer look:
Every trashcan in our house now lives on an elevated surface. G eats trash, tissues, toilet paper, toilet paper holders, random white caps on things and thinks flushing the toilet is a super power.
And there we have it folks. Dressing the post preg body in jeans is the bitchiest bitch in the whole sorority. And that’s bitchy. But this is a work in progress.
And those tampons? They won’t be here for long. this is on the way.
Which will not be modeled on the toilet. Hippie vaginas unite.
Screw you jeans. I need a cocktail.
PS. Now that we’re intimate with all of my lady parts, I’m open to jean recommendations. If you STILL think there is a pair I need to try, let me know.