Cover up that ham wallet and call it fashion.

I wanted to make a confession. I’m offended by some specific mom over exposure. I just don’t understand. It’s perfectly easy to cover it up and it’s disrespectful to my eyes to show it.

HELLO FUPA.

I honestly wish there was a better word for it. But no one has made one yet. I’ll develop a few throughout this post and we’ll see what sticks.

How do I know about this offensive chunk of flesh? Because I’m a proud owner. I’m no different than any other baby container. And c-section moms have it the worst. When they cut into your blubber parts to get the baby out, stuff just doesn’t go back where it should so easily. Then you get sad about it and then you eat a chicken nugget to feel better with a side of 20 pixie sticks and your softies grow friends and then the relationship gets serious and you have love handles.

DEATH.

But here’s what I’m saying people: we can fix it. And while we’re saving up for surgery to do so: we can cover it up. And here’s why it’s amazing to be a mom in 2011:

MOM PANTS ARE NOW CALLED HIGH WAISTED JEANS. And they are cool and they are sold at fancies like Neimans.

Um, sure women can vote and be CEO’s and laser off their mustaches, but THIS my friends, THIS is why it’s amazing to be a woman in 2011. We can tuck our vagina hats into jeans and call it fashion. Can you even imagine what it was like in 1999 when you had to wear jeans down to your ass crack? I would seriously be screwed. But not now world. Now, I’m fashionable.

I’m obsessed with this blog, which has led me out of the dark places in my closet and into the rainbows of skinny land.

So here’s the deal. I’m working to acquire as many high waisted jeans as womanly possible to complete my fall wardrobe. But here’s the catch. You knew there would be a catch. High waisted jeans look best with a chunky heel or a wedge. This screws up my hippie casual lifestyle. I’ve seriously been enjoying my FUGGS and Sperry’s (2009 MODG can’t believe she just said that). But this my friends, is a sacrifice I’m willing to make. And you should too. I don’t know how long we’ll be lucky enough where the world will allow us to tuck in our coochie carriages and still be Vanessa Nick Lachey Face. So we need to act now.

Here are the jeans that I have so far. I will be wearing, hemming, and reviewing them for you in the upcoming month so we can all tuck in our cinnabuns together.

Gap’s mid-weight high rise trouser

Despite it’s high rise claim, I wish it had a little extra height for those of us whose lady bits flow in abundance above the shore line. Yeah…I don’t know. I’m running out of things here.

7 For All Mankind Women’s Ginger Trouser in Lightweight Mercer

I bought these pre-pregnancy and they still do the job. I wish they were a little heavier, but apparently lightweight refers to the fabric and not it’s ability to shoot mind erasers. FYI. But their potential to stuff flesh is phenomenal. That’s what she said.

Silence and Noise High Rise Flare Jean

So I don’t actually own these yet. They are on full out backorder, which means bitches across America are stuffing their battle buns in these bad boys. I love that they aren’t a super wide leg but still have the potential for making me look skinny. I will report back.

BDG High Rise Grazer Cigarette

The ladies of the USA are digging the fleshy fat fabrics so much that we’re getting into high waisted skinnies. Now this has potential for danger. I ordered these in black and denim because I wanted denim but they didn’t have my size. 2 colors, 2 sizes, one will be returned. I don’t have these yet either but I’m short so I like the length and this means I can tuck jeans into my boots and still have my woman wombat covered up. I’ll report back.

 

Here’s where you come in. Are there a pair of high waisties that you are coveting but are afraid to buy? Tell me what they are and I’ll see if I can get the company to send them to me so I can review them. Do you see how you are helping me get free jeans? You’re smart and charitable. I knew I liked you.

And hopefully then, and only then I will own ALL OF THE HIGH WAISTED MOM NON MOM JEANS IN THE WORLD.

Now let’s all bow our heads and be thankful that we as women live in a time of acceptance, freedom and the right to fashionably cover our bob cabobs.

To review:

Tell me what term we’re using to replace FUPA

Tell me what high waisted jeans you want

And when I get the ones I’m due and possibly some freebo’s I’ll put them all on my softies and model them on the toilet. You know you missed that bitch.

For bonus points, find me a comfortable wedge shoe

xoxo

MODG

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POSTED IN: Drunk Stuff,Mom Stuff,Stuff I like,Style

{ 141 comments }

Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) September 20, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I kinda don’t know what a FUPA is. *blush*

Rachel C September 20, 2011 at 10:21 pm

F=fat
U=upper
P=pussy
A=area

I felt dirty just typing that out.

MommaRa September 20, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Front Upper Pussy Area. Your welcome. I just spelled pussy on the interwebs. ;)

Bek September 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I don’t know what FUPA is either?!
I only buy jeans from Jeans West, can’t afford any of this fancy non-mum high waisted stuff!
But I’m in Aus so maybe things are different here..

Lindsey B September 20, 2011 at 9:05 pm

GUNT. where the GUT and the bad c-word meet.

julie s. September 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm

That’s what I’ve always called it…I’m not sure if it’s any better than FUPA, though.

KB September 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Dying over GUNT!!! Perfect!

MODG September 20, 2011 at 9:43 pm

GUNT FOR THE WIN.

Lindsey B September 20, 2011 at 9:55 pm

yesss. GUNT mug in the making?? ha ha

Venassa September 21, 2011 at 12:10 am

Yup, where I’m from we call it gunt too. Such a great word.

Katie September 21, 2011 at 5:08 am

And now I can never again look in the eye of the woman in my office whose last name is Gunt.

julie s. September 22, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Shut the front door! What a horrible name!!

Marjorie September 21, 2011 at 10:53 am

Oh man, I am dying here! I thought Woman Wombat and Coochie Carriage were good, but GUNT! Soooo funny! I’ve definitely never heard that one before.

SER September 21, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Yep – Gunt. At work we all call it a gunt for women and a dickdo for men. (Your fat ass belly sticks out further than your dick do.)

Suzy September 20, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Killer wedges – super duper comfy and bonus, they’re on sale…
http://www.zappos.com/cole-haan-air-delfina-back-zip

I bought a pair of mid rise gray jeans from Gap, they’re the super lightweight skinny boot jeans, they absolutely rock.

Lindsay Joslyn September 21, 2011 at 8:09 am

Love the wedges you found!

JJ September 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm

$118 is the sale price???? Holy shit balls I must be ghetto. :)

lauren September 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm

ditto- ghetto here, too apparently :)

julie s. September 20, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I vote for “bob cabob” which made me laugh, even though I don’t really get it.
I have to vote for the Gap or UO jeans (I’d probably vote for the 7′s if I could ever afford a pair…maybe I need to just shut up and buy a pair and pretend they only cost $40).
hmm…comfortable wedges…I have a pair of shiny black peep toes from Kohl’s that are Chaps (by Ralph Lauren?) brand, I think…I dig those.

Kehoe September 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Fat Upper Pussy Area.

I’m all for vagina hat.

Cara September 20, 2011 at 9:11 pm

I’m partial to vagina hat.

ZDub September 20, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I am so over the high raise flare. I just ordered like three pairs. The trick is not too buy them too big because they will accent your fat and make you look four months pregnant.

I am pairing mine with these: http://www.zappos.com/product/7859177/color/11

And do not order the ones from Old Navy, they are freaking bell bottoms. I have to draw the hippie line somewhere. These are my favorites: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/rivet-blues-mia-flare-leg-denim-trousers-vista-wash/3191819?origin=category&resultback=2841

I am a huge fan of Rivet and Blues, they fit me perfectly. Jeff bought me the boyfriend jeans and I wear them constantly.

Come to Colorado, Zoe can babysit and we can go shopping. Actually we need her to tell us what’s cool.

MODG September 20, 2011 at 9:52 pm

zdub those are some high shoes. Look at you. I’m afraid to trot big G around in anything over 3 inches. I at least need a platform to balance me out

ZDub September 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

They are high, but I need to look super hippie and fabulous when I go to Zoe’s school. Those 5th grade bitches are ruthless.

Jill September 20, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Three cheers for vagina hat! Where I come from, we called that gunty goodness a “teacher’s pouch”.

ZDub September 20, 2011 at 9:15 pm

That’s supposed to say “I’m so INTO the high waist flare”.

My computer just makes up words for me.

ChristinaW September 20, 2011 at 9:15 pm

You can keep the hippie casual status and get some TOMS wedges :)

I vote vagina hat also.

Denise September 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I have to disagree with this post, I never thought high waisted jeans were flattering on woman with a pooch, just google jessica simpson, high waisted jeans… she has a rockin bod and she even looks bad in high waisted jeans. I think the people who look best in them are twigs. Just saying…

JJ September 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Denise I 100% agree!!! Twigs can pull this off as well as the GOD AWFUL jeggings!!!! I hate any pants that suffocate my ankle! I am a curvy girl, about a size 8-10 and this look will not work for me ever!

lauren September 21, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I’m size 10 and short- the trouser pant does me well thank goodness. The whole fad of low-rise…eh eh–not for me and my big booty, especially not post-baby. Leggings—used to ALWAYS steer clear of these but bought two pair of black ones last season and paired with the right shirt and shoe, found it to be comfy (duh) and looked ok if I say so myself. I also got a pair of jeggings (gasp) and they were great, too–definitely had to wear a wedge heel with those.

Katie E. September 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I don’t know Denise, I live in the South where people show a lot of skin 9 months out of the year. Let me tell you girl, a chubby mommy in low rise jeans is not a pretty sight. You get a FUPA show as well as a not-so-merry-go-round style muffin top. There is also more booty cleavage than a plumbers convention. My sweet 4 yr old politely tapped a lady on the shoulder at the playground and told her her butt crack was shining last summer. Hilarious, but not appreciated by Ms. Low Rise (did she think kids are blind?) So, I love the high rise pants because they compress more flesh and cover it. Also, shirts will lay flat over them, which is a big old bonus!

The Slacker Mom September 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I had 3 children in 2 years. I call it the Mud Flap.

Emily D. September 20, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Have you tried these? http://www.toms.com/womens/wedges?view=all
I hear they are great!

MODG September 20, 2011 at 9:43 pm

No open toe. winter here requires warm toes

ChristinaW September 20, 2011 at 9:57 pm

True! I even live in NJ and I can’t believe I suggested them. But for SUMMER, they’d be awesome. haha

ab September 21, 2011 at 10:03 am

they are also the most uncomfortable mofos i have ever stepped my foot in.

ZDub September 21, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Agreed. Toms are from Satan.

Kristen September 20, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Where I come from (which, incidentally MODG, is like 20 mins away from where you come from) we call it a vagummock. Vagomach? Vajummick? Whatev, vag + stomach. I also heart high waisted jeans post- baby. So far have tried Gap and Banana. Both decent but not amazing. Looking forward to your review!

Heather September 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I’d say Toms wedges, hands down. Not that I own them…yet. ;)

Megan U. September 20, 2011 at 9:37 pm

My vote goes to vagina hat….im back down to my pre-pregnancy weight but I have this weird little roundish thing of fat that starts right above my c-section scar that i want to go away, like NOW :) but seeing as i sit on my tush for most of the day i dont see that happening anytime soon. So i’ll actually call it a vagina hat now :)

Megan U. September 20, 2011 at 9:42 pm

ps I am a jeans whore so any excuse to make my husband buy me them i’ll take…sitting on pins and needles for your reviews

Shana September 20, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Thanks for the shout-out! Chick, you are seriously funny – I was cracking up reading this post!

I vote for “kitty kase” and the potential for stuffing flesh. LOL

BTW – I have a pair of veeerrry high-waisted 7′s….and you are right on – they just zip that pooch right up. Love it.

Justine September 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I’m not sure about the high-waisted jeans, but I am loving the back-in-style extreme flare. I have a pair from Old Navy and they rock. The downside is that you do have to wear wedges with them, and I am not a high heel wearer–until now. I am in love with these shoes. Try ‘em, love ‘em.
http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=866813002&tid=plfr1r

Kelsey D September 20, 2011 at 10:00 pm

I think I am too short-waisted for these jeans. Luckily my youth plus breastfeeding aided in a FUPA-less tummy. However, I would like to try this style, any suggestions?

Kaite September 20, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Ann Taylor Julie Curvy are high waisted trouser and awesome. I also ADORE the Seven Gingers that you reviewed. Regarding preferred terms, I am a GUNT advocate, but pussy hat is awesome. I’m going to need industrial strength spandex if I ever have a child, FML.

Jill L-G September 20, 2011 at 10:17 pm

I forgot about GUNT! My husband hates that word, so I’ve been trying not to use it (while he’s home) (which pretty much means it will be my sons’ first word).

Jill L-G September 20, 2011 at 10:15 pm

1) I have no other term form FUPA, but since having twins 9 months ago, definitely have one. Does yours kind of hang and/or jiggle when you blowdry your hair upside down…?…not, um, that mine does or anything…

2) I bought some high-waisted jeggings from Old Navy when I was “shopping for the boys” (spoiled bastards), mostly b/c I didn’t have time to try them on and didn’t realize that they were high-waisted. BUT: But-I love them. They’re not so scary when worn with a blousey, tunic-y top. I don’t think they’re these, but these were the only ones I could find on the ON site: http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=70341&vid=1&pid=884956

Katie E. September 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I have these jeans and I love them! Also, the jiggles will eventually go away. I only had a single boy-o, but I quit smoking, got preggers, and then had to be on bed rest. I ballooned up like a mommy whale, and these jeans are awesome. Just remember Old Navy runs about 1 size larger (I didn’t and had to return).

ashlie September 20, 2011 at 10:23 pm

I love it. I am so with you on this. I still have weight to lose from my baby, but I already know that the hangy little pouch below my belly button (I enjoyed vagina hat the most) will not be going anywhere. Totally on the high waisted band wagon.

Ginny September 20, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I thought FUPA was Fat Upper Penile Area and for women it was GUNT, for when your baby-gut hangs over your c-u-next-tuesday?!

Rachel C September 20, 2011 at 10:27 pm

front-butt, frontal-lobes, or bundt-cake? I like rhyming with “unt”.

I’ve always been partial to 7′s Gingers, but you already mentioned those…

AmyBlam September 20, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Anyone remember the image of Jessica Simpson in high-waisted jeans? I’d like to offer that as a cautionary tale. I, too, and not a fan of low rise jeans and once got thrown out of a Gap for having this conversation with a male associate. Something about mentioning clitoris and calling him gay. Which he was. And totally fine with me mentioning clitoris as well.

Rachael September 20, 2011 at 10:43 pm

That whole chicken nugget thing is a true story. My true story. I actually gained weight after my unexpected and completely disappointing c-section. I sat around and ate chocolate and chicken nuggets. And… I didn’t continue breastfeeding after I got mastitis (I wanted to cut my boobs right off) so I basically am a fatty mcfatty right now. I am 8 sizes bigger than I was when i got married. Given I was a zero but still. The FUPA is depressing and it is not my friend. It has driven me to eat, I have just begun my weight loss journey (started sharing my chocolate with my husband).

I am not a fan of the high wasted jeans though. So Basically I’m just ugly mom. And I HATE it. omg. I hate it.

JeniferDunkle September 22, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I’m back at my pre-pregnancy weight, but I had a c-section, so I have the belly that goes with it. And there is no way I could ever wear a high waisted jean, they look horrid on me.

TC October 3, 2011 at 11:15 am

Rachael, I love you! You just articulated the way I feel about my body now that I have two toddlers and am the heaviest and most out of shape I have ever been (non-pregnant, anyway). I am also just starting on a weight loss journey. Good luck with yours! :)

Tia September 20, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Old Navy’s “The Dreamer” jeans are pretty nice. They are mid-rise, so not super high, but they have a built in suck-me-in panel. And I like that they’re not super expensive. I bought two pairs and I wear them all the time. And, you don’t need a wedge or heel to go with them, as they are boot cut. Oh, and I’m a fan of FUPA and vagina hat…those are the ones I use.

rachel September 20, 2011 at 10:57 pm

so i have hated every pair of high waisted jeans i have ever put on, but to be honest i haven’t tried a pair on in a long time. and now i’m a little confused by the pictures/description of these pants as high waisted. in my mind high waisted means up to your belly button and these are definitely below the naval. they appear to be (in my mind) mid to low rise. am i wrong? can someone explain this to me?

ps i vote for vagina hat because i think its funny :)

TheReset September 20, 2011 at 11:12 pm

I love my Express Eva curvy fit jeans. I definitely wear shirts over (as opposed to tucked in) the waistband. Tucking in shirts to mid-rise/ high jeans is not how I roll.

Domo September 20, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Gunt… B/c I should prolly avoid the v- word at work. (my only regular adult interaction time.)
I’m not sure the high waisted style is for me. Your toiletcam pics may convince me otherwise. I would like to see if there any Lee jeans that would work, esp for the wallet-friendly category. http://www.lee.com/LEE_STORE_US/en_US/home.html
I conceal my gunt with a tummie tank top. I found my first one at marshall’s for $15 and I feel like $1.2M when I’m wearing it. Love.

Domo September 20, 2011 at 11:54 pm
MODG September 21, 2011 at 9:26 am

DOMO those are it! I want those. I can’t find my size anywhere (size 6) alskdjfa;lkdsjf;alksdjf;alksjdf

Amber September 21, 2011 at 12:42 pm

These are cute…I have a pair that are similar and they’re great with jeans and really comfy!…http://www.bcfootwear.net/singleitem.tpl?cart=11092144227740&sku=MILKSHA9SF&H_P_Special=MILKSHA9SF

Kristen September 22, 2011 at 10:13 am
Bryna September 20, 2011 at 11:43 pm

These are good. And on sale. Jcrew claims they are their lowest rise, but they fit just over the hip bones on me, tucking in the vagina hat (the winner, in my book) nicely. And I second the Toms wedge (maintain hippy status). I avoid extra height bc I am 5’10” and live in Japan, where I feel like a great white whale walking amongst tiny cute japanese krill.

http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/denim/trouser/PRDOVR~29170/99102075571/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~20+17+4294967061~15~~~~~~~/29170.jsp

Kim September 20, 2011 at 11:56 pm

I swear by the Muse Icon by Joe’s jeans. Not as high waisted as dome, but definitely covers the pooch – sad to say I have a little one despite no pregnancy!! They are truly flattering, not too bell bottomy, and the best part is that you can ALWAYS find them on sale at Nordstrom Rack, if you are lucky enough to live near one. My most recent pair was $55!

Amy September 22, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I second the vote for the Muse jeans… I wore them before I got preggo because they were so flattering. Who would have thought high waisted jeans could look so good. I can’t wait to pop this kid out and get back in them since I know they’ll hold my gut in.

OurGrowingGarden September 21, 2011 at 12:36 am

Here is how I tuck in my bits and pieces. FREE JEANS. http://www.ourgrowinggarden.com/2011/08/mom-jeans-can-be-sexy-denizen-review.html

Megan U. September 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm

loved the photo shoot and thanks for the cheap jeans idea as i am a sahm :)

OurGrowingGarden September 21, 2011 at 3:22 pm

thanks :) they are my go to jeans now and they come up just high enough so I can tuck in my muffin-age but I don’t look like I’m 60 yet.

Marisela September 21, 2011 at 1:07 am

Hello MODG

I work at an independent shoe store in Tempe, AZ that is number one with the hippies. If you want comfy feet while wearing cool chunky heels with your high wasted jeans you should check out the styles Treasure, Bond or Union by Naot and any Indigo by Clarks or if you are really into the neat/ funky shoes that are comfy Fly London does cool shoes (YLVA) and Antelope and Art are super neat. I hope I don’t sound spammy or lead you into bad fashion territory but I love the hippies for their comfy shoes (i wear Birkenstocks like 90% of the time) and when i want to look cuter than earth mother I like these shoes. Better looking than CROCS and neat brands =)

Amanda B September 21, 2011 at 1:16 am

I vote for GUNT but also love vagina hat! My mom calls hers her “apron”…..ugh

sdw September 21, 2011 at 1:23 am

My hubby suggests: Hoo-hat (Hoo-ha + hat). Though vajummick makes me laugh out loud.

sdw September 21, 2011 at 1:27 am

Or, for the jews among us, yarmuffka!

Bailey@peppermintbliss September 21, 2011 at 5:34 am

I am sitting here pumping at 4:30 am and think I might cry. Are you telling me this fupa is permanent? I think you are. Because if skinnies like you still have it nearly 10 months after csection, my still 40 lb+ post baby is eff-you-cee-kay-ed. I am so sad right now, and high waisted jeans offer me no solace as they are not a solution for someone with Thighsman Trophies of my circumference. sadsx1000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Katie September 21, 2011 at 7:29 am

I just have to give Bailey here a shout out as I too was pumping while reading Modg’s post this morning at 4:30am. I too am, ahem, 40lb+ post baby (10 1/2months post c-secton). Fupa’s of the world UNITE! Blech…I tried to be positive about have this atrocity ,but seriously, I may just need to wine away my sorrow after bedtime tonight.

Bizbizmara September 21, 2011 at 6:34 am

It makes me REALLY sad that you think you’re fat. Cause not a single picture of you that I have seen on this blog even leads me to believe that you are a single pound overweight.

That said, when my daughter was 12 mos old and I was STILL 25lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight which was 25lbs more than my ideal weight in the first place (yes, actually fat), I decided to just suck it up, and I bought some $12 jeans at Walmart that were the Faded Glory brand. These: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Faded-Glory-Women-s-Petite-Flare-Jeans/16002633 (Ok, they were $12 when I bought then, $13.88 now.) After putting them on it was the first time since before being pregnant that I felt remotely like a good looking normal person (cause I’m partial to feeling beautiful when pregnant). My only complaint about them is that they stretch and lose their shape- I could only wear them twice and would have to wash them to regain the shape. But otherwise, they have that tummy panel that holds everything in without being obnoxious and you can’t beat the price.

Jaime G September 21, 2011 at 7:18 am

apparently we have different understanding of FUPA. my understanding (taught to me by my husband) is the FUPA is an actual fatty area that sort of hangs down covering the actual area.
if he taught me wrong, he’s screwed! b/c that means my little layer of flub that hangs out above my low rise jeans (that i no longer wear in public) would be a FUPA, rather than flab, and i don’t want to believe i have FUPA.
so… what is it? is my layer of flab below my belly button but above my bikini line a fupa? please no!!!
(and why don’t the docs automatically do something nice when they cut us open and just cut out that extra fat? would it kill them? i don’t think so. )

Emily September 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I have always heard of the area between the belly button and the bikini line (the one that hangs over the jeans waistband) as a muffin top. I think the high rise jeans definitely clear up the muffin top. FUPA in my book is the excessive stuff that hangs down and covers your stuff. Another term is front butt. You would know if you had a FUPA. Google images has some great examples of FUPA.

Jaime G. September 21, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Whew! I was worried. I really don’t want to google any images, it’s bad enough seeing it in real life!

B. September 21, 2011 at 8:03 am

It’s too early for Confessions Friday, but as someone who is not a babyowner or a size 4.. FUX yes I love the mom jeans. They are like built in spanx. I’m not so sure about wearing them with a shirt tucked in- unless you borderline have the skinnies.. but I like that they don’t expose fat rolls, and that’s a canvas I can work with.

As for wedges… there are no shoes in ALDO practial for Mom’s but the fugly ones. Maybe someone should start a Mom shoe blog. I bet that person would get looots of free shoes.

BKmom September 21, 2011 at 8:20 am

PP: Thighsman Trophy — yeah I got a pair of those.

The jeans you post aren’t really all that high-waisted — they all seem to fall below the belly button at a spot I think is universally flattering. Not high enough to create long butt and not low enough to make muffin top. I have hipster boy butt (read: none) which at first sounds great to be able to wiggle out of lowrise jeans without undoing them, but it’s actually sad to be a lady with not one bit of junk in the trunk. When I was pregnant wearing maternity pants/jeans was a disaster bc my belly and thighs were always conspiring to push them down, and my butt couldn’t keep them up. Next time I’m getting some suspenders.

NSC September 21, 2011 at 9:13 am

Thats what they make booty pop for! Haven’t you seen those commercials? Google it…its blocked where I am currently.

Names I have heard…FUPA, FUSA, pooch, apron, gunt (although it seems to not be as popular as FUPA, for some strage, sad reason) and intestinal pregnancy.

MargaretClifford September 21, 2011 at 8:59 am
Courtney September 21, 2011 at 9:08 am

I’m all over the silence and noise high waisted. Not too flair.
And after baby #2 turned 3. I got smart-lipo on my “lady package protectors.” Worth every penny. But totally wait until you’re fully done with kids. The second one really tears shit up.

Candace September 21, 2011 at 9:26 am

woman wombat gets my vote. And check out Toms wedges. Bonus: you can keep some hippie cred (though, it’s kinda hippie-hipster mix…. Toms are blowing up!)

Robyn September 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

I’m partial to FUPA. I just find it hilarious and dont want to stop using the term. I would like to give the Silence & Noise ones a try… & I am SO. EXITED. for some new toilet pictures. It’s been a while…. Also wedges are my favorite! They are pretty much all I wear. I think they are the perfect balacne between comfy and stylish & so easy to walk in! (at least for me…)

Mrs. Plank September 21, 2011 at 9:38 am

Okay, I don’t think any of these can control my FUPA. And I’m sticking with that term. My husband has been using it to refer to my lower front abdomen since 2008. I’ve accepted it and now sort of covet it. NOT!

Anyways, that should be an MODG challenge! Lets have a battle of the front porches!!! Lets see who has the best FUPA on the interwebs. And by best I mean most grossly overhanging with zero chance that any jean can conquer it. I’m 99% sure I will win. Let me know if you do this and I will show you my before/after baby pics clearly denoting my FUPA’s earliest beginnings and now thriving lifestyle. PEACE!

Jess September 21, 2011 at 9:42 am

I call it the front-butt … because, well, it looks like an ass up front!

Lindsay September 21, 2011 at 10:01 am

Vag Patty.

Patty like the hamburger, not Doug Funnie’s girlfriend.

mommylisa September 21, 2011 at 10:15 am

http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/miz-mooz?origin=brandindex <- MOST COMFY HEELS EVER without the Choo price.

Miranda September 21, 2011 at 10:26 am

Get ready to vomit in your mouth. The area to which you are referring has an actual name–the “mother’s apron.” VOM.

And I have it. And now that I’m pregnant with my second, it’s worse. I’m afraid this second parasite is never going to fill out that skin and I’m going to be rocking a pregnant belly with a skin flap hanging off the bottom. Vom again.

I am no help on the mom non mom jeans. I’m so short waisted (and not remotely skinny) that if I attempt to wear high waisted jeans I look like I’m trying to wear a strapless denim romper.

Katie September 21, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I think I just peed in my way to tight and muffin-top giving jeans. “Strapless denim romper” = me too.

Miranda September 22, 2011 at 8:45 pm

It’s unfortunate, right? Because I WANT to be fashionable, but the lack of height coupled with the fact that the distance between my boobs and my hips is about nine inches and yeah. It’s just not a look I can rock. Sads.

caroline September 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Bahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Win.Place.Show

I’m preggo with my second and was eating with my dad recently (at red lobster, no less) and noted that I didn’t want any dessert because I’m trying not to get as big as a semi this time. He told me not to worry about it. That I’m never going to look like I’m 20 again. I’m a Mom. Then he let me know it even says so in the Bible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KatieB September 21, 2011 at 10:58 pm

It doesn’t say that in the Bible. lol

Miranda September 22, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Even Jesus knew better than to try and placate us with that shit. Mother Mary would’ve bent him over her knee and beaten his tail. And she was his mother even if he was the son of God, so she totally got that right. It was written in her stretch-mark contract.

Miranda September 22, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Oh, to be as “fat” as I was when I was 20 again…

Jess September 21, 2011 at 10:27 am

OMGOMGOMGOGOMGOGMOGOG. This might be your best post yet. I totally agree. My son is 17 months and no matter how much of the horrible baby weight I lose, my FUPA sticks around. I too am a C-section-er. And those gap jeans in that exact color are being delievered to my office today. Yes, my office so my husband doesn’t know how many pairs of mom jeans and super cute blazers I have ordered and will be wearing this fall. We all benefit from me looking like a person again and not some tired ass mom with infant. Now I’m a toddler mom biatches.

Tara September 21, 2011 at 10:30 am

These are the ones. Hands down best jeans I have owned post-babies– and I am an unadulterated denim whore. Worth every penny.

http://www.joesjeans.com/shop/product.php?productid=2573&cat=2

Megan U. September 21, 2011 at 3:12 pm

ahhhhhhh!! i want these like NOW, i too am a jeans whore :)

Rebecca September 21, 2011 at 10:44 am

For reals am I the only one who calls it a BIF?

w, September 21, 2011 at 11:13 am

I refer to mine as a fanny pack.

sarah September 21, 2011 at 11:15 am

i got you covered. and by you i am talking to the kitty wombat or whatever you want to call it. in casual conversation i have found using “the grossness” and adding a gesture totally explains it to all other moms. these say low rise but they are lying. just bought them and they are fab. sorry, modg-this pair is not your size. http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Republic-Womens-Scorpion-Lowrise/dp/B003GAM1TE

DM's Mommy September 21, 2011 at 11:23 am

Okay, here I go:
1) Instead of FUPA I say we go with FUBAR. A normal acronym that I hear often at work (It’s a Military thing I think)
2) If I was able to get one to try I would go with: Silence and Noise High Rise Flare Jean. I tend to not buy anything for me, not to be a martyr I just don’t, and so I find myself stuffing my two-kid body into jeans I bought before kids or the ones I had to buy a size up after my son. I just hate to go to a store and KNOW I’m bigger than I’d like b/c when I do lose weight….it’s just not in the stomach area. So by the time I could be losing weight there I have stopped trying b/c I’m bummed. Anyways, I will check all these jeans out either way though. I may even buy myself something:) Ha-ha!

ashlie September 22, 2011 at 1:52 pm

FUBAR is a pretty accurate one – Fucked Up Beyond All Repair

SamanthaBall September 21, 2011 at 11:59 am

Just ordered these bad boys! http://www.toms.com/womens/wedges/black-cord-wrap-women-s-wedges
So cute and comfy!!
As for the high waistie cover your business pants, I’m not sure?! I think they are so cute on thin tall people or petite short people, but for us curvy folk, I think they might just be a fashion hazard. Can’t wait to see some toilet modeling and hear some feedback. Maybe I’ll even buy a pair?

Britt September 21, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I got these cords from Gap last week and I love them: http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=49932&vid=1&pid=847826&scid=847826002

I never thought I would be a cords person but when I wear jeans its hard to bend over and pick up my daughter but these are not constricting at all. Love them. I thought I would have to wear boots or heels but they actually looked cute with flip flops. They are a good first step into the high waisted jeans because they aren’t too high but definitely help the GUNT/FUPA.

Do you have an Ivy & Leo? I got the MOST comfortable pair of wedges there this summer. I think the brand is Bamboo.

Jamie @ See You There! September 21, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Those are so cute!! This has inspired a desire to do some fall shopping this weekend… :)

Amber September 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Toms wedges…relatively comfy, cute and they donate a pair to needy kids! what could be better?

Kate September 21, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Cover what you want but I couldn’t care less. I carried a friggin baby in that stomach and therefore will not be stuffing it into anything to hide it. I wear fitted t-shirts and my jeans I loved before my son was ever a thought. I don’t care and I certainly don’t care if anyone else does. If people point and laugh I’ll know they’re the idiots for caring what the hell I look like and not themselves.

Jamie @ See You There! September 21, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Aww I bet you look adorable in your tees and jeans :)

Stef September 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

This post is fantastic – I LOVE the vagina hat – even while I work I’ve been using that to describe myself in the pre-baby pants I think I jumped the gun on. I’m sure the boss-man is super stoked that I’m on a blog and also using the words Vagina- My most favorite pair of jeans are from Express – when I bought them I actually thought of returning them because I didn’t like how high they came up. But now I’m trying to find all of them in any shade possible.

http://www.express.com/button-tab-wide-leg-jean-40208-24/refine/Leg+Shape/Wide/control/page/2/show/3/index.pro

Katie September 21, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Loose-meat sandwich.

You’re welcome.

Marjorie September 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

There are some cute Chinese Laundry wedges on Zulily today!

Caroline September 21, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Does your hubby shit his pants when you buy expensive jeans?????

Maybe my FUPA is bigger and that is why I can’t get away with it.

Ryan September 21, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Just remember that not all high-waisted jeans are created equal. While some may be your best friend…some may be evil britches out to ruin you. :)

Ryan September 21, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Aw, boo. It didn’t post my picture! What does your blog have against Jessica Simpson now!?! :)

caroline September 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Can you imagine the FUPA on Mrs. Duggar?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jamie @ See You There! September 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Oh how I WISH I could pull off the high waisted jean. i have a little bitty belly without having the excuse of having a baby first, plus I’m short waisted, so the high waisters tend to look a little odd on me. which sucks because i love them! i look forward to your reviews, but honestly MODG, I’m having a hard time believing you have ANY kind of extra belly fat to be worried about. I’ve seen pics of you post preggo… you look amazing!

Anna September 21, 2011 at 6:59 pm

I would love someone (you) to try these and model them so I can decide if I can rock them this winter. I need a wedge boot as I live in the Northeast, am a teacher and need to make it through recess duty when its cold outside, I need to go try some of these high waisted deals when I finally suck it up and accept that my pre-baby wardrobe is not going to cut it. I have not gotten there yet though.
http://www.amazon.com/Lucky-Womens-Fedora-Boot-Black/dp/B00590K0SI/ref=sr_1_88?s=shoes&ie=UTF8&qid=1316645799&sr=1-88

Janet September 21, 2011 at 7:52 pm
Domesticated Gal September 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Dear MODG,

Thank you. Today’s PSA? WILL SAVE MY LIFE.

Seriously. After kid #1, I was a skinny bitch. My pooch? Was smaller than it was BEFORE the 9lb baby birthed via CSection.

I know. I didn’t know how lucky I was.

GOd do I now.

Kid #2?

Has COMPLETELY ruined me. I may have lost the baby weight, but I still can’t stuff it into my old jeans.

So all that? Is to say that I will be buying high waisted jeans ASAP. Or at least as soon as my husband’s credit card get’s over last month’s discovery of the tunic/leggings combo.

G September 21, 2011 at 9:34 pm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panniculus

They actually have a real honest to goodness name for this. Be glad that you don’t have a grade 5. Yikes.

K.GIRL.HEY September 22, 2011 at 12:20 pm

OMIGOSH thats just scary. there’s only one level that seams like it may be reversable–OUT OF FIVE.

Miranda September 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I’m afraid to click this link. And yet? I know I must.

colleen September 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm

i honestly thought that if i just wore the belly bandit, took pilates, and did sit-ups, i could get past this. fuck. i’m wrong. tummy tuck saving starts…now.

JJ September 21, 2011 at 10:40 pm

OK, I have the hardest shape to dress when it comes to the assholes I refer to as jeans. I used to adore Angel jeans, the dark ones. Not the ones with all kind of weird bedazzled shit on them OR a huge bleach like stripe on each leg basically pointing out my massive thighs. Where did Angel jeans go??? The stretch is perfect, and they always make the ass look better than it is. They are cheap too. WHERE ARE THE ANGEL JEANS these days other than Kohl’s???

K.GIRL.HEY September 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm

TJ Maxx

Nichole September 22, 2011 at 12:53 am

I call it cheeseburger crotch. My ass/hips are too wide for the high-waist trend. : (

Joanna C September 22, 2011 at 1:23 am

Me and my mom friends call the fupa the fanny pack

Jen fellow c section mom September 22, 2011 at 10:29 am

MODG,

I totally get it. I had a section 7 weeks ago and have what my husband calls a “puffy pannis.” Gross. And while I am back to my pre preg weight none of my pants and most of my tops do not fit. So, in short, I have no idea where it all shifted from or to, I’m just different now. You understand.

I’m pretty sure you might hate Uggs (except the fuggs you mentioned), but you should check out the Ugg vivica clog. Love it. They also have a comfy wedge if you’re not into the clog. They are my antidepressant, and let’s face it, something on me needs to look hot other than my recently rediscovered cheekbones.

Bitchin Sisters September 22, 2011 at 12:19 pm
K.GIRL.HEY September 22, 2011 at 12:34 pm

CLAM.

C- Cushy
L- Like
A- A
M- Marsupial

Mums of modgland: JAM OUT WITH YOUR CLAM OUT. Actually, don’t. Get some clam diggers. Clam glam. Clam chaps. k i’m done.

Alexis September 22, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Hutton High Rise Wide Leg in Dark Paris. I have 4 pairs of these, including one from ebay that was tailored into skinnies. They are unparalleled hiders of all types of fat. Plus, they are wideleg so you can size down. Everyone should know. Downside: the seams pull when you are really really too fat for them, but it it’s nothing a sharpie can’t fix.

http://www.revolveclothing.com/DisplayProduct.jsp?code=CITI-WJ227&c=Citizens+Of+Humanity+Jeans

Ashleigh September 22, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I am casting my vote for “Woman Wombat”

Liz September 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Vagumach. Vagina + Stomach. Vagumach

Enough said.

Vicki September 22, 2011 at 11:03 pm

I love all the names for FUPA (which I just explained to my mom…).
I just don’t see how pulling the fabric up over the pouch makes it look better. When I do it, I just look way FUPA-y-er. Sigh.

Emma September 22, 2011 at 11:32 pm

ok, I didn’t want to take the leap into a line that basically SAYS “old lady pants” but I have to say Not Your Daughter’s Jeans are the shizz. They suck your business in and they feel like leggings. sign me up.

http://www.zappos.com/not-your-daughters-jeans-faye-wide-leg-in-robertson-wash-robertson-wash

Now it’s back to the new Charlie’s Angels, which is epically bad.

ps: I vote for vagina hat. sounds festive.

Bre September 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Sarah G September 26, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Tom’s new wedges are the most confortable shoes ever! Buy the half size up from what you usually wear though, I think they run slightly small. PLUS, they have 3 corduroy pairs that are absolutely darling. I have two pairs right now and I wear them every single day to work! Love!

http://www.toms.com/womens/wedges

Bitchin Sisters October 27, 2011 at 11:47 am

I was in TJMaxx and thought of you and Anna Nicole Smith. Normal. I tried these on http://shop.guess.com/Catalog/View/WB0137RD0I0 and cried in the fitting room. You have to go like 8 sizes up. But they’re super cute. Now I miss ANS. And my prebaby body.

http://bitchinsisters.wordpress.com/2011/07/14/sweaty-eyeballs-and-hooters-t-shirts/

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