I wanted to make a confession. I’m offended by some specific mom over exposure. I just don’t understand. It’s perfectly easy to cover it up and it’s disrespectful to my eyes to show it.
I honestly wish there was a better word for it. But no one has made one yet. I’ll develop a few throughout this post and we’ll see what sticks.
How do I know about this offensive chunk of flesh? Because I’m a proud owner. I’m no different than any other baby container. And c-section moms have it the worst. When they cut into your blubber parts to get the baby out, stuff just doesn’t go back where it should so easily. Then you get sad about it and then you eat a chicken nugget to feel better with a side of 20 pixie sticks and your softies grow friends and then the relationship gets serious and you have love handles.
But here’s what I’m saying people: we can fix it. And while we’re saving up for surgery to do so: we can cover it up. And here’s why it’s amazing to be a mom in 2011:
MOM PANTS ARE NOW CALLED HIGH WAISTED JEANS. And they are cool and they are sold at fancies like Neimans.
Um, sure women can vote and be CEO’s and laser off their mustaches, but THIS my friends, THIS is why it’s amazing to be a woman in 2011. We can tuck our vagina hats into jeans and call it fashion. Can you even imagine what it was like in 1999 when you had to wear jeans down to your ass crack? I would seriously be screwed. But not now world. Now, I’m fashionable.
I’m obsessed with this blog, which has led me out of the dark places in my closet and into the rainbows of skinny land.
So here’s the deal. I’m working to acquire as many high waisted jeans as womanly possible to complete my fall wardrobe. But here’s the catch. You knew there would be a catch. High waisted jeans look best with a chunky heel or a wedge. This screws up my hippie casual lifestyle. I’ve seriously been enjoying my FUGGS and Sperry’s (2009 MODG can’t believe she just said that). But this my friends, is a sacrifice I’m willing to make. And you should too. I don’t know how long we’ll be lucky enough where the world will allow us to tuck in our coochie carriages and still be Vanessa Nick Lachey Face. So we need to act now.
Here are the jeans that I have so far. I will be wearing, hemming, and reviewing them for you in the upcoming month so we can all tuck in our cinnabuns together.
Despite it’s high rise claim, I wish it had a little extra height for those of us whose lady bits flow in abundance above the shore line. Yeah…I don’t know. I’m running out of things here.
I bought these pre-pregnancy and they still do the job. I wish they were a little heavier, but apparently lightweight refers to the fabric and not it’s ability to shoot mind erasers. FYI. But their potential to stuff flesh is phenomenal. That’s what she said.
So I don’t actually own these yet. They are on full out backorder, which means bitches across America are stuffing their battle buns in these bad boys. I love that they aren’t a super wide leg but still have the potential for making me look skinny. I will report back.
The ladies of the USA are digging the fleshy fat fabrics so much that we’re getting into high waisted skinnies. Now this has potential for danger. I ordered these in black and denim because I wanted denim but they didn’t have my size. 2 colors, 2 sizes, one will be returned. I don’t have these yet either but I’m short so I like the length and this means I can tuck jeans into my boots and still have my woman wombat covered up. I’ll report back.
Here’s where you come in. Are there a pair of high waisties that you are coveting but are afraid to buy? Tell me what they are and I’ll see if I can get the company to send them to me so I can review them. Do you see how you are helping me get free jeans? You’re smart and charitable. I knew I liked you.
And hopefully then, and only then I will own ALL OF THE HIGH WAISTED MOM NON MOM JEANS IN THE WORLD.
Now let’s all bow our heads and be thankful that we as women live in a time of acceptance, freedom and the right to fashionably cover our bob cabobs.
Tell me what term we’re using to replace FUPA
Tell me what high waisted jeans you want
And when I get the ones I’m due and possibly some freebo’s I’ll put them all on my softies and model them on the toilet. You know you missed that bitch.
For bonus points, find me a comfortable wedge shoe