Old souls have old holes. And mine is in retirement. Both.

To commence the -week of getting my holes checked out-, I had an OBGYN appointment this morning. And I can say that it went just about as well as the dentist.

Ok the dentist was worse. But hole #2 didn’t get any better of a report than that mouth hole up north. And if we’re really riding the honesty train, I didn’t go to an OBGYN, I went to a midwife…where I cried, and got a hug. It’s fairly routine. She told me that I deserved a medal for everything that I’ve been through. Midwives 4 life. Although who cares about medals anymore. It’s 2011 and I’m not in a war. I’d like a flat screen and a doughnut.

So remember during my birth story, I told you about “the awful”? For those of you who are too lazy for clicks and links, “the awful” was the cervical exam. They would dig around to see how dilated you were. I finally knew what it meant to see stars. And unfortunately Britney was not one of them. Well turns out, my vagina resents that procedure and is holding it against me. That or I’m mentally traumatized. So I told the midwife to check it out because it still seems angry at me.

I get the standard “ok dear, inch down about 3 inches”. (that practice is consistent with midwives and anyone else in the vagina business)

Stirrups in, staring up at the breast feeding fairy mobile above my head (oh yes.)

MW: Hmm, well that’s interesting

Me: I really don’t need an interesting vagina today

MW: So your cervix is retreating.

Me: Retreating? Where on earth could it go?

MW: It’s not letting me take any cells

Me: Letting you? Who is running this show?

MW: Oh my…

Me: Don’t they teach you people some key phrases to avoid when inside a vagina?

MW: Well, it looks like you have a “post-menopausal cervix”

Me: EXCUSE ME?

MW: It is white, when it should be dark and it’s closed off.

Me: So my cervix is dying?! And it’s racist?

So what this really means is that my estrogen is just way low from breastfeeding and it’s normal. It also means that my vagina is an angry old broad who wants nothing to do with anyone or anything in it’s house.

I’m like, jesusonabagel, this is just what I need. I am already responsible for a high needs baby, 2 cats on a hunger strike, a medium needs husband (except where his hair is concerned) and now my old bag of a cervix. I have to go to a super special doctor in the city to get fancy meds for her. It’s basically wrinkle cream and botox for the old bar whore.

I told my friend about my old box and she put it perfectly, “bodies are weird.” Bodies ARE weird. They do weird shit and they annoy me. They get rotten holes and stuff falls out of them that you can’t put back in. I told her that I’m over it. When I die I plan to donate my body to someone who wants a body. I don’t care if it’s “science” or to some guy who really gets into his makeshift haunted house on halloween. I don’t even know what the science thing means. Like, can I donate my body to math if I choose to? But at this rate no one will want my body and it’s rotten holes anyway. I told you all that holes were trouble. You didn’t listen.

So I’m making an appointment at the super fancy hole doc in the city and killmenow because I have to email them my insurance information and my cats shoe size before they will even think to call ME to make an appointment. Slow your roll doctors. Bodies are weird and you are all just pretty much guessing anyway.

To be honest, I don’t really understand much of this estrogen vagina cervix breastfeeding science. I’m just following orders. Can one of you tell me more about my cervix? I trust the internet about as much as I trust doctors.

Forget doctors. I’ll take one drum circle and 3 hippies to dance around my vagina please. They don’t need no insurance. Just some sunflowers and high fives.

Signing out friends.

I’ll be pouring an Old Fashioned down my trap to keep the hag quiet.

MODG and oldMODGhole

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POSTED IN: hippie stuff,I hate everyone,Innapropriate,Mom Stuff,Not Pleased,Vom stuff

{ 97 comments }

Andréa September 9, 2011 at 6:01 pm

But I mean did you ever get your period? Because I’m way too interested in your bodily functions, but hey, you put it out there…

MODG September 9, 2011 at 6:02 pm

not yet

erin w September 9, 2011 at 10:38 pm

I never surfed the crimson wave until after I completely weaned my son…and now it’s back…relish this time.

Sarah vL September 9, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Please oh please oh please put that picture on a mug and put it on zazzle. Jesus christ that is so fucking good. I’m still laughing out loud.

Hippie dancing being sent your way!

julie s. September 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Agreed…it should be on a mug…a mug that I make my husband drink coffee out of every morning. I showed him the picture and tried to make him guess what it was. When I told him, he told me to make it go away.

Beth September 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I just died! Laughing so hard no sound came out!!! I had a trouble shooting hole appt today also with a referral to the same damn dr who cut my baby out instead of letting me hippie squeeze him out. These Venus cry traps really let you know the lasting consequences of drinking and boning and procreating<3

LMC September 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I have never laughed so hard while reading a blog EVER. My dh thinks I’ve lost it. Which I have now. Take care of that hag of a hole though. And I agree with you about dentists. Mine actually said “Don’t shoot the messenger!” when I screamed “How did I get two cavities when I come here every 6 months for torture (er cleaning) and floss a LOT. Like ever day?”. Sheesh.

Sarah RDH September 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

2? That’s it? You got lucky. My personal favorite quote to use is, “I didn’t give you cavities.”

Krista September 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I know nothing about vaginas or cervixes (is that the plural of cervix? It looks weird) but I know mine hurts every time I get my period since having kids…like it is pissed for being stretched and abused…or for bleeding. Who knows. Bodies are weird. Other than not getting to be pregnant (which I love, in a troubling I might end up with more kids than I really can handle sort of way) men have it so easy and they have no idea how lucky they really are.

Brittany September 9, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Long time reader, first time commentor…

A. The artistic rendering of the old bag in your vajayjay is priceless. I would like T-shirts, coffee mugs, and perhaps one of those 6 foot tall cardboard cut-out posters of her.

B. Sorry you have an old bag of cervix…you could maybe look into some herbal remedies that work to balance hormones such as Chasteberry (vitex), Red Clover, and/or soy. The hippies might be able to guide you in a more specific direction concerning dosing as I’m not sure how herbs fly when your bf’ing.

Good luck!

Hannah Elise September 9, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I’ve heard that red raspberry leaf tea is good for feminine stuffses… as far as hippiness goes. ;)

Bek September 9, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I always seem to be reading your blog when I’m in bed and end up laughing like an idiot and getting side-eye from The Man, but its ok cause you make me happy inside my heart, even about scary things like Old Hag Vag.

Ann Oswood September 9, 2011 at 6:27 pm

First, thank you so much for your absolutely hilarious blog (the first and only blog that I have ever followed), and your unwavering support of breastfeeding and childbirth and bodies and midwives. Second, full disclosure here, I am a nurse-midwife. And you are right, there is lots of crying and there are lots of hugs at our visits, and it is, indeed, quite standard. We midwives like doing that. We also like cervixes and breastfeeding, and like your midwife told you, it is completely normal to have a cervix that looks “post menopausal” when you are breastfeeding. There is really nothing wrong with you–it just means that your hormone levels are low, just as she said. Your cervix is probably more like an exhausted and weepy young mother than an old cranky hag. Just to give her (your cervix) credit, you know. If it is uncomfortable for you, then go to the fancy city doctor guy and get the cream. When your cycles return, either soon (as you said, hilariously, that you suspected) or when you wean your little one, your hormone levels will go back up and your cervix should be young and flexible and happy again. And if it makes you feel better, in addition to actually possessing degrees, today I am also wearing a long fluffy skirt and sandals, so you can even call me a hippie if you want and consider yourself danced-around. So good luck, and I hope I was helpful in the cervix department.

ChristiWampler September 9, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Ann wins. Seriously, this is the most helpful post I’ve ever seen on the interweb, ever. Ever.

Krista September 9, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Agreed.

Kate September 14, 2011 at 8:33 am

Agreed! (And I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said “Midwives help people out.” Get it? Help people… OUT?”) Anyway, it’s true, they do, and I love them.

MODG September 9, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Thank you Ann. UNITE.

k September 9, 2011 at 9:58 pm

So Ann..nice to see you here. .I have a mw Ann too but as she is not posting here, I shall address you with gratitude. Just checking that you are saying that it is fine for those of us who are bf to have this old hag/weepy young cervix and we don’t need to have it checked out unless it is bothering us too miuch. Is that right? Thanks so much, and thanks for being a midwife. Seriously. xo

Ann September 10, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Yes, that’s right. It should just go back when your hormones return to your normal, nonbreastfeeding state. The deal is that our bodies are not made to make more babies when we JUST made one, you know?

jesbod September 11, 2011 at 9:59 am

Could we have an “Ask Ann” section?

eileen marie September 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

5 points for Ann, midwife extraordinaire!

Lynet Witty September 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Totally commend you for doing the natural/midwife thing. Dancing around hippie style for you. And yeah, fucking bodies, right? Stupid holes and stupid body. I’m the same way. Please kill me when I reach 45 cause I don’t wanna know what else can go wrong with me. (I mean, I’m not 44, but I think it’s a nice medium)…Anyways, love your blog <3

Jilly-J's Mom September 9, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Best Post EVER. Seriously!

But I have to ask… your cervix is post-menopausal? Can you have babies anymore? I swear you would be like the youngest person to have menopause ever.

MODG September 10, 2011 at 8:00 pm

No I can have babies. It just means it’s way low on young people hormones. After breastfeeding it will come back

Yaly September 9, 2011 at 6:36 pm

I just found your blog about a month ago and now that I’ve read every post (chronologically, because I’m OCD) I can allow myself to comment on current posts. I must say that as a certified scientist in training, I would allow you to donate your body to science, even math, maybe the mathematician can use it to finally see how the female anatomy works and impress their other geek friends (engineers). Anyways, sorry about your holes and needing to go to a special doctor, I just had my first baby 12 weeks ago and my hole is still traumatized as well, so I feel your pain. Good luck!

Amy of "famed" Pregnant Chicken September 9, 2011 at 6:39 pm

There needs to be a zanzibar awesome button added to this post because I can’t fucking handle the magic. You cranky coot has entertained me more than a honey badger tonight and, for that, I thank you.
I have no wisdom except that, bodies are weird, and the box need time to get back into the swing of things. Godspeed, happy hole. Godspeed.

eileen marie September 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

I need to know more about this term “zanzibar awesome” -I ended up in Zanzibar this summer. Btw, my sister had a badger (not of the “honey” variety) guarding her front lawn as his territory -he was a scary MF. True story.

Veralynn September 9, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Holy crap, I am trying to send my sympathetic vibes your way but can’t get the image of your wheezy, bearded old hag of a cervix out of my mind. This may be the first time ever that I have actually taken two seconds to think about anyone’s cervix, even my own…so congrats on that?

Stacy September 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

OMG is it bad that the first thing I thought of was Betty White and Sandra Bullock singing that Balls song and dancing around in the woods from that movie the Proposal? I mean, obviously your vajajay would need a more appropriate song but still…………

Hugs for having to go to the special doc. I mean 3 doctors in that amount of time should be illegal.

Katie September 9, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Just saw that movie again for the first time in a long time and I am pretty sure I will request the balls song to be played at my funeral.

marissa September 9, 2011 at 7:12 pm

i’ve never had kids or anything but my virginia (lady parts) is a total pain. literally. it has its own physical therapist and accessories and ointments, one of which is estrogen cream which is probably what you’ll use. it actually made a big difference and makes me feel a lot better! i also only have to use it once a day (don’t know how often you’ll have to use it) which is appealing. applying ointments to your virginia is not something you want to do often.

so good luck with your virginia and your special doctor!!! hopefully you’ll get some helpful lotions and potions!

love your blog, it’s totally my favorite! AND it creeps my boyfriend out that i’m reading a blog about babies. :)

Kelsey September 9, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I have been bfing for 13 months now and while I knew my hoo-ha was a crabby old washed up bitch, I did not know the condition had a name. I have no periods, no horomomes, and no desire to bone whatsoever. So thank you modg, you have inspired me to go get my hole checked out and not many people have that kind of vagina power. But at least were not alone and its…”normal”.

Jen September 11, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Kelsey, if you figure that out let me know because I found out olive oil makes sex actually doable, but I am still waiting for my libido any any sensation at all to return (and my son turned 2 a few months ago so I am starting to suspect I am extra weird).

Adelita September 9, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Is this why I have to use an entire bottle of KY to have sex with my husband? I am breastfeeding our 5 month old and have been wondering what the hell is going on down south…can you say Mojave much?! Oye so not looking forward to magical creams. Irritable Vag Syndrome, has a ring to it…

ElsMom September 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

You are a fucking nut! Thank you!

Courtney September 9, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I basically had the same thing happen. My body thought I was in menopause, or at least that is how my OB put it. It was awful and I was put on that nasty estrogen therapy (premarin) that they put post-menopausal women on. Just another lovely side effect of breastfeeding and to be honest nothing improved down below until a few months after I stopped breastfeeding and got a few regular periods. Thanks for mentioning it though, I don’t know anyone else who experienced it. Now I talk about it openly with anyone who is preggo or nursing because it would have helped me to know what the hell was going on. Good luck!

Krista September 9, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I’m new around here and even though I went back and read every post I didn’t read the comments on all of them so maybe this has happened before. But, does anyone else feel strangely close to the other commenters after MODG posts about her vagina happenings and we all get to share ours? Or is it just me?

Rocky September 9, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Thank you for the laughs. I have read your blog for some time, but I haven’t ever commented. I am sitting at home right now suffering through a miscarriage. Your ridiculously funny picture is the only thing that has made me laugh all day. Thank you.

MODG September 9, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Thanks for sharing this Rocky. You made my day. Your miscarriage didn’t make my day, that would be sick and awful. But the fact that my stupidity made you smile after something awful, makes my day.
xoxo

ChristiWampler September 9, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Rocky, I am so sorry for your shitty day. Hang in there. I dont’ know if that is the right thing to say or not, but I just wanted to say something to let you know that even though I’m a complete stranger, you will be in my thoughts tonight.

KatieB September 9, 2011 at 11:59 pm

You’re in my thoughts as well, Rocky. My husband and I decided to start a family a year ago, and since then we’ve had two miscarriages. Modg’s blog has helped me to laugh again about a topic that had only been hurting my heart. You’re not alone. Love and hugs.

eileen marie September 10, 2011 at 10:24 am

@Rocky & KatieB -So sorry to hear of your miscarriages. I am glad MODG is uniting strangers and keeping those going through rough times afloat.

Anna September 10, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Thinking of you…good luck.

Suz September 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Sending empathy your way, Rocky – I had a miscarriage before I had my first baby (now have 2 healthy little girls). It sucks big time, but it gets better. I found a vacation and lots of alcohol did wonders for me :)

TBones September 9, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Oh Modge, so funny. I am praying for your vag.

Chris September 9, 2011 at 9:20 pm

There is very little I can say that has not been said already. I say hurray for your vajayjay. Thank you for the biggest laugh I’ve had in days…. Your blog is practically a public service for women everywhere…..

Heidi September 9, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I’m sorry you’re going through this! I just needed to say thanks for your post, though. I, too, am sick of my body. I have an 11-week old and feel like my body is doing crazy things all the time. Blocked milk duct? Yep, working through it. Cracked nipples? Been there. Sore down there? Sure thing. Varying milk supply? Oh yeah. It’s crazy, and I’m just glad that I’m not the only one who has issues. I feel like so many women have babies and you never hear about any difficulties they have – so then you start to think you did something wrong. But nope, your friend’s right – bodies ARE weird.

Zizette September 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Drink mother milk tea for the supply, a heating pad on your breast for the clogged milk ducts when not breast feeding. I believe they make these little heating pads that can go in the microwave that you can put in your bra, they did 7 years ago. Good luck. And modg, you crack me up.

ChristiWampler September 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Heidi, the first few weeks pretty much are the worst weeks of your life. Everything you wrote is totally normal. It will suck for a while and then I promise it gets better. Just go with it and hang in there. But yea, it SUCKS.

BQD's Mom September 9, 2011 at 9:59 pm

I’ve been following your blog for a long time but have never commented until now. I’m nursing a 9-month-old and am experiencing the EXACT same thing as you. I could never describe it as poetically as you, though, so thanks MODG!

Regina September 9, 2011 at 10:17 pm

You should really do a paint tutorial, you kick ass at it.

And please put that picture on a mug, I’ll buy one as soon as it’s up.

Kriste September 9, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I feel better after reading your post because I had almost the same appointment except she told me my vagina looked menopausal! So if I want to nurse for two years I have to wait that long to get back to normal?! Hmm.

ed September 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

Nope, I nursed for more than two and a half years and somewhere during that time, got periods again, and had another baby. So, you may not keep period away forever just by nursing long time.

meg September 9, 2011 at 10:32 pm

So funny- this post. Your problem- not so much! It did make me want to share with you that I had a Perinatologist, high risk pregnancy doctor, named Dr. Hole! Dr. Hole was the shit! He reminded me of a doctor on ER, Dr. Ramano. Anyway, we still laugh at his name. We thought we had it wrong at 1st b/c what vagina doctor is literally named Dr. Hole?
Just thought you & others would get a kick out of that! Peace!

ChristiWampler September 10, 2011 at 7:47 pm

In college, a lot of my sorority sisters went to an OBGYN named Dr. Box. And he was hot. I could NOT let a hot doctor look at my box, even if he is Dr. Box!

Susan September 9, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I’m 55….YES 55. I read MODG every day because she is a freaking old soul with a wicked funny look at life. I totally agree that the body is weird. Just wait until 55….w.e.i.r.d. beyond belief. Thanks for a laff today, MODG.

Andi September 9, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Oh no! I had this same conversation with my OB. She said “Post-Menopausal” and I almost flipped out. She swore it would go back to normal. She did not, however, tell me there was a magical cream to help things out. I shall look into this.

Rachel September 9, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Perfect timing for a perfect post.

My husband conveniently got called to the state fair for a sick sheep (He is a vet. We live in Kansas. Be jealous. Please come visit.). To make a long story short, the sheep had stones in his weird-shaped penis. To save the sheep’s life, my husband has to do a penis surgery on it tonight. So, while I was sitting in his office, waiting to go home, I decided to read your blog. Perfect. Holes are the theme of the evening here in Kansas, too.

As I type, he is surgically changing the sheep’s penis so that instead of peeing like a boy sheep, he will pee like a girl sheep. It will pee through. its. buttcheeks. Yeah. The penis is being cut down and the pee hole is being redirected so that it comes out its buttcheeks. And, to top it off, on our way here (as guy was riding in the back of his truck with his sheep going through downtown), my husband says, “If you were bent over like a sheep all the time, your vagina would be between your buttcheeks too.” Argument over vagina hole ensued.

So, you have an old hag vagina hole while a poor sheep here in Kansas just got his pee hole surgically moved to exit out his butthole. Holy. Shit. Coincidence?

eileen marie September 10, 2011 at 10:20 am

Oh Lord, life is strange.

ChristiWampler September 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm

That’s the greatest story I’ve ever heard.

MODG September 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm

I read this late last night and thought I dreamed it. Turns out here it is.

Rachel September 11, 2011 at 9:41 am

The sheep is on the up-and-up. He goes home today. However, our debates about my vag and butthole and being bent over all the time are still continuing. I am determined to win this one. No husband should win a conversation about my vag.

And, MODG, if you lived in Kansas your dreams could become reality. This could be your life all.the.effing.time.
A post about the sheep (and other dream-like events from my life) are on my blog. :) And, you’ve made my day by replying to me. I’ve never had a “pseudo-conversation” with a famous Asian reverend (cross that off my bucket list).

KailiReynolds September 10, 2011 at 12:05 am

i’m 100% postitive that if that picture had a voice it would be marge simpson’s sister… that smokey cougar who’s always drunk.

Amanda September 10, 2011 at 1:11 am

So sorry for your hole issues… But thank you so much for making me laugh so hard I nearly (and by nearly I mean did) pee myself. You are the best.

Andrea September 10, 2011 at 3:04 am

Ooooohhh MY GOD!! The cervix drawing is seriously SO EFFING hiLARious. I would totes buy that if you put it on a mug. This is the only blog I follow…MODG you are the best!!!! Keep it real.

ZDub September 10, 2011 at 3:46 am

While I am sorry for your cranky vag, I can’t say I’m 100% surprised.

Also, I have pink eye. I wish I could be more sympathetic.

Tell your vag to cut down on the smokes, no one likes a vag with black lung.

(I just like typing VAG)

MODG September 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm

I can whip you up a monogram shirt with that shit on it right quick

JM September 10, 2011 at 7:33 am

MODG, I’m an OB/GYN and have to say you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. Low estrogen levels are totally normal while nursing (I should know, I am right now!) and if it doesn’t cause you any issues (pain with intercourse etc) than you don’t need to use any creams/pills/voodoo. If you are having pain with exams or sex it may also be related to your pelvic floor muscles (inability to relax them without your being aware of it), which could certainly be related to the birth trauma it sounds like you unfortunately went through. That can be assessed and helped with things like physical therapy if it was bothering you enough. Good luck my dear. Don’t worry, your cervix will get her s*it together soon!

ed September 11, 2011 at 12:46 am

Heehee, first of all you said “intercourse”. And MODG, you graduated therapy and now your vag needs therapy, that’s too funny! But really, I think you should take your vagina to physical therapy. That would be great to say, “yeah, gotta go to my physical therapy appt today, (for my vagina). Didn’t know there was such a thing. Does insurance cover it?

JM September 11, 2011 at 10:51 am

Usually insurance covers it, yep! It’s called pelvic floor therapy. Trust me, in my line of business I’ve learned all SORTS of words for ‘intercourse’ but I try to use my big girl words in mixed company ;) hehe

Jenn Y September 10, 2011 at 8:55 am

You crack me up! That picture is hilarious! In all seriousness, I’m sorry about your cervix. But I can tell you from experience (I am neither MW or OBGYN, just a SAHM of 2) that it’s normal. I have bf both of my children (currently bfing my 8mth old as I type this), and I have experienced the same thing. It in no way impacted my fertility either (as prior comment asked)-I got pg with our son while bfing my daughter who was 14mths old at the time, and bfing has made my girl parts all wonky too.

Your blog is the only one that I follow. I find myself checking every day for an update, and if there isn’t one in the morning I check in religiously over the course of the day to see if there is a new post.Thank you for bringing important (and sometimes not important) subjects to the masses, and presenting them with a good laugh.

Sending hippie dancing sparkly hearts to your old hag cervix.

Claire September 10, 2011 at 9:39 am

OHH yes I can!! I would say having an IUD that I had installed last week was “the awful”! Especially the part they call sounding. They have to stick a 900 foot rod thing into the holes all the way to the top and use some blue device thing that measures. It hurt like a bitch and I thought i was dying!! I got the IUD in the first place because of the bitch that is estrogen!! I guess I made too much of that bitch and on top of taking devil pills (BC PILLS) it was making my mind and body one hot mess! I am also the dentist hater but the day this midwife/gyno installed that device i hated her just as much!! Does anyone here have experience with coming off the devil pill and moody hell that follows????? When does the demon inside go away finally??? Estrogen and messing with it is one evil bitch of a time!!!

K.GIRL.HEY September 10, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I went off the pill because I didn’t trust it. I was nutso even tho I was taking the one that was supposed to “help” my pre-existing nutso-ness. Plus I thought it was a little too systematic to know that I was going to need to plug my vagina at 10:35 the morning of Sunday Bloody Sunday. But after slamming the door in Birth Control’s face, I went back to normal rather quickly, within a few months I’d say…except that I still have a 2- or 3-day span of deeply-rooted man hate that rears it’s ugly head about 4 days before raggin’ it. And it’s like clockwork. The bf swears it.

The only pitfall I’ve had after quitting BC is that my sweet little vag dried up like astronaut food. I still don’t know if it is reversible….BC is death. ‘Nuff said.

eileen marie September 10, 2011 at 10:17 am

Sorry for your troubles! At least you have a sense of humor about it all. I also will be going through the motions of “hole week” (kind of like Shark Week) during Fall Intercession. (It’s what they call Spring Break in Oct. at hideous year-round schools.) This post, though, made me LOL (how often do you get to type those letters and MEAN IT?!) I was having some um discomfort during um you know intimate encounters, so I had the OB/GYN take a look-see. Oh yes, my uterus is tilted -causes pain during sex and will hurt my back when I get pregnant. Oh, and they can right it, but it’ll just slip back to the way it was. I feel my body has gotten way weirder since I hit 30.

Claire September 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm

TOTALLY AGREE! I am 30 and things have changed. Is it only downhill from here?!

ed September 11, 2011 at 12:50 am

Yes.

eileen marie September 10, 2011 at 10:36 am

PS: It did not go unappreciated that has say “programs” instead of “shows”.
*Sign me up for some Hag Vag flair!*

Jena September 10, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I agree with JM, I was having “the awful” during exams and during intercourse for quite awhile after giving birth. Turns out that my vajayjay was doing the thinking for me at those times, as in “no freaking way are you putting anything inside me, this girl needs a rest”, totally unable to relax. Now, before any inserting of any kind happens (even tampons…yes, I was one of those “got my period while breastfeeding” girls), I have to do a whole deep breathing routine and willfully relax my pelvic muscles (just like good ol’ momma-of-midwife-hippes Ina May taught us in her Guide to Childbirth book…remember the sphincter rule?). Also, particularly to the intercourse part, if it IS hurting, try using a shit ton of lube. And by shit ton, I mean really a lot, more than you think you need, reapplied a couple times. Because I’m guessing that not only is your vagina an angry old broad….she’s also got dry skin.

at least i'm skinny September 10, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Holy Moly. Best picture ever.

Lindsey Ensley September 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Love your blog. Good luck with your holes!

JJ September 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Can anyone explain to me why a 30 something should be given progesterone daily?? Is this happy hormone rumor true…if so I will start to OD on this shit! I was given bio-identical troche?? Anyone under 45 here know of this???

crunchyoklahoma September 10, 2011 at 5:57 pm

That rendering of a cervix might be the best drawing I have ever seen here and that is definitely saying something. Hope you get your holes back in good order soon!

Emily September 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Your cervix looks like she watches QVC and her favorite night is when that Quacker Factory lady is there wearing her headband and selling her beautiful bedazzled seasonal jumpsuits.
Don’t act like you aren’t familiar with Quacker Factory. Any new mom has been sucked into watching that woman at some point during a baby on the boob marathon.

Ryan September 11, 2011 at 12:24 am

I couldn’t be less interested in your ham wallet….but in skimming this, one thing did jump out at me…and…

I CALL DIBS ON YOUR DEAD BODY!

K.GIRL.HEY September 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I sat in silence for a long while after reading this.

*crickets chirping*

Ryan September 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Well, she did offer it up. And what better souvenir for a MODG fan? I mean, a Milk Wars mug is cute and all…but actually having MODG? Win.

Elizabeth September 14, 2011 at 12:29 am

Oh Ryan, ham wallet!!!!! AND dibs. I’m rolling. Your comments are always perfect.

Jessi September 11, 2011 at 11:25 am

Good times. You crack me up, lady.

Jen September 11, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Hi MODG, first time comment here. I feel for you, I also had a frigid vagina for quite a while from breastfeeding my son. The pain. The fire. The sad husband. I kept going back to the doctor to get steroid shots to break up scar tissue because that is what she said the problem was. But really, it took a second opinion from a 65 year old male OBGYN to tell me that my vagina appeared as mature and ready for sex as an 8 year olds (his words, not mine). Although you didn’t elaborate that this is causing major problem in the romance department, I will just mention two words in case this helps…..olive oil. That is all. It took me 15 months of painful attempts to mmmmhhmmm and one crying husband to figure that out, but we’ve been good as gold since. Except now my son is over 2 and still nursing and we haven’t been able to get pregnant because my parts are apparently inhospitable to a fertilized egg so I’m trying to figure out what pantry item will fix that. *I am betting on apple cider vinegar it cures almost everything*

Jasmine September 11, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I don’t think that I have laughed that hard in a long time. While I am not laughing at your medical issues and I hope they get resolved quickly. Your description of medical issues and your thoughts about them were HYSTERICAL!!! You are so funny.

Danielle D. September 12, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Damn. Just when you think you’re ready to bring sexy back, you discover your vagina has aged a decade and never bothered to inform you. Figures. Hang in there!!

Cortnie September 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Kill your vagina with kindness.

xo
cortnie

K.GIRL.HEY September 12, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Sooo…totally off subject here, but you know how a while ago you posted a very graphic pic of your toilet covered in B’s pee/fluids? At the time I thought it was a build up from like, a month without a scrubbin. But no.

I saw it.

I saw it h a p p e n.

My bf calls it sexpee. Apparently it’s hard to control the direction of flow after doin’ it. Like there’s a “plug” (gag me) and it just kinda shoots out every whichway and all different flow speeds. It was horrific. And yes, he cleaned up.

Just thought you’d like to know what I witnessed…maybe that means your toilet looked like that cuz B likes to sex you up cuz you’re famous.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Boo to having an old bag for a cervix! After I stopped breastfeeding my son a few months ago my hair started falling out and much like how erosion creates a new shoreline my postpartum hair loss created a whole new hairline for me. Yuck.

kate September 13, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Totally did a spit-take at my desk when I saw that picture. Freaking hilarious

Mari September 21, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Oh, my Lord. You. Are. Hilarious. Your cervix looks like my gran. ‘Retreating? Where on earth could it go?’ Lollerballs. You’re brilliant.

Annie C. September 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm

SO! Maybe I’m super late to this party, but just in case you read this comment….this happened to me! I waited the requisite 6 weeks post partum before trying to get it on with my husband, and pretty much just the tip felt like he was trying to stab my vajay with a knife. I went to the OB and told him what happened, and at first he was all, “Well, it will hurt the first time–you look healed to me,” and I was like, “NO. You do not understand. I did not even curse or break a sweat during childbirth. But trying to have sex hurt so bad that if this happened to everyone, no one would ever have siblings. Ever.” Then he checked further and figured out that I had the estrogen problem from nursing (which, incidentally, my body made so much milk that I lost a zillion pounds and I could have nursed 5 other babies plus my own). I had to insert an estrogen cream up there for a week and then try again. It worked, thank goodness.

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