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We’re using the comment section as a petition today. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES. no…not that one.

September 5, 2011

I just got back from the dentist and I’m here to report he’s still a giant bag of dicks.

Sorry dentists and mom.

This is goddamn 2011 and we voluntarily lay down to be stabbed in the mouth over and over with a pirate hook until we stumble away bloody and beaten down and emotionally bruised. I will not stand for it anymore.

So I had to leave G the other day for like the 5th time ever in my life and it was to go to the mouth raping dentist. I’m not someone who necessarily fears the dentist, but I am someone who feels as though it’s only fair that I at least be given a weapon to fight back with. They get that pirate hook and even an armor mask in case I *do* fight back. I’m given nothing except a blood bib and the light of a blinding sun in my face.

Let me rewind for you to 1987. A 6 year old MODG really likes candy. She maybe hoarded candy for multiple halloweens. She maybe fed her pubescent insecurities with Sprees. Her parents were just happy that she was eating, albeit a diet of snickers and red dye 43. Things are different today. Totally different. I mean I’m a grown woman with no time for twizzlers or cereal marshmallows. *back down B, I don’t need your judgement too*

Eventually I got my act together and developed good dental hygiene practices. I brush with a vibrating toothbrush. I use the extra burny mouthwash and a prayer. But I’m going to be straight up honest with you: I don’t really floss. GASP. Oh please…. If you tell me you floss, you are a liar who deserves to be pirate hooked in the gums with the rest of us non flossers. I floss when I have shit in my teeth. I don’t floss when I’m right in the middle of RHONY and half a bottle of pinot in. Go ahead judge me. JOIN THE DENTIST.

See, when you go to the dentist, there’s no lying. So you might as well just come clean now. They all know and they all talk about you. Of all the members of the medical profession, they have the most psychic powers. Even my OBGYN can’t read tarot cards out of my vagina like a dentist can in my mouth. All they have to do is STAB STAB STAB you in the mouth and if you bleed?? THEY KNOW.  They just know and you can be like:

umm umm well, I’m a bleeder.

But that’s really all you got in your arsenal…

if dentists were smart, they'd get in on this blood being sexy thing. It's a real marketing angle if you ask me.

Really, you’ve got nothing. Because if you bleed they judge. You can get captured as a spy in Iraq, tortured for information, lashed and whipped for weeks, starved and fed to rabid dogs but at least they don’t judge you when you bleed. I CAN NOT SAY THE SAME FOR YOU DENTISTS OUT THERE. They picture you at home all lazy and dirty and smelly and hairy. You don’t shave your pits, you don’t brush your hair, you don’t use soap and you definitely DON’T BRUSH YOUR TEETH. And then they talk about it.

“So Amanda has 3 ATR’s in her upper RFD’s. It looks like a big DSB in the right quadrant. She’s going to need 4 TRF’s. Sigh…”

And you’re like, SERIOUSLY? You just bled me out torture style, then judged me and now you’re talking about it in code. AND I’M PAYING FOR THIS.

As I glared up all vulnerable in that chair from 1965 into the reflective surface of my assailants riot mask, all I see is the mouth of Edward Cullen after a full breakfast. I think, this is not right. I should be in some spa, given a massage and drugs while tiny angels massage the tartar away from my gums through the power of song and sunshine. I mean we have laser discs and American Idol. Join 2011 dentists.

So yes, I have a cavity. And yes I’m pissed about it. And yes I was like B, dentists are assholes, right?  And he was like, so you’ll deal with this by blogging about it, right?

everyone who tries to read my mind can bite me.

And bleed.


Be honest: You don’t floss. Let’s start a petition for dentists to be less assholey. Sign your name in the comments. I’m bringing it to my next appointment.



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  • Caitlin September 5, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Lazy assholes who refuse to floss, UNITE!

  • KB September 5, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    I never floss EVER. My husband and I actually had a talk with our five year old about this the other day. She was like- “Dr. Bob told me that I have to floss every night when I brush. How come we never do it?” We were like- “Oh sweet girl, we don’t do that at our house. Sorry.”

    Flossing is for weak people. I’ll take that pirate hook and creepy mirror on a stick and bleed like a stuck pig, but I will NOT FLOSS.

  • Amber September 5, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    I don’t floss either. And it’s so true!! They know everything!

  • jen September 5, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    i floss for about two weeks after i come back from the dentist and two weeks before. somehow they still know that i slack majorly in all those other months. divinations must be a mandatory class in dentistry school.

    • Stephanie September 6, 2011 at 10:02 am

      I do the same thing, especially the two weeks before. Like those two weeks are going to make a difference on six months of neglect. That means I floss for like 8 weeks out of each year. Except that time I had a root canal. I flossed for like three months straight after that, cause it hurt like a bitch and I thought “I’m never going through that again”. And then I forgot about all the pain and money spent and went back to pre appointment panic maintenance.

      • Katy September 6, 2011 at 12:31 pm

        Ha, I was just going to admit the same thing.

  • Sarah vL September 5, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    LAWRTF (Lazy Assholes Who Refuse To Floss) petition SIGNED.

  • andrea September 5, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    I’m being honest…..don’t beat me…I LOVE to floss….i’m addicted to it. Its like crack to me. however, I hate to brush my teeth before bed. weird right? I have to brush them first thing when I wake up, but its a chore I do 62% of the time before bed, and never if my husband is already asleep.

    • Rae September 5, 2011 at 11:10 pm

      Me too. It is a new obsession. I had a horrifying dental experience akin to the latest MODG post, but worse, so I started flossing. I do it while I watch TV and then I sometimes leave the floss on the coffee table. Now, If I feel that there is even a hint of ANYTHING possibly in my teeth, I floss. Sometimes twice a day (like today). It’s getting weird considering I NEVER flossed probably even once from the years 1985-2009.

      • Andrea September 6, 2011 at 7:36 pm

        I floss and while wartching tv too!!! I use the reach sticks and also leave them lying around! Haha

    • Steph September 6, 2011 at 7:41 pm

      Holy shit…I hate brushing before bed too. It’s horrible!!!! But, I do floss.

      • Tichelle September 7, 2011 at 6:19 am

        Ladies, i’m right there with you. flossing = life. brushing before bed = eh not so much. my dentist told me if i didn’t floss my teeth for like 2 weeks then flossed and SMELLED the string i would be hooked. oh, and PLEASE believe i’ve been scared straight!! i’m terrified of odors and smells and REFUSE to be that person that everyone talks to from a distance, or with their nose covered by their hand. you know that person. not i said the cat. therefore, modg, sorry homey i can’t sign.

  • Bree September 5, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    I don’t floss, I get fussed at when I go to the dentist, i go to the store and buy floss, use it once…then don’t floss again. I hate the dentist. My husband is the dentist’s pet! He got fussed at one time by our dentist for not flossing…and now he brushes, flosses, mouthwashes and even uses that nasty tongue scrapper thing that makes me want to gag everytime I even think about using it. What overachieving, dentist butt licker!

  • Katie September 5, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    you know, i stuck to the advice of my dentist at one point in time. i flossed for like a couple weeks straight! and then one night i didn’t, and my teeth hurt. i had to get up out of bed to floss them so they felt better. ugh. then the next night i skipped flossing again, my teeth hurt again. but i sucked it up, ignored the pain and haven’t flossed since :)

    consider your petition signed!

  • Heather September 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Don’t hate me MODG but I floss – daily. Sometimes more than once – GASP! It’s only because I have gaps in between my grill where food likes to get trapped & it drives me crazy. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t bother. Please don’t hate.

  • Sara September 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    So… I was at the dentist office about 2 months ago… I floss ALL the time (and by all the time, I mean… right before I go to the dentist). I show up with swollen and sore gums, only to be beaten to death with the “pirate hook”. She’s digging around, with no success of finding ANY crud on my teeth… when all of a sudden… she hits a sensitive spot… and I ACTUALLY BIT HER. If that wasn’t enough… she decided it was time for a break and she sprays water in my mouth and right before she sticks in the suction thing… I choke on the water she sprayed at the back of my throat and spit all over her Darth Vader mask (yes i had to google the correct spelling). Now THAT is what i call revenge on the dentist. Let’s make sure she’s watching out for my next appointment…

    • Lauren September 6, 2011 at 9:46 am

      I just died laughing reading this! I always over brush and floss the day of my appointment. One time I brushed so hard I had the dental equivalent of rug burn on the gums. I know the dentist was judging me.

  • Meghan September 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Love going to the dentist, but I never floss ever. Get yourself a dentist with TVs on the ceiling. Watching RHONJ while you get mouth stabbed is pretty legit.

  • Jenifer Bement September 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    I floss every day and I still got a MFing cavity. And when my pretty perky blonde dentist filled it at 8 am she insulted my uvula saying it was small and abnormally shaped. So not until does good oral hygiene still lead to cavities it also leads to uvula insults. (And it’s uvula not vulva like many of my friends misread. Because if your dentist is looking at your vulva during a cleaning … well …)

  • lala September 5, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Thanks Sarah vL. I love a good acronym. LAWRTF, that’d be me. I have an appointment with the damn dentist at the end of the month. We’ll see what kind of havoc pregnancy wreaked on my mouth. Blerg.

  • Deanna September 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    Dear Dentists,

    I’m am wholeheartedly behind MODG. I too want you to get with 2011 and upgrade your bull-shit. Please stop using pirate hooks they’re way too Jack Sparrow and he’s greezy.

    Additionally, I’m onto you. You suggest WAAAAY too many things just to get my insurance money and I’m not falling for it. I’m sure my fillings are fine, they aren’t bothering me, so NO I don’t want them replaced. I also realize you’re getting more money from me/my insurance by scheduling a pre-appointment instead of doing the xrays/exam together with the cleaning. You think you’re smart? No – you’re not. I figured you out and I’m going to go elsewhere!

    Thanks for listening Dentists.


    • Lisa September 6, 2011 at 11:51 am

      Yes! I swear my dentist is running a racket. Except my teeth are nearly perfect so he can’t get anything out of me (and now I’m going to get a cavity). When my husband goes he’s got this, that, and the other to fix, and oh we should do this, and $800 later he leaves. And the dentist keeps telling me to get my my top wisdom teeth removed (already had the bottom ones taken out ). I had 2 permanent teeth pulled when I was a teenager to make room for my beaver buck teeth, the wisdom teeth are fully in and causing no problems, why the hell would I get them yanked?

      • Sara September 6, 2011 at 6:30 pm

        Dude! Mine was $800 too! It IS a conspiracy!! He needed to replace my fillings and an old crown. Now my teeth hurt where he dicked with them. Everything was fine right where it was. Covered in tartar and plaque and all.

  • Domo September 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    I should floss more often bc my teeth suck. I get cleanings 3x a year to get the tartar scraped off and I bleed every time. I’ve heard that some places do sedation dentistry. My guess is that my insurance won’t cover it though….

    Hygenists are pretty judgey too. One actually said that I could have a miscarriage if I don’t floss. The next day (in tears… She didn’t know that this was my 3rd pregnancy, I had lost 2 already) I called and switched hygienists. Bitch.

  • julie s. September 5, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Consider this petition signed. Dentists are dickheads.

    But I do confess that I floss almost every day…long ago my parents convinced me that my teeth would all fall out by the time I was 30 if I didn’t floss. It’s just part of the routine. Why do I suddenly feel guilty about flossing?

    • koreen September 5, 2011 at 10:58 pm

      I know, right? Well, don’t feel guilty. I’m there with you. I started flossing in my late 20’s when I got *gasp* gingivitis. So I’ve flossed ever since and everything is fine. Some people actually don’t seem to need to floss… my husband doesn’t and that drives me batshit because if I don’t I get all crazy and my gums hurt. But anyway, I floss and if you do, don’t feel guilty. Not all hygienists are of the devil and say the stupidest things — mine is the sweetest person I know.

      And by the way, MODG, thanks for amping up my dentist phobia… I have an appointment for a cleaning tomorrow and I’m already nervous. No sparkle hearts for you!

      Okay, just kidding. After what you went through today, you can have one sparkle heart.

      • julie s. September 5, 2011 at 11:03 pm

        ha! My husband rarely flosses, and it drives me completely batshit, too! But then he gets cavities…and he’s terrified of the dentist to begin with…and I just laugh and laugh at his agony. :)

  • MrsE September 5, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Yeah… we don’t floss either… unless a rabid, evil piece of meaty goodness has taken up camp between two molars…

  • Erica September 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    I don’t floss. I try to make it a habit. Every time I go to the dentist, I come home saying “I’m going to start flossing daily.” I floss that night and maybe the following day and then I forget after that. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t floss and thinks dentists are evil.

  • Lacy September 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    I don’t floss, and I don’t care if my judgy dentist knows…. but it DOES help that he is my Dad’s best friend… so I know plenty about him, so he doesn’t really have room to judge.

    fun fact… even though he has been my dad’s bestie since about preschool, I still refer to him as Doctor Jeff… have my whole life!

  • colleen September 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    i despise the dentist. i’ve told him multiple times to his face that i hate him. and my one here in nyc is the worst. it’s like he takes a friggin’ sledgehammer to my mouth every time. i usually floss only the week before i go see him. never does me any good. shocker.

  • E @ Oh! Apostrophe September 5, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    (what does that even mean)

    I hate the dentist. I hate flossing. I haven’t been in like 5 years. It’s my last hold-out in the refusing to accept adulthood category. I am going to be so annoyed when I do go and have 12 cavities that I will probably take another 5 year vacation from the dentist.

    Also- judging by bachelor pad Blake, dentists are not just jerks, they are slutty jerks. DON’T JUDGE ME, SLUTTY JERKS.

  • Annie September 5, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    I don’t floss and I seriously question anyone show says that they do on a regular basis. I fully support you MODG.

  • g-unit September 5, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    I always want to make myself floss so I can be a good girl, but I NEVER do. Ever. I never get bits in my teeth. I’m immune.

    And apple pucker and appletinis don’t help this mouth of mine, either. I also have an obsession with Trolli Squiggles (best gummi worm ever). I won’t give them up, but I also have a vibrating toothbrush and major mouthwash.

    Dentists are the devil.

  • Brittany September 5, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    What is this “floss” thing you speak of??

    • Deanna September 6, 2011 at 1:14 pm


  • Whit September 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    I hate flossing. I hate the dentist. As an above commenter said, I floss the two weeks before a cleaning and the two weeks after.
    Then this past appointment they threw a wrench in everything. I’d been having some pain on one of my molars, which I feared was a cavity. No, it was from a spot where my gums were receding and it was super sensitive. So they tell me I have to use ACT mouthwash and super-sensitivity toothpaste.
    And this irritated me because I switched dentists in 2008. The dentist I had all my life always told me I never brushed hard enough. Now this dentist tells me I brush too hard and that’s why my gums are mangled…or whatever.
    But I still don’t floss a lot.
    Fuck it.

  • Liz September 5, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    The only time I remember that I’m supposed to be flossing is when I get the reminder call a week ahead of the appointment. And then I try to floss extra to toughen up the gums so they won’t know. And yet they always do. Flossing is DUMB!! I didn’t and it took me 25 years to get a cavity. And that’s because I was lazy and missed some cleanings. I’ll be paying for that for a while. But dentist, don’t lie. It had nothing to do with flossing.

  • Kelsey September 5, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    I can not STAND flossing…. not to mention I have enough other things to do before I go to bed between teeth and face. At least you only had one cavity though…. I have A LOT more (bad teeth run in the family, even for those who do floss). I don’t go to the dentist till I absolutely cant stand how much my teeth hurt just because I hate the judging.

  • Carrie September 5, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    I do not floss. I had four cavities at my first appt after my son was born. The dentist said that pregnancy really fucks with your teeth. I do have a solution to the blinding light problem. I always wear my giant dark sunglasses. It makes it so much more pleasant, when I don’t have to squint like an idiot the entire time.

  • Megan U. September 5, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    i hope all dentists burn! last time i went, the bitch just kept right on drilling on my poor tooth while im literally crying and begging her to stop through all of the drool dribbling out of the corner of my mouth. did she have the decency to stop and ask if shes hurting me…..NO! SHE DOESNT EVEN WIPE THE DROOL OFF!! can you send this petition to texas?? my teeth would appreciate it :)

    • megan U. September 5, 2011 at 11:36 pm

      ps i love your skillz with paint because you look absolutely terrified!!

  • Alyssa September 5, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    After a particularly brutal root canal, my husband became a faithful flosser. He uses this – – on a nightly basis. I have one too. But I use it only when my guilt poureth over from watching him floss every night. I must admit, they do make the process much easier.

    • julie s. September 6, 2011 at 9:48 pm

      I bought my husband one of those, too! I think he flosses once every couple of weeks now, instead of once every 6 months right before a cleaning.

  • Krista September 5, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Haha! So true. Since staying home with my kids I’m lucky if I brush twice a day. The only time I religiously flossed was when I went to the dentist early in my first pregnancy. He told me all this stuff about how Important it was to have a clean mouth with a little baby around and how they can actually benefit from my use of flouride. I was doing it all: pre-rinse, brush, floss, flouride rinse…twice a day. Now I floss right before I go to the dentist and that’s it. I always just come out with it right away since they always know. My teeth are great. My husband flosses constantly (and leaves used floss lying around – gross) and his teeth are always giving him problems. And dentists with tvs above the chair are the best. If they don’t have magic yet at least they can offer some kind of distraction.

  • Christina September 5, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    My sister was engaged to a dentist..who chewed *tobacco* whiled he worked on people..and would negotiate dental work for shots at the bar and BJ’s(found that out to late)..They all suck..every last one of those bastards sucks donkey balls.

  • Kelly K. September 5, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    First off: no, I never floss. But second, OMG! I hate the “code”. I had some dental problems a while back (several micro-cavities, brought on by not enough calcium intake). it was like listening to a whole list of “DM’s on the upper left, number 5” and whatnot. And of course the obligatory sigh.

    My worst experience was just a month ago. The last tooth I needed work on was a wisdom tooth, that my dentist decided didn’t need to be taken out, but had a cavity. She gives me the shot to numb me up. A while later she starts drilling, then HOLY HELL the pain!! She proceeds to try another shot, still feeling it….and another shot, still feels like she’s drilling into my brain…and another shot. After 4 shots I still could feel the drilling. So I had to come back another day, to try again with different meds. Keep in mind that the entire right side of my face from my eyebrow to my chin is completely numb and sagging…hot. So I go back again and with the new meds, we still have to do 4 more shots before she can drill. And I STILL felt it slightly! But by that point I just wanted that shit over with, so I lied and said it was fine.

    At least now I’m done with all the work and I can go back to normal, twice a year stabbings.

    • Ritchie King November 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm

      Hey Kelly K. and everybody else,

      I’m reporter and I’m working on a story about “micro-cavities.” Anybody here have an “micro-cavity experience where they got them filled?


  • Rachel @ Running Backwards in High Heels September 5, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    I don’t floss. Flossing is for dentists and assholes. Also.. I had to read this post in small doses because I was laughing so hard the tears were clouding my vision.

  • Tesla September 5, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    Call me crazy but I love the dentist and I’ve had quite a few trips. Just to *hopefully* give you a little chuckle, I’ll tell you the story about my fake front tooth.

    So I was in the Walmart store with my friend Megan and we were walking out. At the same time we were also playing around and bumping hips. So we’re right at the entrance of the store where they have the shelves going against the wall and the flower thing at the end. Yeah, so I bump hips with her, not hard, just normal and what does she do? She decides to ram hips with me… which in turn sends me flying toward the shelf where my tooth comes in contact with the metal shelf. I blacked out, got a super duper headache and then blood started pouring. My front tooth was pretty much gone, but my tooth mark is still on that shelf to this day. Anyway, so the next day I had to go to the dentist right. First, I had to have a root canal. Then, I had to wait like a week, with a broke hillbilly looking tooth before I went back for my crown, which I had to go back again for because the first one they cast didn’t fit right. Finally, I got my new tooth…. I’m just glad I already had my braces off. Oh yeah, I had those too and my orthodontist was a prude, stuck up, ugly, fake, nasty bitch. I hated her, but I loved the braces…. I think some screws might be loose?

  • Michelle B September 5, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    YES! Dentists ARE evil! Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors is spot-on…they have a talent for causing things pain! Also, I have crooked teeth and weak enamel, so dentists basically take one look at me and think “$$ CHA-CHING $$!” They suck. A lot.

    So, I hate dentists and don’t want to make them richer. I hate flossing too, but this makes it slightly less evil. Now, I floss maybe 5-6x a week. And it works well for my 4 year old, too. Husband…still not so much.

    It’s not exactly one of my “favorite things,” but it does make those dental visits slightly less heinous!

  • Michelle B September 6, 2011 at 12:00 am

    I have crooked teeth and weak enamel, so dentists basically take one look at me and think “$$ CHA-CHING $$!” They suck. A So, I hate dentists and don’t want to make them richer. I hate flossing too, but this makes it slightly less evil. Now, I floss maybe 5-6x a week. And it works well for my 4 year old, too. Husband…still not so much.

    It’s not exactly one of my “favorite things,” but it does make those dental visits slightly less heinous!

  • kate September 6, 2011 at 12:01 am

    I hate my dentist. Every time, it goes like this: dentist manages to tear both corners of my mouth and says,’this is what you get for not eating enough vegetables.’. Really?? I actually eat a lot of vegetables, and somehow only you make my mouth bleed, jerk…

  • Meg September 6, 2011 at 12:13 am

    I don’t floss. I’m usually in the same predicament- half a bottle of merlot down and blogs to read or rhonj to watch. I actually hate wasting time flossing. My SIL she’s a flosser. It gets me every time whenever we are in a sleepover situation I have to take at least 5 minutes to discuss how bizarre it is. She foes however have beautiful teeth.

  • Shellie September 6, 2011 at 12:28 am

    Ever since paying $5,000 to get my crazy crooked goblin teeth straightened, I floss and waterpik daily, and I totally love it. Sorry!

  • ashlie September 6, 2011 at 12:33 am

    I once got into an argument with my dental hygenist. She told me I needed to floss more. I told her I can’t because I have an irrational fear that the floss will get caught between my teeth and pull my teeth out. She told me this was impossible. I beg to differ.

  • L September 6, 2011 at 12:56 am

    MODG! probably one of my favorite MS Paint pictures you’ve done, you totally got the dentist tools right and everything. One more to sign your petition, floss is a waste of money. I am forever traumatized by dental xrays, biting down on those stupid paper things is the worst thing in the world. If I had to choose between a dental checkup or getting my wisdom teeth out again, I’d choose the wisdom teeth because ice cream and mashed potatoes is pretty much the best diet ever. Im always amazed that I dont have cavities because I dont have the best ‘teeth habits’. Too much candy and I used to be a gross little kid and tell my mom I brushed my teeth when I hadnt (confession Fri?) So if it can happen to you, it can hapen to anyone! Now Im all scared that one day I might break my no cavity streak. Is it as bad at it sounds?! Tell me so I can start flossing, ha! 😉

    • Megan U. September 6, 2011 at 1:21 am

      i totally agree with you…and you cant forget the awesome pills you get afterward :)))

  • Sarah September 6, 2011 at 1:08 am

    I thought flossing was something gangsters and g units did? hmm.

  • Kari September 6, 2011 at 1:11 am

    Dentist is fine… it’s the hygienist who comes at you with the hooks. I have good teeth and use those little floss pick things and STILL it feels horrible… some are better than others though. I bit one once too… that’s what they get for stabbing you in the mouth and having you sit there for so long with your mouth wide open, it’s not natural…

  • Ivy September 6, 2011 at 1:21 am

    You know what I hate? When the dentist says, “Oh dear, you’ve got some bleeding…” Well, how are my gums not going to bleed when they’re effing digging around with the pirate hook??? I mean really? But all joking aside, as much as I hate flossing, I am now a devotee, but only because I have some seriously effed up gums. My teeth are awesome and cavity free, but the gums are so bad I’ve had to spend some major $$$ to make them better and hopefully prevent my teeth from falling out. You think the dentist is bad, wait ’til you have to make a visit to his eviler cousin, the periodontist.

  • brittany September 6, 2011 at 1:34 am

    i never floss. never. oh and i went like 5 years without going to the dentist. sorry! i was busy going to college and stuff! and guess what else? i’m aaaa-okay! and they have less of my $$ :)

  • K.GIRL.HEY September 6, 2011 at 1:39 am

    *name signed*

    I think it’s mean to have a “no-cavity club” too. Just sayin.

  • Lin September 6, 2011 at 2:05 am

    Being a new mom, I am lucky to get my teeth brushed. I’d rather read MODG than floss with my little amount of free time anyways. Much more enjoyable.

  • Rachael September 6, 2011 at 2:34 am

    DUDE! I was embarrassed because I had 3 cavities last time. My dentist noticed and said “no worries!” and showed me his mouth full of metal. Then he smiled at me and said “I have a sweet tooth.” I will never go to another dentist again.

    So I’m signing the petition to say more dentists should be like my nice new dentist. I have been to many who aren’t like him and they should be fired! All of them!

  • Missy September 6, 2011 at 2:58 am

    ughhhh why why are dentists so horrible? how do they sleep at night? i just wrote a blog post about this not long ago, seriously, from my past experience i am ALWAYS going to get a second opinon about getting fillings from now on. as my dad would say…THEY JUST WANT MY MONEY MY TEETH ARE FINE!

  • Kat September 6, 2011 at 4:32 am

    Petition signed. I hate the dentist with all of my heart. Every time I go it costs me at least $500, it always takes 3+ shots and I still can usually feel the drilling, and I think I only have two molars left that don’t have crowns.

  • Nikki September 6, 2011 at 5:44 am

    I’ll be totally honest. I floss maybeeee about 40% of the time? My hygienist (generally the ones who actually clean your teeth are hygienists) is pretty nice, and she laid down the consequences of not flossing. But that still can’t motivate me to floss. I am 120% convinced it makes my gums more sensitive :\ and I’m lazy.

  • my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you September 6, 2011 at 7:17 am

    i floss once, maybe twice a week TOPS!. and i am judged right here in my own house by my husband.

  • Erin September 6, 2011 at 7:17 am

    OMG I love you. No I do not floss. Yes I hate the dentist. Best. Post. Ever.

  • Beckles September 6, 2011 at 7:40 am

    I *hated* my old dentist. He was such a douche. Literally yelled at me more than once. Like to clench my teeth all the way. I HAVE AN OPEN BITE ASSHOLE. Anyway. I like my new dentist. The other guy can burn in hell.

  • Vanessa September 6, 2011 at 7:50 am

    My husband is a faithful flosser. He tried to get me on the string train and I just laughed at him and made him buy me a fancy vibrating toothbrush. This is marital compromise at its finest.

    You did have one other card you could have pulled, though. Pregnant women and women who have babies under a year old really do have a higher chance of bleeding gums for no reason. I moved when I was still knocked up, so I got a new dentist, and the new guy was all reassuring to me when my gums started bleeding and told me this. I acted all surprised like my gums hadn’t bled at every dental appointment I’d ever had my whole life. He’ll figure me out come April 2012, but until then, I’m riding the extra hormone train to pirate hook sympathy.

  • Jamie @ See You There! September 6, 2011 at 8:36 am

    BAhahaha!!! I went through the very same CODE TALKING situation at my last dentist visit! I’m sitting there listening to them and thinking “are you gonna tell ME what’s going on???” Turned out I had 3 cavities :( Uggg at least they have little flat screens on swively arms attached to the ceiling so I can watch a distracting movie while they drill at my teeth… I swear they used a rotary cutter this time!! NO CLUE what that was. (I also only floss when I have food in my teeth. But now I’ve been told I need an expensive electric toothbrush and fluoride rinse. That was a month ago, still haven’t bought it.)

  • Julie September 6, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I used to never ever floss… not even before I went to the dentist. Then, I randomly started doing it a couple months ago and I am obsessed. I find some sort of strange satisfaction by getting the little bits out of my teeth night after night. It’s like a game to figure out which food I ate that the gunk came from. Nuts are the easiest because they are brown. I also am amazed that EVERY night there is stuff between my teeth…. even when I can’t see it or feel it.

    I also have heard that breastfeeding makes you mores susceptible to cavities because your body makes the milk out of the same composition of nutrients, so if you’re not consuming enough calcium then your body just takes it from the next readily available source… your teeth! I learned of this twisted phenomenon from a friend of mine who had to get a root canal three months after her first child.

  • jules September 6, 2011 at 9:02 am

    I was never a flosser and never had any cavities, but then I had one and it was horrible and I wasn’t numb when the dentist went to fill it and I jumped and he yelled at me and I cried. (For hours and hours, weird reaction to the novacain or something?) Then I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on invisiline. When you have invisiline you floss because you know the stuff is not ever coming out of your teeth if you don’t because they are surrounded in plastic. And then you’ve spent thousands on your teeth and you don’t want to F them up, and honestly, just like the other flossers have stated, once you start, you can’t stop. It’s crazy. I SWEAR my visits to the dentists are WAAAAY less painful now too. Also, the flosspik. It’s like $50 and awesome. It shoots water through your teeth and kind of feels like a massage for your gums. (Kind of.)

    Please don’t hate me. But honestly, I really only started after I spent my own money to straighten my teeth!

  • Me September 6, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Nope, don’t floss but I recently discovered this and am going to test it out.

  • KMW September 6, 2011 at 9:11 am

    My name is KMW and I am anti-dentite. Just like that Seinfeld episode where someone did something and… oh I don’t know. I just remember the quote.

    Dentists are assholes.

  • NSC September 6, 2011 at 9:11 am


    So I got my tongue pierced a couple years ago (its gone now, dentist never knew I had it for those painful 3 months). When you do that, you have to rinse with listerine ALL THE TIME. After every meal, if you smoke- after you smoke, if y ou drink liquid, after you drink liquid…you get the idea. So, for like 2 months straight, I rinsed with that crap….AND MY GUMS IMPROVED!!! NO FLOSSING!

    My last visit, whatever, a year and a half after I took the ring out and had STOPPED using the poison water listerine, they said my gums had improved. Way better than the appointment before the piercing….

    Moral of the story…be a freak about fresh breath and use listerine.

    • NSC September 6, 2011 at 9:13 am

      Oh, and they just assumed I was flossing all the time, I should mention. Because my gums were so pretty and not bleeding like they always used to. :)

  • Agent Scully September 6, 2011 at 9:31 am

    I love my dentist. And I LOVE TO FLOSS! For realisies. I floss every morning. And I have floss in my desk at work to use right after lunch. And I carry floss in my purse. Love, love, LOVE IT.

    It takes 10 seconds. Just do it.

  • caroline September 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Hate flossing…but i have bad gums, so I have to. If you think a dentist is mean and judgey, try a periodontist. EVEN WORSE.

    Check these out, they are way better than normal flossing, and you never have to cut the circulation off in your pointer finger to effectively use it. It’s this lazy girl’s way to half-assed flossing

    You don’t have to spend $48 on a case of em… that’s just the first link I could find. Happy lazy flossing.

  • betty September 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

    okay call me an @sshole–i floss religiously. and I do the full 2 minutes with my sonicare morning and night (30 seconds on each quadrant of my mouth of course) and then i will usually follow up with a full on Listerine rinse. oh and i’m also that asshat who brings a toothbrush to work to brush after lunch. i will admit to being a little OCD, but i really don’t consider it so much of an @sshole-y thing. For me it is more of a vanity-thing.

    because guess what folks, once you settle into your 30s, you’ll notice that your teeth are like every other part of your body. they are not as shiny, straight and young-looking they were just a few years ago. Trust me on this one, ladies. It really is a little shocking once you take notice of it. And when you have bad breath, it’s a little bit stinkier than it was before (totally true–Tina Fey even mentioned this in Bossypants). You know how some people say that can tell how young a woman really is or how well she takes care of herself by looking at the skin on her neck? The same goes for the teeth. Like crows feet or a saggy bum, I know old-looking teeth are probably inevitable but i will do anything to put that off for as long as I can. Find a dentist who will give you xanax beforehand and just suck it up and go.

  • Lisa September 6, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I hate flossing. Makes my gums bleed and my teeth feel all out of whack. I know that would stop if I kept flossing, but I’m not going to make my gums bleed to get them to stop bleeding.

    My husband obsessively flosses his teeth. And then leaves the strings laying all over our house. Which is super-awesome when you have a 12-month-old who puts everything in his mouth.

  • Erin September 6, 2011 at 9:40 am

    My hygienist told me a trick, because I think he knows NO ONE REALLY FLOSSES. You can put a bit of Listerine on your toothbrush after you brush, then brush with that. I’ve been doing that and the dentist doesn’t bitch at me for not flossing.

  • Erica September 6, 2011 at 9:42 am

    I too am a Lazy Asshole that doesn’t floss…..I try to floss a day or so before going, then get all rebellious like “why do I have do what these people say? They don’t own me” then I get the Edward Cullen mouth…..

  • Robin @ Our Semi Organic Life September 6, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Don’t hate, but I do floss – a lot. My teeth are super small and spaced far apart so I can tell like the princess and the pea when something is in my teeth. Also I get a weird satisfaction when just after brushing you can still get so much more junk out of your mouth by flossing (think: I would have slept with this crap in my mouth hadn’t I flossed).

  • Amanda September 6, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I dont floss…. and I have an appointment in a couple weeks to go get judged by my dentist… I should start flossing now to avoid any side eye glances from the staff but I eh… we torture ourselves huh.

  • Mrs. Newlywed Giggles September 6, 2011 at 10:22 am

    I never floss and haven’t been to the dentist in YEARS…. I hate them, am afraid of them, they always hurt me. Ironically, I have a dentist appt next week and so dreading it. I will bring this petition along too.

  • Claire September 6, 2011 at 10:27 am

    I hate the dentist, i hate flossing. I avoid the dentist. I would rather have my vagina inspected and poked than go to the damn dentist. Even with insurance it cost to f-ing much! Speculum or dentist??? I will take vag doc every time.

  • Megan P September 6, 2011 at 10:32 am

    My husband is such a rule-follower – so I have to lie and shut the bathroom door and dance around instead of flossing so he thinks I’m flossing. I guess I could just floss.

  • Heather September 6, 2011 at 10:37 am

    This was me two weeks ago…..and now I’m back to happily not flossing and relying on Listerine to do that bloody job. Also- fiance did not go to the doctor or dentist in, oh I don’t know, TEN years and no damn cavities or ailments. Me? 1 missed visit and I’m dying. MF.

  • amy September 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Boy MODG~~that’s the furthest thing from a rockstar appointment ever!! YEESH. Must admit, I am a flosser, I use the little picks, the ones with the “C” shape thing a ma bob on the end with the floss already there, no sting pulling for me. I am a nurse at a hospital and I worry that I will have to go talk to a patient and have corn or meat or oregano or some other crap between my teeth. I have a bag in the bathroom at home, on my bedside stand, in my glove box (of both cars), in my locker at work, in my purse, in my~oh well, you get the idea. They are the best $1 investment you will make, ever!! When you are driving down the road or stuck in traffic, floss! It’s a one handed thing~try it, you might like it :) but then again, maybe not.

    But, I do agree~Dentists are judgy pricks!! They ask every time you go to the dentist just to see if you are a liar, jerks.
    Next time you go to the dentist, eat twizzlers all the way there, make them earn that $$ :)

  • Alex September 6, 2011 at 10:58 am

    I never floss. And I’ve never had a cavity in my 24 years of life.

    I’m definitely getting one now that I’ve said that.


    • Alex September 6, 2011 at 10:58 am

      And my dentist totally looks like a rapist.

  • Jen September 6, 2011 at 11:13 am

    i hate flossing. that is all.

  • Carrie September 6, 2011 at 11:42 am

    I also do not floss. The appointment before last I promised to put it in my car to make it more ‘accessible’. I did that once and something flung onto my windshield and that was that. I can handle smashed cheerios, rotten sippy cups of milk, and 700 gum wrappers in my car. But flossing shrapnel? no. So I was in last month and did what anybody would do and swore I’ve worked in 3 times per week since our last visit. lies.

  • Lorah September 6, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Oh wow! I am sorry most everyone’s dentist sucks! Mine is pretty awesome and all the hygienists are really nice and if they do hurt you they apologize.
    I floss regularly but my husband does not. He has freakin perfect teeth naturally and just brushes 2 times a day and NEVER EVER flosses. And what do they tell him? “Keep on doing what you are doing” So he gets flossed 2x a year. Thats it.
    So you can put my name on that petition. You need a better dentist lol!

  • Kate September 6, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Okay, this is gross but…I floss religiously because I lack the ability to swallow a pill whole. Seriously, it’s gross. Every night I take my three prenatal whole food organic vitamins by chewing them. They taste like a mixture of ass and nightmares. Then said ass-nightmare combo gets stuck in my teeth! That’s why I floss, to keep from puking.

  • Rebecca September 6, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Oooh, I hate the dentist. I have awful teeth (I blame weak enamel and British ancestry) and it seems like every time I go they diagnose something horrid. My last cleaning, I discovered I needed 3 cavities filled, a crown placed, and a wisdom tooth removed. And the code! You are so right about the code!

    I will share one thing with you for future dental treatments: ASK FOR LAUGHING GAS. Seriously. It’s not a trip to the spa but it is a trip and makes the whole thing so much better. I wish they would offer it for cleanings, too, but they are usually gracious enough to let you have it whenever you are getting a procedure involving numbing.

  • Meredith September 6, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    I didn’t know if I should comment because while I’m with you on the no flossing, I’ve never had a cavity in my life. My husband hates me for it. I do use mouthwash, but I spend such little time on my teeth that are thankfully straight and in his words ‘too perfect’ that I’m some strange freak show compared to him.

  • Ashleigh September 6, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I don’t floss. I read this last night before I went to sleep, big mistake. I had a crazy dream about going to the dentist where he poked at my gums and put testosterone on one of my teeth. The testosterone made me very disoriented and the receptionist was mean to me and I threatened to tell on her. When I got to the parking lot I noticed some very thug looking boys getting out of my car. They were bringing it back after taking it for a joy ride. I yelled at them and got in my car to leave and they got back in and closed the doors. I was still very disoriented but I was going to drive home anyway. The weird feeling in my head made me drive crazy which scared most of the thugs out of my car. The only one that stayed was the boy that played in the Dennis the Menace movie. More crazy stuff happened and I was thankful when my baby started crying and woke me up.

    P.S. I like you dentist’s green-olive-with-pimento eyes!

  • Rana September 6, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    My names Rana and I’m a half ass flosser. My husband is Navy and we just moved from Italy where the Dentist there said I should spit in babies mouths. Yeah let that settle in for a bit….hmmm what? I guess babies are born with out any bacteria in their mouths and who ever spit in them first that is the bacteria you have for life. Yes I have amazing mouth bacteria!! Still haven’t found anyone that will let me spit in their babies mouth =(. My new Dentist in Washington is crazy fun, I’m talking paraffin hand waxes, warm neck pillows, home made cookies in the waiting room, and a straight up red carpet goodie bag for the first visit. Not just a tooth brush and floss but champagne, coffee cups and Bert’s Bee supplies.

  • Liz September 6, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I have never commented until today- but I love your blog.

    I am actually commenting from a class in dental school (yes I am studying to be a dentist) and I have not flossed since a week before the last time I went to see the dentist (abouttttt 7 months ago).

    And just so you know (your gums tend to bleed more when you’re stressed, if you’re about to get your period, brushing too hard, or taking blood thinners like asprin – these are reasons you can give your dentist to cover up the fact that you have not flossed)

    i’m sorry your dentist judged (you should find a new, nicer, cooler dentist to go to- i know they’re out there )

  • justine September 6, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    hilarious. i do not floss either, even though EVERY time i go to the dentist they tell me to floss. i hate the dentist too. they are such judgers, they make you bleed and what’s up with them asking you question while their hands are in your mouth?

  • Amy September 6, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    I shamefully admit that I pretty much have the worst dental hygiene in the world, but the strange thing is that, when I do decide to care for my teeth, it’s in the form of flossing. I keep a baggy of floss pick thingamabobs at my house and on my desk at work and find myself flossing a few times a week. It’s the brushing and the rinsing that I avoid more than anything (gross, I know!). I frequently “wipe” my teeth clean so they feel smooth, but yeah…I suck!!

    And it’s for that reason, along with the pirate hook, that I haven’t visited the dentist since 2007.

    But here’s the catch: I’ve always had perfect teeth! I had ONE tiny itty bitty cavity early in my 20’s, but I’ve been a-ok since, no braces, no root canals or any of that painful shit. I think if I were cursed with worse hygiene, I’d probably be better at this whole teeth thing.

    So my shameful story is out in the open. Commence judging, MODGers!

  • Domesticated Gal September 6, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I don’t floss.

    I’m fairly certain Jesus didn’t floss either.

    That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

  • Cortnie September 6, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I don’t feel as guilty about ANYthing in my life the way I do about not flossing. I think that dentists learn how to be condescending and passive aggressive about making you feel like a loser in their fancy dentist schools.


  • Becky September 6, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    I went to this new dentist who was harsh and evil and Russian and I’m fairly certain she got some sort of sick pleasure from talking in code about my SEVEN CAVITIES. Not only am I guilty of not flossing on the reg, I also don’t go to the dentist on the reg. So, double fail. Dentists hate me and the feeling is most definitely mutual.

  • Sonseeahray September 6, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I sign your petition. I embrace my anti-dentite-ism. They’re mean and evil and should ALWAYS give you laughing gas. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

  • Selena September 6, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I’d rather eat that bag of dicks than waste even the slightest brain space for remembering to floss. I will floss for a period of 2 weeks after and appointment and then not again until the night before an appointment (as if that one flossing will toughen up my gums and clear away my secret shame). I’ll sign that damn petition, Dentists YOU CAN SUCK IT!

  • Jamie September 6, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Did you know that you can actually blame that cavity on your baby? True story. The first time I went to the dentist after having my daughter I had 3 cavities. It’s not because I ate a bunch of sugary stuff while pregnant (although I did)….but my dentist said that always happens with women who have recently given birth. The baby took all your calcium when you were pregnant, therefore you got cavities.

  • PammieC September 6, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    I have two kids under the age of 4. I barely have time to shower. Maybe I’ll floss when they’re in college.

  • Amy September 6, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    I will admit to having flossed almost every day for about 5 years when I didn’t have dental insurance…and I did stay cavity free. Now, its maybe once a week. The major issue here is the guilt we’re made to feel if we don’t floss. I mean, I don’t WANT a cavity, but they’re MY teeth!

  • Natalie September 6, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    floss? do people even know what that means anymore? i floss when i eat those foods like corn on the cob or string beans that haven’t really been strung because someone let their 3 yr old cook dinner that night. i hate flossing, and i hate the dentist. and you know what else i hate? those people who are all “i love the dentist it makes my mouth feel so fresh and i wear pink and green every day.” my mouth feels like the 3rd world war just broke out in there, how can that be fresh?

  • K.GIRL.HEY September 6, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    I don’t think it’s too far-fetched that the whole world would comment and leave their “electronic signature” (lol E @ Oh!) on this petition.

    More Corn on the Cob! Yay to the Ribs! Parsley & Pepper unite! Move over dentek, here comes Broccoli!

    There are only a few things that will bring me to the mercy of Glide.

    I feel like I’ve joined a club. Yay =)

  • Becca September 6, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Amanda, We have a dentist near where I live that patterned his practice after a spa. They even have a massage therapist. Check out their commercial ( I’ve never been there, but it airs all the time on TV. Looks really nice and calming. I think every dentist should get with the times and follow this guy’s lead, don’t you?

    I don’t floss either, but my great grandfather was a dentist. He taught my grandmother, “only floss the teeth you want to keep.” So the conspiracy has been going on at least 100 years. Ugh!

  • Desiree September 6, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    add my name to the growing list. *sshole dentists!!!


  • Lindsey Morningstar September 6, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    First off, I’m a new reader (totally jumped on the boob post bandwagon). But the fact you hate the dentist I’m now a devote MODG follower. It’s the only legal form of torture left! And they’re making bank while the rest of us sit around waiting for the job market to get better. And I definitely don’t floss unless I just ate corn on the cob.

  • Annalisa September 6, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    can i just say that every dentist i’ve been to is seriously creepy? and what is the deal with dental hygienists being all chatty?

    • K.GIRL.HEY September 6, 2011 at 6:58 pm

      I know! They know damn well they are gonna shove a buncha cotton and metal in our mouths–It makes you wonder if they get together for Happy Hour and talk about how ridiculous we all look and sound. Although, I did have one young, sexy dentist once, and I honestly didn’t care WHAT he put in my mouth. Many nights thinkin about him…

  • Krista September 7, 2011 at 12:21 am

    I already commented and jumped on this cause but forgot one major floss-related issue. My daughter has a book where Elmo goes to the dentist with the Big Bad Wolf. At the end of the story the dentist tells Elmo to brush his teeth twice a day for as long as it takes to sing his ABCs twice and to FLOSS. I skip this part every time because I don’t want her to ask to do it. She can floss when she can read.

  • KatieB September 7, 2011 at 12:30 am

    I don’t floss. Ever. I had braces for almost 4 years, flossing was a pain in the ass. And gums. But as a result of those braces, I am a brushaholic. So my dentist tells me every 6 months: “Keep brushing and flossing! Your teeth looking great!” And then I chuckle to myself and feel like I’ve outsmarted them.
    But they can probably tell I don’t floss by how much my gums bleed during appointments….and they’re probably talking in code to each other about me….

  • Kinsey September 7, 2011 at 1:20 am

    I don’t floss much. Probably because as a kid, I flossed and brushed like crazy and I still had a ton of cavities. Turns out I’m just genetically predisposed to bad teeth (my mom is an OBSESSIVE brusher/flosser and has had tons of dental work). My husband, on the other hand, has literally never once flossed and has never had a cavity. SUCK.

    I don’t like dentists unless I’m under laughing gas, but I mostly hate it when I’m getting my teeth cleaned and the hygienist uses the baking soda spray to polish my teefs. I guess I’m really sensitive because I know people who like it…but I feel like I’m being blasted in the face by sand and it’s disgustingly bad. I hate it so much that I’ve actually requested the special one-by-one tooth polishing action that also sucks but is less bad than desert storm. In summary: fuck the dentist.

  • Jilly-J's Mom September 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Holy crap I hate the dentist too. I was supposed to go for a check up like two months ago and I couldn’t do the time so I called and canceled…. haven’t rescheduled still. I went through like a 4 month long phase where I flossed every single night. REALLY!!! Then after I had a baby I thought screw it… we shall see how my next appt goes. When I decide to schedule it.
    PS I love the caption, this is so enjoyable please take my 300 dollars as thanks. Totally reminds me of a Dane Cook bit where he talks about mechanics. “Oh 7000 dollars yeah I was gunna say 7000 dollars. That sounds right.”

  • Jilly-J's Mom September 7, 2011 at 10:10 am

    K had to link the dane cook clip. Crappy quality but you can still hear it :)

  • Monica September 7, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Agreed. Flossing is for the weak. And the dentist is my arch enemy. I’d rather go the gyno every day of the week. Of course, since having three kids my teeth are a mess and the pain they are causing me forces me to Dr. Mouth-Murder. Ugh

  • Bekkah September 7, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    I actually do floss daily, but I only started doing it after a 4 hour “deep cleaning” at the dentist that was more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced.

    But I totally agree that dentists are assholes. At least mine is. The only person I think is a bigger jerk than my dentist is his dental assistant/receptionist. At least he’s doing something that can be construed as helpful and productive. She just sits there smiling with her stupid notebook and then cheerfully takes my money when he’s done.

  • Melanie September 7, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Um, that made my day on multiple levels. I love perusing your blog because I happened upon here as I was very newly pregnant last year and loved reading about your adventures. But more to the point, I too went to the dentist yesterday and also had a freakin’ cavity! WTH?? And I was a tad inconsolable and had to call several people to complain. AND they messed with my gums so much that they’re still swollen today :( I’m glad you share my pain.

  • Amy M September 7, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    This post is so well-timed… I have to go to the dentist week, WAH! And I know they will judge me because I’m preggo and last time they gave me a whole long warning about how I need to floss regularly and brush every day at lunch because being pregnant will practically cause my teeth to fall out and my mouth to bleed hatred if I didn’t. I followed the rules for about 2.3 days until it was just too much of a pain in the ass and there is a tooth-brushing kit now lying ignored and alone in the back of my desk drawer. Sorry, I already had to give up bourbon and allergy medicine, I am not torturing myself further with flossing.

  • Liz September 7, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I don’t want to hear it. I’ve had two root canals on ONE tooth, and that stupid, dead tooth still hurts all the damn time. And, it predicts rain and barometric pressure changes. GRR!

  • Matt September 7, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Ok, as A DENTIST I GOTTA STEP IN HERE. first of all, I can’t remember how I stumbled on this site, but damn! Y’all are a bunch of haters.
    For those of you who give us dentists an ounce of credit… thanks! It’s nice to get props occasionally.
    But for the rest of ya’s that call us dickheads, creepy, evil, sadists, and other douche bag synonyms guess what… we hate patients too!!! Especially the ones who accuse us of over treating, and say “why would I fix _____? It doesn’t hurt. This dentist must just be out to get my money, evil bastard.” Do you day the same thing when a dermatologist recommends removing a mole? Do they base their decision on whether it hurts? How about when your cardiologist tells you to do something about your high cholesterol. High cholesterol doesn’t hurt, until it does and then it’s really bad. Or maybe it was like when my Dad’s physician told him to go see a specialist. Dad had no pain. turns out he had cancer. My point is that that body doesn’t always give you symptoms like pain to let you know that something is wrong. When you do have pain it’s often a more complex issue. So yeah, wait until it hurts. Don’t fill those teeth that aren’t hurting. Let get worse. It will just be a higher dollar procedure later on: ).
    And by the way I’m with you on the flossing thing. It sucks. Big time. I don’t do it like I should. I don’t give my patients a hard time about not doing it either.
    Sorry to vent. It just sucks to put a lot of effort into trying to do what is best for people and most of what you get in return is hatred.

    • Maliyah December 16, 2011 at 9:37 am

      I appreciate you taking to time to contiubrte That’s very helpful.

  • Matt September 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    P.S. we don’t judge you by the way. You are paying us for our opinion. It’s why you are there…

  • Carrie {Living It Up in U.P.} September 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I’m married to a dentist and I don’t floss. He always tries to get me to floss, but I’m so lazy with it. Really, unless you have gum problems or cavities between your teeth, you should be fine with just brushing twice a day.

  • Christine September 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    I only floss when I have something stuck in my teeth too. I also haven’t been in the dentist in about 10 years. I don’t have this fear or hatred of dentists I just hate being upsold while they basically tell you your teeth will fall out if you don’t get this unnecessary not covered by insurance procedure. So my teeth are going to fall out anyway since I don’t go…

  • Sabrina September 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Flossing is overrated. I kept having cavities and so for 6 months I flossed almost every day and brushed very carefully. My husband never flosses except for like 2 days before he goes to the dentist and I STILL had cavities and he had none. It’s all a big scam.

    To MODGs dentist: I hearby petition you to stop raping her mouth and instead clean it with angels and kittens and petals.

    PS– I just recently found your blog and your blog + pregnancy hormones = laughing so hard I cry too hard to continue reading aloud while my husband looks at me like I’m crazy. :)

    • Amy September 7, 2011 at 4:58 pm

      I was also recently turned onto the amazingness that is MODG. The first night, I went into full-on stalker mode and read pages and pages with my fiance sitting on the couch next to me. I got many strange stairs, but after about an hour, he got tired of hearing me burst out laughing that he stopped listening.

  • MamaLaughlin September 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Sometimes I think it’d be cool to have a huge gap in my teeth like Madonna because then I wouldn’t have to floss.
    I actually do that satan ritual a couple times a week because I have veneers that I paid a shitton of money for and I have to kind of look at it like washing my car. Gotta keep those sumbitches clean since I paid so much for them.
    Plus, I’m totally a bleeder (and even more so when pregnant) so I have to toughen up my gums a good 3 months before every dentist appointment.
    I’ve spent days in a dentist chair. Try having your teeth shaved down to little pencil points, then feeling that shit with your tongue and feeling like a character from Lord of the Rings… THEN tell me your dentist isn’t an assraper… I DARE YOU!

    Petition signed.

  • Jen September 7, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Ok, here’s the deal. Normally I don’t comment on blogs, MODG or otherwise, but today I’m drunk, so here goes nothin’.
    Let me start by saying that….my Dad is a dentist. *GASP, SCORN, CRY OUT IN TERROR* Yes, I know. I’ve heard it allllllll…… but let me begin by empathetically (hopefully that’s a real word) saying that dentists are actually ass hats. All of them. And yes, I’ve met them all. First of all, they have this habit of calling all of your teeth by a certain number. Yeah, they make that shit up. Also, they use the pointiest most Hostel (the film) – ish tools just to fuck with you. That tool that looks like a mix between a sickle and miniature pickaxe…..doesn’t do a goddamned thing.
    In fact, dentists, though having the highest suicide rates of any other registered profession, also have the highest (though unregistered and unsurveyed) rates of fucktardery known in the professional world. In essence (and I know this from personal experience), the goal of dentists…and oral surgeons and orthodontists, is not actually to improve your dental hygiene (HA), but rather, to increase their number of hits on

    All this is to say that, MODG, I think your blog rocks some hardcore ass and I really hope that your cavity (cavities [pl?] don’t hate me) and resulting intense and intrusive (that shit is going to HURT) surgery don’t stop you from flossing and/or paying your dentist his exorbitant fees, because honestly, that money pays for my Ed Hardy addiction. That’s some seriously classy shit.

    Thank you and goodnight.

  • Courtney September 7, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Not going to lie, I do floss. After YEARS of experiencing a painful bloodbath every time I went to the dentist; and their judgey eyes when they could tell by my puffy, bleedy gums that I didn’t floss, I finally started to floss daily.

    Well, ok…I’m lying – sort of. It was actually the first morning ritual to go after having my baby 6 weeks ago. I reasoned with myself that with a crying baby, I needed to be efficient and flossing just takes up too much time. So out of curiosity, I timed my flossing yesterday and it took 3 whole minutes. I was assuming it was like 5. So really, I’m just being lazy coz I hate flossing. I have excuses though — I have to use TWO kinds of floss; threaders and regular since I have wires behind my teeth. I’m dreading going to the dentist in the next month. I hate that question: “Do you floss?” They already know the answer, they just want to see my squirm.

  • MG DDS September 8, 2011 at 2:33 am

    Amanda (MODG), you finally hooked (pun intended) me in to commenting-this one hits too close to home. I’ve almost commented on previous blogs to share my suffering stories of B’s body odors and down right hilarious comments as you depict his humor so accurately. I get a nice little window into my friend’s family life and I’m glad to see he’s the same old smelly witty guy with questionable (possibly with trend-setting foresight) fashion sense. But I’ve kept my distance as a lurker on the internet (that sounds bad but you know what I mean-at least I didn’t try to win a free coffee mug with squirting nipples!)
    Being a dentist, with a dentist for a dad and hygienist for a wife, I have to at least say something here. Ironically, I check your blog (as an intrigued dad with a 3 year old boy) on my phone every night as I brush for 2 minutes with my Sonicare, floss and then scrape my tongue before I crash in bed. This works for keeping up to date with your awesome family and keeping my teeth and gums in good shape. You guys should try it, most of you are mothers and should be able to multitask much better than me. I can echo some of Matt’s (the other dentist bold enough to comment) sentiment that we ultimately have your best interest in mind. Sure, good quality dentistry ain’t cheap and finding a trustworthy dentist can be a challenge. All too commonly we see people coming for second opinions where it is obvious that their previous dentist may be over treating or aggressive in diagnosing. I wish I could say you can trust every dentist but that’s simply not the case. If you feel something is off or you’re getting “sold” treatment you think you don’t need then go down the block and try another one. There is an abundance of good dentists out there and the best referrals come from your friends, family and neighbors. If you’re chasing the free whitening coupon dentists every other year then you’re managing your health poorly, in my opinion.
    Yes, being pregnant can worsen the condition of your mouth. Myths are certainly abundant but mainly what happens is your blood volume increases and your ability to focus your immune system on things like bacteria in your mouth diminishes as your body focuses on CREATING A PERSON IN YOUR BELLY! How amazing is that?!!? Increased blood volume with excess unchecked bacteria, often questionable diet and being tired equals swollen gums and bleeding and higher risk for decay. I could go on for a lot longer about pre-term low birth weight babies in relation to gum disease, oral-systemic links with heart conditions etc. but what I’m getting at is that your dentist should be taking care of you by educating you how to care for yourself and by performing only the necessary treatments to improve your health. Ultimately, your good hygiene is emulated by your child so that their health remains good and their teeth can function well and look good. Smiles are kinda important.
    Dentists have feelings too. For some reason, it is socially acceptable to tell dentists and lawyers to their face that “I hate you, but don’t take it personally, I just hate this.” You wonder why the suicide rate is rumored to be so high. I hear that kind of hateful comment at least once a week and I’m known for being gentle and careful and I think my patients like me. Of course, we dentists all have difficulty getting that one person completely numb or that one patient who is so anxious that they jump whenever we do anything. I feel really bad for those people, at least they are in my office and trying though. Think about the countless number of people (read above) who avoid at all costs due to anxiety and fear. Valium, Xanax, nitrous oxide (laughing gas), tv’s, iPods can all be helpful tools to improve your experience. I make a living helping people maintain health and improve unhealthy or unsightly issues. I don’t run a business to make money off of my patients’ teeth. I know those dentists do exist but please don’t paint us all with the same brush. Consider the difficulty of treating a moving target, under water (saliva), upside down, looking in a mirror, in a dark hole, with the possibility of getting bit by sharp objects and having the fear that you might hurt someone. I’m not usually one to play the “woe is me” card but I just want to help and I’m trying my hardest. Do you think you could do your part and maybe brush and floss consistently? It would be better for both of us!

    Sucking ass while rotting in hell,

    Your friendly dentist

  • Tricia September 8, 2011 at 7:35 am

    I do floss. Daily. Sometimes more than once. And I brush my teeth more than anyone I know. My dentist always compliments my oral hygiene. And you know what? I have a fucking cavity EVERY time I go to the dentist. I don’t think I have a molar left that doesn’t have root canal. Flossing is BS. I am proof of that.

  • Shelly September 8, 2011 at 8:30 am

    The dentist in your drawing caught my eye. Then I realized it was his eyes. They look like olives.

    Which made me think of martinis. And booze.

    And I started thinking maybe flossing wouldn’t be quite so bad if there was something in it for me. Other than healthy gums, good hygiene, blah, blah…

    So I figured maybe FLAVORED floss would work. And while I haven’t yet discovered martini flavored floss, I have come up with several other viable options.

    Like this: I mean, who DOESN’T love bacon?!

    Or this: Cupcakes?! Sign me up…

    Bacon & cupcake goodness be yours ~

  • Kyle September 8, 2011 at 9:24 am

    I tell no lie here … I just went to the dentist after 9 months (had a baby, it’s hard to get away) and my hygienist asked if I “wanted a flossing demonstration”. I’m 30 years old, no I do not need a flossing demonstration.

  • Jenny September 8, 2011 at 10:36 am

    I floss twice a year, when I have my dental cleanings. Doesn’t everyone?

  • Kara September 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    I must comment because I have been holding in this in for weeks. I am 30 years old and have never missed my regular six month cleaning. Despite the fact that I pay out of pocket and want to tell them to gtfo when they tell me how much I owe. I would floss sporadically but never regularly. And they knew it. But I had nice teeth and I became over confident. In August they told me I had a cavity. My first cavity. I basically had to will myself not to cry on the spot. I had no idea what to expect and felt so betrayed by my stupid hygeinist becuase I have been seeing her for YEARS and YEARS and she didn’t so much as try to comfort me and say “Oh a cavity’s no big deal, you’ll be fine.” So I cried weekly for the next month envisioning huge archaic looking tools and not asking anyone for advice/comfort because I was too ashamed of my rotting mouth . And when the filling appointment arrived…It was worse than I ever imagined. The dentist was a total douche, I was crying (did I mention I’m 30?) before he even did anything and he looked at me liek I was crazy (which I clearly was). Once I get over the awful needle thing I think maybe I’ll be okay. But no, as he was drilling away it was SO painful and he finally gave me more novacaine after my body involuntarily convulsed in pain every few seconds. I CRIED THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME (DID I MENTION I’M 30?!). My mouth hurt for days and I think he f-ed something up. It may not help but I am now flossing every damn day (except the nights when I get too drunk and fall asleep fully clothed on top of the bed) because it is my only hope of never ever seeing him again.

  • Laura September 9, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    My dentist is making me keep a food journal. Because I have cavities. Hows about he just takes my money and shuts up about it? What… is he going to TEACH me about good dental hygiene so then he can lose business? Im just gonna write that i eat candy all week, and tell him “and theres nothing you can do about it. now less talky more drilly”

  • Whitney September 10, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    I floss. No, I really do. Not every night but almost. And guess what? I still have a mouth full of f’ing cavities and have had 2 root canals in the last couple of years.

  • Kristal September 15, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Girrrl…I don’t floss either and I guess I’m paying the price…literally. I just went to the dentist a few weeks ago and I was told that I have 6 CAVITIES! I was like R U EFFING SERIOUS!? I already have 3 fillings in my mouth and after about $1,000 I will have 6 more. The weird thing is…my teeth look nice. And I’m not just saying that… They’re white and straight and most people think that I’ve worn braces at some point or another in my life and I haven’t. The sad part is…I will probably continue to have each and every one of my teeth filled with shiny silver goodness until I look like a rapper before I start flossing. C’est la vie…

  • Tiffany September 15, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Oh, the dentist. I’m so glad to see someone poking fun at the assholey dentist. BUT, never fear friends. I have proof that not all dentists are *ssholes and more importantly, I have proof that not all dentists are dorks without a sense of humor. Enjoy!

  • Remember how I was like, I’m sure I won’t have much to say about teeth…. November 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    […] is no joke. And G is teething too. Oh I didn’t tell you? I’m STILL in pain from the cavity fillings I had TWO weeks ago. I can’t eat any important foods like dark chocolate covered mint […]

  • Lauren (pronounced La-Wren. Because I'm fancy.) May 14, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Not sure if you go back to read comments from long ago, but a friend suggested I read your blog about six months ago. And so I did. And I loved it, and I decided that I should go back to learn about MODG’s history. And then I started to feel bad for reading without commenting for six months. But I wanted to wait for the right moment. And then I read this, and knew it was time.
    The dentist is a horrible place for me…and no matter how proud I am of how much I’ve brushed (not flossed–let’s be real here) it’s never good enough. Never. I think the code thing is similar to the experience at the nail salon. I’m paying for your services. Either tell me how disappointed you are in my cuticles in English, or wait to talk behind my back like a normal human being.
    Also, don’t spoil September 2011 through January 2012 for me. I haven’t read those yet.