I just got back from the dentist and I’m here to report he’s still a giant bag of dicks.
Sorry dentists and mom.
This is goddamn 2011 and we voluntarily lay down to be stabbed in the mouth over and over with a pirate hook until we stumble away bloody and beaten down and emotionally bruised. I will not stand for it anymore.
So I had to leave G the other day for like the 5th time ever in my life and it was to go to the mouth raping dentist. I’m not someone who necessarily fears the dentist, but I am someone who feels as though it’s only fair that I at least be given a weapon to fight back with. They get that pirate hook and even an armor mask in case I *do* fight back. I’m given nothing except a blood bib and the light of a blinding sun in my face.
Let me rewind for you to 1987. A 6 year old MODG really likes candy. She maybe hoarded candy for multiple halloweens. She maybe fed her pubescent insecurities with Sprees. Her parents were just happy that she was eating, albeit a diet of snickers and red dye 43. Things are different today. Totally different. I mean I’m a grown woman with no time for twizzlers or cereal marshmallows. *back down B, I don’t need your judgement too*
Eventually I got my act together and developed good dental hygiene practices. I brush with a vibrating toothbrush. I use the extra burny mouthwash and a prayer. But I’m going to be straight up honest with you: I don’t really floss. GASP. Oh please…. If you tell me you floss, you are a liar who deserves to be pirate hooked in the gums with the rest of us non flossers. I floss when I have shit in my teeth. I don’t floss when I’m right in the middle of RHONY and half a bottle of pinot in. Go ahead judge me. JOIN THE DENTIST.
See, when you go to the dentist, there’s no lying. So you might as well just come clean now. They all know and they all talk about you. Of all the members of the medical profession, they have the most psychic powers. Even my OBGYN can’t read tarot cards out of my vagina like a dentist can in my mouth. All they have to do is STAB STAB STAB you in the mouth and if you bleed?? THEY KNOW. They just know and you can be like:
umm umm well, I’m a bleeder.
But that’s really all you got in your arsenal…
Really, you’ve got nothing. Because if you bleed they judge. You can get captured as a spy in Iraq, tortured for information, lashed and whipped for weeks, starved and fed to rabid dogs but at least they don’t judge you when you bleed. I CAN NOT SAY THE SAME FOR YOU DENTISTS OUT THERE. They picture you at home all lazy and dirty and smelly and hairy. You don’t shave your pits, you don’t brush your hair, you don’t use soap and you definitely DON’T BRUSH YOUR TEETH. And then they talk about it.
“So Amanda has 3 ATR’s in her upper RFD’s. It looks like a big DSB in the right quadrant. She’s going to need 4 TRF’s. Sigh…”
And you’re like, SERIOUSLY? You just bled me out torture style, then judged me and now you’re talking about it in code. AND I’M PAYING FOR THIS.
As I glared up all vulnerable in that chair from 1965 into the reflective surface of my assailants riot mask, all I see is the mouth of Edward Cullen after a full breakfast. I think, this is not right. I should be in some spa, given a massage and drugs while tiny angels massage the tartar away from my gums through the power of song and sunshine. I mean we have laser discs and American Idol. Join 2011 dentists.
So yes, I have a cavity. And yes I’m pissed about it. And yes I was like B, dentists are assholes, right? And he was like, so you’ll deal with this by blogging about it, right?
everyone who tries to read my mind can bite me.
Be honest: You don’t floss. Let’s start a petition for dentists to be less assholey. Sign your name in the comments. I’m bringing it to my next appointment.