I feel like I’ve been pretty good about all the dumb baby rules out there. I’m doing the breastfeeding thing, like forever. I cloth diaper. I make his food. I play dumb games with him constantly. I read to him all the time. But the one thing I’m not doing right is the TV thing. And you know what? I don’t care. BECAUSE I LOVE TV.
Our doctor says no TV for babies until they are 2. Then it’s cool to set them up for a Real Housewives all day marathon.
Now listen, I’m not an asshole. I’m not plopping the kid in front of the TV while I go pluck my face hairs and paint my nails. I will however put on Yo Gabba Gabba while I make him lunch so he will let go of my leg for 4 minutes. I don’t know what sort of baby hypnosis they put in that show, but man it’s awesome. And THEN I discovered Ni Hao Kai Lan. It’s a show that teaches babies how to be Asian.
(!!!!!!) I KNOW.
And you know what? I am seriously pissed at any of you who knew about this show and didn’t tell me about it. Side eye Asian Troy.
And now I’m all wild with these shows. Because it’s the only TV I get during my day.
The first thing that you should know about baby shows is that there is always one asshole in the show. You know, the one guy who does stupid ass shit and everyone is like DUDE STOP DOING STUPID SHIT. And that’s how your baby learns a lesson. By watching assholes do stupid shit.
The first asshole I’m going to tell you about is Ho Ho. Everyday B comes home from work and I’m like, You’re NOT going to believe what Ho Ho did today. And B is like, jesus christ I’m worried about you. And I’m like, HE GOT IN THE TRAIN BEFORE THEY FINISHED BUILDING IT! DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? WHAT A DIPSHIT!
So the other day everyone was at the water park having a regular fun time in the water. And the tiger was splashing and having fun like any regular tiger would at a water park. And that damn Ho Ho was like I WANT TO PLAY GENTLE! And the tiger was like splash splash splash and Ho Ho was like I WANT TO PLAY GENTLE! And the tiger was like, eat shit Ho Ho I’m splashing. And Ho Ho was like YOU’RE PLAYING TOO ROUGH, I WANT TO PLAY GENTLE!
And then Kai Lin was like “Do YOU think that Ho Ho wants to play gentle”
And then I become B watching a Penn State game. I scream at the TV: ARE YOU SERIOUS KAI LAN? That damn monkey said it 19 times! No wonder he’s such an asshole!
(Also Kai Lan is the first Asian I’ve met with a Chicago accent)
And then G started crying. And then we shut the tv off.
The next asshole I’m going to introduce you to is Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba
Brobee makes me crazy. Everyone will be playing nicely with their gift that DJ Lance pulled out of his magic boom box, and he’s all I DON’T LIKE MY GIFT I DON’T WANT TO SHARE I WANT BE A WHINY BITCH. And everyone else is like Brobee, chill the F out and just be regular. And Brobee SOMEHOW manages to make that furry costume turn into a frown face.
I mean, everyone is all happy singing songs with Andy Samburg and Jack Black and Brobee has to be a bitch about exploring and following the ants into the hole. Dude, Foofa is always cool and her name is FOOFA which is almost Fupa and that other guy is LITERALLY a one eyed monster. So just relax and maybe spend some of your free time on that unibrow.
And with this post, all hopes of not being a legit mom blog just went up in flames.
I wish in awesome shows like Russian Dolls, they put a small screen in the bottom of the screen that was like bright colored shapes floating around for kids to look at. Like this:
Ok I’m done. I hope your Monday is less brain rapey than this post was.
I’ll take comments regarding:
1) cool adult things that I’m missing out on
2) other kid shows that I can scream at
3) your thoughts on Russian Dolls (don’t act like you don’t know)