I think I’d rather be homecoming queen of breastfeeding instead of just regular queen. Homecoming queens are prettier.

Hi, it’s me, you’re old friend MODG. Except now I’m too famous to talk to you. You’re basically Kevin Federline and I’m Britney Spears. (I’M ALWAYS BRITNEY SPEARS). In case you weren’t aware, my breastfeeding top 10 post was the hot slut of the internet this weekend. It was everywhere, all up in everyone’s face. You pretty much broke the facebook share button after 12,000 of you clicked it. But I’m handling my fame pretty well I think. I’ve only made B answer my cell phone “Ms. Amanda’s not available” like twice and I’ve only printed out my 4 page rider three times JUST in case. OH and I’ve made posters of myself being all breastfeedy since G and I are pretty much the poster children for breastfeeding now. See?

 

 

But then G was like, time’s up losers. I’m out of here. What a diva. Some people just let the fame get to their heads.

 

So now I’d like to welcome all the new hippies to my blog. You should know that I’ve been trying to be a certified hippie for a good 2 years now. I’m hoping I’ve scored some serious birkenstock points now. It’s about goddamn time. I mean I ate my placenta and that got me nowhere fast.

Now, to the regulars…the old people around here. Be NICE to the new kids. We’re all going to be cordial and not start any internet wars….at least this month.

This week we have these things to look forward to:

  • A full review on the enormous amount of babyproofing crap that we bought so we can watch our child less and play on the internet more.
  • G is crawling. But not crawling. He’s invented his own form of movement. I’m worried it will reverse his brain lobes.
  • B is sort of an ass when he has to use tools.
  • I’m hosting my first massive playdate this week. I’m currently researching the appropriate drink for such an occasion.
  • And finally, is Old Navy getting awesome-er or am I getting cheaper with lower standards?

Word to your bird,

FAMOUS MODG

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{ 59 comments }

Sarah RDH August 7, 2011 at 9:52 pm

cheaper with lower standards. it happens to all of us. ha.

Emily August 7, 2011 at 9:52 pm

We loved your top 10 post and will hang on your every word from now on.
P.S. Your paparazzi photo is lacking the stars of the show…lol.

mandie August 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Pssssst…..your, not you’re. Otherwise, rock on, modg!

prettylittlereckless August 7, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Nooooo Old Navy is horrible. Unless you want cheapo clothes you’ll throw away (I mean, give to charity) 2mo later. I think they’re ok for kids, not totally horrendous for guys, but I just find the women’s clothing to be just cheap fabric that doesn’t last long. Now- J Crew is where it’s at. :) My personal all time favorite store. It’s my goal to have a closet solely JCrew.

Yay for being famous though!

Lauren August 7, 2011 at 9:58 pm

looking forward to the babyproofing info, as i have a jesus baby who is right on G’s tail developmentally, and no idea what i’m doing

Jessica Newfer August 7, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I understood your blog above very little. I suppose that maybe your blogs are meant to be humorous or something, but for some reason, I’m not laughing. I suggest if you need help figuring out what to do with your baby, please ask a trusted, and experienced parent. And it really wouldn’t be a good idea to get more absorbed in the internet than you already are, just because you have some baby proofing things in place. I only use the internet when my baby is asleep, and I give her plenty of attention both when she’s asleep and when she’s awake.

jesbod August 7, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Sheesh

Liz August 7, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Ditto sheesh

Amnda C August 7, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Ditto Ditto Sheesh, I think that ignorant comment has to wait a month per MODG rule stated above right?

Catheriine Bauer August 8, 2011 at 1:12 am

Relax, Jessica! I think the readers of this blog understand the hyperbole and humor that makes us want to read what she has to say. She appears to be a great mom with an offbeat sense of humor. That’s why people read her blog–because it’s clever and her writing is original. As the mother of three kids (all under the age of four), I can tell you that parenting is certainly serious business, but there’s no harm in having fun with a topic that is often demanding and just completely wears you out. Kudos, MODG, for a great and entertaining blog!

twhite August 7, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Seriously, I’ve followed Modg for a few months now and she has worked her way into everyday conversation amungst my husband and I or my fellow mom friends and I. She is amazing at giving you the cold hard truth while being sarcastically blunt about it all. While I don’t personally know her, I highly doubt she neglects G to play on the internets. After all, she did eat her placenta and then nothing to indulge herself all for him. I’m guessing you’re a new reader, i recommend you reading older posts and if you still can’t get into, follow some other mom blog who will just tell you how easy and wonderful (and other lies) it is to raise a baby.

Sparkle hearts and marshmellow cereal to Modg!

MODG August 7, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Oh Jessica…Sigh…
You make me want to ball you up and put you in my pocket and keep you there forever and ever. I’m guessing you’re fairly new to this blog, which is great. But I can promise you, I’m the best mom out there. B says top 3. If you’re not so sure, read more than just one post and lighten up a bit. It’s ok to laugh, I promise.

Anna August 8, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Your response just shows why we love your blog cause sometimes you get sick of trying to be an awesome mommy and just want to play on the internet and drink wine…or some of us do or just some of us admit it but we all know that we love our kids first and can make jokes and laugh and that makes us great mommies.

Sarah M August 8, 2011 at 9:07 pm

MODG…for the WIN!

Kate August 7, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I’m just curious, really I am. How do you give your baby attention when they are asleep? Don’t worry, she’s funny, she’s a great break from all the stress. I think you’ll like her once you just realize not every word is literal. Well, I hope it’s not. :-)

TBones August 7, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Jessica, wait. You are you trying to be funny? Because I love sarcasm. If you weren’t, you are clearly reading the wrong blog. I think you wanted to read the http://www.nosenseofhumorblog.com

Moving on!

Don't Use Your Real Name When Being Mean August 8, 2011 at 1:13 am

HILARIOUS! This is almost funnier than the original post. Do you think the woman who drew a picture of herself with Microsoft Paint is being super totes 100% serious???

Kiki August 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

Ob boy, someone who just doesn’t get it. Love to the MODG family!

Katie August 8, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Wow. I would so much rather have MODG as a mom than one with no sense of humor who stares at me while I sleep. Because then I would burn down the high school gym at prom with my anti-Jesus mind powers.

erin w August 7, 2011 at 10:22 pm

errr….I think some people will just never get it…rock on modg…but old navy is bad…very bad.

Sarah K August 7, 2011 at 10:23 pm

I love your blog. I have been reading it for a couple months now and I needed to tell you some very important information. I recently went home to PA to visit some family and out of nowhere the subject of cereal marshmallows comes up. I mentioned that I blogger I follow highlighted a website that sells cereal marshmallows. WELL…..it turns out that a little Amish shop in my town APPARENTLY has been selling them for years (and cheap too!). So, I picked up a couple bags and I have already eaten an entire bag myself. :-)

KT August 7, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I don’t know if I like the idea of new people…I like that you’re more famous, but I don’t like the people who are criticizing you on here. Danny Tanner hugs from one of your loyal regulars. :)

Kristin August 7, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Ok so I’m one of the 12 bazillion people who shared your **funniestshitihaveeverreadinmywholelifeever** post on boobs :) For the past 48 hours I have been deliriously excited to nurse my son down for his naps because that means I can stalk your blog from my iphone and read every entry ever!! You are truly the funniest and most honest mom blogger ever. Oh and the MOST FAMOUS for sure!! Thank you thank you thank you!!

molly August 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I’m glad I’m not the only other loser mom catching uo on MODG while I nurse! I’ve actually woken my baby up from laughing.

Rach August 7, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I LOVE OLD NAVY, and I’ll tell you why: disposable clothes. Prettylittlereckless (in the comments above) is a girl after my own heart, sparkle sequins and all; J.Crew is the cat’s pajamas. (That’s what OG preppy girls in the ’40s and ’50s said, and let’s face it we love us some preppy cats ’round these parts.)

But J.Crew asks for a credit check and a blood test before you can even look at their damn catalog. And have you ever tried to walk into one of those stores? Sweetjeebus, I have to take a Zoloft and chase it with a shot of tequila to psych myself up for it. Sure, I might *look* like I belong in there, but it’s only because I practiced before I let myself get out of the car. Too much gd pressure, noooooo thank you.

But ON… now there’s a place I can get behind (that’s what he said). Yeah, it’s hit-or-miss… but if it means I get to shopping MORE OFTEN, uh… let me check… YEAHTHATISOKAYWITHME. Plus I got the cutest madras skirt there this summer; cute to the point that I swore I would stop trash-talking the place at least until the real fall line comes out a little later this month.

Cannot.freakin.wait for the babyproofing hilarity. If you weren’t famous before… giiiiiiiirl, you are RIGHT THERE now.

Also? The popularity of that particular post just goes to prove my theory that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE! loves boobs.

TBones August 7, 2011 at 11:55 pm

I completely support everything you just wrote.

Mandy August 7, 2011 at 11:30 pm

I’ve gotten my fiance hooked on your blog because you’re so funny. Whenever I start reading stuff out to him (which is a lot, actually) he stops me and says something along the lines of, “Wait – is this that funny martini girl?” So you’re famous in my house as well as the rest of the world…er, internet. Keep up the awesome!

Meredith August 7, 2011 at 11:35 pm

“but for some reason I’m not laughing”

oh gawd! My MIL has the same problem… It has something to do with a giant stick located in her ass.

MODG – please get something for me to “like” on FB. Don’t make me cyberstalk you (b/c I won’t – I can’t even remember to feed the dog. Thank god the baby knows where my boobs are.

Courtney August 8, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Wait. Do we have the same mother in law?

Macha August 7, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Just curious, how many followers did you have before the epic breastfeeding post?

Lar August 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

She did a post about getting to 666 followers about 2 years ago. So before the last post…prob over 1000

Mimi August 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I think this blog is HILARIOUS! I’m a total fan-My son is just about to turn 5 months so I’m looking forward to the new posts! I’ve totally accepted you as an Asian mom into my Korean world!! LOVE IT!!!!!!! (insert more exclamation marks)

Eglad August 7, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I can’t wait to see all the baby-proof crap bolted down. I also want to see your shoe-model toilet after B struggles with a toilet lock, THEN tries peeing, and I stress “tries” because he rarely succeeds as it is! bwaahaaaha.

I totally love Old Navy for mom clothes. I don’t care if my cute vee’s get holes where the baby’s big butt sits against my belt buckle, They were $4.99!

Oh yeah, ‘member when you said you needed a blog bitch awhile back? Well you totally do now (not just because you’re all famous now, sticking out your boobs and stuff), the Divine Grace Sistas trumped you with the maximizing Google thing!

BTW, I met Jewel (cuz I live in S.D. And I’m kind of a hippie) before she was famous (I was like 15). Don’t go getting all stuck up, she was cooler back then.

I

XelaBaxter August 8, 2011 at 12:21 am

I’m one of your new hippie followers that found you thru your breastfeeding top 10 post that everyone was sharing on facebook. You’re my new idol. Your blog is my new Bible. I have a blog all about breastfeeding, babywearing, and natural childbirth called TheHappyHippieHomemaker.blogspot.com. It would probably bore you though, because I’m not very witty.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know how much I love your blog and that someday I hope to hire you to decorate my house :)

Domesticated Gal August 8, 2011 at 7:30 am

Old Navy is Absolutely getting awesomer…much to the chagrin of the Big Man and his paycheck.

kelly @Dare to be Domestic August 8, 2011 at 8:06 am

CONGRATS MOMMA!!!! I’m so happy that the breast feeding is working out for you AND G! I am planning on forwarding your blog to my dear friend who just had her baby. She seemed a bit frustrated and concerned yesterday, she is on day 3 at the hospital and just worried but determined. I think seeing all you have gone through will help her realize it isn’t all stars and kittens but it’s totally worth it. You and G look amazing!!! Congrats on all your success, finishing your therapy and being one hell of a kick ass mom and woman!! ox

Lacey August 8, 2011 at 9:11 am

the 10 was amazing-i’m totally going boob someday! thx for never holding back and for g & b’s tie tees–adorable! also-do you have a stance on the kardashians? haha

Rachel @Running Backwards in High Heels August 8, 2011 at 9:22 am

I am totally sending this to my sister who is a lactation consultant and who probably doesn’t have a sense of humor, so she won’t get it. But, she loves a good post about lactating boobs.

Liz August 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

I totally wish I could tell you Old Navy was awesome, but it’s not. Let me guess you were in there getting clothes for G and got sucked into the cheap t-shirt aisle.? That’s how they reel you in and then you start thinking well this looks better than a t-shirt because it has a pocket and it is only 50 cents more. It might look better than the $5 t-short next to it but it doesn’t mean it looks better than real clothes. Get yourself to a Nordstrom stat!! or my personal new fav site http://www.asos.com. Save yourself while you still can.

Jessica August 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I found you via the FB invasion of your hilarious BF post (hey, how clever am I, FB and BF – two of my favorite things in reverse!) and look fwd to coming back to watch your fame with each entry you make. Rock the eff on, MODG! Also – I’m not the b*tchy Jessica from before, I’m the NICE Jessica who is an actual fan and not a judgy internet troll. I just happen to be another girl who was born in the 1970’s whose parents did not pick Jennifer.

Ashleigh August 8, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I, too, think there should be a probationary period before new people are allowed to leave negative comments. It would give them time to figure out when you are joking and when you are being serious. They would also have a chance to familiarize themselves with the lingo and the meaning behind phrases like “Danny Tanner hearts” and “dsigfuerxztrfduvykrdkgufd”. All of your old readers know what an awesome mom you are. You don’t need to defend yourself against someone who can’t even understand what you are talking about. I’m excited about the upcoming baby proofing post, my husband also gets grouchy when he is using tools, and don’t worry about G’s “crawling.” Most babies start with their own form of “crawling.” My first baby tried to fly for a long time, then she started to army crawl, then she crawled for real. My friend’s baby had a crawl that involved sitting on her butt. Be sure to get lots of video of him crawling because he will be walking in no time. I’m glad that you are getting more recognition for your writting, you deserve it.

Shandal August 8, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Ohhh I lovvvvve Teen Witch!!! Congrats on your famousness! :)

Danni August 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Funny. I don’t even have a kid and I sent that post to everyone and there mama!! LITERALLY. It made all my bf mommy friends laugh and my single friends (who read your blog from pre-G days) were all “MODG is the word!”.

It’s funny folk, just take it and love it. Don’t overthink it. That is my advice to the new people. If you find yourself thinking too much then you should stop, pour some wine (even better if it’s cheap box wine), go back to the start of the post and start reading again. SERIOUSLY!

Boobs rock!

Danni August 8, 2011 at 2:01 pm

bf = breastfeeding. I am lazy.

Courtney August 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I super Britney sparkle hearts love your blog. And in the G running away photo your boobs look ginormously awesome! Totes jealous!

Karen Weimer August 8, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I love you. Thank you for being amazing. I all of sudden starting liking Old navy too about 2 months ago.

Amber August 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Awesome Modg! Good work on the famous stuff. One day soon Britney herself will be saying “I’m always Amanda Modg”!

Denise August 8, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Ladies what is the best advice for being able to have a alcoholic beverage and breastfeeding, in all seriousness when I have my baby I still want to be able to enjoy a glass or wine or beer on occasion, but I also want to breastfeed, can I do both?

Monica August 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Hello! I have been stalking your posts the past few weeks. My SIL forwarded your placenta post and I instantly fell in love with your sarcastic sense of humor. So, I thought it was time I step up and say, hey! Love your posts and you’re fricking, fracking hilarious. Any-who…Old Navy…love it! I am wearing an ON dress as I type. Some stuff is crap but most if awesome. Rock on, biatch!

Sarah August 8, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Is it weird I got really exited that you had my favorite post linked in this one? Yeah for placenta eating.

Noelle August 8, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Love it! Yep, Once my little dude got here I started loving Old Navy!!

Lluvia August 8, 2011 at 11:32 pm

THAT’S AWESOME!!!! Yay! I “know” someone famous!! xD

Don’t worry about Gavin crawling all weird. Mine never crawled! She went straight to walking. She would scoot herself around a lot. Kind of like moving around with her butt! It was weird. :-) She walks normal know.

Lisa August 9, 2011 at 12:29 am

OMG I just found your blog and I am in love with you. Our babies must be close to the same age. My kid can get anywhere in a room without anyone actually seeing her crawl. She does what grampa called the “dying cockroach” crawl. I thought he got that from a child development book but apparently it is an exercise they do in basic training for the Army.

Michelle August 9, 2011 at 10:09 am

I know you’re on this empathetic kick today…but what does fame taste like? Is it as sweet breast milk?? ;) booby love to the modg blog!

Alex August 9, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I was homecoming queen in college. whoop whoop.

Rosie G August 9, 2011 at 5:33 pm

You look so damn good! Can you tell my lazy abs to go back in place?? I’m 5.5 mo. into mommy-hood and my tummy is still lazy. You’d think lifting 20#s all day would help with some muscles…guess not. Time for the gym? Barely time to keep up with the Kardashians!

xo

Ruby W August 9, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Been following since my own post-partum dark days (December 2010 – my kids is about 3 mos. older than yours) but finally getting around to posting so as not to felt shown up by all the newbies :) Skimming the comments and didn’t see any takers on the playdate beverage question! When I host we have it between first and second nap (like 11am) and I have brunch food and CHAMPAGNE with Pom juice or orange juice. Always a big hit. Note that I live in San Fran so it is mandatory that all new mommies do the breastfeeding thing till 2yo. Kidding. But either way, playdate + cocktails = happy babies AND mommies.

ME August 11, 2011 at 9:32 am

OLD NAVY is getting awesomer especially ROCK THE CRADLE http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=70469

Rachel C August 12, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Hi. New hippie fan here. I found your blog through that hot slut of an internet post the other day, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m now behind on all facebook-related news, cleaning, and other important stuff because I started reading your posts at the beginning. I’m currently nursing an 11 month old vampire, um, baby boy, so at least I have a valid excuse. Thank you for making my boobie sessions 1000x more entertaining.

Ok, the point of this comment – like anything worth reading – is actually alcohol related. I hosted a bridal shower recently and this cocktail was a hit with the ladies:

4oz decent dry champagne or white wine
3oz St Germain
4oz blood orange soda from Trader Joe’s

You can be all fancy and make each cocktail individually in a shaker with ice, but I just dumped everything in a punchbowl. Hopefully your playdate moms like booz.

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