I accidentally entered G in a pageant. Then I accidentally got dad and baby matching outfits.

As you  may heard from E! News or People Mag, G was in a pageant on Saturday. Actually, I’m still not allowed to call it a pageant, it was a BABY CONTEST. Which to me, sounds worse. Like WHO IS THE BEST BABY IN ALL OF THE LANDS? But nonetheless, that’s how you get B on board with your local fair’s baby pageant.

See, B was all, the fair is having animals, we should take G to see them. That sounds nice, I’ll check the website and schedule. What What??? A baby contest? And it’s in the bingo hall? And it’s after the goat milking competition but before the log sawing race? YES YES AND YES.

Now if you know me, you know I’m a big fan of the baby pageant and I have been waiting for this day for 8 months + 30 years. First order of business was costumes. After consulting my two pageant coaches, they recommended that B escort G to win the hearts of the judges. So this accidentally happened:

B was *surprisingly* cool with the tie shirt. Like “working into his regular t shirt rotation” cool. Just saying. Also if you want your husband to resent you for a solid 7 days too, you can do so here.

Lucky for everyone, I’m an excellent pageant mom in an excellent pageant venue. Everyone is winning. B however was wishing he was the pageant mom. Figures.

B had been seriously coached on the ins and outs of pageants by yours truly. I’ve watched enough Toddlers and Tiaras to be put on a special victims “watch list”. He was told to let G walk while holding his hands so the judges can see his skills. He’s to walk him to the corner of each part of the stage, pause for a loving glance at the judges, then pick him up and give him the baby pageant bounce so he smiles.

B gives me this in a facial express: “?”

G is like don’t worry dad, I GOT THIS I GOT THIS I’M GONNA WIN WIN WIN.

The competition was worried.

Time for the line up

IN THE 6-9 MONTH DIVISION…

IS B AND A BUNCH OF MOMS. (we got this)

I was nervous though because the tarps indicated a fancier pageant that I had anticipated. At this point you can hear me screaming: GET IT BOY. YOU GO BOY.

But what the pageant balls? THERE IS NO STAGE. Shit. B is so not coached for this. There is just a table of judges that you show your baby to. HOW CAN WE DO OUR ROUTINE?

First mistake: B sticks to the plan, without a stage. Apparently this is not baby showing protocol. Everyone else picks up their baby and lets them have a little baby conversation with the judges. You know like, so what are your thoughts on the debt ceiling? Things like that.

We watch as all the other babies do things like sit on the table, blow kisses, paint with oils, etc. Well, here we go. WINNERS ANNOUNCEMENT.

3rd place) Shanky DipWad from Bobo, PA (who cares)

2nd place) Princess Platypus from Penisville, PA (aaaaah so nervous soo nervous)

crossies crossies crossies

And first place goes to

MICHAEL MYERS FROM MYASS, PA

(no seriously, his name really was Michael Myers)

But back to the real shocker. We didn’t place. WE DIDN’T EVEN PLACE.

G and I reacted in the same mature way.

But after a moment of What THE F’s? We pulled ourselves together and took some pictures with the Pennsylvania Fair Queens.

Siiigh…Pennsylvania. You’ll never be Georgia. All of those years of watching Miss America and hoping that Pennsylvania wins the crown… I’m not going to say much more about this.

I had just about pushed my limits with B and G. It was 99 degrees in the bingo hall, we did NOT have a crown and everyone was pissy.

But I was proud of my little boy, WHO WAS ROBBED.

And now the real reason B wanted to go to the fair and what I realized made it all worth while.

A smiling goat.

He says, “It’s ok G. I’ve been around the block a few times. I know things about this world. People at fairs are idiots. You will do great things for this country and then we will fly away together to a magical land where babies rule the government and the clouds are made of cereal marshmallows”

It was nice to see a wise goat FOR ONCE.

And then we went home and everything was better.

G is a sparkle winner forever and ever.

And if you’d like to see the exact same recap, but in video form, I’ve obviously provided that as an option.

I present, TLC’s Babies and Bingo Halls

 

 

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POSTED IN: Awesome things,B,babies,Dramababy,I hate everyone,I should be famous,Innapropriate,Mom Stuff,Not Pleased

{ 57 comments }

Morgan August 1, 2011 at 8:15 am

Maybe you should have stuck around a bit longer. Perhaps he just pulled for a higher title???

Jilly- J's Mom August 1, 2011 at 8:21 am

^^^ Yes like Grand Supreme!! I happened to catch an episode of T&T last night. B totally went Glitz and spray tanned your baby didn’t he??… Hey at least you guys went balls to the wall.

PS I thought 100% you would win before starting to read. You like win at everything. : D

Kelly August 1, 2011 at 8:37 am

OMG! I love this post! How could G not have won first place? B and G look so sweet together. You must be proud :)

britt August 1, 2011 at 8:42 am

You need a recount. I’m totally getting that shirt for my husband. We have a daughter though so I can’t get the matching onesie. Maybe a matching tie for my dog.

demi August 1, 2011 at 8:50 am

i think this is one of my favy posts ever…there are just SO many things to comment about! First-he was robbed. Second he was so dang cute with B and their matching attire. Third-was one winner ACTUALLY from a place called penisville??! i swear that is what i heard. and you saying “all the same judges….and except maybe one more” lmao! i am missing so much but this was awesome. he will def win the next one, pageant mom. and dad. G HAS GOT THIS!

demi August 1, 2011 at 8:53 am

wait. i know the answer. just come dressed up EXACTLY like you did for holloween one year. complete with B’s fake boobs and all and you in your grande supreme outfit. and one more thing-those people you are posing with—for the love why do they have crowns on their heads??!

danette August 1, 2011 at 8:58 am

Shoot! Maybe it was the lack of pixie sticks and spray tanning? I agree, you should have stuck around to see if he pulled for a higher title (I’m not a TV snob, but Toddlers and Tiaras is my secret shame.)! Also, “I was nervous though because the tarps indicated a fancier pageant that I had anticipated” made me laugh out loud!

Melayne August 1, 2011 at 8:58 am

YES..demand a RECOUNT!!! Love, Love, Love the video..wish I had been there to cheer the MOST HANDSOME BABY BOY on…..I can’t wait for next years competition video!!

erin w August 1, 2011 at 9:00 am

your husband is the bomb-diggity for participating. mine won’t even let me buy our son a pretend kitchen because he thinks it’s too feminine. i married a neanderthal.

g-unit August 1, 2011 at 9:17 am

I’m shocked that the matching shirts didn’t give you instant stardom. They should have had a stage. Baby G would have for sure won. But that’s what you get with fairs – that and awesome people watching!

p.s. That wise old goat is actually a sheep – I used to show sheep at my county fair (where we also have baby shows without stages and with bad judges. My sheep were stupid though. I’m glad this one was wise and connected with Baby G to give him strength after he was robbed!

KB August 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm

DYING that it’s a sheep! I thought goat, too, though. G and B should have won that crown. That was some BS.

Philly Maggie August 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

Wait, this was the Kimberton fair……..you have to realize that they are ill equipped and unprepared for the awesomeness that is G….. tie? Argyle leg warmers? Unless they had John Deere printed on them, the fabulousness is lost on them. Sad but true. Plus they might have been jealous that G had more teeth than them :-)

G-fan August 1, 2011 at 10:02 am

Best. Reply. Ever. I think I used to live in the same place. :D

Katie August 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I am so glad someone finally commented on the argyle leg warmers. They were grand supreme all on their own.

Hann August 1, 2011 at 10:46 am

It’s probs because he forgot his flipper. Leg warmers FTW, though!

Kelly S August 1, 2011 at 11:04 am

Okay, MODG. First time poster, LONG TIME stalker. Like…a year or two stalker. The best line in this post is: “I was nervous though because the tarps indicated a fancier pageant that I had anticipated” I laughed so suddenly my cat scratched the shit out of me and ran away. Also, I’m actually surprised your county fair didn’t have at least a stage. I’m from bum-fuck Arkansas and our county fairs have a stage for the pageants and marrying-your-cousin events. PA needs to step it up!
G should’ve definitely won that pageant. We all know that, the goat knows that.

Lastly. I love Etsy.

Ashley August 1, 2011 at 11:47 am

you serioulsy crack my shit up…”I was nervous though because the tarps indicated a fancier pageant that I had anticipated. ”
you kill me.

Amber August 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm

How could G not have won? He way by far, the best dressed! I mean leg warmers, hello!?

JeriRoss August 1, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Hilarious!!! One of my Favorite posts!! Our County Fair is this week I am so searching the website now for a “baby contest” :)

Janet August 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm

G was ROBBED! Robbed, I say!

…In the last picture, where he’s in the tiara & sash, did you put light blue eyeshadow and pink lip gloss on him, or are those just the reflections of said tiara & sash? Either way, awesome.

K8T August 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You are exactly the Mom I want to be someday. (I’m still in the “martinis” phase of my life but your blog gives me hope that I don’t have to become a complete square when I have babies).

Stoltz August 1, 2011 at 1:48 pm

What in the f. You know that if I was there, I would’ve threatened lives to make sure baby G won that shit. He deserved it.
SUCK IT, Mike Myers.

Barb August 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I remember that over on aiminglow you mentioned how folding a fitted sheet is impossible. I ran across a picture tutorial on a blog I read. It is pretty easy and looks tons better than rolling the sheet in a ball and stuffing it in the closet.
http://thriftydecorchick.blogspot.com/2011/07/pinterest-hits-and-misses.html

*sorry if someone else mentioned this or you already figured it out.

Christina Marie August 1, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Matchy-matchy father son outfits, a fancy tarpified bingo hall AND a wise goat? I think I peed a little in my office chair… so thanks for that.

Renee August 1, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Best. Post. Ever. Or at least top 3. You are hilarious. LOVED the video and umm, he really WAS robbed. Did you see those other babies? Pathetic. I love that you really did yell, “You got this boy”. I so thought you were kidding until I saw the video.

Leslie B August 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm

G was totally robbed! But to be fair, it sounds like Mike Myers really needed the win. With a name like that, he needs all the help he can get.

Skooks August 1, 2011 at 3:18 pm

As usual, your writing makes me laugh, but then you busted a video on me . . . HILARIOUS. I love it. Out of curiosity did the baby with the hat win one of the prizes? Seems like people go crazy for babies in hats.

Karen August 1, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I bet G lost because he didnt have a flipper – all the hip moms on toddlers and tiaras swear by them.

Denise August 1, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I think if your husband wore leg warmers G would have won.

Zakary August 1, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Clearly this is not Gavin’s fault. He was ready for the stage, not some shitty tarp covered classless hall.

Let’s get Eden Wood on the phone stat.

Marissa August 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm

He was robbed!!!! He was totally the cutest baby there! Forget the matching outfits– how could they pass up those gorgeous baby eyes and little button nose! Obviously, the winning babies had relatives on the judges’ panel.

Annalisa August 1, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Do you have a photo of who won!? I’m not sure why G didn’t win…especially when you consider the PA pageant gals. Like any good pageant momma, don’t give up!

betty August 1, 2011 at 11:16 pm

omg, first. LOL. seriously that made my week. are you for real??!! i had no idea you had that in you, MODG ;o)

i don’t know if i’m more impressed by your tiny beautiful baby son or the handsome hottie handsome you wrangled into the whole shebang!! either way, you are lucky beyond belief!! and as i’m sure you know, britney started out in similar venues but wasn’t able to get fully challenged until there were a few ribbons under her belt. every MODG reader here is standing behind G’s rock star quality so we’re excited to see that start to unfold (no pressure or anything!) i would’ve have placed him first!

TBones August 1, 2011 at 11:55 pm

As cute as G was, he was missing high glitz. Perhaps if he was wearing flippers he might have gotten grand supreme. Next time.

Chalk this up as a learning experience.

Nikki August 2, 2011 at 12:06 am

OHHHH MY GOD. G should’ve won, he’s so cuuuteee.

Anyways, this was pretty fun to read :D And I can’t wait to see what other shenanigans you’ll be doing BUAHAHAHA :D

jenny August 2, 2011 at 7:41 am

That was fun. Has anyone told you that you’re husband looks like Jim Carey? :) Cheers! :)

DoMo August 2, 2011 at 11:14 am

Your boys were adorable!!
I remember my hometown’s fair had a ‘Dairy Princess’. Not even a consideration for me b/c I wasn’t in 4H. If it was a Dairy Queen – maybe!!!

Jena August 2, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Amanda, I’m a friend of Kate S, who is a friend of Katie S and Molly F of Penn State fame….and of course I’ve been following your blog since I got pregnant. Long time reader, first time poster, in other words. Just wanted to say that this is my favorite post to date….especially the part with the wise sage, Mr. Goat. Thanks for starting my day with a smile. (Yes, starting my day. It’s 12:30pm. We had a rough night with the babe.)

Melissa August 2, 2011 at 4:42 pm

G was absolutely robbed! He had me at the matching shirts and the socks. Then again, it was at a bingo hall. Baby G is too much for that.

grateful to Bee August 2, 2011 at 4:50 pm

My husband would’ve laughed in my face and spit on that t-shirt. B has guts. Or maybe he’s just really whipped. Either way, I like it!!! G is the most a-door-bell baybay there, he definitely should’ve won!! Siigh, there’s always next year, right? Maybe you should take the lead on the next one, MODG. & practice, practice, practice!! Only 361 days to go!!!

Renee August 2, 2011 at 6:02 pm

P.S. Forgot to say that I love the photo of you kissing G and also the fact that you had your pic taken with those skanks in the crowns, next to you they look pretty darn fugly. Just sayin.

Jill August 2, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I love how the end of the video where you say “I’m done…except maybe one more time”. Lol!! You are so friggin funny.

Alyssa August 2, 2011 at 10:35 pm

All-time best coast?

Alyssa August 2, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Post. I meant post.

Too much pinot gris at the office party.

Lauren August 3, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I just peed myself.

Brittany August 3, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I call “FIXED”!

katelin August 3, 2011 at 8:20 pm

i just can’t get past the matching outfits. they are TOO CUTE. also the pageant? amazing. just amazing.

katelin August 3, 2011 at 8:20 pm

also, G and B were robbed. robbed i say!

Lori August 3, 2011 at 10:53 pm

A whole lotta awesome….and B does sorta look like Jim Carey

Kaye August 4, 2011 at 3:38 am

Cutest. Baby. EVER!

pearl August 4, 2011 at 12:48 pm

modg, please blog soon. i just got braces on and i needs me a modg fix before i o.d. on wine and painkillers.

Elizabeth August 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I just don’t understand how that lil’ p.i.m.p. didn’t win. Belly laughs at this post.

Amy August 5, 2011 at 7:24 am

Oh, good grief – that was too funny!!!!!! LOVE. The tie shirts were fantastic, your boys should have absolutely won (just sayin. . . ) and the smiling goat gave me the giggles.

Linnzi August 8, 2011 at 5:17 pm

That video was wonderful. The matching t shirts were perfect. G wins first place in my book:)

Anna in AZ August 12, 2011 at 11:02 am

This is hilarious!!! And just as a heads up from an ag girl, that goat is actually a sheep :)

Miranda August 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Ummmm- this was freaking HILARIOUS!!!! G was robbed!! Pageant sparkle hearts to you!

Jenna April 18, 2012 at 6:41 pm

i went to high school with the red-haired fair queen and my younger sister was the queen the year before! therefore, i have sparkle princess winnerness to spare and am passing it onto G. he’ll win the tiara next year for sure

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