As you may heard from E! News or People Mag, G was in a pageant on Saturday. Actually, I’m still not allowed to call it a pageant, it was a BABY CONTEST. Which to me, sounds worse. Like WHO IS THE BEST BABY IN ALL OF THE LANDS? But nonetheless, that’s how you get B on board with your local fair’s baby pageant.
See, B was all, the fair is having animals, we should take G to see them. That sounds nice, I’ll check the website and schedule. What What??? A baby contest? And it’s in the bingo hall? And it’s after the goat milking competition but before the log sawing race? YES YES AND YES.
Now if you know me, you know I’m a big fan of the baby pageant and I have been waiting for this day for 8 months + 30 years. First order of business was costumes. After consulting my two pageant coaches, they recommended that B escort G to win the hearts of the judges. So this accidentally happened:
B was *surprisingly* cool with the tie shirt. Like “working into his regular t shirt rotation” cool. Just saying. Also if you want your husband to resent you for a solid 7 days too, you can do so here.
Lucky for everyone, I’m an excellent pageant mom in an excellent pageant venue. Everyone is winning. B however was wishing he was the pageant mom. Figures.
B had been seriously coached on the ins and outs of pageants by yours truly. I’ve watched enough Toddlers and Tiaras to be put on a special victims “watch list”. He was told to let G walk while holding his hands so the judges can see his skills. He’s to walk him to the corner of each part of the stage, pause for a loving glance at the judges, then pick him up and give him the baby pageant bounce so he smiles.
B gives me this in a facial express: “?”
G is like don’t worry dad, I GOT THIS I GOT THIS I’M GONNA WIN WIN WIN.
The competition was worried.
Time for the line up
IN THE 6-9 MONTH DIVISION…
IS B AND A BUNCH OF MOMS. (we got this)
I was nervous though because the tarps indicated a fancier pageant that I had anticipated. At this point you can hear me screaming: GET IT BOY. YOU GO BOY.
But what the pageant balls? THERE IS NO STAGE. Shit. B is so not coached for this. There is just a table of judges that you show your baby to. HOW CAN WE DO OUR ROUTINE?
First mistake: B sticks to the plan, without a stage. Apparently this is not baby showing protocol. Everyone else picks up their baby and lets them have a little baby conversation with the judges. You know like, so what are your thoughts on the debt ceiling? Things like that.
We watch as all the other babies do things like sit on the table, blow kisses, paint with oils, etc. Well, here we go. WINNERS ANNOUNCEMENT.
3rd place) Shanky DipWad from Bobo, PA (who cares)
2nd place) Princess Platypus from Penisville, PA (aaaaah so nervous soo nervous)
crossies crossies crossies
And first place goes to
MICHAEL MYERS FROM MYASS, PA
(no seriously, his name really was Michael Myers)
But back to the real shocker. We didn’t place. WE DIDN’T EVEN PLACE.
G and I reacted in the same mature way.
But after a moment of What THE F’s? We pulled ourselves together and took some pictures with the Pennsylvania Fair Queens.
Siiigh…Pennsylvania. You’ll never be Georgia. All of those years of watching Miss America and hoping that Pennsylvania wins the crown… I’m not going to say much more about this.
I had just about pushed my limits with B and G. It was 99 degrees in the bingo hall, we did NOT have a crown and everyone was pissy.
But I was proud of my little boy, WHO WAS ROBBED.
And now the real reason B wanted to go to the fair and what I realized made it all worth while.
A smiling goat.
He says, “It’s ok G. I’ve been around the block a few times. I know things about this world. People at fairs are idiots. You will do great things for this country and then we will fly away together to a magical land where babies rule the government and the clouds are made of cereal marshmallows”
It was nice to see a wise goat FOR ONCE.
And then we went home and everything was better.
G is a sparkle winner forever and ever.
And if you’d like to see the exact same recap, but in video form, I’ve obviously provided that as an option.
I present, TLC’s Babies and Bingo Halls