So I started getting some comments that made me stop and actually think. These were comments such as “Does MODG stand for something?” and “Why don’t you wear pink and green?” That’s when I got my head out of my ass and realized that this blog isn’t a little club made up of only people who have been reading this crap for all 3 years. So I should probably catch everyone up on the code that I tend to speak in. So this post is like that episode of your favorite tv show that is totally lazy of the producers, where they just do a bunch of recap clips and call it “new”. And you’re like GODDAMMIT I just wanted to sit down and watch 2 new hours of the Bachelorette. This is bullshit.
I give you, Bullshit.
Once upon a July back in 2009, the boredom at my regular job was bordering on chinese water torture. So I decided to start a blog. My life was fairly awesome. I had lots of (4) friends. I did whatever I wanted (watched tv) and I consumed massive amounts of wine on a nightly basis. But I was married and shitting around and was thinking about having a baby. So I decided to let the internet help me make that decision… martinis or diaper genies (MODG)? Not like it was an important one or anything….
See, I always THOUGHT that I was pregnant. But it was usually a food baby. So to distract myself from all of this baby nonsense, I started to blog about other things. Confessions Friday started because I am a legitimate (online) ordained reverend. And I wanted to hear about everyone’s secrets and lies. Because everyone lies. But not to a reverend. Word.
People got wind of the crap that was going on around this part of the internet and my single guy friend found himself a temporary home here writing a weekly post for us. Single Guy got the girls of the internet all riled up. Some loved him, most hated him. But he was honest and usually a jackass. And we told him. Single Guy is no longer single but still usually a jackass.
While sharing my life with the internet, I shared my loves and hates. One such love was child brat and all around awesome diva, Suri Cruise. Together we followed her as she put Katie in her place.
We also distracted ourselves with shoes. I joined a crap ass shoe club by Kim Kardashian. I wanted to show you all my shoes, so I had to stand on my toilet to take the picture. I don’t have a full length mirror and don’t plan to buy one. From there many many things were put on my toilet and toilets around the world.
Because of my lack of filter and general boredom, I tended to get myself in trouble with the internet. This was the first time that happened. My attempt at humor was lost of a big preppy segment of the population starting the infamous preppy war. And also here.
After I was pretty down on myself, something exciting happened. The internet declared me Asian. I decided to embrace that and start an Asian movement. Being Asian 2010 is still active in 2011.
I started to think more and more about the baby thing. I mean granted, my time was well spent on being Asian and Suri Cruise, but I decided to see a midwife. I then acquired a 2nd internet best friend ZDub and also my internet doula and gateway into the hippie community. She is my hippie idol.
And then something happened. I got pregnant. But I couldn’t tell the internet yet. So I had to keep it a secret for FOUR months. Instead I documented the happenings in the GPS (getting pregnant story).
Some disgusting things happened while I was pregnant. Obviously I told everyone about it.
And the hardest 6 months of my life took place. And the internet helped me through it. After I ate my placenta.
And here we are and I neither drink martinis nor own a diaper genie. But I’m a mom and I try to be cool, but I’m fairly lame. I try to be as drunk as breastfeeding will let me be. And I try to be as skinny as eating all the gluten free cookies will allow (not very).
Now that you know the MODG story, this makes you an honorary Danny Tanner Double Hearts Club member. Oh you don’t know about that? You better find out.
Sparkle Faced MODG
I’ve updated all posts to be tagged to a category, like I used to. You can see them all in the sidebar. So if you’re like, “man I really like reading about that douche bag single guy” You can click on his fancy tag and read about his bullshit.
Please leave in the comments how long you’ve been reading and if you have any questions for me. I promise that this is a safe zone and I will answer all questions sans mocking. Probably.