Because I’m 70% crazy, I decided that I would not rest until I solved all of baby G’s problems. I mean with the water intake solving his farty butt and the simple act of putting him in the crib solving his drama level, I could not be defeated. Next task: eczema.
Now I’m an italian. My skin is like tan leather. Italians don’t have any skin issues at all. B on the other hand is a translucent ghost. His mortal enemies include 1) the fat man from our old apartment building and 2) the sun. So we can thank B for little G’s skin issues.
Every day it was getting worse. It was sick and disgusting like patches of red sandpaper bumps all over his chest and painful little red lines in all of his creasy places and rough scaley red cheeks. Babies are supposed to be soft like angel butts. Or maybe the saying is soft like a baby butt. Whatever, he wasn’t soft.
I read that eczema is primarily an allergic reaction to a food. NO MORE ELIMINATION DIETS SERIOUSLY JUST KILL ME NOW. I couldn’t do it again. I spent the last 5 months eliminating everything. Murder in my face. So I decided to take the alternative route and trust a hippie. I mean when in doubt….
Bring in the naturopath. Raise your hand if you know what a naturopath is? I’ll tell you two people who don’t 1) B and 2) spell check. B said this: “Naturopath? that sounds fake. Like me saying I’m in salesology”. Shut up B. You don’t know things that are good. A naturopath is an ultimate hippie doctor who practices super alternative medicines. But they have a good track record in determining allergies. And traditional allergy testing is not reliable in babies this young. It’s hippie time.
I get to his office. And he looked like Steve Martin from Baby Mama. He took me and G back and has us lay on a table with G laying on top of me. He proceeds to do muscle testing. And at this moment I’m thinking: WHY is there not a tv crew following me at all times? Your mistake America. These hippies believe that by touching your head with a vial of different allergens, your muscles weaken temporarily. So for example, he holds a vial of strawberry on my head and pushes my arm down. If I can hold it up, I’m good. Then he puts it on G’s head. If I can still hold my arm up, he’s good. (I know…)
G is NOT having it. He’s FUHREAKING out. Like what is this place? Why is Santa Claus pushing on your arm? What the shit is on my forehead? However after 30 minutes of this nonsense and 50 bucks in vitamins, he determined that G has a gluten allergy. We’ll see about that.
3 days later no gluten, NO ECZEMA. Now I know it could be a coincidence and that’s fine. I didn’t have to do an elimination diet and that’s all that I care about. G is pooping better, sleeping better, skin-ing better and happier.
Once again, I’d like to thank the hippie community for helping me to see the light. Every day I spend with you is like a candy picnic on a rainbow, drinking unicorn pee.
LOVES to you and my smooth smooth baby