I'm funny

I’m about to blow your mind with more hippie stuff.

May 17, 2011

Because I’m 70% crazy, I decided that I would not rest until I solved all of baby G’s problems. I mean with the water intake solving his farty butt and the simple act of putting him in the crib solving his drama level, I could not be defeated. Next task: eczema.

Now I’m an italian. My skin is like tan leather. Italians don’t have any skin issues at all. B on the other hand is a translucent ghost. His mortal enemies include 1) the fat man from our old apartment building and 2) the sun. So we can thank B for little G’s skin issues.

punk rock babies have sensitive skin too.

Every day it was getting worse. It was sick and disgusting like patches of red sandpaper bumps all over his chest and painful little red lines in all of his creasy places and rough scaley red cheeks. Babies are supposed to be soft like angel butts. Or maybe the saying is soft like a baby butt. Whatever, he wasn’t soft.

I read that eczema is primarily an allergic reaction to a food. NO MORE ELIMINATION DIETS SERIOUSLY JUST KILL ME NOW. I couldn’t do it again. I spent the last 5 months eliminating everything. Murder in my face. So I decided to take the alternative route and trust a hippie. I mean when in doubt….


Bring in the naturopath. Raise your hand if you know what a naturopath is? I’ll tell you two people who don’t 1) B and 2) spell check. B said this: “Naturopath? that sounds fake. Like me saying I’m in salesology”. Shut up B. You don’t know things that are good. A naturopath is an ultimate hippie doctor who practices super alternative medicines. But they have a good track record in determining allergies. And traditional allergy testing is not reliable in babies this young. It’s hippie time.

I get to his office. And he looked like Steve Martin from Baby Mama. He took me and G back and has us lay on a table with G laying on top of me. He proceeds to do muscle testing. And at this moment I’m thinking: WHY is there not a tv crew following me at all times? Your mistake America. These hippies believe that by touching your head with a vial of different allergens, your muscles weaken temporarily. So for example, he holds a vial of strawberry on my head and pushes my arm down. If I can hold it up, I’m good. Then he puts it on G’s head. If I can still hold my arm up, he’s good. (I know…)

G is NOT having it. He’s FUHREAKING out. Like what is this place? Why is Santa Claus pushing on your arm? What the shit is on my forehead? However after 30 minutes of this nonsense and 50 bucks in vitamins, he determined that G has a gluten allergy. We’ll see about that.

3 days later no gluten, NO ECZEMA. Now I know it could be a coincidence and that’s fine. I didn’t have to do an elimination diet and that’s all that I care about. G is pooping better, sleeping better, skin-ing better and happier.

Once again, I’d like to thank the hippie community for helping me to see the light. Every day I spend with you is like a candy picnic on a rainbow, drinking unicorn pee.

LOVES to you and my smooth smooth baby

hooray for smooth babies

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  • E @ Oh! Apostrophe May 17, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Thank you for the LOLs this morning. So happy your baby is soft again! My MIL does energy medicine with the raise your arm/see if I can push it down thing… maybe I will stop rolling my eyes at her quite so much now.

    • eileen marie May 18, 2011 at 3:37 am

      I just have to say my initials (before I got married) used to be E. O apostrophe! (But I am SURE that’s pretty common for Irish folk.)

  • ZDub May 17, 2011 at 11:38 am

    “Every day I spend with you is like a candy picnic on a rainbow, drinking unicorn pee.”

    You should totally write greeting cards for a living, you could work from home.

    (Troy’s eczema issues had to do with dairy.)

    • britt May 17, 2011 at 12:54 pm

      I second the greeting card idea!

      • Amy May 17, 2011 at 1:39 pm

        …or you could write e-cards for someecards.com so funny !

        • Stacey May 18, 2011 at 10:34 am

          or perhaps the next Jack Handy?

  • Anne-Marie May 17, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Please tell me you watch “The Real Housewives of Orange County?” If so, you probably have seen the episode where Peggy tests her husbands allergy to Gretchen’s lip gloss by having him hold it and seeing if he can grip it. He could, no allergy. They totally used this hippie magic too. So in conclusion, reality TV is real and hippies are magic.

    • Cindy May 17, 2011 at 6:06 pm

      I was just coming here to comment on that too! Gretchen was all mocking them about “How can they tell that THROUGH THE PACKAGE?” and I was actually agreeing with Gretchen.

      Who knew?! (the hippies knew)

  • Robin @ our semi organic life May 17, 2011 at 11:41 am

    omg I’ve heard about this before. I knew a friend of a friend who took their baby to one of these (specialists?) guys and was told the baby was allergic to EVERYTHING! including of course gluten. Also the mother was psycho – and drove 3hrs and paid way to much $$ for this info which she now takes as her baby bible.

  • Lisa May 17, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Hippies be smart, dude. The most hippie thing I ever did was squirt breast milk into my daughter’s eyes to treat pinkeye. Totally worked, too. Now I don’t shower because hippies are prob right about that, too.

  • Amanda @ The Fix-Its May 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

    When I was a kid I had eczema pretty bad. Knowing it was often linked to diet my Mom told me I was allergic to chocolate (read: a ploy to keep me small). My childhood memories include me eating ONE M&M while my friends scarfed down handfulls.

  • Zoe May 17, 2011 at 11:59 am

    And now you have me looking up naturopaths near me to see if they can solve all my problems with their hippy magics… Glad G is doing so well!

  • Darbi May 17, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Unicorn pee? I couldn’t hold in the laughs…..my whole office thinks I’m crazy and my boss now suspects I don’t do real work here. Glad you are getting back to normal MODG. Tell B to suck it cause you have cured the drama baby!

  • Sarah May 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    My husband is a chiropractor and does muscle testing. It does seem like voodoo, but that crap works!

  • Winn May 17, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Awesomest post ever. And it’s because of the unicorn pee. Hippies and you rock. I also *heart* my naturopath. 😀

  • kelly @ D2BD & Cocktails and Cardio May 17, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    First off… Baby G has the best damn wardrobe ever!!! Wee Rock Tees make me wanna have babies!

    Second – how cool is that! I want a hippie doctor for all my issues!

    Lastly if the hippie magic didn’t work I was going to suggest Crisco to sooth G’s skin. My fiance’s sister uses it for her son’s skin issues – the doctor said it’s just as effective as pricey stuff that you purchase w/ an RX but cheap and easy. She said it works like a charm and she uses it on her dry face… I love her but I don’t know if I can follow that same beauty routine 😉

  • Nicole J May 17, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Your hippie like ways are starting to rub off on me…not sure if that is a good thing.

  • Natalie May 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Not exactly sure how I stumbled on this post (too much pregnancy brain and insomnia-induced clicking) but I figured I would tell you another eczema secret… When I was 3 I had it so bad that I almost lost my right ear from scratching all the skin off. TMI, but it was just a hanging piece of meat. My parents had taken me to every specialist, tried changing my diet, used every cream, and tied me with belts to keep me from scratching. Nothing worked!! Until one kind doc told them straight up that if they didn’t want me losing my ear, they need to book a vacation. NO JOKE. Long story short, turns out salt water is the best for that skin issue! It cleared in 2 weeks!! My parents even brought home gallons of it to wash my face with. My ear was saved!! The combination of putting it on your skin plus a little sun does the trick. All 3 of my younger sisters had it on their cheeks as well but we were too far from any salt water. My mom mixed sea salt with water and treated their face and arms every day while laying in the sun 10 mins. Cleared right up! And just in case you need more proof, when I was 14 it showed up on my thighs out if nowhere and my parents sent me on a week long vacation to the beach!! Has been gone ever since :) either way, it’s the coolest prescription ever ( doctor’s orders honey!!)
    Good luck I hope his skin issues are resolved! And you rock :)

  • Sara May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Another alternative method to add to your aresenal: craniosacral therapy. When my son was 5.5 weeks old he started grunting CONSTANTLY in some kind of misery. After the first night he lost his voice completely from the grunting – when he cried only a sad, sad wheezing sound came out. It was awful. Fastforward to 12 weeks old and we’d tried 15,674 things, a couple medicines and he was still writhing and grunting away. A hippie woman came to our house and held the baby for 45 minutes, gently pulling this and that. That night the grunting stopped and his voice started to come back. Two days later he was a new happy, smiley baby, and has been since.

  • lauren May 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Amanda. My mom is a natropath. Steve makes fun of it all the time saying she’s stirring up neut eyes practicing witchcraft. But stuff works!!! Good for you going out and getting it!!!

  • Stacy May 17, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    This post is pure awesome, like awesome in my first Britney concert kind of way. Also love that B is not sure about these crazy things and then they work. Husband 0. MODG 1. (Not that you’re not supposed to be a team also. Don’t misinterpret.)

    Glad you found a cure. Hope it sticks. Go hippies.

  • jen May 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    OMG it was so nice out last saturday that your fat man was sitting on his front step. the first time i ever actually saw him in person. gross.

  • MommyLisa May 17, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    My cousin is a naturopath and accupuncture therapist. She lives in Boulder though…damn hippie. 😉

  • AuntBT May 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Woo hoo! Gluten sensitivity is finally being established as an allergy, which so many people have. Glad you think you’ve got it down. I would take him to a gastro doc to see if they can verify the test, so you know for sure and what level of sensitivity he may have. Keeping my fingers crossed that’s all it is!!

  • Aja May 17, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Holy crap. Have you already planned your move to a commune? Are your armpits hairy? You are straight up HIPPIE! I love it. So glad your baby is smooth.
    Also- I can only assume you got the idea to do this muscle testing from Peggy on RHOBH…

  • Tamara@CatfishtoCaviar May 17, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Oh my god, how have I never seen the fat man post before? I can’t take it. This is by far the best every jump start to my diet. If ever I’m tempted to cheat, I’ll peek at the oil pics to lose my appetite.

    So. Freaking. Gross. Can I get an amen?

  • MK May 17, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    California Baby, Calendula Cream for eczema…and everything else! It’s all natural and works like a charm

  • Jenny DB May 17, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    My Grandpa (retired now) was a preventive medicine doctor and did all sorts of muscle testing along with chelation, vitamins and every other hippy medicine you could think of. Before he opened that practice he was a cardiac doctor so i guess everyone thought he was legit even with all his hippy stuff. Well I remember him blowing my mind as a kid with all that muscle testing was off. He would diagnose bacterial vs. viral, down to the type of problem just with the “points” and muscle testing.. everything from allergies to ulcers. It was nuts. And he was mostly right. Now he’s lost the magic hippy touch a bit.. maybe it’s all the silver colloidal water he drinks, or maybe its the whole being 92 thing. But hey.. being 92 is no small feat :-) So maybe those hippies are onto something 😉 Sounds like G thinks so!

  • betty May 17, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    My dad was an MD (a pediatrician in the NICU, in fact) for over 30 years. And in retirement, he became an acupuncturist and I can tell you a lot of that weirdo ‘testing your chi’ and energy levels is for REAL. it works. He focuses mostly on allergies and the acupuncture or acupressure treatments helps to “train” your body to better respond less aggressively to the allergen, which in turn, reduces your symptoms and discomfort. it sounds BS-y but my dad’s no hippie. He was a research scientist and then a doctor and now focuses on this.

    I haven’t had my 5 month old treated for her eczema yet since its been pretty mild. But I put a little bit of hydrocortisone cream on the splotches and it disappears by the next day.

  • Julialifeisart May 17, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    I’m a believer. My aunt is a chiropractor who did that same hippy voodoo on me, verifying my shrimp allergy (as if all the puking weren’t verification enough) and then she did some crazy back & hip pops & adjustments and now I am no longer allergic to shrimp. Eat it all the time. She wore purple beads to ward off bad juju during her voodoo spells, so maybe you should get Steve Martin a purple beaded bracelet to say thanks. :)

  • Netty May 17, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    I’m gluten free! http://www.elanaspantry.com has GREAT recipes!!! TRULY delicious stuff! Get yourself some Almond Flour and enjoy! :)

  • lauren May 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Omg, this will forever change the way I think of holistic medicine. That is absolutely amazing!! I’m so glad it worked and your baby will feel better!
    xoxo Lauren

  • Megan May 17, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Ok, you have me convinced…I will turn to hippies in times of crisis. You got me! Yay for happy MODG and baby G!

  • Rachel May 17, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Oh my gosh, I have the WORST case of eczema ever. Like covers my whole body bad. My dermatologist was even like, “woah girl, you have an issue.” It’s so nice to know that it was completely an allergy problem for baby G; I’m going to the allergist sometime soon. I’m completely convinced by all your hippie nonsense now, I think I’m going to go all natural in most of my approaches to problems from now on. And I’m so happy that both you and baby G are so much better! It’s so much more fun to read your blog when everyone is happy!

  • Mandi May 17, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Well … YAY hippies!

  • emily May 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    OMG my vet did that with my dog and me years ago. I thought he was out of his gourd and almost started laughing in his face and looking for the hidden camera because he didn’t exactly give me a heads up to what he was doing. He had me hold my middle finger and thumb together and then tried to break them apart. I laughed and laughed and laughed after I left the office thinking he was such a weirdo…………..until he was right about what was causing my dog’s weirdo skin stuff…….twice (type of food and cedar). He also did acupuncture on animals too. He was the best vet we ever had and I am a strict modern med type of girl. So glad you are all feeling better and that you keep writing about your adventures. Makes me laugh every time.

  • Karly May 17, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    All hail the hippies.

  • Lin May 17, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    If you are craving sweet food and you want to do it Gluten Free, pick up the Babycakes cookbook. There are two books and she does almost everything gluten, dairy and refined sugar free. The ingredients can be pricey but almost everything I have made is really good. Just in case you are still willing to cut for skittles… :)

  • Ange May 17, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    I’m just so happy that your entire mood has changed. I can’t believe what you put yourself through & now a few simple changes = miracles. I love hearing all about it. Also, on the book thing – you missed out on being the author of the “Go the Fuck to Sleep” book, have you heard? I think this title would have been the perfect one for you – but not now you’re the Baby Whisperer!

  • jeskimoko May 17, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Heya, most of my family is gluten free.. if u want some more info or recipes check out my sisters website http://www.glutenfreekiwi.com. :)

  • Brandi May 18, 2011 at 12:19 am

    omg – unicorn pee, haha! Love it!

  • Lluvia May 18, 2011 at 12:36 am

    I’d never heard of this before. Hippie coolness! My sister’s daughter also had it when she was smaller. The doctors kept telling her it would go away as she got older. Her kid is now 2 and it is completely gone. She could have waited it out, as advised, but she did not. She tried every single remedy except this. She is very anti-hippie stuff. I can’t wait to tell her about this!

  • Amanda May 18, 2011 at 1:03 am

    alright, I’m with the OC housewives girls… I JUST saw this on tv and its a crazy unicorn-pee coincidence that you’re talking about that crazy muscle testing on here!! And I HAVE to know more!! So when the dr. was testing you how did he tell it was gluten? Did you actually have trouble raising your arm on certain things? This stuff seems so weird I can’t believe it supposedly works!! I LOVE hippie stuff!!

  • eileen marie May 18, 2011 at 3:35 am

    I’m kinda done with hippie medicine. Ever since I had a kidney infection (for which I was eventually hospitalized), and my mother’s Asian witch doctor (before anyone starts, he could have been Botswanan -it doesn’t matter), pressed on my “libs” (ribs) and made me ( a vegetarian) drink boiled lizard tails, (all the while it feeling like aliens are stabbing me in the back), I have been a*little* skeptical. However, I am happy Steve Martin/Santy Claus worked out for you & G!
    PS: A man after my own heart -my fave band is (are?) the Stones. I’m gonna have a kid strictly so I can dress him in Stones gear.

  • Jessica May 18, 2011 at 8:43 am

    WE LOVE HIPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Shanna May 18, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Glad to see G is feeling better…..but for reals, want to know what’s causing G’s allergies? It’s B’s SHOES! What the hell is he wearing on his feet? They look like black suede sneakers with black suede laces. For the love, you gotta work on that guy. The bandannas and Penn state stuff is endearing, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. Perhaps at black suede sneaks?

    I think G looks cute with his rosy red cheeks! but glad to see that eczema is going away. I have dry skin and it sucks. Yay for hippies.

  • Anna May 18, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    I love that in the bottom picture your nails are done. 2 weeks post delivery (emergency c-section as well) I am feeling pretty good that I take off sweat pants and put on real pants in the morning. I will have to hit a mani/pedi soon. You are inspiring. Also I saw an amazing chiropractor all through my pregnancy that does the same thing, I don’t care what she’s doing or if its weird, I just know it worked so yeah hippies.

  • my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you May 18, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    i am 12 years proof that that shit works. reg. medicine fails HARD in this area.
    good for you.
    good for G.

  • Christine May 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    My 2nd son had terrible excema. It always seemed to flare up when he was walking outside in the grass and the other times, I couldn’t pinpoint the outbreaks. I started using free and clear detergent on his clothes and it got better, but he would still have outbreaks. I started using it on EVERYTHING I washed and his excema completely went away and has NEVER come back! I felt like such an idiot that it would take me 2 years to figure out that simple solution. My oldest son has true angel soft baby butt :-) so I didn’t know what to do. I would rub him in aquafor every night before bed, ruin the sheets and his pajamas and have that crap all over me and it did nothing. tried steroid cream (rx) and hydrocortisone cream (didn’t work, or was a temporary fix), but it was the detergent all along. He just has a weaker immune system and is lactose intolerant so he gets every little skin thing possible. Just wait for the dreaded MOLLUSCUM!!!! every mom’s nightmare. My oldest son got it from a friend and had 4 little “dots” and didn’t get anymore. My 2nd child ended up having like 300 and it was a nightmare. I tried the homeopathic drops that cost $25 for a 1 oz bottle~didn’t work. It took about 8 months to clear up on its own. I’m telling you this b/c babies with sensitivities have a much harder time with skin issues and getting rid of this kind of stuff. So glad things are getting better!! You will soon forget the nightmarish first few months and decide it’s time to do it again! ha!

  • Janet May 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Seriously, thank you for all this honesty. I hate the happy-lovey-dovey mothering websites: Just tell me what works and what really doesn’t and how to do it. And please, acknowledge that babies are freaking tough to care for. /Rant over/

    Expecting our first little one in late October/early November, and I am not joking when I say that you are my parenting icon.

    Hearts, sparkles, and Danny Tanner forever!

  • Joely May 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    http://www.lifeasaplate.com. she shares tons of gluten free recipes and also talks about her daughters issues with excema. And thank you for making my day!! Your friggen hilarious!

  • Karen May 24, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Girl, you are crazy! I mean that in the best possible way…I heart Britney too after all. I dont get to read in real time with my herd of children so forgive me for being late to the party.

    My son had the same exact thing on his cheeks. I googled, and then bought some Curel lotion. Waaalaaa it was gone in two or three days. And hasnt come back since.

    Hope G’s is all cleared up but if its not, go get some Curel lotion at CVS!

  • Angela Noelle August 5, 2011 at 6:59 am

    So, I started here with your boob post. Then I clicked around some. I wanted to not like you, because I really can’t afford to read anyone else…really…I mean, it’s a problem. So someone else is getting the flick, is what’s happening, and it’s all your fault.

    You’re hilarious. The end.
    (- some chick in New Zealand)

  • Molly August 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    My son had eczema so bad as an infant!! We couldn’t get it under control for months. Then one day my father-in-law asked me if I drank orange juice. Sure enough, I gave up my daily glass of oj (my favorite part of breakfast!!!), & within days his eczema was gone. It’s amazing how one little thing can cause so much frustration.