Stay at home mom-ing is the hardest job in the world. That’s what I learned when I was 13 from watching Oprah. She told me. You know the ga-billionaire business woman with no kids. But I believed her when she told me to buy that dumb book club book about dogs, so I believed her about this too. Now, to be fair, I have not tried every job in the world. So I can’t say if this is the hardest. I’ve had some asshole jobs though, let me tell you. In my 8 years in the work force I’ve managed to be a sales executive, recruiter, store manager, wedding planner and internet jack ass. Now this. And I’ll be honest, stay at home mom stuff is hard. But in a different way.
My first job out of college was managing a Bebe. You know that store for slutty 45 year old real housewives? Managers are supposed to be like customer centric and solve problems. I usually told people to shove their face into a wall. Like the one time a girl tried to return a shirt that she spilled beer all over and who know what other fluids. She told me she never wore it. I told her I was a blond. She looked at me funny and I said, “oh I thought we were playing the stupid lies game…no?” I wasn’t a manager very long. Managing was try-not-to-punch-people, hard.
The business stuff was hard, but not brain hard. The jobs I had from 9-5 in an actual office with men in ties telling each other that they ruled the world and water coolers and pretending to work when I was stalking online discount codes…those were cake. Like my cat could do them. The dumb one. But it was hard in a swallow your tongue because it’s “corporate” and it’s not acceptable to tell that man that no, you do not rule the world, and stop staring at my boobs and I could probably do your job drunk. I’d call business jobs, girl hard. It’s just not easy being a girl who is awesome in an office.
Being a wedding planner was also a different kind of hard. My super genius art friend and I “started a business” and by “started a business” I mean “got money from people for stuff”. We never did the real business stuff like whatever real businesses do to let tax people and government people know that they exist. We had amazing awesome ideas and took it seriously. We booked a lot of clients. But people didn’t want to pay us for ideas. That’s where things got dicey. Brides would be all, ok I like that idea, here’s 40 bucks to go get the stuff you need to make the crap. Oh wait, I have to pay you for your services too? No I’m not doing that.” So after someone wanted a magical light display with Ben Franklin and lightning and stars in the sky, it then became, “nah, I don’t want to pay for that. I’ll just have some flowers”. Wedding planning was ALSO try-not-to-punch-people hard. Theme.
And here I am now, working for the man.
He’s lazy. He doesn’t lift a finger. He screams at me at the top of his lungs when things don’t go his way. And there are days where I’m vacuuming in my pajamas with him strapped to my body (the cute analogy ends there) and I look around like, how did I get here? And there are plenty of days I walk in circles in my house wondering what to do with the next 15 minutes and then the next 15 minutes and then THE NEXT 15 MINUTES. And that’s hard. And it’s hard to not be able to go to the office next to mine and bitch about the fat man who coughs up phlegm in our meetings (ok that doesn’t happen anymore THANK GOD). And it’s hard to not have much adult interaction anymore and to never get to wear my pretty high heels and to NOT ONLINE SHOP ANYMORE.
So as usual, Oprah was right. But it’s not awesome girl hard and it’s not try not to punch people hard. It’s I look like shit and talk baby talk and stare at the wall and have poop on my face hard. And yes I love my baby and yes I love that he’s happy to be with me, but it doesn’t make it any easier to live a life of bodily fluid clean up and not have any dollar dollar bills of your own.
But today B gave me a 250 dollar AMEX gift card. And I rubbed it all over my face and danced around and said moneymoneymoney. MY OWN MONEY. Tell me what you think I should buy. I’m an asshole because I want this. WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME?
SAHModg. At least I’ve run out of people to punch.