News: I’m peeing out of my butt. We’re going on a solid 12 hours now. I think I either ate a bug or have food poisoning. Or both. But eating a bug is probably the worst thing I could imagine. Because then I think about the bug surviving the trip into my stomach and feeding off of my turkey and rice pieces and oh yeah the bug was pregnant and then gives birth to a million bugs and then they grow to abnormal sizes and distend my stomach until they burrow out through my skin. But I’m sure everyone thinks about that.
Back to my butt. The last time I peed out of my butt was when I was in labor. The time before that was the cleanse. And they told me on the cleanse that if you think you have to fart DON’T because it’s not a fart. I didn’t listen and made a very bad mistake. Well I learned my lesson this time. No farts. But I’m seriously ready to lose my mind. I’m still doing the goddamn elimination diet for breastfeeding where I eat turkey, rice, potatoes, squash and grapes. Like that’s IT. I’m going on 4 weeks of this. There are so few things that I can eat and last night the food gods thought it would be extra funny to make one of them murder my insides.
I didn’t think the diet was helping G’s stomach until a lactation consultant told me to screw it and just eat whatever I wanted. She probably didn’t mean to come home and eat 2 handfuls of gummy candy, a gardenburger, a bowl of pasta with red sauce, girl scout cookies and toast…in 10 minutes. But that’s how I saw it. Let’s just say that night baby G basically turned into a fart rocket. I felt so guilty that I went right back on the turkey rice bullshit.
Then I slipped up. I accidentally used the soy earth balance instead of the soy free, just a little. And bam, baby G, totally sick again. And just when I thought he was getting better and I decided to start introducing foods slowly, like strawberries, bam. Sick baby. So I’m discouraged. And peeing out of my butt. Did I mention that?
I’m doing literally all I can to help the little G, but it’s getting discouraging and hard and I just don’t know how to make it better. I’ll be totally honest, this is the first time I’m questioning breast feeding and if it’s the right thing for us. I just don’t want to push it if it’s making him sick. But it breaks my heart to think about stopping and finding a formula that doesn’t make a soy/dairy/air we breathe intolerant baby, happy.
However, I’ve lost like 90 lbs doing this. And with the butt pee you can probably make that 92lbs. For the breast feeders out there, have you dealt with this before? It’s like he’s 80% gas and 20% baby.
I apologize to the readers interested in shoes, toilets and drinking. This post is not that. Give me a butt pee pass though and come back again.