small beings

Hide your normal sized babies. G will probably eat them.

March 11, 2011

I finally figured it out. I’m telling you first because this is CNN worthy. My baby is a Benjamin Button baby. Like he’s really a 2 year old right now. I mean it all makes sense. My belly popped when I was like 4 hours pregnant, G showed up way early when all signs pointed to him arriving late, he’s 15lbs and wearing 6 month clothes at 3 months old, he has the attitude of a 16 year old and now NOW he’s teething.


For those of you like me, with 0 smarts about babies, the internet told me that they usually teeth around 6 months. Babies are made that way so that parents get a break from the 3 month terror that is babies just trying to adjust to the world. And to G’s credit, I also threw a bunch of fits trying to adjust to the world after college, which is similar to the womb. So I get it.

Back to the Benjamin Button baby thing. I am taking pictures of the baby every month. You can see his abnormal rate of growth:

1 month and normal sized. Also orange jaundice. Sort of like orange julius.

2 months and a chunk in the face

holy mother of god.

I drew a picture for you, to scale of G compared to normal sized babies so you could really understand what I’m saying. I mean, he’s clearly a 2 year old, I don’t know who he thinks he’s kidding. And now this teething business is blowing his cover. What’s next? Breaking into my skull vodka to have parties with other babies? Stealing the car to go makeout with your baby girlfriend?

So yeah. We’re running on empty here. With his gas and my turkeyricekillmenow diet, the thrush, hating cribs, pacifiers and bottles, and now teething, I am thanking the good people of Zoloft daily for their wonderful product.

I’m hoping in a few weeks G can strap me in the Moby and carry me around the house. I’m tired. thanks.

You Might Also Like

  • mrshiggison March 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    That cute little guy is totally giving you the finger at 3 months. Teenager, pretty accurately.

    • Lillie March 11, 2011 at 10:33 pm

      Came to mention that exact thing. Sooo true.

  • Courtney March 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    My first daughter teethed at 4 months. She had 12 teeth at her first birthday. The second one? Waited until she was 9 months and had 2 teeth at her first birthday. It gets better! He’ll be going to Kindergarten soon and you’ll cry and wonder where the time went.

  • Erin @ Domestic Adventure March 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    At least he is a super adorable giant baby ruler. You’ve got that going for you.

  • MissCaron March 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Glad the drugs are working! Baby G is absolutely precious!

  • March 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    it could be worse. he could be ugly. and homegirl, he is definitely not ugly. he is stinkin’ cute.

  • Naomi March 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    I feel for you! :( Did he by any chance have a godzilla baby sized tantrum sometime early this morning?

  • Ashley R March 11, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I can so relate! My son was 9 pounds, 11 ounces at birth and I’m a tiny woman! My son has always been a fat chunky boy and is the cause of my frequent back shoulder injuries (he’s 26 months now…). I love your humor and real-ness (is that even a word?). It’s all so true! It’s not all the fluff and joy all the time with babies and kids. Who are we kidding? The next mom-to-be who has no idea what she’s in for? So, thanks for your candid writing. It makes me feel more normal! Yes, I love kids, and I want more….but I’m also real too. It doesn’t actually get easier either. There’s ALWAYS a new phase that is hard for new reasons. Oh, I spot a cloth diaper in that last one!!!! Wahoo for cloth! Check out my blog if you’d like. Not trying to advertise myself here, just wanted to share! :)

  • ElsMom March 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    In his 3 month pic is he flipping you the bird or flashing his baby gang sign? He really is beautiful!

  • Kelly March 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Mrshiggins beat me to it. But your boy is definitely flippin’ you the bird (or a gang sign?) in the third picture. Watch out for him…he’s 3 months going on 16.

  • Amy March 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    He’s too cute to be making anyone crazy. Bahahaha! Just wait – it gets worse. Pretty soon he’ll be standing in front of you and he’ll be telling you that you’re way too embarrassing to bring him to school and that your mom jeans have got to go. Just make sure you take notes on everything he does so you can use it for blackmail later.

  • rachel March 11, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    I feel your pain. My second had 4 (or maybe it was 6. I can’t remember) teeth at 6 months 14 teeth at a year. He is currently 14 months and thinks he’s 2 years and is wearing 24 month or 2T clothing. He weigs 3 lbs more than his t year old brother and is 33 inches tall. He wears size 7 shoes! (his brother wears size 8) and is literally off the charts for his age at the doctor. I swear at 5 years old he is going to be 150 lbs and 7 feet tall!

    • rachel March 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

      that smiley is supposed to be an 8 and a ). Not a 8)

  • Drew March 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    He’s totally already giving you the finger! Glad you have meds to help you cope because while G is beyond cute reading about your trials in motherhood is making sure there are no accidents in my household. We’re not ready for that!

  • M March 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Dude. As a Mom to a fatty who was 20 lbs at 12 weeks, all I can say is start lifting weights now, sister. I’m little like you, and carrying this chunk around is killing me. Killing.Me.

    And hey ~ you are clearly a milk making superstar, so be proud of yourself! Adding a low weight/failure to thrive baby could have pushed you over the edge of insanity ~ your little chubster will grow out of this colic soon and you will sit around admiring his lovely fat rolls and thinking “Holy shit, I survived those first months and just look at this awesome sumo baby I grew”!

  • Ryan March 11, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    He’s actually exactly the same size our little boy was at that age. We called him Fatty McFat Fat. He still loves to eat but, now that he’s mobile, he burns it off pretty fast.

    We were always 1-2 sizes ahead in baby clothes (and we still are). We learned reeeeally quickly to only buy a few choice outfits in each size cause Fatty didn’t stay in ANYTHING for long.

    • Jenn March 13, 2011 at 9:29 pm

      Haha – we called ours Mt. Everett!!

    • Cindy March 14, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      My big (10 lb 13 oz at birth) and demanding (reflux) son Evan’s nicknames were “Heavy Evvy” and “King Baby” since he thought he ruled the world. Now he’s 9 and gets in trouble at school and church for talking too much and touching people whatever else wrong he does that day.

      Motherhood is NOT FOR WIMPS, is it? Yeesh.

  • Mary March 11, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Yay for fat babies! My girl weighed 13 lbs 4 oz at her 2 month appointment! :)

  • Sugar Bostick March 11, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Holy sheep shit. That’s all I’ve got.
    Teething? I can’t believe all you’ve endured and now THIS?

  • SpotaneousMom March 11, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    He’s so cute! my baby is small- and he’s scrapy- so he may not eat other babies- but he got in trouble for biting- so maybe he was trying…LOL- watchout world.

  • Serial March 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    He’s so cute I think I just ruptured an ovary. Those thighs are killing me.

    Sounds like it’s a good thing, too. I swear, cuteness saves colicky baby lives every day.

  • Sarah RDH March 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    agghhh I feel ya. My son was an amazing teether. I never even knew when he was cutting teeth, bc he had no change in his easy going temperament whatsoever. My daughter now….when she’s teething (she now has 11 teeth, notice the uneven number. She is congentially missing one lower incisor, and I’m a dental hygienist that works in pediatrics so I say that with utmost (sp?) confidence that this is the case) When this girl is teething, you would think someone killed her mother right in front of her. THE INSANITY. She doesn’t sleep for weeks. Nothing makes her happy, I squirt a tube of oragel into her mouth every 10 minutes…agghh!!! Someone needs to come out with long lasting baby vicodin. They would be habillionjillionsextillionnaires. 8 more to go, 8 more to go…..

  • Alanna March 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    My daughter had 2 teeth come through at 4 months, 2 weeks. She had 2, 3, or 4 come in at a time always. Luckily, she didn’t have many teething problems and we got done with the teeth really quickly. So, just hope that he gets a bunch at once. I had friends whose babies constantly ran a fever, had diarrhea and all that good stuff with teething. Anything short of that and you are doing okay. My kid was a real fatty, but short. She’s thinned out now (started thinning out a little after a year when she was really up and going), but, alas, she is still short, and will stay that way with my genes.

    I would say, time for the Tylenol.

  • erin March 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    I am lurker, but first time commenter. I was compelled to comment on this post since my son was roughly the same size as your little dude at 3 months. At 7 months, he is close to 20lbs. He wears his onesie emblazoned with “I’m bringing chubby back” with pride (as much pride as someone who doesn’t pick out his clothes can have). Thus far, our favorite nickname for him is “boobenator”. It suits him.

  • BCJ March 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    It looks like you’re cloth diapering! Can I just say that I’m so impressed – seriously. That’s not easy stuff, even with a diaper service it’s a different ball game than disposables. But you probably already know that and who knows maybe my sleuth work is inaccurate.
    And on a more related topic, my girlfriends kid is 5lbs heavier at 15 months than my son is at 20, and just as long/tall! He’s a behemoth of a child. You and your superbaby are not alone. She used to joke that she must have ice cream in her boobs because he was born 7lb something and then just kept getting bigger and bigger. Maybe you’re an ice cream producer too. 😉

  • Charlie March 11, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Aww, but look at those adorable big brown eyes. Before you know it this will all be a memory.

  • betty March 11, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    that is a killer grin he’s got going on! and is he throwin gang signs there? bloods or crips?

  • Skooks March 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Girl – I can sympathize. My first teethed somewhere between 3 and 4 months and I remember being like, WHA?! And OUCH with the BFing during that time . . . it was kind of terrible from what I remember. Both of my kids were always in that 100th percentile for growth and I wasn’t doing anything more than BFing them either. So I get the whole my-baby-could-and-probably-will-eat-your-baby-and-then-take-over-the-world-godzilla-style thing.

  • ElsMom March 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    WARNING! Please share this with all your friends, it is a true story, I know because it happened to my friend’s Brother’s, cousin’s, Uncle’s Baby Mama! There is a gang of baby’s (east side, west side, crib side) AKA CRIBS, that are doing a baby-gang initiation. What these unnaturally large babies do is act very cute and innocent, but, in the dead of night, when weary parents are sleeping, they cry. LOUD and LONG. When the unsuspecting, half asleep Mom comes to check on them, there is another member of the baby-gang under the crib, with a weapon.

    This gang of babies is very dangerous. Do not be duped by how cute they are! I have checked this on Snopes and it is true!!!

  • Shel C March 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Is Baby G wearing a cloth diaper in his 3 month photo ?! If so, I love you even more!

  • Grace March 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    My son, Darwin, just turned 4 months and weighs over 20 lbs. He is also teething. And my daughter (who was normal sized) had two teeth before she hit four months. It happens. Sorry :-(

  • Sarah vL March 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Super loving the pictures!! Baby G is unbelievably cute. Also, don’t worry that your baby is the only sumo one around. The little girl I nanny for at 3 months was in 6-mo-old clothes, and was also in the 110th (!!) percentile for height and weight. Now, at almost 5 months, she’s almost 20 pounds and down to the 95th percentile, but she looks like a 10 month old. In fact, the 11-mo-old in our nanny share is only slightly bigger than she is. (And she’s been particularly fussy lately and gumming on a lot of stuff, so I was wondering if it was teething but I put it off because I figured it was too soon – thanks for the heads up that it is indeed NOT too soon! If it helps, the pain/irritation of teething comes and goes in spurts, so it won’t always be hell all of the time.) Hang in there!!! We’re here for you.

  • Grace March 11, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Oh! And Highlands homeopathic teething drops have been recalled so beware.

  • April Queen March 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    You are so funny! I love your sense of humor! I am 5’3 and I had amazon babies too. They are now 17, 14, and 12. I am the shortest one in the house and have the smallest foot! Hopefully they have my back if anybody messes with me!

  • Kaitlin March 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    He may be teething, but God, he’s cute.

  • Lindsey March 11, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    No worries MODG- my baby girl is two weeks YOUNGER than G and already at 15 lbs. I say big babies will rule the world.

  • Megan March 11, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    I was telling my sister about you since she had a similar experience to yours. He wouldn’t let her put him down,wouldn’t sleep in the crib, thrush, you had to always make stimulating noises when you held him though he basically would only let her hold him. She’s like, “yep, it’s pretty much hell in the middle of the night you want to throw him out the window and then in the morning he’s the cutest thing you ever saw.” Well it didn’t stop her from having another, even though baby #1 (who is now 2.5) still doesn’t sleep. Baby #2 is the extreme opposite, loves to play by himself, easy going, good sleeper, etc. He’s also 21 pounds at 5 months! But that first kid…yeah, he still doesn’t sleep.
    Anyway, just wanted to send you a note to let you know you aren’t alone. I’m not a mom yet but I know now that when it happens for me I can expect is to be the hardest job in the world!

  • Rachel March 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I love how in his giant picture he looks like he’s flipping you off.
    Is it evil that it’s hilarious to me?
    I will probably be a bad mom that encourages my children to swear…

  • Zizette March 11, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    I totally love that he is giving the finger. My Sam was known to do that too. SO funny.

  • Emily March 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Ummm pretty sure that is a cloth diaper in his 3 month pic. Yeah for cloth!!! Teeth are overrated. He’s so cute!

  • Britt March 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    I have a giant for a baby too. She is 6 months and has been in size 9-12 month clothes for about a month. She started teething when she was like 3 ish months. I took her in for her 4 month appointment and the doctor said it wasn’t possible for her to be teething that early. So he looked in her mouth and he said “oh yeah, she does have teeth.” They were just below the surface. They went dormant for a while but just came out a couple days ago.

    It will get fun soon!

  • PorkStar March 11, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Your baby is the most adorable baby ever, dude. And That last picture certainly is starting to look a lot like you.

    Something tells me he’s getting some of that attitude from his momma.

  • Carla March 11, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    I also have a giant baby who was born about three months ahead of the game. He still towers over normal toddlers and my god was I happy when he walked and I no longer had to carry his 30 lbs around. But here’s what I’m thinking … it means he’s healthy, well fed, and possibly super-human. Plus, your son is EXTRA cute which really helps when he’s adding teething to the list of “difficult stuff” already!

  • Erin March 11, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    I have an 8 month old who weighs 26lbs and is 3 feet tall and wears 12-18 month clothing since he was 6 months….to say I can relate is an understatement lol :)

  • Amanda March 11, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    My 3 month old fattie is 18 lbs and 25 inches. He’s ginormous. My 4 year old was 22 lbs and 30 inches at one year. I’m pretty sure he’ll need a king sized toddler bed and I should probably remodel our kitchen for his own fridge. It’s actually fun to watch people’s faces when you tell them how old he is. They have no clue what to say. He’s a fattie, and I’m cool with it. But yeah, my back is KILLING me!

  • Erica Jackson March 11, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Amazing. So I have been following your blog since I was 8 months pregnant (December??)…anyway, my husband went to Penn State which I guess means he and some of his friends know your husband. I guess it’s a small-world-Penn-State-thing that non-Penn Staters don’t understand (i.e. me). Anyway…great blog. Be glad your buddha baby is gaining weight. My 4 week terror is the scrawniest thing alive and I will be so happy when his fat is like a protective cover. I’m glad to hear you have another issue…your issues at least make my issues pint sized. So thank you for that.

  • Sara Strand March 11, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    I love how baby G is giving you the bird in month 3. HAHA! And both of my kids cut 3 teeth when they were 3 months old. And their 2 year molars? Fuck it. One year baby. ONE YEAR. It was horrible.

  • kristin March 11, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    the kiddo looks great to me, though my kids are getting exponentially larger with each one…
    handsome as all get out, and so worth all the teeth and agony of life at this point. you can do it!

  • taylor March 11, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    I love his rubber band thigh creases and how with each month he gains a new one. He’s like a tree, you can count how many months old he is by his thigh creases. Super cute.

  • MaryBeth March 12, 2011 at 9:39 am

    The third picture is classic not only is he laughing at you but he is also giving you the middle finger. You do have a teenager on your hands here.

  • Kyle March 12, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Does baby G wear cloth diapers? If so, tell us about it. Our baby wears them and for the most part, I think they are awesome!

  • Miranda March 13, 2011 at 10:34 am

    G is a super chunk baby of cute. Serious. And the people who’ve created the world’s supply of anti-depressants deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

    And teething? Yeah. J’s first two popped through at 4 months and he was all “I AM A GROWN UP” and then we had a steady stream of teeth coming into his head until he was a year old. At least we got them over with quickly.

  • Maggie March 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Are you kidding me right now with those pictures? I can only handle so much cute in the morning, and I already have one cute baby and a puppy. This is cute overload–esp that one of him smiling.

  • grateful to Bee March 14, 2011 at 12:59 am

    I can only agree with everyone else’s statements about how ADORABLE baby G is!!!

    The teething early thing is completely normal! My daughter started teething at about 3 months & had 12 teeth by the age of one. And if you can imagine this (picture Godzilla in female form)… She’s 3 & wears a size 6. ASIZESIX zzzomggg…. She’s a beast of a toddler!!!!!!!!! At least he’s not a tiny little breakable boy! : )

  • Sophie March 14, 2011 at 1:04 am

    He is such a handsome little chap! My babies were giants as well, my four year old is still a giant he dwarfs most of the other kids his age and will even refer to his own head as “my big giant head” LOL All of this combines to make me one nervous lady when ever I hold tiny 5lb bird boned babies.

  • Toni March 14, 2011 at 3:50 am

    My youngest daughter had her 2 top and 2 bottom teeth at 2 months and 3 weeks. She also used to bite me a lot. I was actually grateful for a severe Gall Bladder attack that meant I had to wean her at 9 months because after surgery I couldnt feed her at all. Couldnt even feed her lying down. It does get better I promise. If it makes you feel better, I got pregnant with baby number 3 when baby number 2 was 4 months old…and I had a 4 year old as well. I was mental. And still am today when they are 11. 6 and 5.

  • nicole-j-knocked-up March 14, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Whoa! Teething at 3 months? He is just more advance then the other babies his age. On a side note I gave you a Stylish Blogger Award on my blog today, I’m sure you have tons of them already :)

  • chinamommy March 14, 2011 at 11:55 am

    WOW, my mouth is hanging open! I adopted my daughter at 11 months, she weighed 16 lbs and had 2 teeth! She is still uber tiny (She’s Chinese) and I’m not even 5′, so even though G is adorable, we are staying FAR FAR away from him – scared he’ll eat us both!!

  • Elizabeth March 14, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    He is gorgeous. I love chubby babies! Good work, Momma.

  • Jamie March 14, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Hi! I just stumbled across your blog and I have 2 words for you: fucking hilarious!!! you had me crying laughing at my computer at work, I looked like a fool lol! especially the earlier post about shooting laser boob pains and purple monsters hahahahaha!!! keep up the good work. oh, and (shameless plug alert) if you’re in the market for a custom designed baby book, I am your girl :)

  • Kristy March 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    He is such a cute baby King!! I’m dying over the visual of him wearing you in the moby! Love!

  • Lluvia March 15, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    HOLY MOLY!!!! TEETHING!!!!!!!!

    Whoaaaahhh!!! Mine was 12 months and still NO TEETH!!! She now has 6 on the front and two molars breaking skin…barely!!! She’s 17 months!

  • AbbyWeller March 15, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    holy crow! he really went through a growth spurt didn’t he? I feel like Callie just chunked out overnight too. I can’t wait to see what she weighs at the doctors in a couple of weeks!

  • Alex August 9, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Okay so I’m continuing to comment super old posts since I just discovered this blog days ago, forgive me. Aaaanywhoo, baby G would most definitely eat Sydney even though she’s a good 2 months older than him. She’s like only 18 or 19 lbs now and she’s 10 months old. But I’m pretty confident in every other way that she is secretly 59. She’s been teething since Christmas (2 1/2 months) has been crawling since 4 months, standing since 5, and walking since 8. I’m about to give her my car keys and let her drive me to work. PS I keep forgetting to bring up the fact that I live in PA too. Whoop!

  • julie s. August 26, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    I’m doing the same thing as Alex (what else would I do with my time while the bebe is actually full-on napping?). My baby is huge, too. She’s a beast, she started wearing all this 6-12 month size stuff at 3 months. There’s a baby next door that is 2 weeks old, and I was looking at him thinking, “Wow, I can’t remember my baby ever being that small!” You know why? Because she was never that small! She could crush him.

  • Suzanne November 21, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    I was looking for your baby first stuff I like post and came across this. I’m always glad to see that someone else has a giant child. My kid will be 3 months old in 3 weeks and is 16 lb and 25 in. It’s always good to have reassurance that this is, at least somewhat, normal.