Maybe baby G is cool and I’m just a colicky mom. MAYBE.

Hi. My name is Amanda and I need medication. I’m seeing a new counselor on Monday and begging for the good stuff. What I’m starting to realize is that maybe, MAYBE baby G isn’t so much different from other babies and maybe I’m just a manic head case. I mean don’t get me wrong, he cries if you look at him sideways. And he still thinks that his crib is made of thorns and knives. And the thought of accepting food through a bottle and not a boob is unacceptable to G.  And oh yeah HE HAS THRUSH. But besides that, he’s just a baby. And I literally am on edge 24/7

Charlie's all, that baby is stupid. This thing is awesome.

In other news, I quit my job on Friday. Talk about a conflicted decision. But show me a daycare that takes a baby who won’t sleep in a crib or take a bottle and I’ll show you my check for a billion baby dollars. But I just could not in good conscience send him to a daycare, knowing that he would have to cry it out in a crib and go on a starvation stand off. He’s just not there yet. I mean he’s not the type of baby that would cry and be all, ok I’m sick of this time to sleep. No, he’d puke and blow a blood vessel first.  And my ultimate fear, he would think I’d abandoned him. And if it sounds like all of this is me convincing myself that I made the right decision, I would slap you and call you a brain reading demon.

See everything and I mean everything is causing anxiety for me. I’m having trouble going upstairs to take a nap while B chills with G for an hour. My brain races. We’re dealing with so many issues, it’s like what’s next? I’m on edge waiting for baby G to trot upstairs and tell me that he’s knocked up another baby girl or something. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people have it way worse with real medical issues. But being Amanda means being in control of the earth and the world and everything in it and baby G doesn’t play that game. So when yesterday he slept in his carseat on the dryer in the dark at 12:34pm and then today when I put him in his carsear on the dryer in the dark at 12:34pm and he screams in my face, I lose it a little. Because 1+2 ALWAYS EQUALS A BABY NOT CRYING. Except it doesn’t. It equals like 666.

So here I am, jobless, broke ass, on 3  hours of sleep and darting my eyes around the room like a wild bat is going to attack me or something. We’re not sure how we’re going to make this SAHModg thing work and I don’t know how my brain is going to handle it, but I need to try. I owe it to baby G to not be a spaz head case.

Because a spaz head case would seriously consider seeing a psychic to ask how I get my baby to nap in his crib. Not that I thought about that or anything…

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{ 71 comments }

Britt February 27, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Is he on reflux medicine? Our daughter is on Prevacid. I just take the over the counter medicine, cut it open, pour it in a bottle and let it dissolve for a few hours. It is the only thing that worked. Good luck! I definitely know how you feel!

Desiree February 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I hope things get easier for you. Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom. Hang in there.

Krysta February 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You will get through it mama and you guys will find a way to make it work! This is the part of motherhood that frightens me, but many mothers have gone though it before, and you are not alone. I’ll be thinking of you :)

Susannah aka Petunia Face February 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Been there, done that, lived to tell the tale. And you will, too. Pinky swear.

Now go get some drugs :)

Norma February 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

glad you’re going to a new counselor! anxiety meds do wonders!

Alanna February 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I totally get that you don’t want to send him to daycare even though I think you should (inherently, it is a personal decision). What I have learned from being a Mom is that kids often will not do for you what they will do for others. So, more than likely, if you send him to daycare, he will sleep in his crib and take a bottle. Or, he will cry it out in his crib, and then sleep in it. Either way…. And, he will take that bottle if they give it to him. For example, my daughter has refused to take a nap at home forever. When, she moved into the room at daycare without cribs at about 1 year (2 years ago now), I asked them how they possibly thought they were going to get her to take a nap if she wasn’t trapped in her crib. They told me that it wouldn’t be a problem. And, you know what, it wasn’t and still isn’t. She’s been napping at daycare on command with no fuss since leaving the crib. Is she napping at home on the weekends? No way and never unless she happens to fall asleep from exhaustion. That’s just the way it is. That’s just kids.

I think the more you leave him with other people, the “more better” it will be. Even if it doesn’t change his behavior at home, it will give you a much needed break. Also, if you want to be a stay at home mom, make that decision because that’s the right decision for you and what you want to do and be as a person. Don’t make that decision because you feel your baby has been bullying you to devoting all your time to him. There must be a balance. Many people choose to be stay at home moms and find it to be very rewarding. I, for one, could not wait to go back to work when my daughter was 6 weeks old – could not stand being at home one day more. That’s just not for me. I could never be a stay at home mom. But, I love my kid and am raising her the way I think she needs to be raised, not by anyone else’s standard Bottom line – do what you think is best for the BOTH of you and the rest will fall into place, just don’t feel shackled. And take comfort in the fact that you are doing the right thing no matter what you decide to do.

Good luck from an old friend.

SpotaneousMom February 28, 2011 at 9:35 am

This happened to me too! my son was sleeping in the swing at home- I thought there was NO way he would sleep in a crib at daycare and it consumed me all day- then they sent me a picture of him all snuggled up sleeping in the crib- what? How did they do that. The ladies in my daycare actually saved my sanity- not only did they teach me so much- but I also got some much needed mommy time- and my son has learned a ton- I am still amazed by them everyday! Sign language, sleeping on a nap mat, eating with his fingers- and now with his own spoon… I love it!
On that same note- I would love to have stayed home longer before returning to work- but in the end- I think I made the right decision for me. Even now- if I had the opportunity to be a SAHM- I would still like to take my son to daycare part time- it’s good for him and good for me too. Good Luck! I hope it all gets better for you!

Ashleigh February 28, 2011 at 11:15 am

I am by no means an advocate for daycare. That being said, Alanna is right. He might be a different baby for someone else, also babies can sense your experience. At least mine always did. My mom would watch her and not have any of the problems that I would complain about. You need to find some way to have some time to your self. You need a patient grandma type person in your life.
I don’t want to soud cruel, but if G gets hungry enough he will take a bottle. You don’t have to be working to put him in daycare, and you don’t have to put him in full-time. If you do drop him off at daycare you don’t have to do it for the whole day. Maybe on the first day you could drop him off then go get a mani-pedi then go back and pick him up. Or you could work at leaving him with B more often. B looked totally confident sitting in his chair with his baby, his wine and his cat. He will also appreciate you having more confidence in him. G might feel a little abandoned at first, but the more you go and come back the quicker he will learn that you will always come back.
I hope this doesn’t make you more anxious, but G could be sensing your anxiety. I know you are working on it but getting some time to your self will definitely make you more relaxed. You need to reach out to your friends and family more, it really does take a village. If I wasn’t due in three weeks I would totally come out there and help you.
Again, I am proud of you for seeking help for your PPD.

I hope none of that sounded too preachy but you deserve to be enjoying motherhood.

amanda February 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

hang in there. it really, REALLY does get better, i promise. we had a screamy, particular, colicky baby too… they get better. you get better. everything will get better. and there’s nothing wrong AT ALL with a little prescription help – they’ve done wonders for me. you’re an amazing mommy – LOVE reading your blog and thank you for being so open about your journey into mommyhood!

Anna February 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I with you sister. My son is 9 1/2 months old. Still not taking a bottle. Maximum stretch of sleep=3 hours. Somehow we’re still alive. I’m past the sads phase and onto the acceptance phase. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like putting my baby in the microwave sometimes (I think he’s too big to fit in there now so maybe I’ll have to figure out a new spot). The only encouragement I can offer is that it does get better when he can eat baby food/table scraps/anything with the texture of a loogie. Then you can at least go for 4-5 hours without nursing. Paradise, right?

sarah February 27, 2011 at 5:03 pm

What you’re describing sounds *exactly* like a chapter out of my first-time mom journal. Except I didn’t keep a journal, I was too busy going crazy. That is very normal, Amanda, but it will make you feel like you’re the only new mom losing it. I also quit a damn good career job, because I was convinced my baby would feel abandoned/never sleep/never eat. It meant being dirt poor broke, but you know what? It was worth it. Eventually I got over the “baby blues” and my child entered preschool a happy, smart kid who never had any discipline/eating/toilet issues. So good for you, SAHM is always best! And I hope the counseling/meds help. Baby blues are horrible. I remember the anxiety like it was yesterday. Start taking little breaks from baby G (like 15 min) and gradually increase. It will save you!!! Good luck!

Stevie February 27, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Oh, Amanda. I’m so sorry you’re struggling this way. I’m not a mom so I don’t really have any advice to offer, but I know you’re doing your absolute best and you’re an incredible mom. Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you. I’ll send wine.

Lindsay February 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm

I know you don’t need the billion internet friends to all tell you it’s going to be OK, much less the baby-less ones, but how about good luck? And that you don’t even need to rationalize this decision, just the fact that it’s the right one for you is enough. When your good drugs help you conquer the world (and yes, you’ll feel that way again some day soon), I’d appreciate a super-cool position, like Assistant Princess of Things Heart-Shaped.

Anna February 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Good for you! For finding a new counselor, too many people abandon therapy without finding the right person. Good for you exploring medication, it can make you available to get what you need out of therapy. This one is tough to say but good for you with quitting your job. Makes me scared as I am due with my first in may and can’t imagine what your going through but the reason I wanted a baby was because the love and connection seemed beyond anything else in life so there you go. Man plans God laughs so I am sure it will all work out.

Bethany February 27, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Oh man. I totally remember those first couple of months of babydom and how really truly awful they were at times. Just hang in there. It really does get better! I found that things took a significant turn for the better around…3 months? And get better and better every month thereafter. I promise some day your little dude will sleep in his crib and not cry at everything and will go more than 45 mins between nursing sessions. Good for you for getting the help you need! You will make it. :)

Amanda R. February 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Its so hard and believe me there is no effing book in the baby world that will tell you answers to anything you are going through now. AND all of the advice you get on here will be great, but will it work? Its hard because I got tons of advice about my first, like try this it totally worked for my baby…then I try it and it doesnt work so I think that either I am doing it wrong and I am a horrible parent or my baby just doesnt calm for shit.

I think, from what I read, you are doing a great job! Medication is like that glass of wine you need at 10 am but in pill form :) not too shabby. I think that you are going to master this SAHM shit!

Angel February 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Ok here is the catch if YOU are anxious so is baby. They literally feed off of what we are putting off. The more anxious you become the more irritated he becomes. You are going to HAVE to take some time for you to defrag. My bff had a baby that did the same thing. Would cry for hours on end, nothing helped nothing worked. I finally would go to her house, take the baby andher stuff to my house and within minutes I would have a happy smiling baby who fell right to sleep. I would force mom to take a hot bath take a nap do something for HER that had nothing to do with baby and let her decompress. Once she found herself centered her and the baby did much better… I pormise it helps

Wendy February 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I really believe in trusting your instincts. If you felt like quitting your job was what you needed to do, it was the right decision. You’re doing great and it’s all going to work out fine.

Lluvia February 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Hang in there!!!
Hope the meds help. Don’t forget this is temporary. A year goes by quickly. Mine started grabbing things at 4/5 months and started paying attention to her surroundings a lot more than me! :-)

She too loved mommy’s arms, but she did like the swing, bouncer, stroller, and jumper.

GiGi February 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm

You’re makin’ me sad, girl. And today is my birthday!! Love the picture of Charlie in the baby bouncer. My cat did the exact same thing soon after I put my son’s together before he was born. It was the very first thing I took a picture of when I got a new camera.
I have to agree with Alanna’s post from above, especially this part “What I have learned from being a Mom is that kids often will not do for you what they will do for others”. I too have learned that. And I also agree with her too that if he can be around other people it will get ‘more better’. Before my son was even born I’d decided to share him with all my family and friends, and they all just passed him around like a little football, and I got much needed breaks, and to this day he has no problems with daycare, or sitters.
Perhaps you can go ahead and find a daycare, and you can actually start off by leaving him for short amounts of time, just so he and you can get used to it. A really good daycare should have experience with cholic-y babies, and should be very willing to work with you as well, getting G adjusted to new surroundings. Your sainity and well being is just as important as his, and if you are not happy, girl then neither is he. I think perhaps he actually senses your anxiety as well, and this sets him on edge. Little psychics, babies are. Some of the hardests choices to make in life involve our kids. Why is that? Why can’t they just be easy now, and terrors later, when we are a bit more equipped to deal with them?

ashlie February 27, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Ugh, I feel awful for you! My little girl was born on the same day as Baby G, but because I’m in Canada, I get a year maternity leave. I’m not trying to rub it in, I’m just trying to sympathize with you because I cannot begin to imagine putting Vivian in daycare yet! She’s an angry little thing too and has started screaming bloody murder when anyone else holds her, so the idea of her going to daycare would not work for us either. I really hope things start to turn around for you soon. I like to remind myself that Vivian is a different baby every week, so I just keep hanging in there and waiting to see what she throws at me next.

Karen February 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I’m not a mother so clearly my words are from someone looking from the outside in. But I can tell you that my best friend recently had a baby and I’ve seen her go through some conflicting feelings as well. Her identify changed so quickly and think she had a tough time adjusting, in spite of how crazy in love she is with her son. I think moms are the hardest on themselves- Baby G thinks you are the bees knees regardless of how you feel some days. I admire you sharing all your experiences with us. Know that you are awesome and loved by all your internet fans!

Liz February 27, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Amanda,

I have been reading your blog ever since I saw your nursery on that way cool website I can’t think of right now (courtesy of younghouselove giving us readers a shout-out about it). Oh, and I totally copied you and got the trees…but they’re different colors…and I added mushrooms to the order to go along the baseboards of the nursery. We’re having a girl in t-minus 7 weeks (actually 6 weeks 5 days if you’re counting, which I…………am).

ANYWAY, enough about my silly butt and onto you. WAY TO GO to quit your job…that must have been a super tough decision. This is coming from a woman who is a counselor for at-risk youth at an alternative high school who decided to quit her job too…and feel TOTALLY broke, and TOTALLY scared about money, and COMPLETELY like I’m abandoning the kids I’ve had as clients for the last 6 months, yet TOTALLY on board with doing this whole baby thing the way i want to do it…I want to be in her life full-time for now and I also don’t want to drop her off at some random daycare and write a check to who-knows-who. I see this has been super difficult for you, and you are probably learning shit-tons about yourself, your limits, your baby, etc etc etc. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! It seems like you are taking all measures to do just that, and that is also the best you can do for you, your husband and baby G.

Shannon February 27, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Zoloft (it’s okay while nursing!) I’m just saying… I’m on it and the anxiety is A LOT better. Some people’s PPD presents as severe anxiety, some peoples PPD presents with depression. It literally was like someone turned on a light in a dark room 4 days after I started taking the stuff. Not that my baby didn’t have real issues (or that yours doesn’t) but seriously I am now able to deal. I feel sad that I didn’t get on it sooner. Good luck and congrats on your new career as a SAHM!

april February 27, 2011 at 7:41 pm

I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I love it. I am a complete, crazed control freak. Being a mom when you are a control freak is HARD. I have spent the last year of my son’s life questioning and obsessing over why he does every little thing he does. Why did he eat every hour for the first 8 months of his life? Why did he sleep through the night 3 times in the last month but is now waking up screaming for no reason? Why, why why??? I feel your pain, it is really difficult to figure these things out with our kids. I am slowly learning to just let it go and not try to figure every ridiculous thing out. I am learning also that babies do whatever the hell they want, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. Every time I obsessed about why my son wasn’t crawling yet, or drinking from his sippy cup yet, or whatever, the very next day he would be doing those things. On his own time. Baby G will get it together at some point. Mine is still trying to get it together, so it takes time. I have some friends whose babies are perfect and awesome and sleep through the night the minute they are born and blah blah blah. I secretly hate them and think they are deep down full of shit. Just love your little man, like you are already doing, and try not to dissect all the little things they do. It’s hard but there is no point to it, because it will just drive you bat shit crazy. I’ve been there…hell, I’m still there in a lot of ways. I also was lucky and did not have to work after having my boy, but if I had to I would have done what you just did and quit. My son has been and still is a crappy sleeper so me taking care of sick patients would have been impossible and dangerous. Just do your best and know that what they need is love, and you’ve got plenty of that to give :) If crackheads can raise babies and not kill them, is what we’re doing all that destructive?

Valerie February 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

New reader! And totally relating. My baby is 14 months now, and please believe me – it DOES get better! I went through the anxiety thing, and my baby did NOT want to be with anyone but me – and now she is gradually allowing other people into her heart. What I have found is that what happens one week will be different the next. If he doesn’t like his crib today, he might next week. It is HARD, but just know that each week things get a little better. I promise!

i’m with you on the daycare thing. I’m a big believe that if we listen to our babies and meet their needs now, when they are older, they will listen to us. I read that in Dr Sears and it really stuck with me. There will come a time when things will be different, and you will be patting yourself on the back that you survived these days. It really is hard!

There are so many things to try – reflux medicine, massage, etc etc but you need to find what works for you. I’ll say it again, because it is true – things will get better! I think five months was where I thought, “I can do this!!” And age one? Heaven on earth.

Hang in there!

lauren February 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

I feel ya. Seriously. I didn’t realize how bad my ppd was with my 1st, who sounds a LOT like your little man, until much later. With number 2 I had to choose btwn bf and meds. I finally realized after a psychotic, much drama filled pregnancy that both kids deserved a mom who didn’t want to go all Sylvia Plath on them and that the rewards of having a mom, a HAPPY or at least non-psychotic mom, was worth bottle feeding. I realized the anxiety was a *touch* out of control when I went to the grocery store and became convinced ninjas were going to jump out to kill me. Okay, really it’s so hard to find a balance between taking care of yourself and your little one. Remember you can’t take care of him unless you take care of yourself first. Also, someone above mentioned that kids do things for others they won’t do for you is very right…the first day mine went to daycare at around 1 and a half, he was a totally different kid. Don’t discount the pros when it comes to this stuff, but yeah, we kept ours out for the same reason, we felt he just wasn’t ready or able to be taken care of by someone else. For years we worked opposite schedules and never saw eachother for that reason, that was tough too.
Good luck and I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

M February 27, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Newborns are hard work! Especially if you have a “high needs” baby (Dr. Sears coined the term- I totally had one). It gets better, sometimes you have to just move through it instead of try to fix/change it- at least thats what seemed to work for us. I think around 4 months my little guy started to get really fun, and I started to be able to soothe him more consistently, and he could soothe himself some. I did find stopping dairy made some difference, but it took 3-4 weeks for that difference to be noticed.

New mom anxiety is a BITCH, especially if you were controlling to begin with (I’m guilty of this as well). I felt on edge a lot because I was waiting/hoping to avoid/walking on eggshells that my little guy would start to fuss/scream/become inconsolable. No one thing helped for us, just time and him growing up a bit. Having a supportive partner reduced the anxiety for me, although I still have OCD moments where I check in on him.

And about daycare- there are some great daycare’s that work with babies that struggle with bottles. Most of the babies at my daycare do not take bottles well at all and the moms come in on lunch to nurse. But I totally support/understand you quitting your job- I hate taking my son to daycare even though the daycare is awesome. I want/should be the one raising him and only wish I had the courage to quit. I say courage because I’m scared shitless about not being able to make it financially or get health insurance. I do however have a little plan to quit soon *hopefully* it works out.

MissCaron February 27, 2011 at 8:28 pm

GOOD. FOR. YOU.

For reals. You do what is right FOR YOU because you’re the one with the baby every day, not us! I’m proud of you for quitting your job because I believe that babies need their mommies… and you can always go back when he’s a little older if you want. Right now you need to focus on y’all. Also, meds will totally help. You’ll feel like a new person. Have you read “It Sucked and Then I Cried?” by DOOCE? (http://www.amazon.com/Sucked-Then-Cried-Breakdown-Margarita/dp/1416936017) I don’t even have a baby yet but I have been through therapy a few times and I’m a bit worried about what will happen to me. It was GREAT. Read it. And to quote Kit “Take care of YOU”.

XOXO

Zizette February 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Amanda hang in there babe. It is a really hard decision, all of it is. I feel for you, I do. My brother died 9 days after my son was born, I slept on the couch with my son for 5 months, I was lucky to be able to bring him to work with me (I worked for my dad so grandpa was all to happy to see his one and only grandson), I had difficulties with breast feeding and I did not like Daycare (which now seems odd to me as I ended up working for one I did not like and they were truly amazing). Then one day my neighbor went away for a week and her nanny offered to watch my son for me. Great, I could get some work done and try it out. AND the BIG bonus, she was gonna get Sam to sleep in his bed. She watched him 4 days and guess what? She got him to sleep in his bed for naps and her aunt (another nanny in my building) babysat him on that Saturday night and he slept there ever since. I was finally off the couch! (He would fall asleep early in the swing then wake up (11-ish) and nurse and we’d sleep together on the chaise part of the couch. I was a zombie. I probably had post-partum but was too engulfed in what was going on in my family.
A few months later I got my own nanny and he stayed home with her until I quit working after having my daughter.
My point is, he will be okay with whatever you do as long as you have confidence in what you are doing. If you need to get some outside help do it, if you need to work do it, if you need to run away screaming once in a while do it – as long as B is home with Baby G. You will get there, I promise. Some times and some people just take a little longer in getting it together and figuring it all out. Books make it sound easy but books don’t take different personalities (moms, dads and most importantly babies) into account. We all need to find our way, you will it just takes time. Good luck!
Zizette

Netty February 27, 2011 at 9:02 pm

MODG…..I don’t even know you and I just want to give you a hug and take care of Baby G for a bit so you can take a nap! I can feel the pain you’re in through your post and my heart goes out to you. Please…. please don’t resort to antidepressants just yet. My brother (with Downs Syndrome) is on them and after five years my family has found out just how horrible they can be. They end up causing so many more problems then they solve….doctors will put you on them…but when you ask to get off of them….they don’t know how to do that. But…obviously, you and Baby G need help. You’ve experienced alternatives before (girl…you freakin’ ate your placenta!!! Go MODG!) which is why I am writing this. Because Baby G has thursh (a yeast condition) and he was born via c-section (he didn’t pass through the vaginal canal and get all the good bacteria/yeast in his system that way)…he probably has a systemic yeast infection. This can cause all KINDS of problems and allergies and crankiness and sleep problems…. google candida symptoms and you’ll probably see a bunch he’s experiencing. You can heal this though…with probiotics (quality ones) and no sugars or things that feed the yeast (which I’d guess he’d get from your milk from what you’re eating…which is maybe why the rice and turkey diet, I’m going to guess, didn’t help much….the rice would just cause the yeast to grow). Maybe you can find a good naturopath in your area to help guide you. This woman is great http://www.gaiahealing.com/HTML/stewards.htm …but I don’t know how far she if from you. And for your own sanity…have you ever thought of trying acupuncture? It seriously ended all of my anxiety issues not to mention my physical symptoms from having three different tick infections. I went to therapists too and they just made it all WAY worse! You can find a GOOD acupuncturist by searching here http://www.tai.edu/Practitioners.aspx It’s a wonderful organization and is WAY different than traditional Chinese Medicine (which isn’t actually so traditional). Acupuncturists trained here know just the right thing to ask to get you to think of the situation or figure things out and then they give you a treatment which supports you. It’s AMAZING! AMAZING! There is nothing wrong with you….you just are responding naturally to an incredibly awful situation going on with someone that you love (Baby G)! Why wouldn’t it drive you nuts??!! :) I’m sure you’ll get tons of advice…and we will all counteract one another in “what you should do” but only you can know what’s right for you at this time. Do what feels right. But know…that there are alternatives to the standard path…and sometimes the path less traveled is the easier one in the long run. Good luck! We’re all supporting you and know you’ll figure it out. If you want to chat about any of this feel free to email me: pinups dot sew at gmail dot com

Michelle February 27, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Can you get him in to see a pediatric GI? Maybe they have some tricks.

Christy February 27, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Totally have gone through what you are going through. I swear I thought my daughter just was brought on the earth just to cry. Well she just actually just had severe reflux. She wouldn’t take a bottle either or if she did she just play around with it, but I had to make the mullah so she figured out what was up.

Good for you for seeing someone. Best thing ever to do. Seriously. Maybe a date night and a glass of wine too:)

Kyle February 27, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I have been reading your blog for a while and can not say enough how much I appreciate your candid honesty. I have a 6 week baby girl ( I was only a few weeks behind you during your pregnancy but then she decided to wait around until 41+ weeks!) and I have cited your blog more than a few times to my husband, mom, and midwife. Hehe. Your honesty is really refreshing among mom circles as it seems like everyone else makes things seem like roses and sunshine!

Ofjonesfame February 27, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Congrats on being jobless. Much better decision then sending him to daycare. Daycare is Satian– I’m not kidding. My boo got strep twice when she was two from THE TEACHER at daycare. I chewed their asses and almost went jobless as well. Fortunatly I had friends, and moms of friends, and stuff like that to help me out when I slate the daycare devil.

Baby G will thank you. I thank you for him.

Jenny February 27, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Girlfriend, anxiety meds work wonders, and there’s no shame in popping them when necessary! Take it from someone who took far too long to come to this realization. Thinking of you, xoxoox!

Daniela February 27, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Hang in there!! I agree with the people that said babies will adjust and remember they will always behave better for other people than they will for you. When Ethan started being a little terror at home, I mentioned something to his teachers and they said he was a perfect angel. He never, ever, naps well at home, but at school, he’ll sleep for 2-3 hours. We can only get 30 minutes or so from him. All that being said, whatever choice you make for you and your family is always the right one! Thanks for your honesty on here – you say all the things that other first time moms think! Things will get easier soon and the sleepless nights will be a distant memory before you know it!

B February 27, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I could tell you that it will all be ok, to just hang in there, but there is no piece of advice that more quickly inspires me to freak the eff out and go all spaz bitch on you. So i’ll spare you. Sometimes? Parenthood sucks. But more often, at least in the future, it will be amazing and worthwhile :)

Michelle February 27, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I don’t know how you are still so funny in the midst of new mommyhood. I know it doesn’t help your situation any, but I love your blog. You always make me laugh. I’ll probably hate you in a month when your problems are all fixed and I give birth to my bundle of joy and inherit the sleepless nights and other woes, but I’ll keep reading anyway.

Sarah February 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Unlike the other comments I can’t tell you that it will get better, for all I know it might not. I can’t give you tips and advice because I am *right there with ya* at this very moment. My little boy “E” was born in December and from your blog, these 2 babies could be best friends. E screams all.of.the.time and sometimes just for fun. Yes, constant screaming since he was born in December…ugh. The only time he will sleep is I hold his pacifier in his mouth for him while if he is being bouced, rocked and shhhed at the same time. Self soothing is a pipe dream at this point – I can’t even sooth him!

I *might* understand your anxiety. The one thing E is really good at is making me question my sanity and my ability to do anything. For me the anxiety is all consuming and multiplies daily. The anxiety is extremely hard to explain to anyone, my husband can’t understand it for the life of him. The tears are a never-ending cycle: baby cries for fun and I can’t sooth him so I cry, baby cries because I am crying. Rinse and repeat. People keep telling me that stepping away from the situation is good for baby and mom and I am sure you hear the same advice. Letting someone else take over baby duty is great but extremely difficult, sometimes it makes the anxiety worse. I am glad to see that you say B is good with G (when you let him). Congrats on seeking help – it shows you are a strong woman who will do everything for your family.

As far as being job-less, broke and stuck at home I think you will be alright. You are creative and strong, I am sure you will make the most out of it and have an awesome blog to tell the story. In the end I can do is l comiserate with you and cheer you on. Heck, I hope it means something to you that an internet stranger believes that you are strong!

e from ca February 28, 2011 at 12:33 am

Thanks for your great blog, I really needed it tonight…I too have a newborn and it is so hard! But I also have a 2 year old so I will ditto what others said: it WILL get better and so fun too.

Mandy S. February 28, 2011 at 1:29 am

All I can say is, good luck! I’m thinking about you, and I hope things get better soon. <3

Meg February 28, 2011 at 3:15 am

The first 3-4 (maybe even 5) months of my son’s life, I hated being a mom more often than I liked it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED my son! But I hated that I’d handed my life (& boobs) over on a platter to a tiny screaming tyrant who wouldn’t ever sleep the same way twice, didn’t let me shower, eat, pee..ANYTHING, without being attached to me. I had total meltdowns..threw plates, tubes of mascara…bottles of lotion, until they exploded & sprayed everywhere…I just couldn’t take the crying! It sucked. And I had friends with babies the same age going ‘I love being a mom! My life is great! Yay!’ And I hated those girls! Their babies slept & seemed so normal. I felt like I must be doing something wrong.

Well, my son’s almost a year now, & he’s still a high maintenance kiddo. But, things HAVE gotten better! Meds for sure helped. But the rest…I don’t know if I just eventually gave in & realized that I didn’t have to follow ‘rules’ & my kid doesn’t have to sleep through the night (though God knows I’d LOVE it if he’d do that consistantly!) or be weaned by a year, or sleep in his own crib (we co-sleep half the night). I’m his mom, & he’s my son & we do things OUR way!

You are an amazing mom. Baby G is so lucky to have you. Sooner or later you’re going to find a happy medium, & all that matters is that you do..it doesn’t matter how or if anyone else ‘approves’ of how you get there.

Meg February 28, 2011 at 3:16 am

The first 3-4 (maybe even 5) months of my son’s life, I hated being a mom more often than I liked it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED my son! But I hated that I’d handed my life (& boobs) over on a platter to a tiny screaming tyrant who wouldn’t ever sleep the same way twice, didn’t let me shower, eat, pee..ANYTHING, without being attached to me. I had total meltdowns..threw plates, tubes of mascara…bottles of lotion, until they exploded & sprayed everywhere…I just couldn’t take the crying! It sucked. And I had friends with babies the same age going ‘I love being a mom! My life is great! Yay!’ And I hated those girls! Their babies slept & seemed so normal. I felt like I must be doing something wrong.

Well, my son’s almost a year now, & he’s still a high maintenance kiddo. But, things HAVE gotten better! Meds for sure helped. But the rest…I don’t know if I just eventually gave in & realized that I didn’t have to follow ‘rules’ & my kid doesn’t have to sleep through the night (though God knows I’d LOVE it if he’d do that consistantly!) or be weaned by a year, or sleep in his own crib (we co-sleep half the night). I’m his mom, & he’s my son & we do things OUR way!

You are an amazing mom. Baby G is so lucky to have you. Sooner or later you’re going to find a happy medium, & all that matters is that you do..it doesn’t matter how or if anyone else ‘approves’ of how you get there.

Meg February 28, 2011 at 6:44 am

btw, when I took to throwing things, my son was always safely out of the vicinity. Just to clarify :)

Ulrike February 28, 2011 at 5:05 am

My baby boy C is 10 month old. I struggled pretty much the first 4 months of motherhood with all the crap you are going through right now. Being a control freak certainly doesn’t help… Well, and then I had A MOMENT. I just gave up. I kind of put everything on hold and *accepted* that this will be my life. Of course that wasn’t a concious decission. I was just completely over the edge. It helped though — giving up my expectations of how I was supposed to handle this. I am still freaking out about entertaining baby C for more than a couple of hours. Kindergarten helped a lot. I agree with some posts above: they do go along with a certain schedule if mommy isn’t around. Sometimes. C is doing fabulous and I was so afraid he wouldn’t. I am totally with you re quitting your job. In this part of the world you are able to stay at home for up to a year and receive 67% of your pre pregnancy income. I cannot imagine going back to work after just a couple of weeks. I simply wouldn’t have been able to do that. Amanda, it will get better!!!! Just hold on. All the best from Germany!

Stacy February 28, 2011 at 7:59 am

Hope your new counselor helps and you get the meds you need. I quit work as well. I had to go back at 6 weeks and I was done when I walked in one day and the teacher had her laughing. I had never heard her laugh before and do you know how many weeks it took me to get her to laugh? Too long. Although, I will say that I think having to take her at 6 weeks before she had any serious preferences for anyone was better. She transitioned fine and I did what I always do which is block out all bad things and pretend like they didn’t happen. (Healthy, right?) My daughter did take a bottle as I had to start supplementing with formula because she had a difficult time getting back up to her birth weight. Problem is, every baby is different and no matter how many books you read they don’t make “How to Make Baby G Happy, Drink From a Bottle and Sleep in His Crib.” Anyway, here’s someone who’s also making the SAHM work…..even though things are tighter. Good luck. You can do it.

drea February 28, 2011 at 8:15 am

THRUSH! It hurts, and it’s pissing Baby G off on top of everything else. It might also be a result of dairy issues. Treat that shit ASAP, and get yourself treated too, because yeast on your nips is nothing but bad news, and you two will pass it back and forth. Don’t let the docs give you nystatin – it is made with sugar and guess what yeast beasties feed on? Sugar. Get diflucan. I am really leary about medicating my kids, but after 4 bottles of nystatin, I figured that stuff was shit.

Also, I’m biased because I chose to stay at home with my two for almost the same reasons. However, I challenge you to find one mom who looks back and says “damn, I wish I’d spent less time with my kids.” Infants are selfish assholes. Toddlers, preschoolers and so on are too, but they learn to give a little. It’ll work out.

Stacey February 28, 2011 at 8:33 am

Hi Amanda! I came across your website and few weeks ago and have been reading it since, you are fraaaa-reaking hilarious. I have been reading through all your posts as I act as a part time milk factory, part time human pacifier to my 2 month old son. I used to think my boobs had some sex appeal…. now, not so much.

Anyway, It’s funny- we got married in the same month of the same year (my anniversary is Feb. 18) and we both had our first baby in the same month of the same year….. haha spooky!! My son was born December 26. So, I totally relate as I read your updates on baby G. I just wanted to suggest you try a weekly mommy group or something? I know you mentioned you went to the lactation support group… were the girls cool there? If not, I recommend trying another one to join. I just did this and found it to be immensely helpful in airing out some of my craziness that gets built up after sitting and rocking a baby all day every day like a crazy woman.

Good luck either way… I’m sure it only will get easier!! At least that is what I repeat to myself. :)

Stacey

Nicole J February 28, 2011 at 8:34 am

That’s a lot to have running thtough that pretty little head of yours. I go to therapy now because with my anxiety and depression we are afraid I’ll suffer from PPD once the baby is born. This is my prep course to learn how to tame my monsters so when July comes and the baby is finally here I’ll be in a better place. I know you’ll get through this, it’s not going to happen over night but with time and proper medication (if you go that route) things will slowly ease up. Best of luck girly!

Cheryl S. February 28, 2011 at 9:29 am

Isn’t PPD FUN? Yeah. It sucks. Getting on meds will help immensely, I promise. You are very lucky. You recognize that you need help. I couldn’t even say PPD until my daughter was about 2. That’s when I finally admitted to myself that the way I acted after she was born was NOT normal. I look back now (she’s 5) and I’m seriously pissed at myself because many months of her life got taken away from me by PPD. Hang in there. It gets better!!

susie February 28, 2011 at 11:10 am

Spaz Head…maybe. But I would say attentive, loving and worried wrapped up in a ball of sleep deprived new Momminess. I’ve been there lady. 2 years of Abby being attached to my boob. I know sleepless. Colicky the whole first year. Spasmy vomit Linda Blair shit. I get it. I know right now it won’t make you feel at all better. Quite frankly it just may piss you off but A. You are not alone and B. This phase will end. May be in 3 months, may be in 2 years but he will eventually grow out of this. Did I piss you off?
Your always so refreshingly honest and fun to read even though I know you are currently on level 4 in the 7 levels of hell. Sorry. :(

Mrs. Plank (formly known as Big Boops) February 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

Lexapro. That is all.

Khadijah February 28, 2011 at 11:43 am

I’ve been reading for awhile, but never knew what to say. I’ve always felt so bad. So one day, I was reading and my fiance was around and he was like, “Oh, that’s the girl with the cool nursery, how’s she doing”. Long story short, he was all, “OMG!!! She needs that man boob thing. Her husband can wear it with her breast milk, and she can go out for a little bit”. Just google it, it might make you laugh.

My nephew was a “c word” baby, and I would power walk around the house to stop him from turning into incredile hulk baby, looking at my cellphone to see how much time had passed, wondering if my sister went to Kalamazoo, South Brazil or local Walmart to get diapers. But then she’d come back and be all super refreshed drinking a slurpee. Then I’d leave and come back a week later, like, “Auntie missed you little guy!!” and start my power walking. I think in your heart you know what’s right and wrong and what’s best for you and baby G. Do that and forget about what everyone else says they did and how they felt and how the baby finally fell alseep crying it out. If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. You’ll find another job, if you want. Baby G will take the bottle soon and sleep in the crib. It’ll all work out and you won’t need man boobs! Unless you want.

Jenny February 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I say this with love in my heart, I think you are slowly going crazy from hormones and lack of sleep. I know you won’t believe this, even as I say this with my 16 years of experience being a mom, NOTHING YOU DO AT THIS POINT WILL HURT YOUR BABY (within reason, you know what I mean). He is being a pill and a little toughie, but his little nugget of a heart knows that you love him, but right now you are the one that really needs help. So glad you’re seeing a therapist, this is probably one of the toughest times of your life, and of course this is way too soon to go back to work, but see how you feel in a few months (I was/am a stay at home mom, but that choice is not for everyone – you might go crazy from lack of adult stimulation, and that is no good for anyone). I think you need to learn to trust other people with your angel, because otherwise you will go MAD:) Everyone, even you, needs a break.

Jill February 28, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I shouldn’t even comment on this, as I am single and baby-less, but I don’t blame you for quitting work. Up here in the Great White North, most moms get a year of maternity leave, and even at that it doesn’t seem like enough. When my sister had to go back to work after having her babies, I freaked enough for both of us. So yeah. A few months DEFINITELY doesn’t seem like enough time. I imagine one day, when I do have kids (*hope*hope*hope*) that I will be able to do the stay-at-home-mom thing (and also the reason why I’m always on the hunt for a multi-million-dollar-making-athlete for a husband).

Hang in there, dude.

Samantha February 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I know you’ve heard it a million times, but let me say it again, You Are NOT Alone and it WILL GET BETTER. The moment you found out you were pregnant, you were given every tool that you needed to be the best mom for your babe. You CAN do this…and you will. Praying for ya chica!

Erin February 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm

My son is 17 months old and I still have anxiety. No nap for me since I was pregnant. I don’t feel crazy anymore just anxious. I guess you just get used to it. Holy Basil works nice. So does Ativan, but be very careful with that shit. Withdrawals are awful. Real talk.

Whitney March 1, 2011 at 1:00 am

This too shall pass…

demi March 1, 2011 at 8:24 am

wow this sounds like a chapter out of my life when I first had isabel. i had to go on meds for anxiety/depression/craziness and thrush medication (for my nipples and her mouth). I just remember the night I finally got the baby down to sleep at 2am-and I coudln’t sleep because my anxiety was ripping a hole in my brain. I remember collapsing on my kitchen floor when I went to get some milk, just sobbing because i NEEDED SOME DAMN SLEEP. and i couldn’t. ain’t that some sh*t. meds helps SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA. and they aren’t forever if you don’t want it to be. trust your own instincts-what other people go through and recommend based on their experiences doesn’t mean diddly squat. you are the mother of G, and you know what is best. you are a good momma. excellent i would say!! :)

Maggie March 1, 2011 at 9:49 am

Dude, sending big pink sparkly hugs your way. There is NOTHING, not giant space monkeys or the apocolypse that compares to being a first time parent. It is the scariest shit out there. And the best thing that will ever happen to you. For what its worth, I’ve been there and my advice is meds sooner rather than later. You don’t get these days back, even with the second one, so you want to make sure you are as close to world domination-Amanda as possible so you can enjoy it more than fear it. I went the fear route with my firstborn and it bit the big one. then with my 2nd I looked anxiety in the face and said “STEP OFF BITCH, I HAVE ZOLOFT!!!” and it helped. big time. but that was me – meds may not be the thing for you but a good doctor who understands our new-mom craziness can really help, even if its just to listen and let us sob while leaving trails of boogers down their crisp, starched white jackets. hang tough and concentrate on ruling the world again, this too shall pass. Danny Tanner forever.

Pam March 1, 2011 at 10:24 am

I feel so bad for you when I read these posts. First of all get some anti anxiety meds. Secondly, don’t think that a daycare can’t handle your baby. I had something called Mother’s Morning Out (I was a stay at home Mom of 3 boys) 3 or 4 hours, 3 days a week. It allowed me to go to the store, make the beds, shave BOTH of my legs in the shower, or do nothing at all. Find someone with whom you can leave the baby, he will adapt. He needs to learn to be comforted by others. You need a Baby Whisperer. Wish I were closer, I would for sure take on Baby G! PS…….How is the turkey diet working?

Teisha March 1, 2011 at 11:00 am

Get the meds! It took me two babies and a crap ton of mini heart attacks to realize I needed them. Baby G will thank you and so will your heart.

Kourtni March 1, 2011 at 11:52 am

I just had to comment on this one. My third child (who ironically we also call Baby G) was the MOST demanding, loud, screaming, mom-clinging, not-bottle-taking, hated everyone who looked at her baby in the world. I thought I was going to lose my mind for at least the first year. But now that baby is 2 years old and she is AMAZINGLY easy. When she was first born I would sit there with my fussy fussy baby who wouldn’t let anyone but me hold her and watch all the other moms with their easy peasy quiet babies and get really REALLY jealous. But now it’s kinda like payback… cause those same moms now have 2 year olds who throw tantrums and scream bloody murder and my kids like….” whatev… I’m so above that nonsense. ” So maybe he’s like my child and he’s just getting it all out now. <3 Hang in there mama!!

kelly @ dare to be domestic March 1, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I have a best friend that just had her second child… her first daughter is 10 years old… and now she has a new born she said it was a total adjustment. She’s gone through a lot with her new son and she’s had issues letting go and letting her hubby help her out as well as others. She’s been going to counseling and says it’s helping her out more than she ever thought it would. Take all this day by day girl – I can’t begin to imagine all you’re feeling/going through because I haven’t been there myself but I think if you take care of yourself, taking care of Baby G will get easier for you in time. We’re all here for you!

Meghan March 1, 2011 at 1:01 pm

So I think you did the right thing. I have been reading through the comments (I switched to a reader because a lot of blogs were getting blocked by my super stupid uptight IT dept. and I still need my blogs, but I don’t get to see the comments or comment unless I GO to the blog, which I do with yours because you’re still my favorite out of all the ones I read) and I agree about Baby feeding off Mommy’s anxiety. I’m due in June, and I am about the biggest basket-case you will ever meet, so I am terrified of super-imposing my crazy on my baby girl. So I get that piece of advice.

The piece I don’t agree with (and again, this is a personal decision, so what’s right for me will not be right for everyone and I would NEVER judge) is the daycare thing. I do NOT want my baby in daycare. I know that the socialization is good for them, as well as building their immunity and preparing them for school, but to me putting an infant in daycare just doesn’t seem OK. They need their mommies. You only have a 0-1yr old once. I don’t want someone else experiencing that first year. So I think you did the right thing. I would give my right foot not to have to come back to work after little one is born. Who knows, I might not. I haven’t totally made up my mind yet. The one thing I HAVE made up my mind about is that I will walk through fire for the little thing that’s growing inside me now, and if that means quitting my job and taking a financial hit so that her mental health in her first year doesn’t suffer, that is what I will do. You’re doing what’s best for you and Baby G, and that above all else is the important thing.

Keep truckin, and yes, get some meds. They will help.

xoxo (and xoxoxoxoxo just because I feel for you)

Jen M. March 4, 2011 at 1:52 am

You crack me up!!! I know some people are taking this super seriously and are worried, but (and this is coming from a single, non-married, non-mother, so should be taken with an eighth of a grain of salt), your ability to throw all the shit out there and be real about it just shows that you are doing great!!! I’m so sick of people who have kids and act like everyone else who has never experienced the perfect bliss that is being a parent is to be pitied. I love babies and I love kids, but I’ve babysat my friends’ newborns. One night it was about 12.straight.hours. When they said they were just going to dinner and a concert. Apparently the concert required a cross country flight. Two hours in, we’re all good, having fun cooing and oohing and ahhing and smiles through diaper changes, and I go to make her bottle, and I face her towards me so she can see me while I’m in the kitchen making the bottle, and even though she’s only going to be like five feet away, the second I’m more than a foot away the WAILING starts. And. Never. Stops. OH MY GOD!!! So I’m trying to remember to take deep breaths while walking/cuddling/bouncy-walking baby girl through my house, trying everything to stay calm because I know babies can sense stress and anxiety on you, and every trick I ever discovered in my years and years of babysitting DIDN’T WORK. I thought I was going to die. Babies are hard! You can’t communicate with them! I think that’s why I love reading about the things you are going through with your baby G. FINALLY! Something that sounds real, and that I can actually relate to, even if my own experiences are just with my pseudo nieces and nephews. YA! You are an awesome mom!!! Having a baby is a huge life changing thing, and you’ve only had like what, a couple months to try and figure things out?!? I think it sounds like you are doing AWESOME. Really!

heather March 4, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Hi! I read your blog the other day, and then saw this onesie and thought of you- perfect, no?
http://www.mom4life.com/catalog.php?item=1623
Good luck with baby G, I do hope you get some sleep soon!

Janci March 4, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Sometimes it helps to put a heating pad on the crib mattress for a few minutes and then remove it right before you put him down so they don’t all of a sudden feel cold mattress. It’s worth a try if you haven’t tried it already :) hang in there, the first 3-4 months are the toughest but there’s light down that tunnel somewhere!!

Elizabeth March 12, 2011 at 11:00 pm

My son is about a month older than yours, and your blog cracks me up! I feel the same way about many of the things you post. I commented earlier about hypnobabies and c-section. Anyway, I quit my job too this week! I think you did a great thing, and I know BabyG thinks so too :)

Kristina August 11, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I found your blog somehow a few days ago and Ive been reading it during our nightly nursing sessions. I just wanted to say good for you for staying at home. My daughter is about a week younger than G. I have a four yr old son as well. As you probably know by now it gets better. I too have had major anxiety since her birth and actually cut out gluten from my diet. Anytime I eat it now the next day it’s like my brain is on drugs and I’m super snippy. I don’t know if your anxiety is cured by now as I haven’t read up to speed yet but it’s a thought. My bff and I write about baby wearing and all that jazz that you’re doing, no crying it out, etc if you ever need encouragment.

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