Featured, knocked up

Baby Weight. *this post is 90% not helpful and 90% honest* which means there are some helpful lies in there?

January 29, 2011

If I went to some blog and read some skinny bitch talk to me about how she’s sooo skinny and losing weight was sooo easy after her baby and that I should be sooo jealous, I would punch that blog in the boobs. For real. So that’s not what’s going to happen here my friends. We’re going to keep things correct and I’m going to level with you about fat stuff.

modg5editedFirst, I am not showing you before and after pictures from fatness to skinniness. That’s lame and drop kickable behavior. But I will be totally honest with you about gaining the weight, losing most of the weight, and where things are now with my body both physically and geographically. Like, where my boobs geographically lay on my body now. Hint: birds at least come back north after the winter. But there are some things I think I did right to *not* make me a milk spurting cow after baby g arrived. And if you’re like me, which you are, nothing is more important than skinny. Nothing.

Stuff about Skinnies and how I’m on the road there:

1) Luck. I know that’s a giant acid warhead to swallow, but I’m not going to be all, I’m so smart and skinny and did this all on my own. No. I’m lucky that I gained all my weight in my belly, where the baby lived. And I’m lucky that when the baby came out, so did most of the weight. I didn’t have one of those ass fattening pregnancies. And that my friends is seriously luck. If you’re looking for some luck, I recommend a healthy diet of lucky charm cereal marshmallows.

shown to illustrate that all the weight was in my belly. Also show to illustrate how I can pose like I’m on saved by the bell.

2) Breastfeeding. I know, that’s a big duh. But that extra 500 calories a day is a boat load of candy that I can eat. Or an imaginary trip to the gym (the best kind). If you can breastfeed, do it. It’s a big commitment, but so is gasping for my last dying breath on a treadmill. I’ll take sitting on a couch with the real housewives and a naked boob instead.

3) Sick. I was so sick. The week before I had baby G, B passed his super gross green snotty cold to me. Turns out having a baby is a big deal on your immune system. Especially when they have to cut it out of you. All of my heal cells went to my lady parts and my cold turned into a disease blizzard. I seriously haven’t been that sick in 100 years. I coughed so much that I bruised a rib, which hurt for a full month. What comes with cold? Lack of appetite. Now if I had a choice, I’d have rather NOT had this cold, but it did add to skinnies and I have to be honest about it.

4) Preg behavior. While I was pregnant, I actually acted smart. I went to the gym about 3 times a week and also did a preg workout video. I was only doing light stuff like elliptical, which is basically walking, with help from a machine. But I did work up a sweat so I wasn’t a total sloth for 9 months. I think this helped. However, I did eat cinnamon buns and soft pretzels hourly. I know, you can just hate me for that one. It’s fine.

5) Now….pregs, listen closely because this a way you can throw money at the problem, which is always my first choice. The Belly Bandit. It’s basically a corset, married to a girdle, with velcro. Kourtney Kardashian told me about it, so it was obviously a must have. You wrap it around your soft pooch literally the day after the baby pops out. I waited about 4 days, but I could have started wearing it sooner. It shrinks your uterus back to place and it seriously works. Day 4 I couldn’t fit it around me. Day 20 it was too big. Now you have to wrap that shit TIGHT. Think butch lesbian with an ace bandage tight. But it actually feels good. Bonus is it gives you a flat tummy appearance when you put a sweater over it. You wear it at ALL times except in the shower. I got the size small and should have then also bought the XS but I got poor and lazy. HEY BELLY BANDIT PEOPLE, send me the XS for this super great endorsement. Hearts to this product.

Photo not altered in any way.

So that’s my story. But for real, I’m still not back to where I was pre pregnancy. I am STILL IN MATERNITY JEANS. Do you hear that world? And I’m totally ok with it because it took me 9 months to gain 40 lbs and it’s going to take more than 7 weeks to get it all off. And I should probably go to the gym. Whatever.

Also maternity jeans 4 life. They are the shit’s rainbow.

Go forth and be skinny.



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  • starb4long January 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    It really has so much to do with luck, it’s crazy. I’m 8 weeks post pregnancy and I weigh 3 pounds less than before I was pregnant. Nevermind the fact that I was on bed rest for more than three months and our house was under a remodel so I ate fast food daily. :-/ I think lots of people hate me, but it really was luck. Luck and breast feeding. I sort of wish that I had a Belly Bandit. Maybe the next time around.

  • Heather@MamaSass January 29, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    I’m one if the 0.5% (or something like that) that don’t lose the baby weight til after breastfeeding. Yeah. Awesome for me. Stop my son breastfed for 2 years. Then I had to for a half marathon to finally get within 5 lbs of my pre preg weight.
    And then I got knocked up again. Whoops.
    Totally looking into the Belly Bandit. How its it after a c section?

    • Heather@MamaSass January 29, 2011 at 2:37 pm

      Pardon my typos. Autocorrect is such a bitch.

  • Winn January 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Lucky you. But it’s okay. I still heart you.
    I was one of those unlucky people who GAINED weight breast-feeding. Six months post-labor and I was back up to my pregnancy weight. I stopped that shit and dropped the weight. But seriously, my baby was only so-so about it, so the boobs were never more than a snack for him in between his regular meals of super-fancy formula that didn’t make him vomit gremlins.
    Sick is always my favorite diet. So is anxiety. Just being honest like you and Brittney. Heart you all!

  • Mo January 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Breastfeeding. I dont know how people DONT do this.

    Breastfeeding and a streshard teaching job put me in a jeans size that I had never ever fit into before. So… I concur that the formula definitely includes daily milkings and stress.

  • Sarah RDH January 29, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    I did not have the actual belly bandit, but my dr gave me an abdominal binder after both of my c-sections, and its basically the same thing. I wore it for the first few weeks both times. This time, I actually wore it pulled up over my boobs for awhile, bc I do not breastfeed my kids, and I had horrible mastitis this time around, so anything I could get my hands on to bind those suckers down, I was doing it. And that was one nice part about my 2nd c/s being planned…I was like ummm hey, can you like suction out everything you possibly can? Thanks. And seriously, she did this time, I hardly had any bleeding after, it was great.

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  • janet January 29, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Why do pregnancy sites insist on making me feel bad about the (probably) more than 35 pounds I’m going to gain (week 32 and at 31 or so pounds) when lots of thin women I know say they gained about 40 pounds? Babble.com, I’m looking at you especially and your stupid chart.

    • Rei January 30, 2011 at 9:46 am

      Don’t ever look at those charts. There is scientific proof (or maybe it’s just my opinion) that the weight gain charts are made by a-holes who were probably never pregnant. I gained 26 pounds the first pregnancy and was all like “hey, I’m so good at this”, and then the second time I gained like 40 something. F charts. F scales. F em all!

      • Suburban HIT January 31, 2011 at 9:56 am

        Janet, I’m going to tell you something only people IRL know. I gained at least 50 lbs in my first pregnancy. I say at least because I stopped weighing myself the week and a half before Babes was born, and let’s keep it real, we know I gain like 5 lbs sitting on bed rest and gorging on pizza and candy. Don’t stress. It’s not worth it. I managed to lose all the weight and then some with the help of my least favorite things ever – diet and exercise. Just enjoy being pregnant and being able to give your husband the evil eye when he asks if you really need that burger from Five Guys for a mid-day snack.

  • Meagan@Megs7827 January 29, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    This is a valuable post! Thank you! I’m considering the belly bandit thing but I think I might have it easy because I don’t seem to be able to gain the weight the internet says you are supposed to. Just luck and genetics. I’m sure people want to punch my blog in the boobs.

  • valeriewade January 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    I’ve been keeping up with your blog…I am depressed and feel like a small house with swollen ankles…you crack me up & reading this makes me happy! Belly Bandit is sitting in the babies closet ready for use! Was skeptical about it, so thanks for the review! This preggo sh*t is for the birds!

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic January 29, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    The shit’s rainbow – I am in love with this comment! Thank you for being honest girl. I have been browsing some pregnancy blogs and some of these young girls are able to bounce back SO quickly.. .makes my older ass worry about how stretched and a mess I will be after birth!!!

  • anne January 29, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    I’m jealous, seriously. When I was pregnant, I got fat literally everywhere BUT my stomach! It is possible, trust me. I looked about 6 months pregnant when I delivered. Now, I look about 5 months pregnant.

  • Mandy S. January 29, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I’m jealous, I’ll admit.
    I had my daughter literally 2 days before you had baby G, and I’m still 30 POUNDS above my pre-pregnancy weight. I got fat eeeverywhere, and it was especially bad because I’m only 5 feet tall so there’s not too much room for all that shit to go.

    Breastfeeding? Didn’t work for me, baby was allergic to my milk. (Who knew that could happen? Not me.)
    Belly Bandit? Couldn’t even afford the shipping.
    Exercise during pregnancy? Bed rest from 2 months on.

    So, there it is. My explanation for my extreme jealousy. But I also congratulate you on your luck, and the work you put in. :)

  • LaceyfromWeekendsatHome January 29, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Dude- in 5 months I am so all over the Belly Bandit. That sounds perf. And, well, if you have already tried it and love that is all I need to hear. I’m sold.
    BTW, did you go with the bamboo, couture, or original?

  • Amy January 29, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    LOVE the Belly Bandit. LOOOOOVE it! And yes, working out while prego is a MUST..plus, I ate an insane amount of apples to *beat* my cravings.

    Thanks for being realistic!

  • PorkStar January 29, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    …and I complain often about how hard it is for me to gain weight.

    Great post.

  • Anna January 29, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    Being due in May, I was very interested in your posts about calming the beast that is Baby G,( I watched the wrap video and it made me feel overwhelmed, I think I need to practice). I feel a bit shallow however that I was REALLY thrilled to see this pos. Will get a belly bandit right now. Am doing yoga, regular and pre-natal (practiced before pregnancy and have great teachers with lots of adaptations) 4/week except when I get a big cold like I did last week. Your immune system is really down in pregnancy. I feel very crappy not exercising and it is helpful for my sanity as well. Thanks for the info, hoping it all works for me too.

  • Christina January 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

    I am so happy to hear you enjoy your maternity jeans as much as I do. I have a preg friend 8 weeks ahead of me that refuses to wear maternity anything and rolled her eyes when I declared my love for maternity jeans. Seriously, if you wear a long enough top, you can’t tell they are maternity, and you can at least breathe! There is no hiding the baby bump at this point.
    Also am happy to hear your weight loss is going well. Also that you gained 40 pounds while exercising. I have been way too nervous over weight gain, but am working out consistently. I hate those weight gain charts.

    • Mo January 31, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      I held out on the maternity wear til month 8, then wondered why I had been so dumb. It was so nice to breathe again…and yeah, I’m still wearing them, a month after his birth. Eff my regular jeans and their sad attempts to mock me. I’ll get there when I get there.

  • J January 30, 2011 at 11:38 am

    You didn’t mention how you avoided becoming a milk-spirting cow after Baby G was born. Do tell.

  • Kathleen January 30, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Which Belly Bandit did you get? And size?

  • ashlie January 30, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Argh – so glad for you , but so frustrated for me! I had my baby right around when you had Baby G and I’m still 30 pounds over where I started. Yes, I lost 30 pounds already (yes, I gained 60 pounds) but I lost that within the first 2 weeks and now it’s come to a grinding halt. Belly Bandit? Check. But I outgrew mine in a few weeks as well. I also got the Shrinx Hips to help put things back in their place, and I’m still about 4 inches wider in the hips than I was before. Damn Taco Bell cravings while pregnant. What makes it worse is yes, I’m breastfeeding so I should be losing more weight. My baby is also super sensitive, so I am on a strict no caffeine, no fast food, no chocolate diet now but I’m still not losing weight! Seriously, how can I be breastfeeding around the clock, not eating anything bad for me (and hardly eating during the day) and going for walks in the snow with a baby strapped to me and am still not losing the weight? So frustrating. You are a lucky little gold star, my friend.

  • Christy January 30, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I seriously love reading your posts!! Your humor and whit always makes me laugh out loud. I know so cliche, but so true!! Keep on posting:)

  • Anne January 30, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Thank you so much for the advice. I took forever to lose the weight with my son, I still have five pounds to lose and now I’m preggo again! Ahhhh!!! This time I’m walking a mile and a half every day and buying the belly bandit. Hopefully it helps with the post baby weight! You look great, keep up the good work

  • Jessica January 31, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Can I wear the belly bandit if I haven’t had a baby? I think I need one. I guess I could exercise but like you said, eating mini marshmallows is so much more fun. :)

    Congrats on losing most of your baby weight already, you’re a lucky lady and I’m sure you look awesome.

  • sarah@grownupnow January 31, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Man I hope I’m as lucky as you when it comes to losing the baby weight. I’m definitely keeping this Belly Bandit nonsense in mind.

  • SpotaneousMom January 31, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Honesty is best!! and real! I gained about 40 lbs- and it took me 9 months to gain- and now a year later- the weight is finally falling off!! I would love a good case of the sickies- but I am having to do it the old fashioned way- workout and diet- booo…
    But with bathing suit season right around the corner- I REFUSE to feel like a whale at the pool this year! So I see it as I have two choices.
    1. loose the weight
    2. get pregnant again- LOL – nope not quite ready yet.

  • Lindsay January 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I am new to your blog. I happened upon through another fav blog of mine. At first I thought…. yeah yeah yeah another mommy blog. Then I really started reading it. You are Fing hilarious. I also have unnatural obsessions with Danny Tanner and B. Spears. I love your point of view, it’s very refreshing.

  • Alexandria Campbell February 1, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I was pretty lucky to after I had my baby. I only gained about 30 pounds when I was pregnant and it all went to the belly & boobs so after having my son I dropped the weight pretty good. The only thing that sucked was I ate myself into oblivion AFTER I had my son so instead of losing my baby weight I had put it back on. Yes. Fat bitch. Luckily. By his first birthday I realized I was a fat bitch and it was all gone. And now I’m actually smaller then I was pre-pregnancy (but that’s not saying a lot. Trust me.) When I go to get pregnant next time I am going to be very mindful of eating good extra calories and trying to work out (but I don’t even work out now and I have no baby)

  • Joy August 20, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Question – almost 9 months after C section, how does ur incision look? What are u using to help the scar heal and fade? I hope u got some cool products to share. Thx :)