knocked up

The birth story, Part 1. Warning: Lots of words. Just read them.

December 16, 2010

My birth story actually starts 30 years ago, with my own birth. Like with me, as a baby. But I’ll spare you the 30 years of bullshit that happened between then and now. See, I was 4 weeks late as a baby.  Which is a whole insane power packed month for my mother, where I just chilled and grew to 10lbs. Don’t ask me how medical science let that happen. I mean,  it was 1980, not 1780. Anyway, I was terrified of this becoming my fate with a growing Plankton who was in the 75th percentile already for HEAD SIZE. So I took some matters into my own hands. Mistake #1.

Most of you know me well enough to know that I don’t just sit around and wait for stuff. I make stuff happen. Usually it’s an internet blog war, but whatever. So at 38 weeks our midwife recommended I start shooting evening primrose oil pills up the vag to soften and prepare the cervix. She said there is a teeny tiny midget of a chance that it can make my water break but don’t worry about that. I was all, sounds good to me, break my water and let’s get this show started. Little did I know about anything, at all, like ever. Mistake #2.

Then I was all, something named “primrose” won’t make me go into labor, it just won’t. Maybe if it was named boarfist or something. So let’s google “accupressure for labor”. Oh cool and easy. I push these ankle spots and Plankton gets all agitated and comes out. Super neat. I think I’ll sit on my bed for 2 hours and push around my ankle spots. He won’t come that fast. It’s just ankles. Mistake #3.

Wake up at 4 am Tuesday morning to pee for the 48th time. Nothing new there. Only this time, all of my underwear is soaked. I seriously think that my use of the humidifier in my bedroom that night permeated my down comforter, skipped over the rest of my body parts and humidified JUST my underwear. Makes total sense at 4am. So I go back to sleep with new unders on.

5am. WET AGAIN. WHAT THE F? Am I peeing my pants? I go to the toilet and pee. I stop peeing, but pee keeps coming. What? Wait, not pee. Water. WATER. MY WATER BROKE!? CHEERS AND DANCES AND HOORAYS! I go wake up B in the guest room because me and Plank needed our space for a lot of times. B basically shits himself and then says he feels vomitty. Super. I tell him to go back to bed and let’s see what happens. Water breaking is good and baby is coming! Right? Mistake #4.

I can’t sleep. This is insane. So I call the midwife and she’s all happy cheery yays for me. Smiles all around. But she was like woah smiley cheery. Like trying to not make me freak out maybe? She tells me to come in at 10am and well check to make sure all is well. Ok sounds sparkle stars to me.

Then I start googling. (THIS IS ALWAYS A MISTAKE PEOPLE) Wait a minute, only 8-10% of women have their water break before labor starts? And it’s called PROM? And it’s not good??? I mean, yes all proms attended were never good, granted, I wore full on white sequins to one of them, but this prom is bad in a sequin-less way. It means “premature rupture of membranes”. And, uh oh, I don’t have any contractions. Ok nopanic nopanic nopanic… yet.

B and I hop in the car to head to the birth center. All is well with baby. By the way, at this point I have gone through 5 jumbo overnight super maxi pads. I am leaking like woah and it won’t stop. Leaking is a bad word. Gushing is better. You think water breaking is like, oooh water broke, cute, ok it’s over. No, it spills out of you until baby comes. And it’s sick. AND it smells like semen. Swear.

The midwife says we have to get labor going within 24 hours or the baby is at risk for infection. I’m fairly trusting of the midwife so I go along with what she’s saying. She hands me 2 little bottles of castor oil. I FEAR THE OIL. LIKE FOR REAL. And to be fair the bottles weren’t little. She tells me to mix that shit in a milkshake and chug. Oh man. The theory is that it causes diarrhea cramps which kicks the contractions into high gear. I have a bad feeling about this and I don’t want to do it. But I also want a regular normal birth, like really bad and I don’t want to go to the hospital. So I go along with it without questioning options. Mistake #5.

I puke up bottle #1. This would not be the last of the puke for a long long time. But bottle #2 I keep down after B mixed that shit in orange juice and vanilla ice cream. I pooped my face off and then they started. Real life contractions. Yay! Happiness. I chilled on my birth ball and B downloaded and app on his iPad to track contractions. This is really what he was interested in. HIS IPAD. Super.

Things start to get real, real fast. I’m using my hypnobabies tracks and chilling with the ipod and the ipad. What an Apple commercial that could have been. The contractions quickly get to about 3 minutes apart and last for about a minute. But they aren’t consistent. B said 39 times that they were “erratic”.  I told him if he said the word erratic one more time I would shove that ipad down his throat. He didn’t say it again. We needed consistency to know that it was time to go, so we called our doula who came over to help me smack B across the face. And to help my labor.

Hiring our doula and having her there from the start was one of the few things I actually did right. She saved my life. She would use my hypnobaby cues and would completely relax me. There was a huge difference between just sucking it up and going through the contraction motions versus being under hypnosis. I know it sounds a little Kelly Bensimon, but I swear it saved me. She also just like knew stuff. She’d be like, oh that’s normal or oh, relax it’s fine. Or ok it’s time to go. Definitive stuff. And not saying words like “erratic”.

But let’s pause for a spell and discuss contractions. Dude, they hurt. It is a ton of pressure radiating from your innards outward and down your legs straight to the depths of hell. And this was me only like 3 hours in. I was standing, kneeling, bending, laying, kneeling, you name it. If it’s a position you could actually get pregnant in, I tried to labor in it.

It’s about 9pm at this point and we’re headed to the birth center to meet the midwife and nurse. We have our bags packed and we’re going, doula in tow. You should know that since I first puked around 12pm from the castor oil, I puked about every hour since then. I couldn’t take a sip of water without puking. I chalked that up to regular labor stuff. Mistake 32. I can’t keep track at this point.

We arrive to the birth center and labor is for real real real. They hook me up to an IV because my fluids are so low from puking. It’s me, in hard labor, doula and midwife all hanging out. Where’s B you ask? SLEEPING. He took a 4 hour nap. Oh yes he did. He says I kicked him out for coughing too much. Dude, you’re lucky I didn’t choke the cough out of you but it’s not a cue to go nappy time. While I BIRTH YOUR SON.

That’s when I experienced The Awful. I capitalize it out of respect. The Awful happened for the first time around 4am at the birth center and about 6 times after that. I wasn’t prepared for The Awful and it’s full Awful powers….

Part 2 next.

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  • lilliebean December 16, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    So sad about the vomiting, definitely no fun! Glad it’s all over, excited for part 2!

    hope you and B are getting lots of sleep and cuddle/recovery time with baby.

    super sparkle loves!

  • Natalie December 16, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Contractions are a bitch. They’re the worse part of the entire labor pricess. I can’t believe you wrote a cliff hanger. I need to know what else happens!

    Congrats, by the way.

  • Winn December 16, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    How is it that you look so cute and non-puffy in the middle of labor?! Seriously! And yes, that’s the first thing I thought of when I saw that picture. Oh, and then I noticed the ipad. Nice.

    Can’t wait for the rest of the story. Sounds like a real dinger.

  • Anna December 16, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Been checking daily, since I am 20 weeks pregnant, I am pretty interested in everything about your labor. I was trying to decide on hiring the doula, think you just sealed the deal for me. Will keep reading and learning, glad you survived. Hope I look as good as you do on that birth ball.

  • Meagan@Megs7827 December 16, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I was about to tweet you and tell you to get on with the birth story already! Glad you posted part 1. But I’m scared.

  • Shandal December 16, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    You look too cute in that pic to have already had your water break and started labor. Great story so far, a little intense and scary, but I’m really looking forward to Part 2!!

  • Jessica December 16, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Contractions=Yucky! And I puked a few times when i was in labor, its worse then just puking! But you did look really cute and pretties on your birthing ball with the ipad! Apple should be calling!!! :)
    Cant wait for the rest of your story, Mama!

  • Norma December 16, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    cliffhanger!! :( glad GAVIN in doing well :) can’t wait for part 2

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic December 16, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    way to leave us hanging! I’m so interested in finding out what The Awful is… I’m sorry you were getting SO sick that’s horrible. I’m learning more through your posts on this than I ever would have gotten from friends. They are all “HAVE A BABY ALREADY” like it’s a piece of cake… I need to show them this!!!

  • Melissa December 16, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Oh MODG this is my third labor to a T! I had early labor, PROM, more early labor, which ended when my other two kids woke up, 20 hours of no contrax, 4 oz castor oil, the awful, awful, and more hours of awful (and the wonderful doula and midwife!)……getting to complete with a lip, pushing for hours and a hospital transfer and a CS 48 hours after labor started..My 9lb 2ozer simply wasn’t coming out. Can’t wait to hear the rest.

    PROM=total fucker.

    I catalogued my mistakes as well ~ the only thing that I can tell you on that is to go easy on yourself, we all do our best given our circumstances, and regret is a killer.

    I hear you, sister.

  • Jenny DB December 16, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    I hate you for this *awful* cliffhanger!

  • Sarah December 16, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Can’t believe you left us hanging!!!
    Congrats on your beautiful baby boy :)

  • Alexandria December 16, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    you do look adorable in that photo but its a little pornographic with the legs spread and lollipop no? LOL

  • Sarah RDH December 16, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Oh shit, I seriously cannot wait for part 2. My contractions, I remember feeling like I had to take the biggest shit ever, it was so big it was stuck there, and would NOT come out. It sucked. And no, it was not the baby stuck. Not until much later anyway.

  • One Ring to Rule Them All December 16, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I’m bringing an extra wastebasket to work for when I read Part 2. I fully expect to get shivers and barf and to go home and tell my boyfriend we’re never getting pregnant. Yay!

    • Rach December 16, 2010 at 10:02 pm

      I love this comment so much, I wanna marry it and *not* have its baby.

  • Miranda December 16, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    I am so sorry for your vomming. So, so sorry. I, too, had PROM. And I was given the evil Devil’s drug. Pitocin.

    This is such a cliffhanger.

    • LynzB December 17, 2010 at 9:21 am

      Me too. PROM, lots of *erratic* contractions (12 hours of erratic contractions to be exact), my doula and nurse telling me we needed to start the pit drip to “get things moving” (I was in a hospital, you see), and then 5 EXCRUCIATING hours later, my 2nd daughter was born. I couldn’t hang with the cool chicks like MODG with no pain meds. I. changed my mind after a few hours and did the blessed epidural, which wore off by the time my daughter’s giant head gave my vag a huge 2nd degree tear. Oh, the beauty of childbirth. I can’t wait to have another one. Can’t wait to hear Part 2! I feel awful in advance that it was the awful for you!

  • ash December 16, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    thanks for part 1 of the birth story, looking forward to part 2!

  • abby December 16, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    seriously?!?! you aren’t allowed longer than 24 hrs for this pause. i’m dying.

  • Lisa December 16, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Dying. Part Two please!!!! You look really pretty in that picture! Not like in serious labor pretty but normal every day pretty.

  • ang December 16, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    OOOOMG I can’t wait to hear about The Awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • swella December 16, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    omg. b went to sleep? oh yeah- a slap was in order.
    my husband (ex now) was in the military when i had our son and he was out in the field while i was in labor. he was on the phone the whole time (after they hunted him down and got him to the phone) and kept asking if i was in pain. WTF? a human being the size of 2 OBLONG watermelons was coming out of a space the size of a quarter and you want to know if i am in pain? oh god, if he had been there- he would have gotten slapped too.
    oh, sorry for the flashback. birth stories take me there (and that was 17 years ago)
    back to your story…
    glad it is over and that everyone made it safely and healthy! waiting for part two!

  • Shannon December 16, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    So after only reading part 1 and not knowing what The Awful is I’m already rethinking this whole baby making bizness. I think after reading part 2 adoption may be in my future. Can’t wait.

    Congrats again.

  • Miranda December 16, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    OMG- I have been waiting to hear this story for what feels like forever!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let part 2 be tomorrow! Big sparkle hugs to the new MODG family of three!

  • B December 16, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    I’d been willing to bet the awful = back labor. At least for me it did.

  • Kate December 16, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I haven’t even read this yet, but YYYYYEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!

    SO glad the time had come- gotta go read now, sorry in advance if this was an inappropriate response.

  • Jessica December 16, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Is The Awful another butt nut? Please say no and that it’s Plankton’s legal name.

  • December 16, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Pete and I are both reading this on our separate computers at the same time. And I am so glad you are educating him as to the behaviors that will make be stab him when our time comes. SO ready for Part 2. And for more Gavin pics. And oh, by the way, you look like extra beautiful sitting on that ball so if you are in labor then eff you…

  • Lexi December 16, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    FUNNY post, The Awful has to be pooping yourself, right? If it’snot, them I’m scurrrrred.

    Gavin, you have a super sparkly mommie!

  • Colleen December 16, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Dude! My husband fell asleep during our labor too!!! In between horrible, awful back labor contractions I would look up and he’d be laying on the bed, sleeping away. And i puked a bunch of times as well…the worst. Go you, but if you wait as long to post part one as you did part two, I will murder you. Can’t wait to hear the rest!

    • Colleen December 16, 2010 at 10:54 pm

      totally kidding about that whole death threat business, by the way. I forget that tone doesn’t exactly carry via the world wide web. plus you are rocking the postpartum hormones so all you should get right now is love and sparkles. sorry. I’m just really excited about part two.

  • kelly December 16, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    You left us hanging!

  • Big Boops December 16, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    You MUST finish tomorrow. I can not enjoy Christmas until I hear the rest of this story!!!!! I swear to the baby Jesus and the baby Gavin!!!!!!! I have literally been crapping myself daily and checking here like a pyscho everyday. You should be rich for these powers woman!

  • Sarah vL December 16, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    MODG!!! You’re hereeeeeeee! For some reason this isn’t so much a cliffhanger for me only because we know you survived and Gavin is alive and wonderful. I have been stalking your site and fb though just by chance that you’ve updated. So glad to hear your voice. Is that weird? Sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine your thought process throughout all of this, but I’m glad you made it out alive. I’m also thrilled that you are educating me/us on the whole making-life-then-giving-life progression. All of these things I never even KNEW! Thank you.

    On a semi-related note, did B give you a birthing present? Like some blingy diamonds, just like Bethenny and Jason? What can we get you for a birthing present? :) Hope you’re getting lots of rest. Sorry this is such a long comment!

  • Katie December 16, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Are you effin kidding me???! You are not some GD TV show that’s to be continued!! Baaahg

  • Rebecca December 16, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Oh. my. GOD. My pregnant self may be laying wide-eyed in a fetal position all night, wondering what “The Awful” is. I have some guesses, all nightmarish. I’m really glad that I know there is a happy ending.

    My husband has already made it clear that he plans to play games on his phone while I am in labor. I am sure he will sneak in some naps, too. Must be nice…

  • Rach December 16, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    OH EM GEE. I hope B got you the swankiest of swanky push presents. That is some shit, saying erratic when you specifically said not to and then taking a nap. J is already on notice after reading this (and babies are wayyyyyyyy off yet, I’m talkin’ hoverdrafts and apes taking over the planet).

    You know this is going to be a HUGE segment of the MODG E! True Hollywood Story, right?

    So happy you’re all safe, healthy, happy!

  • Sara December 16, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    I’ve found myself checking my reader every day since Plank’s arrival awaiting this post. Now I could pee myself in anticipation of the next. Hopefully not water-breaking-type pee, but I make no promises

  • Sunny December 16, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW SKINNY U LOOK IN LABOR ON THAT BALL THING!!!!! UR ARMS AND LEGS AND EVEN FACE AND BELLY R SO TINY I’M JEALOUS!!!!! I gained 100 pounds with each of my children and I am usualy 5’3″ and about 110 pounds since I reached adulthood! I was a wale! I have of course lost it all but so not cute prego or labor or the first 2 yrs of their lives pics! U look gorgeous!!!!!! And congrats on baby G btw!!!!! Lol

  • Mom of 4 December 16, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    My poor poor Modg! I also had my water break with my first(and I also totally thought I had lost all control of my bladder and didn’t realize it was my water breaking till I tried to STOP peeing! lol), and no contractions. Took the damn caster oil, and all that shit did was make me puke and poop myself. I agree with whoever said Pitocin was the devils drug! I had to have that with 3 of my kids and that stuff is E-V-I-L! And B sleeping……classic man thing to do!! I took to throwing ice and other reachable things at dh while he snored away not during one birth but 3 births!!! Hugs to you Modg, I hope baby Gavin is sleeping well for you. Can’t wait for Part 2!!

  • Lluvia December 17, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Oh boy!!
    I can only imagine what the awful might be!!
    Can’t wait for part two!!

  • Alyssa December 17, 2010 at 1:10 am

    we need part two NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Michelle December 17, 2010 at 7:48 am

    not. cool. I hate cliffhangers!

  • candiedpixie December 17, 2010 at 8:24 am


    1. You are obviously still hysterical, even when typing a scary birth story.
    3. I just texted Don that I want a doula when I get pregnant to help my vag shit sparkles & love.
    4. In pure MODG style, we get a cliffhanger. You know we hate cliffhangers. But I guess you’re off the hook for allowing us to see adorable Planky.
    5. I cannot even believe you really drank that castor oil.
    6. I will also have to buy an iPad before the 8th month of pregnancy.
    7. B was sleeping? What does he think this is? Optional? NOT. I want to kick him in the shin for you. I’m a little disappointed in B. But, the picture of him with G you last posted? I guess that gives him some make up points.

  • Lacey December 17, 2010 at 8:26 am

    This post made my Friday! I am eagerly waiting part 2 as I sip my coffee, munch breakfast wrap, and read those “other” blogs!

  • Jill December 17, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Whoa. I’m laughing and I’m terrified all at the same time…

    Part 2! Bring it!!

  • Jasmine December 17, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Wow! What an experience, can’t wait for the rest!

  • chinamommy December 17, 2010 at 10:13 am

    totally light headed & a tiny bit dizzy (& thankful I CHOSE to adopt)…..but can’t wait for part 2!

  • MommyLisa December 17, 2010 at 10:36 am

    This is why people hate me…my birth story was totally uneventful.

  • Ally December 17, 2010 at 10:43 am

    But you survived! And the people need part two!!! Hurry it up sista.

  • jules December 17, 2010 at 11:13 am

    The Awful? OMG. WHAT IS The Awful? So glad you seem to be OK though! Can’t wait for part 2!

  • Becky Mochaface December 17, 2010 at 11:44 am

    CLIFFHANGER! Gah I love a good cliffhanger. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT???? I MUST KNOW.

  • kate December 17, 2010 at 11:47 am

    DOOD. Don’t leave me hanging like that! What the hell is the AWFUL?! Now I’m scared. I’m @ 19 weeks.

    Also, about B taking a nap….must be effing nice!! Someone gave my hubs a book about what he was to expect during the labor process with tips and all, and it said “bring some snacks, you might be in the hospital overnight when the cafeteria is closed” and “be sure to wear comfortable shoes – there may be a lot of standing, and your feet may ache a little” and I’m all. WTF? Your FEET might hurt? How about my VAG hurting?? Whoever wrote that book is a douche. (and probably a guy)

  • brianne December 17, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I’ve got 3 kids and my water broke before even a hint of contractions with 2 of them. I never knew about PROM….anywho, I was 4 weeks late too, and weighed 11lbs 2oz. My mothers doctor kept telling her she must have had her dates wrong. When I came out the size of a toddler he said, “Oh I guess you were right.”. If my mom hadn’t pushed a ginormous baby out of her she would have kicked his ass…

  • Kaelaqlc December 17, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Dude, way to GO on the birthing outfits preparation. You are a rockstar and manage to look like one while in labor, so good for you. Can’t wait for Part II!

  • Harbormom December 17, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    I was a dry birth as well, 3 days after my mother’s water broke. Back then (43) they didn’t have Cervidil, or Stadol, or any of those things, and we were 50 miles from the nearest hospital so my mom had her first three (I was the last of those) at home with a doctor in attendance. Breech (one foot, actually) presentation, dry birth, Horrors. She reminded me of it yearly on my birthday. I showed her: My first came in 1.5 hours and my second in 2.5 hours. No time for drugs with either, but not long enough in labor to really matter. For you, all I can think is poor, poor baby…and I hope I don’t get fired for checking your blog every 15 minutes for updates, and how I can’t wait for part 3. And PICTURES!

  • hotpants™ December 17, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Contractions are the worst. I didn’t vomit until after. I can’t imagine having to throw up that much while having contractions.

  • Rachel {at} It's a Hero December 23, 2010 at 5:46 am

    I’ve never been scared from a birthing story before. Well, until now.

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