knocked up

Dear Jesus, I’m calling bullshit on you. Also not fair.

November 16, 2010

As you all know I’ve been a bit of a sad bear since this weekend. I was nominated for best pregnancy blog and asked forced you all to vote for me until your fingers bled. You did, because that’s what best friends forever do. And we still lost. And Jesus won. Well, the Jesus blog won. I guess I can’t compete against Jesus. But I really thought that Jesus would be fair about this one. Here’s why:

1) Obviously you all know that I’m a reverend. That means that  because I filled out this online application, Jesus should help me out first. It’s like when you take the time to fill out the application to be a super club card holder at the grocery store and you get discounts that the common folk don’t have. I HAD A JESUS SUPER CLUB CARD.

2) I’m pregnant. Not news. My baby is due Dec 22nd. That’s 3 days away from Christmas. That makes me 3 units of holiness away from being the next Mary and my baby being the next Jesus. NEWS. And my baby could even still come ON Christmas which makes me the most holiest of them all. So if Plankton is the next Jesus, the current Jesus should help me out. Like how the old miss america crowns the new miss america and they hug and cry and form special bonds. Where’s our special bond Jesus?

3) Contrary to popular belief, Jesus isn’t all boring, sitting in a robe, brushing his hair. No. He likes to party and do stuff and have a good time. I thought he would just be more of a MODG reader for that reason. I mean, you all know that things around here get weird but we all kind of understand each other. Jesus is like that too. See? Here’s a picture of Jesus raising the roof. I took it at a wedding we just went to.

this is obviously someone we could party with.


5) My Christmas card last year I really really wanted to be a manger scene. I was going to dress as Mary, Charlie was going to be Jesus, Willy was going to be a sheep and B was going to be Joseph. But then I felt like having a glass of wine and eating a gingerbread house instead. So that didn’t happen. BUT I WANTED TO.

like this except way more real and stuff

6) That reminds me. WINE. I LOVE WINE!!! Wine is all over the bible. It’s like “Jesus said important stuff and then everyone drank wine!”  I would drink wine with Jesus. Or anyone really, except the fat man who used to sit on my stoop. Well maybe him if he was buying.

7) My birthday is November 26th. But my parents always think it’s November 25th. But they remind themselves that it’s NOT the 25th because that day is Jesus’ birthday, except in December. And in their words “Amanda is the opposite of Jesus”. So I’m not really sure how that’s a reason for Jesus to be on team MODG. Whatever.

So folks, we’ve learned that around here, we’re good at a lot of things: making ms paint drawings, being asian, discussing hollywood babies, exploring rectal remedies….but when it comes to competitions with Jesus, we just can’t win.

However, Jesus, if you’re reading this, I hope you will take into consideration the reasons I have listed for why you should not only be on team MODG but I will also let you into the Danny Tanner Double Hearts Club. JUST BECAUSE I’M THAT NICE.

Thanks to everyone who voted. I don’t need an ipad or world wide internet fame when I have great virtual friends like you.

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  • Desiree November 16, 2010 at 7:07 am

    I bet Jesus has bigger and better plans for you and your blog. You know they always say he works in mysterious ways…(pretty deep huh?)

  • Andrea November 16, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Do you know why you should have won?? Because you are F-ing hilarious! Seriously, Jesus raising the roof??? YES PLEASE. Oh, well…maybe you didn’t win because you don’t bombard us with pregnant crap, instead, you bombard us with awesome hilariousness, which is why we love you!

  • Lisa November 16, 2010 at 7:51 am

    I love you so much MODG!

    That manger photo kills me- there is no way you would find it or any of the other awesome stuff you give us on other lame-o “pregnancy” blogs. (again…I don’t want to be a sore loser BUT the only “pregnancy” thing I noticed on that “other” blog was her gross damn stick. WTF? Who knows, maybe there was a whole lot more prego crap, but there was no way I was going to stick around and check it out- SNORE FEST!!!!)

  • Rachel November 16, 2010 at 8:17 am

    I feel like I let you down. Sunday night, I was sitting at my computer voting my heart out, and then my freaking internet went out and didn’t come back until last night. I hope I can still be your virtual friend.

  • Brittany November 16, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Jesus lady had an unfair advantage. She should have never been allowed to enter. Also, I have been spying on the competition’s blog & it is really not as awesome as MODG. I’m a little upset with Jesus right now, because clearly you are supposed to be the winner. See look:

  • Mo November 16, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Maybe Jesus is embarassed that he snarfed Jesus juice when he read the rectal rockets post. And then tried them out for his Jesus hemmoroids.

  • Becky Mochaface November 16, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Jesus will need to bring his own glitter to the party. Though I’m pretty sure that won’t be a problem for him because he’s Jesus. Obviously.

  • Ofjonesfame November 16, 2010 at 8:55 am

    I still have faith that we won. Like, for some reason OUR lines weren’t moving but behind the scenes MODG was off the scale! I’m waiting for the the announcement, and for the winner to be MODG, because I have faith that Jesus knows that your blog makes many giggle till they pee. Pee sparkles darn it!

    Just waiting for the bump to fix the glitch and get on with it…

  • Kaye November 16, 2010 at 9:02 am

    I feel bad for the baby :(. Unless you’re incredibly awesome parents and will split his birthday with Christmas. My birthday is the 27th, two days after obviously and it always sucked. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so spoiled? anyway lol i’m sorry you lost. I still love your blog and frankly that’s really all that matters :P.

    • Karena November 19, 2010 at 3:38 pm

      Mine is Dec 30th and while I LOVE being a Capricorn, my birthday’s ALWAYS sucked.

      • One Ring to Rule Them All November 19, 2010 at 3:58 pm

        Same here, Karena. But my accountant father always tells the story of how I gave him the best ever gift on the day I was born – a tax refund for 1979. I mean, I honestly think that’s why I’m his favorite. And also because my sister went to stupid University of Florida while I went to The (Awesome) Florida State University. (flame all you want, gators. You’ll never be as hot as Chief Osceola and Renegade!)

  • Jessica November 16, 2010 at 9:12 am

    I’m sorry you lost MODG, I really tried. Please don’t stone me. :(

  • Naomi November 16, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Jesus just needs to get real, already! MODG Totally deserves this award. End of story. MODG wins. And if she really doesn’t win, she’s still a winner in our hearts 😐

  • Elly Lou November 16, 2010 at 9:25 am

    I’m pretty sure Jeb Bush was somehow involved with the voting process. I call shenanigans.

  • Naomi November 16, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Just saw the voting is now closed. This is all I have for you:

  • KMW November 16, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I love your blog and I voted until my fingers bled. There is obvs. some funky business going on behind the scenes of bump-voting headquarters. They can have their holy jesus blog and we’ll keep the wine. Whatevs. You’re still the winner in our sparkle hearts – mostly for your awesome drawings and honest rocket-talk.

    Big hugs to you MODG.

  • Cindy November 16, 2010 at 10:14 am

    I almost didn’t read this post because, as a Christian, I was pretty sure I’d be offended. But at least half of it made me laugh. I voted for you several times. I took a quick look at the blog of the person who was in the lead, but my first impression of it was that it was so lame that I clicked out right away. If she wins, I call bullshit too.


    • jamie November 24, 2010 at 8:23 am

      Ditto that.

  • Elizabeth November 16, 2010 at 10:36 am

    MODG, I don’t know how I came across your blog and frankly I don’t care. I’m not pregnant, don’t have any chillins, and most of this shouldn’t be relatable to me. That said, you’re awesome and I voted my ass off for you…thanks for being a hilarious new addition to my life.
    Also, my birthday is on Christmas Eve. Never, ever, wrap Planky’s gifts in Christmas paper. Ever. My mom also threatened all of my relatives against combo gifts from the day I was born, so that was never an issue.

    • Jaime November 16, 2010 at 1:11 pm

      I agree 1000%!! I am an almost Christmas baby as well and it is super traumatic when you get your bday gifts in Xmas paper…seriously, WTF!?? And it was lucky if you got bday gifts at all!! I got so many obviously Xmas gifts, (wrapped in xmas paper AND with an Xmas card) with a “oh and Happy Birthday!” scribbled at the end. So LAME. And these are people who I bought TWO gifts per year and I got only ONE in return!?!? Now that I am old and lame, it doesn’t bother me so much anymore, but man oh man was I a bitter teenager!! LOL!!!

  • M November 16, 2010 at 10:42 am

    People who win in Jesus’ book usually end up stoned or decapitated or a variety of other terrible things. Maybe you’re just better off second place on this one, MODG.

    • Jennifer November 16, 2010 at 12:54 pm


  • kelly @Dare to be Domestic November 16, 2010 at 10:44 am

    BLERG – I really hate that you didn’t win. I hit that vote button about a bajillion times I guess I should have hit it about 10 more after that. Regardless of the title or not you do have the best baby blog ever. I say that because you keep it REAL. Sometimes frightening but still REAL! Cheers to you and your honesty, your loyal followers and all that jazz!!! Baby P is one lucky little booger to have peeps like you, B and the kitties in his life and we’re ready to watch you rock the MOM blog like only a cool mom could! WORD TO MARY N’ BIG BABY JESUS!

  • Emma November 16, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Clearly Jesus doesn’t understand how cool it is to be in the MODG club. He’ll come round, you’ll see.

  • Meli November 16, 2010 at 11:56 am

    OMG…you are going to hell for the Picture under # 2…LOL. I am NOT judging though. Raise the roof.

  • Kelly November 16, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Hallelujah sister. That’s a bad ass Jesus list.

  • *LLUVIA* November 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    I voted voted voted vote!!! I dont mind Jesus. I actually like Him. But I cant stand sweet corny blogs!! She had an advantage over you though: her church friends!

  • Tricia November 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    In the car this morning my daughter says, “If you were a unicorn who lived on a cloud and ate marshmallows and gumdrops all day, what would be your favorite thing to do?” I replied, “Read MODG,” because obviously that is what all sparkly unicorns would do. My daughter looked at me like I was dumb, and said, “No, like a REAL thing to do.”

    Obviously THIS, not the Jesus thing, is your problem. You have yet to capture your nine-year-old audience.

    • Brittany November 16, 2010 at 1:41 pm

      Bahahahaha, I bet MODG would capture the 9 years old way better with her sparkle & glitter than OFamily would with her walk-with-JesusO talk. ((Btw, did I mention how much I hate that the competition puts an “O” in front of or behind everything? ))

  • J November 16, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Jesus is not only raising the roof in that picture, he is also doing the CAPTAIN MORGAN STANCE! Heck yeah MODG, we could totally party with the J-man.

    Double hearts you and your secret humbleness :)

  • Mom and Dem November 16, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    I wrote this totally awesome comment about settling the score with the “winner” (I use that loosely of course, just like your mom) Anyway, I wanted to have a baby battle between Planky and Jeezus O. Baby with lots of fun categories to see who really wins. But, for some reason, my comment disappeared into the Internets….We’ve angered Jesus, maybe?

  • Not Just Mom November 16, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Thanks for causing me to spit coffee onto my keyboard and audibly snort in laughter. My coworkers are frightened.

    You’re still a winner to your readers!


  • S November 16, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    People that like Jesus also like to have babies and read blogs by other women that like Jesus hand have babies. I didn’t think your blog was a pregnancy blog; just a way to prolong high school. You’re like the internet equivalent of a Queen Bee that attracts other narcissistic girls who pretend that everything you say is awesome and hilarious. You’re not, really. Well, you used to be funny, but that baby is sucking all the cleverness right out of you. Actually, you might just be the same as you’ve always been but at some point, it looks ridiculous for a 30 year old pregnant broad to carry on like you do.

    Don’t get me wrong, that other blog was heinous and that girl and I would not be friends. But all the Jesus talk is low. And no, I’m not a “Jesus freak.” I’m sure you just meant it to be funny but its coming off as pathetic and offensive.

    You’re going to be a mother soon and not everything is going to revolve around you. Enjoy.

    • Naomi November 16, 2010 at 4:12 pm

      I bet you have alot of friends!

      Get the hell over it. If you don’t like it, don’t read it!

    • Mom and Dem November 16, 2010 at 4:13 pm

      S, is that comment really what Jesus would do?

      • C November 16, 2010 at 4:55 pm

        Reading this comment is like watching my dog rub its ass on the carpet for an hour. Jesus

    • Heather November 16, 2010 at 5:16 pm

      If MODG apparently “attracts other narcissistic girls” and you’re here commenting….

      Maybe you like Jesus and have babies and are grumpy that as a mother, everything doesn’t revolve around you anymore?

      Or perhaps you are unaware of what a joke is. Hmm. Either way, I will pray for you, S. And I will ask my reverend, Amanda, to do the same.

    • Jenn November 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

      Pardon me S? Are you where fun goes to die?????

    • J November 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm

      Wait. .So you’re telling 30 isn’t the new 20? Since I’m 30 and my life is pretty much over according to you, I should retire the high heals and little black dresses for sweat pants and depends?

    • Brittany November 16, 2010 at 7:30 pm

      I think you’re just jealous because MODG is always going to be cooler than you. Do you realize that YOU are coming off as pathetic & offensive?

    • KMW November 16, 2010 at 10:05 pm

      S – I guess that whole “turn the other cheek” and “do unto others” stuff is just crap? Or is it a case of “do as I say, not as I do” because I’m pretty sure that’s not very Christian behaviour.

      I’m pretty sure this blog is not meant to be offensive but show a lighter (and honest) side of pregnancy – and be candid about some of the more “undesirable” aspects of this time in a woman’s life. If it’s not to your liking, you have the choice not to read it instead of sinking low and making nasty comments. Seems to me the thing making this blog “high school” is your above comment.

    • ElsMom November 17, 2010 at 4:40 pm

      Really? If you don’t like it. . . Don’t read it! I’m pretty sure that there were people like you in school too, the ones that secretly wished they could be funny, pretty, well-liked, etc, but instead they walked around pretending they were above it all!

      I like Jesus, and I’m pretty sure He would think you were being judgmental and worrying too much about what other people are doing, and not even noticing that you are carrying around a chip the size of the world. I am not the judge of all things funny, but I know that if I didn’t think MODG was funny I wouldn’t waste my time reading, much less making pathetic, offensive and hateful comments on the site.

      GO AWAY, we don’t want you here!

    • AP November 19, 2010 at 11:21 am

      S, ten bucks says your child has a Winnie the Pooh nursery.

      • Karena November 19, 2010 at 3:45 pm

        I am ROTFLMAO at AP’s comment. Awesome. All you ladies are awesome, with the exception of S of course. I feel like I’m on an episode of gossip girl and S is really Juliet who wants to be cool, but tried that by being a conniving bitch and it didn’t work. S, g on, admit how jalous you are that you aren’t anywhere near as clever, funny, or smart as MODG. Because that’s all your comment says to me. Jealousy.

  • Girly November 16, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    I’m shocked you lost, but maybe you can turn your energy towards making Plankton the next big thing in Japan

  • Ashley November 16, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Ouch, someone’s man is growing a stach for Movember and apparently she’s not been getting any moustache rides.

    ‘S’ please get over your high school issues as obviously you weren’t popular and hated the ‘queen bee’. Althought I may be a ‘narcisstic girl’ I can assure you I don’t pretend that all she says is awesome and hilarious because quite frankly, it just is awesome and hilarious.

    The Jesus talk might be pathetic to you, but it made for an interesting post for all others who have commented as you can see. Perhaps you should hop on over to the other girl’s blog, you seem about as interesting as she is.

    • Rach November 16, 2010 at 4:31 pm

      Hear, hear!! I heart us bitchy girls, four-dash-EVAHHH!!!!

      Also? Nut up and put your real damn name. Otherwise, my lovely “S,” you are no better in relying on the relative anonymity of the Internet to “out” people for their behavior. My boyfriend and I have a term for that: we call it NetBalls, and you, darling, have a SCORCHING case.

      • Jenn November 16, 2010 at 6:53 pm

        “Nut up” bahaha, that made my day

  • Ally November 16, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    I’m sorry shug. If it helps any, my birthday is November 25th and my parents always think it’s the 26th. Which is worse because it’ll be my birthday and I’m all “heyyy, where are my presents and crap?” and they’re like “Sweetie, it’s not until tomorrow.” And then I have to pull out my damn drivers license to prove that no kids, it’s the 25th.


  • Cathy November 16, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Duuuuude! Suuuucks:(
    I voted a bazillion times yesterday(it was more like 25, but I was a work, give me a break). Plus, hi, *I* voted. Me. The girl who was going to cry real tears when this became a mommy blog. But you were right, MODG is still kick ass. So kick ass I voted in a pregnancy blog contest. What up!

  • Sarah RDH November 16, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    My daughter’s bday is Dec 31, and this is her 1st, and I have already warned everyone that it is actually an entirely separate day form Dec. 25th, thought I know it can be confusing to some. Bring on the birthday wrapping paper@

    Ummm and the Jesus talk is not offensive. If you’re offended, don’t read it. I learned that in high school. 😉

    Obviously your followers aren’t offended…and I’ll openly say, do I agree with you about everything you post? Nope. Do you or I care? Nope. But I still like to read & laugh at what you write!! And you will be such a great mom MODG, humor is EVERYTHING when you’re getting pooplosions in your face, and have puke in your hair right after you’ve washed it, and when your 3 or 4 year old is shaking baby powder all over the baby’s room….Humor.

  • Lisa November 16, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    It’s my personal favorite when those claiming to be down with Jesus leave a bunch of comments that are judgemental and mean. I’m sure Jesus approves of us treating each other like that.

  • Crystal November 16, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    I adore you.

  • JenBetweenDots November 16, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Jesus would totally be up for a party. Maybe he was just hungover and not paying attention or something?!

  • Sarah November 16, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    That other blog is sooo boring. If it makes you feel any better, I won’t be reading it. This one I will be reading however, and laughing my ass off.

  • michelle November 16, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    ‘People that like Jesus also like to have babies and read blogs by other women that like Jesus hand have babies’

    Well, people that are heathens and have a sense of humor like to read blogs by other funny women heathens. Isn’t America great that we all have the freedom to do what we like?!? And isn’t it wonderful that we can all be so accepting and nonjudgemental of each other.

    MODG, you are hysterical. I too died a little when this became a blog about pregnancy, but I couldn’t turn away. It was still too funny! Now I just consider it an educational blog for me in case I ever decide to procreate (I had NO idea about the insane-O constipation!). Anyone who knows you “IRL” knows that you are not narcissistic at all and that you are going to be an awesome mom (and a cool one at that, one who retains her own identity (GASP!). Shit, any of your regular readers know that, because you are open and honest and put your true self out there. Keep up the good work, stop registering for contents unless WE get to win something (you are kind of a contest whore).


  • Kiki November 17, 2010 at 8:44 am

    I have two words — Rectal Rocket. Hilarious (though not for MODG) and educational. How can you top that! God bless you all. You are all God’s creatures. Oh, and Jesus loves you too!

  • Cindy November 17, 2010 at 11:54 am

    This is my second comment, and I would like to point out that it is totally possible for someone to be a “Jesus lover” and also have a warped sense of humor. I know LOTS of people like that. I don’t think it’s being hypocritical — I think it’s called being a real, multi-faceted person who is a Christian and can take a joke.

    I think we can all lighten up a bit. Isn’t that one reason we show up at MODG every day? :)

  • KiKi November 17, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    I am a person who is largely attracted to shiny pretty things, and this includes blog pics. I voted many times for your most asthetically pleasing blog. I checked out your competion and ran smack dab into one of the scariest most hideous pictures of a person I’d ever seen. I immediately clicked off. WHY DID THAT ONE WIN? MOGD, face it. YOU ROCK. You are not only the most gorgeously photogenic pregnant gals I’ve ever seen, ( I mean, do you take any bad pics??) you are also tremendously talented in the interieor decorating field. DAMN. I’d like to see Jesus top that. Not real sure what else she can do. I’ll bet her nursery is straight up teddy bears and clowns, whilst Planky’s is super swanky. Turn on some jazz, and we can have cocktail hour in there. I KID! Only when he’s in the other room… ANYHOOOO. Keep up the awesome work. You are the coolest kid in school, and I wanna run with your crowd. PS. In addition to being a reverend, you are aware that as MODG, you are also a Mother of Divine Grace. Hmm. Wins all around…

  • Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts November 18, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Dude!! You were so robbed!

  • JAS November 18, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    You are a complete lunatic. Which is why I love your blog. Jesus Sparkles, J

  • Birthday twin November 23, 2010 at 11:41 am

    My birthday is Nov 26 too. You just gave me that best way EVER to tell people that.