The final installment of my butt story. That’s what she said.

When I first started telling the tale of my butt and it’s new nut, I thought it was about as bad as it could get and this story could not get any more ridiculous/inappropriate for the internet.  To say I was wrong is a gross understatement. And we’re about to get way more gross.

We last left off with my new prescription for Rectal Rockets. Many of you requested a real life size comparison. Here you go. Stare in horror. I welcome it.

The night was here. Rocket night. To review, I am to insert rocket so the flared end hangs out my butt hole. Point of that is so the flaredness attacks the butt nut on the outside with direct rocket contact. I was ready for war. I used my anesthetic and like awful cruel holding your breath kind of painful traumatic magic, it was in. Whew….it’s over. Now I can rest.

WRONG.

Burning.

Pressure.

BURNING.

PRESSURE.

ok breathe breathe, use your hypnobabies. Turn your lightswitch off. This is fine and normal and natural.

NO this is NOT natural. Nothing about this is normal at all. There is a rocket is my ass. What is going on???  (You should know that B has opted out of the bedroom and is slumbering sans rocket activity in the guest room).

I decide I can’t take it. I have to take the rocket out. This pain isn’t worth it. I take teenytinyteeny steps to the bathroom, go to fetch my weapon and…wait. …wait WHAT? Where the F IS MY ROCKET?

F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.FFFFFFFF

OH MY GOD I LOST MY ROCKET IN MY BUTT.

Serious panic sets in. It has a FLARED end so this does not happen. HOW did this happen? Can I dig it out? Nope. Did it fall on the floor? Nope.  Wait, what’s that? In my underwear is the broken off flared end of the rocket, now creating a straight up missile that just shot up my butt into my instestines and will probably live there forever.

You should know now that the pharmacist did not include normal medicine warnings, allergies, instructions, ANYTHING NORMAL etc. Which at this point, I’m pissed about. I’m panicking. I don’t know anything about butt tools. Does it dissolve? Do I need to go to the hospital? And let me tell you this is the first piece of information that google in fact does not help you with. That is unless you’re looking for sex toys or hot sauce. I find like a FEW random comments on blogs that people left discussing rectal rockets. I email them ALL at midnight. I’m sure this didn’t seem crazy at all. No one responds.

Ok, I need to just deal with this and go to sleep. I’m sure it dissolves.  That’s what wikipedia said the definition of “suppository” was. Meanwhile I’m still dealing with the intense burning pain that I had when I decided to get this the F out of me. Now I am forced to sleep with it in.

Wake up. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN. DIARRHEA. MORE PAIN. CRYING. TEARS.

Me: (sobbing) B, B it’s lost in me. I’m going to die I can’t walk. sobbbb

B: What? it’s lost in you?

Me: yessss and it huurrrts!

B: Ok I’m calling the pharmacist

Me: I DON’T TRUST HIM THEY GAVE ME NO INSTRUCTIONS HE IS A MAD SCIENTIST. CALL THE MAN WHO INVENTED IT.

And so B did while I actually went to work.  B calls Lousiana to speak with the inventor of the Rectal Rocket. I wish he would have asked  him if he’s hilarious and has a blog, because you have to be to name a real life medicine RECTAL ROCKETS.

Anyway, get this. B finds out from Dr. Rocket that our local rocket scientist put an UNNECESSARY IRRITANT LAXATIVE in the rocket. And yes it is supposed to dissolve. What the mother f-er?! The pain didn’t go away for 2 days and I thought my butt nut was digging an acid hole to my heart.

My butt has since recovered and we can now conclude this chapter of the butt story. The butt nut is still there but I will no longer be riding the rocket. If anything good has come of this, it’s the peace I made with the butt nut. Because it’s nothing compared to the pharmacist and his mad scientist lab.

Thank you for being a part of my butt story. I hope we’ve all learned something here today: Don’t be an asshole in life or life will seriously F up your asshole.

Hearts,

MODG

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POSTED IN: babies,Favorite Post,hippie stuff,Innapropriate,Not Pleased,pregnant stuff,Stories,Vom stuff

{ 41 comments }

Betty October 18, 2010 at 8:14 am

“wow….just, wow” (i hate that phrase comment, but that was the only thing that came to mind!)
Breathing a big sigh of relief for you that this incidence has passed!!

virginia October 18, 2010 at 8:23 am

Simple: Preperation H – easy peasy.

Paige October 18, 2010 at 8:45 am

I would SUE that pharmacist. What in the EFF was he thinking?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, Plankton better come out riding a unicorn and accompanied by fairies, because this is just…insane.

Theresita October 18, 2010 at 8:55 am

MODG,

I am glad that you pulled through this ordeal. I was getting worried that the Butt Nutt would be your demise.

Renee October 18, 2010 at 9:37 am

O. M. G. there are no words other than, I’m so sorry for you. O. M. G. … Dude.

my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you October 18, 2010 at 9:40 am

dear shit fuck heaven holes

Desiree October 18, 2010 at 9:55 am

I have been having VERY. SERIOUS. discussions with my fetus demanding that he or she NOT do this to me. I tell him/her this on a DAILY basis. I’m not even playing. My kid does this to me, they’re grounded for life. Like, they come out of me and go straight into time-out. Like forever.

You hear me little kid? Do NOT do this to me. I’m so sincere.

S. October 18, 2010 at 10:29 am

That is horrific. I totally feel for you. Nobody tells you that kind of information when you’re trying to get pregnant. It’s all harp music and bunnies and prenatal vitamins. 6 months into my first pregnancy I was convinced I had a ruptured appendix. My husband rushed me to the ER and we were quickly seen by the OB on call, who after an exam, told me to my mortal embarrassment that I had severe constipation. That was it. After further embarrassment of having a nurse give me a suppository, I almost wished it had been appendicitis. :(

Winn October 18, 2010 at 10:36 am

Oh my poor MODG! How awful. (I don’t know whether to laugh or cry (not at your pain–the pain is real).)

I’ve heard wonderful things of natural remedies and creams. Have you thought of trying your local natural foods and herbal magic store? Their mad scientists can’t be any worse than western medicine. Anything with aloe or tea tree oil or NEEM will help. Especially the neem. It’s like good magic with lots of puppy hugs and sparkly kitty nose kisses.

Rachel October 18, 2010 at 10:40 am

I can in no way imagine going through this. Umm… that’s just cray cray.

Jessica October 18, 2010 at 10:41 am

What did your butt do to anyone that it deserved this kind of treatment? I’m sorry your hole was in such pain. :(
Stupid roids…. would your anger be considered ROID RAGE?

Rachel October 18, 2010 at 10:59 am

Gross, just gross!

lilliebean October 18, 2010 at 11:32 am

Insane. Absolutely insane.

Kaelaqlc October 18, 2010 at 11:37 am

Oh my god Amanda. That is horrifying. I am practically crying for you, for reals. No one should have to endure things like this. If I were you, this is something I would secretly hold against my child until he had his first girlfriend that I didn’t like so much, and then do a big reveal while they’re making out on the couch. Talk about a pregnancy preventer. Sure, it gives you plenty of “funny” blog material, but given that I’ve been experiencing some pretty intense pain issues lately, all I can do is be horrified for you. I hope you and your butt return to normal soon.

kelly @Dare to be Domestic October 18, 2010 at 11:39 am

OH. MY. GOSH! You poor thing!!! I would have died. You are a trooper I don’t care how much you kick and scream you actually did what you thought would work I would have chickened the F out! Seriously the size is crazy – thank you for the documentation of that… HOLY CRAP!!!

Zak October 18, 2010 at 11:39 am

That shit ain’t right. That’s worse than hemorrhoids.

Jen October 18, 2010 at 11:59 am

I would know nothing of the horrible nightmare of pregnancy if it wasn’t for you. And yet I still want a baby. What is wrong with me?!?! I hope your butt nut leaves you alone soon. Seriously, next time I see something Lisa Frank I am sending it to you.

B October 18, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Sweet Jesus.

Perhaps our government should consider replacing the electric chair with rectal rockets?! That shit is for real.

Becky Mochaface October 18, 2010 at 12:26 pm

I’m in shock. Complete shock.

DoMo October 18, 2010 at 1:20 pm

MODG,
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m in my final month of pregnancy and it’s just tough to get a normal night of sleep anyway. I would be a complete mess. Time to get a new pharmacist!!!

Lil' Woman October 18, 2010 at 1:24 pm

OH MY GOD….did the rocket sissolve already. that is sick. I would eff up the pharmacist.

*LLUVIA* October 18, 2010 at 3:41 pm

OH. EM. GEE.
Wow…just…wow.
I hope you’re better. I can’t imagine the pain, but you do write so well, so I did feel your agony!!
I hope Plankie’s big day gets here fast!

Melissa October 18, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Here I am reading this with a smile on my face because I knew the sentence “turns out it fell” or “the ‘roids of hell got worse and the rocket fell” was coming. But it never did. It never did. Now I’m scarred for life. Me. I don’t even know you. I cannot begin to comprehend how you must feel. =/ Hopefully you’ll feel better in no time. And please update on the pharmacist. He should know what happened and that B called Dr. Rocket only to find out he did something horrible!

Kristin October 18, 2010 at 4:34 pm

I too was attacked by the ‘roids. Sitting on a donut, Tucks pads and prep H helped me. Hang in there lady!

Mo October 18, 2010 at 4:55 pm

SWEET BABY JESUS!….probably did this to his mom too. While she was donkey riding. But at least no one tried to put a rocket in her butt.

Melanie October 18, 2010 at 5:53 pm

I have an 8 week old spawn growing inside of me and now I am terrified. IT’S JUST GONE?! I want to cry for you.

~KS October 18, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Ummmm… wish you would’ve put a disclaimer on here. Do not read while you are in class, pretending to take notes.
And yeah, guess I should have assumed this would be sad and yet funny at the same time and I would end up with a shit grin on my face and in an attempt to eat my laughter, would snort and then draw the attention of the entire class. Oh shit.
Sorry the rocket blasted off into your body…

Teisha October 18, 2010 at 8:40 pm

B seriously was all ‘ok, honey I’ll call the rectal rocket mad scientist for you’? My Hubs would have laughed in my face. And pointed. Asshat.

Allison October 18, 2010 at 10:42 pm

OUCH! Do other readers find themselves clenching their butt cheeks while reading this?

He will be worth it…you will hold him and look at his little face and think “buttnuts schmutnuts.” Until you have your first post-natal poop…I HIGHLY recommend an enema (I was deathly afraid of it, but i finally gave in 5 days after baby and that darn enema saved my life and sanity. Request one at the birth center or whatever its’ called so B doesnt have to administer it…)

Oh and this made me think of you: http://hagenhoopla.blogspot.com/2010/06/welcome-to-motherhood.htm

Wait, is the rocket inventor really in Louisiana?! I’m so proud! Or was that just a Louisiana joke?

Alyssa October 19, 2010 at 8:25 am

i’m sorry, but i’m still trying to figure out how the fuck you accidentally place an irritant laxative in something! are you sure you didn’t turn your pharmacist down at a junior high school dance or something??? this guy was out to get you.

on the bright side, if you have a young demographic, teen pregnancy will disappear after this post.

Kiki October 19, 2010 at 11:37 am

Oh MODG!!! If a pregnant woman ever “deserved” a glass of wine — it is you! And anyone else who has a similar story. Actually, you might deserve two. Plankton will forgive you if he hears this story.

And I hope B remembers this and knows about a gift for you at the time of delivery! Think big and sparkly!!!

ellie October 19, 2010 at 5:44 pm

http://www.healin-hollers.com/welcomerelief.htm

This stuff is great…and it’s made by hippies. You’re welcome.

Chanel October 19, 2010 at 8:31 pm

I agree with a previous commenter… this definitely should have come with a disclaimer. I’m sitting at work.. in the headquarters today and I’m reading this post. I may be fired tomorrow! But then again…. even if you had a disclaimer… I still would have read this. Glad you are feeling better!

Shandal October 20, 2010 at 12:56 am

That’s F#%@ed up.

ashley October 20, 2010 at 8:31 am

Ahhh, this sounds Horrible.
Constipation was my ONE and ONLY symptom during this pregnancy…and in the beginning I just started to take stool softeners ALL the time to avoid the horrible hemmoroids (Sp?). I am glad I did! This seems like pure torture…all for the kid?

glove October 20, 2010 at 9:31 pm

That sucks girl, hope your, uh, butt gets better.

Got something to share with you since you think butt rockets and ‘roids are bad…stiches in and up your woohoo. Yup. I had to be stitched back up from my butthole to my girly parts. 4th degree. So consider yourself warned!

Ashley November 1, 2010 at 1:46 am

OMG! I could totally feel my fallopian tubes tying themselves in knots while I was reading the saga of your butt nut! The horror of your nightmare hemorrhoid troubles will haunt my dreams! I do hope that you find relief with hippie cures because there are just some things that should never be allowed in some places and rockets in your booty hole is one of them!

AshleEeeeEEeEEEe April 28, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Okay, so. Seriously. I have been out of commission ALL. DAMN. DAY. reading your preg file from start to now. My fiance is pissed and I haven’t changed one poop diaper all day. I was going to refrain all comments until the end…but this is TOO GOOD. I was reading this to my fiance (who really doesn’t care but I need an outlet) First off, THIS RECTAL ROCKET IS SO MESSED UP. None of your pictures worked for me so I HAD to google image and UMMM I’m not sure if what I got was right but they look like ass dildos..SCARY. I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune, but it’s been 2 years I’m sure you’re over it…however, one thing that REALLY got me was B!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE HE CALLED THE INVENTOR!!!!!!! I mean it’s just awesome. When one thinks of an inventor (or maybe just me) it seems..unreachable…like 2000 years ago style. I guess they exist, but if I ever said that to my fiance he would look at me like an idiot sack and that would be that. I applaude you and mostly B for that. I imagine this inventor to look crazy and laugh weird…so obvious. I’ll comment more later. but this had to be acknowledged…my fiance just chanted to my daughter “Mommy’s a stalker” awesome. MORE SOON…LOVE N’ STUFF MY NEW BESTIE!

Heather May 7, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I just found you and LOVE how candid you are! Read your posts about your butt… thought you might appreciate the posts about my vagina ;)

http://heather-schneider.blogspot.com/2012/03/lets-talk-about.html

Scarl3 June 17, 2012 at 8:09 am

I was all ready to get a supply of rectal rockets for after my delivery…. But ur story makes me think i can just tough it out like my last 2 pregnancies…. I was in tears though just reading about your misfortune ….. Tears of laughter and sympathy of course!!!

Mary November 24, 2012 at 12:41 am

Your’e right. I’m surfing, madly looking for info on RRs before I do this stupid thing. No helpful info, but yours… the pain will eventually go away…..

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