I'm funny

I hate everyone. If you knew about this and didn’t tell me, hang your head in shame.

October 11, 2010





I’m pissed off. Pissed because I know nothing about pregnancy because no one talks about the creepy gross shit. People talk about the kicks and the cute belly and the big boobs. But I am NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. And you know what? I am taking it on myself to be sure that you know more stuff that I did before I donated my body over to a baby. This basically  means that this post is not meant to be read with 1) breakfast 2) your dad or 3) a priest.

And with that I present to you my emergency embarrassing drug store trip in my local town:

This is about to get graphic my friends.

For 4 days I’ve had a pain in the ass and it’s not B. It didn’t get better. So finally I do a little google. Again, google=devil embodied. And I learned about the H word. Which I really don’t want to say because it creeps me out and makes it real and FINE. hemorrhoids (which I still can’t spell even after googling 87 times.) Do you even KNOW what a hemorrhoid really is? I didn’t. Apparently though like almost EVERY pregnant woman gets them. Do you know how many babies are in the world? Like billions. That means at least ONE woman who had a baby could have given me a heads up on this one.

A hemorrhoid is a swollen blood vessel that literally POPS out of your butt. Jesus I wish I was kidding. It hurts. It hurts your butt, your brain, your eyes and your heart. And apparently when you are pregnant, the body snatcher presses everything downwards, including butt vessels. MURDER MY FACE PLEASE.

So after telling facebook, B and my yoga class, I had to take action. You’d think because I am pretty open and honest that I don’t get embarrassed about stuff. Wrong. This is totally my defense mechanism against ultimate butt shame. Hence, please note the additional distraction purchases, whose purpose is ONLY to distract the cashier from thinking that I have a butt vessel problem. Even though I do. But girls who buy Lucky magazine and cool new face washes CAN’T have butt vessel problems. It’s totally for someone else.

And of course I aim for the cashier who looks like a nice mom who will give me an “aw sweetie” look, and then, of course the young cute 16 year old is all, I can take you over here. Great. So then I’m like taking things out of my cart like stacked on top of each other so you can’t really see the butt meds even though she has to physically ring it up one by one anyway and remove my stacked tower of distraction. Then she piles everything in a bag and puts the Lucky Mag on top like a shame cover.

I came home and told B this:

Me: See? I should feel shame. She put the Lucky Mag was put on top of everything else!

B: Don’t you think you’re reading too much into this?

Me: No.

B: So you’re probably not reading enough into it. (rolls eyes)


So now you know. You know more about pregnancy than you did before and you know more about my butt than anyone should know. Including me. If you need me I’ll be trying to suck back in a butt vessel.

kill me.


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  • Eunice October 11, 2010 at 8:19 am

    I’ve heard about this.

    But I thought it was only a thing that happened to some pregnant people and not all. Like if you’re unlucky or have a really gigantic baby or something. Crap. I hope your butt vessel hides back in your butt soon.

  • SaraPierce October 11, 2010 at 8:23 am

    DAMN… wonder if these are included in “what to expect when you’re expecting”. If so I hope its in the first chapter under “things to consider before spreading your legs”

  • Shannon October 11, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Oh honey, just wait until AFTER the baby comes. I only had to push for 20 minutes and the nurse was checking me afterwards and said, “wow! That one is as big as a peanut!” Yeah, thanks lady. You think they are bad now… Then, when you are all done and healed, one will sneak up on you after you poop. Do you have a Boppy pillow? Get one and sit on it forever. Also, get a stool softener so you don’t feel like you are pooping razor blades. Good luck… the fun begins!

  • Mary October 11, 2010 at 8:39 am

    I knew about this, but for some reason I thought this only happened during birth and after! Crap!

  • Becky Mochaface October 11, 2010 at 8:41 am

    There’s a chance the 16-year-old cashier had no idea what the preparation H was for. At that age I had no idea what it was for.

    Sorry about your butt problems :( I hope it gets better soon!

  • Kiki October 11, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Oh MODG, sorry to hear about your — ahh what would the doula call it . . . ahhhh . . . . . ahhhh . . . . I got nothing.

    Have you read Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy? She covered a ton of these “hidden secrets” I guess I was a “lucky” one and didn’t not have butt vessel issues, or maybe I did and they were just a mild case. Don’t hate me — I had other issues.

    If I saw you in the store with a Lucky magazine and those other items, I would totally be like, “Aw she must be helping some other poor soul” For reals but sometimes people tell me I am totally clueless about those things. I like to live in a happy place with all the sparkles, rainbows and iridescent tinsel glitter (my new favorite thing from Martha Stewart). And hopefully the sixteen-year-old has no idea that a cute pregnant lady would have those issues.

  • chinamommy October 11, 2010 at 8:45 am

    just another reason i chose to adopt…no butt problems for me! i’m sure plankie will be worth the bulging butt thingy!! for some reason many women choose to have another, so I guess they forgive them for making the inside of their butt hang out!

  • Adorablyd October 11, 2010 at 8:48 am

    Thanks for letting me know! I love you honest pregnant people! I think I want to have a kid and then bam… I could hold off a minute. I hope your butt feels better!

  • Megan October 11, 2010 at 8:49 am

    read: “Belly Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy. she will clue you in to some of the grossness that is fetus-gardening. ughhhhh.

    i have not been pregnant…but i worked with pregnant women (aka at planned parenthood). anddddddddddddddddd they will tell you gross scary things that you never wanted to know.

    sparkle hearts for you darling. i’m soooo sorry.

  • Bailey@peppermintbliss.com October 11, 2010 at 8:55 am

    THat is horrible and my heart weeps for you. However, if it makes you feel better, Prep H is like a super awesome under-eye depuffer, I guess if it works for your butt it works for your face? So if anyone DOES try to shame you for your embarassing drug store purchases, you can be like, whatever, I am a beauty insider superstar. There is no shame in fresh, nonpuffy eyes- or nonpuffy butts.

    • Brit October 12, 2010 at 10:00 pm

      Actually I just read that only the Prep H you buy in Canada is a good eye depuffer…the Americans took out the key puff-less ingredient because it’s not safe for us, but it’s fine for Canadians. Weird. Take THAT Justin Bieber.

      Sorry for your bottom blisters MODG. You don’t know me, but I LOVE reading your blog. Hope things clear up soon!

  • Girly October 11, 2010 at 8:56 am

    You should write your own version of what to expect when you’re expecting. Seriously.

    I’m sure the cashier has seen more embarrassing purchases or at least plenty of other pregnant women buying prep h! Next time send B to the register.

    I almost bought that face wash! You should review it.

  • J October 11, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Yeah, I totally thought that I was in the clear. I had a c-section and I thought that meant I’d be good to go since no pushing. WRONG! My advice that I now give to all pregnant girls I meet – when you are in the hospital after having your baby and it’s been 1-2 days since you have done a #2, the nurse will quietly say “would you like something to help with that?” SAY YES! Then you will avoid the week of crying misery before you finally relent and buy something over the counter. And you will avoid the 3-4 weeks (oh yes, it can be that long) of intense butt pain that follows!

  • The K Spot October 11, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Hey I warned everyone I knew about the H thing; family, friends, strangers…and even reminded everyone again last month even though I will not be making babies now or in the near future…check it….second to last paragraph.


    Here’s another cautionary tale….if you feel you are suddenly constipated…go right for the Fleets enema…trust me on that one too.

  • Molly October 11, 2010 at 9:17 am

    I had one with my son six years ago, and it’s never gone away! My advice for help going to the bathroom after birth? Little sips of prune juice, was easier on my ass than the meds my doc gave me. Feel better!

  • KenzieMoulin October 11, 2010 at 9:27 am

    16y yr old def thought you were going to experiement and use the prep H as an eye cream.

  • my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you October 11, 2010 at 9:39 am

    the good news is they go away. but, the bad news is if you deliver vaginally (which we all intend to do but sometimes aren’t able to) and if planks is HUGE (like fiona was) your vagina will rip to your ass crack. at least it did for me. and i had 4 degree tears from my vag to my ass and even travelling up inside me. i was in sewing surgery for 2 hours after fiona was born. when fiona passed through the birth hole there was an audible ‘pop’. that pop was my skin. ripping. thankfully i had an epidural and i didn’t feel a thing. HOWEVER and this is the part no one told me about- and take note, this makes a hemorrhoid feel like a face zit…i was sewn up so much, i.e. my butt and vagina were pretty much sewed shut. the fact is they were swollen so much that the holes (particularly the asshole) was 1000x;s smaller. i had explosive diarrhea INSIDE me…yes, INSIDE ME! the hole was so tight and closed that the diarrhea couldn’t escape and that whole area was so fucked up that i was in physical agony for at least a full 6 days after giving birth. i had to sit on an innertube. everywhere. even on the toilet. all of this and the hormones raging and trying to get back to being NOT pregnant, the fucking impossible nightmare that is breastfeeding (keep at it, it will happen but you have to be diligent and NOT give a bottle in frustration or you are fucked) and no sleep??? yeah, pregnancy itself is a fucking breeze! and apparently this is all very very common.

    you wanted people to tell you shit?
    you’re welcome.
    call me if you want more gory details and advice on how to make it better.
    your favorite and your best friend ever.

    • Erin October 11, 2010 at 11:43 am

      I love you MFAMB. And that is some real talk. Almost the same thing happened to me except for the diarrhea inside. Thank God! I did get sewn shut and it sucked for a long time. It does get better. Eventually.

    • Rach October 12, 2010 at 9:21 am

      Best. Birth control. EVER. I’m about to start drinking for the day just to block this out.

      • Ask Alice October 17, 2010 at 3:18 am

        Yeah I’m suddenly terrified that I forgot to take my birth control.. And I haven’t even had sex this month.

  • PeaceLoveTerri October 11, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Bhahaha.. I feel so bad for you! No one told me either. I didn’t get them with my first. I got one after I delivered my second baby. I called my mom freaking out not knowing what was up. The bad news is they never fully go away once you get them. They’ll retract and go inside your rear. But strain, constipation, pushing too hard, another kid, make them (it!) come back out. Sometimes they get worse. Ahh.. the loveliness our bodies turn into for children!

    Just pray you vagina isn’t ripped to your ass crack when giving birth. Seriously, it happens!
    6 stitches with my first. 8 stitches with my second. And bet your ass that they don’t stitch that shit back up all straight and pretty!

  • Cathy October 11, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Dude. I can’t believe you didn’t know this. Have none of your friends had babies? Why didn’t they tell you? Even I know all this crazy shit. Why do you think I’m not having kids? Hello.

  • Mommy Lisa October 11, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Ummm. I thought everyone knew this??? Fiber Choice. Get it like now and take like FOUR a day to avoid getting anymore. Or you WILL be sorry after the baby comes and you can’t poop for days.

  • Jessica October 11, 2010 at 10:32 am

    I can only thank you for providing me with this information because I am not pregnant and have never been pregnant. Now I’ll know when my ass screams at me, it’s not just because I have bedsores.

  • allison October 11, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Hate to tell you – your goodie bag of assness is lacking the solution. That stuff is somewhat helpful in relieving the pain but you need something to nip that H in the bud. Call your OB this morning and request an Rx for Proctosol. It’s a steroid that reduces the H to nothing. This should catapult me to Super BFF status.

  • JAS October 11, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I knew about this. I also knew about the two days in the hospital with a raging case of mastitis from nursing. And then cracked and bleeding nipples that can fall off. But you did not hear it from me.

  • Winn October 11, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Wow. Seriously? Wow!

    Yeah, not EVERY pregnant woman gets them. I didn’t. I would have been happy to share the “good news” with you, but hey, I didn’t get this.

    To give you a heads up for the future on every other thing that can happen in your plankton incubation period:
    1. swollen aching joints
    2. facial sensitivity to heat — in other words, no shower from the armpits up
    3. heartburn that NEVER GOES AWAY except with the hottest hot sauce
    4. season tickets to any bathroom anywhere
    5. rocketing blood pressure that sends you into the hospital, along with the panic attacks that the baby is in danger
    6. inability to feel comfortable ever again
    7. swollen feet and ankles to the point that you cannot wear shoes; but it’s okay because you cannot see them anymore
    8. varicose veins. enough said

    And if pregnancy is bad, you need to start getting info on what happens AFTER, ie: cracked bleeding nipples, mastitis, giving up sleep forever, the knowledge that you will happily and without a second thought KILL anyone who even thinks of harming your baby, etc, etc.

    Good luck, MODG

  • Sugar Bostick October 11, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Awww….I’m so sorry, Amanda. It will get better….swear. And Tucks is the BOMB. Oh, it will feel so much better. And the Prep H is gross, but oh so worth it. I’m so sorry you’re in pain—just one of the many joys of motherhood.

    BUT, on a positive note, I HAVE to tell you about a some baby products that you TOTALLY need. And if you don’t have by now (from some really cool blog reader) I’ll send you some. Are you familiar with Mustela baby products? OMG…it’s the only thing to use. Soap, lotion, etc for babies. It’s all the rage and the only thing I’ve used since Caroline was born. Number uno in Europe and you know those bitches over there are always ahead of us. They usually sell it in baby boutiques only…this shit’s too cool for the likes of CVS.

    Get to feeling better soon. Hope you don’t have to poop. That’s the worst….poopin with a ‘roid.

    Keep the Tucks handy,
    Sparkle purple hearts to you,

  • Shandal October 11, 2010 at 10:46 am

    I didn’t get them during my pregnancy. I had them for a couple weeks AFTER labor! So there!

  • ~KS October 11, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Sorry your butt vessels have left your body… I read this in class. And I am so not laughing at you (you’re laughing??? Right?? So I’m laughing with you…. or so I tell myself), but I laughed out loud. We were talking about intellectual property and contractual interpretaion. Not funny shit. But I was laughing. Could hardly explain to the class I was laughing at your portruding butt. So thanks for that :)

  • Erin October 11, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Girl, I didn’t get them while I was pregnant, but I sure had it after I pushed that big boy out! And it sucked. Fora bout a week. Maybe longer. I don’t know because I felt like shit for a long time. Just thought you would want to hear some real talk.

  • Aubrey October 11, 2010 at 11:06 am

    OUCH!!! Sorry hun. Not to be a downer, but i hear those don’t go away either. Or so i’ve been told…could be wrong. GOOGLE i say…GOOGLE. Okay, after pregnancy…your bladder isn’t going to be the same either. EVER! Make sure to do those pelvic exercises they tell you to do. You’ll thank me :) And sleepless nights…HA…you’ll NEVER get any sleep. At least i still don’t & my kids are 6 & 7. The joys of kids i tell ya…they out-weigh all the issues and problems once you look into their eyes. Your heart will melt & your worries will disappear. For a second at least :) LOL

    Have a wonderful week!

  • Jen Gacek October 11, 2010 at 11:22 am

    I didn’t get them during pregnancy but definitely afterwards. All that pushing, and pushing, and pushing.
    Trust me, there are just things you don’t want to know before getting pregnant and giving birth. Because if you knew all the crap that happens to your body, you wouldn’t EVER have kids!! 2 words for you: Stool Softener. Stock up on this stuff. You’ll need it after baby comes!

  • Big Boops October 11, 2010 at 11:29 am

    I’ve been reading your comments and am now like maybe .01% happy that I had a c-section. Okay, scrap that, I still wish Boops had shot out my vag. Okay, I didn’t have butt issues until after my birth (due to the meds I was on from the c). So here’s my before advice. Drinks LOTS of water, like you think maybe you are growing fins and gills. And eat lots of fiber. Here are foods with fiber: apples, pears, sweet potatoes, celery, broccoli, whole wheat bread or pasta. Also try and eat whole foods (not processed), they “pass” easier. I also used pure vitamin e oil (from the pharmacy) when I was having butt issues. It helps you to heal and not have scars (yes my butthole has scars from what it went through). I will send you a recipe for magic cookies that are delicious. My mom came up with the recipe and gave them the name “Shit Biscuits”. You will love them, promises.

    Hang in there, this is definitely the hardest part. And even though its bad you will be so so so happy when you go into labor just to have Plankton get the hell out. I remember how I would imagine pushing just because I wanted Boops out so much. Good times . . .

  • Michlle October 11, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Oh honey, I’m sorry to report they won’t get better. Mine got so much worse after birth, it looked like my ass exploded. (and lets be honest, it kind of did) I ended up asking my Dr for meds because I could barely stand post-birth from the H-words that took over my life. Vicodin and suppositories became my best friend. That and http://www.dermoplast.com/.

    I highly recommend stocking up on this shit. I’m not sure if witch doctor doula types know about this stuff, maybe they have something better. Definitely put that on your to-do list.

    A previous commentor recommended reading Belly Laughs, I definitely think you should do that. No one has probably told you about *Blue Twinkies*, but I fear they might be in your future. And no its not some sugary sparkly blue yummy snack for Planky to feast on. It might possibly be worse than the H-word.

    • Karena October 12, 2010 at 1:50 pm

      YES YES YES to Dermoplast! Life saver for sure. That and stool softener…

  • Ashley October 11, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    I’ve been contemplating the classic “martinis or diaper-genies” question for quite a while now, and just two days ago I was confident enough on the side of babies to actually start planning. And then I read this post. AND the even more horrifying comments. I’ve just been catapulted back to the beginning of the decision making process while shaking in terror and nausea and morbid curiosity about a sparkly blue twinkie. And if I ever hear the phrase “cracked bleeding nipples”again, I’ll have to visit a hypnotist just to be free of what is sure to now be a reoccurring nightmare.

    Thank you so much for all of that.

    Also, I’m pretty sure your blog just became one that helps others decide between martinis or diaper-genies now that you’ve chosen yourself. Congratulations.

  • Amy October 11, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Oh the ‘roids. They are ever-present. I had the mirror when giving birth…yes, I wanted to see it all happen…and when they brought it over when it was time for the big push, all I could see was this gross disfigurement of my butt opening. And butt openings aren’t good looking even when they’re at their best. Anyway…point is, I was so distracted by the horrific ‘roid that I pretty much missed the birth of my kiddo. The nurses had to scramble around to find sheets/blankets to cover the ‘roid so I would shut up about it and focus on the fact that my child was about to arrive. So…frankly it’s better that you’re coming to terms with everything now so that you’re not shocked on the Big Day. The ‘roid, when seen full force in a birthing mirror, puts me in mind of the most horrible cauliflower ear I’ve ever seen on a man. It is shocking and disturbing and yet you can’t look away.

    Also…I was given some sort of suppository that was crazy helpful that I assure you you will want to investigate (SUCH a weird feeling putting a suppository in…huge “ouch” followed by the feeling of oozing and melting…I mean, the things we do for children). You probably can’t get too into this alternative until a little while after birth (but I would think now would be fine?…I’m just saying you don’t want to shove stuff up any orifices until a while after birth, you know what I mean?). Anyway…it did the trick. If no one has mentioned it yet, you may as well expect blood, too. Just expect it. I mean, the obvious “just gave birth” blood as well as the “oh great, my freaking roids continue to bleed” blood, too.

    Bottom line advice: keep it in perspective, “this too shall pass”…and also complain a lot to B.

  • Regina October 11, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Wow, I only thought they happened from the pushing of labor. But you want to hear shit, so here is mine:
    I had csections, so no H word for me, but when you first start nursing, IT. REALLY. HURTS. But stick with it, it gets better. Also, one thing no one told me about: about day 3, right about the time your milk comes in, your hormones decide they are going to majorly screw with you. I would start crying uncontrollably for no reason. My husband would was all, “what the hell are you crying for now?” Tell B to cut you some slack if this should happen, it passes as well. But with all my 3 kids, the day I am getting out of the hospital, I would be there smiling at my beautiful baby, crying my fricking eyes out.

  • Lluvia October 11, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I’m sorry I didnt tell you. I didnt get that. I didnt have swollen feet and only threw up two times during my pregnancy. I dont want to brag, but I had a beautiful and easy pregnancy. I didnt pee on myself but once or twice, and it was because i had to go really bad. I didnt want to spoil yours by telling negative things. My sister (who was pregnant at the same time i was) got swollen feet, morning sickness all day long, hemorrhoids, and the uncontrollable peeing. I knew about H because of my sister. She had a huge baby boy and got them again after he was born.

    I hope you get better soon and just remember it’s only temporary!

  • Rachel @ It's a Hero October 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Things that are worse than that = having to buy that stuff and NOT being preggo.

    Shame on me. But I had some serious tummy issues.

    And by had I mean still somewhat frequently have. SIGH.

  • Mandy S. October 11, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    You should read “Belly Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy. It’s funny, and she gets down to all the horrible dirty preggo secrets no one is willing to talk about because if they did no woman would ever reproduce again, ever.

  • Janina October 11, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    ah yes, the H word. i didn’t have them while pregnant but had the monster of all H’s after i pushed out an almost 9 lb baby. get the suppository style medication for the H’s. yes, it’s weird, but they work the best.


  • lilliebean October 11, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    My lovely MODG,
    Rest assured knowing the cashier probably didn’t know what the hell the prep H was for, because, to be frank, I had no idea what a hemorrhoid was until reading this. I’m embarrassed to admit that, but so totally true.

    As far as they actually go, I know nothing. I only know one person that’s had a baby I would ask and she hasn’t shared, so I’m guessing not. My heart bleeds for you and your poor butt problems, though. You have officially inspired me to never have children.

    I hope you feel better soon!
    Sparkle hearts and unicorn love to you.

  • Teisha October 11, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Mine didn’t come until after delivery but they suck, so I feel your butt pain.
    There’s lots and lots of nasty things that come with pregnancy and delivery….especially delivery, all I can say is to do your kegels. Your vagina will thank you. And don’t be surprised when right after delivery they shove an ice pack on your cooter and it will be the best thing evuh. I almost made out with my nurse after she gave that to me.
    And, just remember, when you get to the point where you don’t think you can handle the pain anymore and you’re crying and vomiting cause it hurts so bad, that means you’re almost done. You can do it! Oh, and pushing sucks. I. hated. pushing. Your face contorts into a ‘taking a shit’ face and you can’t do anything to stop it and the pressure on the vag is really uncomfortable. Alrighty, I’m done talking now. Anything else you want to know? :)

  • GirlSunday October 11, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    trust me, this is only the beginning of the gross, disgusting and emarassing. just wait until the baby is born, then real fun begins… get ready!

  • Courtney October 11, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Oh hun! So sorry! I knew that some women got them. I never had them so I thought more women didn’t get them also. Get lots of stool softener. And make sure to poop at the hospital before you leave.

  • Betty October 11, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Owwwww! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I, too, thought this didn’t happen until after/during the labor and birth! FYI — if you are having trouble doing #2 and staying regular, I can tell you as someone who is also 30+ wks prego, that that once a day Activia stuff that Jamie Lee Curtis shills definitely helps. And it actually tastes pretty good! I have one of those a day and a Cherry Pomegranate Benefiber drink packet, which tastes like Kool Aid (in a good way), and I have been smooth sailing so far. Yes, who knew ‘pregnancy brain’ included constant obsession over butts + pooping??

  • Jenny DB October 11, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Umm wow, I can’t even buy tampons so I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry. You should have sent B on that trip! Ever since the time my (then) boyfriend came to visit me in Australia and got poopy sick and made me go to the store and by Immodium for him… and then my credit card was declined… yeah I just try to avoid stores. :-)

  • Sarah October 11, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Poor MODG!
    Don’t kill the messenger, and don’t hate me, please! But the butt vessels are only the tip of the iceberg! My firstborn tore through my vagina so fast and so forcefully it required 132 stitches- yes, I said 132!- and two hours for the docs to piece it all back together! So on top of protruding butt vessels, my entire crotch was raw hamburger and just taking a pee brought tears to my eyes. Your best friend after giving birth will be called a peri-bottle. Your nurse will show you how to use it. Trust me!
    Whatever you do, DON’T allow anyone to talk you into a drug-free delivery. There is a reason God gave us drugs! USE THEM!!! I didn’t have any for my first, and I had nightmares about her delivery for YEARS. Nobody ever tells you that, either. One gf told me, “oh sure there’s pain, but as soon as baby is born you forget about it”…….BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

    • Shandal October 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm

      Oh you poor soul!

      MODG, don’t let this scare you! Not everyone has to get 132 stitches! I didn’t need any! There’s hope!

  • Girly October 11, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    It’s not Shiloh but I thought a PSA style promo with a Suri reference might help:

  • SGM October 11, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    I got them post-pg. Hurts like a mf. Like pooping shards of GLASS.

  • Rachel October 11, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Sorry I forgot to warn you about the butt vessels. But, don’t forget I DID warn to not look at your lady bits.

  • Megan October 11, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    P.S. Once the pregnancy ends, the hemhorroids do not necessarily go away. My child is 3 and I still have flare ups. Be greatful that yours hurt and do not itch!

  • Sarah RDH October 11, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    haha. And the BEST part is-they don’t go away after pregnancy!! Oh no my friend. Those babies will rage on. I assume by all of this that you have pooped by now. Feels like fucking needles stabbing your butthole huh? They’ve become part of my life, really it gets better. lol My friend’s DAD had one so bad it had to be surgically removed. Nice.

  • Amanda October 11, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    I have been loyally reading every day for a year and never commented, but today I feel like I need to give you a huge interwebs hug of encouragement, a light in this pit of scary comment hell… if you will? I have never been pregs / had a baby and have never heard about ANY of these things. I am appalled. Trapped diarrhea? That is sh*t not human. I have always wanted many babies, but am clearly getting my tubes tied tomorrow after the horror-fest that is this stream of comments. B should buy you many, MANY pretty things, as there is no amount of money that can possibly compensate for bursting butt blood vessels. HUGS for you, you can do it!

  • Alex October 11, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Wait until you try to do the first poo after delivery…that’s FUN!

  • marcy October 11, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    last winter my husband got hemorrhoids…no lie, i laughed so hard at him i almost crapped my pants. now i’m 2 months preggo and i’m afraid it’s about to be payback time. freaking heck. also, the lady who talked about trapped ‘rhea…HOLY SHIT. that crap is going to give me nightmares! i don’t know how you can come back from that…

  • Venassa October 11, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    That sounds rough. But future pregnant me will thank you for the heads up.

  • ASHLEIGH October 11, 2010 at 7:51 pm


  • concerned October 11, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    1. Why don’t they put these things on that sappy TLC show called “A Baby Story” where everything is warm fuzzies!?

    2. Does anyone know where or why sarah (ALME) disappeared?

  • Christine F. October 11, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    I am so sorry about your ass, but in my defense I didn’t give you the heads up on the ‘roid rage (as it is referred to at my house) b/c I always associate it w/ a labor thing. That’s when they first reared their ugly heads with me. Yes, I said heads, as in I think there were like 4 exploding from my ass after my 28hr natural, drug free labor/delivery with my older daughter. Unfortunately w/ my pregnancy with my younger daughter my ass exploded as soon as I reached the 3rd trimester, to the day. It was so depressing… I hadn’t even begun to push out the baby and yet ‘roids galore and they were so huge and burning/painful, and uncomfortable I literally could not sleep. I actually went to the OBGYN and they gave me some prescription steroid cream and tube of topical numbing gel which both really helped. Try to keep all pressure off of your ass, lay on your side in bed or even when reading or on the lap top if you can. As others have said, once those mother effers show up, even after healing, they tend to occasionally make a comeback so be on the alert. Lots of water and staying away from processed foods helps.

    My vag was a total swollen train wreck too. Don’t freak about all the scary vag tearing stories though… you may not tear, just like not every preggo gets the ‘roids. No tearing for me, but oh the ‘roids and swelling. Those frozen crotch pad things they give you after the birth are like a dream come true. For the love of God, take the Colace at the hospital (or birthing center in your case I guess) when they offer it to you, continue taking it when you get home until things return back to a more normal size. Keep the peri bottle, dermaplast spray and witch hazel pads by your side when you visit the toilet. I think that’s all I got. ‘roids are some nasty shit. If you want the good, bad and ugly about any preggo/labor/breastfeeding crap just ask and your loyal, lovely, sparkley readers will deliver. I’ve got a slew of breast feeding advice too :)

  • caroline October 12, 2010 at 12:13 am

    Oh Modg

    Don’t listen to all these [well meaning] broads telling you of their butt/baby hole horror stories.

    Everything will be wonderful and your butt + vag will be as super-sparkle-hearts-danny-tanner-awesome as ever.

    Unicorns and glitter baby.
    Unicorns and glitter.

    aaand – As if you needed to hear it – You’re still the cutest skinniest bitch on the block.

  • Grace October 12, 2010 at 7:25 am

    OH There is so much more!!! You have no idea what you are in for, but if we told then no one would ever get pregnant again…LOL I had a c-section and my husband insisted helping me take my first shower (not very smart). He points a his big red thing on my leg that looked like liver and says, “What’s that?” I just laughed. It was a huge blood clot that fell out my hooch. Awww the memories :)

  • Demi October 12, 2010 at 9:03 am

    I think everyone just about covered it….there are some “quips” that come with manufacturing another human body inside your own body-and yes, it can be crazy, it can hurt, and at times you will question your sanity. But trust me–you WILL get over it, you will realize you have a beautiful baby in return. And that you would do ANYTHING for this baby. Pain and sacrifice leads to unparallel joy and happiness. You are going to be a great mom! :)

  • Mo October 12, 2010 at 11:54 am

    *hangs head*


    It will get better. Later. I promise.

  • Kaye October 12, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Ok, not to freak you out but you need to read this, just to be prepared :) http://www.hollywoodhousewife.com/2010/04/childbirth-hurts-the-recovery-hurts-worse.html

  • kelly @Dare to be Domestic October 12, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    reason # 302 of why I insist on adopting a baby from China or even Africa. I had no idea you had them BEFORE having the baby I thought they might come with all the pushing… you have schooled me and feared me totally into adoption!

    Note: Has anyone discussed crapping the bed with you while in labor? It happens… I so don’t want to crap the bed during child birth!

    • Kaye October 12, 2010 at 2:43 pm

      It happens from pushing. I dont think I did, it didn’t feel like it. lol.

  • prettylittlereckless October 12, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    I think you should really check out OmgMomBlog if you haven’t already. Mandy is tons cool and tells it like it is. You might have to check the archives, but she lays out the whole pregnancy story with all the gross stuff as well. You won’t be disappointed! http://omgmom.blogspot.com/

  • jordan October 12, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    i honestly dont know what is worse, having the H or having to sift through these horror stories :( MODG, you are still a hot and skinny and gorgeous bitch. no matter what business is falling out your ass.

    anyways, maybe this will cheer you up? i nominated you for an award on my blog :) check it out when you have a second!

  • RealHousewivesOfFashion.blogspot.com October 13, 2010 at 12:36 am

    I never thought about purchasing additional item to mislead ppl…. love it
    and thanks for the warning!

  • The Simple Wedding Goddess October 13, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Oh my gosh, I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. Seriously – this post (and your blog!) are laugh out loud hilarious!

  • Rawnie October 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Just so you can’t say, “nobody told me,” guess where else you can get a hemorrhoid. I’ll give you a hint: you can have a party in the front and a party in the back. That’s right. Cooter ‘roids. I had that with my second and third bebeh. It itched so bad I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know what was worse, imagining my husband had cheated on me and given me a Nasty Woman Disease or being told my lady bits had a varicose vein. Enjoy!

  • Erin Akin Carroll October 20, 2010 at 6:07 am

    Just wait until you give bith and have a rectocele…and then wait months for it to repair. There was literally poo coming out of my va-jay-jay

  • Lori October 20, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    ummm-yah i didnt get mine til AFTER. The nurses r sitting there yelling @ you to push HARD lke your tkng a POO! well-I DID! it’s their damn fault i say! i pushed so damn hard i couldnt sit on my ass for 2 whole weeks! ohhh & when i had to use #2-lets just say there were tons of TEARS. : / tucks were my best friends. i didnt wanna eat anything for days.

  • jimaie.marie October 22, 2010 at 10:59 pm


    I’m sorry you had to go through this. lol
    For reals tho.

  • hotpants™ October 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    No one warned me either. Can I just tell you that it gets worse after birth? Wait until you push him out of your vadge and can’t poop for a week because things are sewed up so GD tight!

  • butt nuts < trying on swimsuits < trying on maternity swimsuits. DIE. - MODG May 29, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    […] sitting on a pile of butt nuts for one. Yes Christmas came early in this pregnancy. By now the Rite Aid girl doesn’t even bother covering up the Tucks with the Lucky Magazine. She just gives me a frowny […]